Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 13 - Fred & Carol and Fred & Donna - full transcript

♪ JELLY, JELLY, JELLY ♪

♪ JELLY STAYS ON MY MIND ♪

♪ JELLY, JELLY, JELLY ♪

♪ JELLY STAYS ON MY... ♪♪

HELLO, SON. WHO ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE? BILLY ECKSTINE?

SAY, WHAT'S THAT ODOR?
YOU SMELL LIKE A LEMON.

I KNOW THAT. I JUST GOT THROUGH
TAKING ONE OF THEM BUBBLY LEMON BATHS,

AND I SPRAYED ON SOME OF
THAT NEW LEMON SPRAY COLOGNE.

WHAT'S WITH THIS SUDDEN DESIRE
TO TURN YOURSELF INTO A LEMON?

WELL, THAT WAY THE LADIES CAN SNIFF
ME AND SQUEEZE ME SIMULTANEOUSLY.

EXCUSE ME.



YOU GONNA TELL ME THE REST? LIKE
WHY YOU SMELL THE WAY YOU DO...

AND WHY THIS PLACE IS ALL
FLOWERED UP, OR SHOULD I GUESS?

NO, NO, I'LL TELL YOU. SIT
DOWN, SON. IT'S A LONG STORY.

COULD YOU MAKE IT A
SHORT ONE? SEE, I GOT A

DATE, AND I WANT TO RUN
UPSTAIRS AND TAKE A BATH.

WELL, YOU GOTTA WAIT ANYWAY 'CAUSE
I USED ALL THE HOT WATER. SIT DOWN.

THAT'S JUST GREAT. NOW
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

WELL, JUST PRETEND
THAT YOU'RE IN SWEDEN.

YOU KNOW, IN SWEDEN THEY TAKE COLD
BATHS AND BEAT EACH OTHER WITH SWITCHES.

NEVER MIND. WHO'S
COMING HERE TONIGHT?

WELL, I GOT A CALL
FROM AN OLD GIRLFRIEND.

I MEAN, NOT JUST A GIRLFRIEND.
SHE COULD'VE BEEN YOUR MOTHER...

IF SHE HADN'T BEEN SO HEADSTRONG
AND HAD SUCH A BAD TEMPER.

WELL, HOW COME YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH ALL THESE



CHANGES ABOUT HER
COMING HERE TONIGHT...

IF SHE WAS SO HEADSTRONG
AND HAD SUCH A BAD TEMPER?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY: "FINE WINE MELLOWS WITH AGE."

AND IF SHE WAS FINE THEN,

BY NOW SHE MUST BE
LIKE IMPORTED MUSCATEL.

RIGHT. WELL, I'M GONNA
TAKE A BATH, POP.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. LET
ME FINISH TELLING YOU ABOUT HER.

SEE, HER NAME IS JUANITA, AND
SHE GOT SPANISH BLOOD. UH-HUH.

AND SHE ALWAYS USED TO HAVE
A ROSE BETWEEN HER TEETH.

I GUESS IT WAS KIND OF HARD FOR
HER TO EAT THAT WAY, WASN'T IT?

NO, NO. SHE WAS A DANCER. I
MEAN, SHE COULD REALLY HOOF.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SHE WAS
THE BEST DANCE PARTNER I EVER HAD.

WE USED TO WIN ALL THE PRIZES.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I PULLED
JUANITA THROUGH MY LEGS LIKE THIS,

PULLED HER UP AND THREW
HER OVER COUNT BASIE'S BAND.

WE WON FIRST PRIZE THAT NIGHT:
TWO TICKETS TO GREEN PASTURES.

YEAH, I TOOK YOUR
MOTHER TO SEE THAT.

YOU TOOK MOM? HOW COME
YOU DIDN'T TAKE JUANITA?

SHE WAS IN TRACTION.

SO YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND AND DANCE
PARTNER IS COMIN' TO SEE YOU, HUH?

WELL, YOU DON'T NEED ME
AROUND. ANYWAY, I GOT A DATE, POP.

