Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 30 - #SuperPsycho - full transcript

Nora targets Dice as a way to get revenge on Sam; Sam and Cat are forced to ask Nevel for help.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Hi, Nona.

Hi, Cat.

Hey, want to do something fun?

Sure. Always.

Well, why don't you


Watch one television news program,

and write 500 words on the topic
of news that interests you most?

Is this your homework?

No, this is not my homework.

Okay, it is my homework, but
I hate watching the news

so I was hoping you'd understand.

You have to do your homework.

Nona, but would you, would you please?

I can't.

Fine. Forget it.

I'll watch the stupid news myself.

In Washington,
the house budget committee

passed a joint resolution to both
extend and limit spending rules

regarding pension reform.


The committee is
considering another vote later on...

Off, off, off, off, off!

Whoa, you won't believe
what just happened.

I hate the news.

Well, this is fun news.

Sam and I were crossing the street and
this dude drove by and honked at us.

Oh God, what did Sam do?

She chased him to the next red light and
then reached into his window, and...

Who wants a steering wheel?

You ripped some guy's
steering wheel off his car?

I also ripped this shirt
right off his body.

Well, that dude ain't going
to honk at you again.

No, but we can honk at him.

Well, that can't happen in real life.


You guys want to do something fun?


Why don't you...

Watch one television news program

and write 500 words on the news
story that interests you most?

We're not doing your homework for you.

Ugh. No.

Cool sound.

I hate watching the news.

It's not that bad.

Yes it is.

All they talk about is oil prices, middle
yeast, and some jerk named Dow Jones.

I'd rather watch helmet balls.

Helmet balls?

That's what she calls football.


Hey, why don't you just watch a
story on "news, news, news, news?"

What, what?

It's all the news in six minutes.

Yeah, so every story is
only, like, 30 seconds.

Check it out.

All right.

But I swear, if I hear one thing
about gluten, climate change,

or health care, I'm going
to punch Dice in the face.

That's fair.

How is that fair?

Click the clicking place.

According to experts, gluten might
be affecting climate change,

which will likely have a direct
impact on healthcare costs.


Don't punch my face.

Click the next story.


their delivery speed.

Hey, it's about online shopping.

I like that.


The next time you order something from
Zapathon, it might be delivered to you

by an unmanned flying drone.

The new flying drones promise
delivery in less than 30 minutes.

They automatically zoom
right to your door,

drop off your package, then zoom
back to the Zapathon warehouse.


I want a drone to bring me stuff.

Shh. Shut up.

You can try Zapathon's drone delivery
service beginning tonight at midnight.



That's so cool!

For news, news, news,
news, I'm Tammy Yanks.

Yanks for watching.

Yank you.

Okay, at midnight tonight, we
are ordering a bunch of stuff

we don't need from Zapathon.

Fo sho.


Can I please have my steering wheel back?

♪ I'm never that far ♪

♪ No matter where you are ♪

♪ Believe it ♪

♪ We can make it come true ♪

♪ And I-I-I-I-I ♪

♪ I'll never say never ♪

♪ As long as ♪

♪ We keep it together ♪

♪ It's the life that we choose ♪

♪ And we still break the rules ♪

♪ But it's all going to be ♪

♪ Just fine ♪

♪ You and me ♪

♪ We're going to be just fine ♪

♪ Hmmm... ♪

You see any drones?

No. Do you see a drone?

No. Maybe they...

Wait. I see a drone.


Right there.

That's the moon.

Yeah, it's probably just the moon.

You guys see a drone yet?


But we're pretty sure we saw the moon.


Where's the fire?


Where's the fire?

There's no fire.

But your text message
said, "Nona, come quick.

Our apartment's on fire."

Well, yeah, because I knew that
would make you get here faster.

Let me check this thing out here.

It works.

What did I do?

When did our friendship

take this weird turn?

Will you please tell me why I was
summoned here 22 minutes after midnight?

To see the drones.



Zapathon started using flying
drones to deliver stuff.

Flying robits?


That's what she calls robots.

Why would she call robots robits?

'Cause she's old.

I may be old, but who's wet?

Yep. You.

Dah! Where's the dang drone?

What did you kids order from Zapathon?

Lots a stuff.

Beef sticks.


Extra rough toilet paper.

A badminton racquet.

A shuttlecock.

And a pair of size 62 men's underpants.

Why would you order a pair
of size 62 men's underpants?

'Cause it'll be a great sight gag.

Wait. I hear it.

The drone.

I hear it.

No, no.

That's just my neck massager.

Oh yeah.

Work that neck knot.

Sam, you made us all
think the drone was...

Wait. Do you guys hear that?

The drone.

I don't see it.

Me neither.

Maybe it's coming from the other way.

Move, Nona.

