Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 12 - A Guest in the Yard - full transcript

NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF
YOU WILL JUST FOLLOW ME, PLEASE.

WATCH YOUR STEP ON THAT CABLE.

FOLLOW THE CENTER RED LINE.

TRY TO STAY TOGETHER.

GATHER ROUND ME, PLEASE.

THIS IS THE STUDIO WHERE WE SHOOT THE
TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, LAMONT? THIS IS WHERE
THEY SHOOT THE TONIGHT SHOW. I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE WHERE THAT FELLA
SAYS, "HERE'S JOHNNY!"

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS EVERY NIGHT.

ED McMAHON SAYS,
"HERE'S JOHNNY!"

WOULD YOU STOP EMBARRASSING
ME? I CAN'T TAKE YOU NOPLACE.



I'LL TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN
TAKE ME. YOU CAN TAKE ME HOME.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S BEEN
BUGGING ME FOR THE LAST MONTH...

TO TAKE YOU ON A TOUR
OF A TELEVISION STATION.

AND YOU SPOILING IT
FOR ME. WHAT AM I DOING?

YOU'RE TALKING TOO MUCH
AND EMBARRASSING ME.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND I WANT YOU TO QUIT IT.

YOU MEAN, WHAT I SAID ABOUT
JOHNNY CARSON? THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT ED McMAHON SAYS
EVERY NIGHT ON THE TONIGHT SHOW,

"HERE'S JOHNNY!"

WOULD YOU STOP IT?

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IF YOU WILL FOLLOW ME, PLEASE,

I WILL TAKE YOU OUT TO
THE STARS' PARKING LOT.

OH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THE STARS' PARKING LOT. I BET THAT'S
WHERE THE STARS PARK THEIR CARS.



THAT'S TERRIFIC, POP. I GUESS YOU
FIGURED THAT OUT ALL BY YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAD YOUR OWN
TELEVISION SHOW, YOUR ANNOUNCER WOULD SAY,

"HERE'S DUMMY!"

PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP. WE ARE
APPROACHING THE STARS' PARKING LOT.

COME ALL THE WAY
DOWN HERE, PLEASE.

NOW, OVER THERE
IN THE FIRST SPACE...

IS WHERE FLIP
WILSON PARKS HIS CAR.

FLIP WILSON? FLIP WILSON
PARKS HIS CAR RIGHT HERE?

YES, SIR.

THAT MUST BE FLIP WILSON'S OIL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GETTING A LITTLE SOUVENIR SO I CAN
SHOW THE FELLAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU KNOW, I'LL SHOW 'EM THIS HANDKERCHIEF
AND I'LL SAY, "THIS IS FLIP WILSON'S OIL."

WOULD YOU GET BACK OVER HERE?

I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE INTERRUPTION.

AND THE SPACE OVER HERE IS
WHERE JOHNNY CARSON PARKS HIS CAR.

"HERE'S JOHNNY'S CAR!"

WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK IT OFF?

THE CAR OVER HERE BELONGS
TO ONE OF THE GUESTS...

APPEARING ON JOHNNY'S
SHOW TONIGHT... LENA HORNE.

LENA HORNE! WAIT A
MINUTE! LENA HORNE!

DID YOU SAY LENA
HORNE? THAT'S RIGHT.

LENA HORNE'S SOMEWHERE
IN THIS BUILDING RIGHT NOW?

THAT'S CORRECT, SIR. AND
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

WAIT A MINUTE. LOOK. THE LENA
HORNE? I MEAN, THE REAL LENA HORNE?

YES, SIR, THAT'S THE ONE.

AND NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU'LL
JUST FOLLOW ME, PLEASE,

I WILL SHOW YOU
THE NBC COMMISSARY.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, LAMONT? DO YOU
KNOW WHO'S IN THIS BUILDING NOW? THE HORNE.

I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU, AND I
DON'T WANNA BE AROUND YOU NO MORE.

YOU'VE EMBARRASSED ME
FOR THE LAST TIME TODAY.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S HER
NAME, AND THAT'S HER DOOR.

FIVE MINUTES, MISS HORNE.

MISS HORNE?

ANYONE HERE?

LENA'S MIRROR.

LAST TIME LENA HORNE
LOOKED IN THIS MIRROR,

HER FACE WAS RIGHT
THERE WHERE MINE IS NOW.

LENA'S NEGLIGEE.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

LENA'S BODY WAS IN THERE.

LENA'S BRUSH AND
LENA'S POWDER PUFF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN MY DRESSING ROOM?

