Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 6 - We Were Robbed - full transcript
Fred is sweeping the floor when he accidentally elbows Lamont's valuable glass and porcelain collection. He sweeps the broken pieces into a dustpan and hides it in the refrigerator out in the yard, then knocks over some things in the house to make it look like a robbery had occurred. Lamont reports the "robbery" and Fred receives a commendation. While he is away, Lamont discovers the dustpan in the fridge and fakes a robbery himself, claiming that the crooks broke into his piggy bank and stole his money. He reveals the ruse, which forces Fred to confess to what he did.
♪♪ [ Humming ]
♪ UP A LAZY RIVER ♪
♪ BY THE OLD MILL RUN ♪
♪ LAZY, LAZY RIVER ♪
♪♪ [ Humming ]
♪ LINGER IN THE SHADE OF A ♪
♪ KIND OLD TREE ♪
♪ THROW AWAY YOUR TROUBLES ♪
KINDA COLD IN HERE.
"CONTENTS.
FOUR-FIFTHS OF A QUART."
NOT ANYMORE.
GIN.
BRANDY AND GIN.
THAT AIN'T NO SIN.
♪♪ [ Humming ]
♪♪ [ Continues Humming ]
"FRAGILE AND VALUABLE. KEEP OUT.
"OVER.
THIS MEANS YOU, POP."
[ Mumbling ]
♪ UP A LAZY RIVER ♪
♪ BY THE OLD MILL RUN ♪
♪ LAZY, LAZY RIVER ♪♪
GEE WHIZ! THIS IS ALL
LAMONT'S VALUABLE STUFF.
PORCELAIN. OH,
HE'S GONNA KILL ME.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, LAMONT.
HONEST. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT
HAPPEN WHEN YOU GOT ARTHRITIS.
HONEST. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU, SON?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
YOU... YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.
NO, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE A
ROBBERY? YEAH, YEAH.
HE'LL BELIEVE A ROBBERY.
I KNOW HE'LL BELIEVE A ROBBERY.
SOMETHING LIKE
THIS HAPPENED TO ME.
[ Engine Revving ]
HEY, POP, I'M HOME.
SAY, POP, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN IT. I
WAS COMING ACROSS THE STREET, AND I...
SAY, POP! POP! WHAT HAPPENED?
WHO IS IT? HELP! POLICE!
TAKE IT EASY, POP! IT'S
ME, LAMONT! IT'S ME, POP!
LAMONT, IS THAT YOU?
YEAH! WHAT HAPPENED, POP?
THE ROOM'S SPINNIN' AROUND.
I'M SO DIZZY. TAKE IT EASY, POP.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE
I'M GOIN'. OVER HERE, POP.
IS THAT YOU, LAMONT?
YEAH, OVER HERE.
COME OVER HERE ON THE
SOFA. STRETCH OUT, POP.
JUST TAKE IT EASY.
EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, JUST
RELAX, POP. OH, SON.
- YOU WANT A SHOT OF SOMETHING?
- THAT'LL BE NICE.
A LITTLE BRANDY WILL BE
JUST THE THING FOR YOU.
SAY, THE BRANDY'S GONE.
THEY TOOK EVERYTHING.
JUST RELAX, POP.
EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT.
JUST TAKE IT EASY.
HERE. NOW, DRINK THIS, POP,
AND TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
WE WERE ROBBED. ROBBED.
SEE, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN,
FIXIN' YOUR SUPPER.
I WAS FIXIN' SOME SPARE
RIBS AND PINTO BEANS.
AND I HEARD THIS NOISE, SO I
CAME OUT, AND THEY JUMPED ME.
I DID THE BEST I COULD, LAMONT.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT WAS HARD FOR ME
TO MAKE A FIST WITH THIS ARTHRITIS.
AND... AND THEY JUST... THEY
ROBBED US. WE WERE ROBBED.
OHH! MY COLLECTION!
MY PORCELAIN AND GLASS
COLLECTION! THEY TOOK IT!
YEAH, I TRIED TO STOP 'EM. I
SAID, "HEY, DON'T TAKE THAT!
"THAT'S MY SON'S PORCELAIN
AND GLASS COLLECTION.
IT'S FRAGILE AND VALUABLE."
WHAT'D YOU HAVE TO TELL 'EM THAT
FOR? I DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT.
YOU HAD A SIGN IN THERE
SAYIN' "FRAGILE AND VALUABLE."
ONE OF THE GUYS READ IT.
HE SAID, "OH, LET'S TAKE THIS
FRAGILE AND VALUABLE COLLECTION."
I TRIED TO STOP 'EM,
BUT THEY TOOK IT.
SAY, POP, WASN'T THERE SOMETHING
YOU COULD'VE DONE? I MEAN...
COULDN'T YOU HAVE DONE
SOMETHING, POP? WHAT COULD I DO?
THERE WAS FOUR OF THEM. FOUR WHITE
MEN WITH STOCKINGS OVER THEIR HEADS.
THEY HAD STOCKINGS
OVER THEIR HEADS? YEAH.
ARE YOU SURE THEY WERE WHITE,
POP? I KNOW THEY WASN'T BLACK.
YOU CAN'T GET NO STOCKING
OVER ONE OF THEM BIG NATURALS.
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
THEY SLUGGED ME ON THE BACK OF
THE HEAD. LET ME PUT SOMETHING ON IT.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T TOUCH IT. IT'S TOO
TENDER. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T REMEMBER. OH, I REMEMBER
SEEIN' YOUR MOTHER COMIN' TOWARD ME...
IN A WHITE DRESS.
SHE SAID, "COME ON
AND JOIN ME, HONEY."
THAT TOOK A LOT OF GUTS. YOU
KNOW, YOU COULD'VE BEEN KILLED.
YEAH, BUT I COULD'VE
TOOK TWO OF 'EM. BUT SIX?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THERE WERE FOUR.
OH, OH, YEAH. FOUR. THAT'S HOW
MANY IT WAS. FOUR. WE WERE ROBBED.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
THE FRYING PAN. THEY
TOOK THE FRYING PAN TOO?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M GONNA FIND
OUT. YEAH, LOOK IN THE KITCHEN.
SEE WHAT'S MISSING
OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
I HOPE THEY DIDN'T
TAKE MY PINTO BEANS.
I FOUND IT, POP. IT WAS IN
THE KITCHEN ON THE STOVE.
AND THIS IS JUST THE
KIND OF EVIDENCE WE NEED.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.
THE COPS! WHAT DO YOU
WANNA CALL THE COPS FOR?
WE DON'T NEED NO COPS
AROUND HERE HANGING AROUND.
