Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 16 - A Visit from Lena Horne - full transcript

♪ GOT THE WORLD ON A STRING ♪

♪ SITTIN' ON A RAINBOW ♪

♪ GOT THE STRING
AROUND MY FINGER ♪♪

WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT, POP.
WE JUST AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

WHAT? LOOK AT THESE
BILLS. WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

DON'T SAY THAT. WE FACED THE FIRST
OF THE MONTH BEFORE AND WE MADE IT.

YEAH, BUT THERE FINALLY COMES A TIME
WHEN YOU KNOW YOU AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

WHAT DO YOU KEEP
SAYIN' THAT FOR?

WE GOT 30 BUCKS BETWEEN US, AND WE
GOT BILLS HERE THAT TOTAL OVER $200.

WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

IF ONLY YOU AND BUBBA HADN'T THROWN
AWAY THAT MONEY AT THE RACETRACK.



BETTIN' ON A HORSE AIN'T
THROWING AWAY MONEY.

IT'S LIKE MAKING AN
INVESTMENT. IS THAT SO?

YES, THAT IS SO. IT'S LIKE
INVESTING IN A PIECE OF PROPERTY.

ONLY THING IS, THIS PIECE OF
PROPERTY HAD A LOT OF LEAD IN IT.

THEN WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
BECAUSE WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

WE GOTTA FIGURE OUT SOMETHING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE OUGHTA DO?

ONLY THING I CAN FIGURE OUT IS JUST T-TO
SELL THE BEST THING WE GOT IN THE JUNKYARD.

THE BEST THING WE GOT IN THE YARD
IS A BATHTUB WITH A RING AROUND IT.

WELL, LET'S PAWN THE RING.

THAT'S RIGHT, MAKE JOKES. BUT
WE IN TROUBLE. WE IN BIG TROUBLE.

WE'RE IN ENOUGH TROUBLE
TO GET ON WELFARE.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

FRED SANFORD ON RELIEF? NEVER.



I MIGHT BE BROKE,
BUT I GOT MY PRIDE.

YOU WANT A BUNCH OF WHITE PEOPLE PRYING IN
YOUR BUSINESS AND LOOKIN' UNDER YOUR BED?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY
DO... LOOK UNDER YOUR BED,

DOWN YOUR THROAT
AND UP YOUR MATTRESS.

AND WHILE THEY'RE PROWLIN',
YOUR STOMACH'S GROWLIN'.

POP, THAT'S WHAT THE WELFARE THING IS SET
UP FOR... FOR PEOPLE IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE PAY TAXES FOR?

WE'D JUST BE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SOMETHING
THAT WAS SET UP FOR PEOPLE LIKE US.

- WHAT'S THAT MEAN,
"PEOPLE LIKE US"?
- POOR PEOPLE, THE HAVE-NOTS.

THE HAVE-NOTS? IF THE HAVE-NOTS
COULD GET SOMETHING FROM THE HAVES...

SAY THE HAVES GAVE THE
HAVE-NOTS HALF OF WHAT THEY HAVE.

THEN THE HAVES WOULD
STILL BE THE HAVES, BUT

THE HAVE-NOTS WOULD
BE THE HAVE-SOMETHINGS.

WOULD YOU STOP IT?

WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO, GO ON
WELFARE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA DO?

I DON'T WANNA GO ON WELFARE. I'M
JUST TRYING TO FIGURE A WAY OUT OF THIS.

I'D RATHER DO WHAT
I DID BACK IN 1932.

SELL APPLES ON THE STREET
CORNER. YOU WANT TO SELL APPLES?

NO. I CAN'T SELL APPLES
WITH MY ARTHRITIS.

MAYBE I COULD SELL SOME GRAPES.

WELL, MAYBE WE COULD
SELL SOME BLOOD. WHAT?

THE HOSPITALS PAY YOU FOR BLOOD.

THEY AIN'T GONNA
GET NONE OF MINE.

MY HEART'S HAVING ENOUGH TROUBLE PUMPING
THE LITTLE BLOOD I DO HAVE BACK AND FORTH.

THIS BLOOD AIN'T FOR SALE.

IT STAYS WITH THE
ORIGINAL OWNER.

[ Knocking At Door ]

WELL, THERE THEY ARE. THE
BILL COLLECTORS HAVE ARRIVED.

