RuPaul's Drag Race (2009–…): Season 12, Episode 9 - Choices 2020 - full transcript

RuPaul: Previously,
on RuPaul's Drag Race...

You need to create a product

for a new Drag Queen
lifestyle brand Droop.

Action.

-The Magic Mullet!
-[laughs]

-Aah!
-[laughs]

It's the high energy,
high-belting bitch

from Season 12.

Jan-tastic!

You're coming off
very intense right now.

Widow Von'Du.



I needed
a whole lot more funny.

-Jan.
-It started at 100,

and stayed there the whole time.

-Heidi.
-It was so funny

and so much fun to watch.

Con-drag-ulations.

You are the winner
of this week's challenge.

[applause]

Widow Von'Du,
shantay you stay.

Jan, sashay away.mirror

Oh, shit.

Child. Oh, Jesus.

Children, children, children.

Well, there you have it.



Jan has been eliminated
from the competition,

and this is hard.

But I said it before.

It's, like, if I have to
lip sync for my life,

that bitch better be ready

to go back to wherever
the fuck she came from.

"Stay humble, grateful,

and remember, you're on
RuPaul's Drag Race."

-Oh.
-[laughs]

To be here was I know
a dream come true for her.

Every day was a bliss to her.

She was always so happy
and chipper.

I'm, like, girl,
why you so happy every day?

Especially early in the morning.

Early in the goddamn morning.

Whoo! Yeah!
We're gonna do it, you guys!

We're on Drag Race!
How fun!

Yes!

If a robot and a Barbie

and a cheerleader
all had, like, an orgy,

and then, like, they made
a robot cheerleader baby, bitch,

that would be Jan.

I want to congratulate
your country ass...

-Way to go, baby,
-Thank you.

...on winning
your first challenge.

Now, bitch, you can no longer
say you ain't got no money.

She can afford stuff now.

You are now a thousand-aire.

Oh, bitch,
I got money now, honey.

Oh, my bank account
went from 33 cents

to $5.000.33. Oh!

How are you feeling, Miss Goode?

Um, I don't know.

I feel like I went from a 10
to a 1 real quick,

and I think it was because

I definitely
went into this challenge,

you know, being, like,
"I won the last challenge.

"I'm gonna win this one.

I'm so excited."

Gigi? Cocky?

I would have never guessed.

[laughs]

Sometimes you have
to learn the lesson,

like, trust your instincts

and know that
whatever you decide to do,

you're just
gonna follow your mind.

My daddy used to always tell us,

he said, keep your ass right,
and your mind--

Keep your mind right
and your ass will follow.

Keep your ass right
and your mind will follow.

Hit the music.

I needed my dream
to almost be crushed

for me to realize
how important it is.

I was, like, if I don't
step this game up now, honey,

there's not gonna be a game
to step up anymore.

I got a new lease on life.

I got another golden ticket
to be here.

And as much as I love you,
Kansas City...

You ain't gonna see me just yet.

RuPaul: The winner
of RuPaul's Drag Race

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics

and a cash prize of $100.000.

With our extra-special
guest judges

Rachel Bloom
and Jeff Goldblum.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

♪ May the best woman ♪

♪ Best woman win ♪end act

We're down to seven.

Top seven.

Top seven.
It's a new day in the werkroom,

and my name
is Heidi Hydrates.

I think the girls are saying,

oh, she's finally got a win
under her belt.

She might be feeling
a little confident now.

But I'm just
the same old country gal

I've always been.

We are literally at almost half
of what we started with.

I mean, I will say five
of the original first seven

are still here.

Here we are.

I love how
she's putting her hand up,

but I think
you were in the bottom.

-Ooh!
-Oh.

But you were, too.

For the first time.

Same.

But you've been flat-lining,
Mother.

Oh, honey, where's
that shady rattlesnake?

Can y'all run that
over this right here?

[exhales] That one.

Hello, hello, hello!

Hello!

Yes, she looks gorg.

Ladies, America's
next drag superstar

needs to make sure
her pussy is on fire 24/7.

-Uh-huh.
-Yes.

So for today's mini-challenge,

you're auditioning for
the title of...

Kitty Girl 2020.

[all laugh]

♪ Okay ♪

Sponsored by PrettyLitter.com,

the health-monitoring
cat litter.

Meow!