DON'T DO THAT. POP,
THIS ISN'T JUST A ROBBERY.
NOW THIS IS ASSAULT
WITH A DEADLY WEAPON.
HELLO, OPERATOR? LISTEN. GET ME
THE POLICE. QUICK. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
LISTEN, A FRYING PAN AIN'T NO DEADLY
WEAPON. BESIDES, I FEEL ALL RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
POP... HELLO, POLICE?
LISTEN, I WANT TO
REPORT A ROBBERY.
THAT'S RIGHT. A
ROBBERY AND AN ASSAULT.
NOW, THE NAME IS SANFORD, AND WE'RE
LOCATED AT 9114 SOUTH CENTRAL AVENUE.
YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
THEY'RE GIVING THE MESSAGE TO THE
SQUAD CAR. THEY'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THE
POLICE FOR? WHAT CAN THEY DO?
THEY CAN GET THE
STUFF BACK FOR US, POP.
DO YOU REALIZE THE PIECES THAT WAS
IN THIS CABINET WAS WORTH OVER $200?
WELL, HOW THEY GONNA
FIND THEM FIVE CROOKS?
WELL, THAT'S OK... FIVE?
YOU MEAN FOUR, DON'T YOU?
OH, YEAH, FOUR. FOUR.
THEY ALL SPREAD OUT BY NOW.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, POP. I JUST WANNA GET MY
HANDS ON THOSE GUYS THAT JUMPED YOU, MAN.
IMAGINE THAT. FOUR GUYS
JUMPING ON A DEFENSELESS OLD MAN.
YEAH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
IT'S DISGUSTING. WE WERE ROBBED.
[ Siren Wailing ]
HEY, THERE'S THE COPS. LISTEN, POP,
YOU JUST SIT OVER HERE AND RELAX.
NOW JUST TAKE IT EASY. EVERYTHING
IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, OKAY?
OKAY, SON. I'M GONNA
LET THE COPS IN.
HEY, SMITTY, COME ON IN.
HEY, LAMONT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S MY POP. HEY, FRED,
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT?
IT'S ME, BROTHER. SMITTY.
OH, BROTHER SMITH.
THEY ALMOST GOT ME. YEAH?
WHO DID? WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE ROBBED.
TELL HIM, LAMONT.
WE WERE ROBBED.
YEAH, WE WERE ROBBED.
SEE, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN,
FIXIN' SOME SPARE RIBS... HOLD IT.
NOW, HOLD IT! HOLD
IT! AND PINTO BEANS.
IT'LL BE NECESSARY TO GET A DETAILED
REPORT OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES...
SURROUNDING "A":
THE BURGLARY ITSELF;
AND "B": THE NATURE OF THE PHYSICAL
ASSAULT PERPETRATED ON THE VICTIM.
HE WANTS THE "T" ON WHAT GOT
SNATCHED AND HOW YOU GOT WIPED OUT.
SO THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
FIRST, WHAT'S YOUR FULL
NAME? SANFORD. FRED SANFORD.
I THOUGHT HE WAS FRED
SANFORD. OH, HE IS. I'M LAMONT.
AND YOU WERE ATTACKED
AND ROBBED. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE ATTACKED AND ROBBED?
HE WAS ATTACKED AND
ROBBED. AND WHERE WERE YOU?
OUT IN THE TRUCK. YOU
WERE OUT IN THE TRUCK?
I WAS ON THE TRUCK. HE
WAS ATTACKED AND ROBBED.
HOLD IT.
WE'LL COMMENCE AGAIN.
FIRST, WHAT IS YOUR
FULL NAME? FRED SANFORD.
THAT'S S-A-N-F-O-R-D PERIOD.
YOU WERE IN THE HOUSE, AND
YOU WERE ATTACKED AND ROBBED.
HOW MANY MEN WERE
THERE? UH, HOW MANY I SAY?
FOUR.
FOUR. FOUR?
THAT TOO MANY?
BUT, UH, NO, IF THAT'S
IT. WERE THEY COLORED?
YEAH. WHITE.
ALL FOUR OF THEM?
YEAH, ALL FOUR OF THEM.
DID YOU NOTICE IF ONE OF
THEM ACTED AS THE C.O.?
YOU KNOW, MAN. THE CHIEF.
OH, YEAH. WHAT'D
THE OTHERS CALL HIM?
CHIEF.
OKAY, WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
WELL, SEE, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN,
COOKIN' SOME SPARE RIBS AND
PINTO BEANS... WAIT A MINUTE.
P-I-N-T-O.
I KNOW.
BEANS.
GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.
AND I HEARD A NOISE. I CAME OUT, AND
THERE WAS FOUR GUYS ROBBIN' THE PLACE.
AND? AND? OH, AND, UH...
AND I HAD THE FRYING PAN IN MY
HAND, AND I STARTED SWINGING.
THEN WHAT?
THEN WHAT WHAT? WHAT DID
YOU DO? WHAT DID THEY DO?
WELL, THEN ONE OF
THEM HOLLERED, "GET HIM!"
AND TWO OF 'EM HELD ME,
AND ONE OF 'EM BEAT ME.
WHAT DID THE FOURTH MAN DO? HUH?
TWO MEN HELD YOU AND ONE BEAT YOU.
THAT'S THREE. YOU SAID THERE WERE FOUR.
WHAT DID THE FOURTH MAN DO?
OH, HE WAS THE ONE
THAT HOLLERED, "GET HIM."
YEAH. HE MUST'VE BEEN THE CHIEF.
MR. SANFORD, UH,
DO YOU THINK THE
INJURIES SUSTAINED DURING
THE ALTERCATION MIGHT
REQUIRE HOSPITALIZATION?
DO YOU WANT TO GET
YOUR SKULL CHECKED OUT?
NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE
HOSPITAL. I CAN'T WASTE THREE DAYS.
BUT IT ONLY TAKES A FEW MINUTES.
IT TAKES YOU A FEW MINUTES.
IT TAKES US THREE DAYS
IN THE WAITING ROOM.
VERY WELL. EXACTLY
WHAT WAS TAKEN?
WELL, SEE, I WAS DOING ALL
THE FIGHTIN' MOST OF THE TIME.
SEE, I FOUGHT ALL
OF THEM BY MYSELF.
BUT LAMONT CAN TELL YOU WHAT
WAS TAKEN. YOU TELL THEM, LAMONT.
YEAH. THEY TOOK SOME PORCELAIN
PIECES AND SOME FRENCH GLASSWARE.
AND IT WAS WORTH OVER 200 BUCKS.
AND IT WAS FRAGILE AND VALUABLE.
