Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 6 - Baked - full transcript

♪♪♪

-Jeff.
-Hey.

-What's up?
-Not you, sleepyhead.

I'm doing a load of whites,
I need this top.

My Rangers jersey is not a top.

Fine, keep it on.
I'll do the sheets next.

You suck.

What's with all the morning
peppiness?

I'm just rising and shining
and greeting a new day.

Audrey, there's times I've literally
seen you give the sunrise the finger.

Well, that finger was attached
to old Audrey.



The Audrey who was going to a job
every day that was crushing her spirit.

New Audrey is excited to greet
every day of her bright new future.

New Audrey's not really working
for the old Jeff.

You quit your job a week ago.

What happened to taking it easy,
and soul searching...

-...and finding the meaning in life?
-I did all that yesterday.

Besides, I'm too excited to sleep in.

This is my new start,
getting stuff done.

Laundry, I, uh, changed all the batteries
in the smoke detectors.

That's what those are.

I thought those were bug zappers.

We don't have bugs.

I thought that was because
of the zappers.

Hey, there's something in this for you.



I made you a big hot breakfast.

You finally broke the factory seal
on that oven.

-Very funny.
-I'm not kidding.

Remember that time you baked and
the user's manual burst into flames?

Bacon, eggs, sausage,
and French toast.

Is that powdered sugar
on my French toast?

No, I crushed up
one of your cholesterol pills.

That's great, but keep it all warm.
I'm going back to bed.
And you're coming with me.

-Heh, no, Jeff, I have too much to do.
-I wasn't talking to you.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

♪♪♪

[ALLISON CHUCKLES]

Uh, you have got the most adorable
little cream cheese mustache.

-Oh, how embarrassing.
-Oh, don't be embarrassed.

I'll take care of it for you.

[ALLISON GIGGLES]

Oh, barf.

Every morning for weeks.

Do you know how much porn
I have to watch
to get that image out of my head?

-Even more than usual?
-Yeah, but who has that kind of time?

You know, I thought that, uh, tonight
we could perhaps take in a film.

Oh, no, tonight I thought we'd have
a candle light dinner.

You can make your quiche.

[CHUCKLES]

Or, perhaps I could grill up a steak.

Oh, I really wanted quiche.

-Oh, well, then quiche it is.
ALLISON: Mm.

[IN ALLISON VOICE]
Oh, and Timmy, after quiche...

...maybe I can tie a pink ribbon
around your nards.

And then we can store them
in a basket of potpourri.

Ah. Mock away, sir.

Your razzing of my relationship
is infinitely preferable...

...to the japes you've previously
leveled at me...

...such as little foreign
boy or cocoa nerd.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Heh, I'm cuckoo for cocoa nerd.

You know, being teased
for dating Allison...

...actually makes me feel
like one of the guys.

Well, you would be
one of the guys...

...if the guys were a bunch of horny
towel boys for an all gay cricket team.

Ha, that's just what I mean, sir.

Once again, my masculinity
has been expertly diminished.

All gay cricket team. Excellent.

♪♪♪

Uh-huh, that's great, Audrey.

So the heating guy
is coming on the 16th.

Good. So I've got about 24 days
to prepare for that.

No, I'm writing it down.

I am. I borrowed a pen from Adam.

Mm, all I have is a pencil.

My pencil.

JEFF:
Okay. I love you too, sweetie.

Oh, she's killing me.

I can't believe I'm married to someone
who's trying to find herself.

Jen went through a period
of trying to find herself.

She went vegan,
stopped shaving her legs.

Ah, I remember that. And she wore
shorts. She looked like a centaur.

Hey, that's my fiancée you're talking
about, okay? What's a centaur?

It's like a mythical creature,
half man, half horse.

Okay, we're good.

Women are out of their minds,
but we got to be nice to them...

...because they
control all the lady parts.

Heh, hear, hear. To women.
Can't live with them...

...yet life without them represents
an equally unpalatable alternative.

Am I not correct, dogs?