I DON'T FEEL THAT
WAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY LEFT HAND IS ITCHING, AND
THAT'S A SURE SIGN OF MONEY.

- AUNT ESTHER.
- MY LEFT HAND LIED TO ME.

[ Door Shuts ]

HELLO, LAMONT. HOW
YOU DOING, AUNT ESTHER?

OH, I'M JUST FINE,

EXCEPT FOR THESE BROKEN-DOWN
KNEES AND THIS CRICK IN MY BACK,

SPOTS IN FRONT OF MY EYES,
BLOOD PRESSURE RISING.

OTHER THAN THAT, I'M JUST FINE.

ESTHER, WHAT DO YOU TELL
PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE SICK?

HOW ARE YOU, FRED? WELL,
I AIN'T HALF AS DEAD AS YOU.

IF I FELT LIKE YOU
AND LOOKED LIKE YOU,

I'D GO DOWN TO FOREST LAWN
CEMETERY AND HANG AROUND A WHILE.

WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF
COFFEE, AUNT ESTHER? THANK YOU.

AND SQUEEZE OUT A FEW OF THEM
GROUNDS. WE MIGHT HAVE ANOTHER CUP LEFT.

DOWN AND OUT AGAIN, HUH, FRED?

YOU WERE A DEADBEAT THE
DAY MY SISTER MARRIED YOU,

AND YOU STILL A DEADBEAT TODAY.

YOU KNOW GOOD AND WELL THE DAY I
MARRIED YOUR SISTER I WAS LOADED.

YEAH, YOU WAS LOADED ALL RIGHT. YOU
WERE SO DRUNK, YOU FELL ON THE PREACHER.

I HAD TO GET DRUNK TO
LOOK AT YOUR UGLY FAMILY.

DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY.

I'LL TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

FOR YEARS, PEOPLE GOIN' AROUND
SAYING, "BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL."

THEY TOOK ONE LOOK AT YOUR
FAMILY AND SAY, "HOLD EVERYTHING!"

WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING YOU WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND. WE HAVE INNER BEAUTY.

YOU HAVE WHAT? INNER BEAUTY.

YOU BETTER PUT YOUR
LIVER WHERE YOUR FACE IS.

FRED SANFORD, YOU
ARE CRUDE AND EVIL,

AND MOST OF ALL YOU'RE STUPID!

HOW'D YOU LIKE ONE
ACROSS YOUR LIP?

COME ON, TRY. COME ON,
STUMPY! COME ON. STUMPY?

I'M TALL ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU THREE
OF THESE IN YOUR NOSE. COME ON.

OH, NO, YOU WON'T. OH,
NO, YOU WON'T. YES, I WILL.

[ Arguing ] WILL
YOU TWO STOP IT!

WOULD YOU TWO STOP IT! TELL HER.

I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. YOU
MEAN TO TELL ME YOU'D HIT A LADY?

NO, I WOULDN'T HIT A
LADY, BUT I'D HIT HER.

HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, AUNT
ESTHER. THANK YOU, LAMONT.

BEHAVE YOURSELF. WHY YOU ALWAYS COME
AROUND HERE AND WANNA PICK A FIGHT WITH ME?

I DIDN'T COME AROUND
HERE TO PICK NO FIGHT.

I CAME HERE TO ASK
YOU A FAVOR. WHAT IS IT?

I'D LIKE TO USE YOUR PLACE FOR
OUR SUNDAY MORNING BIBLE MEETING.

WHO? YOU MEAN, YOU AND ALL THEM
CACKLING SISTERS YOU ALWAYS BE WITH?

UH-UH. THIS A JUNKYARD,
NOT A HENHOUSE.

ALL WE PLANNED TO DO
WAS TO DRINK SOME TEA,

DISCUSS A FEW CHAPTERS OF SAINT
PAUL, EAT SOME HOMEMADE COOKIES.

THE LADIES WERE GOING TO
CONTRIBUTE FOR REFRESHMENTS.

WHY DO YOUR GROUP WANT
TO MEET HERE IN MY JUNKYARD?

WELL, NUMBER ONE, WE
TRY TO BRING THE SPIRIT...

TO THOSE WHO
NEED IT MOST. UH-HUH.

NUMBER TWO, I FELT IT WOULD BE A
GOOD IDEA FOR LAMONT'S SAKE. KEEP GOING.