YEAH, I DON'T NEED YOU. TWO IS
COMPANY, AND THREE IS DEFINITELY A CROWD.

MAYBE WE CAN FIGURE OUT SOME OF
THEM OLD DANCE STEPS WE USED TO DO.

SAY, POP, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T
TRY TO THROW HER OVER YOUR BACK.

'CAUSE AT YOUR AGE, THE
FIRST PRIZE FOR THAT IS A TRUSS.

I'M GOING UPSTAIRS
TO TAKE A BATH.

[ Knocking ] THAT'S JUANITA NOW.
COME OVER HERE AND SAY HELLO...

COME SAY HELLO
TO JUANITA. OH, MAN.

FRED SANFORD!
STEADY FREDDY! [ Laughs ]

JUANITA, MY OLD DANCIN'
PARTNER. SHALL WE? WHY NOT?

♪♪ [ Both Humming Tango ]

[ Cheering ] [ Applause ]

OH, FRED, YOU ALWAYS DID LOOK
LIKE VALENTINO WHEN YOU DANCED.

YEAH, ME AND THE SHEIK.

SAY, LAMONT, THIS IS
JUANITA GRISMOORE.

HOW DO YOU DO? THIS
IS MY DAUGHTER ALICE.

- ALICE, THIS IS MY SON LAMONT.
- HOW DO YOU DO?

MY GOODNESS! YOU LOOK LIKE
A PORTRAIT OF YOUR MOTHER.

BUT YOU DO HAVE YOUR FATHER'S
EYES. THOSE DEVILISH EYES. [ Laughs ]

MY MOTHER'S TALKED SO MUCH ABOUT
YOU OVER THE YEARS, MR. SANFORD.

- I FEEL AS IF I KNOW YOU.
- JUST CALL ME FRED, HONEY.

OKAY, FRED. AND, LAMONT,
YOU CAN CALL ME JUANITA.

HUH? OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

WELL, EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE NICE AND
FRIENDLY. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SIT DOWN?

OH, GOOD. COME, DARLING.

YOU KNOW, FRED, MOTHER STILL
HAS THE TROPHY THE TWO OF YOU WON.

SHE TREATS IT LIKE IT
WAS AN ACADEMY AWARD.

HEY, I DANCE MYSELF,
YOU KNOW. OH, REALLY?

YEAH. I CAN DO THE ROBOT, THE GOOD FOOT,
THE BOOTY BUMP, THE CRUTCH AND THE HIP.

THAT DON'T SOUND LIKE NO DANCE.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SERIOUS ACCIDENT.

YOU'RE JUST OLD-FASHIONED.

WHY DON'T YOU GO GET THAT STUFF I
GOT CHILLIN' IN THE REFRIGERATOR...

AND LET US ALL HAVE
A BIT OF THE BUBBLY?

OOH! CHAMPAGNE!

NO, SODA AND RIPPLE.

GO GET IT, SON, WILL YA?

NO, NO, WAIT. MOTHER, I THINK
WE'D BETTER GET THAT LIGHT FIXED.

WE'RE GONNA GET STOPPED IF WE
DON'T GET THAT LIGHT FIXED. OH, YES.

- ONE OF OUR HEADLIGHTS IS OUT.
- WELL, YOU BETTER GET IT FIXED,

'CAUSE THEY DEATH ON
A NIGGER WITH ONE LIGHT.

YEAH. IF YOU GOT...

IF YOU GOT ONE LIGHT, YOU
BETTER BE ON A MOTORCYCLE.

I'M NOT KIDDING. YOU GO
DOWN THERE TO TRAFFIC COURT,

AND YOU SIT AROUND THERE AND YOU
SEE SO MANY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

YOU'D THINK YOU'RE
AT AN NAACP RALLY.

WELL, WE'D BETTER GET IT FIXED
THEN. IS THERE A GARAGE NEARBY?

WELL, IF LAMONT DIDN'T HAVE A DATE,
HE COULD GET IT FIXED IN A MINUTE.

