Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 10 - Unpleasant Surprises - full transcript

I am so happy
you are letting me
do this.

Oh, come on.
You painting
a mural for the baby

is such a sweet gift.

All Jeff wanted to do
was put up some
Pearl Jam posters.

Well, Jen
is an amazing artist.

She was the face painter
at her nephew's
fifth birthday party,

and she painted me
a Bengal tiger.

It scared the crap
out of that one kid, huh?

(MIMICS GROWLING)

JEFF: I'm home.

I'm in the baby's room.



JEFF: Is there any chance
I'm gonna get some tonight?

The answer
will determine
my scotch intake.

Is this an intervention?

No, but we should
probably squeeze one in
before the baby comes.

No, Jen offered
to paint a mural on the wall
as a gift for the baby.

Oh, great, now I don't have
to spend any more money
decorating this room.

I am gonna go
pick up some dinner
for us, our treat.

And the universe
corrects itself.

So, Jeff,
you got any big plans
for this Saturday night?

(HUFFS)

What's the right answer?

Uh, no.

Sure, you don't.

(GIGGLES)



Okay, buddy.

You play it your way.
(MIMICS BEEPING)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

My way is walking away
from you right now.

Oh, what's with
the giggling,
Anderson Cooper?

Okay, I'm not sure
who that is,

but Jeff and the guys
are planning to throw me

a surprise
bachelor party Saturday.

How do you know?

Well, I've been
dropping some hint bombs.

And I overheard
Jeff and Russell

whispering something
about Saturday night.

Plus, this morning,
Jeff was by the elevator,

and he saw me coming,
and he went up the stairs.

Well, that all adds up.

(SIGHS)

I just don't want you
to be disappointed

if they didn't end up
planning anything.

Listen, honey, I know
the guys like to tease me

and draw things
on my face
when I'm sleeping,

but they're not gonna
pass up a bachelor party.

You know, I mean,
it'll give them a chance

to see me
act like an idiot.

A rare treat.

(CHUCKLES)
I know.

(GASPS)
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
do you think
they'll kidnap me?

I hope they do,
I've always wanted
to be kidnapped.

All right, I am going
to start painting.
I'll see you at home.

Mmm-hmm.
Bye.

(SIGHS)

I guess I won't
be seeing you
anytime soon, hmm?

Especially this
Saturday night.

(GIGGLES)

What is he, high?

No.

Maybe.
I don't know anymore.

I... (SIGHS)

What are you
planning for him?

When he nods off later,

I was gonna draw
a wang on his face.

You can drop the act.
He knows.

And I don't care
where you take him.

Just don't
leave him alone.

You know
how he wanders off.

Look, I'm not
married to you,

so I'm not required
to figure out
what you're talking about.

Adam overheard
you and Russell
making plans

for his bachelor
party Saturday night.

No.

He heard us making plans
to go to a movie without him.

Why?

Aw, you've seen
a movie with him!

"Who is that guy?"

"What are they doing?"

"Do you think
they're really doing it?"

I get it,

but he is absolutely sure

that you guys
are planning a surprise
bachelor party for him.

Well, we're not, so...

Surprise.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Okay, here's what's happening,
you thoughtless turds.

You are throwing Adam
a surprise bachelor party.

He is expecting it,

and I do not want him
to be disappointed
before the wedding.

That's smart.
Save it for after.

Zip it,
you albino smurf.

Now, listen.

For some reason,
Adam idolizes you guys,

even though
you treat him like crap.

I mean, did it
ever occur to you

to even throw him
a bachelor party?

To be honest,
I thought you guys
were already married.

I didn't believe
you were ever gonna do it.

I mean, you've been
engaged forever.

Yeah.
TIMMY: Yes.

As they say
in my country,

"Go number two,
or get off the loo."

Well, we are
getting married,

and you are surprising him
with a bachelor party.

Here are your itineraries.

Come on.

Vegas, cocktails, cigars.

I'm not seeing
anything I hate.

Yep, a little gambling,
steak dinner.

Jennifer, there's a...
(CHUCKLES)

May be a misprint.

There's no mention
of any entertainment.