IT'S HER! IT'S YOU!

OH!

OH, IT'S THE BIG ONE! YOU
HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?

I'M COMING TO JOIN YA, HONEY,

WITH... WITH LENA'S
PUFF IN MY HAND.

WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU? [ Groans ]

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
DRINK SOME WATER.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO STARTLE YOU, BUT WHAT
ARE YOU DOING IN MY DRESSING ROOM?

RIGHT NOW I'M HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.

SHALL I CALL A DOCTOR? NO.
IT'LL GO AWAY, AND THEN I'LL LEAVE.

BUT WHAT... WHAT...
WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?

DO YOU WORK HERE?
ARE YOU WITH NBC?

UH, YEAH, I'M WITH NBC.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO?

UH... I'M AN ANNOUNCER.

YOU WHAT? YOU'RE AN
ANNOUNCER? YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

NO. I DON'T MEAN TO LAUGH AT YOU, BUT I
DON'T QUITE SEE YOU AS AN ANNOUNCER.

I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRESS
REHEARSAL FOR A SHOW, SO I MUST GET BACK.

WELL, THEN I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
SEE, MISS HORNE, I'M A FAN OF YOURS.

I MEAN, A REAL BIG FAN. WELL,
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I SAW YOUR MOVIE
STORMY WEATHER 38 TIMES.

YOU'RE JOKING.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU PAID
TO SEE STORMY WEATHER 38 TIMES?

NO, I ONLY PAID
ONCE. I WENT IN ON A

SATURDAY AND CAME OUT
ON A WEDNESDAY EVENING.

BUT SEE, THAT'S NOT
THE REAL REASON I CAME.

SEE, THE REAL REASON
I CAME IS BECAUSE I

PROMISED MY SON THAT
I WOULD TRY TO SEE YOU.

YOU CAME HERE FOR YOUR SON?

WELL, I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND
YOU. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR.

WELL, ALL RIGHT. IF YOU
DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

BUT IF YOU WANNA
HEAR IT, I'LL TELL YOU.

ALL RIGHT. YOU SURE YOU
WANNA HEAR ABOUT THIS?

REALLY, I AM IN A BIG HURRY.

OKAY, OKAY, THEN
I'LL TELL YOU. SEE, UH,

MY SON IS A BIG
FAN OF YOURS TOO.

AND HIS MOTHER USED TO SING
"STORMY WEATHER" WHEN HE WAS A BABY.

♪ DON'T KNOW WHY THERE'S
NO SUN UP IN THE SKY ♪♪

I REMEMBER THE SONG. DO YOU?

"STORMY WEATHER." NOW THE ONLY TIME
HE HEARS HER SINGING IS IN HIS DREAMS,

BECAUSE SHE PASSED AWAY.

OH, I AM SORRY.

BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING
HIM WITH YOU TO SEE ME?

WELL, EVER SINCE... EVER
SINCE THAT HAPPENED,

LITTLE LAMONT
HASN'T BEEN THE SAME.

WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM? UH, WELL,

WHAT'S WRONG IS, UH, I
DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.

DOESN'T HE GO TO SCHOOL?

NOT ANYMORE. HE'S A DROP-IN.

YOU MEAN HE'S A DROPOUT.

NO, A DROP-IN. HE DROPPED
IN A FEW TIMES AND JUST QUIT.

WELL, TELL ME, WHY IS
HE SO INTERESTED IN ME?

WELL, LIKE I SAID, SEE, HIS MOTHER
USED TO SING "STORMY WEATHER" TO HIM,

AND THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHO COULD SING
"STORMY WEATHER" LIKE HIS MOTHER IS YOU.

SO I GUESS HE SORT OF LOOKS
ON YOU LIKE A SUBSTITUTE MOTHER.

ME? OH. YEAH.

THIS MORNING, YOU
KNOW, WHEN HE WOKE UP,

HE LOOKED UP AT ME WITH
THOSE BIG BROWN EYES...

AND HE SAID, "DADDY, YOU
GONNA SEE LENA HORNE TODAY?"

HE SAID THAT SO CUTE.

HE SAID, "IF YOU SEE HER,
WOULD YOU TELL HER I LOVE HER?"

OH.

WHAT A SHAME THAT YOU COULDN'T
HAVE BROUGHT HIM HERE WITH YOU.

WELL, THE REASON I CAN'T...

CAN'T YOU BRING HIM HERE
WITH YOU? NO, HE'S, UH...