AND NUMBER THREE, THE PLACES
WE USUALLY MEET IN ARE UNAVAILABLE.

BINGO!

WELL, DO WE GET IT OR DON'T
WE? NO, YOU DON'T GET IT.

WHY YOU THINK YOU CAN COME OVER
HERE AND I LET YOU USE MY PLACE?

I WAS MOVED BY THE
WORDS OF THE GOOD BOOK.

"HE THAT ASKETH, RECEIVETH.

AND HE THAT SEEKETH,
FINDETH." THAT'S MATTHEW.

WELL, YOU HAVE ASKETH
AND BEEN TURNED DOWNETH.

NOW FINDETH SOMEPLACE ELSETH.

THAT'S FRED.

ALL RIGHT, FRED.

BUT I FEEL SORRY FOR LAMONT.

YOU RAISED HIM TO BE A
BACKSLIDER JUST LIKE YOURSELF!

WHO YOU CALLING A
BACKSLIDER, WITCH?

I'M CALLING YOU A BACKSLIDER
BECAUSE YOU DO NOT BELIEVE.

I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE I'M GONNA
KNOCK YOU OUT OF HERE...

'CAUSE YOU'RE UGLY.
AND WHAT'S MORE,

YOU'RE AN EVIL-MINDED,
SELFISH OLD MAN!

LISTEN, ESTHER, IF YOU AIN'T OUT
OF HERE BY TIME I COUNT TO THREE,

I'LL PUT A LUMP ON YOUR HEAD,
LOOK LIKE A WIG ON TOP OF A NATURAL...

ON TOP OF A WIG.

AND IF YOU LAY ONE HAND ON ME,

I'LL UNSCREW YOUR ARM FROM YOUR
SHOULDER, AND BEAT YOUR BRAINS OUT.

PUT 'EM UP!

YOU'RE A HEATHEN,
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!

A HEATHEN!

A NO-GOOD HEATHEN! AND
YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR YOUR SINS...

ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOU
MISERABLE OLD BUZZARD!

I'M SURE GLAD SHE'S GONE.

THOUGHT SHE'D NEVER LEAVE.

LISTEN, SON, I THINK I'VE GOT
A SOLUTION FOR OUR PROBLEM.

I GOT IT FROM MADAME BIG MOUTH.

WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HER
SISTERS CONTRIBUTING FOR REFRESHMENTS?

SO?

SO, THAT'S WHAT WE DO. WE
INVITE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE,

CHARGE ADMISSION ON THE DOOR,
AND SELL 'EM SOME FOOD AND DRINKS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE OLD
HARLEM RENT PARTIES.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU STILL
HAD YOUR PRIDE. ISN'T THAT CHARITY?

HOW'S IT CHARITY? I'M GIVING THEM SOMETHING
FOR THEIR MONEY... FOOD AND DRINK.

I DON'T THINK MUCH OF THE
IDEA. YOU DON'T THINK MUCH OF IT?

NOPE. I CAN THINK OF
SOMETHING MYSELF, CAN'T I?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? FIRST OF ALL,
WHERE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY...

TO BUY THIS FOOD AND DRINKS
THAT YOU'RE GONNA SELL?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DIDN'T YOU
SAY WE HAD $30 BETWEEN US? YEAH.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PIGS FEET,
POTATO SALAD AND BEER YOU CAN BUY WITH $30?

YOU CAN BUY ENOUGH
STUFF TO KEEP A WHOLE

HOUSEFUL OF PEOPLE
BELCHING THE WHOLE WEEKEND.

I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA
OF HAVING A PARTY.

WHY NOT? WE CAN MAKE A LOT OF
MONEY AND HAVE SOME FUN DOIN' IT.

I'LL ACT AS THE HOST. YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN? I'LL GREET THE PEOPLE.

HOW'S THAT SONG GO? ♪ NO USE
OF SITTING ALONE IN YOUR ROOM ♪

♪ COME TO THE CABARET ♪
FORGET IT.

♪ LIFE IS A CABARET
OLD CHUM ♪ FORGET IT.

♪ COME TO THE CABA... ♪♪
FORGET IT?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I THINK WE OUGHT TO
ASK FOR AN EXTENSION ON

ALL OUR BILLS. YOU
KNOW, GAS, ELECTRIC, HEAT.