NO, TH-THAT WAS NOTHING,
POP. IT WAS JUST WITH THE GUYS.

LISTEN, I COULD TAKE
YOUR CAR DOWN TO PETE'S

GARAGE AND HAVE
IT BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

I'D BE GLAD TO DO IT.

OH, THANK YOU. THAT'S
VERY SWEET OF YOU.

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ALONG?
- WHY DON'T YOU, HONEY?

THAT'LL GIVE FRED AND I A
CHANCE TO GET REACQUAINTED.

AND WHILE THEY'RE
REMINISCING, MAYBE WE COULD

SPEND THE REST OF
THE EVENING TOGETHER...

YOU KNOW, TAKE IN A MOVIE, DO A LITTLE
DANCING, HAVE A COUPLE OF BURRITOS.

OH, WOW! THAT
REALLY SOUNDS GREAT.

YEAH? UH, I DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE,
DO I? 'CAUSE I LOOK A LITTLE SHABBY.

OH, NO. I THINK YOU
LOOK KINDA SEXY. I DO?

YES, YOU DO. IT'S THAT WILD,
RUMPLED LOOK THAT SPELLS S-E-X.

IN MY DAY, THAT WILD, RUMPLED
LOOK WOULD SPELL B-U-M.

WELL, LET'S ANDIAMO.

THAT'S ITALIAN FOR "LET'S SPLIT."
OH, YOU SPEAK ITALIAN, HUH?

WELL, IN MY LINE OF WORK, YOU GOTTA
BE FAMILIAR WITH QUITE A FEW LANGUAGES.

YEAH. SO YOU CAN KNOW
WHAT PEOPLE ARE CALLING YOU.

- COME ON.
- WHOO!

WELL, JUANITA,

WHAT DO YOU SAY I FIX US A
LITTLE LIQUID REFRESHMENT?

OH, I'LL HELP YOU. YEAH.

YOU GOT SOME NICE
THINGS HERE, FRED.

YEAH, I COORDINATE
ALL THIS MYSELF.

NICE. SIT RIGHT
DOWN THERE, HONEY.

THANK YOU. I'LL GET
SOME NICE STUFF HERE.

YOU KNOW, JUANITA,
YOU SURE LOOK GOOD.

EVEN AFTER ALL THESE
YEARS, YOU LOOK GOOD.

YOU'VE BEEN TAKING CARE
OF YOURSELF, AIN'T YA?

I TRY. AND YOU LOOK
WONDERFUL TOO, FRED.

WELL, I TRY, TOO, MYSELF. HEY,
WE'LL DRINK TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

OH, YES. YES, YES.

PUT A LITTLE SODA IN
THERE? YEAH, A LITTLE SODA.

ALL RIGHT. MAKE IT "FIZZLY."

[ Chuckles ] OUI, OUI.

HEY, JUANITA, DO YOU
REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS?

♪ HOLD TIGHT, HOLD TIGHT
HOLD TIGHT, HOLD TIGHT ♪

♪♪ [ Gibberish ] FISH
IS MY FAVORITE DISH!

WOW! WHEE!

YES, YES, FRED,
YOU'VE STILL GOT IT.

YEAH, AND I'M GONNA KEEP IT TILL
SOMEBODY COME AND TAKE IT AWAY.

I MEAN... A HANDSOME MAN
LIKE YOU IS VERY ELIGIBLE.

WHY HASN'T SOME GIRL CAUGHT
YOU YET? ISN'T THERE SOMEBODY?

WELL, YES AND NO.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, YES, I'M
HANDSOME AND ELIGIBLE...

AND NO, SHE AIN'T CAUGHT ME YET.

I'M FREE AS A BIRD.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU? HOW DOES
YOUR HUSBAND LIKE WASHINGTON, D.C.?

WHAT'S HIS NAME? GERARD?
YES. GERALD... HAS PASSED ON.