I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.

HE'S NOT LAME, IS HE? LAME?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE IS, LAME.

OH, I AM SORRY. I'M SO... DO
YOU THINK HE'D LIKE MY PICTURE?

OH, THAT'D BE SO NICE.

HERE'S ONE ALREADY SIGNED.

OH, THIS IS REALLY NICE.
IT'S GONNA REALLY HELP.

SEE, IN THE MORNING WHEN
LITTLE LAMONT WAKES UP,

I CAN HOLD THIS PICTURE ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM...

AND HE CAN CRAWL
OUT THE BED TO IT.

WELL, I-I DO HAVE TO BE GETTING
BACK TO REHEARSAL. I'M LEAVING.

AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR COMING BY, MISTER...

SANFORD. THAT'S
S-A-N-F-O-R-D, PERIOD.

MR. SANFORD. NICE
TO MEET YOU. YEAH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. LISTEN.

TELL LITTLE LAMONT I SAID HELLO.

YEAH, AND THERE'S ONE OTHER THING
I PROMISED HIM THAT I WOULD ASK YOU.

YEAH? I COULDN'T.

OH, BUT WHAT IS IT?

I CAN'T. WELL, ALL
RIGHT. GOOD-BYE NOW.

YES, I CAN.

YOU SEE, THIS MORNING,
LITTLE LAMONT, UH,

SAT UP IN THE BED, HE SAID, "DADDY,
CAN YOU BRING LENA HORNE TO SEE ME?"

OH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. I JUST
CAN'T DO IT. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. BIG STAR LIKE YOU
GOT A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO...

THAN VISIT LITTLE LAME BOYS.

MR. SANFORD,
THAT'S NOT WHAT IT IS.

WELL, LOOK. FIRST OF ALL
I'VE GOT TO DO THIS SHOW.

THEN, I'M GOING TO DO A BENEFIT FOR
OPERATION HEADSTART UP IN SAN FRANCISCO.

SO THAT MEANS I'VE GOT TO GET
RIGHT TO THE AIRPORT IMMEDIATELY.

AIRPORT? WELL, MY PLACE IS
RIGHT OUT NEAR THE AIRPORT.

IN FACT, WE SO CLOSE, WHEN THE PLANES
FLY OVER, WE CAN SEE WHAT MOVIE'S PLAYING.

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T MANAGE IT.

AS IT IS, I'M GOING TO
BE IN A TERRIBLE HURRY.

I PROMISED LITTLE LAMONT THAT
I WOULD GIVE YOU THE MESSAGE,

SO I'M GIVING YOU THE MESSAGE.

MISS HORNE, LAMONT
SANFORD LOVES YA.

LITTLE LAME LAMONT.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. I'LL
COME TO YOUR HOUSE.

I'LL COME. YES. YES. YOU
WILL? YOU'RE NOT KIDDING ME.

YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THIS.
NO, BUT LISTEN, ONLY FOR A MINUTE.

JUST PUT YOUR ADDRESS RIGHT
HERE. I'LL TRY TO GET THERE ABOUT 8:00.

WILL LITTLE LAMONT
STILL BE AWAKE?

IF YOU'RE COMING OVER,
I'LL SEE TO IT THAT HE IS.

NOW YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THIS. IF YOU
BREAK YOUR PROMISE, YOU'LL BREAK HIS HEART.

NO, I PROMISE. WELL, THANK YOU SO
MUCH, AND THANKS FOR THE PICTURE.

AND THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY
LITTLE BOY. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

WHERE WERE YOU? I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU FOR THE LAST THREE HOURS.

WHERE WAS I? WHERE
WERE YOU? YOU JUST TOOK

OFF WITH THEM PEOPLE,
LEFT ME STANDING THERE.

THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'M
TAKING YOU ANYWHERE.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU
WENT OFF AND LEFT ME,

'CAUSE THE GREATEST THING
HAPPENED EVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFE.

I'LL BET. I AIN'T KIDDIN' YA.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN
THEY TOOK US OVER THERE TO

SHOW US WHERE JOHNNY
CARSON PARKED HIS CAR?

YEAH. "HERE'S JOHNNY!"

ARE YOU GONNA START THAT AGAIN?

RIGHT AFTER YOU
LEFT, GUESS WHO I MET.

JOHNNY CARSON.
NO, NO, NO. A SHE.

THE FIRST LADY OF MY DREAMS.

PAT NIXON.

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE KIDDING
AROUND, I'LL JUST GO ON AND TELL YOU.