Oh, I see it.


Dang it.

Over there.

There it is.


Hi, drone.

Oh, it's so cool.

Man, it's coming pretty fast.

Real fast.

Where's it going to land?

It's here.

Beef stick.

Enormous men's underpants.

How great is technology?

I am in charge of this building.

This is your apartment.

You're responsible for what happens here.

Look at that.

Look at it.

You know how much that's going
to cost to get that fixed?

And you're paying for it.

And I...


What was that?

A bang ball.

That's right.

Now, get this window fixed.

You fix it.



Excuse me.

Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.

Who is that?

I don't know.

I'm Sherman.

I'm a customer service rep from Zapathon.


You're from Zapathon?


So, we got a complaint saying there was

a little snafoodle with your
first delivery last night.


Your drone flew through
our kitchen window.

Yeah, damage.

And it knocked my beef
stick all out of whack.


My gosh, that is not good.

You guys must have been hopping mad.

Was anyone hurt?

No injuries.

Well, thank thumbs for that.


What are you?

Well, I guess you'd call
me a problem popper.

And believe me, this
isn't our only problem.

Oh, you mean drones crashed
into other houses last night?

My gosh, yes.

We had quite a few
glitches in our galoshes.

Hey, look mister.

We got a broken window here
and we want it fixed fast.

And we don't need any characters
around to give the joint atmosphere,

is that clear?

Or do I have to slip you
my left for a convincer?

Oh, no, sir.

What you just said is
clear as clam broth.

Clam broth?

Okay, who is going to pay
to get our window fixed?

Oh, we are.

Your friends at Zapathon are
going to pay for everything.

Wow, he's super nice.

So nice.

It's kind of hard to stay mad at him.

And as just a little cherry on top
of that "we're sorry" sundae,

Zapathon is going to give you guys
free drone delivery for a whole month.


Oh my God.

And half off everything you order.

Oh my God.

It's a miracle.

Hey, hey, me, too?

You too.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. Hold on.


Do any of you guys ever open
your freezer, drop your pants,

and stick your butt inside?


I haven't.

Not me.

Why would anyone do that?

To cool your toosh.

Oh, wait, yes I have.

Delivery from Zapathon.

Delivery from Zapathon.

Delivery from Zapathon.

Thank you, drone.

I got a new package.


Would one of you girls come over
here and help me babysit this baby

since you're the babysitters?

Hey, look what I got.

Dirt from Tennessee.

Why would you buy dirt?

Half off and free shipping.

All you girls care about is ordering
junk you don't need from Zapathon.


These team usa foot mittens are not junk.

And what about this super
cool UFO detector?

We're safe for now.


Next time.

Hey, quiet that baby down, would you?

Well, I've been trying.

This baby is fussy because
it needs fresh air.

Now, help me put him into
the car and then we can

take him to the park and then we can...


Don't just stand there, help me up.

This is terrible.

Hey, at least when you fell
down you made the baby laugh.

Well, whoop-dee-do for that.

Nona, why don't we take
the baby to the car?

I'll take the baby.

Okay. You coming?

I can't.

I got to return this giant
elephant toothbrush to Zapathon.

Return it how?


I just went online, clicked on "Return,"

and now there's a drone on
the way here to pick it up.

It picks it up?

Yeah, I just set this down outside
and the drone flies down,

grabs it, takes it away, and
I get an automatic refund.

Yeah, I don't need to
know all the details.

Cat, let's go.

Okay. Bye.

Oh, wait. Here.

Set this outside for the drone.

Kay, kay.


Will you come on?

Well, sure.

I just have to set this thing
down so the drone can pick it up.

Oh, drone, drone, drone.

If I hear one more thing about drones,
I'm going to punch Dice in the face.

Oh, I forgot the baby's butt powder.

I will get the butt powder.

Now I have to pee.

Zapathon pick up for return.

Zapathon pick up for return.

Zapathon pick up for return.

Zapathon pick up for return.

I got the butt powder.

The robit.

Come back.

No, I've already spoken to three
Zapathon representatives.

I told you, we had a problem
returning a package.

One of your drones picked up a baby.

A baby person.


No, I do not want to take a
survey at the end of this call.

No, I need to talk to a police officer.

Because some flying hoozy-wazzit
just swooped down by the front door,

grabbed a baby, and skidaddled with it.


No, I have not been drinking.

But, but I've already
gone over this twice.


Okay, I'll tell you again.

I want two buckets of fried chicken,
one spicy, one extra spicy.

And I want three chili biscuits.

No, no, no, don't transfer
me to the main menu.

Oh, God.

No, I am not koo-koo.

The baby flew away.

Yes, yes, I want cheese
on my chili biscuits.

What did Zapathon say?


They just kept sending me
back to the main menu.

