Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996–2003): Season 5, Episode 4 - You Can't Twin - full transcript

You'll never believe it. I have finally met the man of my dreams, the real thing, the one!

Congratulations...how is he different from the four hundred other "the one's"?

Well, he's gorgeous, he's charming, he's funny.

Sounds different so far...

Did I mention that he's gorgeous? His name is Alex. I met him this morning at the Other Realm post office.

Oh, please tell me his picture wasn't on the wall.

Alec happens to be a very fine actor. He is currently starring in the Other Realm soap opera,

Oh, ask him who's the real father of Charlene's baby. My money's on Bob the dancing gargoyle.

Hilda, I know what I say will have absolutely no effect on you, but please, be careful. Go slow.

It's just that we don't want you to end up with someone who isn't right for you.

You don't have to worry. I have my eyes open and my feet firmly on the ground.



Did I mention that he's gorgeous?

Did I mention you're about to hit your head?

Ow!

I guess it's true, love hurts.

Training for the Olympic clothes toss?

I'm looking for my black T-shirt, have you seen it?

Not only have I seen it, I washed it.

You washed my T-shirt? How could you?

You're welcome. Happy to do you the favour. Here, smell......fresh as a springtime morning.

The only thing I hate more than springtime, is morning. New rule: never wash my stuff.

Newer rule: OK, I won't, so there.

Fair warning, Roxie's on the warpath. It's going to be a long, ugly weekend.

Oh, not for me. I've got a big date.

Aargh, you know, the person who finishes the pot is supposed to make a new one.



Oh, I guess that's you. But before you do, I need your opinion.

I'm going out with Josh tonight, and I can't decide what to wear. Hot and sexy, or cool and coy?

You guys are going out again?

No, we're staying in. I'm making dinner...well, actually, the restaurant's making dinner. But I'm putting it on the plate.

Oh, that sounds like a pretty romantic evening.

You're right. Neither of these are romantic enough. But, I have got the perfect little off-the-shoulder number in my closet. Josh will love it.

I'm so glad you introduced us.

Don't mention it......ever again!

Sabrina, just to let you know, I'm videotaping the meteor show tonight, so I'll need to run some cables through your bedroom window.

You're gonna leave my window open? It's thirty degrees out!

Come on, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Unless I live to be a hundred and forty seven or I freeze my body. But I have an aversion to cold.

But it's OK to turn me into a popsicle?

I knew I could count on you.

I say we do our project on the Gold Rush.

I say Prohibition.

What is so wrong with the Expedition of Lewis and Clark?

Oh, come on!

Why do you always bring up stuff like that?

Enough! Since you can't make a decision, I will. We live in Boston. We all like to party. We're gonna' to do the Boston Tea Party.

The Boston Tea Party? That's like so sixth grade.

Yeah, I don't like parties.

I don't like Boston.

People, we have to agree on something.

Let's take a coffee break.

I agree.

I can't remember, does two head-bangs mean regular or decaf?

I am in the study group from hell. I mean, they can't make a decision and they won't listen to anything I have to say.

Oh, I'd love to get into it but I have to get a haircut before my date tonight. Morgan's making me dinner.

Yeah, I know, and I bet she's planning one or two surprises for after dinner.

I hope one of them is cake.

Hey, argh...you're OK with this whole me and Morgan thing, right?

Yeah, you know. I mean, who introduced you? Me.

I know, and it's working out great.

Yeah, everything's working out great.

Don't touch my stuff!

Don't close the window!

Morgan, I love you.

Yes, I'll marry you.

Remember the Alamo.

Go away, go away, go away!

Fine...

Oh, no, no, no, sorry, I was just you know, swatting away some personal demons.

Well I just wanted to introduce you to my new "friend", Alec. This is Sabrina.

Hello.

Hi.

Did I lie? Isn't he gorgeous!

Hilda, stop, you're gonna' spoil me.

No, you're going to spoil me. He's taking me to the Rings of Saturn, the best amusement park in the galaxy.

The happiest place not on Earth. Check your troubles at the door, and have the time of your life.

Check your troubles at the door?

Well I don't care, I don't care!

When do we leave?

Sabrina, it's our first date.

Well then you'll need a chaperone. Come on, kids.

This is so much fun. You know, getting away from my problems is just what the doctor ordered.

Did I mention that Alec plays the handsome and brooding Dr Terrance Honeycott on the highly acclaimed daytime drama, ?