Now, you've got 15 minutes
to get into quick cat drag.

Ready, set...

[hiss].

Go, girls!

I'm not wearing the right kind
of underwear for tucking.

[gasps]

Underwear? What's that?

Ladies, time's up.

Here, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty.

[meow]

Hi, kitty cat.

Nice meowtch-fit.

Thank you. My owners
really liked my unique style,

so they rescued me
from the pound, and...

Now I get, like,

five million hits
on my sleeping videos.

Are you Grumpy Cat?

No, I'm Mad Cat.

[laughs] Oh.

-Do you mind?
-No, make yourself at home.

Yeah, I'm done.

[laughs]

What alley
did you just crawl out of?

-I'm Purr-tha Kitt.
-Oh!

The Purr-sian glamour puss.

Oh!

I've an awful good cat,
RrruPaul, baby.

I'll slip a prrresent
under the litter for thee.

[laughs]

Rrreminds me of Adam West.

[laughs]
What was Adam West like?

-[hiss]
-[laughs]

This kitty litterrrr
has never made me feel fitter.

[laughs]

Oh, I always say a girl
who can sleep where they pee

will always have time
for a catnap.

[laughs]

Rrreowr.

RuPaul!

Hi, Kitty. What's your name?

Oh, I am Shesafella.

-[hacks and coughs]
-Oh, oh.

Hairball? Oh.

It happens.

-Meow.
-Oh.

Look what the cat
dragged in.

You like that catnip?

I love the catnip.

I'm a dog person, so I really
don't know how cats react.

Mrreow.

But I'm gonna
give it to them. [laughs]

Do you like that ball?

I usually play
with two at a time.

-[laughs]
-Oh.

Oh, you like to play rough,
don't you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy?

-[hiss]
-Oh.

Hey, if you like that,

there's a dot on the wall
right behind you.

Get it, get it, get it!

Get it! Oh! Oh!

Get it. Where'd it go?
Where'd it go?

Oh, there it is! Get it!

Oh, step right in.

You're a cat-o-nine-tails,
aren't ya?

[hiss]

Oh, you're gonna work the pole?

[groans] Oh!

Don't ignore the ball.

Oh, she's gonna punish
that ball.

Whoo!

Kitty cats
always land on their feet.

Or pussy.

[laughs]

Ooh, chic kitty.

Ooh, that's nice and cool.

What are you doing
with the milk?

It's a face masque, you see.

What's this?

That's a ball of yarn.

An unfinished garment.

Yes.
[all laugh]

I seem to be stuck.

-[laughs]
-Oh, no!

Ladies, you were all
more convincing

than the cast of Cats.

-Yes.
-Aw.

But one of you was purr-fect.

The winner of today's
mini-challenge is...

Jackie Cox.

Yes!
[cheering]

You've won a $2.500 gift card
from Fierce! Drag Jewels.

-Ooh!
-Oh!

Okay, now, ladies, we are done
pussyfooting around.

The upcoming election
is some serious business,

and we at RuPaul's Drag Race
urge everyone to vote

so we can keep democracy
alive and well.

However, to lift the spirits
of our candidates

and their
hardworking supporters,

we'd like to provide
some comic relief.

It's time for America's
first drag queen president!

[cheering]

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you'll be speaking at
Choices 2020.

[all laugh]

The most fabulous
presidential debate in herstory.

Each of you
will present your platform

and answer probing questions
from the free press.

From tucking in public to
the right to bear breastplates,

no drag issue is off the table.

Gentlemen, start
your campaign engines,

and may the best woman win.

[cheering]end act

Make sure you grab you
a good folder.

[whistles]
Sparkle folder.

Today's maxi-challenge, we are
going to debate in Choices 2020.

My understanding
of this challenge

is to be funny
as a political--

politics--
a political politician.

[laughs] Oh, God.

I feel like, you know,
it's really important

to incorporate
a lot of, like, drag slang.

Like, you know, okurr.

But then still thinking
about political terms, like...

Debate.

Like debate or poll.

Senate.

Campaign.

Russian probe.

[laughs]

Hello, candidates!

-Oh, hey.
-Hi.

I brought my political advisor.

Hi.

[cheering]

Say hello to Raven.

-Hi!
-Hi!

She's here to help you put
the camp in your campaign.

Fierce.

Heidi.

Hi!