Do we understand
each other?

You wanna see boobies?

Well, if you're offering.
Take five, guys.

Well, Ms. Morgan
has charged me

with finding strippers
who are, and I quote,

"Just this
side of nasty."

We'll stay on this side.

BOTH: We're gonna go
to the other side.

Hey.

Ready for
your guy's weekend?

Oh, as soon as Russell
and his manservant get here.

You guys,
I'm all done
with the mural.

Come take a look.

It's beautiful!
I love it.

Oh, I am so glad.

And since you're
having a girl, I worked
in some extra pink.

What do you think, Jeff?

It's the best mural
in the apartment.

I'm so happy
I could do this
for you guys.

All right,
I'm gonna go home

and make sure
Adam's ready
for his surprise.

Thanks again.

So, what do you
really think?

I like it.
Oh, why?

What silly thing
are you gonna
complain about?

Nothing,
other than it looks
like a giant penis.

What?
That's crazy.

Well, sure,
I could see, given
your frame of reference,

that you wouldn't
think this was giant,

but that's a wiener.

Okay.

Jeff, that does not
look like that, okay?

That is an adorable
giraffe, okay?

It has a long,
pink neck.

Oh, my God.

There you go.

No, come on
we're overreacting.

Nobody else
is even gonna see.

What's with
the monster rod?

Well, of course
Russell sees it.

He's a
disgusting pervert.

Hey, come on, now.

Well, that's fair.
Yeah.

(JEFF CHUCKLES)

What do you think,
Timmy?

There is something
vaguely phallic about it.

(CHUCKLES)
You're gay!

Sir, you just said
the exact same thing
yourself.

Yeah,
but my tongue didn't
roll out of my head

like a cartoon coyote
when I said it.

Look, when I go
over to get Adam,

I'm just gonna tell Jen
she has to paint over this.

No, you can't do that.
You'll hurt her feelings.

Look, I'll handle it.

Poorly.

What does that mean?

It means
that you will fail

at what
you're trying to accomplish.

I will not.

I can fix this
without making
her feel bad.

No, you can't.

You're not good
at things like this.

I'm great
at things like this!

This seems
like a private
conversation.

We should go.

Right.
Hey, did you hear that?

Timmy wants us to leave
so he can be alone
with the penis mural.

This is exciting.

I have no experience
kidnapping anyone.

I assume you do.

Well, a little
"He said, she said," yeah.

All right, let's do this.
TIMMY: All right.

You guys ready?
Mmm-hmm.

This is scary.

Shh.

Go, go, go.
Oh!

BOTH: Oh!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

JENNIFER: Oh, my God!
It's me, you idiots!

Oh, my God,
it's Jen!

(GRUNTS)

You didn't know?

What, so you thought
you were grabbing
Adam's boob?

Wow.
My goodness!

What in the world
could the three of you
possibly be doing here?

We're here
to take you to your
surprise bachelor party.

Bachelor party?

Oh, my God!
I am so surprised.

Well, it took
a lot of planning,
but we did it.

You guys are the best.

We really are, yeah.

Ready to go?
Almost.

Jen?

All right.
It is on!

Oh, you know what?
I should probably go
to the bathroom before we go.

Who wants to take me?

Aw, do they pipe in
the pee smell?

It's actually
made fresh daily.

Hmm, there's a gentleman
serving up a new batch
as we speak.

Sweet, dude. We're in
the conductor's car.

Hi.

You're doing a great job.

Gee, thanks.

Anyway, guys,
I am so excited
for Vegas, huh?

Yo!
Yeah!

Yes, it's gonna be
the best bachelor party ever.

(TRAIN SCREECHES)

ADAM: Did you guys
put the pillowcase
over my head again?

(GIGGLES)

So, Jeff and I
were admiring your mural,

which we love,
by the way,

but we noticed something
about the giraffe.

Princess Winky.

"Princess" Winky?
That's... Huh.

I always just thought
it was a boy giraffe.

Why?

Oh, I don't know.
There's just something
distinctly male about it.

Is that a problem?
Is there
something wrong?

No, no, no.
Sweetie, no, no, no!

