Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996–2003): Season 5, Episode 3 - Heart of the Matter - full transcript

As the new owner, I intend to turn Hilda’s into Boston’s premium coffee concern.

I will be totally dedicated and personally involved in every critical, coffee related, decision, from the moment we open until the moment we close.

You’re going to be here at five AM?

Five AM? Who’s up and dressed by five AM?

Aargh, that would be our customers.

And my life is supposed to revolve around them?

Hello, waiting for coffee.

Hello, having a meeting.

Hilda, you don’t have to be here all the time. We all take different shifts.

I call the afternoon shift!

You’re the owner, you can take whatever shift you want.



Already, you are becoming my favourite employee. I’m promoting you to manager.

He is the manager.

Could somebody manage to make me a grande-latte?

Pipe-down Frankie, you should be home with your family having breakfast.

Look, I’ll make you a latte and argh...just for your patience, I’ll throw in a free scone.

Listen, don’t bother, I’m out o’ here.

I’m going to the cafe down the block where they, not only, advertise coffee, they sell it.

Wait, come back!

Or better yet, take me with you!

Four bucks for a cup of coffee? These prices are outrageous. What am I paying you?

Minimum wage.

Oh! Hilda’s getting a beamer.

Hilda, argh normally, at the end of the day, we split the money in the tip-jar. Is that OK with you?

Absolutely, I can always use extra cash.



Er, a few things you should know about my aunt. She’s insane, she’s insane and oh yeah, she’s insane.

She’s just new. It’ll take her a few weeks to learn the ropes,

but while she’s learning, I could think of something that would soften the blow.

Taking the next few weeks off?

Aargh, I was thinking more along the lines of dinner, Saturday night?

Josh, how can I put this?

How about ‘Sounds great Josh, I’d love to go’?

Look, I made up my mind when I started college that I was gonna try dating new people.

So date new people. Hi, I’m Irvin, have we met?

Look Irving, nice to meet you but could you please tell Josh it ain't gonna happen?

Why not? What, you don’t think we’d have fun?

Josh, the point is we have history. There are bound to be feelings and emotions and that could lead to something serious.

I’m asking you for a date Sabrina, not to pick out a house and names for the kids.

Good, ‘cause I am too young to commit to the two storey Victorian with the big back yard for little Courtney and Todd.

Todd? You’d name a kid Todd?

The point is, I dated the same guy all through high school. I owe it to myself to experience something new.

Let’s move it flunkies. I’m not paying you people minimum wage to sit around and yak.

So, are we still friends?

Right, friends.

Someone looks down, is everything OK?

Yeah, I guess.

I am sure that it’s nothing that a double mochaccino can’t cure. Come on, I’m buying.

It’s on the house.

In your dreams, Bean Boy. Four bucks.

Oh!

Wow! Nice... footwear!

Thank you. I wasn’t sure if open toes were too bold for the academic environment.

Oh no, I like open toes. Open toed shoes. I like shoes in general. I mean I don’t have a shoe fetish or anything. I also like socks...but not with sandals.

You sure have a lot of books Miles.

You know my name?

You’re in my physics class.

Yes. Yes I am and may I say that I’m flattered and impressed that out of all those students you’ve remembered my name.

You’re also Sabrina’s room-mate.

Good point, I am her room-mate. I mean we don’t actually live in the same room, it’s strictly platonic.

Yes, I’m familiar with the situation. I’ll see you in class Miles.

Right! That’s me, Miles.

So let me get this straight. The problem is you like a guy who likes you but you don’t wanna date him because the relationship has potential?

Exactly. Next thing you know, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend and I can kiss dating other guys goodbye.

Please tell me this is not the worst problem you’ve ever had?

So not. The worst was when Harvey and Josh were fighting over me...but you probably don’t wanna hear about that.

And yet, it’s already too late.

Hey Sabrina. Hey. Hi, I’m...I’m Pete, from your English Lit. class. I was wondering if you’d er if you’d like to um...

Grade your pick-up line? ‘D’ minus.

That wasn’t a pick-up line.

Oh actually it was. Do you argh, do you wanna' go to a movie Saturday night?

Oh well Pete, you know I...I’d love to go out with you but I’ve got plans.

What plans? You told me you weren’t doing anything

Well, I said that because I didn’t want you to feel bad because my plans didn’t include you.

Oh really, when were you gonna tell me?

Hello? Hi, argh, I’m the one being rejected here.

Sorry, thanks for asking.

So what are you doing Saturday night?

Nothing. Wanna come along?

Hold on a second. Although I’m flattered, didn’t you just say you wanted to date new people? What’s wrong with Pete?

I couldn’t date that guy, did you see what he was wearing?

Two dimples and perfect teeth?