YOU READY? LENA HORNE.

YOU MET LENA HORNE? POP, HAVE
YOU BEEN IN THE APPLEJACK AGAIN?

NO, I MET LENA HORNE, AND NOT ONLY
THAT, SHE'S COMING HERE TONIGHT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YOU HEARD ME. LENA HORNE
IS COMING HERE TONIGHT.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE
ME? OH, I BELIEVE YOU.

SHE'S COMING HERE ACCOMPANIED
BY DUKE ELLINGTON'S BAND,

THE JACKSON FIVE
AND CHUBBY CHECKER.

HI. REMEMBER ME?

[ Knocking ] I KNOW WHO THAT IS.

YEAH, ME TOO. IT'S LENA. SHE
COULDN'T WAIT TO GET HERE.

HELLO, LAMONT.

HEY, LUTHER. WHAT
YOU ALL DOING HERE?

FRED TOLD US ALL TO COME OVER.

YEAH, COME ON IN AND
HAVE A LITTLE SIT-DOWN.

GET THAT CHAIR AGAINST THE
WALL, BILLY. COME ON IN, ARTHUR.

SIT DOWN THERE. WHAT IS ALL
THIS? WHAT ARE YOU STARTING HERE?

A GRAY PANTHER PARTY?

LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T
WANNA STAY, YOU CAN LEAVE.

I DONE ROUNDED UP EVERYBODY
WHO WAS IN THE POOLROOM...

AND BROUGHT 'EM HERE
LIKE YOU ASKED ME TO.

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT BETTER BE IMPORTANT.
IT WAS MY SHOT.

I THOUGHT YOU FELLAS MIGHT WANNA
HEAR ABOUT MY TOUR OF NBC TODAY.

SEE HERE? LOOK AT THAT STAIN.

THAT'S FLIP WILSON'S OIL.

FRED, I KNOW YOU AIN'T BROUGHT US ALL
THE WAY OVER HERE FROM THE POOLROOM...

TO SHOW US FLIP WILSON'S OIL.

NO, I GOT SOME OIL FROM FLIP
WILSON'S CAR, AND I MET LENA HORNE.

YOU MET LENA HORNE?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

WHO IS THAT? THAT'S LENA HORNE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE'D
YOU GET THAT PICTURE?

LENA GAVE IT TO ME.
YOU SEE IT'S SIGNED.

THAT'S A RUBBER STAMP. YOU PROBABLY
BOUGHT THAT PICTURE SOMEPLACE.

YOU GOT ABOUT AS CLOSE TO LENA
HORNE AS YOU GOT TO FLIP WILSON.

WELL, I GUESS SHE'LL HAVE TO TELL YOU
HERSELF WHEN SHE GETS HERE TONIGHT.

LENA HORNE IS
COMING HERE TONIGHT?

HEY, FRED MUST HAVE DRANK
SOME OF FLIP WILSON'S OIL.

I WOULDN'T MIND
HAVING A BIT MYSELF.

I'LL HAVE A LITTLE TASTE.
YEAH, GIVE ME A NIP.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
I'M GONNA DO. WHAT?

YOU DON'T BELIEVE SHE'S
GONNA BE HERE. WANNA BET?

PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR
MOUTH IS. PUT UP OR SHUT UP.

PUT YOUR MOUTH ON
THE FLOOR. I MEAN, MONEY.

YOU GOT A BET. I'M IN.

HOW MUCH? FIFTEEN
DOLLARS APIECE.

IT'S A BET. FIFTEEN BUCKS.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING? STAY OUT OF THIS.

LISTEN HERE, FELLAS. WHEN YOU GET HERE
TONIGHT, MAKE SURE YOU BRING YOUR MONEY.

OH, WE'RE GONNA BRING OURS. YOU
JUST MAKE SURE YOU GOT YOURS, HEAR?

ONE OTHER THING. WHEN
YOU GET HERE TONIGHT,

HIDE OUTSIDE AND LOOK
THROUGH THE WINDOW.

NOBODY GONNA BE LOOKIN'
THROUGH NO WINDOW.

- WHY CAN'T WE COME IN?
- YOU GOT TO STAY OUTSIDE.

WAIT A MINUTE, FRED. I DON'T BELIEVE LENA
HORNE IS COMING HERE TONIGHT OR EVER.

BUT JUST IN CASE SHE DOES,
WHY CAN'T WE ALL BE HERE?