SEE, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN... ALL
RIGHT, MR. SANFORD, EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU CHECK THIS
FOR ACCURACY, PLEASE?
"FOUR UNIDENTIFIED
CAUCASIAN MALES...
"ENTERED PREMISES OF
SALVAGE BUSINESS STRUCTURE...
"AND COMMITTED ASSAULT ON THE LONE
OCCUPANT, RENDERING HIM UNCONSCIOUS,
"THEN PROCEEDED TO
REMOVE FROM THE PREMISES...
"COLLECTOR ITEMS
VALUED IN EXCESS OF $200,
WITH NO INFORMATION ON ROUTE
OF SUSPECTS UPON DEPARTING."
RIGHT? RIGHT. RIGHT.
WE WERE ROBBED.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. SANFORD.
LET'S GO. I WAS IN THE KITCHEN...
OH, MR. SANFORD, I'M GONNA TELL THEM
DOWN AT H.Q. WHAT A BRAVE MAN YOU ARE.
A VICTIM YOUR AGE TAKING
ON FOUR ASSAILANTS.
YOU MIGHT EVEN GET A CITATION.
YOU HEAR THAT, POP? YOU'RE A
HERO. GET ANY MONEY FOR THAT?
ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT'S
AN HONOR. YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
SURE IS. WELL, YOU'LL
BE HEARING FROM US.
TAKE IT SLOW, FRED. SEE YOU LATER,
LAMONT. SEE YOU LATER, SMITTY.
SO LONG, OFFICER SWANHAUSER.
SAY, POP, YOU FEEL OKAY NOW?
I'M KINDA DIZZY. KINDA DIZZY, SON.
LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO PROMISE ME THAT
YOU'LL NEVER DO NOTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.
- WHAT?
- RISK YOUR LIFE FOR
A FEW PIECES OF GLASS.
- THAT WAS CRAZY.
- BUT THAT GLASS WAS VALUABLE.
I KNOW, POP, BUT YOU'RE MORE
VALUABLE TO ME THAN GLASS.
THAT'S THE NICEST THING
YOU'VE SAID TO ME IN A LONG TIME,
THAT YOU LIKE ME
BETTER THAN GLASS.
I'LL BET THIS IS GONNA BE SOMETHING
YOU'RE GONNA REMEMBER FOR A LONG TIME.
YEAH. SEE, I WAS IN THE
KITCHEN, FIXIN' YOUR SUPPER,
AND I WAS FIXIN' YOU SOME
SPARE RIBS AND SOME PINTO BEANS,
I KNOW, POP. AND I WAS
CHOPPIN' UP THE ONIONS...
WHEN I HEARD THIS
NOISE. I KNOW, POP.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW NOBODY WAS
OUT HERE. POP, WE WERE ROBBED.
YEAH. WE WERE ROBBED.
COME ON IN, SWANEE.
HEY, LAMONT! YOU HOME?
HEY, POP. I JUST CAME HOME
TO FIX MYSELF SOME LUNCH.
HOW YOU DOIN',
OFFICER SWANHAUSER?
SAY, YOU BEEN DOWN AT THE
POLICE STATION ALL THIS TIME?
YEAH, AND THEY GAVE ME A CITATION,
JUST LIKE SWANEE HERE SAID THEY WOULD.
AND HE WAS NICE
ENOUGH TO DRIVE ME HOME.
HEY, SWANEE, READ THIS
THE WAY YOU DID DOWN AT H.Q.
THAT'S HEADQUARTERS.
"CITATION FOR BRAVERY
TO FRED SANFORD...
"FOR HIS COURAGE IN HIS PART
IN FIGHTING CRIME IN OUR CITY,
WITH APPRECIATION FROM THE
LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT."
YOU CAN BE MIGHTY
PROUD OF YOUR FATHER.
I AM PROUD OF HIM.
THAT'S THE KIND OF SPUNK SOME
OF THE KIDS TODAY COULD USE.
LIKE YOUR OLD MAN. HE'S GOT
SPUNK. KIDS TODAY DON'T HAVE SPUNK.
YOU DON'T THINK SO? NO.
ALL THEY WANNA DO IS SIT AROUND
AND LET THEIR HAIR GROW LONG.
THEY'RE SPOILED. KIDS
TODAY DON'T HAVE MANNERS.
THEY DON'T HAVE RESPECT. THEY
DON'T HAVE WHAT YOUR FATHER'S GOT.
SPUNK? SPUNK! I GOT SPUNK.
WELL, I GOTTA BE GETTIN' BACK.
THANKS A LOT, SWANEE, FOR DRIVING
ME HOME. I SURE APPRECIATE IT.
GLAD TO DO IT,
SANFORD. LISTEN, UH,
YOU GET THIS FRAMED.
OH, YEAH, I WILL.
ANY LONG-HAIRED KIDS COME
AROUND, JUST SHOW 'EM YOUR CITATION.
RIGHT. I'LL SHOW IT TO 'EM.
[ Door Closes ] WELL, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW, POP?
I THINK I'LL GO DOWN TO THE POOL
HALL AND SHOW ALL THE FELLAS.
YOU KNOW, MY CITATION. OKAY.
YOU WANNA GO WITH ME? NO, NO.
I GOTTA GO DELIVER SOME
STUFF I SOLD THIS MORNING.
WELL, YOU KNOW
WHERE I'LL BE. YEAH.
SO LONG, SPUNKY.
"LOS ANGELS POLICE
DEPARTMENT CITATION FOR VALOR."
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. HEY, LAMONT,
I HAD MY PICTURE FRAME...
LAMONT! LAMONT,
WHAT HAPPENED, SON?
LAMONT! HELP! POLICE!
WAIT A MINUTE! NO, IT'S ME!
LAMONT, WAIT. LET ME HELP YOU.
IS THAT YOU, POP?
YEAH, THIS IS ME, SON.
I FEEL DIZZY. THE WHOLE
ROOM IS SPINNING AROUND.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M
GOING, POP. COME OVER HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU STILL
HERE? I'M RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.
SIT HERE ON THE SOFA. AND
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, WE WERE ROBBED.
- TWICE IN TWO DAYS.
- ROBBED?
YEAH. I THINK IT WAS THE SAME
GUYS THAT WAS HERE YESTERDAY.
YOU SEE, THEY DO THAT SOMETIMES.
THEY DON'T FIGURE THAT YOU'LL BE
EXPECTING 'EM BACK FOR A LONG TIME.
AND THEN THEY COME BACK,
AND THEY HIT YOU REAL FAST.
WHAT GUYS? WHAT
ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
THE FOUR WHITE GUYS WITH THE
STOCKINGS OVER THEIR HEADS, RIGHT?