IF WE CAN GET AN EXTENSION, IF WE
CAN GET TWO WEEKS, WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LISTEN, IF WE DON'T GET
IT, THEN CAN WE HAVE THE PARTY?

[ Phone Ringing ] WE'RE NOT GONNA
NEED IT 'CAUSE WE'LL GET THE EXTENSION.

♪ SITTING ALONE IN
YOUR ROOM ♪ FORGET IT.

♪ COME TO THE CABARET ♪
FORGET IT.

FORGET IT! ♪ COME
TO THE CABARET... ♪

WOULD YOU FORGET IT?

HELLO? OH, YES, IT IS.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL YOU TO
ASK FOR AN EXTENSION. WHO IS IT?

IT'S THE PHONE COMPANY. THEY SAY IF WE
DON'T PAY THE BILL, THEY GONNA CUT IT OFF.

GIMME THAT. HELLO?

YEAH, THIS IS FRED SANFORD.

YEAH, THE PHONE
IS LISTED IN MY NAME.

LISTEN, WHAT MAKES YOU FOLKS THINK
YOU CAN CUT SOMEBODY'S PHONE OFF...

JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE A
LITTLE BEHIND IN THEIR BILL?

I NEED MY PHONE FOR
MY PLACE OF BUSINESS.

THAT'S RIGHT. I WISH ONE OF YOU WOULD
COME OVER HERE AND TRY TO CUT MY PHONE OFF.

I'LL PUT MY FOOT
IN YOUR... HELLO?

HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO?

IT'S DEAD.

THAT'S JUST GREAT.
NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

♪ NO USE OF SITTING
ALONE IN YOUR ROOM ♪

♪ COME TO THE CABARET
COME TO THE CABARET ♪♪

[ Music, Chattering ]

SORRY, BUDDY. UPSTAIRS
IS OFF-LIMITS TO THE GUESTS.

YOU SEE, UPSTAIRS IS SLEEPING
QUARTERS FOR THE ESTABLISHMENT.

BUT I WAS JUST LOOKIN' FOR THE
WASHROOM. DIDN'T THEY TELL YOU?

WE MADE ARRANGEMENTS WITH
THE FILLING STATION ON THE CORNER.

EXCUSE ME. SAY, BROTHER, WOULD
YOU TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF MY COUCH?

THAT'S GENUINE VINYL.

HEY, PAL, GOOD TO SEE
YOU. ENJOY YOURSELF. FINE.

HOW ARE YOU, DEAR?

PARDON ME, FRIEND. DON'T PUT
YOUR ASHES ON MY RUG. I'M SORRY.

WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE COME
FROM? HOW YOU FOLKS? HAVING FUN?

GOOD. EAT ALL YOU
WANT. JUST LEAVE SOME.

WELL, HOW YOU FEEL, FOLKS?
WHAT IS THAT YOU'RE WEARING?

TUXEDO. HOW DO I LOOK?

YOU LOOK LIKE A TALL,
GRAY-HAIRED PENGUIN.

I HAD THIS SUIT FOR 30 YEARS.
LOOK AT IT. THERE AIN'T A HOLE IN IT.

THERE'S NO HOLES IN IT 'CAUSE
THE MOTHS REFUSE TO EAT IT.

YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW NOTHIN', DO YOU?

I MARRIED YOUR MOTHER IN
THIS SUIT. AIN'T HAD IT ON SINCE.

LOOK THERE. STILL GOT
SOME RICE IN THE POCKET.

YOU SURE THEM AIN'T MAGGOTS?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WEAR
THAT THING ALL NIGHT, ARE YOU?

YEAH, I'M GONNA
WEAR IT ALL NIGHT.

PEOPLE USED TO SAY I LOOKED LIKE EDWARD
G. ROBINSON... YOU KNOW, LITTLE CAESAR.

[ Imitating Robinson ] YEAH, YEAH. I'M
RUNNIN' THIS PLACE. IT'S MY PLACE.

HI, FRED! OH, DARLIN',
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME!

WOW, YOU'RE LOOKIN'
GOOD. GIMME THAT CAPE.

YES, BABY. YES, BABY!

SAY, DARLIN', JUST GO ON OUT
THERE AND MINGLE A LITTLE BIT.