OH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

YES, GERALD HAS PASSED. I'VE
COME HERE TO SETTLE HIS ESTATE.

ESTATE? MMM.

I THOUGHT GERALD WAS A
JANITOR AT A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

NO! NOW, WHERE DID YOU
HEAR A THING LIKE THAT?

GERALD WAS A CONSULTING
PSYCHIATRIST, AND A VERY GOOD ONE TOO.

NOW, WHAT HAPPENED...
ONE OF HIS PATIENTS,

A PYROMANIAC WHO WAS
PROGRESSING BEAUTIFULLY,

HAD A SLIGHT SETBACK AND
SET THE HOSPITAL ON FIRE.

AND WHEN GERALD TRIED TO SAVE
HIM... WELL, LET'S JUST SAY HE DIED A HERO.

THEN YOU'RE FREE AS
A BIRD TOO, AIN'T YOU?

YES, I AM.

UH, AIN'T NOTHIN'
LIKE TWO FREE BIRDS,

YOU KNOW, GETTIN' TOGETHER
OVER A GLASS OF RIPPLE, IS THERE?

NO, THERE SURE AIN'T.

LISTEN. I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT
GERALD LEFT YOU WELL OFF...

YOU KNOW, WITH
THE ESTATE AND ALL.

YES, QUITE WELL
OFF, I MIGHT ADD.

BUT NOTHING TAKES THE PLACE OF A
MAN TO HELP YOU RAISE A DAUGHTER.

YEAH, YOU DEFINITELY GOT TO
HAVE THAT AROUND. MM-HMM.

HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK, FRED.
HE WAS THERE ALL THE TIME.

HUH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I ALWAYS KNEW IT WAS
JUST A MATTER OF TIME,

AND EVERYTHING WOULD WORK
ITSELF OUT RIGHT IN THE END.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT ALICE.
ALICE? WHAT ABOUT ALICE?

GERALD WENT TO HIS GRAVE
KNOWING ALICE WASN'T HIS DAUGHTER.

OH, WELL... WASN'T HIS DAUGHTER?

WELL, WHO... WHOSE
DAUGHTER IS SHE?

YOU... YOU DON'T KNOW, FRED?

ALICE IS OUR DAUGHTER.

WHAT?

DIDN'T... DIDN'T YOU GET
A GOOD LOOK AT HER?

DIDN'T YOU NOTICE THE SAME
COLOR AND THE SAME DEVILISH EYES?

THE SAME POUTY LOOK AROUND THE
MOUTH. FRED, ALICE IS YOUR DAUGHTER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

FRED, DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE
NIGHT OF THE HARVEST MOON BALL?

REMEMBER WHAT?
DON'T YOU REMEMBER...

♪ TUTTI FRUTTI ♪

♪ TUTTI ♪

♪ TUTTI FRUTTI ♪

♪ TUTTI ♪

♪ MMM, TUTTI FRUTTI ♪

♪ TUTTI ♪♪

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER.

HEY, IF ALICE... IF ALICE
IS OUR DAUGHTER...

OH, I THINK I'M
HAVIN' A BIG ONE!

IF ALICE IS OUR DAUGHTER, THEN
LAMONT IS OUT WITH HIS SISTER!

♪ WHAT YOU WANT BABY, I GOT IT ♪

HEY, POP.

I SAY GOOD MORNING,
POP. MORNING, SON.

YOU'RE UP AWFULLY EARLY.
DIDN'T YOU SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT?

NOT A WINK. I GOT A LOT OF STUFF ON MY
MIND. I WAS TOSSIN' AND TURNIN' ALL NIGHT.

OH, YEAH? WELL, I SLEPT LIKE A
BABY. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA FIX MYSELF THE BIGGEST BREAKFAST
I EVER ATE AND THEN FIX YOU ONE TOO.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, POP?
IT'S MY TURN THIS MORNING.

SAY, LAMONT, I DIDN'T HEAR
YOU COME IN LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, WELL, I WAS
OUT PRETTY LATE, POP.