We just thought
maybe Princess Winky
looked a little lonely.

Oh!

You mean, like,
fill in the space?

Yeah! Yeah.

Give the eye
some other things
to look at.

Oh, I could create
a whole jungle world.

Sure, yeah!
Add as much
as you want. Go nuts.

(SIGHS)
No, not nuts.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Ah.

Well, nothing
got more attractive
while it was dark.

MAN ON ANNOUNCER:
Attention, passengers,
I have an update for you.

The train that's stopped
on the tracks ahead of us
is still stopped.

That's not really an update.
It's just the same thing.

I'll keep you posted
as I get more information.

Yes, do you have
any more information?

I just said
that I didn't.

Well, that was
to everyone.

I thought maybe
between you and me.

You know what?

Why don't you just
go sit down and
blame me for everything

like the rest of
the subterranean cretins?

Sir, I could
never blame you.

You're a train man.

All right.

Just had a confab
with the conduc.

He's gonna give me
an update once
he's got more information.

Well, I hope
we get moving soon.

We do have
a flight to catch.

Oh, don't worry, Timmy.
We're gonna make it!

This is all part
of the epic
bachelor party story.

What about
the epic B.O. down here?
Is that part of the story?

Great idea
taking the train, Tim.

It wasn't his idea.

Oh, that's right.
This is all Jen's doing.

Jen?
What did Jen do?

Nothing.
Don't listen to them.

Jen forced us into
this whole stupid thing.

If we die down here,
I'm gonna haunt her so hard.

Wait.

Jen made you guys have
a bachelor party for me?

You had nothing
planned for tonight?

No, no.
We did, we did.

You and I were gonna
go to a movie, right?

Okay, look,
so it was Jen's idea,

but we're happy
to go gamble, and drink,

and look
at naked ladies,

and we don't mind
at all that you're here.

I can't believe this.

I thought you guys
were my friends.

Seriously, is there
a wet goat down here?

You know what?

Forget it.
I'm not going to Vegas.

Well, I don't think
any of us are going
to Vegas now.

I'm just gonna go find
another place to sit.

Oh.
Mr. Rhodes.

No, look, I don't need
you guys for anything.

Pull it
like the sign says.

Thanks.

Now, I don't need
you guys for anything.

I feel terrible
about Mr. Rhodes.

But what's the big deal?
We rip on him all the time.

That's what
he's here for.

No, I get
what Timmy's saying.

A bachelor party
is an important guy thing.

It's like a funeral
for the fun part
of your life.

And think of this

Mr. Rhodes actually
values your friendship.

Who else
can you say that about?

No.

I lull myself to sleep nightly
plotting your death.

MAN OVER ANNOUNCER:
Bad news, folks.

It looks like we are not
going to be moving
for at least one hour.

An hour?
(PEOPLE GROANING)

Yeah,
'cause it's my fault.

Well, that's it.

We're not making it
to Las Vegas tonight.

You know what?
We'll just make it up
to him next year.

It's not his birthday.

It's his bachelor party,
and I say we give him one
right here, right now.

That's a great idea.

Quick question.
Won't that suck?

Maybe, but we owe it
to the little goofball
to at least try.

I'll deny this
to his face,

but Adam's a good friend.

We should
do this for him.

I'm in.

I'm in too, mostly just
to stir up the air in here.

Yeah, now we gotta
get all the ingredients
for a good bachelor party.

I can find
booze anywhere.

That's great,
I can sniff out a girl
with daddy issues anywhere.

Timmy,
you're our tech guy.

Why am I the tech guy?

Look at yourself.

Yeah, okay.

Hands in.
"Bachelor party"
on three.

ALL: One, two, three.

Bachelor party!

(CHUCKLES)
He said it!

See, that's why
you're our tech guy.

Let's do this.

And then, it turns out
my fiancee made them
do the whole thing.

And, I mean, she did it
because she loves me,

and she's totally hot,
you know,

but I just wanted my boys
to be into it, you know?

Isn't that the worst?

Yeah.
Sucks to be you, buddy.

Thanks. I appreciate that.
Hey, I like you, man.

