Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 5 - A Matter of Life and Breath - full transcript
While on his daily rounds, Lamont spots a "Breath Mobile" that is offering free chest X-Rays. Concerned about his father's chain smoking, he tries to get his old man to get a chest X-Ray, which Fred is reluctant to do. He and Fred both get chest X-Rays and when they get the results in the mail, Fred's letter comes up clean, but Lamont's states that his test was "unsatisfactory due to a technical fault". Taking this as a sign that he has tuberculosis, Lamont panics and decides to check into a sanitarium. Fred become nervous that the condition might be contagious and tries to sanitize the house. Later, Lamont comes home disgusted because the "technical fault" was due to his St. Christopher medal blocking the X-Ray. He also learns that while he was gone, Fred not only read his last will and testament, but also burned his mattresses, sheets and pillow cases.
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Honking Continues ]
[ Coughing ]
SMOKING LESS, BUT
ENJOYING IT MORE.
HEY, POP. LAMONT,
YOU BRING CIGARETTES?
- BRING ANY WHAT?
- DID YOU BRING CIGARETTES?
THE SMOKES. DID YOU BRING 'EM?
DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF JUST NOW?
YEAH. I SAID DID YOU BRING THE CIGARETTES?
NO, I DON'T MEAN THAT. I MEAN
DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF COUGHING.
I HEARD YOU A BLOCK AWAY. IT SOUNDED
LIKE THEY WAS TEARING UP THE STREETS.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW IF I BROUGHT
YOU SOME CIGARETTES. WELL, DID YOU?
DID YOU BRING THEM? I TOLD YOU THIS MORNING
WHEN YOU LEFT TO BRING ME CIGARETTES.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU DID, POP.
BUT LISTEN, I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
NOW, ON THE WAY HOME, I PASSED
SOMETHING THEY CALL A BREATHMOBILE.
YOU KNOW WHAT A BREATHMOBILE IS?
YEAH, THAT'S SOMETHING YOU SPRAY IN YOUR
MOUTH SO YOUR FRIENDS DON'T TURN AWAY.
NO, IT'S A MOBILE UNIT FOR TAKING
CHEST X-RAYS AND BREATHING TESTS.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH ME? EVERYTHING, POP.
NOW, YOU GOT TO GIVE THEM UP.
YOU GOT TO GIVE UP CIGARETTES.
FOR WHAT? 'CAUSE THEY'RE
KILLING YOU, THAT'S FOR WHAT.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN SMOKING ANYWAY?
LET'S SEE. I STARTED
AFTER I LEFT SCHOOL.
I-I WAS TEN.
TEN? THAT MEANS YOU'VE BEEN
SMOKING FOR FIFTY-FIVE YEARS.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
SMOKING THAT IS?
LET ME SEE IF I CAN
FIGURE THIS THING OUT.
TEN. LET ME SEE.
NOW, A CIGARETTE IS THREE
INCHES LONG. [ Clears Throat ]
NOW, A PACK OF 20 CIGARETTES
IS 60 INCHES OR 5 FEET.
NOW, HOW MANY DO YOU
SMOKE A DAY? TWO PACKS.
TWO PACKS? POP,
THAT'S 40 CIGARETTES.
LET ME SEE, THAT'S...
THAT'S ABOUT TEN FEET OF
CIGARETTES MULTIPLIED BY ONE YEAR,
THAT'S 3,650 FEET
OF CIGARETTE A YEAR.
- SO WHAT?
- THREE QUARTERS OF A MILE...
EVERY YEAR FOR 55 YEARS.
POP, SINCE YOU WAS TEN, YOU
SMOKED A CIGARETTE 41 MILES LONG.
THAT'S REAL SUPER
KING-SIZED, AIN'T IT?
FORTY-ONE MILES. YOU KNOW...
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE, POP?
THAT'S LIKE YOU SMOKED A CIGARETTE
FROM... FROM HERE TO DISNEYLAND.
HEY, POP, DO YOURSELF
A FAVOR. GIVE 'EM UP.
GIVE 'EM UP? I ENJOY
SMOKING. [ Coughing ]
SAY, POP, CIGARETTES WILL
KILL YOU. DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?
I BELIEVE YOU. KILLED A FRIEND OF
MINE IN DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA.
YOU SEE THAT?
GOT KILLED BY A TOBACCO TRUCK.
TRUCK RAN OVER
HIS NICE CLEAN LUNG.
I WAS SMOKIN' AT HIS
FUNERAL, TRYING TO RELAX.
I WANT YOU TO GET A CHEST X-RAY
AND A CHECKUP. NOW, IT'S FREE.
I AIN'T GOING.
I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD
WHAT I SAID, POP. I SAID IT'S FREE.
I CAN GO DOWN TO COUNTY HOSPITAL AND
GET SOME BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FREE, BUT...
YOU DON'T SEE ME RUNNIN'
AROUND THERE, DO YOU?
I KNOW WHAT IT IS. WHAT?
YOU SCARED. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
YOU'RE SCARED. YOU'RE
AFRAID TO GO DOWN THERE.
I AIN'T SCARED. WHY ARE YOU SO
ANXIOUS FOR ME TO GET AN X-RAY ANYWAY?
YOU WANT THEM TO FIND SOMETHING
WRONG WITH ME, DON'T YOU?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
- I SAW IT IN ONE OF THEM
MEDICAL SHOWS.
THE KIDS HAD THEIR OLD MAN PUT IN A MENTAL
INSTITUTION, THEN TOOK OVER THE BUSINESS.
EVEN MARCUS WELBY
COULDN'T GET HIM OUT.
POP, I JUST WANT YOU TO GET
THAT COUGH OF YOURS EXAMINED...
BY GETTING AN
X-RAY AND A CHECKUP.
NOW, WE'RE BOTH GONNA GO DOWN
THERE THE FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING,
AND I WANT YOU TO PUT ON
SOME CLEAN UNDERWEAR.
I HAVE TO PUT ON SOME CLEAN
UNDERWEAR? THAT'S RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO PUT ON A CLEAN
UNDERSHIRT AND SOME CLEAN SHORTS.
WHY I GOT TO CHANGE MY DRAWERS?
THEY AIN'T WHERE MY CHEST IS.
WELL, YOU JUST GOING TO DO IT, AND I'M
NOT GONNA EVEN ARGUE WITH YOU NO MORE.
