Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 24 - The Last of the Red Hat Lovers - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

-Hey, I just got the....
-Hey.

Why are you drinking beer
at 10:00 in the morning?

Uh, we are out of orange juice.

-No, we're not. It's right behind the--
-Beer.

I like beer.

Anyway, I just got
the estimate from our painter.

Oh, wow. How much would it cost
if we used paint instead of liquid gold?

He said it'll be done by Saturday.
But to avoid inhaling
all the paint fumes...

-...he suggested we stay in a hotel.
-Hotel? How bad can the fumes be?

Bad enough to cause brain damage.



How much brain damage?

Here I thought we could have
a nice, romantic night away.

Really? "Birthday" stuff?

Mm, maybe. If it's a nice hotel.

-Oh, you mean--
-Yes, Jeff.

I want a bathroom
right in the room.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Howdy, neighbors.

Hey, Liz. What's up?

I have a bit of an announcement.
I've come to the conclusion...

...that I don't need men
to have a good time.

Men agree.

Now, I'll admit, I did enjoy
that little rabbit Russell...

...thumping away on top of me.



But we all know he's a cad.

So I've decided
to become an empowered woman.

Oh, what does
today's empowered woman do?

Oh, all sorts of things.

Have you ever examined yourself
with a hand mirror?

Oh, say, uh, can you guys
watch my cats this weekend?

Especially Marty.

He'll need his eye sopped.
It's gotten all milky again.

And, oh, how he fights
those suppositories. Just....

Well, look, we, uh, we can't.

-We're, um, going to a nice hotel.
-Yeah.

Private bath...

Oh, sexy.

[CHUCKLES]

I look forward to the stories.

Err on the side of way too graphic.

[♪♪♪]

AUDREY:
Okay, here's the key to our place.

The painter will be
finished on Saturday...

...so we need you to go in on Sunday
and close all the windows.

Ah. No problemo, heh.

Don't touch any of my stuff.

-Ah, hey, losers.
-Hey.

Whoa, time has not been kind
to Dennis the Menace.

[ADAM & AUDREY CHUCKLE]

Dennis the Menace,
precocious rascal...

...adored the world over. I'll take it.

The big news is, I booked myself
on a cruise this weekend...

...and I'm told the passengers
are almost all ladies.

Anyway, I'd say
the chances of me dropping...

...ye old anchor this weekend
are pretty high.

-And by "anchor," I do mean--
-Yeah, we know what you mean.

Um, penis?

Yeah, we just gave this guy
a key to our apartment.

Wait, you're gonna be
on that cruise all weekend?

RUSSELL: Mm.
-Well, this is perfect.

Not for the women on the ship
who aren't strong swimmers.

No, he's not gonna be
in his new apartment...

...so we could stay there?

That's fine by me. Just don't get
any of your marriage cobwebs...

...on my furniture.

Well, what do you say, Aud?
It'd save us a chunk of change.

Yeah. Sleeping at Russell's?
Sure. Yeah.

We were just talking about how
it doesn't burn enough when we pee.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Russell Dunbar's office.

RUSSELL:
Ahoy there, Timmy.

This is your cruise director Russell
aboard the S. S. Intercourse.

Ah, the rare single entendre.

Heh, heh, heh.
Yeah, this is actually the perfect spot.

I'll be the first man the chicks see
when they come onboard.

Oh, I just hope there won't be
a stampede at the refund desk.

Uh, I already checked.
There's no refunds. Ooh, here they come.

Hey.

Hi.

[CHATTERING]

Timmy, what's going on?

These chicks, they're not young.

Actually, none of them.

-Timmy, why is this happening?
TIMMY: Oh, I don't know, sir.

Sometimes bad things happen
to horrible people.

Can you get online
and look up this cruise?

It's supposed to be filled
with red-hot ladies.

Oh, this is brilliant.

What you thought
were red-hot ladies...

...are in fact a group of women
known as the "Red Hat Ladies."

-What's that?
-Well...

...it says here that
the Red Hat Society gals...

...and I'm quoting when I say "gals"...

...are a group of fun,
frisky women over 50.

I'm sorry? Over 50?

Oh, my God.
I'm knee-deep in granny cranny?

Oh, sir, I had no plans
for the weekend...

...but now with the amount of laughing
I'll be doing at your expense...

...I find myself overbooked.

It's best I get started.

[LAUGHING]

Fix this.
Get me out of here, all right? ASAP.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING CALYPSO MUSIC]

Timmy, get me out of--

Timmy, call the coast guard.

Timmy! Timmy, save me!

[♪♪♪]

Wow, look at this place.

Wow.

Oh.

Have you ever seen
a more spectacular view?

JEFF:
I haven't.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

I know we make fun of Russell,
but I gotta say...

...this place is pretty classy.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
♪ My darling ♪

♪ I can't get enough ♪

Oh, I may have spoken too soon.

Well, we can judge him...