Listen, and listen good, Nurse Wilson. No one dies on my watch.

Don't you love it when he does that?

Yeah, I have chills. So, who wants to go ride the rollercoaster?

I do!

Oh, pass. Yeah, wreaks havoc with the hair.

Oh, well, I like to live on the edge, so 'gotta go.

How about the house of mirrors?

Again? We've been there three times.

And yet I never tire of it.

We could do something different. You could row me through the tunnel of love with those big, strong arms.

Well, rowing would be a great workout for my upper body, but argh...I'm in the mood to see all of me.

House of mirrors it is.

Whoa! That rollercoaster was great. I don't know what Alec's problem was with the hair.

Hey, Cousin Itt, step on up and grab a meteor.

What do I have to do?

Just aim at Earth and give it a hurl.

That sounds like fun, and after that rollercoaster I am ready to hurl. This one's for you, Miles.

Awesome! That one looked like it was aimed at me.

We got ourselves a winner! Here's your prize, little lady.

Oh, argh...no thanks. One is more than enough.

God, I love that place! Did you notice that even in the most distorted mirrors I still look great?

No...but I did notice that your head gets bigger.

Really?

Alec, I hate to talk about me for a moment, but do you ever think about anything other than how you look?

Certainly. Sometimes I think about how other people think I look.

I can hurl a meteor all the way to Earth, but I can't make a free throw with a churro wrapper?

No need, I got it.

Katrina?

Your one and only evil twin.

I know. I never forget a face, especially when it's mine. I, I thought you were locked up for eternity for pushing me into that volcano.

I had a good lawyer. I'm still in jail, but I get reduced sentence if I do community service. Did you gain weight?

You are so evil.

Sorry. I might be nicer if I had your life.

Believe me, my life is not all fun and games.

Well, maybe it is right now, but back at college, I've got a roommate who's giving me the cold shoulder, another one who's trying to freeze me out, and another one who's getting all hot and heavy with this guy Josh I kinda' like.

Oh, yeah? Well I'm sharing a filthy four by four cell with the most obnoxious piece of trailer trash in the Other Realm. Sorry if I don't seem sympathetic.

Look, I gotta' find my Aunt Hilda and her boyfriend. It was a pleasure seeing you again, Katrina.

Pleasure was all yours.

You know, the worst thing a person can do is go through life being bitter. Maybe you should think about making some changes.

I intend too, starting now.

Good luck, Katrina. Bye.

Don't you mean "Sabrina"?

Oh what's the matter Hilda, you seem out of sorts.

You actually noticed?

No, the ticket-taker at the house of mirrors mentioned it.

I want you to take me home right now, Alec. There's Sabrina. Sabrina!

Finally, I've been looking all over for you.

Why are you wearing a maintenance uniform?

I, uh, won it, at the house of garbage.

Garbage? Oh, I wonder if you can see yourself in the cans...

Can it, Dr. I-Love-Myself. Sabrina, I hate to spoil your fun, but we're going back to the Mortal Realm.

Not a problem, that's exactly where I wanna' be. So long, Sabrina. Have a nice eternity.

Oh, home sweet home, just like I imagined it...I mean, remembered it. Oh, ugly cat.

Well that really hurts coming from someone in a maintenance uniform! Who wants to play, "You Don't Know Jack"? How about you, boyfriend?

Oh, sorry Salem, Alec was just leaving.

Oh, I'm in no hurry. Did I tell you I once played Jack in the national tour of Jack and the Beanstalk? Fee, fie, foe...

I believe the word you're looking for is "fum".

You're early. I'm Zelda. You must be "the one".

Ah, the one in your thoughts or the one in your dreams?

Ew! Zelda, kitchen, now!

Well, this has really been fun, but I gotta' get going.

Take one of these as a souvenir. Good luck with your problems back home.

Thanks. You know, they probably weren't as bad as I thought they were.

All travellers leaving the Other Realm, please have your passports ready and passports available for inspection.

Whoa, not so fast, blondie. I can't let you leave the Other Realm. This passport's no good.

Of course it's good, I use it every time I come to the Other Realm. I've never been stopped before. Let me see that.

Ah! Why that evil little twin. She switched passports on me, this is not my passport. My name is Sabrina, not Katrina. Do I look like an evil twin to you?

I don't know, lady. I'm not a psychologist, I scan stuff.

Look, you're making a big mistake!

Arrivederci, baby.