YOU'RE JUST GOIN' DOWN THERE.
WELL I'LL DO IT,
BUT I DON'T NEED IT.
BUT I'LL DO IT FOR YOU IF YOU
DO SOMETHING FOR ME. WHAT?
GO DOWN AND GET ME
A PACK OF CIGARETTES.
GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
WE'RE HERE FOR THE TESTS.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. WHY DON'T
YOU HAVE A SEAT RIGHT HERE,
AND WE'LL FILL OUT THIS FORM.
MAY I HAVE YOUR NAME,
PLEASE? UH, FRED SANFORD.
THAT'S S-A-N-F-O-R-D PERIOD.
AGE? SIXTY.
POP! HE'S SIXTY-FIVE.
JUST SIXTY-FIVE. YOU
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
SIXTY-FIVE. ADDRESS?
9114 SOUTH CENTRAL.
THAT'S LOS ANGELS, ISN'T IT?
WELL, IT SURE
AIN'T BEVERLY HILLS.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD
ANY SERIOUS ILLNESS?
NEVER. I'M IN GREAT SHAPE.
WHAT YOU DOIN' TONIGHT, DARLIN'?
I'M SORRY. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S JUST JOKING. AREN'T YOU?
UH-UH.
STOP IT. ALL RIGHT, MR. SANFORD,
IF YOU'LL JUST TAKE THIS CARD AND GIVE IT
TO THE NURSE THROUGH THERE. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. I'LL WAIT FOR HIM.
NOW, MAY I HAVE
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
SANFORD. LAMONT
SANFORD. AND I DON'T SMOKE.
GOOD. AGE? TWENTY-NINE.
THIRTY-ONE. THIRTY.
WELL, WHICH IS IT? TWENTY-NINE,
THIRTY OR THIRTY-ONE?
I'M 30. GOING ON 31.
WILL YOU JUST STAY OUT OF
THIS? YOU STAY OUT OF MINE.
DO YOU LIVE TOGETHER? [ Both
] IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT THAT.
DO YOU COUGH OR HAVE ANY
WHEEZING NOISES IN YOUR CHEST?
EVER CHANGE JOBS
BECAUSE OF A LUNG PROBLEM?
GOOD. OKAY. WOULD YOU TAKE THIS CARD
AND GIVE IT TO THE NURSE THROUGH THERE.
THANK YOU. COME ON. THANK YOU.
WHAT TIME ARE YOU GETTING
THROUGH HERE TONIGHT, HONEY?
GET AWAY FROM HER.
WHY'D DID YOU HAVE GO AND TELL
HER MY REAL AGE FOR ANYWAY?
I COULD'VE TOOK HER
OUT. SHE'S PRETTY.
NOW SHE'S GOT T.B. WHAT?
TERRIFIC BODY.
YOU'RE A DIRTY OLD
MAN, YOU KNOW THAT?
AND I'M GONNA BE ONE
TILL I'M A DEAD OLD MAN.
AND ANYWAY, SHE'S
CLOSER TO MY AGE.
I COULD HAVE ASKED HER
FOR A DATE. WHO'S NEXT?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER?
LET ME HAVE YOUR CARDS, PLEASE.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
NOW TAKE YOUR
JACKETS OFF, PLEASE.
WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY.
WHAT YOU DOING?
WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE! THESE
WILL SHOW UP ON THE X-RAY MACHINE.
WELL, TELL ME. DON'T BE
SNATCHING ALL OVER MY STUFF.
YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY
SHIRT AND PANTS OFF TOO?
NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT.
AND YOU MADE ME CHANGE
MY DRAWERS, DUMMY.
WOULD YOU GO ON IN
THERE AND FOLLOW HER.
I AIN'T GOING IN THERE.
WOULD YOU GO IN THERE!
I AIN'T GOING IN THERE WITH
THAT OLD, UGLY WHITE WOMAN.
GET IN THERE!
OKAY, EVERYTHING'S
READY. WHO'S FIRST?
ALL RIGHT. RIGHT THIS WAY.
NOW PUT YOUR SHOULDERS
AGAINST THE WALL.
THAT'S RIGHT. TUCK IT IN.
I'LL TUCK IT IN IF
YOU TUCK YOURS IN.
HEY, POP, LOOK AT THIS.
"TUBERCULOSIS AND RESPIRATORY DISEASE
ASSOCIATION OF LOS ANGELES COUNTY."
NOW, THESE ARE THE
RESULTS OF OUR TESTS.
UH-HUH. "FRED
SANFORD." THAT'S YOURS.
I DON'T WANT IT.
YOU OPEN YOURS FIRST.
YOU REALLY ARE A SILLY OLD MAN.
AHA. HERE IT IS. "DEAR SIR,
"WE ARE HAPPY TO INFORM YOU
THAT YOUR RECENT CHEST X-RAY...
IS COMPLETELY CLEAR AND
SHOWS NO ABNORMALITIES."
YOU SEE? NOW OPEN YOURS.
YOU OPEN IT. YOU REALLY
ARE CHICKEN, AREN'T YOU?
DON'T EVEN WANNA OPEN YOUR
OWN MAIL HERE. I'LL OPEN IT.
OKAY. "DEAR SIR..." HERE IT IS.
"YOUR RECENT CHEST X-RAY WAS
UNSATISFACTORY, DUE TO A TECHNICAL FAULT.
"AN APPOINTMENT HAS BEEN MADE FOR
YOU AT THE COUNTY GENERAL HOSPITAL...
FOR A FURTHER X-RAY."
I GOT IT.
I GOT IT!
I GOT IT, AND IT'S
ALL YOUR FAULT!
YOU AND THAT DAMN X-RAY!
I DONE CAUGHT IT. I CAUGHT
IT FROM THE X-RAY MACHINE.
OH, POP, YOU CAN'T GET
T.B. FROM AN X-RAY MACHINE.
AND BESIDES, IT
DON'T SAY YOU GOT IT.
THE TEST WAS UNSATISFACTORY,
DUE TO A TECHNICAL FAULT.
OH, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY. THEY JUST
DON'T WANT TO COME OUT AND TELL YOU.
THEY JUST WANT TO BREAK
IT TO YOU EASY, BUT I GOT IT.