ALICE AND I WAS OUT
WALKIN' UNTIL REAL LATE.

YEAH, SON, THAT'S IT. YOU AND HER JUST
KEEP WALKIN'. JUST WALK ALL THE TIME.

I MEAN... JUST
WALK ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT, POP? THERE AIN'T NO
SMOG BETWEEN 1:00 AND 3:00 IN THE MORNIN'.

IT'S THE BEST TIME
TO GO WALKIN'.

WE HAD TWO BURRITOS AND A FAT
BURGER UNDER THE WATTS TOWER.

SON, SIT DOWN. I WANT... THERE'S
SOMETHIN' I WANT TO TELL YOU.

AND THERE'S SOMETHIN' I
WANT TO TELL YOU TOO, POP.

LISTEN. YOU REMEMBER
THAT MOVIE THE GODFATHER?

YEAH. REMEMBER THAT SCENE
WHERE THIS DUDE WALKED IN THIS PLACE,

TOOK ONE LOOK AT THIS CHICK
AND FELL IN LOVE WITH HER?

THEY CALLED IT GETTIN' HIT
BY THE THUNDERBOLT. YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED WITH ALICE.

LISTEN. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. WHY?

BECAUSE IN THAT MOVIE THE GODFATHER,
ALL THEM PEOPLE WERE ITALIANS.

ONLY ITALIANS HAVE THUNDERBOLTS.

AH, THAT'S JUST ANOTHER WAY
OF SAYING "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT."

THAT'S ALL. AND THAT'S WHAT IT
WAS WITH ALICE... LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

LISTEN, SON, YOU GOT TO
GIVE HER UP. GIVE HER UP? WHY?

WELL, IT JUST WON'T
WORK OUT. BUT WHY?

BECAUSE IF I WAS TO MARRY
JUANITA AND YOU WAS TO MARRY ALICE,

JUANITA WOULD BE MY WIFE, YOUR
STEPMOTHER AND MOTHER-IN-LAW...

AND ALICE WOULD BE MY
DAUGHTER AND STEPDAUGHTER.

THAT'S JUST TOO DAMN MUCH
FAMILY IN THIS LITTLE HOUSE.

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, POP, BUT
I THINK YOU'LL GET USED TO THE IDEA.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA
FIX MYSELF SOME BREAKFAST.

[ Phone Ringing ] IS
THAT... I'LL GET THAT.

HELLO. WHO IS IT?

IT'S ALICE. THE THUNDERBOLT.

HI, BEAUTIFUL. YEAH,
I HAD A GOOD TIME.

HEY, WHAT'S UP? OH,
THAT SOUNDS TERRIFIC.

HEY, I'D LOVE TO.
OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

BYE, BEAUTIFUL.

THAT WAS ALICE.

SHE AND HER MOTHER ARE
GONNA COME OVER HERE

AND COOK DINNER AND
SERVE IT TO US TONIGHT.

THEY ARE? I JUST MIGHT
POP THE QUESTION TONIGHT.

I MEAN, WHY WAIT?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT? I LOVE HER! LISTEN.

YOU CAN'T PROPOSE TO A GIRL AND SAY,
"I LOVE YOU. WOULD YOU BE MY SISTER?"

LISTEN, POP, IN THE FIRST PLACE,
YOU AND JUANITA AREN'T MARRIED YET.

AND EVEN IF YOU DO,
THAT'S NOT GONNA STOP ME.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M
GONNA FIX MYSELF SOME BREAKFAST.

A HUNDRED MILLION
WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY,

AND THE DUMMY HAD TO
FALL IN LOVE WITH HIS SISTER.

[ Knocking ]

HELLO. HI. YOU'RE
EARLY, AREN'T YOU?

I'M NOT FINISHED DRESSING,
AND NEITHER IS POP.

WELL, YOU JUST TAKE YOUR TIME.
ALICE AND I WILL GO GET STARTED. OKAY.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HELP YOU WITH
ANYTHING, SHOW YOU WHERE EVERYTHING IS?