STOCKINGS?
YEAH. THE SAME GUYS
THAT GOT YOU, REMEMBER?
OH. OH, THEM GUYS.
YEAH. WELL, THEY CAME BACK, POP.
AND GUESS WHAT THEY
WENT STRAIGHT FOR. WHAT?
- YOUR PIGGY BANK.
- MY PIGGY BANK?
OH!
OH! MY PIGGY BANK! I HAD
OVER $200 IN HERE! I KNOW, POP.
I TRIED TO STOP 'EM. I
SAID, "HEY, DON'T TAKE THAT.
MY POP'S GOT
OVER $200 IN THERE."
TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.
AND THEN I GRABBED THE
POT, AND I STARTED SWINGING.
JUST LIKE IT HAPPENED
TO YOU, RIGHT?
NO, THAT'S WHAT... THAT
DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME.
IT DIDN'T?
NO, I MEAN... I DIDN'T HAVE
A POT. I HAD A FRYING PAN.
IT DON'T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.
YOU HAD A PAN, I HAD A POT.
I TRIED TO FIGHT 'EM OFF, POP.
BUT IT WAS JUST TOO MANY OF 'EM.
AND IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO MAKE
A FIST 'CAUSE I CAUGHT A CRAMP.
YOU GOT A CRAMP?
YEAH, I CAUGHT A CRAMP. I
TRIED TO FIGHT 'EM OFF, POP.
I WAS FIGHTIN' THEM, BUT THEY JUST
OVERPOWERED ME. YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
Y-YEAH, I BELIEVE YOU.
YEAH, WELL, I GUESS YOU BETTER GO
ON OVER HERE AND CALL THE POLICE.
HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER
REPORT. I DON'T THINK I OUGHT TO...
I WONDER IF THEY'LL GIVE ME A
CITATION LIKE THE ONE THEY GAVE YOU.
I DON'T WHAT TO TALK... WELL,
GO ON AND CALL THE POLICE.
I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD ASK ME TO...
AND WHEN YOU GET 'EM, TELL
'EM I FOUND MY PORCELAIN...
ALL SMASHED UP AND BROKEN IN
THE REFRIGERATOR IN THE YARD.
[ Clattering ]
BUT... I WONDER
HOW IT GOT THERE.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT, I TELL
YOU. I ALREADY KNOW.
I TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED. I ALREADY KNOW.
YOU BROKE MY PORCELAIN AND THEN
YOU FAKED A ROBBERY, YOU OLD FAKER.
WELL, TWO PEOPLE
CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME.
BUT... BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!
HMM. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE MONEY I GOT OUT YOUR PIGGY
BANK WILL BUY ME A NEW COLLECTION.
THAT'S THE MONEY I WAS
SAVING FOR MY HEART OPERATION.
YOU KNOW, I WAS GONNA GET
ONE OF THEM HEART TRANSPLANTS.
IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO SAVE
THAT MONEY. GIVE ME MY MONEY!
NO. I SAID NO. NO, I WANT
MY MONEY. I SAVED...
I SAID NO, POP. NOW
GET OUT OF HERE.
UH-OH!
NOW YOU WENT AND DID IT!
I MIGHT NEED THAT MONEY TONIGHT.
OHH! I'VE NEVER HAD
PAINS LIKE THIS BEFORE!
OH, THIS IS THE WORST
ONE I EVER HAD, SON.
OH, IT'S THE WORSE ONE.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE. I'M DYING!
YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH? I'M
COMING TO JOIN YOU, HONEY. OHH!
[ Knock On Door ]
MAYBE THAT'S ELIZABETH.
MR. SANFORD? NO,
THAT'S NOT ELIZABETH.
TOO YOUNG AND TOO WHITE.
NOTHING. I WAS JUST TALKING
TO MYSELF. CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M A REPORTER FROM A NEW
MAGAZINE CALLED PEOPLE TODAY,
AND WE'RE DOING A SERIES
ENTITLED "WHAT MAKES A HERO?"
WELL, YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED
FOR DOING A LIFE STORY.
OH, REALLY? DOES
THAT PAY ANYTHING?
THEY USUALLY PAY $150.
UH, YOU THINK THEY
MIGHT PAY $200?
OH, I'M SURE THEY WILL.
WELL, COME RIGHT IN THEN.
COME RIGHT IN HERE.
LAMONT, THIS LADY'S FROM A
MAGAZINE. I ALREADY HEARD, POP.
YEAH. SHE'S GONNA DO...
SIT RIGHT HERE, DEAR.
WARM ENOUGH FOR YOU?
COMFORTABLE? YOU SAY I CAN GET 200...
UH, LAMONT, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE YOUR 200...
AND GO SEE IF YOU CAN GET
YOU SOME NEW PORCELAIN?
I'M GONNA SIT HERE WITH THE
LADY AND DO MY STORY FOR THIS 200.
WE WON'T NEED YOU HERE AT ALL.
UH, GO RIGHT AHEAD, DEAR. NOW,
WHERE WERE YOU BORN, MR. SANFORD?
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI.
THAT'S M-O PERIOD.
YEAH, YOU SEE, MY
GRANDFATHER WAS THE FIRST ONE,
YOU KNOW, THAT HAD
THAT BRAVERY AND SPUNK.
HE HAD IT. HE WAS BRAVE.
IN FACT, HE WAS IN THAT BIG BATTLE
BETWEEN THE GRAYS AND THE BLUES.
THE HOMESTEAD GRAYS
AND THE ST. LOUIS BLUES.
THAT WAS JUST A LITTLE
SOMETHING I THREW IN THERE.
BUT YOU KNOW, HE WAS
A CAPTAIN IN THE CIVIL
WAR IN THE CAVALRY.
CAPTAIN OF THE CAVALRY.
AND ONE TIME, THEY
WERE SURROUNDED.
215,000.215.
AND THE GENERAL SAID,
"WE'RE SURROUNDED.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
SHOULD WE TURN BACK?"
AND MY GRANDFATHER STOOD UP IN HIS
STIRRUPS AND SAID, "NO! RIDE ON, RIDE ON!"
THAT'S THE WAY THAT EXPRESSION
GOT STARTED: "RIDE ON."
AND THEN, SEE, MY GRANDFATHER,
HE WAS IN THE CIVIL WAR,
AND HE WAS WITH CUSTER TOO.
HE WAS WITH CUSTER FOR A WHILE.
IT WAS JUST PLAIN CLUMSINESS. THAT'S
HOW YOU BROKE MY OLD COLLECTION.
