Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 11 - Timmy Quits - full transcript

Can you believe that fits
38 sugar cubes in here?

And how much you'll give me
if I put all in my mouth?

- Nothing.
- You're on.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi, honey.
- Stop it.

All of them.

So, good news.

You know how we wanted
the Central Park birdhouse

- for our wedding?
- Yep.

They had a cancellation.
It's ours in two weeks.

Oh, wow, that's good news.



I thought you were planning
your wedding in your hometown.

We were, but that's when
the boathouse wasn't available.

- Now, it is.
- Oh, I love the boathouse.

Such a romantic setting.

You know what else is romantic?

The coatroom in the boathouse.

Don't act like you don't
remember that Bar Mitzvah.

Anyway, all I have to do

is call this woman Heidi
back to confirm.

Oh, Heidi!

Hope it isn't Heidi-ho.

Oh. Here we go.

Who's "Heidi-ho"?

This woman that Jeff and I
went to college with



who always had a thing for him.

Audrey thinks
that Heidi and I had a fling

before we started dating,
but we didn't.

I know that's hard to imagine,
what, with all of this.

Well, why are you so sure she did?

Because she would
openly flirt with him

right in front of me, touching
him, laughing at his jokes.

He's not funny.

So for our wedding, I figured...

You wanna know why?

Because we see her at a reunion,
she still flirts with him.

No, she doesn't, why are
we still talking about this?

Because you won't just admit it!

I'm not gonna take credit
for something that isn't true.

Oh, please.

You take credit for inventing
the word "supersize."

Hey, I heard a lot of people
start using that word

right around the same time I did.

So enough about us and our big day.

What's up with you guys?

♪ How many ways to say
I love you ♪

♪ How many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side

♪ There is no denying

Here's your lunch, sir.

Great.

Oh, hey, can you call
the manufacturer

of my fancy watch
and report a problem?

Oh, um, what problem is that?

Well, it says it's 12:37,

but that can't be right
because I know my lunch

is supposed to come
no later than 12:30.

I get it, I'm seven minutes
late with your lunch.

Perhaps you could've snacked
on your self-satisfaction.

So what happened?

Did you make some sort of detour?

No, sir, just a long line
at the deli today.

Oh, you didn't stop anywhere?

Not even that nerdy bookstore

with the vintage books you like?

The one that smells
like antique farts?

Um, you know, come to think of it,

I did pop into that shop...

Oh, okay.

But how did you know?

Oh, just...
Lucky guess.

I suppose so.

Hey, Tim, in the future,
maybe no more lies?

I mean, I don't lie to you.

I'd expect the same in return.

You do nothing but lie to me.

Oh, boo-hoo, Tim.

Go cry to your friends
at the fart store!

So Audrey's still upset
with that Heidi girl?

Yeah, you know, Audrey and I

have had a lot of fights
over the years,

but this is truly
one of her favorites

because she knows I can't win.

What?
Why can't you win?

'Cause you can't prove a negative.

- Sure you can.
- No, you can't.

It's like if I said "hey,
I heard that, one time at camp,

you touched another dude's wiener."

Well, Kyle's a liar.

- Wait, what?
- What, what?

Who?

Uh, nothing.

Oh.

Well, listen,
if you didn't sleep with Heidi,

you should have, because Audrey
already thinks you did

which supports my theory:

Never leave untapped
that which could be tapped.

It was never really an option.
She's just a flirty girl.

I mean, she was that way
with everybody.

Well, I believe you
because you're trustworthy,

and that's an important quality,

one that I like in my best man.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, no.

Yes, yes,
this is a tough decision for me,

but you're the two guys
who know me the best.

I don't know.
Kyle might know a thing or two.

No.

No.
It's gotta be you two.

You know,
as much as I hate to say this,

I really think
Russell's the man for the job.

- He's your boss.
- All right.

He took you under his little wing.

You know, but what I say is
that I think it might be Jeff

because he's been to the altar.

He's made the same mistake,
you know?

Yeah, I-I...
I was a...

I was afraid you guys
might fight over this.

Is that what's happening?

Well, that's why I prepared this:

A list of questions
to see who knows me best.

Now, whoever can answer the
most gets to be my best man.

Question one:

What is my middle name?

- Suckhole.
- Who gives a crap?

The correct answer is "Shannon."

Um, but Russell's closest
with the "s" guess,

so hey, you get the point.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Listen, I didn't know
if you were hungry,

so I got you a meatball sub.

Ate mine on the way home.

No, I already had dinner.

I was hoping you'd say that.

So just for fun,

I decided to check out
Heidi-ho's Facebook profile.

You seem happy.

How fat is she?

Oh, no.
She's not fat.

I am happy because of a certain
picture she posted.

Uh-huh, what am I looking at here?

That's you in college
without a shirt at a party.

"Where is your shirt?" You may ask.

Your shirt is on that girl
sitting on your lap

kissing your cheek.

She's wearing it.

So Heidi's wearing my shirt.