A white shirt. Who wears white after Labour Day?

You know, for a girl who wants to date different people, you sure are picky.

The guy at the pizza place was too tall, the guy at the student union was too tanned.

I just don’t like that whole tall, dark, handsome thing. Besides, I don’t see you going out with a whole lot o’ guys.

I don’t see a whole lot o’ guys asking me. What's your problem, loser?

I can’t imagine why.

So much for my afternoon nap.

Salem, what are you doing in my bed? I told you never to sleep in my bed.

You say a lot of things sweetheart. What’s eatin’ ya?

I’m in crisis, I’m way to picky about guys. I wanna date but I just can’t get myself to say yes

and the thought of putting myself out there again is scary.

Try a dating spell, it worked for me when I was a strapping young hunk. B

elieve it or not, when it comes to the fairer sex, I’m rather shy.

Is that why you had four different species slap you with a restraining order?

I promised myself I wouldn’t use magic to solve every little problem.

Great! Then Saturday night we can rent ‘Steel Magnolias’ and you can give me a flea dip. Later.

I need a dating spell and I need it fast.

I’ve been meaning to use my new magic CD-ROM anyway.

OK, here we go. ‘D’s. Dakaries, dandruff, dates!

OK, wrong kind o’ dates. Here we go, Dating.

Oh hey, Sabrina Spellman, I’m Roger Lodge. Word has it that you want a date.

Wow, this eight-point-O version works really fast.

Having trouble finding guys who wanna go out with you?

No, I’ve got plenty of guys. I just can’t bring myself to say yes.

Please tell me that’s not your biggest problem?

Actually, people saying that is my biggest problem.

Okay, here’s your spell. ‘The guys who ask Sabrina out are tired of waiting,

from now on Sabrina will say yes to dating’. OK, you’re good to go.

Roger that...Roger.

‘V’ is volume, ‘T’ is Calvin temperature and ‘K’ is the constant dependent on the number of holes and the pressure of the gas.

My goodness, I was four hundred and six before I grasped that concept.

What?

I said, out of four hundred and six students, you’re the only one who grasped that concept.

I love this stuff. I eat, sleep and breath thermo-dynamics. When the other kids were playing with Lego, I was building my first cyclotron.

There’s nothing more exciting than your first particle-accelerator.

Oh yes there is, meeting someone whose eyes don’t glaze over when I talk.

Been there. Miles, I’m considering having a private study group at the house, for my more advanced students.

Would you be interested in something like that?

Very interested.

I think we should keep it small.

I agree, intimate is better.

What about you and me...

Perfect!

...and Adam and Jenny? Oh dear, my only free night is Saturday night.

Saturday’s my only free night too, another thing we have in common. I guess it was meant to be.

Would you mind telling Adam and Jenny?

And do you, Miles, promise to love, honour and cherish Professor Spellman until alien forces take over the planet and harvest you for food?

I do.

You do?

I mean...I will...tell Adam and Jenny. They’re in my next wedding night...I mean... class.

Hey Adam, hey Jenny.

Hey Miles, what’s happenin’?

Absolutely nothing that concerns you. Hi ladies, gorgeous day.

It’s raining you freak. What’s with alien boy? He’s way too happy.

Maybe his Mr. Spock ears finally came in the mail.

Heads up!

Nice catch.

Yeah, I’m here on a football scholarship.

Then I look forward to the next huddle. In the meantime um would you like to go out Saturday night?

What do you have? Some sort of a magical spell?

Yeah right, good one. Aargh, look, I’m flattered but at this point in my life, I just have to say...yes!

Excellent. Um, do you like sushi?

I love sushi!

You hate sushi.

Pick me up at nine?

Sure.

Well you’ve done a one-eighty. You actually decided to say yes to a date.

I realised I had nothing to lose by seeing what’s out there and making an informed, intelligent choice.

Oh! Yo-yo Pete! Look, I’m available for Saturday night if you still wanna go out?

But I thought you had big plans to do nothing?

Oh that’s just an expression. Pick me up at Seven?

Yeah great, see you Saturday.

You told Joe to pick you up at nine!

Oh, good point. Make it six! And that way I can still fit in...hey, you!

Excuse me, you have been here for three hours. You have paid for one cup of coffee and had six glasses of free water.

Which reminds me, where’s the bathroom?

At your house! And take some of these other free-loaders with you.

And from now on, water’s a buck a glass!

You know what Josh? I think I’m getting ripped-off. The old owner said he had a lot of business.

The old owner did.

At this rate I’ll be chapter eleven by the end of the week.

If you’re lucky. Half the customers have already switched to the French Roast Cafe.

I never liked the French. Look, we’re not dead yet, we just have to figure out angle to win the customers back.

What was the angle when the place first opened?