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT'D YOU THINK IT
IS, A WATER BUFFALO?

THAT'S LESLIE PARKER'S
NIECE. SHE'S OUR BUNNY.

YOU KNOW, A BUNNY
LIKE AT THE PLAYBOY CLUB.

SHE LOOK... SHE LOOKS MORE LIKE
A RABBIT FROM THE PLOWBOY CLUB.

YOU REALLY ARE RIDICULOUS!

[ Slurring ] HELLO,
FRED? HELLO, LAMONT.

HEY, BUBBA, I'M
LAMONT AND HE'S FRED.

GREAT! THREE OF THE
NICEST GUYS YOU WANNA MEET.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ALREADY
BEEN TO A PARTY. YOU'RE DRUNK.

YEAH. I WAS CELEBRATING
THE ELECTION RESULTS.

I WAS CELEBRATIN'
McGOVERN GETTIN' ELECTED.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? DON'T
YOU KNOW THAT NIXON GOT REELECTED?

NIXON! NOW I'M REALLY
GONNA HAVE TO GET DRUNK.

LISTEN, BUBBA, WHAT YOU NEED IS SOME
FOOD. WHY DON'T YOU GET SOMETHING TO EAT?

NO, THANKS, FRED. I'M DRIVING.

COME ON IN. YOU'RE
BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE.

YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY
ADMISSION. YOU GONNA LET ME IN FOR FREE?

OF COURSE. YOU MY
BEST FRIEND, AIN'T YA?

YEAH, YEAH. YOU'RE MY
BEST FRIEND TOO, FRED.

I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR 35
YEARS... DON'T START THAT.

[ Mumbling ] HEY, BUNNY
GIRL! BUNNY GIRL!

HE-HELP BUBBA ENJOY HISSELF.

[ Fred ] GOOD EVENING,
GENTLEMEN. COME RIGHT IN.

ADMISSION'S ONE DOLLAR.
GET THE MONEY, LAMONT.

UH, THAT'S IT. LOOK
AROUND, FELLAS.

LOOK AROUND. EVERYTHING...
EVERYTHING'S FINE.

ADMISSION IS ONE DOLLAR,
PAYABLE IN ONE BIG SOFT ONE...

OR A WHOLE LOT OF
LITTLE HARD ONES.

WHAT THEY TRYIN' TO DO, CRASH
THE PARTY? WHERE'S MY BASEBALL BAT?

WAIT A MINUTE, POP. DON'T
START NOTHIN' WITH THOSE GUYS.

THEY LOOK KIND OF BIG. I
DON'T CARE HOW BIG THEY ARE.

THEY'RE TRYING TO CRASH THE
PARTY? NOBODY CRASHES BUT ME.

AND I THINK I'LL START
WITH THEIR SKULLS.

SAY, PARDON ME, GENTLEMEN.

MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME. I
SAID IT'S A DOLLAR PER HEAD.

OR WOULD YOU RATHER ME MAKE
THAT ONE BASEBALL BAT PER SKULL?

YOU IN CHARGE HERE?
YOU THE OWNER? YEAH.

I'M ALSO THE OWNER
OF A BASEBALL BAT.

CAN WE GO SOMEPLACE WHERE
WE CAN TALK? IT'S TOO NOISY IN HERE.

LOOK, WE'VE HAD OUR TALK,
AND THE NEXT NOISE YOU HEAR...

WILL BE THE RAT-A-TAT-TAT OF
MY BASEBALL BAT ON YOUR SKULL.

HOW 'BOUT IN HERE, HUH? COME ON.

MAN, WHAT YOU PUSHING
ON ME FOR? DON'T BE PUSHIN'...

GET OVER HERE. LOOK OUT,
MAN. YOU CAN MESS MY SUIT UP.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
COME ON! SIT DOWN HERE.

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS
WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?

IF YOU'RE NOT OUT OF HERE BY THE TIME
I COUNT TO THREE, YOU GONNA BE SORRY.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

UH, OKAY, I'M GONNA
COUNT TO TEN. ONE...

SIT DOWN! YOU HEARD THE MAN.

SIT DOWN! WHO ARE YOU
GUYS? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WE'LL PUT IT TO YOU STRAIGHT.
WE WANT TO BE YOUR PARTNERS.