And kissing you!

- This proves I'm right.
- No.

It was probably cold,
so I gave her my shirt.

All it proves is
that I was a gentleman.

All it proves
is this fight is over.

I win.

No, it's not over.

It's far from over!

My God, my pecs were defined.

Oh, excellent draping, Felipe,

and thanks for remembering
that I dress to the right.

Well, well, well.

Lookie here.

What are the chances?

Sir, what are you doing here?

I'm not telling you anything
until you say,

"I'm a fancy
lad with fancy pants."

- No.
- Say it.

- I will not.
- Sing it.

- Negative.
- Think it.

Fine.

For the past few weeks,
you seem to know my every move.

The bookstore, the tailor,

how many times
I've used the restroom.

Yeah, what's with that?
You have a UTI or something?

Fess up, sir.

Did you install something
in my phone

so that you could track
my whereabouts?

In your phone?

- Well, that would've been easier.
- Easier than what?

Hey, a houndstooth handkerchief.

They still make these?

What have you done?

Uh, okay.

Remember when I made everyone
in the company

get a mandatory flu shot?

Well, you were the only one
that actually got one.

Why would you bring in a nurse
to give only me a flu shot?

Well, 'cause she wasn't
exactly a nurse.

She was a veterinary assistant
I was dating at the time.

No. Did...

Did you implant
a tracking chip in me?

I kinda did.

You actually inserted a microchip
into my body to track me.

Unbelievable!

You are an animal.

I'm not the one
with a pet chip in him.

Oh, no.

Don't.

Timmy, don't leave.

I'll know where you're going.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd the best man quiz go?

Oh, they both went 1 for 30.

Aw, that's not very good.

I know.
Tied for first.

This'll be tougher than I thought.

You know, I don't think I've
ever said this to you before,

but maybe
you're over-thinking this.

I do do that.

"Doo-doo."

Okay, why don't you ask yourself

who's been there for you the most?

Yeah.

Yeah, like, who would rescue
me if I was in danger?

That's not what I meant.

When the chips are down,
and my life is on the line...

I don't like
where this is headed.

You know, the only way
to really know

who should be my best man

is to see who has my back
when it counts.

Don't put yourself in danger.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

- Hey, thanks again, honey.
- Mm.

Great idea.

Hey, you ready for dinner?

I was thinking
maybe we could stay in.

Huh, we don't have any food.

Just have something delivered.

Come on.
I wanna go out.

Fine.
Let's go out.

Let me just take a quick bath.

Bath?
What's going on with you?

Aw, forget the bath.

Just get the door.

- Audrey!
- Heidi-ho... my gosh.

What are you doing here?

Well, Jeff called
and asked me to come over.

- He did?
- Yeah, yeah.

He did.

Audrey and I need you
to help us settle

a little disagreement
that we're having.

All right, okay.
This is all Jeff's idea.

Frankly, I'm embarrassed
he asked you over here at all.

Don't let her presence
embarrass you.

Let her words do it.

Now, Heidi, could you tell Audrey

the nature of our college
relationship in your own words?

Well, we were friends in college.

Friends.

So we saw each other socially
and nothing more?

Is that a fair assessment?

Yeah, I guess
that's what friends are.

Interesting, interesting.

- Your witness.
- Jeff.

Wait a minute.

Is that what this is all about?

Audrey, did you think Jeff and I
had something going on?

Well... no,
not when we were dating.

I just thought, you know, perhaps,

you two were an item
before we started dating,

which is fine.

It's not even any of my business.

No, no, we never did anything.

And that's not from Facebook.

That's from her actual face.

Well, honestly, you had
nothing to worry about, Audrey.

I mean, Jeff's really not my type.

Yeah.

He's really not anyone's type,
is he?

Damn, voice mail.

Jeff, Jeff, it's Adam.

Look, I was climbing my favorite
rock in Central Park,

and my foot got stuck, okay?

I need you to come help me
right away.

Please hurry.

I don't want to have
to cut this thing off!

Agh...

Adam.

"Ignore."

The race is on, gentlemen.

Timmy, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be
at 74th and Broadway.

I was there.

It's my doctor's office
where I had the chip removed.

Why?
It was such a fun game.

It was like "where's Waldo?"
But incredibly easy.

Sorry, but the fun is over.

Okay, look...

My lunch has been late a few times.

You know how I get
when my blood sugar gets low.

I turn into a bit
of a micromanager.

Micro!

And I implanted you
with a microchip.

That's wonderful.

All right, what's this?

It's my letter of resignation.

Oh, we have a company letterhead?

I didn't know that.
That's a good font.

Can I get a bunch of these?

I cannot...

- As I no longer work for you.
- Oh, come on.

This is the part where I apologize

and tell you to come back,
and then you say no,

and then you cave in.

We've done this a million times.

Can we not do it again?

Good-bye, sir.

Well, this is a new wrinkle.

Heidi, I am so glad you came.