Aargh...the owner was nice.

We’re dead. There has to be another way...I know! We’ll have a marketing blitz.

We’ll give away key-chains, coasters! Fly-swatters! Not the good ones.

Hilda, why don’t you just dress up some poor shmo like a giant cappuccino and parade him up and down the street?

What? It was your idea.

This was fun, Paul.

Yeah, it’s Pete.

Are you sure? Oh yep, six PM, Pete, you’re right.

Are you dating a Paul too?

Um, two Paul’s and a John Paul but not the one you’re thinking of, but if his eminence does call, I am free Thursday night. Gotta go

Oh, hi Dave.

It’s Bob.

Right, Bob, the psyche major.

Actually I’m a statistics major.

With a minor in boredom.

OK, well give me sixty point two five seconds, I just gotta grab a sweater.

No problem, it’ll give Roxie and me a chance to finish our discussion of census taking procedures in post war Denmark.

I’d love to but...nobody should have to pick out a sweater alone.

What do you think you’re doing?

Combining fashion and function. This works much better than the sweater.

Two days ago you didn’t wanna' go near a guy, now you’re going on twelve dates a night and I’ve become your social secretary?

By the way, Tad called. He’s running a tad late. Another one.

I don’t get it, first you criticise me for being picky, then you criticise me for going out? I think you just like to criticise.

Sabrina, when you go out with each guy for only ten minutes, how do you even know who they are?

Who cares? The point is I’m dating. Just like you said I should.

Fine. Do what you want but I’m not taking anymore messages.

Hello? No, she’s not here.

Who was that?

My mother.

Mrs. Spellmanson. I mean Miss Spellman.

Oh Miles, you scared me.

Sorry, I have that affect on a lot of people.

You’re the first one here. As soon as Adam and Jenny arrive, we can begin.

Oh, Jenny and Adam called and said they’d be a little late. I guess not everyone’s as dedicated to science as we are.

Oh, well I suppose we could begin without them. I guess you’ll have the leg-up.

Let’s discuss the concept of gravity.

Ah, the irresistible force that draws two bodies together. I love gravity. Is there a Mr. Spellman?

You mean daddy? Oh, you mean...no there isn’t. But let’s just stick to the subject at hand.

You do have beautiful hands, and look...we both have slender pinkies.

So we do. Anyway...

May I call you Zelda?

No.

I feel like a complete dork!

Well of course you feel like a dork, you’re a cappuccino without any foam. Now hit it!

Come to Hilda’s coffee house,

she roasts the finest beans.

Come to Hilda’s coffee house,

she’s no longer mean.

Come to Hilda’s coffee house,

she’s super-dooper nice...Hilda! This is ridiculous. You’re song is so stupid!

You are one bitter cup of coffee. Hey, where are you going? He hasn’t even done the thing with the spoon yet.

They’re all going to the French Roast Cafe.

Oh come on people, give me a break. No one's ruder than the French!

Of course my father.

He’s so rude, he makes the French look like the Swiss.

Oh and speaking of the Swiss, what’s the deal with the cheese? If those are air-holes, what’s living in there?

Am I right? And what’s with the Swiss army? How can they defend an entire nation with those teeny little red knives?

I got a million of them but I left them in there. At Hilda’s, where every latte comes with a laugh and free water...

well just the first glass. Come and join me won't you?

Well this was fun, I’ve never been to a bowling alley that served sushi before.

I’m up scoring and the yellow tail’s always fresh.

This has been one of the best bowling and fish dates I’ve ever been on.

Look Sabrina, I really like you.

And I really like bowling and fish, so this date worked out perfectly.

No, I mean this is like one of the best first dates I’ve ever had and um...I’m really looking forward to a second?

Oh, well it’s gonna' be a while. See, I’m still on my cycle of first dates.

Well it’s only fair that I date everybody once before I start on round two.

Everybody? Round two? What is this, the Sabrina open?

Exactly, I’m open to dating anyone who asks.

Oh by the way, tell your room-mate, racket-ball and Mongolian barbeque sounds perfect. Thanks for a great evening Jim.

It’s Joe.

I’ve gotta' get name-tags.

Hey Spellman, do you wanna' watch me drop in on a half-pipe?

No, but I do wanna' thank you for introducing me to that dating spell that’s working out great.

Yeah well before you step out with Manny, Mo and Jack, you might wanna' stop by ‘Pet-Boys’ for an alignment.

What are you talking about? What’s wrong with me?

Big picture, you’re obsessive-compulsive but the immediate problem requires a seasoned chiropractor.

It must be that stupid dating spell...or maybe I’ve got to start bowling with a lighter ball.

I’ve gotta get this spell off right away. Roger, are you there?