-Meet Raven.
-Hi, Heidi.

Nice. Such a womanly
handshake of yours, yes.

Thank you.

Hey, you won last week.

-I did. Yay, Mama!
-How'd that feel?

It felt amazing.

So what do you have?
Sell us.

Well, I was going
for no more closets!

-Ever!
-[laughs]

Because you know, Heidi N Closet
came here as Heidi N Closet,

and it just fell off so far.

Yeah, you got my vote.

-Yes!
-You got my vote.

With your win last week,

I could see
that you got in there

and you started having fun.

You started taking your time
in places.

And the whole thing was stupid,
and that's a gift.

That is a gift.

It's the gap, honey.
The power of the gap, yes.

Ooh, well, there's your slogan
right there.

Power. Oh, write it down.
Oh, wait, is that--

There she go again.
[laughs]

It's just the most obvious thing
in the world.

I mean, come on.

Fuck the GOP.
Get into the GAP.

[all laugh]

Now, can that be stolen
is the question.

You can have it.

Okay, here we go!

-There it is.
-All right, bitch.

We will see your ass
out there, okay?

Okay, okay.

-Bye.
-[laughs]

Hi, Gigi Goode.

So are you politically minded?

I am gonna be honest.

Politics and the economy

have always been some things

that are rather terrifying
to me.

-It's just--
-Terrifying why?

I'm such an anxious person

that sometimes it's really hard
to watch these debates

and let things come in one ear
and stick in my brain

and not let it go out the other.

You don't want it
to come in one ear.

You want it
to come on your tits.

You know, politics is not
something to be afraid of.

It's actually quite simple.

Do you have a platform?

-How high?
-Yeah, exactly.

There's my answer.

I know you think
in terms of fashion.

If I were you, I would stick
with what you know.

Okay. That changes everything.

You didn't think of that?

I don't know.

Heidi Hydrates.

-Oh!
-It's the obvious thing.

It's, like,
go with what you know.

Now, Raven is a staunch
political strategist.

-I can see--
-That is why I'm here today.

So patriotic.

So is there anything
you'd like to ask Raven?

You know, I was in the bottom
last week,

and I'm trying to claw my way
out of that this week.

So I just wanna know how do you
bring yourself out of a rut?

-Don't take it seriously.
-Right.

Make it stupid.

-There you have it.
-Yeah, yeah.

All right, see you at the polls.

-Good luck!
-Thank you, thank you.

Okay.

Oh...

Raven, let me introduce you
to the Widow.

The Widow Von'Du.

So this is
a make-or-break challenge,

because last week
you were in the bottom.

I was.

But you fought your way
through the fire,

and here you are
living to tell about it.

Do you have a platform?

I do not have a platform.

Oh, bitch.

I've seen your shoes.

[laughs]
Oh, that's right.

You don't have a platform.

Now, do you have a prescription
to wear those shoes?

[all laugh]

Is that--
are they prescribed?

Poor child.

How come you keep wearing
the biscuit baskets?

Because sometimes I feel like
if I'm gonna be in the bottom,

I at least wanna be
in some shoes I can dance in.

That's what keeps putting you
in the bottom, bitch.

You're prepared
to be in the bottom.

You won
the very first challenge.

And I was dancing.

And now you're scooting along.

-In those biscuit baskets.
-In those biscuit baskets.

If you had a platform,
what would it be?

My biggest goal in life is to
show other large individuals

that you can love who you are
in the body that you're in.

That's cute, but that's
not very funny, is it?

I know that,
and that's what the thing is.

You can make any issue funny.

Trust me.
You're trying to become

America's next drag superstar.

Now, I don't know
what that's like.

[laughs]

But for me, when I competed,
I was too in here.

Bitch, you ain't really
running for president.

[all laugh]

You know, listen,
the key to this competition

is to be able to see yourself
from outside of yourself.

And don't take it seriously.

Don't take any of it seriously.

I'm trying real hard

to hide the fact
that having to now get prepared

for another challenge
that's also funny,

that it's not affecting me.

I gotta find a way
to shake this shit off.end act

Hi, Jaida.

-Meet Raven.
-Hi, Raven.

Now, this is a political
challenge here.

Are you willing to sling some
mud to get your point across?

I already know that I will be.

-Okay. [laughs]
-For a fact.

-Of course.
-She's so proper.

