Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 1 - Dirty Talk - full transcript

Hmm.

How is the French toast?

So good you'll think
you're in Paris.

Really?

Look, this is a diner.

We got an ex-con
back there

slinging
three-day-old bread
on a dirty grill.

(MOCKING) How's
the French toast...

She is not
a fan of yours.

She's jumping
on the bandwagon.

We've been there since
the beginning.



Friends, Mr. Dunbar
is right behind me.

Oh, please do
yourselves a favor

and ask him
how his cruise went.

Hey, if it isn't the cat
of Cirque Du So Lame.

Hey.
So how was your cruise?

Great!

How are you guys?
That's the important th.

Oh, how is
the new job going?

Wait, sir...

Are you sure there's nothing
more you wish to share

about your high seas
adventure?

Uh, oh, yeah.

Ran into someone
I used to know.

It's actually
no big deal.
Hmm...



Well, hello there,
youngish lady.

Well, hello, Russell.

Oh, for (FOGHORN BLOWS) sak!

Liz?

God, what a small world.

It's not that small.
Liz fits in it.

Anyway,
so that's my story.

Hmm, is it?

Nothing else
happened of note?

I told you this in conf.
You could be fired for .

I've long since given up
on that fantasy.

You know,
if you're not
going to tell it,

I'd be more
than happy to...

No, no, no.
Fine, fine, fine, fine.

I got it.

Okay, um,
after a couple
of mango-ritas, uh...

Liz and I got
into a classical
nautical argument

which there's
only one way to solve.

(BOTH SIGHING)

You were right, lover.

It was the motion
of the ocean.

You see,
the size of the ship
has nothing to do with .

Prove it
to me again, sailor.
Oh.

Permission to
come aboard?

Granted.

Oh, no thanks.

Can you wrap mine
to go, please?

Just throw mine away.

Well, that's the end
of my story.

Is it?

Is there not
just a skosh more?

You know how sometimes
you say something
you really don't mean?

Oh, I do.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

(HOWLS)

(APPLAUSE)

I only wish
I could have been there
to give you away.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

So you are married.

To Liz.

Our upstairs
neighbor, Liz.

With seven cats.

All of whose names are
on her outgoing message.

Yeah, I mean but listen.

We were so drunk,
it's not like it's real.

There's my hubby.

Look what
you bought me.

Here's the receipt.

Congratulations, Liz.

I'm sure you'll be
very...something.

Oh, yes, and we're going
to have so much fun
double-dating

now that we've each
bagged our bucks.

Okay...

Not here.

The guy who
mops up the vomit.

You might want to
keep him on standby.

Liz, we had fun
on that cruise.

That was a great time.

But this whole
marriage thing.

That's... That's just
a goof, right?

You mean a beautiful gof
that will join
our lives together

till the end of time?

I actually meant
the other kind of goof.

Anyway, I was
just at the DMV
getting a new license.

Notice anything?

That you lost 20 pounds
while you were there?

No, this.

Ah. You took
Mr. Dunbar's name.

Yep.
Elizabeth Kornblatt-Dun.

Wow, three names.
I'm like
Catherine Zeta-Jones.

In what way, exactly?

LMAO, Jeff.

Anyway, I've got
an ingrown toenail
that needs excavating.

So I will swing by
your oficina for lunch.

Okay.

Soul mate.

♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪

I cannot believe that
Russell and Liz
got married.

I know.

It's hard to figure out
who loses more.

Should we get her something?
Like some kind of baske?

Of what?
Antibiotics and ointmen?

Hey, Audrey.

Just going roof-side,
do some reading,
catch some rays.

Hmm. What're you reading?

Um...busted.

I'll see you later.

Jeff leaves,
all I get is a fist bump

and a warning to
avoid the bathroom
for a while.

Well, Adam and I have
only been together
for a couple of years.

Oh, no, Jeff and I
were only together
about six months

before he started
bringing food
into the bed.

Ooh, like whipped cream
and stuff?

No, like a hoagie.

One more thing
for him to finish
before me.

You know
what works for us?

Talking dirty.
Does Jeff do that?

God, no.
He's way too repressed.

Although one time
he did say some
pretty nasty things

when his hoagie
rolled onto the floor.

Hey.
Hey.

Whatcha doing?

Watchin' the tube,
thinking about
having a hoagie.