THAT'S FOR SURE. I'M DYING.
- POP!
- I'M DYING! I CAN
FEEL MYSELF GETTING WEAK.
YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?
I'M COMING TO JOIN YOU, HONEY.
POP, WOULD YOU QUIT
THAT! NOW YOU'RE PANICKING.
OH, LAMONT, YOU'RE
LOOKIN' AT A DEAD MAN.
YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT A DEAD MAN,
AND I'M LOOKIN' AT AN ORPHAN.
[ Mumbling ]
NOW, IF YOU HAVE GOT IT,
A COUPLE OF MONTHS IN A
SANITARIUM AND IT'LL FIX YOU RIGHT UP.
LAMONT, DON'T LET THEM
TAKE ME AWAY, HEAR?
I WANT TO DIE IN MY OWN BED. PROMISE
ME YOU WON'T LET THEM TAKE ME.
I DON'T WANNA GO NOWHERE.
WOULD YOU STOP IT?
I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU NO
MORE 'CAUSE YOU'RE TALKIN' FOOLISH.
YOU GOT YOURSELF
ALL DEAD AND BURIED,
AND ALL THE LETTER
SAYS WAS THAT THE TEST
WAS UNSATISFACTORY,
DUE TO A TECHNICAL FAULT.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE
WHAT I'M TELLIN' YOU,
TAKE THE LETTER AND
READ IT FOR YOURSELF.
I NEED MY GLASSES. WELL,
GO GET YOUR GLASSES.
I WON'T NEED MY
GLASSES MUCH LONGER.
NOW, LAMONT, WHEN
THEY LAY ME AWAY,
DON'T LET THEM
PUT MY GLASSES ON.
THAT'S THE WAY THEY
BURIED MY UNCLE HENRY.
HE SURE LOOKED RIDICULOUS,
LAYING THERE IN THE BOX...
WITH HIS GLASSES ON
AND HIS EYES CLOSED.
GET OVER THERE AND
GET THOSE GLASSES.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH YOU. THE TEST WAS
UNSATISFACTORY, DUE
TO A TECHNICAL FAULT.
YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING A
MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL.
THERE'S NOTHIN' WRONG WITH YOU. I'M
NOT GONNA BOTHER WITH YOU NO MORE.
[ Mumbling ] YOU DONE
FORCED IT ON ME.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
SAYS, "FRED, YOU'VE HAD
IT. AND YOU'RE A DEAD MAN."
POP! IT MIGHT AS WELL SAY THAT.
READ THE LETTER. WHEN DOES IT
SAY YOU GOTTA GO TO THE HOSPITAL?
- YOU'RE MAKIN' A BIG DEAL.
- IT SAYS, UH...
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT?
THIS AIN'T MINE. THIS IS YOURS.
SEE HERE? "LAMONT SANFORD."
OH, COME ON. THEY DON'T
MAKE MISTAKES LIKE THAT.
LET ME SEE THIS THING. I'LL
STRAIGHTEN THIS RIGHT OUT.
"LAMONT SANFORD."
[ Coughing ]
I GOT IT, POP.
I GOT T.B.
I GOT IT, POP. I GOT
T.B. I GOT CONSUMPTION.
OH, YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'.
IT DIDN'T SAY YOU HAVE IT.
IT JUST SAYS THAT IT WAS
UNSATISFACTORY, DUE TO TECHNICAL FAULT.
THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY TELL YOU
TO TRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU EASY.
THEY DON'T WANT TO COME OUT
AND TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE DYING.
BUT I'M DYING, POP. OH, YOU
AIN'T DYING. YOU'RE A YOUNG FELLA.
YEAH, BUT LISTEN.
I-I GOT THIS COUGH.
[ Coughing ]
COUGH OVER THAT WAY.
AND-AND I'VE BEEN TIRED
LATELY AND OUT OF BREATH.
- WELL, YOU GOT GIVE THEM UP.
- I DON'T SMOKE.
I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT CIGARETTES.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT WOMEN.
THAT'S NOT IT. I
KNOW WHAT IT IS.
YOU DIDN'T TAKE CARE
OF ME WHEN I WAS A KID.
YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ENOUGH MILK. WHEN I
WAS FIVE YEARS OLD, YOU GAVE ME COFFEE.
WELL, IT HAD MILK IN IT.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
THIS HOUSE WAS ALWAYS
DAMP. EVEN MY BED WAS DAMP.
NOW, YOU CAN'T BLAME THAT ON ME.
SAY, POP, I'M SCARED.
I'M REALLY SCARED.
[ Coughing ] WELL,
DON'T COME NEAR ME!
DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH THAT
STUFF! THAT'S STUFF IS CATCHIN'.
BUT I'M YOUR SON. YOUR
OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU
ARE. DON'T COUGH ON ME.
THEY DON'T NEED THE
BOTH OF US HAVING IT.
I MAY HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE TRYING
TO RUN THIS PLACE ALONE ANYWAY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
I'M GONNA DO IT.
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING
TO HAPPEN TO A GUY MY AGE.
YOU? WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M THE ONE WHO'S SICK.
BUT I'M THE ONE WHO'LL
HAVE TO BE HERE ALL ALONE.
AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' IN THE
WORLD SADDER THAN AN OLD BLACK MAN...
SITTIN' IN A JUNKYARD
ALONE WITH NO CIGARETTES.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, POP.
HERE I AM SICK, DYING WITH T.B.,
AND ALL YOU CAN THINK
ABOUT IS YOURSELF.
YOU'RE A COLD,
HEARTLESS OLD MAN.
WHERE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING BACK TO BED.
YOU JUST GOT UP.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT...
I FEEL KINDA TIRED.
I GOT TO GET ALL THE REST I
CAN, POP, NOW THAT I'M SICK.
YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD
IDEA. GET YOU SOME REST.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING...
IF GOD'S WILLIN'.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, SON. AIN'T NOTHING
WRONG WITH YOU. YOU AIN'T GOT IT.
YOU THINK SO, HUH? SURE.
BUT IF YOU HAVE GOT IT, YOU
GOT IT FROM THAT DAMN X-RAY.
[ Grumbling ]
[ Coughing ]
WOULD YOU TAKE THAT
THING OFF. [ Mumbling ]
TAKE OFF THAT STUPID MASK!