-[laughs]
-She's very presidential.

Yes, you are.

A lot of people consider me
a pageant queen,

and as anyone knows,

a pageant queen
should always be prepared

and you will do
whatever it takes to win.

That's right.

Have you ever been
in a debate before?

No, I have not.

I find that hard to believe.

Yeah, up in the club?

My thing is, I'm a real bitch.

I don't debate, I argue.

Okay. [laughs]

Now, Jaida, make sure

you're prepared
with what your platform is,

knowing what your brand is,

because that'll make it
easier for you to riff.

I cannot wait
to see you out in the debate.

-Get back to work.
-All right, thank you.

-Okay.
-See you.

J. Cox, I take you as someone
who is politically minded.

I am. I've been donating to
political causes I believe in.

I'm always watching cable news.
The good channels.

Yeah, yes. Rachel Maddow.

Love her.
Our boy Anderson, too.

Love him, too.

What about Cuomo?

[all laugh]

I mean, I've definitely
been very political,

but I'm not registered
to vote, as I--

What? [stammers] What?

I'm not an American.
I'm Canadian.

So I'm here
on a green card.

But I did see my mom go through
the citizenship process,

and it was
really important for her

to be able have
that political voice.

So this is your opportunity
to win a maxi-challenge.

I haven't won one yet.

I'm surprised, actually,
that you haven't.

-Oh, gosh, I need it, huh?
-Yeah.

I think the big challenge for me

will be keeping it
out of the literate

and just making it
a little more fun.

-Yes.
-Keep it illiterate.

-Yeah, illiterate's good, too.
-[laughs]

A lot of you kids, you make it
so difficult, you know?

You don't have to
reinvent the wheel.

The wheel is fine.
The wheel is fine.

All right, J. Cox, we will see
you on the political circuit.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Bye, guys.

-Crystal Methyd.
-Hello!

Why, you old geezer.

So this is the famous mullet.

This is the mullet
that built an empire.

Would you like a feel?

[laughs]

Now, listen,
are you politically minded?

I live in a really
conservative area,

so just being myself
and dressing the way I do

and walking around,

I definitely make
political statements.

Drag is very political,
just like you said.

What is your platform?

Um, I've been messing
with a few.

I was trying to think of, like,

creating funding
for the arts and crafts.

Oh, I'm asleep already.
Boring!

Listen to what
you're being told.

That's not gonna work.

So if that's in there,
get rid of it.

[all laugh]
It's just one of those things.

You have to listen to what nods
you're being given.

Let me ask you this.
What is the Crystal Methyd?

Ugh, uh...

These are the questions
I would be asking myself.

Yeah.

What I am,
what I stand for, you know?

Mm-hmm.

My walkthrough with Ru
is not going well,

but I know
that Ru sees what's in me,

and I just need to find it and
bring it out for this challenge.

All right, Crystal,
I know you can do it.

Just you gotta unlock that door.
Let's hit it, Raven.

-Bye.
-Bye.

All right, ladies, gather round.
Gather round, ladies.

Now, tomorrow,
the Choices 2020 debate

will be moderated by
our extra-special guest judges,

my crazy ex-squirrel friend
Rachel Bloom...

[cheering]
Yes!

And the super fly
Jeff Goldblum.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Goldblum
is a dinosaur doctor.

Now, I don't know
if that's his real life,

but I love a man
who knows about dinosaurs.

Ladies, don't fuck it up.

Come on, Raven.

-Bye!
-Thank you!end act

Come on, Season 12,
let's get political!

Yeah!

Child, whew, today is the day.

We're gonna do this debate.

What's important
for us to do in this challenge

is to make sure that
we give it a political tone.

But don't forget, a bitch
can't come in being all serious.

You gotta make sure
you making the judges laugh.

How are people feeling?

I feel good,
but I also felt good

about the last thing
I had to be funny at.

So hopefully I can do
the American people proud.

-Choices.
-Choices.

-Choices.
-Choices.

[laughs] So I don't know
if I'm just delirious

from not sleeping all night,
but I feel good

that I got some funny shit
so let's see. [laughs]

I'm gonna get to nerd out
a little bit in this challenge,

because it do take nerd.

I love politics
and I love making people laugh.

I'm very excited to show Ru

that I don't just deserve
to be in the top,

I deserve
that mother-tucking win.