[IN DEEP VOICE]
...or we can share love...

-...and we can make love.
-Heh, heh, heh.

♪ Oh, some things I can't get used to ♪♪

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Say, how about champagne?

Oh, did you bring any?

No, but there's a bottle coming up
out of that table right now.

[♪♪♪]

[CHATTERING]

Oh. Yeah. Thank you, ladies.
That's great.

[BAND PLAYING
EASY-LISTENING MUSIC]

[PHONE RINGING]

-Hello?
-RUSSELL [OVER PHONE]: Hey.

These Red Hat loonies
are coming for me, Tim.

Well, put on your arm floaties
and swim for it.

I guess I'll just hunker down
in my cabin...

...and try to ignore
the sounds of breasts...

...dragging down the corridor.

-Sir, how old are these women?
-I don't know, 40, 90....

Let's be honest.
After 20, it's all the same.

I only ask
because it seems as though...

...they're only just a few years
older than you are, sir.

Uh-uh, Timmy, Timmy.
You're breaking up.

Ship's going through a tunnel.

[GROANS]

Oh, please allow me.

-Nicely blown.
-Heh, I get that a lot.

-I'm Silvia.
-Uh, Russell, heh, heh.

-Care to dance, Russell?
-Oh, no, thank you.

-I'm not much of a dancer, per se.
-Oh.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
♪ At first I was afraid, I was petrified ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side ♪

Although this is my jam.

♪ And so you're back ♪

Come on, get you some.

Yeah! Don't be shy. Get some of this.

Whoa, okay, gals. Do the dolphin.

♪ For just one second
You'd be back to bother me ♪

♪ Go on, now, go ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

Ah, the Binghams.
Join me for breakfast?

Why don't I sit here so you can sit
across from your lovely--?

Gee, I'm just wondering why--

-Don't want to look at him.
-Fine by me.

Hmm, well, then....

Elbows in when the eggs arrive, yes?

We had a fight
at Russell's last night...

...and, of course,
Jeff refused to apologize.

-I did apologize.
-You did not.

I did too.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude,
but I couldn't help but overhear.

But we could always
look at the videotape.

What videotape?

As one might expect from a perv
like Mr. Dunbar...

...his apartment is rigged with the latest
in video surveillance equipment.

Oh, that's disgusting.

And doesn't he have to tell us
if we're being taped?

Only if he releases it publicly.

In his employ,
I've become somewhat of a scholar...

...on this dark, dank corner of the law.

I'm glad that it's recorded.
Now we can settle this thing.

Yes, we can. Let's go to Russell's.

-Let's.
-Fine.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I don't know why Audrey asked you
to go with me.

I know how to open the windows.

You're supposed to close them.

I'm so glad you came.

JENNIFER:
Mm.

Wow, we've never been in here
without them.

-It's kind of weird.
-I know.

Hey.

You know what we should do?

I think I'm thinking
what you're thinking.

ADAM: Yeah?
-Heh, heh.

Let's go eat some of their cereal.

Uh, I....

I had a slightly different thought.

[BOTH MOANING]

But after this,
I'm gonna crush some cereal.

[♪♪♪]

[EXHALES]

[LAUGHING]

Very funny, Silvia.

Two husbands in the ground,
and you still know how to laugh.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, I've pulled up
the footage from yesterday.

JEFF:
There we are.

Ew. That's what we look like kissing?

I like my moves.

AUDREY: Oh, oh. Did you remember
to turn off the coffee maker?

And there it is.
Audrey derails the sex train.

JEFF [ON SCREEN]:
I don't know.

Oh, now, I'm gonna be distracted.

You know what? I just remembered.
I did. I did turn it off.

He so didn't turn it off.

You just said whatever it took...

...to get me on my back.

So the coffee pot is on.
What's the worst that happens?

We get home and there's coffee?

That's not the point.
The point is you lied...

...just to get what you want.

Always has to make a big deal
out of nothing.

You can't just let go
and have a good time.

Am I right, Timmy?

I'm really just here to work the remote.

Well, you wanna know
what his problem is?

It's not difficult. Play, pause, so forth.

He never cares at all
about things that matter to me.

Everything he says
is just designed to--

Get you on your back.
So you said, and I remember.

Um....

Let's try to focus on the apology.
That's what gets us all home.

Little later. Fast forward.

[JEFF & AUDREY ARGUING
INDISTINCTLY ON SCREEN]

You look like angry puppets.

[IMITATING JEFF & AUDREY]
"I'm mad at you." "I'm mad at you."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Just let it play then, shall I?

AUDREY: You know I need my mind
at ease in order to get in the mood...

...especially for birthday stuff.

-Birthday--
-Uh, let's just say I give him a cake.

Go ahead.

[JEFF SIGHS ON SCREEN]

Sorry.

Aha. I did apologize. Thank you, video.

That is not a real apology.
You did not mean that at all.