I’m on it Sabrina. ’Poor Sabrina’s not looking well, so quickly remove this dating spell.

Nothing’s happened! What am I going to do?

Do what you always do. Go crying to your aunties to bail you out, boo-hoo-hoo! Help me aunties! Ha-ha-ha!

I’m an independent woman, I don’t need my aunts for help.

Yeah, this is easy. All right, head misalignment. Go to aunts for help’ Boo-hoo-hoo!

Miles, you and I are not involved, nor will we ever be involved, capich?

love it when you speak Italian. Admit it my Mamazelda, you feel an urge for little Milo too.

Unless you’re talking about the urge to toss you out on your canolli, I feel nothing of the kind.

Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! Look!

Sabrina?

Whoops! I’ll just be in the kitchen trying to straighten myself out.

Did I just see Sabrina’s head sliding off her body?

You poor dear, those over zealous hormones are causing you to hallucinate.

Is that, in any way, attractive to you?

No.

Good lord Sabrina, what’s going on?

I have no idea. Salem convinced me to put a dating spell on myself and it was going great until my neck turned into a slinky! I removed the spell but it just keeps getting worse.

Here, hold this.

Sabrina, when a witch is misaligned, it’s rarely caused by a problematic spell.

It usually signals a deeper problem that was there before the spell was incanted.

Great, why couldn’t I take after the mortal side? Their worst ailment is an occasional hive.

There, that ought to hold you until we figure out what’s wrong.

A nice look for winter, but not great with a bikini.

Sabrina, why did you need a dating spell? You’ve never had trouble getting dates before?

The spell wasn’t to help me get dates, it was to make me more comfortable accepting them.

Well what do you think made you uncomfortable in the first place?

I have no idea.

Well, there’s only one way to find out. We’ve got to get to the heart of the matter.

Oh, no! You’re not going to open me up like you did last Valentine’s Day are you?

No need to, today’s technology is more sophisticated. Ooops! I almost forgot.

Hey, look! There’s that nickel I swallowed when I was six.

Heart, speak!

It’s not that I don’t want to date again someday.

Well why are you taking your time? You’ve been moping around all summer.

Let the heart finish.

Thank you. I haven’t been moping, I’ve been healing.

Well the best way to heal is to get back on the horse.

Don’t play head games with me. I’m not ready to get back on the horse, I’m still recovering from the last ride.

Sabrina, its obvious what’s going on here. Your head and your heart are conflicted.

It's not my fault!

That dating spell caused your head to block out what your heart was feeling and that’s why you became misaligned.

Are you finally ready to consider my feelings?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hearts, always with the feelings.

Well I can’t go out just for the sake of going out. I’ve gotta feel something.

Well how will I know when you do?

I’ll give you a little thump.

Well, let’s see if that little talk did the trick.

I can’t believe it! Aunt Zelda, I’m realigned!

Course you are, you’re no longer blocking out the feelings in your heart.

I’m glad...but do you have anything to block out the stomach? I think that yellow tails starting to swim up-stream.

Hey Josh. Man, am I glad to see you. I’ve had the craziest day.

It couldn’t have been crazier than mine. Your aunt dressed me up like a giant cappuccino.

That’s nothing, you should see the time she dressed me up like a giant pina coloda.. It took me a week to get the coconut out of my hair.

I’m surprised to find you home so early. I thought you’d be out dating around.

Yeah. Yeah it’s so great when you meet someone you connect with and you don’t have to go on a bunch of pointless dates.

I think I’m beginning to agree with you. Whoa!

What’s wrong?

Nothing.

Oh, you and Morgan are...aw!

Are you sure you’re OK? Maybe I should call a doctor...

But we’ll be late for the movie.

Yeah, I’ll be fine. I should probably just cut back on the fries.

You do that. I, um...I guess we should get going.

Yeah. By the way, you look beautiful. It’s a great necklace.

Thank you, it’s mine!

I...I hope you don’t mind me borrowing.

Huh, it looks like I have no choice.

So, argh...I guess we’ll catch up some other time?

Great.

Bye.

You know, you have really stinky timing.

Oi! Aargh, two blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would have seen it.

I’m killing. No, I did want to apologies for being rude earlier. I guess I just had a case of new-job jitters.

Have you ever been on a job interview and they’re like ‘Well what was the reason for leaving your last job?’

Well I found that after I was fired, there was a lot of tension in the office. I found it difficult sitting on the new girls lap.

I once had a job as a receptionist. I was so nervous, I kept answering the phone ‘Hello, can you help me?’

Oh, I like that. Hey, why don’t you come up here so we can laugh at you some more?

No, in fact, why don’t we turn this into an open mic night?

If you’ve got a joke or a song? Anything that’ll pack them in here and get me that beamer.