Anyone here really passionate
about politics besides Jackie?

The current political climate
is just so terrifying to me.

Gigi, I get it.

Like, it's hard to sit
and watch the news.

It can be traumatizing
to sit and watch that stuff.

But I feel like in bad times,

like, this is more important
than ever to be patriotic,

because you need that
to, like, make a change.

And right now, we really,
really, really, really,

really, really,
really need a change.

My parents are both
really conservative,

and they voted for Trump, and--

-Wow, really?
-Yeah.

Do they still stand
by that vote?

They do, and it's really hard,

because I love my parents
and I'm so close to them.

And I'm like almost,
like, confused

as to how I grew up
in their house

and share
so many of their values

when there are just some things
we have this disconnect on.

I can't even imagine, knowing
how close you are with them,

like, what that's like.

Yeah. It's frustrating to have
parents that support Trump.

I just try not
to bring up politics

when I'm with my family,
although there are times

during our family Thanksgiving
and stuff

that I have, like, blown up.

All I can do
is try and provide them

with as much education as I can

whenever
I get the opportunity.

I have a lot of disagreements
with my mom

and with other people
in my family.

But the one thing that
we all agreed on was no Trump.

It's, like, really affected mine
and my family's life.

When Trump was elected,

he enacted terrible,
racist policies,

including a ban on people
from Muslim-majority countries.

You know, my mom moved here
right before the revolution,

but her close sister
is still back in Iran,

and my mom has actually been
having a lot of health issues

in the last couple years.

And we were hoping that
her sister could come here

and kind of help
take care of my mom,

and because of Trump and racism,
it's not happening.

And I just don't think
that's okay.

My aunt is the sweetest woman

and has always been there
for my mom.

And the fact
that she can't be there now

because of Trump's travel ban
is devastating.

These are two women who, you
know, need each other right now.

-Yeah.
-And more than anything

I'm just so angry
that this is America.

As a black, gay man
in this country,

and especially
being in Missouri,

I don't go places in my own city

that are
predominantly, like--

have, like, straight patriots.

And as a black man,
it's a big problem

that I cannot drive my car
down the street

without being afraid that
someone's going to take my life.

With all the stuff
that Trump and the Republicans

have put this country through,

put people of color through,
queer people, LGBTQIA,

we need to be on the front
lines fighting every day.

I think people who gave him the
benefit of the doubt in 2016,

like, wake up, because there
is nothing to doubt here.

This person is not here
for Americans.

What I try to do myself is just,
like, make sure that I get out,

like, to everybody
that's in my family

and to give them information.

If we get as much information
as we can,

it's like a weapon against
people who try to hold us back.

The further we go back
into the shadows,

the stronger the clown
in the White House gets.

No more closets!

I approve this message.

[all laugh]

[RuPaul laughs]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

And what?

Welcome to the main stage
of RuPaul's Drag Race.

This week, Michelle Visage
is away on assignment.

[static]
Thanks, Ru.

I'm hot on the campaign trail,

where I'll be watching
the debate

live in downtown Tuckaho.

Style superstar
Carson Kressley is here.

Carson, would you say
you're a master debater?

Got the calluses to prove it!

You know you're gonna go blind
doing that.

Where are you?

[laughs]

The crazy talented Rachel Bloom.

Rachel, have you ever
run for office?

I was the secretary of my high
school's gay/straight alliance.

-I remember that.
-You were a great president.

[laughs]

And national treasure
Jeff Goldblum.

I feel like I'm basking
in your opalescent glow.

You look absolutely statuesque
and radiant,

like a Grecian goddess.

You make me proud
to be a citizen of America

and the world, Ru.

[laughs]
Thank you.

Michelle [with static:
Ru, I hope you can hear me.

-Uh-huh?
-Jeff, listen, I'm married,

but you are my hall pass.

You have been for years.
I've seen all the movies.

I know what you can do
with your fly.

Jeff, please, gimme a call.

One night only. Come on.
It's a great time.

Thank you.

This week,
we challenged our queens

to face off in this year's
draggiest presidential debate.

Gentlemen, start your engines,
and may the best woman win.end
act

Hi there.
My name's Jeff Goldblum.graphic
x 2

And I'm Rachel Bloom.

We want to welcome you
to Choices 2020.

Choices.

Tonight,
our leading seven candidates

have gathered
to untuck the issues.