NO, WE'LL FIND IT. YOU
GO FINISH DRESSING. OKAY.

HI. HI.

I HAD A NICE TIME LAST
NIGHT. DID YOU? MM-HMM.

AT FIRST I COULDN'T GET TO SLEEP 'CAUSE I
HAD THIS WARM FEELING AROUND MY HEART.

DO YOU THINK IT
WAS THE BURRITOS?

NO, I KNOW WHAT IT WAS, AND I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT A LITTLE LATER.

BUT RIGHT NOW I
GOTTA GO CHANGE. OKAY.

I'LL GO HELP MOTHER
FIX DINNER. ALL RIGHT.

UH, ALICE, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
SUGAR FOR THE FIRST COURSE?

OH, LAMONT! [ Laughs ]

MMM!

WELL, BABY, START GETTING
USED TO SAYING "PAPA FRED."

YOU'RE THAT SURE OF HIM? HONEY,
ALL I GOT TO DO IS REEL HIM IN.

[ Both Laughing ]

I WONDER IF THAT SMOKING
JACKET GONNA FIT FRED.

DO YOU THINK HE'LL LIKE
IT? OH, I'M SURE HE WILL.

NOW, THAT WAS A GOOD
MOVE ON MY PART, YOU KNOW?

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT, MAMA? BECAUSE
WHEN A WOMAN'S TRYING TO HOOK A MAN,

SHE'S GOT TO USE
JUST THE RIGHT BAIT.

NOW, BETWEEN THAT
JACKET AND THIS FOOD, WELL...

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO... [
Together ] IS REEL HIM IN.

HI. HI.

AHHH!

OH. OKAY.

UH, ALICE, THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT I WANT TO ASK YOU.

SEE, I FEEL... ♪
JELLY, JELLY, JELLY ♪

NO. THERE'S YOUR FATHER.

♪ JELLY STAYS ON MY MIND ♪

♪ JELLY, JELLY, JELLY ♪

♪ JELLY STAYS ON MY MIND ♪♪
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
IT'S A SMOKIN' JACKET.

YOU GOT SOMETHIN' TO SMOKE?

OOOH, FRED, LOOK AT YOU!
YOU TAKE ME BACK 20 YEARS.

WHY, THAT JACKET
WAS MADE FOR YOU!

I LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO BE IN
THE CENTERFOLD OF EBONY, DON'T I?

YOU REALLY DO. YOU REALLY DO.

WELL, EVERYBODY SIT
DOWN. DINNER IS READY.

YEAH, WELL, LET'S EAT. MM-HMM.

ALICE, UH, YOU SIT
OVER HERE BY ME, HONEY.

LAMONT, YOU SIT OVER THERE.
AND YOU SIT BETWEEN... FRED. FRED!

WHY DON'T YOU SIT OVER
HERE? NO. I ALWAYS SIT HERE.

I ALWAYS SIT FACING THE
DOOR IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR.

I DON'T SIT WITH MY BACK TO THE
DOOR. I'M JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES.

ALL RIGHT. YOU SIT
WHEREVER YOU WANNA SIT.

AFTER ALL, YOU'RE THE MAN OF
THE HOUSE. I'LL GO GET THE FOOD.

SAY, WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY.
EVERYTHING SMELLS SO GOOD.

WHAT IS IT? WELL, FIRST
WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOUP.

FROM THE GREENS I TOOK
THE TENDEREST LEAVES,

AND WITH CHUNKS OF PORK AND
ONIONS SIMMERED IT VERY SLOWLY.

THEN I POURED THE LIQUID
INTO TWO WARM BOWLS...

AND LET IT SIT FOR TWO
MINUTES BEFORE SERVING.

I CALL IT "SOUP A LA COLLARDS."

OH, POT LIQUOR.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO
DO. YOU GIVE ME SOME

OF THEM TENDER LEAVES
FROM THE "COOLLARDS"...

AND A COUPLE OF CHUNKS OF THAT
PORK AND LET ME TASTE THEM FELLAS.