OK, stay calm. Don't panic......let me out of here!

Save your breath, honey.

Aunt Zelda?

No, her evil twin Jezebelda. I've been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a family reunion, trying to get my sorry butt out of here.

If they ain't springing me, they sure ain't springing you.

It's amazing how much you look like my Aunt Zelda.

Sshh! Bite your tongue, girlie. So tell me, how is that skinny-legged little egghead?

Oh, oh, she's fine...I'll...I'll...I'll give her your best.

You were right, Zelda. The one is not the one.

Then what is he still doing in our house?

Probably admiring his reflection in a doorknob. I tried to get rid of him, but he won't take a hint.

Well stop hinting. Just go up there and tell him the truth.

That he's a self-centred, arrogant ego-maniac, and he doesn't deserve a treasure like me?

First part sounded good.

OK, new outfit, new realm...I'm ready to do some evil.

Sabrina, have you seen Alec?

Oh, he's at your vanity, waxing his arm hair.

Oh, I should've listened to you before.

Of course you should have. What'd I say?

That the last thing you wanted was for me to end up with someone who isn't right for me. And this guy is so wrong.

I said that was the last thing I'd want? Because I think you misinterpreted what I was saying.

Then what were you saying?

Well, in a nut-shell, you're over six-hundred years old. You can't afford to be picky. You should grab this guy before he dumps you for a hot little five hundred year old.

Sabrina, I can't stand Alec. And even Zelda says that if I feel that way, I should get rid of him.

Why do you think she said that? She wants him for herself.

You think?

I know.

Well, he is gorgeous.

That's what Zelda said repeatedly.

Ah, that skinny-legged little vamp. Thanks for tipping me off, Sabrina. I owe you one.

Anytime. Hey, you know what? You could do me a favour right now. I sprained my finger on the Tilt-a-Whirl. Could you zap me back to college?

Huh, so this is my room. It's colder than my cell!

This meteor shower is unbelievable. Thanks for letting me run my cables through your window. You're a real friend, Sabrina.

Well, any friend of Sabrina's is an enemy of mine.

I am so evil.

No matter what I do, my magic just won't work!

That's why they call it prison, honey. I'll tell you what's a crime. That Zelda gets to run wild while I'm locked up in here.

I was the pretty one, I was the talented one. I was the one who was supposed to go places.

What happened?

I was a bad, bad girl. Started a little thing called the bubonic plague.

That's awful!

Thank you.

You know, that's like one of the worst disasters in human history.

Now you're embarrassing me.

You're lying on my bed. You know how I feel about you touching my stuff.

Yeah, it's right here in your diary, October 3rd, the same entry where you admit you still suck your thumb.

Have you lost your mind? This is my personal property!

Oh, well if you didn't want me to read it then you shouldn't have left it locked in that little box underneath your mattress.

Finally! I've been trying to get in this room for twenty minutes. Thanks to you unplugging my cables, I missed the best part of the meteor shower.

At least she didn't read your diary.

Sabrina, you're acting so weird. This isn't like you at all.

How far in my diary did you get?

Enough to know that you had a dream about Miles last night.

Really?

Don't get too excited. You were dead.

Oh, Sabrina, don't eat those. They're for my date with Josh.

Josh?

Yeah, he'll be here any minute. I can't wait. So, how's my outfit?

I don't know, what are you gonna' wear?

This...

Oh...I guess it's a look.

I'm changing. If that's Josh, tell him I'll be down in five minutes!

My pleasure.

Hey, Sabrina. Where's Morgan?

Morgan? Oh, Morgan, um...yeah, you know what? She just got very sick and she told me she has to cancel.

Really? She seemed fine when I talked to her twenty minutes ago.

Came on very suddenly.

Oh, well, so much for dinner. Guess it's me and my microwave tonight.

Or...I could be your date.

Hey, Sabrina, I thought you didn't wanna' go out with me.

Why wouldn't I wanna' go out with someone as charming and handsome as you?

I have no idea.

Listen, if I get that guard to spring you, will you promise to poison your Aunt Zelda?

With what? I mean, no!! There's gotta' be a way out of here. And I think I just found it...

Now listen, and listen good, Nurse Wilson. No one dies on my watch.

Bravo. We make one heck of a team. Dr Honeycutt and his swarthy feline sidekick, Gustavo.

Alec, snack time.

What is that cretin still doing here?

He's our cat. He lives here.

Not that cretin, the other one. I thought you were going to dump him.