What's with the cocoa nerd?

Well, since he's got a girlfriend,
he wants in on all the guy talk.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, please be any other Audrey.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Audrey Bingham.

That's it. I'm done.
Finished everything on my list.

I didn't need to quit my job.
I could have just taken a day off.

Calm down. It's gonna be fine.

Really, Jeff? What am I gonna do
for the rest of my life?

I got some dry cleaning
that needs picking up.

I got it, Jeff.
I was there when they opened.

I helped the guy unload his van.

Okay, uh, you know what?
Calm down.

Why don't you just go down
to the basement...

...and, uh, get a start
on our storage locker?

Oh, yeah. That is a huge mess.
Yes, good. I can do that.

There's no cell reception in the basement
so no need to take your phone.

No, no, no. I use my phone
down there all the time.

Uncool, dude.

Bros precede hos.

♪♪♪

-Oh, hey, Audrey.
-Hey. Hey, wow.

That's a lot of wine bottles.
You guys have a party?

No.

You save up your recycling
for a long time?

No.

Hey, so you and Adam
drink a lot of wine.

Actually,
Adam doesn't really like wine.

So are you cleaning out
your storage locker?

Uh, yeah.

Ran out of anything else to do.

Seemed like such a good idea
to quit my job...

...but I got to find
some purpose for my life.

Don't put so much pressure
on yourself.

You know, it's like Oprah says.

Sometimes, instead of finding
your bliss, let your bliss find you.

You know what? You're right.

It's only been a little while.
I need to stop trying so hard and relax.

Yeah, relax. Have some wine.

♪♪♪

So I'm with that girl,
the one that I've been kind of....

[IMITATES BED SQUEAKS]

Yes, I believe
her stage name is Destiny.

Yes. Well, ironically,
Destiny was not meant to be.

So, uh, I tried to break it off
with her gently last night...

...but, of course, she threw a fit,
running alongside of the cab...

...pounding on the door.

Demanding a ride home
or at least directions back to the city.

Oh, not surprising, sir.
The ladies, they be tripping.

Take it easy, Arsenio.

You're trying to be one of the guys,
not one of the black guys from 1986.

TIMMY:
Oh, hello, there, Allison.

Mr. Dunbar and I were just enjoying
some spirited guy talk.

-Guy talk?
-Yes.

Yet another benefit of our relationship
is entry into the ribald fraternity...

...of men dissing on their females.

Heh, I'm sure Allison doesn't
want to hear about all that.

No, I would.

I've always wondered what boys
talk about when they're hanging out.

It is most amusing.
For example, at lunch today...

-...Mr. Bingham said of women that--
-Hey, wait, Timmy. Timmy

Uh-uh, no. You're not stealing
the punch line this time.

Okay, go right ahead.

He said, "Women are out of their minds
but we have to be nice to them...

...because they control
all the lady parts."

Ha, such rowdy, good humor.

You see, it's funny because
there's an element of truth to....
Did I say it wrong?

-No, Tim, you nailed it.
-Is that what you think of women?

That we're all crazy and that
we're only valued for our lady parts?

Well, the thing is, it's....

It's more the way he....

Mr. Dunbar?

Allison and I
are waiting for an answer.

♪♪♪

So you found
all my old stuff from college.

Yeah, it was in the storage locker.

It looks like you were into
some pretty cool stuff.

-My Chumbawamba CD.
-Oh.

Oh, my God.
You used to wear an earring?

That's a tiny Native American
dream catcher.

Wow, chicks at the Wamba Shows
must have gone nuts for that.

I did all right.

-Oh, it's Santa.
-You had a Santa bank?

Were you saving up
for the other earring?

Wait a minute. Could it be?

[GASPS]

Santa's holding?

That's why he's always so jolly.

Yeah, the one at the mall
did always smell like pot.

-We should get rid of it.
-Absolutely.

Of course, there's different ways
of getting rid of it.

What? You want to smoke it?
That's not healthy.