TELL HER WE'RE HAVING
A MEETING. [ All Agreeing ]

NO, LISTEN. IF LENA HORNE
CAME HERE AND SAW YOU GUYS,

SHE WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS NO
MEETING, SHE'D THINK IT WAS A MUGGING.

OUTSIDE!

WE'LL BE BACK, HEAR? ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU FLIPPED.

YOU'VE ACTUALLY FLIPPED MAKING
A BET LIKE THAT. SO I FLIPPED.

YOU CAN GO UPSTAIRS AND
STAY IN YOUR ROOM WHEN

LENA HORNE COMES. DON'T
BOTHER TO COME DOWN.

YOU WANT HER ALL TO
YOURSELF? JUST THE TWO OF YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S
RIGHT. A MAN AND HIS HORNE.

GIMME THAT PICTURE.

WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME, POP? NOW,
EVEN IF YOU DID MEET LENA HORNE TODAY...

AND EVEN IF SHE SAID SHE
WAS COMING HERE TONIGHT,

SHE PROBABLY JUST SAID IT TO
GET RID OF YOU. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE
COME UP TO HER AND ASK FOR FAVORS?

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. IF SHE TOLD YOU
SHE WAS COMING TO THIS HOUSE TONIGHT,

IT'S JUST TO GET
YOU OUT OF HER HAIR.

AND YOU BELIEVED HER.
YEAH, I BELIEVED HER.

SURE I BELIEVE HER.

YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT
TO ME, WOULD YOU, LENA?

YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME. YOU
KNOW, KILL MY CHANCES OF MAKING 75 BUCKS.

HELLO, NBC? I'D LIKE TO
SPEAK TO MISS LENA HORNE.

THANK YOU.

LENA WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.

LENA COULDN'T LIE TO ME.

LENA WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME.

WHY'D YOU LIE TO ME, LENA?

HELLO. EH, WHAT?

YEAH, I KNOW SHE'S
GOING TO THE AIRPORT,

BUT DID SHE SAY SHE'S GONNA
STOP ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE WAY?

SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING AT ALL
ABOUT STOPPING ANYWHERE ELSE?

STRAIGHT TO THE AIRPORT.

OH, YEAH. OKAY. THANK YOU.

"SINCERELY." I BET
THAT IS A RUBBER STAMP.

HELLO, SON. WHERE YOU
BEEN? WHERE DO YOU THINK?

I WAS DOWN AT THE
POOLROOM TRYING TO TALK THEM

DUDES OUT OF THAT
RIDICULOUS BET YOU MADE.

AND? I COULDN'T.

YOU DON'T STILL THINK SHE'S
GONNA SHOW UP, DO YOU, POP?

SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA
BE HERE. HONEST. I AIN'T LYIN'.

WHAT TIME DID SHE
SAY SHE WAS COMING?

- 8:00.
- POP, IT'S 8:15 NOW.

SHE AIN'T GONNA SHOW UP,
IS SHE? WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I SHOULD MAKE YOU STAY HERE
AND FACE THEM GUYS AND PAY UP.

YOU KNOW I AIN'T
GOT NO 75 BUCKS.

WE'D BETTER GET OUTTA
HERE AND GO TO A MOVIE.

WHEN THEY GET HERE, WE'LL
BE GONE. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

THERE'S A MOVIE DOWN AT THE PARADISE
THEATER THAT I THINK YOU OUGHTA SEE.

- WHAT'S THE NAME OF IT?
- SNOW JOB.

I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.

[ Airplane Passes Overhead ]

THERE GOES LENA.

[ Knocking ] FELLAS
ARE HERE ALREADY.

ARE YOU FRED SANFORD? YEAH.

EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.

OH!

OH!

PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T
HAVE ANOTHER HEART ATTACK.

I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU. BUT I TOLD YOU
I'D BE HERE. DIDN'T YOU BELIEVE ME?

YEAH, BUT, I JUST DIDN'T...

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT
NOW? YEAH, I'M OKAY NOW.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU OUGHTA DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE HEART ATTACKS.

I AM. I'M SAVING UP FOR
A HEART TRANSPLANT.

ANYWAY, I'VE GOT TO GET THAT
PLANE, SO WHERE'S LITTLE LAMONT?

WHO? OH, YEAH, UH...
HE'S UPSTAIRS. SHH!

OH, IS HE ASLEEP? YEAH,
HE JUST WENT TO SLEEP.

OH, I'M SO SORRY. I COULD HAVE
HELPED PUT HIM INTO HIS JAMMIES.