You don't fool me for a minute, sister. I'm onto you. Sabrina told me about your plan to try to steal Alec.

What?

Oh, look. A meteor. It's a message from Sabrina. "I'm trapped in the Other Realm. Katrina stole my passport and switched places with me. Zelda's evil twin says, hi ya'll".

She's trapped with Jezebelda. We've got to get her out of there.

Wait a minute. If Sabrina's back there, that means it was Katrina who told me I shouldn't dump Alec. Hey, pretty boy!

Not now, I'm watching here.

Well, watch what happens next. We're breaking up.

Oh, a breakup scene, I love those. What's my motivation?

I hate you.

Perfect.

Dr. Honeycutt, you're history, stat!

Now we've got to get Sabrina a new passport, stat!

And hope that Katrina hasn't caused to much damage, stat! I just like saying stat.

Good night, Josh.

Sabrina Spellman, perfect. This should get to the Other Realm in no time.

You're a real whiz on the computer, Salem.

Thanks to my new counterfeiting software. By the way, here's the money I owe you.

I can't believe you stole my boyfriend!

Well, all's fair in love and war...actually, nothing's fair in love and war, they should change that.

You knew that I had this special evening planned. What you did was just......plain evil!

Well, then my work is done. For tonight, anyway.

Sabrina, you going out with Josh was...

Hello, Katrina.

Sabrina, how did you get out?

A little luck and a good fastball. Now, hand over my passport.

Never.

Wait a minute, I have my magic back.

Drat.

It gets even worse. I spoke to your parole board, and you're gonna' be pining for the days you swept up gum wrappers. You're in the big house for the long haul.

You are so evil.

I learnt from the best. Buh-bye!

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

It's horrible to see you too.

Did you gain a little weight?

Did your legs get skinnier?

Is that a whisker coming out of your chin?

Is that a chin coming out of your other chin?

Lord I missed you girl.

I missed you too.

It's tempting to leave her this way, but...

...truly, truly, evil...when did you change?

Oh, just now. I'm no longer evil.

Anyway, if I thought for one second that you were interested in Josh, I never would've gone after him. Well, actually, I would have but just...slower.

Wait a minute, so you're saying I went out with Josh?

Don't play innocent with me. I saw you kissing him on the porch.

I kissed him? Oh, oh, you thought that was a kiss? No, we were just, you know...rehearsing, for a play called...I'm the worst liar in the world.

Look, Morgan, I'm really sorry. OK, I had no idea what I was doing. Please forgive me?

Alright. I'll forgive you the Josh thing. But what you said about my outfit...that is gonna' take some time.

OK, one problem solved. Next…

"Dear diary, I'm really happy to be out of my aunt's house and living on my own".

You're reading my diary?

I'm trying too, but it's hard to stay awake. You have an exceptionally dull life.

Let me guess. I read your diary, so you're reading mine and you're trying to even the score.

Unless this gets a lot better, we're nowhere near even.

It doesn't, trust me. Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens to me. Look, Roxie, I'm really sorry. I never should've invaded your privacy.

All I can say is, if you ever mention September 15th to anybody, you're dead.

It's as if I never read it!

Miles, um, I don't know what I did to you, but I'm sorry.

"Sorry" doesn't cut it. When you unplugged my equipment, I missed the best part of the meteor shower. And there won't be another one like it for 129 years.

Oh, I don't know about that, you know. Sometimes those people are a little off with their calculations. Look!

I can't believe it! I gotta' get back up on the roof and film this.

We're back.

Hey, Josh, I just want to apologize for last night.

For what?

I'm afraid I was sending you mixed messages.

I think the message was clear to both of us.

Yeah, I think so too. So, what was the message you got?

I don't know...the date, the kiss, everything, it just didn't feel right. I mean, it was just me, was it?

No, it wasn't just you, and it definitely wasn't me.

I think your first instinct was right on the money. We should just be friends.

Yeah, friends are a good. You know, you can't have too many friends. So, friends.

Just what I need, another friend.

Mother's maiden name?

Becker.

Favourite dessert that doesn't involve chocolate?

There isn't one. How long is this gonna' go on?

Until we make absolutely sure that you are the real Sabrina.

Say: woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo!

Imposter! Je'accuse!

Back off, fur-ball, or I'm gonna' tell Aunt Zelda about the time I caught you in her lingerie draw trying on her lace-red...

It's Sabrina!