I have an idea
that might make you
re-think that hoagie.

You wanna
order up some wings?

No.

I thought maybe
we'd fool around.

Really?

Why not?

I don't know.

You're usually the keepr
of the reasons "why not"

And maybe when
we're doing this,
you could uh...you know.

Say some things.

What kind of things?

You know,
things about
what we're doing.

Oh, you mean
like sex talk.
Yeah.

Well...

You know
that I'm not much
of a talker.

So, how 'bout
we do our thing.

And then afterwards
we can have a brief Q&A.

Come on.

Let's mix it up a littl,
it might be fun.

All right, hey,
I guess I could
give this a shot.

All right.

(LAUGHS)

All right...
Here comes the sex talk.

Yeah, bring it.

I'm doing a little bit
of work up here...
on these.

As I'm sure
you can attest.

Yes, Jeff.
I can attest.

By the way,
you can loosen
your grip.

They're not
going to run away.

Got it, well,
the plan is to do a lite
more work up here.

And then
I'm gonna pack it up,
head down south.

Head down south?

Well, if north
is your head.

No, no, I get it.
I get it.

Maybe you can, you know,
be a little more specif.

Roger that.

My right hand is
on your right breast.

Well, my right,
your left, but I...

Okay.
What?

That was
a fun experiment.

That's wasn't
what you wanted?

No, no,
nobody wants that.

(SIGHS)

All right.

Would it be all right...
Yes, go ahead.

Hey.

What the hell happened
to you, Braveheart?

Well, I was tanning
on the roof

and I fell asleep
on one side.

Stupid sun.

Not sure it's the sun
that comes off as stupi.

I'm just gonna
tan the other side,
even everything out.

Solid plan.

Let me ask you somethin.
Do you ever talk dirty
to Jen?

Oh, yeah.
All the time.

Must be where
Audrey got it.

Last night she asked
for dirty talk.

From you?

Well, how'd it go?

Not well.
What do you say?

Oh, man, you say
all kinds of things,
you know?

I mean, I tell Jen
what I'm about
to do to her.

And then I want her
to tell me what
she's gonna do to me.

Using adult language.

Yeah, yeah, man.
She loves it.

Of course she does.
She's filthy.

But Audrey is my wife.

She's going to
be the mother
of my child.

Okay, Jeff,
you gotta get over that.

All right,
she obviously wants it.

Just say the dirtiest ts
that come to your mind.

Seriously?
Yeah, dude.

Dude, the filthier
the better.

Filthier the better,
I'll give it a try.

Okay, hey,
try it right now.

Pretend that I'm Audrey.

Okay...

Hey, Audrey,
why is your face
two different colors,

you dumbass?

Go into your office.

Why?

Just go.

Oh, hello,
man of mine.

Hey...

What's that?

What does is it
look like, silly?

It's a provocative photo
of your wife and kids.

I need to lie down.

Well, make it quick.

I've got a honey-do list
that's longer
than my left boob.

You know
about that, right?

Well, no.

Anyway, I'd love to sta,
but Tiffy's at the vet
with volcanic diarrhea.

That was
a fun cab ride.

So as they say
in Australia, good day..

Mate!

Timmy, you got to
use your giant brain

and find me
a way out of this.

I don't know how, sir.

I believe
once a marriage has
been consummated,

it's legally binding.

Wait a second.

Wait a second,
it hasn't been
consummated.

You said
you bumped uglies
on the boat.

Though,
with the two of you

that very well
could mean kissing.

I know we did it
before the marriage,

but after the ceremony
we both passed out.

There's my loophole.

Where're you going, sir?

To end this marriage.

(SIGHS)

It's gonna be tough
on the children.

But I'm sure they'll lad
on their feet.

Ah, it's a shame
no one was around
to hear that.

Ah, yes, mm-hmm.

What's going on?

Well, I was just thinkig

we could give
that sexy talk
another shot.

Really?

'Cause last night
you seemed kinda
uncomfortable with it.

Caught me off guard,
I've regrouped,

I'm ready to
take another run.

Okay.

Why don't you give me
a little preview.

Sure, and I'd like
to start by saying
that you, my lady,

are a...

What?

Oh, you like that.

No, god, no.
I hate that word.

Every woman
hates that word.

Why would you
call me that?