[ Juanita ] ANYTHING
YOU SAY, FRED.

ALICE, AREN'T YOU GONNA
HELP YOUR MOTHER?

OH, WHY DON'T YOU COME AND
GIVE ME A HAND IN THE KITCHEN?

IT'LL BE MORE FUN. HUH?

PLEASE? ALL RIGHT.

LOOK HERE, JUANITA, WE AIN'T
HAD TOO MUCH CHANCE TO TALK.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S
HAPPENIN'? WHAT?

LAMONT KISSED ALICE LAST NIGHT.

DID YOU HEAR ME?
LAMONT KISSED HIS SISTER.

I KNOW, FRED. ALICE
TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT.

IT WAS JUST A
BROTHER/SISTER TYPE KISS.

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.
LAMONT IS SERIOUS.

HE SAID, "THIS IS IT." YOU DON'T
"THIS IS IT" WITH YOUR SISTER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT, FRED. I'LL HANDLE IT.

NOW, WILL YOU HELP ME CARRY
DINNER IN BEFORE THE PEAS GET COLD?

YOU CUTE DEVIL. NO. I...

WHOO. WELL, HERE IT
IS, ALL NICE AND HOT.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO TRY THIS
SALAD DRESSING I MADE SPECIAL.

THAT'S ENOUGH. TELL
ME IF YOU LIKE THAT.

YOU TOO. A LITTLE BIT THERE.

MMM, THIS FOOD IS GOOD!

[ Giggles ]

YOU REALLY OUTDID
YOURSELF THIS TIME, MAMA.

THANK YOU. DO YOU LIKE IT, FRED?

FRED! HUH?

DO YOU LIKE IT? OH,
YEAH. THIS IS DELICIOUS.

GOOD. UH, ALICE, CAN
YOU COOK LIKE THIS?

OH, NO, NO. I NEVER LEARNED
TO COOK LIKE MOTHER.

IN OTHER WORDS, IF A
MAN'S GONNA BE AROUND YOU,

HE'D HAVE TO LEARN HOW
TO EAT THEM TV DINNERS, HUH?

COOKING ISN'T EVERYTHING, FRED.

IF A MAN REALLY LOVED ALICE, HE
WOULDN'T CARE IF SHE COULD COOK OR NOT.

THAT'S RIGHT, POP. YOUNG PEOPLE
DON'T CARE NOTHIN' ABOUT FOOD.

LOVE IS MORE IMPORTANT.

WELL, I GIVE A MARRIAGE LIKE
THAT ONE MONTH. [ Lamont ] WHY?

BECAUSE THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH
TIME TO SPEND GETTIN' FED UP...

ON EATIN' TV DINNERS AND
EATIN' PORK AND BEANS AND LOVE.

AND I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER
REASON WHY IT WON'T WORK... FRED!

- WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT
SOME OTHER TIME.
- I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT NOW.

FRED, I SAID WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THAT SOME OTHER TIME!

YOU DON'T TELL ME
WHAT I CAN TALK ABOUT...

YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN
TALK ABOUT IN MY OWN HOUSE.

DON'T YOU POINT YOUR FINGER
AT MY NOSE, FRED SANFORD!

I'LL POINT MY FINGER
AT YOUR NOSE,

AND I'LL POINT MY FOOT
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN A MINUTE.

YOU SEE? YOU SEE? THE
SAME! NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

THE SAME CRUDE MANNERS.
THE SAME FIGHTIN' FISTS.

AND YOU STILL GOT THE SAME BAD
TEMPER AND THE SAME BIG, FAT MOUTH.

YOU JUNK MAN! YOU BATTLE-AX!

ARE YOU GONNA SIT THERE AND
WATCH YOUR FATHER INSULT MY MOTHER?

ARE YOU GONNA STAND THERE AND
LET YOUR MOTHER INSULT MY FATHER?

WHAT ARE YOU, A SPINELESS CREEP?
WHO ARE YOU CALLING A CREEP?

