Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - Mr. Fix-It - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Well, that is it.
It's not my apartment,

it is officially ours.

The closet and drawers
are all divvied up.

Mm-hm. And I think
the 80/20 split is very fair.

Uh, you...

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
Me.

When you proposed,
you knew I was a girl.

Oh, yes, I did. One of the
things I love most about you.

Mm, mm.

Hey, why don't you
put the clothes you're wearing



into one of your drawers?
Oh, and why don't you

put the clothes you're wearing
into one of your drawers?

Because my drawers
are in the kitchen.

But-- But maybe we could
use this shelf

if we find somewhere else
to put this.

Oh, I forgot I had that.

My dad gave it to me. He wanted
me to document my valuables.

But this is, uh, interesting.

How so?

Well, we were gonna,
you know,

and then you found
this video camera.

You want to document our
valuables before we do it?

No.

Oh, I get it.



[LAUGHS]
I mean, you really want

to videotape us?
I don't know. What do you think?

I-- I think lights,
camera, sexy action,

you know?
[GIGGLES]

This will be great because I can
watch it when you're not here.

Adam Rhodes, I did not know you
were such a dirty little perv.

Ooh, surprise.

Okay, but I don't want
anyone to know that we did this.

Of course.

Unless some funny blooper
happens,

then we send it
to that home videos show.

Yeah, I mean 10 grand
is 10 grand.

Good. And now
I won't have to imagine

you doing those
provocative yoga poses.

You imagine me doing yoga?

Oh, yeah, honey.
You, stretching,

black spandex, like a cat.

Meow.

Like a silent cat.

All right, press record
and get in bed.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Yeah, I heard what the German
and the fed said

but I don't think
we have to overreact.

Look, I'd love to, uh,
discuss your portfolio with you

for another hour, but I'm
just stepping into a meeting.

[CAN HISSES]

Uh, my secretary
just opened a beer can.

There goes, uh,
her 30-day chip.

So I gotta go.

All right, bye.

[SIGHS]

Oh, hey, hon.

We're out of those
pretzel nuggets

with the peanut butter inside.

Oh. So annoying.

Tell me about it.
I stick my hand in the bag...

Nothing but nugget dust.

I'm sensing your irritation
is not nugget-related.

What's the matter?

It's-- It's nothing.
Just forget it. Forget it.

Ten years ago, I would've
fallen into that trap.

Come on, bend my ear.

Okay, when you say "hi"
to someone in an elevator,

how should a normal person
respond?

Oh, the woman
with the purple hat?

Again. I say "hi" to her,
I get nothing back.

You know, last week I even held
the elevator door

so she could make it on.
Still, silence.

Look, maybe she's deaf.

She's not deaf.

She's just rude.

You can be both.

In college I had this really
obnoxious blind friend.

Look, why do you care if
a stranger talks to you anyway?

I don't even care if people
I like talk to me.

Well, I'm not you.

I'm glad you're not.

If you were, that would make me
gay for myself.

Right?

Look, I know it's stupid

and it shouldn't bother me,
but it does.

And that bothers me.

All right, you want me to talk
to her? I'll talk to her.

Boom, problem solved.

No, no boom.

No, I don't want you
to talk to her.

Ah.
Then what do you want me to do?

Nothing, I--

You know how I always tell you

I don't need you
to fix everything?

This is one of those times,
okay?

I just need you to listen
and understand.

I don't understand.

After 12 years of marriage,

I would think you would
get it by now.

I would think by now you would
get that I don't get it.

You know, Dian Fossey
had an easier time

communicating with apes.

I'm sure Dian Fossey didn't
complain to the apes

that the villagers
didn't say "hi" to her.

You know, I am so glad
I shared with you.

Give me another chance.

Give me another chance
to listen and understand.

Go ahead,
bitch about something else.

Ha-ha-ha. Wow.

Thank you. Thanks.

Purple-hat lady is no longer

the most annoying person
of my day.

I hear you

and I understand.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[CHORTLING]

Hey, I found you.

Where's my pot of gold?

OS. That's text talk
for "one second."

[DIALS]
Oh, yeah.

She liked that one.

[GIGGLES]

Who is she
and what are you doing?

Uh, this is text dating.

It's when you text a woman,

then you decide who you want
to meet face to face.

Isn't it easier to meet a woman
the old-fashioned way?

Oh, conk them
over the head with a club

and drag back to cave?

How well do you think
you'll text

with that thing
lodged in your colon?

Well, it's got Bluetooth,

so it gets reception anywhere.

I'm liking this one.
She's smart.

She laughing at all me jokes.

LOL: laugh out loud.

[LAUGHS]

Dude, this thing is great.

When I'm getting to know a girl

she can't see me yawning.

Maybe I should
get Audrey one of those.

Ooh, trouble in scare-adise?

Yeah, she's mad at some woman
in the building.

I wanted to help fix things,
she didn't want me to.

When she's upset,
I gotta do something.

You want my advice?

I already know
how to download porn.