AIN'T BUT TWO PEOPLE IN THIS
JUNK BUSINESS... ME AND MY SON.

WE'RE NOT TALKIN' ABOUT THE JUNK BUSINESS.
WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT THE PARTY BUSINESS.

HUH? LOOK. YOU GOT A
GOOD THING GOING HERE.

WHAT WE PROPOSE TO YOU IS THAT YOU
USE THE JUNK BUSINESS IN FRONT AS A DODGE.

YOU UNDERSTAND? WHILE
THE PARTY IS GOIN' ON INSIDE.

WE'LL HAVE DRINKING,
GAMBLING... FUN! YOU UNDERSTAND?

FUN! NO, YOU FELLOWS
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS PARTY'S JUST FOR TONIGHT.
WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE MONEY.

I KNOW. BUT I SAY, WHY STOP?

KEEP IT GOING. THAT WAY WE
MAKE LOTS OF MONEY. KEEP IT GOING?

YEAH, CONTINUOUSLY, 24 HOURS
A DAY, WITH YOU AS THE HOST.

I CAN'T DO THAT. I'M 65
YEARS OLD. THAT'LL KILL ME.

THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO
GET ANOTHER HOST. NO, LISTEN.

JUST FORGET ABOUT
IT. I AIN'T INTERESTED.

WHAT ARE YOU FELLAS,
GANGSTERS? [ Chuckles ]

[ Coughing ]

Y'ALL HAPPY GANGSTERS, AIN'T YA.

NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL, PARTNER.

WE OFFER YOU OUR PROTECTION, JUST
TO MAKE SURE NOTHIN' BAD HAPPENS.

YOU CAN'T OPEN UP NO PLACE HERE. I MEAN,
NOT LIKE THAT. YOU GOTTA HAVE A LICENSE.

A LICENSE? SHOW HIM THE LICENSE.

YOU IN BUSINESS.

GOOD.

I AIN'T NEVER BEEN IN NO TROUBLE WITH THE
LAW BEFORE, AND THIS SOUNDS LIKE TROUBLE.

TROUBLE? WHY? WHY? WE TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING. YOUR NOSE IS CLEAN.

YEAH, MY NOSE IS CLEAN, BUT THE
REST OF MY BODY'S GONNA NEED A BATH.

[ Lamont ] WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN
HERE? HE'LL EXPLAIN IT ALL TO YOU.

RIGHT, PARTNER? WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT, "PARTNER"?

WE'RE GOING INTO THE
PARTY BUSINESS TOGETHER.

YOU GOT A GOOD THING GOING HERE,
BUT WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT EVEN BETTER.

WE DON'T WANT NO PARTNER, SO YOU CAN CLEAR
OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE NOBODY...

HELLO, PARTNERS.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS
LATER. KEEP THE PARTY GOING.

COME ON.

HEY, POP, WHO WERE THOSE
GUYS? THEY'RE GANGSTERS.

THEY WANT TO TURN THIS PLACE
INTO A DRINKING AND GAMBLING JOINT.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WE CAN'T DO THAT.

I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO, SON. REMEMBER?

HE MADE US AN OFFER
WE CAN'T REFUSE.

MAN, I DIDN'T GET NO
SLEEP AT ALL LAST NIGHT.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I WENT OUT FOR A WALK.

SON, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? THEY'RE
TURNING OUR PLACE INTO THE SANFORD HILTON.

BUBBA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE BUNNY GIRL.

HEY, BUNNY, BUNNY.
COME ON, BUNNY.

WHERE'RE YOU, BUNNY,
BUNNY? COME ON, BUNNY, BUNNY.

I HOPE HE FINDS HER SO HE CAN
STOP DRINKING ALL THAT LIQUOR.

OH, NO! WHAT IS...

OH, COME ON, FOLKS. PLEASE.

I KNEW THIS PARTY THING
WASN'T GONNA WORK OUT.

YOU AND YOUR
MONEYMAKING SCHEMES.

LISTEN, MAYBE IF WE STAY IN THE
KITCHEN, THEY WON'T BOTHER US.

THAT'S GREAT, POP. WE'RE
GONNA LIVE, EAT, SLEEP...

IN THE KITCHEN WITH NO BATHROOM.

MAYBE I DIDN'T TELL YOU.
WE MADE ARRANGEMENTS

WITH THE FILLING
STATION ON THE CORNER.