YEAH, WHO ARE YOU CALLING A
CREEP? YOU'RE BOTH A PAIR OF CREEPS!

LISTEN. HOW WOULD BOTH OF
YOU LIKE ONE ACROSS THE LIPS?

[ Lamont ] YEAH! I GOT TWO
HANDS FOR TWO PAIR OF LIPS.

ALICE, COME ON. LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

OUT OF THIS DUMP! THAT'S
RIGHT. GET ON OUT OF THIS DUMP.

AND STAY OUT OF THIS DUMP! AND HERE,
TAKE THIS FAGGOTY JACKET WITH YOU!

NOW I KNOW WHERE MY
DAUGHTER GET HER QUALITIES FROM.

SHE GET HER GOOD LOOKS FROM ME,
AND SHE GET HER BAD TEMPER FROM YOU!

ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
ARE YOU KIDDIN'!

DID YOU REALLY BELIEVE
ALICE WAS YOUR DAUGHTER?

DID YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?
THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME, WITCH.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD YOU 'CAUSE I HAD
SOMETHIN' ELSE IN MY MIND AT THE TIME.

ALICE IS GERALD'S DAUGHTER,

AND SHE LOOKS MORE LIKE HIM DEAD
THAN SHE EVER WOULD LOOK LIKE YOU ALIVE!

[ Growls ]

NOW I KNOW WHY THAT PSYCHIATRIST
JANITOR GOT BURNED TO DEATH.

HE GOT TOO CLOSE
TO YOUR FIERY TONGUE.

IT'S A GOOD THING
I'M A CHURCH MEMBER.

DON'T FEEL BAD, SON. YOU FOUND
OUT JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, POP. ONE MINUTE
SHE WAS SWEET, AND THE NEXT MINUTE...

YEAH, THE THUNDERBOLT
TURNED INTO A VOLCANO.

YOU TOLD ME I SHOULD
WAIT. YEAH, I TOLD YOU.

I MEAN, SHE COULDN'T
DANCE. SHE COULDN'T COOK.

WHAT WAS SO SPECIAL
ABOUT HER? I DON'T KNOW, POP.

AND SHE HAD BAD LEGS.
SHE HAD THEM THICK ANKLES.

YEAH. HER ANKLES WERE
THICK LIKE STUMPS. YEAH.

AND I BET IN THE SUMMERTIME, THEY EVEN
SWELL UP BIGGER, LIKE-LIKE TREE STUMPS.

[ Laughs ] I BET DOGS WOULD'VE
FOLLOWED HER ANYWHERE.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, POP? SHE
HAD A BAD HABIT OF SUCKIN' HER TEETH.

SHE ATE TWO FAT BURGERS,
AND SHE WAS... [ Sucking Teeth ]

YOU KNOW, THAT'S TERRIBLE,
THEM TEETH SUCKERS. YEAH.

YOU KNOW, THEY EVEN DO
THAT STUFF AT NIGHT. I KNOW.

AND YOU'LL BE SLEEPING.
THEY'LL KEEP YOU UP ALL NIGHT.

[ Sucking Teeth ]

AND DID YOU SEE HER EYES? SHE
HAD THEM FUNNY-LOOKING EYES.

YEAH, SHE HAD EYES...
SHE HAD LIKE BANJO EYES.

SHE HAD THEM EYES LIKE THEY GOT
IN THE FUNNY PAPER... MOON MULLINS.

HE SAID, "I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET MY WIFE, MOON MULLINS."

"HOW DO YOU DO, MISS MOON? WOULD
YOU STOP SUCKING YOUR TEETH?"

HEY, POP, IT LOOKS LIKE THE
THUNDERBOLT TURNED OUT TO BE A DRIZZLE.

YEAH, AND JUANITA
TURNED OUT TO BE A FIZZLE.

YEAH, DRIZZLE AND
FIZZLE! AND FIZZLE!

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON
IS RECORDED ON TAPE...

BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.