Sam, what did you find out?

That tubba chicken charges extra
for cheese on chili biscuits.

Doh, extra?

Well, I can't wait for that.

I'm just going to finish
my big bowl of soup.


What is it?

The baby's mother.

Answer it.

No way.

She's going to ask about her baby.

You talk to her.

I ain't talking to that woman.

Nona, you're the adult.

I am not the person that sent that baby

up, up, and away in the
USB flapper-doodle.

Jeez, Nona, that's not
how real people talk.

Oh, God. She hung up.


That was close.

Oh my God.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
I know what to do.


Okay, you answer and talk to
Mrs. Festerly, and I'll make baby noises

in the background.


That's not going to work.

It worked on "Drake and Josh."

Sam and Cat's super rocking
fun time babysitting service.

How can I help you?

Oh, Mrs. Festerly.

Yeah, this is Sam.

How you doing?

Oh, yeah, yeah, little...


What's that thing's name?


Little Tim is doing great.

Aren't you, little Tim?

Oh, yeah, we are just
putting him in the bathtub.

Yep, he's underwater now.

You can pick him up at 5:00.

What are we going to do?

Where could that baby be?

Okay, okay, okay.

This might not be as bad as we think.

But the baby...

The baby was strapped

into a car seat and we
know where he went.



The drone thought it was
picking up a return package,

so it probably just flew the
baby right back to Zapathon.


Oh, that makes sense.


So, let's go to Zapathon and get the
baby so we can be back in time.

In time for what?

To eat the chicken and chili biscuits.



Come on, kids.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Thank you.

Thank you.


Hey, there's the Sherman guy.

Hey, hello.

Hey, mister man.

Well, lookie doodle who it is.

We got a problem.

Well, wherever there's a
problem, here's a me to fix it.

Okay, would you stop being
so nice and friendly?

Aw, sure, anything for you, my friend.


Sir, there is a baby missing
and we fear he's on Neptune.

He's not on Neptune.

We don't know.

Look, okay,

we were babysitting a baby and...

Ah, let me guess.

A drone picked up the baby by mistake.


How did you know?

Well, that's been happening
a lot these past few days.

Lot of problems.

Well, if the drone system wasn't
ready, then why did you launch it?

Well, despite the problems, I can
assure you, Zapathon's drone program

is occasionally 100 percent safe.


Looks like Steve took
a drone to the face.

But he'll be fine.

Call Steve's wife.

Tell her Steve's not coming home tonight.

Where were we?

We're looking for the baby
that your drone took.


My supervisor sent a memo about that.

Yeah, here it is.

Says, "our drones have been
picking up items by mistake,

including pets, babies, snakes,
mailboxes, and ladies' wigs."

Why are you touching your hair?

Why are you touching yours?

Okay, would both of you...


When the drones pick up pets and babies
and ladies' wigs, where do they go?

Great question.

They are being held in room 222.

Well, take us there.


But no need to walk.

Let's take the zapacart.

Hey, Frank.

All aboard.

Hi, Frank.

Hi, Frank.

Kids are not going to get this.

To room 222.

Okay, we have to walk from here.

Here we go.

These are some of the items that our
drones brought back by mistake.

Specifically, pets, babies, snakes,
mailboxes, and ladies' wigs.

I don't see any snakes.

Weird. There was one.

Anyhoo, just pick out little baby Tim,
and you guys can take him on home.


Someone found a snake in
the women's restroom.

Back in a dilly.

Okay, let's grab little Tim.


Which one's Tim?

Like I know.

Well, this is a sticky pickle.


Tim Festerly.

Please raise your hand.

Dude, babies don't speak English.


Teemo Festerlamos?

Por favor, levanta la mano?

They don't speak Spanish, either.

Hey, I know how we can tell
which baby is little Tim.


Remember when I fell down earlier?

It made little Tim laugh out loud.


So we just need to make Nona fall
down and whichever baby laughs,

that's little Tim.

But I need to fall

in a very safe way so I don't...


Get him. Get him.

Hello, Tim.

Oh, wouldn't it be fun to take him
home and dress him like a pirate?


Wait. Girls.

I'm still down here on the floor.

Help me up, for heaven's sakes.


Oh, no thank you.

I'll just... What are you doing?


Oh! My hair! Come back!




All right.

Do you want to laugh at my
head or do you want to go home

and eat chili biscuits?

Chili biscuits.

Chili biscuits.


Hey, Dice.


Do you ever come in here and
not complain about something?

Why are you in a bad mood?

'Cause Sam stole my friend jade.

Well, I got 1200 pounds of tuna fish
that I don't want and I can't sell.

Oh, and get this.

Get out.

Who's at the door?

Freddie Benson.

Who's Freddie Benson?

An astronaut.