Let's get this wig party started
with opening statements.

Hailing from the Big Apple,
Sherry Pie.

My mother-tucking Americans,

I am here
to take America off its diet.

I am here to force-feed America.

From the Show-Me state
of Missouri, Crystal Methyd.

You may be wondering, Crystal,

why do you deserve
to be drag president?

And I think the answer
is very clear.

I've proven time and time again

that I mean business
in the front

and party in the back!

♪ To the beat
of the rhythm of the night ♪

Yeah.

From Ramseur, Heidi.

Being the Southern belle
of Season 12,

I am someone
you can trust with your vote.

Vote Heidi to bridge the gap.

Mm, no fooling around
with this one.

Serving Kansas City royal T,
Widow Von'Du.

You cannot have change

if you just put
your right foot in

and take your right foot out.

You have to put
your left foot in

and shake it all about.

Widow Von'Du.

Shablamming for America.

In college, I was a member
of the Hokey-Pokey party.

I had no idea.

What is the Hokey-Pokey party,
by the way?

Conservative.
It was a dark time.

Let's move on.

From Canada by way
of New York City, Jackie Cox.

As the first Canadian
to run for drag president,

let me assure you I'm
as American as apple poutine--

I mean, pie.

[gasps]

In 2020, don't be tacky.

Vote Jackie.

Because we can all use
a little more Cox in our life.

Next up from the Golden State,
Gigi Goode.

I'm Gigi Goode, fashion icon,
pantsuit advocate, human girl.

I'm here to prioritize,
politicize,

and accessorize
my way to a better tomorrow.

May I commend you
in your bravery

in stating openly
that you are a human girl.

Human girl.
Not a robot.

Hmm.

No further questions.

And from the great Badger State
of Wisconsin,

Jaida Essence Hall.

As I always say, you can take
the bitch out of the hustle,

but you cannot take the hustle
out of the bitch.

That's why
I'm Jaida Essence Hall,

of the bitches, for the bitches.

Finally, a spokesperson
for the bitches.

She done already
done had herses.

Let's proceed with questions.

Crystal Methyd, if you were
elected first drag president,

what would your first
official action be?

To include bare chests and bare
backs to the Second Amendment,

because bare arms
are not enough!

Quite powerful.
Widow Von'Du.

The first thing I would do in
office is do a split on the D.

A split on--
A split on the D?

Deficits! I would split
the deficits in half.

Well, if she did it,
it would certainly break.

Oh! The slander.

Candidates, candidates,
let's keep it civil, okay?

Jackie Cox, same question.

I'll be recruiting Deborah Cox

to disco-fy the national anthem.

Can I do a little bit
for you right now?

Please.

Let's see.

♪ O Canada ♪

♪ "Say can you see"
is what I meant ♪

I'm so American.

You're bringing up Canada a lot.

If I were you, I would not keep
pushing this Canada aspect.

Gigi Goode, same question.

My first act would be
to forcibly play

RuPaul's Cover Girl

in every crosswalk
in the nation.

It will train the men and
the women of this brave country

to s-s-s-sissy their walks
on the way to work.

How would we sissy our walks?

Do you mind if I come up front?

Permission granted for you
to come anywhere you like.

No sissification so far.
But wait.

Sissy that walk, girl.

Now, sissy that walk.

[Star Spangled Banner plays]

She's a little stiff,
if you ask me.

If that is the walk of America,

she should walk
to another country.

[gasps]

I would like to rebuttal.

Anybody can sissy their walk
in any way they please.

I would like to re-tittle
that rebuttal.

I think the only thing

that Miss Goode needs
to sissy is that hairline.

Okay, ladies, ladies,
let's keep it civil.

I would like to re-tattle
the re-tittle of her rebuttal.

The what?

By saying that although
her hairline is awful,

so is her contour line.

[gasps]

Wow. This set is cold,

but I'm also chilly
from all the shade.

Heidi, you vow to make America
what again?

Flawless again.
Just look at me.

Good. Anybody else?

I vow to make America--
Yes, yes, El DeBarge.

Not one of my fellow candidates

has a single speck of glitter
on their bodies.

I want to make America
glitter again.

Little do you know that
I am fully vajazzled downstairs.

-Did she say "vajazzled?"
-Yeah.

Yes, vajazzled.