-I did too. What do you think, Timmy?
-Yeah, what do you think?

Oh, God. There's no way
this ends poorly for me.

Sorry.

Sorry.

-Sorry.
TIMMY: Look.

Certainly the monotone suggests
a lack of conviction...

...or even mild interest.

-Thank you.
-That being said...

...given what we know of Mr. Bingham's
limitations in voice modulation...

...I found the apology
to be quite earnest.

See? I'm a great guy.

[AUDREY SIGHS]

Uh, that's not what I said. I....

Nothing.

Hey, wait, roll that back.

You know, we wouldn't have
to keep going through this...

...if just for once you would....

[AUDREY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
ON SCREEN]

The video giveth...

...the video taketh away.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, look, Pearl.

You've been divorced two years.

We all know that Bernie's gonna do
what Bernie's gonna do.

I'm more concerned with Pearl.

WOMAN:
Okay, everyone.

Let's see those statement necklaces.

Oh, heh, heh.

That's right. Nailed it.

Huh? Huh?

How do you think it feels to know
every time I turn my back...

...my husband is mocking me?

A little better than
if I were to do it to your face.

Maybe that wasn't the best apology.

But look.

At least I don't do that.

Every time we get in an argument,
she walks out the room.

I was hurt, Jeff.

Excuse me for not wanting you
to see me vulnerable.

Actually, Mrs. Bingham...

...it may help him understand
if he sees you like that.

I'll switch to the kitchen cam.

-There's a kitchen cam?
TIMMY: Mm-hm.

[AUDREY GRUNTS ON SCREEN]

Whoa.

"Angry Birds," indeed.

[♪♪♪]

What the...?

Adam, I think we have a problem.

I know. This cereal is expired.

Is it first thing this morning,
or do I have until midnight?

No. I have paint all over my back.

Oh, my God. It must be from the door.

-Well, it's not too bad.
-No.

No. I can just get a brush
and smooth it over.

-I think we're okay.
-Is that the only spot?

-Where else did we do it?
-Let me see.

Okay, we started here, right,
and then we took it over here.

We brought it to....

Uh-oh.

JENNIFER: Is that--
-Yup.

That's your butt.

[♪♪♪]

So then the first cowboy says--
Heh, heh, heh.

"No, no, no. I said, posse."

[ALL LAUGHING]

What's the matter, Russell?

Don't you get it?
You see, "posse" sounds like--

No, no, no. I know, I know, I know.

It's very clever. That's a good one.

Are you having any fun?

Well, not the kind of fun
I was hoping to have.

And don't get me wrong,
you guys are great.

I mean, Pearl...

...if you were 100 years younger,
I mean, who knows?

But aren't there any young chicks
on this raft?

Oh, yes. Younger.

-Younger?
SILVIA: Yeah.

We got a couple gals in our group.

See, if they're under 50,
they wear pink hats.

Pink hats.

Well, okay.

Pink hats....

Aha. Okay. Excuse me, one second.

Well, hello, there, youngish lady.

Well, hello, Russell.

Oh, for--

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

--sakes.

[♪♪♪]

Well, maybe I'll just leave then.

Oh, yeah, thanks a lot.

-What?
-Your little video idea...

...just made things worse.

Look, let's not shift the blame to me.

Clearly you both have some
deep-seated resentments
toward each other.

-Yeah, we're married.
-And I could've done better. Go on.

Anyway, there's work to be done.

If you truly want
your relationship to grow...

...then you're going to need
to communicate better.

So I suggest getting out
those emotional shovels...

...and digging until you uncover
everything that needs to be said.

I'll leave you to it.

Wow.

-He really laid it out there, didn't he?
-Yeah, I guess so.

Quite a bit to think about.

[AUDREY SIGHS]

Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it?

A lot. Plus it's Timmy,
for crying out loud.

-What does he know?
-We've been married for 16 years.

I think we kind of know
what we're doing.

[IMITATING TIMMY] "I suggest
you get out your emotional shovels."

Yeah, shovel this, pal.

Idiot.

[JEFF LAUGHING]

I really must stop
trying to help people.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, thank you. Thanks.

So the upholstery place said
they can fix it by tonight...

-...but we have to get it there right now.
-But the cushions are sewn in.

We'd have to bring the whole chair
and it's big.

Hey, they got it in, we can get it out.

How did they get it in?

I don't know,
but we've gotta do something.

Okay, okay, let me just think
for a second.

[SIGHS]

JEFF [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]:
"Sweep your chimney for you, governor?"

[AUDREY LAUGHING]

ADAM:
Okay, how about this?

We put the chair back...

...and we cover the paint
with a Sharpie.

I mean, the way Jeff drinks,
he'll never know the difference.

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, I closed your windows,
just like you asked.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, it's so beautifully designed.

And the way the light flickers off it...

...I just hope I can do it justice.

Yeah, try to do a good job
on the necklace too.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]