BUT YOU BETTER NOT
BREAK MY NEW COLLECTION.
NOW, THIS IS THE WAY YOU DID IT.
THIS IS THE DUMB WAY YOU DID IT.
YEAH. THAT'S THE
DUMB WAY IT HAPPENED.
[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ UP A LAZY RIVER ♪
♪ BY THE OLD MILL RUN ♪
♪ LAZY, LAZY RIVER ♪
♪♪ [ Humming ]
♪ LINGER IN THE SHADE OF A ♪
♪ KIND OLD TREE ♪
♪ THROW AWAY YOUR TROUBLES ♪
KINDA COLD IN HERE.
"CONTENTS.
FOUR-FIFTHS OF A QUART."
NOT ANYMORE.
GIN.
BRANDY AND GIN.
THAT AIN'T NO SIN.
♪♪ [ Humming ]
♪♪ [ Continues Humming ]
"FRAGILE AND VALUABLE. KEEP OUT.
"OVER.
THIS MEANS YOU, POP."
[ Mumbling ]
♪ UP A LAZY RIVER ♪
♪ BY THE OLD MILL RUN ♪
♪ LAZY, LAZY RIVER ♪♪
GEE WHIZ! THIS IS ALL
LAMONT'S VALUABLE STUFF.
PORCELAIN. OH,
HE'S GONNA KILL ME.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, LAMONT.
HONEST. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT
HAPPEN WHEN YOU GOT ARTHRITIS.
HONEST. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU, SON?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
YOU... YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.
NO, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE A
ROBBERY? YEAH, YEAH.
HE'LL BELIEVE A ROBBERY.
I KNOW HE'LL BELIEVE A ROBBERY.
SOMETHING LIKE
THIS HAPPENED TO ME.
[ Engine Revving ]
HEY, POP, I'M HOME.
SAY, POP, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN IT. I
WAS COMING ACROSS THE STREET, AND I...
SAY, POP! POP! WHAT HAPPENED?
WHO IS IT? HELP! POLICE!
TAKE IT EASY, POP! IT'S
ME, LAMONT! IT'S ME, POP!
LAMONT, IS THAT YOU?
YEAH! WHAT HAPPENED, POP?
THE ROOM'S SPINNIN' AROUND.
I'M SO DIZZY. TAKE IT EASY, POP.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE
I'M GOIN'. OVER HERE, POP.
IS THAT YOU, LAMONT?
YEAH, OVER HERE.
COME OVER HERE ON THE
SOFA. STRETCH OUT, POP.
JUST TAKE IT EASY.
EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, JUST
RELAX, POP. OH, SON.
- YOU WANT A SHOT OF SOMETHING?
- THAT'LL BE NICE.
A LITTLE BRANDY WILL BE
JUST THE THING FOR YOU.
SAY, THE BRANDY'S GONE.
THEY TOOK EVERYTHING.
JUST RELAX, POP.
EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT.
JUST TAKE IT EASY.
HERE. NOW, DRINK THIS, POP,
AND TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
WE WERE ROBBED. ROBBED.
SEE, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN,
FIXIN' YOUR SUPPER.
I WAS FIXIN' SOME SPARE
RIBS AND PINTO BEANS.
AND I HEARD THIS NOISE, SO I
CAME OUT, AND THEY JUMPED ME.
I DID THE BEST I COULD, LAMONT.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT WAS HARD FOR ME
TO MAKE A FIST WITH THIS ARTHRITIS.
AND... AND THEY JUST... THEY
ROBBED US. WE WERE ROBBED.
OHH! MY COLLECTION!
MY PORCELAIN AND GLASS
COLLECTION! THEY TOOK IT!
YEAH, I TRIED TO STOP 'EM. I
SAID, "HEY, DON'T TAKE THAT!
"THAT'S MY SON'S PORCELAIN
AND GLASS COLLECTION.
IT'S FRAGILE AND VALUABLE."
WHAT'D YOU HAVE TO TELL 'EM THAT
FOR? I DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT.
YOU HAD A SIGN IN THERE
SAYIN' "FRAGILE AND VALUABLE."
ONE OF THE GUYS READ IT.
HE SAID, "OH, LET'S TAKE THIS
FRAGILE AND VALUABLE COLLECTION."
I TRIED TO STOP 'EM,
BUT THEY TOOK IT.
SAY, POP, WASN'T THERE SOMETHING
YOU COULD'VE DONE? I MEAN...
COULDN'T YOU HAVE DONE
SOMETHING, POP? WHAT COULD I DO?
THERE WAS FOUR OF THEM. FOUR WHITE
MEN WITH STOCKINGS OVER THEIR HEADS.
THEY HAD STOCKINGS
OVER THEIR HEADS? YEAH.
ARE YOU SURE THEY WERE WHITE,
POP? I KNOW THEY WASN'T BLACK.
YOU CAN'T GET NO STOCKING
OVER ONE OF THEM BIG NATURALS.
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
THEY SLUGGED ME ON THE BACK OF
THE HEAD. LET ME PUT SOMETHING ON IT.
NO, NO, NO. DON'T TOUCH IT. IT'S TOO
TENDER. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T REMEMBER. OH, I REMEMBER
SEEIN' YOUR MOTHER COMIN' TOWARD ME...
IN A WHITE DRESS.
SHE SAID, "COME ON
AND JOIN ME, HONEY."
THAT TOOK A LOT OF GUTS. YOU
KNOW, YOU COULD'VE BEEN KILLED.
YEAH, BUT I COULD'VE
TOOK TWO OF 'EM. BUT SIX?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THERE WERE FOUR.
OH, OH, YEAH. FOUR. THAT'S HOW
MANY IT WAS. FOUR. WE WERE ROBBED.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
THE FRYING PAN. THEY
TOOK THE FRYING PAN TOO?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M GONNA FIND
OUT. YEAH, LOOK IN THE KITCHEN.
SEE WHAT'S MISSING
OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
I HOPE THEY DIDN'T
TAKE MY PINTO BEANS.
I FOUND IT, POP. IT WAS IN
THE KITCHEN ON THE STOVE.
AND THIS IS JUST THE
KIND OF EVIDENCE WE NEED.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.
THE COPS! WHAT DO YOU
WANNA CALL THE COPS FOR?
WE DON'T NEED NO COPS
AROUND HERE HANGING AROUND.
DON'T DO THAT. POP,
THIS ISN'T JUST A ROBBERY.
NOW THIS IS ASSAULT
WITH A DEADLY WEAPON.