WELL, I'M JUST TRYING
TO PROTECT MYSELF.
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
SAY, WHAT IS THIS? WHAT'S WHAT?
THIS TAPE ON THE
KNIFE AND THE FORK.
OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET 'EM MIXED
UP, SO I LABELED ALL YOUR STUFF.
ALL THE STUFF YOU USE
HAS GOT A LABEL ON IT.
SEE, I PUT LABELS
ON EVERYTHING, SEE.
"F" IS FOR FRED, AND
YOURS IS MARKED "C".
"C"? YEAH. "CONTAMINATED."
YOU WANT ME TO GO SLEEP IN THE
YARD IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK?
I DON'T THINK WE HAVE A CORD LONG
ENOUGH FOR THE HEATER SO THAT YOU...
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO ME? YOU KNOW I'M SICK,
AND YOU COME OUT WITH A SURGICAL
MASK AND PUT TAPE ON THE KNIFE AND FORK!
DON'T GET EXCITED. YOU
SAID YOU NEEDED YOUR REST.
NOW STOP GETTING EXCITED
AND SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
GEE WHIZ. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO TIRE MYSELF OUT.
HEY, POP. HMM?
DO MY CHEEKS LOOK FLUSHED? HUH?
DO MY CHEEKS LOOK FLUSHED?
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
YOU KNOW YOU GOT
YOUR MOTHER'S SKIN.
BUT YOU LOOK ALL RIGHT TO ME.
AIN'T YOU GONNA GET DRESSED
AND GO ON OUT TO WORK?
GO TO WORK? POP, I GOT T.B.
I CAN'T GO TO WORK. I'M SICK.
WELL, I THOUGHT THE FRESH
AIR MIGHT DO YOU SOME GOOD.
YOU THOUGHT YOU'D GET ME OUT OF HERE
SO YOU CAN HAVE THIS HOUSE FUMIGATED.
HOW MUCH DO THEY CHARGE?
WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO WORK...
'CAUSE I GOTTA GO DOWN TO THE
HOSPITAL TO GET MY NEW X-RAYS.
WANT TO GET THIS
HOUSE FUMIGATED.
GO TO WORK AND
I'M SICK WITH T.B.
SAY, POP? HMM?
WOULD YOU PUT THIS
IN THE SAFE FOR ME?
WHAT IS IT? IT'S MY WILL.
WHAT'D YOU GO AND
HAVE A WILL MADE FOR?
YOU SAID YOURSELF, THEY COULD
KILL THAT STUFF IN A FEW DAYS NOW.
REAL FAST. YEAH.
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW. YEAH, OKAY.
WELL, I GOT TO BE GOING. I GOT
TO BE AT THE HOSPITAL IN AN HOUR.
I GOT MY SHAVING STUFF
AND MY PAJAMAS IN HERE.
I SUPPOSE THEY'LL TAKE
ME RIGHT TO THE SANITARIUM.
SO LONG, POP.
WELL, SO LONG, SON.
AND I'LL COME TO VISIT
YOU, IF IT AIN'T TOO FAR.
THAT'D BE REAL NICE, POP.
[ Coughing ]
WELL, ADIOS, OLD FELLOW.
SO LONG, POP.
SO LONG, SON.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, HEAR?
"LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT."
"DEAR POP, BY THE TIME YOU
READ THIS, I MIGHT BE DEAD,
"UNLESS YOU CAN'T WAIT AND
YOU WENT AND OPENED IT ALREADY.
"I LEAVE ALL MY
WORLDLY GOODS TO YOU.
"THIS INCLUDES MY
SAVING ACCOUNT...
"AND THE CENTRAL AVENUE
BANK CHRISTMAS CLUB...
"AND MY HALF OF SANFORD AND SON,
"HEREINAFTER REFERRED
TO AS THE BUSINESS.
I FURTHER LEAVE
YOU, PERSONALLY..."
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIPS.
- LAMONT!
- COULDN'T WAIT, COULD YOU?
JUST FOR THAT, YOU'RE
NOT GETTING NOTHING.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU WAS IN THE
HOSPITAL. YEAH, I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
BUT THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH ME. I'M FINE.
YOU MEAN YOUR X-RAY TURNED
OUT ALL RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT.
AND IT WOULD'VE BEEN
ALL RIGHT THE FIRST
TIME IF I REMEMBERED
TO TAKE THIS THING OFF.
WHAT IS THAT? THE ST.
CHRISTOPHER MEDAL YOU GAVE ME.
I'VE BEEN WEARING IT SO
LONG, I FORGOT I HAD IT ON.
WELL, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE MAIN THING. YEAH.
WELCOME HOME, SON. SOME WELCOME.
I COME HOME AND FIND
YOU READIN' MY WILL.
POP, YOU WASN'T SUPPOSED TO
READ THIS TILL AFTER I WAS DEAD.
I KNEW YOU WASN'T GONNA DIE.
THE MINUTE YOU LEFT, I
WAS STARTIN' TO MISS YOU.
BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE HOME.
YOU WANT ME TO FIX
YOU SOME LUNCH, SON?
NO. I'M BUSHED. I DIDN'T GET NO SLEEP LAST
NIGHT, WORRYING ABOUT THEM DUMB X-RAYS.
I'M GOING BACK TO BED.
UH, LAMONT. WHAT?
YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO BED. WHY?
UH, I BURNED YOUR PAJAMAS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I GOT
ANOTHER PAIR IN THE BAG.
AND I BURNED YOUR
SHEETS AND PILLOWCASES.
YOU BURNED MY SHEETS
AND PILLOWCASES?
WHY'D DIDN'T YOU
JUST BURN THE ROOM?
I DIDN'T BURN YOUR ROOM,
BUT I BURNED YOUR BED.
YOU BURNED MY BED?
YEAH, I BURNED YOUR BED. WHY?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOUR
BED MIGHT BE CONTAMINATED.
OPEN THIS DOOR, YOU OLD BUZZARD!
OPEN THIS... I'LL
GET YOU FOR THIS!
I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR THIS!
COME ON IN, SON.
WATCH THAT STATUE THERE.
COST ME A LOT OF MONEY.
COME ON IN. YEAH,
PUT IT RIGHT OVER HERE.
LEAN IT AGAINST THE CHAIR HERE.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. PULL IT RIGHT ON
OVER THERE. DON'T TRIP THE RUG UP.