You're cranky
because we're out of wine.

Good point.
I'll put a towel under the door.

I'm gonna go throw on some Wamba.

♪♪♪

Hello, Audrey.

The sole breadwinner is home.

Hey. You want a cookie?

I come home and you greet me
in an apron with a plateful of cookies?

Look who finally cracked open
the suggestion box.

No, heh, when I was clearing out
our storage unit...

...I found something wonderful.
Have one.

You want me to eat a cookie
you found in the basement?

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend
your delicate palate...

...guy who ate loose Fritos
he found on the subway.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

Besides, I made these.

-Mm, tasty.
-Yeah?

When I was down there,
I found this old scrapbook...

...and there was a section
with my grandmother's cookie recipes.

Wow, that old racist
sure knew her way around a cookie.

Anyway, I found her recipes
and started baking...

...and everything felt right.

Whatever it takes to keep the wheels
from coming off the trolley.

Frankly, I thought
you were going a little nuts.

I guess I don't have to...

...worry.

[OVEN DINGS]

Any chance that's a roast?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

So, what's up with all the cookies?

After I found the recipes
and started baking, I got this idea...

...that this could be my business,
selling my gram gram's cookies.

I can start small just maybe one store
at first, and then we'll see how it goes.

-Wait, a store?
-Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

I went down into that basement
with no purpose...

...and I came face to face with destiny.

Russell's friend?

No, my destiny.

This is exactly the kind of thing
Oprah is always telling people to do.

She tells people to bake cookies?

And then what, send them to her?

No. She tells people
to follow their bliss.

And a cookie business
could be my bliss.

So, what do you think?

[JEFF SIGHS]

Start-ups are really tough.

Oh.

Start-ups are really tough
if you don't have a fantastic product...

...like these cookies.

-Really?
-Sure.

-Oh, isn't it exciting?
-Uh, good luck trying to calm me down.

[AUDREY LAUGHS]

Just to confirm it,
let's get somebody objective...

...to, uh, try them and tell us if they're
good enough to sell, you know?

Somebody who's not caught up
in all the excitement, like I clearly am.

Yeah. That's a good idea.
Oh, oh, oh, how about this one?

Gram gram's fudge dunkers.

Maybe we spend
another minute on the name.

♪♪♪

Okay.

-Now you feel mine.
-Okay.

-Okay. Yeah.
-Heh.

I get it now.

[LAUGHS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Uh, shh, just be cool.
Be cool. Be cool.

Ahem, hello?

What?

Are you kidding me?

Okay.

Oh, my God, the best thing
in the world just happened.

Audrey invited us over.
To eat cookies.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

♪♪♪

JENNIFER: Mm.
ADAM: Mm.

So, Jen, what do you think?

Are they as good as
Famous Amos or, uh, Mrs. Fields?

No.

They're even better.

[CHUCKLES]

It's like Mrs. Fields had sex
with Famous Amos...

...and these cookies are their babies.

She'll eat anything. She's like a goat.

Hey.

The question is,
would people pay for them?

Mm, I would pay any amount
for these cookies.

Mm, I'm serious.

Every cent I've got.

I would sell my kidneys
to kidney purchasers...

...and then use my kidney money
to buy....

What is this thing?

What are you doing?

Discouraging Adam
from selling his kidneys.

Jeff, I'm not an idiot.

My life would be so much easier
if you were.

If you didn't believe in the cookie idea,
why did you lie and say you did?

Because I'm your husband.

And I didn't want
to crush your dreams.

I figured I'd let dopey
and his goat do it for me.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm dopey.

This is great. Great. Great, Jeff.

I needed you to believe in me,
and now you pull this....

JEFF:
Audrey. Look, I was just trying to help.

The olds are fighting.

Bummer. Let's go home.

Or....

[JENNIFER GASPS]

Oh, I knew these cookies
had to come from somewhere.

You're just jumping into this
without thinking it through.

Well, you could help me
think it through.

Okay,
let's look at the pros and the cons.