YEAH, HE WOULD HAVE LIKED THAT.

HEY, POP! I THINK WE'D
BETTER GET OUTTA HERE!

POP? DID HE SAY, "POP"?

IS THAT LITTLE LAMONT?

OH!

I THINK I'M HAVING ONE, POP.

MY VERY FIRST ONE.

AND IT'S A BIG ONE!

YOU HEAR THAT, MOM?

YOUR LITTLE BOY'S
COMING TO JOIN YOU.

WITH A MUSTACHE!

LAMONT, LAMONT,
THIS IS LENA HORNE.

I KNOW. THIS IS LITTLE LAMONT?

WHAT? LITTLE LAME LAMONT?

WHAT IS THIS STORY YOU TOLD ME,

MR. SANFORD? I THOUGHT
YOU HAD A LITTLE SON.

I DO. HE'LL ALWAYS
BE MY LITTLE SON.

WELL, OF ALL THE
LOW-DOWN, ROTTEN TRICKS.

GETTING ME OUT HERE BY TELLING ME
YOU HAVE A LITTLE BOY WHO WAS LAME.

LAME? YEAH, LAME. YOU OUGHT
TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LAME IN THE
LEG. YOU CAN BE LAME SOMEWHERE ELSE.

YOU TOLD HER I WAS LAME?
"LAME." THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

AFTER I TOLD YOU WHERE I HAD
TO GO AND WHY I WAS IN A HURRY.

AND NOW I'M GONNA MISS MY
PLANE, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

WELL, ALL I'M GONNA SAY TO
YOU IS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

LENA HORNE! YEAH!

IT'S REALLY LENA!
IT'S HER ALL OVER!

WHO ARE THESE, LITTLE
LAMONT'S LITTLE PLAYMATES?

FRED, THAT IS LENA HORNE.
MAN, YOU WASN'T JIVIN'.

YOU REALLY DID IT. I
KNEW HER RIGHT AWAY.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, FELLAS. MISS
HORNE HAS GOTTA GET HER PLANE.

OH, NOW WAIT A MINUTE, FRED. YOU WON
THE BET. WE OWE YOU 15 BUCKS APIECE.

I GOT THE MONEY RIGHT
HERE FOR ALL OF US.

YEAH, A BET'S A BET NOW.

BET? DID YOU SAY A BET?

FRED BET US 15 BUCKS APIECE HE COULD
GET YOU TO COME TO HIS HOUSE TONIGHT,

AND SON OF A GUN
IF HE DIDN'T DO IT.

YOU LOW-DOWN, ROTTEN, LYIN',
JIVIN', CONNIVIN'... WAIT! WAIT!

YOU GOTTA LET ME
EXPLAIN. SEE, LET ME EXPLAIN.

WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD
TO FLY TO SAN FRANCISCO...

TO DO A BENEFIT FOR
OPERATION HEADSTART,

I GOT TO THINKING I GOT SOME FRIENDS
THAT MIGHT WANT TO MAKE A DONATION.

SO TO MAKE SURE ALL OF THEM HAD MONEY
WHEN THEY GOT HERE, THAT'S WHY I BET 'EM.

AND HERE'S ALL THE MONEY
RIGHT NOW WITH OUR COMPLIMENTS.

WHERE'S YOUR 15, POP?

IS THIS FOR REAL?
REALLY REAL? YEAH.

IT'S REAL. DON'T YOU LOVE IT?

OH, WHAT CAN I SAY?
THIS IS WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WAIT A MINUTE, MISS
HORNE. HERE'S MY 15!

[ All Yelling At Once ]

SAY, POP, AREN'T
YOU COMING TO BED?

HEY, AREN'T YOU
COMING TO BED? HUH?

SHE WAS HERE.

SHE KISSED ME. I KNOW, POP.

I WAS KISSED BY THE HORNE.

LISTEN, POP. YOU
GOTTA GET SOME SLEEP.

SHE WAS IN THIS HOUSE. SHE WAS
STANDING RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU ARE.

AND SHE GAVE ME
ONE ACROSS THE LIPS.

I KNOW, POP. COME ON.
LET'S GO TO BED NOW.

SHE WAS RIGHT HERE IN
THIS HOUSE. I KNOW THAT, POP,

BUT SHE'S GONE NOW.

YEAH, SHE'S GONE,
BUT SHE WAS HERE.

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY THERE
AIN'T NO SUN UP IN THE SKY ♪

♪ STORMY WEATHER ♪♪

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON WAS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.