THAT'S RIGHT, KEEP MAKING JOKES.

BUT WE'RE IN
TROUBLE... BIG TROUBLE.

HEY, SANFORD!

YOU BACK THERE? LOOK AT THIS.

SANFORD, YOU AIN'T
A VERY GOOD HOST.

LOOK AT THIS PARTY.
IT'S DYING HERE.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN
TROUBLE, YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

THIS PLACE IS GONNA
BE RAIDED. WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT. THIS
PLACE IS GONNA BE RAIDED.

SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN IT,
YOU BETTER GET ON OUT OF HERE NOW.

YOU CALL THE COPS? IS
THAT WHAT YOU DID? HUH?

LEAVE HIM ALONE. YOU
WOULDN'T HURT AN OLD MAN.

FRED SANFORD! WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON? JUST
WHAT YOU SEE, ESTHER.

WHY, THIS PLACE IS
CRAWLIN' WITH SIN!

YEAH, AIN'T IT? [ Chuckles ]

WE WON'T HAVE OUR BIBLE MEETING
HERE, NOT LONG AS THIS IS GOING ON.

RIGHT, LADIES? AMEN!

WHO ARE THEY? THESE
ARE ESTHER'S RAIDERS.

AND WE HAVE A BIBLE
MEETING HERE THIS MORNING.

WELL, WE GOT A PARTY
GOIN' ON HERE NOW.

AND THE PARTY IS OVER! GET OUT!

NO, YOU CAN'T THROW
US OUT. OH, NO?

NO! GET OUT! GIT, GIT, GIT!

[ Yelling ]

WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT
YOU SAID YOU CALLED THE COPS.

I-I-I DIDN'T CALL NO COPS.

ESTHER'S TOUGH AS ANY
COP AND HER MOUTH IS BIGGER.

WELL, IT WORKED. YEAH.

COME ON, LADIES. WE CAN
HAVE OUR BIBLE MEETING NOW.

COME ON IN.

COME ON IN, FRED. UH, YOU
DON'T WANT ME IN THERE.

OH, YES, WE DO. LET'S GO.

ESTHER, I AIN'T GOING TO
NO BIBLE MEETING. THAT'S IT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!
GET IN THERE! WAIT A MINUTE!

WELL, THAT'S TAKES CARE OF THE
GAS, ELECTRIC AND THE PHONE COMPANY.

AND THAT CLEARS US UP
FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH.

HOW MUCH YOU GOT
LEFT? FORTY BUCKS.

PERFECT. $30 FOR THE FOOD WE BOUGHT
AND $10 TO GET THE PLACE CLEANED UP.

WHO'S GONNA CHARGE US $10
FOR CLEANING UP THIS PLACE? I AM.

[ Knocking At Door ]

THE DOOR. YOU FIGURED THAT
OUT ALL BY YOURSELF, HUH?

COME ON IN! COME ON
IN! THE DOOR'S OPEN.

SEE, YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT THAT
PARTY WOULD WORK OUT, DID YOU?

YOU OUGHT TO LISTEN
TO ME MORE. I RAISED YOU.

GOOD MORNING. HELLO
THERE, AUNT ESTHER.

GOOD MORNING. ESTHER, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE THIS EARLY?

FRED, MY BIBLE
MEETING FRIENDS...

APPRECIATED YOU LETTING
US USE YOUR PLACE YESTERDAY.

THINK NOTHING OF IT, ESTHER.

I DO UNTO OTHERS AS
OTHERS HAS DID UNTO ME.

AND SO I HAVE A REQUEST.

WE WOULD LIKE TO MEET
HERE EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.

OH, NO. UH-UH. NO, NO, NO.

NOTHIN' DOING.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

AIN'T NO WAY. [ Laughs ]

LISTEN, FRED, IF YOU DON'T
LET US HAVE THIS PLACE,

I'LL HAVE THOSE HOODLUMS
COME BACK AND TAKE OVER AGAIN.

- YOU WOULDN'T.
- OH, WOULDN'T I?

JUST WATCH ME. WHAT WILL IT
BE? US OR THOSE GANGSTERS?

♪ WHAT A FRIEND
WE HAVE IN JESUS ♪

♪ ALL OF OUR SINS
AND GRIEFS TO BEAR ♪♪

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.