On the con side, there are no pros.

I'm in finance. I know these things.

I see people fail every day...

...people much smarter than you
with better ideas.

Wow, you are the ass
beneath my wings.

I'm sorry that you're upset. I'm trying
to save you a lot of disappointment.

You know what?
There's not gonna be disappointment...

...because I'm doing this without you.
And you'll see.

Won't I feel foolish
when you make a fortune...

...selling gram gram's butt nuggets.

Go, go, go.

♪♪♪

[JEFF GROANS]

Mr. Bingham, you seem a bit down.

Yeah, why the square face?

Audrey's mad
because she's got this stupid idea...

...for this stupid cookie business.

And she's mad
because I called it stupid.

I don't know. People love cookies.

A lot of money to be made
in that game.

Well, it's worked out well for you
and your little tree trunk pals.

My sympathies, Mr. Bingham,
for I, too, now find myself...

...in the punitive quarters
of the doghouse region...

...of my old lady's regard.

[SIGHS]

Explain.

Well, Mr. One of the Guys, here, uh,
repeated your line...

...about women "controlling
the lady parts" to Allison.

Okay, look, see, I know that you're
all geeked up on finding a nerd mate.

You can never repeat
our stuff with them.

That's what keeps this whole
man-woman deal...

...from blowing all to hell.

Valuable info, that.
Thanks for the 411, broseph.

I've got to go take a walk
and figure stuff out.

Later, Kumar.

Keebler.

♪♪♪

-Hi.
-Hey.

I tried calling you but you accidentally
left your phone here.

Yes, that certainly was an accident.

-I am sorry about our fight.
-Me too.

I guess having all this free time
after 15 years of working...

-...has made me a little crazy.
-Well, no, not just a little.

I should have been more sensitive
about what you're going through...

...because, you know, you're my lady.

Ha, ha, I'm your lady?
Who are you, Kenny Rogers?

In many ways, yes...

...I am Kenny Rogers.

I know when to hold them,
I know when to fold them.

And I know when to go all in...

...and that is what I am doing
for your cookie business.

Oh, well, you don't have to.
I was grasping for something to do.

It's really sweet that you want
to support me, but, heh, I'm over it.

-You're over it?
-Yeah.

-You're over it?
-Hmm.

It would have been nice to have that
information about an hour ago.

♪♪♪

You leased a store for me?

Well...

...I was feeling bad, so...

...took a walk and, uh, the landlord,
middle eastern fella...

...was putting up a, uh,
"for lease" sign.

Oh, heh, my God.
I can't believe you did this.

Well, I wanted to make up
for not being supportive.

Of course, the key component of my
plan was you having an interest...

...in selling cookies.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, if it's any consolation,
sweetie...

-...I love you.
-It's no consolation.

This proves that you respect
and support me.

Well....

That is something.

They say you can't put a price
on love.

Actually, it's this figure right here.

♪♪♪

-Uh, just coffee.
-Nothing for me, thanks.

Ah, I can't believe
we ate all those cookies.

I may never be hungry again.

Ah, so our garbage
and old soup cans are safe?

Enough with the goat.

All right, don't ram me with the horns.

Yes, my sweet.

Okay, then, bye, Allison.

I tell you what.

Ever since our little guy talk snafu,
she just does not let up.

Peck, peck, peck, peck,
peck, peck, peck.

Timmy, I thought you were
into Allison.

I am. It's just the fellas here
have come to rely on me...

...for a little peppery banter.

-Not me. I, for one, find it--
-Shut up.

God. You know,
you are always so sweet and polite.

Don't let these cynical
man-apes ruin you...

...with their stupid, primitive attitudes.

Please do not become one of them.

Oh, you know what?
You're absolutely right.

Thank you, Jennifer.

I've erred, and I shall return
immediately to my former, better self.

Good for you.

[TIMMY SIGHS]

Well....

Looks like someone had an
extra helping of bitch this morning.

[LAUGHS]

All right. You got it.

♪♪♪