You got a business card
or something?

Mr. Rhodes.

Oh.

Hello, Timothy.

If you're here
to apologize,
you're too late,

'cause, as you can see,
I have a new friend now.

That he does.

Mr. Rhodes,
please come
and rejoin us.

Give them
a second chance.

Thanks. I already had
my hopes up once,

and they let me down.

Look, I've been
on the receiving end

of their barbs
and insensitivity
many a time.

They can be immature
and thoughtless
and often, downright cruel.

You know,
maybe I'll just stay here
with you.

(SIGHS)
Whatever.

You know what? No.
Please come back.

Trust me.

I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.

Okay.

Look, Spencer,
I gotta go.

Look at me here, okay?
This? This right here?

This is real, all right?

All right,
we've got two
bags of chips,

half a sub,
most of a pizza,
a dozen donuts,

and plenty of booze
thanks to my new buddies
over here.

Hey.

Oh, great,
ZZ Top and Brave's father.

Anyway, it was slim pickings,
but my keen senses

led me to the only
professional dancer
on the train.

Oh, hello!

She's not bad.
I'd watch her
shake her lady parts.

Oh, yeah.

All right, Mr. Rhodes,
you can look now.

Welcome to your
bachelor party, buddy.

We got food.
We got booze.
We got entertainment.

Oh, did someone
say "Light show?"

Tech guy, yeah.

You dragged me
back for this?

Because it's fantastic!

All right!
Oh, my God!

Hey, guys,
thank you.

Really?
Yes, yes!

I mean, you guys
really made an effort for me.

Check this out.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Timmy hooked up
Russell's tunes.

Get ready
to push 'em up.

MALE VOICE: Welcome to
Being Tall on the Inside,

a motivational book
for short statured men.

No, no, don't...

I know you were trying
not to hurt my feelings,

but I totally
got what you meant.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Open your eyes.

Oh, my God.

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Uh, what is the monkey
doing to Princess Winky?

(EXCLAIMS)
Riding her!

(GIGGLES)

See how much
he loves his banana?

Yes, yeah, he certainly
has a good grip on it.

What are those
two round things
at the base of the neck?

Coconuts. That's why
they're so hairy.

Of course.

Gosh, I think
this is some
of my best work ever.

I mean,
not to be cocky.

Oh.

You have
every right to be.

Lovely, right down there.
Enjoy.

Please, enjoy yourself.
Whoa.

It's five dollars
for dudes.

It's a sausage tax.

All right, all right,
lover boy,

you found
your queen in life.

Now, you just gotta
find this one, all right?

Keep your eyes on it.
Keep your eyes on it.

Uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh.

Where you at?
Bam, that one.

Oh!
Oh, man, again?

What, I haven't won once.

Hey, you're not
cheating, are you?

What?
(LAUGHS) Just kidding.

I trust you,
Sleazy Willy.

All right, now, it's time
for the entertainment
portion of the evening!

Let's get
our lucky bachelor up

in the seat of honor.
(ALL CHEERING)

(SHOUTS)
Put 'em down,
put 'em down.

On the main stage, we got...
What's your name again?

Helen.
We got Candy
on the main stage!

(ALL CHEERING)

Wait, wait, wait,
hold up.

What are you doing?
I thought
you were a dancer.

I am.
A tap dancer.

No, uh...

We were looking
for the type of dancing
that involves a pole.

Okay.

You are so talented.

You guys,
best bachelor
party ever!

BOTH: Ever!
(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

MAN ON ANNOUNCER:
Excuse me, folks,
I've just gotten the go-ahead

to start back up.

We should be moving
in just a moment.

(ALL GROAN)

Seriously,
I can't win with you people.

Hey, hey, bring it in,
bring it in, bring it in.

Hey, thank you.
Thank you again, guys.

I mean, you really
came through for me.

Hope you
enjoyed your party.
I did.

I did, but there's
only one thing

that could make
this thing better.

Whoo-hoo!

I'm driving the train!

I'm a train man.

Whoo!
Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Well, I doubted you,
but I have to admit,

you really
seem to have
taken care of it.

See?
I told you I'd handle it.