BOY, I'M TIRED. WHY
DON'T WE REST A MINUTE?
"THIS TAG IS NOT TO BE
REMOVED UNDER PENALTY OF LAW."
THEY GET YOU ANYWHERE
YOU GO NOW, DON'T THEY?
WELL, POWER TO THE PEOPLE.
[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[ Honking Continues ]
[ Coughing ]
SMOKING LESS, BUT
ENJOYING IT MORE.
HEY, POP. LAMONT,
YOU BRING CIGARETTES?
- BRING ANY WHAT?
- DID YOU BRING CIGARETTES?
THE SMOKES. DID YOU BRING 'EM?
DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF JUST NOW?
YEAH. I SAID DID YOU BRING THE CIGARETTES?
NO, I DON'T MEAN THAT. I MEAN
DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF COUGHING.
I HEARD YOU A BLOCK AWAY. IT SOUNDED
LIKE THEY WAS TEARING UP THE STREETS.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW IF I BROUGHT
YOU SOME CIGARETTES. WELL, DID YOU?
DID YOU BRING THEM? I TOLD YOU THIS MORNING
WHEN YOU LEFT TO BRING ME CIGARETTES.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU DID, POP.
BUT LISTEN, I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
NOW, ON THE WAY HOME, I PASSED
SOMETHING THEY CALL A BREATHMOBILE.
YOU KNOW WHAT A BREATHMOBILE IS?
YEAH, THAT'S SOMETHING YOU SPRAY IN YOUR
MOUTH SO YOUR FRIENDS DON'T TURN AWAY.
NO, IT'S A MOBILE UNIT FOR TAKING
CHEST X-RAYS AND BREATHING TESTS.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH ME? EVERYTHING, POP.
NOW, YOU GOT TO GIVE THEM UP.
YOU GOT TO GIVE UP CIGARETTES.
FOR WHAT? 'CAUSE THEY'RE
KILLING YOU, THAT'S FOR WHAT.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN SMOKING ANYWAY?
LET'S SEE. I STARTED
AFTER I LEFT SCHOOL.
I-I WAS TEN.
TEN? THAT MEANS YOU'VE BEEN
SMOKING FOR FIFTY-FIVE YEARS.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
SMOKING THAT IS?
LET ME SEE IF I CAN
FIGURE THIS THING OUT.
TEN. LET ME SEE.
NOW, A CIGARETTE IS THREE
INCHES LONG. [ Clears Throat ]
NOW, A PACK OF 20 CIGARETTES
IS 60 INCHES OR 5 FEET.
NOW, HOW MANY DO YOU
SMOKE A DAY? TWO PACKS.
TWO PACKS? POP,
THAT'S 40 CIGARETTES.
LET ME SEE, THAT'S...
THAT'S ABOUT TEN FEET OF
CIGARETTES MULTIPLIED BY ONE YEAR,
THAT'S 3,650 FEET
OF CIGARETTE A YEAR.
- SO WHAT?
- THREE QUARTERS OF A MILE...
EVERY YEAR FOR 55 YEARS.
POP, SINCE YOU WAS TEN, YOU
SMOKED A CIGARETTE 41 MILES LONG.
THAT'S REAL SUPER
KING-SIZED, AIN'T IT?
FORTY-ONE MILES. YOU KNOW...
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE, POP?
THAT'S LIKE YOU SMOKED A CIGARETTE
FROM... FROM HERE TO DISNEYLAND.
HEY, POP, DO YOURSELF
A FAVOR. GIVE 'EM UP.
GIVE 'EM UP? I ENJOY
SMOKING. [ Coughing ]
SAY, POP, CIGARETTES WILL
KILL YOU. DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?
I BELIEVE YOU. KILLED A FRIEND OF
MINE IN DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA.
YOU SEE THAT?
GOT KILLED BY A TOBACCO TRUCK.
TRUCK RAN OVER
HIS NICE CLEAN LUNG.
I WAS SMOKIN' AT HIS
FUNERAL, TRYING TO RELAX.
I WANT YOU TO GET A CHEST X-RAY
AND A CHECKUP. NOW, IT'S FREE.
I AIN'T GOING.
I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD
WHAT I SAID, POP. I SAID IT'S FREE.
I CAN GO DOWN TO COUNTY HOSPITAL AND
GET SOME BIRTH CONTROL PILLS FREE, BUT...
YOU DON'T SEE ME RUNNIN'
AROUND THERE, DO YOU?
I KNOW WHAT IT IS. WHAT?
YOU SCARED. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
YOU'RE SCARED. YOU'RE
AFRAID TO GO DOWN THERE.
I AIN'T SCARED. WHY ARE YOU SO
ANXIOUS FOR ME TO GET AN X-RAY ANYWAY?
YOU WANT THEM TO FIND SOMETHING
WRONG WITH ME, DON'T YOU?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
- I SAW IT IN ONE OF THEM
MEDICAL SHOWS.
THE KIDS HAD THEIR OLD MAN PUT IN A MENTAL
INSTITUTION, THEN TOOK OVER THE BUSINESS.
EVEN MARCUS WELBY
COULDN'T GET HIM OUT.
POP, I JUST WANT YOU TO GET
THAT COUGH OF YOURS EXAMINED...
BY GETTING AN
X-RAY AND A CHECKUP.
NOW, WE'RE BOTH GONNA GO DOWN
THERE THE FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING,
AND I WANT YOU TO PUT ON
SOME CLEAN UNDERWEAR.
I HAVE TO PUT ON SOME CLEAN
UNDERWEAR? THAT'S RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO PUT ON A CLEAN
UNDERSHIRT AND SOME CLEAN SHORTS.
WHY I GOT TO CHANGE MY DRAWERS?
THEY AIN'T WHERE MY CHEST IS.
WELL, YOU JUST GOING TO DO IT, AND I'M
NOT GONNA EVEN ARGUE WITH YOU NO MORE.
YOU'RE JUST GOIN' DOWN THERE.
WELL I'LL DO IT,
BUT I DON'T NEED IT.
BUT I'LL DO IT FOR YOU IF YOU
DO SOMETHING FOR ME. WHAT?
GO DOWN AND GET ME
A PACK OF CIGARETTES.
GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
WE'RE HERE FOR THE TESTS.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. WHY DON'T
YOU HAVE A SEAT RIGHT HERE,
AND WE'LL FILL OUT THIS FORM.
MAY I HAVE YOUR NAME,
PLEASE? UH, FRED SANFORD.
THAT'S S-A-N-F-O-R-D PERIOD.
AGE? SIXTY.
POP! HE'S SIXTY-FIVE.
JUST SIXTY-FIVE. YOU
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
SIXTY-FIVE. ADDRESS?
9114 SOUTH CENTRAL.
THAT'S LOS ANGELS, ISN'T IT?
WELL, IT SURE
AIN'T BEVERLY HILLS.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD
ANY SERIOUS ILLNESS?
NEVER. I'M IN GREAT SHAPE.
WHAT YOU DOIN' TONIGHT, DARLIN'?
I'M SORRY. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S JUST JOKING. AREN'T YOU?
UH-UH.
STOP IT. ALL RIGHT, MR. SANFORD,
IF YOU'LL JUST TAKE THIS CARD AND GIVE IT
TO THE NURSE THROUGH THERE. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. I'LL WAIT FOR HIM.
NOW, MAY I HAVE
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
SANFORD. LAMONT
SANFORD. AND I DON'T SMOKE.
GOOD. AGE? TWENTY-NINE.
THIRTY-ONE. THIRTY.
WELL, WHICH IS IT? TWENTY-NINE,
THIRTY OR THIRTY-ONE?
I'M 30. GOING ON 31.
WILL YOU JUST STAY OUT OF
THIS? YOU STAY OUT OF MINE.
DO YOU LIVE TOGETHER? [ Both
] IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT THAT.
DO YOU COUGH OR HAVE ANY
WHEEZING NOISES IN YOUR CHEST?
EVER CHANGE JOBS
BECAUSE OF A LUNG PROBLEM?
GOOD. OKAY. WOULD YOU TAKE THIS CARD
AND GIVE IT TO THE NURSE THROUGH THERE.
THANK YOU. COME ON. THANK YOU.
WHAT TIME ARE YOU GETTING
THROUGH HERE TONIGHT, HONEY?
GET AWAY FROM HER.
WHY'D DID YOU HAVE GO AND TELL
HER MY REAL AGE FOR ANYWAY?
I COULD'VE TOOK HER
OUT. SHE'S PRETTY.
NOW SHE'S GOT T.B. WHAT?
TERRIFIC BODY.
YOU'RE A DIRTY OLD
MAN, YOU KNOW THAT?
AND I'M GONNA BE ONE
TILL I'M A DEAD OLD MAN.
AND ANYWAY, SHE'S
CLOSER TO MY AGE.
I COULD HAVE ASKED HER
FOR A DATE. WHO'S NEXT?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER?
LET ME HAVE YOUR CARDS, PLEASE.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
NOW TAKE YOUR
JACKETS OFF, PLEASE.
WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY.
WHAT YOU DOING?
WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE! THESE
WILL SHOW UP ON THE X-RAY MACHINE.
WELL, TELL ME. DON'T BE
SNATCHING ALL OVER MY STUFF.
YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY
SHIRT AND PANTS OFF TOO?
NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT.
AND YOU MADE ME CHANGE
MY DRAWERS, DUMMY.
WOULD YOU GO ON IN
THERE AND FOLLOW HER.
I AIN'T GOING IN THERE.
WOULD YOU GO IN THERE!
I AIN'T GOING IN THERE WITH
THAT OLD, UGLY WHITE WOMAN.
GET IN THERE!
OKAY, EVERYTHING'S
READY. WHO'S FIRST?
ALL RIGHT. RIGHT THIS WAY.
NOW PUT YOUR SHOULDERS
AGAINST THE WALL.
THAT'S RIGHT. TUCK IT IN.
I'LL TUCK IT IN IF
YOU TUCK YOURS IN.
HEY, POP, LOOK AT THIS.
"TUBERCULOSIS AND RESPIRATORY DISEASE
ASSOCIATION OF LOS ANGELES COUNTY."
NOW, THESE ARE THE
RESULTS OF OUR TESTS.
UH-HUH. "FRED
SANFORD." THAT'S YOURS.
I DON'T WANT IT.
YOU OPEN YOURS FIRST.
YOU REALLY ARE A SILLY OLD MAN.
AHA. HERE IT IS. "DEAR SIR,
"WE ARE HAPPY TO INFORM YOU
THAT YOUR RECENT CHEST X-RAY...
IS COMPLETELY CLEAR AND
SHOWS NO ABNORMALITIES."
YOU SEE? NOW OPEN YOURS.
YOU OPEN IT. YOU REALLY
ARE CHICKEN, AREN'T YOU?
DON'T EVEN WANNA OPEN YOUR
OWN MAIL HERE. I'LL OPEN IT.
OKAY. "DEAR SIR..." HERE IT IS.
"YOUR RECENT CHEST X-RAY WAS
UNSATISFACTORY, DUE TO A TECHNICAL FAULT.
"AN APPOINTMENT HAS BEEN MADE FOR
YOU AT THE COUNTY GENERAL HOSPITAL...
FOR A FURTHER X-RAY."
I GOT IT.
I GOT IT!
I GOT IT, AND IT'S
ALL YOUR FAULT!
YOU AND THAT DAMN X-RAY!
I DONE CAUGHT IT. I CAUGHT
IT FROM THE X-RAY MACHINE.
OH, POP, YOU CAN'T GET
T.B. FROM AN X-RAY MACHINE.
AND BESIDES, IT
DON'T SAY YOU GOT IT.
THE TEST WAS UNSATISFACTORY,
DUE TO A TECHNICAL FAULT.
OH, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY. THEY JUST
DON'T WANT TO COME OUT AND TELL YOU.
THEY JUST WANT TO BREAK
IT TO YOU EASY, BUT I GOT IT.
THAT'S FOR SURE. I'M DYING.
- POP!
- I'M DYING! I CAN
FEEL MYSELF GETTING WEAK.
YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?
I'M COMING TO JOIN YOU, HONEY.
POP, WOULD YOU QUIT
THAT! NOW YOU'RE PANICKING.
OH, LAMONT, YOU'RE
LOOKIN' AT A DEAD MAN.
YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT A DEAD MAN,
AND I'M LOOKIN' AT AN ORPHAN.
[ Mumbling ]
NOW, IF YOU HAVE GOT IT,
A COUPLE OF MONTHS IN A
SANITARIUM AND IT'LL FIX YOU RIGHT UP.
LAMONT, DON'T LET THEM
TAKE ME AWAY, HEAR?
I WANT TO DIE IN MY OWN BED. PROMISE
ME YOU WON'T LET THEM TAKE ME.
I DON'T WANNA GO NOWHERE.
WOULD YOU STOP IT?
I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU NO
MORE 'CAUSE YOU'RE TALKIN' FOOLISH.
YOU GOT YOURSELF
ALL DEAD AND BURIED,
AND ALL THE LETTER
SAYS WAS THAT THE TEST
WAS UNSATISFACTORY,
DUE TO A TECHNICAL FAULT.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE
WHAT I'M TELLIN' YOU,
TAKE THE LETTER AND
READ IT FOR YOURSELF.
I NEED MY GLASSES. WELL,
GO GET YOUR GLASSES.
I WON'T NEED MY
GLASSES MUCH LONGER.
NOW, LAMONT, WHEN
THEY LAY ME AWAY,
DON'T LET THEM
PUT MY GLASSES ON.
THAT'S THE WAY THEY
BURIED MY UNCLE HENRY.
HE SURE LOOKED RIDICULOUS,
LAYING THERE IN THE BOX...
WITH HIS GLASSES ON
AND HIS EYES CLOSED.
GET OVER THERE AND
GET THOSE GLASSES.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH YOU. THE TEST WAS
UNSATISFACTORY, DUE
TO A TECHNICAL FAULT.
YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING A
MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL.
THERE'S NOTHIN' WRONG WITH YOU. I'M
NOT GONNA BOTHER WITH YOU NO MORE.
[ Mumbling ] YOU DONE
FORCED IT ON ME.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
SAYS, "FRED, YOU'VE HAD
IT. AND YOU'RE A DEAD MAN."
POP! IT MIGHT AS WELL SAY THAT.
READ THE LETTER. WHEN DOES IT
SAY YOU GOTTA GO TO THE HOSPITAL?
- YOU'RE MAKIN' A BIG DEAL.
- IT SAYS, UH...
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT?
THIS AIN'T MINE. THIS IS YOURS.
SEE HERE? "LAMONT SANFORD."
OH, COME ON. THEY DON'T
MAKE MISTAKES LIKE THAT.
LET ME SEE THIS THING. I'LL
STRAIGHTEN THIS RIGHT OUT.
"LAMONT SANFORD."
[ Coughing ]
I GOT IT, POP.
I GOT T.B.
I GOT IT, POP. I GOT
T.B. I GOT CONSUMPTION.
OH, YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'.
IT DIDN'T SAY YOU HAVE IT.
IT JUST SAYS THAT IT WAS
UNSATISFACTORY, DUE TO TECHNICAL FAULT.
THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY TELL YOU
TO TRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU EASY.
THEY DON'T WANT TO COME OUT
AND TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE DYING.
BUT I'M DYING, POP. OH, YOU
AIN'T DYING. YOU'RE A YOUNG FELLA.
YEAH, BUT LISTEN.
I-I GOT THIS COUGH.
[ Coughing ]
COUGH OVER THAT WAY.
AND-AND I'VE BEEN TIRED
LATELY AND OUT OF BREATH.
- WELL, YOU GOT GIVE THEM UP.
- I DON'T SMOKE.
I'M NOT TAKING ABOUT CIGARETTES.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT WOMEN.
THAT'S NOT IT. I
KNOW WHAT IT IS.
YOU DIDN'T TAKE CARE
OF ME WHEN I WAS A KID.
YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ENOUGH MILK. WHEN I
WAS FIVE YEARS OLD, YOU GAVE ME COFFEE.
WELL, IT HAD MILK IN IT.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
THIS HOUSE WAS ALWAYS
DAMP. EVEN MY BED WAS DAMP.
NOW, YOU CAN'T BLAME THAT ON ME.
SAY, POP, I'M SCARED.
I'M REALLY SCARED.
[ Coughing ] WELL,
DON'T COME NEAR ME!
DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH THAT
STUFF! THAT'S STUFF IS CATCHIN'.
BUT I'M YOUR SON. YOUR
OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU
ARE. DON'T COUGH ON ME.
THEY DON'T NEED THE
BOTH OF US HAVING IT.
I MAY HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE TRYING
TO RUN THIS PLACE ALONE ANYWAY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
I'M GONNA DO IT.
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING
TO HAPPEN TO A GUY MY AGE.
YOU? WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M THE ONE WHO'S SICK.
BUT I'M THE ONE WHO'LL
HAVE TO BE HERE ALL ALONE.
AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' IN THE
WORLD SADDER THAN AN OLD BLACK MAN...
SITTIN' IN A JUNKYARD
ALONE WITH NO CIGARETTES.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, POP.
HERE I AM SICK, DYING WITH T.B.,
AND ALL YOU CAN THINK
ABOUT IS YOURSELF.
YOU'RE A COLD,
HEARTLESS OLD MAN.
WHERE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING BACK TO BED.
YOU JUST GOT UP.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT...
I FEEL KINDA TIRED.
I GOT TO GET ALL THE REST I
CAN, POP, NOW THAT I'M SICK.
YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD
IDEA. GET YOU SOME REST.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING...
IF GOD'S WILLIN'.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, SON. AIN'T NOTHING
WRONG WITH YOU. YOU AIN'T GOT IT.
YOU THINK SO, HUH? SURE.
BUT IF YOU HAVE GOT IT, YOU
GOT IT FROM THAT DAMN X-RAY.
[ Grumbling ]
[ Coughing ]
WOULD YOU TAKE THAT
THING OFF. [ Mumbling ]
TAKE OFF THAT STUPID MASK!
WELL, I'M JUST TRYING
TO PROTECT MYSELF.
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
SAY, WHAT IS THIS? WHAT'S WHAT?
THIS TAPE ON THE
KNIFE AND THE FORK.
OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO GET 'EM MIXED
UP, SO I LABELED ALL YOUR STUFF.
ALL THE STUFF YOU USE
HAS GOT A LABEL ON IT.