Thanks for making it abundantly
clear that we never dated.

Well, it's hilarious
that you ever thought we did.

- I know.
- A real hoot for all of us.

Anyway, we will see you
at the next reunion.

Yes, I'm looking forward to it.

I'll walk you out.

Thanks.

Thanks again for coming.

Oh, happy to help, and
I think she bought it.

Yeah.
What did you just say?

I said, "I think she bought

that I wasn't interested in you
back in college."

I... I mean, you knew I was, right?

I did not know that.

Oh, my God.

Well, I mean, I saw something
was bothering Audrey,

so I played along, but I totally
had a thing for you.

Did you now?

Yes.
I thought it was so obvious.

I was always flirting with you
and touching you

and laughing at your jokes.

How could you not see that?

That's a good question.

As a matter of fact,
when you called,

I was kind of hoping
that's what this was about.

How about that?

There you go.

It was really fun seeing you.

Fun isn't even the word.

All right.
Go ahead.

Gloat that you won
the 20-year argument.

Yeah.

I win.

You know, after talking to her,
I feel pretty dumb

that I ever thought there was
anything between you and Heidi.

Yeah, well, there wasn't,

so let's just forget
the whole thing.

You know, I guess in my mind,

she was skanky
because I resented her,

but she's actually really pretty.

I mean, she's way out
of your league.

Right.

Movin'... movin' on.

Oh, God, she could not have
been less interested in you.

Yeah, I was here.

Boy, did we have a good laugh
about that one.

Okay.

Okay, you know, I didn't wanna
have to tell you this,

but if she's so out of my league,

then why did she just hit on me?

That's a good one.

No, she did,
right there at the elevator.

Said that she's always wanted
some of this,

and, you know what?

Still does.

Honey, she just sat there
saying the complete opposite.

That was all for your benefit.

Oh, ho, honey.

No, don't patronize me.

There's an attractive woman
out there who is hot for me.

Okay, sweetheart, you cannot
have this both ways, okay?

You just spent 20 years
trying to convince me

she wasn't into you.

You finally did!
You won!

Enjoy it.

I can't, I can't.
Not like this.

Heidi.
Heidi, it's Jeff.

Yeah.

Could you come on back up here,

and tell Audrey how you've
always wanted me and still do?

What do you mean?
How is that weird?

Hey.

So Adam didn't come home
last night.

Oh, you know what?

You should think
about chipping him.

He was waiting for you idiots,

and neither of you
were any help at all.

Don't look at me.
I didn't get a message.

Well, it didn't work.
He was at the park all night.

What was he doing in the park?

I don't know.
He's a dope.

Oh, my God!
You're freezing.

No, no, I've never felt more alive.

Why are you looking so happy?

I was watching the sunrise

or a bum drop a twosie
on the jogging path.

I realized something.

I realized you guys weren't coming,

but it wasn't
because you didn't care.

- It wasn't?
- No.

No, it was because you knew

that I had to figure this out
for myself.

- Mm.
- Right?

I mean, I'm an adult now.
I'm getting married.

I can't always rely
on my friends to bail me out.

No, you cannot.

You guys taught me that lesson.

That was the lesson

- that we were intending to teach.
- Yeah.

Listen, we were talking to Jen

about this whole "best man" thing,

and it's not fair that you have
to choose between us,

so what do you think
about having co-best men?

Seriously?

Seriously?

Bros, you have no idea
what this means to me.

Hey, I'm gonna buy
you guys breakfast...

Right after I thaw out my junk
under the hand dryer.

Hey, Timmy.

Tidying up the old work space.

I appreciate that.

It was looking
a little taj mahalian here.

Yeah, but I didn't say anything
'cause I'm the cool boss.

All right, are you still mad
that I chipped you?

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

I'm gonna make it up to you.

Congratulations.

You're getting that promotion
you asked for.

No, thanks.

But it comes with your own office!

Pass.

Pass.

All right, listen, a couple
weeks ago, I needed you.

Tried to get you on your phone,
you weren't answering.

I couldn't find you, and I...

And what?

You needed someone
to blow on your soup?

Apply your ointment?

Help convince
some unsuspecting girl

that you're Thirtysomething's
Peter Horton?

No.
Truth is, I panicked.

And I started thinking,
"I don't know what'd I do

if you weren't here."

You're about to find out.

Good-bye, sir.

Timmy.

Tim!

Come here.

Who's gonna help convince chicks

that I'm Thirtysomething's
Peter Horton?

All right, you guys ready
to go to the movies?

Uh, not quite.

Well, it starts pretty soon.

Oh, don't worry, you won't miss

the show biz celebrity
scramble quiz.

This time,
if the clue's "Indiana Jones,"

I know it's not Harrison Dorf.

All right, let's get moving.

Fine, let's go.

Let me just take a quick bath.

Oh, never mind.

Get that.

Adam.

Kyle?

What are you doing here?

I invited him.

Found him on Facebook.

Now, how do you two
know each other again?