HELLO, OPERATOR? LISTEN. GET ME
THE POLICE. QUICK. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
LISTEN, A FRYING PAN AIN'T NO DEADLY
WEAPON. BESIDES, I FEEL ALL RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
POP... HELLO, POLICE?
LISTEN, I WANT TO
REPORT A ROBBERY.
THAT'S RIGHT. A
ROBBERY AND AN ASSAULT.
NOW, THE NAME IS SANFORD, AND WE'RE
LOCATED AT 9114 SOUTH CENTRAL AVENUE.
YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
THEY'RE GIVING THE MESSAGE TO THE
SQUAD CAR. THEY'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THE
POLICE FOR? WHAT CAN THEY DO?
THEY CAN GET THE
STUFF BACK FOR US, POP.
DO YOU REALIZE THE PIECES THAT WAS
IN THIS CABINET WAS WORTH OVER $200?
WELL, HOW THEY GONNA
FIND THEM FIVE CROOKS?
WELL, THAT'S OK... FIVE?
YOU MEAN FOUR, DON'T YOU?
OH, YEAH, FOUR. FOUR.
THEY ALL SPREAD OUT BY NOW.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, POP. I JUST WANNA GET MY
HANDS ON THOSE GUYS THAT JUMPED YOU, MAN.
IMAGINE THAT. FOUR GUYS
JUMPING ON A DEFENSELESS OLD MAN.
YEAH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
IT'S DISGUSTING. WE WERE ROBBED.
[ Siren Wailing ]
HEY, THERE'S THE COPS. LISTEN, POP,
YOU JUST SIT OVER HERE AND RELAX.
NOW JUST TAKE IT EASY. EVERYTHING
IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, OKAY?
OKAY, SON. I'M GONNA
LET THE COPS IN.
HEY, SMITTY, COME ON IN.
HEY, LAMONT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S MY POP. HEY, FRED,
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT?
IT'S ME, BROTHER. SMITTY.
OH, BROTHER SMITH.
THEY ALMOST GOT ME. YEAH?
WHO DID? WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE ROBBED.
TELL HIM, LAMONT.
WE WERE ROBBED.
YEAH, WE WERE ROBBED.
SEE, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN,
FIXIN' SOME SPARE RIBS... HOLD IT.
NOW, HOLD IT! HOLD
IT! AND PINTO BEANS.
IT'LL BE NECESSARY TO GET A DETAILED
REPORT OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES...
SURROUNDING "A":
THE BURGLARY ITSELF;
AND "B": THE NATURE OF THE PHYSICAL
ASSAULT PERPETRATED ON THE VICTIM.
HE WANTS THE "T" ON WHAT GOT
SNATCHED AND HOW YOU GOT WIPED OUT.
SO THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
FIRST, WHAT'S YOUR FULL
NAME? SANFORD. FRED SANFORD.
I THOUGHT HE WAS FRED
SANFORD. OH, HE IS. I'M LAMONT.
AND YOU WERE ATTACKED
AND ROBBED. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE ATTACKED AND ROBBED?
HE WAS ATTACKED AND
ROBBED. AND WHERE WERE YOU?
OUT IN THE TRUCK. YOU
WERE OUT IN THE TRUCK?
I WAS ON THE TRUCK. HE
WAS ATTACKED AND ROBBED.
HOLD IT.
WE'LL COMMENCE AGAIN.
FIRST, WHAT IS YOUR
FULL NAME? FRED SANFORD.
THAT'S S-A-N-F-O-R-D PERIOD.
YOU WERE IN THE HOUSE, AND
YOU WERE ATTACKED AND ROBBED.
HOW MANY MEN WERE
THERE? UH, HOW MANY I SAY?
FOUR.
FOUR. FOUR?
THAT TOO MANY?
BUT, UH, NO, IF THAT'S
IT. WERE THEY COLORED?
YEAH. WHITE.
ALL FOUR OF THEM?
YEAH, ALL FOUR OF THEM.
DID YOU NOTICE IF ONE OF
THEM ACTED AS THE C.O.?
YOU KNOW, MAN. THE CHIEF.
OH, YEAH. WHAT'D
THE OTHERS CALL HIM?
CHIEF.
OKAY, WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
WELL, SEE, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN,
COOKIN' SOME SPARE RIBS AND
PINTO BEANS... WAIT A MINUTE.
P-I-N-T-O.
I KNOW.
BEANS.
GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.
AND I HEARD A NOISE. I CAME OUT, AND
THERE WAS FOUR GUYS ROBBIN' THE PLACE.
AND? AND? OH, AND, UH...
AND I HAD THE FRYING PAN IN MY
HAND, AND I STARTED SWINGING.
THEN WHAT?
THEN WHAT WHAT? WHAT DID
YOU DO? WHAT DID THEY DO?
WELL, THEN ONE OF
THEM HOLLERED, "GET HIM!"
AND TWO OF 'EM HELD ME,
AND ONE OF 'EM BEAT ME.
WHAT DID THE FOURTH MAN DO? HUH?
TWO MEN HELD YOU AND ONE BEAT YOU.
THAT'S THREE. YOU SAID THERE WERE FOUR.
WHAT DID THE FOURTH MAN DO?
OH, HE WAS THE ONE
THAT HOLLERED, "GET HIM."
YEAH. HE MUST'VE BEEN THE CHIEF.
MR. SANFORD, UH,
DO YOU THINK THE
INJURIES SUSTAINED DURING
THE ALTERCATION MIGHT
REQUIRE HOSPITALIZATION?
DO YOU WANT TO GET
YOUR SKULL CHECKED OUT?
NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE
HOSPITAL. I CAN'T WASTE THREE DAYS.
BUT IT ONLY TAKES A FEW MINUTES.
IT TAKES YOU A FEW MINUTES.
IT TAKES US THREE DAYS
IN THE WAITING ROOM.
VERY WELL. EXACTLY
WHAT WAS TAKEN?
WELL, SEE, I WAS DOING ALL
THE FIGHTIN' MOST OF THE TIME.
SEE, I FOUGHT ALL
OF THEM BY MYSELF.
BUT LAMONT CAN TELL YOU WHAT
WAS TAKEN. YOU TELL THEM, LAMONT.
YEAH. THEY TOOK SOME PORCELAIN
PIECES AND SOME FRENCH GLASSWARE.
AND IT WAS WORTH OVER 200 BUCKS.
AND IT WAS FRAGILE AND VALUABLE.
SEE, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN... ALL
RIGHT, MR. SANFORD, EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU CHECK THIS
FOR ACCURACY, PLEASE?
"FOUR UNIDENTIFIED
CAUCASIAN MALES...
"ENTERED PREMISES OF
SALVAGE BUSINESS STRUCTURE...