SEE, I PUT LABELS
ON EVERYTHING, SEE.
"F" IS FOR FRED, AND
YOURS IS MARKED "C".
"C"? YEAH. "CONTAMINATED."
YOU WANT ME TO GO SLEEP IN THE
YARD IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK?
I DON'T THINK WE HAVE A CORD LONG
ENOUGH FOR THE HEATER SO THAT YOU...
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO DO ME? YOU KNOW I'M SICK,
AND YOU COME OUT WITH A SURGICAL
MASK AND PUT TAPE ON THE KNIFE AND FORK!
DON'T GET EXCITED. YOU
SAID YOU NEEDED YOUR REST.
NOW STOP GETTING EXCITED
AND SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
GEE WHIZ. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO TIRE MYSELF OUT.
HEY, POP. HMM?
DO MY CHEEKS LOOK FLUSHED? HUH?
DO MY CHEEKS LOOK FLUSHED?
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
YOU KNOW YOU GOT
YOUR MOTHER'S SKIN.
BUT YOU LOOK ALL RIGHT TO ME.
AIN'T YOU GONNA GET DRESSED
AND GO ON OUT TO WORK?
GO TO WORK? POP, I GOT T.B.
I CAN'T GO TO WORK. I'M SICK.
WELL, I THOUGHT THE FRESH
AIR MIGHT DO YOU SOME GOOD.
YOU THOUGHT YOU'D GET ME OUT OF HERE
SO YOU CAN HAVE THIS HOUSE FUMIGATED.
HOW MUCH DO THEY CHARGE?
WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO WORK...
'CAUSE I GOTTA GO DOWN TO THE
HOSPITAL TO GET MY NEW X-RAYS.
WANT TO GET THIS
HOUSE FUMIGATED.
GO TO WORK AND
I'M SICK WITH T.B.
SAY, POP? HMM?
WOULD YOU PUT THIS
IN THE SAFE FOR ME?
WHAT IS IT? IT'S MY WILL.
WHAT'D YOU GO AND
HAVE A WILL MADE FOR?
YOU SAID YOURSELF, THEY COULD
KILL THAT STUFF IN A FEW DAYS NOW.
REAL FAST. YEAH.
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW. YEAH, OKAY.
WELL, I GOT TO BE GOING. I GOT
TO BE AT THE HOSPITAL IN AN HOUR.
I GOT MY SHAVING STUFF
AND MY PAJAMAS IN HERE.
I SUPPOSE THEY'LL TAKE
ME RIGHT TO THE SANITARIUM.
SO LONG, POP.
WELL, SO LONG, SON.
AND I'LL COME TO VISIT
YOU, IF IT AIN'T TOO FAR.
THAT'D BE REAL NICE, POP.
[ Coughing ]
WELL, ADIOS, OLD FELLOW.
SO LONG, POP.
SO LONG, SON.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, HEAR?
"LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT."
"DEAR POP, BY THE TIME YOU
READ THIS, I MIGHT BE DEAD,
"UNLESS YOU CAN'T WAIT AND
YOU WENT AND OPENED IT ALREADY.
"I LEAVE ALL MY
WORLDLY GOODS TO YOU.
"THIS INCLUDES MY
SAVING ACCOUNT...
"AND THE CENTRAL AVENUE
BANK CHRISTMAS CLUB...
"AND MY HALF OF SANFORD AND SON,
"HEREINAFTER REFERRED
TO AS THE BUSINESS.
I FURTHER LEAVE
YOU, PERSONALLY..."
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIPS.
- LAMONT!
- COULDN'T WAIT, COULD YOU?
JUST FOR THAT, YOU'RE
NOT GETTING NOTHING.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU WAS IN THE
HOSPITAL. YEAH, I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
BUT THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH ME. I'M FINE.
YOU MEAN YOUR X-RAY TURNED
OUT ALL RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT.
AND IT WOULD'VE BEEN
ALL RIGHT THE FIRST
TIME IF I REMEMBERED
TO TAKE THIS THING OFF.
WHAT IS THAT? THE ST.
CHRISTOPHER MEDAL YOU GAVE ME.
I'VE BEEN WEARING IT SO
LONG, I FORGOT I HAD IT ON.
WELL, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE MAIN THING. YEAH.
WELCOME HOME, SON. SOME WELCOME.
I COME HOME AND FIND
YOU READIN' MY WILL.
POP, YOU WASN'T SUPPOSED TO
READ THIS TILL AFTER I WAS DEAD.
I KNEW YOU WASN'T GONNA DIE.
THE MINUTE YOU LEFT, I
WAS STARTIN' TO MISS YOU.
BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE HOME.
YOU WANT ME TO FIX
YOU SOME LUNCH, SON?
NO. I'M BUSHED. I DIDN'T GET NO SLEEP LAST
NIGHT, WORRYING ABOUT THEM DUMB X-RAYS.
I'M GOING BACK TO BED.
UH, LAMONT. WHAT?
YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO BED. WHY?
UH, I BURNED YOUR PAJAMAS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I GOT
ANOTHER PAIR IN THE BAG.
AND I BURNED YOUR
SHEETS AND PILLOWCASES.
YOU BURNED MY SHEETS
AND PILLOWCASES?
WHY'D DIDN'T YOU
JUST BURN THE ROOM?
I DIDN'T BURN YOUR ROOM,
BUT I BURNED YOUR BED.
YOU BURNED MY BED?
YEAH, I BURNED YOUR BED. WHY?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOUR
BED MIGHT BE CONTAMINATED.
OPEN THIS DOOR, YOU OLD BUZZARD!
OPEN THIS... I'LL
GET YOU FOR THIS!
I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR THIS!
COME ON IN, SON.
WATCH THAT STATUE THERE.
COST ME A LOT OF MONEY.
COME ON IN. YEAH,
PUT IT RIGHT OVER HERE.
LEAN IT AGAINST THE CHAIR HERE.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. PULL IT RIGHT ON
OVER THERE. DON'T TRIP THE RUG UP.
BOY, I'M TIRED. WHY
DON'T WE REST A MINUTE?
"THIS TAG IS NOT TO BE
REMOVED UNDER PENALTY OF LAW."
THEY GET YOU ANYWHERE
YOU GO NOW, DON'T THEY?
WELL, POWER TO THE PEOPLE.
[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.