Here's what you do:

When Audrey gets mad at you
about something,

you get even madder
about that same something.

Why?
Because it disarms her,

turns the tabes,

then suddenly
she has to calm you down.

Food for thought.

Well...

Now food for belly.

Oh, no, she's getting nasty.

[CHUCKLES]

A little privacy, sir.

Oh.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay.

Time for the world premiere
of our sexy sex tape.

Oh.

And I have a feeling
there's gonna be a sequel.

Oh, it's already
in the works.

Mm.
Mm.

[GIGGLES]

And here we go.

[JENNIFER LAUGHING]

Is it just me,
or is this not hot?

It's a lot of things.

Hot is not one of them.

I'm just laying there
like a lox.

And what--? What is--?
What is that face I'm making?

Am I--? Am I crying?

We are not tan.

I should be at the gym.

All the time.

Don't we make any noise?

Move! Do something!

Oh, not that!

Turn it off!

Uh, okay. It's off.

Wow.

Maybe the problem's
the lights.

Yes, they were on.

All right,
so should we just move

to the "having sex now" part?

Yeah, I mean,

maybe that will help us
forget what we just saw.

It's too soon.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, what's up?

Game. Baseball. Close.

Ninth inning.

Hey, you remember
Trish from work?

We just had
her going-away party.

It was so much fun.

Uh-huh.
Oh, I know.

She's moving to Tampa
to be near her mom,

but she's my closest friend
there,

so it's a little upsetting.

Upsetting? You're upset?

Yeah.
No, no, no.

Don't be upset. Uh...

I'm sure she'll say "hi" soon.

Were you even listening to me?

Yeah, I was listening.

And, uh... I'm mad.

At what?
At what you're upset about.

Trish?
Yeah, where does she get off?

I'm steamed as hell at her.
I'm madder than you are!

Why?

Because of what she did
to upset you.

I mean, come on!

Trish is moving to Florida

to take care
of her dying mother.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you
what I'm mad at:

The doctors who are
just giving up on her.

I mean, come on.

What--?
What are you doing?

Getting madder than you.

Trying to turn the tabes.

Every conversation with you
is-- Is a new adventure.

I know that you're mad at me,

but not half as mad
as I am at myself.

I mean, what kind of stunt are
you trying to pull here, Jeff?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Russell, let me--
Let me ask you something.

Uh, I'm busy, son.

Have you ever videotaped
you and a girl having sex?

Why, yes I have.
Why do you ask?

No, I'm just--

I'm curious what
homemade stuff looks like.

You know, probably all
pretty bad, right?

Wrong.

Check out my work.

Oh, whoa, whoa, I don't--

I don't wanna see that.

What?
It's very tastefully done.

Okay.

Oh, good God!

Oh, starting now.

Well, it's good quality.

Yeah.
Pretty small, though.

Ah, she has big hands.

I--

I meant the screen is small.

Oh, the screen is small.
Yeah, it's tiny.

Um, so, what's the deal?

Are you and Jen
thinking about making a

[WHISPERING]
sex tape?

Oh, dude, you already made one.

Nice. Did you go Hilton
or Tommy Lee?

Uh, what?

With the camera.
Did you go tripod or hand-held?

Oh-- Oh, uh,
a little of each.

Oh, good work,
Martin Scor-sleazy.

So when can I come
and check it out?

You can't.

Oh, Jen's uptight about it.

You know what, I'll watch it
at home. What's the website?

There's no website.

You know, and if Jen finds out
that you know,

I'll tell everyone about
your calf implants.

Ah! Shh!

We understand each other.

Yeah, all right.

No, we just--
We just, you know,

wanted to do something
to spice up our love life,

but it-- It's bad, man.
I mean, it's very bad.

I can't get it out of my head.

Yeah, you know, the key to a
good tape is that it's a movie,

not a play.
Okay.

First you make love
to the camera,

then the woman.

Then the other woman.
Then bring your friend--

Okay.

Okay, yeah, I get it.

Suit yourself.

Check out how cool this is.

I tap on her naked body and
all her contact info comes up.

Ha-ha!

Cool.
Isn't that cool?

Hey, guys.
Hey.

Listen, I finally set up
a face to face

with that chick that was LOLing
at all my text messages.

I think there's
a connection there.

Oh, good, good.
I hope it works out

better than that advice
you gave me.

I tried that getting-madder-
than-she-is thing.

It totally backfired.

I have no idea what to do now.

[GROANS]

Just run, dude.

Why do I keep listening
to your advice?

It's like those people who keep
calling the Three Stooges

to fix their plumbing.

They never make it better.

Hey, have, uh, you ever made
a sex tape with Audrey?

No.

It was, uh, bad enough

watching us dancing to Wham!
on our wedding video.

Hey, check out the one
Russell made.

Ah.

That's nice.
A little girl on girl.

That's Russell.

I'm sorry.
It's just so small.

It's the biggest screen
they make.

I wasn't talking
about the screen.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Sex tape? Why are you
watching that again?