"AND COMMITTED ASSAULT ON THE LONE
OCCUPANT, RENDERING HIM UNCONSCIOUS,
"THEN PROCEEDED TO
REMOVE FROM THE PREMISES...
"COLLECTOR ITEMS
VALUED IN EXCESS OF $200,
WITH NO INFORMATION ON ROUTE
OF SUSPECTS UPON DEPARTING."
RIGHT? RIGHT. RIGHT.
WE WERE ROBBED.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. SANFORD.
LET'S GO. I WAS IN THE KITCHEN...
OH, MR. SANFORD, I'M GONNA TELL THEM
DOWN AT H.Q. WHAT A BRAVE MAN YOU ARE.
A VICTIM YOUR AGE TAKING
ON FOUR ASSAILANTS.
YOU MIGHT EVEN GET A CITATION.
YOU HEAR THAT, POP? YOU'RE A
HERO. GET ANY MONEY FOR THAT?
ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT'S
AN HONOR. YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
SURE IS. WELL, YOU'LL
BE HEARING FROM US.
TAKE IT SLOW, FRED. SEE YOU LATER,
LAMONT. SEE YOU LATER, SMITTY.
SO LONG, OFFICER SWANHAUSER.
SAY, POP, YOU FEEL OKAY NOW?
I'M KINDA DIZZY. KINDA DIZZY, SON.
LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO PROMISE ME THAT
YOU'LL NEVER DO NOTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.
- WHAT?
- RISK YOUR LIFE FOR
A FEW PIECES OF GLASS.
- THAT WAS CRAZY.
- BUT THAT GLASS WAS VALUABLE.
I KNOW, POP, BUT YOU'RE MORE
VALUABLE TO ME THAN GLASS.
THAT'S THE NICEST THING
YOU'VE SAID TO ME IN A LONG TIME,
THAT YOU LIKE ME
BETTER THAN GLASS.
I'LL BET THIS IS GONNA BE SOMETHING
YOU'RE GONNA REMEMBER FOR A LONG TIME.
YEAH. SEE, I WAS IN THE
KITCHEN, FIXIN' YOUR SUPPER,
AND I WAS FIXIN' YOU SOME
SPARE RIBS AND SOME PINTO BEANS,
I KNOW, POP. AND I WAS
CHOPPIN' UP THE ONIONS...
WHEN I HEARD THIS
NOISE. I KNOW, POP.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW NOBODY WAS
OUT HERE. POP, WE WERE ROBBED.
YEAH. WE WERE ROBBED.
COME ON IN, SWANEE.
HEY, LAMONT! YOU HOME?
HEY, POP. I JUST CAME HOME
TO FIX MYSELF SOME LUNCH.
HOW YOU DOIN',
OFFICER SWANHAUSER?
SAY, YOU BEEN DOWN AT THE
POLICE STATION ALL THIS TIME?
YEAH, AND THEY GAVE ME A CITATION,
JUST LIKE SWANEE HERE SAID THEY WOULD.
AND HE WAS NICE
ENOUGH TO DRIVE ME HOME.
HEY, SWANEE, READ THIS
THE WAY YOU DID DOWN AT H.Q.
THAT'S HEADQUARTERS.
"CITATION FOR BRAVERY
TO FRED SANFORD...
"FOR HIS COURAGE IN HIS PART
IN FIGHTING CRIME IN OUR CITY,
WITH APPRECIATION FROM THE
LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT."
YOU CAN BE MIGHTY
PROUD OF YOUR FATHER.
I AM PROUD OF HIM.
THAT'S THE KIND OF SPUNK SOME
OF THE KIDS TODAY COULD USE.
LIKE YOUR OLD MAN. HE'S GOT
SPUNK. KIDS TODAY DON'T HAVE SPUNK.
YOU DON'T THINK SO? NO.
ALL THEY WANNA DO IS SIT AROUND
AND LET THEIR HAIR GROW LONG.
THEY'RE SPOILED. KIDS
TODAY DON'T HAVE MANNERS.
THEY DON'T HAVE RESPECT. THEY
DON'T HAVE WHAT YOUR FATHER'S GOT.
SPUNK? SPUNK! I GOT SPUNK.
WELL, I GOTTA BE GETTIN' BACK.
THANKS A LOT, SWANEE, FOR DRIVING
ME HOME. I SURE APPRECIATE IT.
GLAD TO DO IT,
SANFORD. LISTEN, UH,
YOU GET THIS FRAMED.
OH, YEAH, I WILL.
ANY LONG-HAIRED KIDS COME
AROUND, JUST SHOW 'EM YOUR CITATION.
RIGHT. I'LL SHOW IT TO 'EM.
[ Door Closes ] WELL, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW, POP?
I THINK I'LL GO DOWN TO THE POOL
HALL AND SHOW ALL THE FELLAS.
YOU KNOW, MY CITATION. OKAY.
YOU WANNA GO WITH ME? NO, NO.
I GOTTA GO DELIVER SOME
STUFF I SOLD THIS MORNING.
WELL, YOU KNOW
WHERE I'LL BE. YEAH.
SO LONG, SPUNKY.
"LOS ANGELS POLICE
DEPARTMENT CITATION FOR VALOR."
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. HEY, LAMONT,
I HAD MY PICTURE FRAME...
LAMONT! LAMONT,
WHAT HAPPENED, SON?
LAMONT! HELP! POLICE!
WAIT A MINUTE! NO, IT'S ME!
LAMONT, WAIT. LET ME HELP YOU.
IS THAT YOU, POP?
YEAH, THIS IS ME, SON.
I FEEL DIZZY. THE WHOLE
ROOM IS SPINNING AROUND.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M
GOING, POP. COME OVER HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU STILL
HERE? I'M RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.
SIT HERE ON THE SOFA. AND
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, WE WERE ROBBED.
- TWICE IN TWO DAYS.
- ROBBED?
YEAH. I THINK IT WAS THE SAME
GUYS THAT WAS HERE YESTERDAY.
YOU SEE, THEY DO THAT SOMETIMES.
THEY DON'T FIGURE THAT YOU'LL BE
EXPECTING 'EM BACK FOR A LONG TIME.
AND THEN THEY COME BACK,
AND THEY HIT YOU REAL FAST.
WHAT GUYS? WHAT
ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
THE FOUR WHITE GUYS WITH THE
STOCKINGS OVER THEIR HEADS, RIGHT?
STOCKINGS?
YEAH. THE SAME GUYS
THAT GOT YOU, REMEMBER?
OH. OH, THEM GUYS.
YEAH. WELL, THEY CAME BACK, POP.