Ah, I can imagine
what that means.

Jaida, I vow to make America
what again?

I vow to make America
confused again,

because these whores
have lost me.

I am confused right now.

I don't know what's happening.

I don't know who she is.
I have no idea who she is.

Are you smelling toast?

Are you having
a little bit of a stroke?

I love toast.

Don't you love
waking up in the morning

and not knowing where you are,
who you are, why you are?

I like what you're saying.

Before you go anywhere,
you have to ride the horse

in the direction
that it's going.

I don't own a horse,
but I love riding.

Question for everyone.
Can we see your tax returns?

I would like
to pass the question.

Now, are we talking Canadian
or American dollars?

How do you plan to engage
younger voters?

That's a question.

Yeah, yeah,
and what's the answer?

Look over there!

Where?

[snorts]

Oh, that's a good one, Jaida.

I've never seen
that device used in a--

-Confusion.
-On the debate stage before.

Gigi Goode, what do you think
of drag robots

taking jobs away
from drag queens?

Why not?

Huh.

-Hmm.
-Jaida, same question.

Heidi, question?

What?

Look over there!

Where?

[laughs]

She keeps fooling me with that
"look over there" business.

I know. [laughs]

I mean, I got a controversial
question coming up.

Ooh, it's
a controversial question.

Jeff, look over there!

Hey, where?
[all laugh]

I fall for it every time, too.

Confusion.

I think I speak for Jeff

when I say that he and I
are both confused bitches.

You truly are a bitch.

There was a little Kate Hepburn
coming through in that.

[imitating Katherine Hepburn]
She sure did love

a good--

Here we go again.

For every challenge,
we're gonna get the old lady,

and it's gonna go
something like

ehh...it's...

ducking fitch.

Crystal,
which of these candidates

do you think
is the least qualified

to be America's
next drag president?

I know that as drag president,

you'll be faced with many
difficult decisions.

Candidate Heidi here can't
even decide on a last name.

[gasps]

Breathe calmly through the gap
in your front teeth, okay?

-[whistles]
-There we go.

This whore, Crystal.

The facts are, she has no idea
who El DeBarge is.

Heidi, which of these candidates

do you think
is the least qualified?

I would have to say
Miss Jackie Cox.

-Oh!
-How can you trust a drag queen

when her 5:00 shadow is visible
24 hours out of the day?

Whew.

I can agree with Heidi
about Jackie.

If she cannot win the war
against her beard,

how can she win the wars that we
might have to fight for America?

Whew.

Thank you.

Widow
is the angry politician,

and, um...

that was pretty much
what it was,

just an angry politician.

Terrorists!
Skinty bitches.

I don't know how any of you
are gonna choose a VP

with this language.

Candidates, it's time
for your closing statements.

We need to go
to a buffet of love,

of humor, of Sherry Pie.

El DeBarge.

If I can do this to my face,

imagine the facelift
I can give to America?

I'm gonna cover the White House
in glitter!

I understand what
the bitches of the street need,

and it's not these whores.

[laughs]

I have your back.

Thank you, Jaida.

-And front.
-Thank you, Jaida.

[mouthing words]

Heidi, your closing statement.

On vote day, vote Heidi.

[whistles] The gap
that's so wonderful

and so amazing.

Jackie Cox,
I have a challenge for you.

Don't mention Canada
in your closing statement.

I'm here to tell you
the Trudeau--truth--

because I'm clearly
very American.

[laughs]

-Gigi Goode.
-As drag president,

I'm going to prioritize,
politicize, and accessorize.

You repeated that bit
about the accessorizing.

Bah-dah-dah,
dah-dah-dah-dah-dah.

That's okay. Widow Von'Du.

I promise you that a change
is on the horizon.

I say shablam
for a better future.

What does "shablam" mean,
actually?

See, uneducated.
This is the problem in America.

Uneducated people.

-Ooh, girl!
-Wow.

Did you just call Jeff
uneducated?

You just called Jeff uneducated.

-[gasps]
-He's a dinosaur doctor!

Oh!

-How very dare she!
-America--

Monster!

Ooh, child.

[gasps]

Now we're gonna go
to Michelle Visage

from downtown Tuckaho.

Here's the thing.

The candidates did not
even bring up the issue--

Oops, and we're out of time.

Well, that concludes
tonight's debate.