I'm trying to learn from it.

The same way I study a tape
of my golf swing

to try to improve it.

I-- I-- I gotta
rotate my hips more.

We are not talking
about golf here.

You're thinking about it
too much.

Sex should be spontaneous
and fun.

Before we made this tape,

we were doing it
here in the living room,

up on the roof,
at that boring bar mitzvah.

Yes. Yes, two of us
became men that day.

Well, where is that man now?

He is right here, honey!

Come on, let's do it!

Damn it!

You shanked it.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[DINGS]

Hey.

Hi.

You own a purple hat,
don't you?

Yes, why?

Look, you don't know me,

but I was wondering
if I could ask you a favor.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

[SNICKERS]

Hey, Russell.

Care to join me?

Don't beg.

Hey, where's Adam?

He's at the apartment
watching a movie

that I've already seen and hate.

Movie, huh?

Was this an, uh,
indie or a major mosh?

It doesn't matter.

No, no, it does.
I'm a bit of a cinephile.

Tell me about it.
What's the plot?

How does it end? Happily?

Why are you here?

I'm meeting my text date
for the first time.

We really get along well,
she gets all my jokes.

And I just hope grill-wise
she's, you know...

[WHISTLES, CLICKS TONGUE]

Oh, because you're so,
you know...

[WHISTLES, CLICKS TONGUE]

Exactly.

Oh, is that her?
Oh, that better be her.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Jill?

Ha-ha. Russell?

Hey! Over here.

Oh, she's coming over.
Beat it.

It's my booth.

All right, well,
I'm 31 and I race cars.

Hey.

Ah, nice to see you
in person.

And send.

[BOTH LAUGH]

LOL.
Ah, ha-ha.

Nice to meet my LOLer
in person.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, this is my friend's
fiancée, Jennifer.

Hi. I love your purse.

[GIGGLES]

JENNIFER:
Oh.

Do I have something in my teeth?

[LAUGHING]
No.

All right,
why don't we sit down?

[LAUGHING]
You're funny.

Well, sometimes,
but not that one.

[LAUGHS]

That one either.
[SHRIEKS LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHING]
I'll go hang up my coat.

She laughs at everything.

I know, what a drag.

I thought I was special,

but she even laughs
at stuff that you say.

I'm funny.

No, I know.

You know what?
In my mind, she was perfect.

Some things are best left
to the imagination.

That's true.

You know,
you just gave me an idea.

So, uh, how are you gonna
get rid of her?

Actually, I'm still gonna
try to sleep with her.

That ought to do it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I appreciate you
accepting my apology

for all of my
recent behavior.

Come on, I know you mean well.

And I appreciate you
doing the dishes.

And I really loved
that foot rub.

Oh, and the flowers didn't hurt.

Well, the bill did.
I mean, they're just flowers.

So they'll be dead--
Don't undo it.

Sorry.

Part of my apology,
you get to choose the movie.

Oh, uh,

we could see
the Jane Austen movie at 7:15.

And you could
see me sleeping at 7:20.

You just said
I could pick the movie.

You're right. Jane Austen it is.
Forbidden love and bonnets.

Awesome.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[LAUGHS]

Oh. Hi.

Oh. Hello.

There, happy now?

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm not happy.

You made her say "hi" to me?

[SIGHS]

I was just trying
to fix the problem.

I specifically
asked you not to.

When my wife is upset,
I gotta do something.

You don't take your car
to a mechanic,

tell him what's wrong and then
say, "But don't fix it.

Just listen and hug me."

You know, I should be able
to share things with my husband

without worrying he's gonna
go do something crazy.

Or you could be more amused
when he does something crazy.

Let's not forget
about the beautiful flowers,

one of which is already dead.

Okay.

Honey, I just want to be able
to move on from this

knowing it's not
going to happen again.

It won't. Trust me.

It might.
I know.

I'm sorry. Look, I'll, uh,
keep trying to do better.

All right, you keep trying
to do better

and I'll keep trying to remember
the man I married.

Mr. Good Intentions,
Lousy Execution.

Hey, you're right
about that woman.

A stranger says "hello,"
you say "hello" back.

It's what separates us
from the French.

[LAUGHS]

Couldn't agree more.

At least one good thing
came out of all this.

What's that?

We've blown
the Jane Austen movie.

Oh, there's another showing
at 8.

Awesome.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay.

Adam, if you're watching this,

it means you're still obsessed
with the damn sex tape.

But I've recorded over it,

because instead of the reality,
which is so harsh and pasty,

I think you need
a little more fantasy.

Oh, Downward Dog.

Into Chaturanga.

Hey.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything,

but I could use
a little help stretching.

We are back!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[GROANS]

Well,
that was the last room.

Now the apartment's
officially ours.

Wait a minute.

That was my drawer.
Did you take one of my drawers?

Yeah.

When?

When I was on top.

So is this how it's gonna be
for the rest of my life?

Uh-huh.

Do you want another drawer?

Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]