AND GUESS WHAT THEY
WENT STRAIGHT FOR. WHAT?
- YOUR PIGGY BANK.
- MY PIGGY BANK?
OH!
OH! MY PIGGY BANK! I HAD
OVER $200 IN HERE! I KNOW, POP.
I TRIED TO STOP 'EM. I
SAID, "HEY, DON'T TAKE THAT.
MY POP'S GOT
OVER $200 IN THERE."
TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.
AND THEN I GRABBED THE
POT, AND I STARTED SWINGING.
JUST LIKE IT HAPPENED
TO YOU, RIGHT?
NO, THAT'S WHAT... THAT
DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME.
IT DIDN'T?
NO, I MEAN... I DIDN'T HAVE
A POT. I HAD A FRYING PAN.
IT DON'T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.
YOU HAD A PAN, I HAD A POT.
I TRIED TO FIGHT 'EM OFF, POP.
BUT IT WAS JUST TOO MANY OF 'EM.
AND IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO MAKE
A FIST 'CAUSE I CAUGHT A CRAMP.
YOU GOT A CRAMP?
YEAH, I CAUGHT A CRAMP. I
TRIED TO FIGHT 'EM OFF, POP.
I WAS FIGHTIN' THEM, BUT THEY JUST
OVERPOWERED ME. YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
Y-YEAH, I BELIEVE YOU.
YEAH, WELL, I GUESS YOU BETTER GO
ON OVER HERE AND CALL THE POLICE.
HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER
REPORT. I DON'T THINK I OUGHT TO...
I WONDER IF THEY'LL GIVE ME A
CITATION LIKE THE ONE THEY GAVE YOU.
I DON'T WHAT TO TALK... WELL,
GO ON AND CALL THE POLICE.
I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD ASK ME TO...
AND WHEN YOU GET 'EM, TELL
'EM I FOUND MY PORCELAIN...
ALL SMASHED UP AND BROKEN IN
THE REFRIGERATOR IN THE YARD.
[ Clattering ]
BUT... I WONDER
HOW IT GOT THERE.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT, I TELL
YOU. I ALREADY KNOW.
I TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED. I ALREADY KNOW.
YOU BROKE MY PORCELAIN AND THEN
YOU FAKED A ROBBERY, YOU OLD FAKER.
WELL, TWO PEOPLE
CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME.
BUT... BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!
HMM. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE MONEY I GOT OUT YOUR PIGGY
BANK WILL BUY ME A NEW COLLECTION.
THAT'S THE MONEY I WAS
SAVING FOR MY HEART OPERATION.
YOU KNOW, I WAS GONNA GET
ONE OF THEM HEART TRANSPLANTS.
IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO SAVE
THAT MONEY. GIVE ME MY MONEY!
NO. I SAID NO. NO, I WANT
MY MONEY. I SAVED...
I SAID NO, POP. NOW
GET OUT OF HERE.
UH-OH!
NOW YOU WENT AND DID IT!
I MIGHT NEED THAT MONEY TONIGHT.
OHH! I'VE NEVER HAD
PAINS LIKE THIS BEFORE!
OH, THIS IS THE WORST
ONE I EVER HAD, SON.
OH, IT'S THE WORSE ONE.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE. I'M DYING!
YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH? I'M
COMING TO JOIN YOU, HONEY. OHH!
[ Knock On Door ]
MAYBE THAT'S ELIZABETH.
MR. SANFORD? NO,
THAT'S NOT ELIZABETH.
TOO YOUNG AND TOO WHITE.
NOTHING. I WAS JUST TALKING
TO MYSELF. CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M A REPORTER FROM A NEW
MAGAZINE CALLED PEOPLE TODAY,
AND WE'RE DOING A SERIES
ENTITLED "WHAT MAKES A HERO?"
WELL, YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED
FOR DOING A LIFE STORY.
OH, REALLY? DOES
THAT PAY ANYTHING?
THEY USUALLY PAY $150.
UH, YOU THINK THEY
MIGHT PAY $200?
OH, I'M SURE THEY WILL.
WELL, COME RIGHT IN THEN.
COME RIGHT IN HERE.
LAMONT, THIS LADY'S FROM A
MAGAZINE. I ALREADY HEARD, POP.
YEAH. SHE'S GONNA DO...
SIT RIGHT HERE, DEAR.
WARM ENOUGH FOR YOU?
COMFORTABLE? YOU SAY I CAN GET 200...
UH, LAMONT, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE YOUR 200...
AND GO SEE IF YOU CAN GET
YOU SOME NEW PORCELAIN?
I'M GONNA SIT HERE WITH THE
LADY AND DO MY STORY FOR THIS 200.
WE WON'T NEED YOU HERE AT ALL.
UH, GO RIGHT AHEAD, DEAR. NOW,
WHERE WERE YOU BORN, MR. SANFORD?
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI.
THAT'S M-O PERIOD.
YEAH, YOU SEE, MY
GRANDFATHER WAS THE FIRST ONE,
YOU KNOW, THAT HAD
THAT BRAVERY AND SPUNK.
HE HAD IT. HE WAS BRAVE.
IN FACT, HE WAS IN THAT BIG BATTLE
BETWEEN THE GRAYS AND THE BLUES.
THE HOMESTEAD GRAYS
AND THE ST. LOUIS BLUES.
THAT WAS JUST A LITTLE
SOMETHING I THREW IN THERE.
BUT YOU KNOW, HE WAS
A CAPTAIN IN THE CIVIL
WAR IN THE CAVALRY.
CAPTAIN OF THE CAVALRY.
AND ONE TIME, THEY
WERE SURROUNDED.
215,000.215.
AND THE GENERAL SAID,
"WE'RE SURROUNDED.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
SHOULD WE TURN BACK?"
AND MY GRANDFATHER STOOD UP IN HIS
STIRRUPS AND SAID, "NO! RIDE ON, RIDE ON!"
THAT'S THE WAY THAT EXPRESSION
GOT STARTED: "RIDE ON."
AND THEN, SEE, MY GRANDFATHER,
HE WAS IN THE CIVIL WAR,
AND HE WAS WITH CUSTER TOO.
HE WAS WITH CUSTER FOR A WHILE.
IT WAS JUST PLAIN CLUMSINESS. THAT'S
HOW YOU BROKE MY OLD COLLECTION.
BUT YOU BETTER NOT
BREAK MY NEW COLLECTION.
NOW, THIS IS THE WAY YOU DID IT.
THIS IS THE DUMB WAY YOU DID IT.
YEAH. THAT'S THE
DUMB WAY IT HAPPENED.
[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.