It was the filthiest thg
I could think of.

Adam told me
to go super dirty.

Adam?

You took advice
from a man who was
outsmarted by the sun?

You know what,
just forget it.

We'll just go back
to the pawing
and the grunting,

all leading up to
the hoagie eating.

Hey, you are the one
who said you wanted me
to talk dirty.

Jeff, I meant fun,
sexy dirty.

Not misogynist
with Tourette's dirty.

(KNOCKING)

Hello, Liz.
I think we need to talk.

You're late
for dinner, honey.

We waited
as long as we could.

Oh, yuck.

Kids...

Can mommy and daddy
have a moment?

Liz, um...

I'll get right
to the point.

I'd like an annulment.

No, you can't do that.

Actually, I can.

Uh, there's a loophole.

And it turns out
if the marriage hasn't
been consummated,

it can be annulled.

Oh...

This is a lot take in.

I'm gonna
make myself some tea.

Liz...

I'm sorry.

I know this is hitting u
pretty hard.

But I just think that...

Whoa.

Penny for your thoughts.

Oh, I know what
you're doing here.

It's not going
to work. Sorry.

We need
another loophole.

Oh, sir.

I just... I lose all col
around an attractive woman.

Uh, and how does that
apply to Liz?

Sir, that's my wife
you're speaking...

Eh, you're right.

You're right.
She looks like a potato
balanced on two bratwursts.

But damn it,
there's something
about that woman.

Sir...

I realize you're
attracted to her

in what seems like
a very Oktoberfest
kind of way.

But for God's sake
just talk to her.

I'm sure
she'll be reasonable
if you tell her firmly

and decisively
that you want out.

Yeah...

You know what,
you're right.
That'll work.

That'll work
as long as I can resist
having sex with her.

You can do it, sir.

Of course I can.

Just in case,
I'll pound one out
in the cab on the way o.

(SIGHS)

Look, I'm sorry
for what I said,
I just--I love you.

If this dirty talk
is something you want,
I want to do it.

You really
don't have to.

But I want to,
you sexy piece of wife.

All right,
I see you're not
going to let this go.

One last try.

Great.

Maybe you could help us
get started.

Okay.

Just take a deep breath
and just try to let go,
okay?

There you go.

What about this?

You are so damn sexy.

Mm, good.

What else?

Mm...

Well...

No, no, no,
just whatever comes
into your head.

Just say it.

There's no way in hell
your parents

are staying with us
this Christmas.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Russell?

That's right, it's me.

Why are you wearing
a sleep mask?

Because, Liz,
I came here to
lay down the law,

and I don't want any of
your visual distraction.

Well, that's a shame.

I just got back from Ta,
and I'm rocking a sheerp

and a sensible
new brassiere.

Really?

Nope!

No, I've gotta be stron.

And here's the deal.

Liz, I don't want to
be married to you
anymore.

And I'm sorry,
I know that stings.

But I want you to
grant me a divorce
right now.

No, no,
the lamp stays here.

What're you
talking about?

I was just talking
to the movers.

Now go on,
what were you saying?

I'm saying I'm putting
my foot down.

This is a sham,
obviously we made
a mistake...

What movers?
You're moving where?

In with my hubby,
silly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.

No, no, guys,
no one's moving
anywhere.

This has gone on
long enough.

Listen...

Oh, that is sheer.

You, uh...

Give my best
to the missus.

(SIGHS)

Again, I'm sorry
about the other night.

The thing
about your parents
just slipped out.

Is that really what's
on your mind when
we're having sex?

Well, to be honest,
sometimes I think
about your parents

to make it last longer.

Seriously, I don't
get the appeal of
talking during sex.

Well, I guess
it's not for everyone.

But Jen and Adam seem
to like it.

My God, you look
like a lobster.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
In what way?

All right, just come hee
and let me put
some aloe on it.

No, no, no, no,
touching it
is going to hurt.

I'm in so much pain
already.

Don't be such a baby.

It's supposed to
cool you down.

Ah! Stop!

Stop.
That hurts like hell.

Ah! Be careful!

Stop squirming!
Just shut up and take i!

Just do it fast.
It really hurts.

Well, if you don't rela,
it'll hurt even more.

Tomorrow, you won't be
able to walk.

I don't get it either.

Jeff!