On Election Day, come early,
and then, of course,

don't forget to head down
to the polling place

and cast your vote.

Say good night, candidates.

-Good night, candidates.
-Good night, candidates.

Oh, yes, honey.

♪ Peanut, peanut, peanut,
peanut, peanut, peanut ♪

♪ P-p-p-peanut, peanut,
peanut, peanut butter ♪

♪ Peanut, peanut, peanut,
peanut, peanut, peanut ♪

♪ P-p-p-peanut butter ♪end act

Category is
Stars and Stripes Forever.

First up, Crystal Methyd.

Oh, yes, honey, she is pimping
the secretarial pool.

Crystal: I'm wearing a bunch
of mismatched textures.

I have a lot
of thrift shop pieces.

I just feel really hot
and confident.

Rachel:
I think we found out

where in the world
is Carmen Sandiego.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Heidi.

Carson:
Serving Old Glory-hole.

[RuPaul laughs]

Heidi: I'm super excited
to walk down this runway

in my patriotic
Bettie Page sequined fantasy.

And I am marching
down that runway

in my hooker
high-heel boots, honey.

Rachel:
Give me your tired, your poor,

your huddled asses
yearning to be free.

[all laugh]
Carson: Yes!

RuPaul: The Widow Von'Du.

Ooh, Black Panther
on the runway!

Widow: My outfit is an homage
to black culture.

The Black Panthers
to Miss Rosa Parks

saying that I am not
getting out of my seat

to Black Lives Matter.

I am showing all my blackness
right now for you.

Jeff: Is that
a particular constellation?

Carson: Looks like
a Big Dipper from here.

[Jeff laughs]

RuPaul: Sherry Pie.

[British accent] That's right.
Rip the scab off a can of piss.

Oh, wrong country.

Sherry: I am American,
American, American,

and I am letting everybody know
make art and not war.

Carson: She got this at
Betsy Ross Dress for Less.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Jackie Cox.

-Oh.
-Come on, hijab.

[all laugh]

Jackie: I'm wearing
a beautiful, flowing,

striped kaftan,
and then on the top

I'm wearing
a midnight blue hijab

that is outlined
in 50 silver stars.

You can be Middle Eastern,
you can be Muslim,

and you can still be American.

Carson: Maid in the USA.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Gigi Goode.

Carson: She's making me
Yankee Doodle randy.

[all laugh]

Gigi: I am giving you head
to toe Quaker Oats fantasy.

My hair is period,
historically accurate.

I've got my red velvet coat.

Bitch, I am it.

Rachel:
Talk about a John Hancock

or lack thereof.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: She's cross-dressing
the Delaware.

[all laugh]

Jaida Essence Hall.

Carson: Let's run this look
up the flagpole.

Jaida: I'm giving you
a sexy superhero of drag,

and I'm ready to say
any ho, any bitch,

any queer person in this
country that needs to be saved,

I'm here to do it.

Rachel:
Now that is a landing strip.

I'm gonna tell my waxer
I want that next time.

Carson: It's called
the American bikini wax.

Rachel: Making my husband
take the pledge of allegiance

will have a whole new meaning.

[all laugh]end act

Welcome, ladies.

It's time for
the judges' critiques,

starting with Sherry Pie.

During the debate
you were really, really funny,

and it felt like a really
polished character to me.

I would just say be careful

about giving us
variety of characters.

It was similar, I think,
to your mother in Gay's Anatomy

in that it was an older person,
like you did for Snatch Game.

I'm definitely gonna steal
this look from you.

I love the peplum-esque thing

that's happening
with the jacket.

And you accentuate your fine
and generous décolletage,

I believe is the--

-Oh, yes.
-Ah. You see, I know.

I may not know "peplum,"
but I know décolletage.

All right, up next,
Crystal Methyd.

Hi.

In the debate, I thought
you were a real stand-out

because you were stumping
to be the drag president.

You did a really great job
of embracing that concept.

You talked about
your love of glitter.

I'm gonna cover the White House
in glitter!

And we've always said bring
the you to the challenge,

and I thought you did that
really well.

And there was never
a moment of fear.

You just seemed incredibly
sure of your character

and having a ball.

This runway look might be
a little bit confused.

I think the grosgrain belt
I think is a great touch,

but having all of that excess
to me was very distracting.

But when I see a fedora,
it's awful nice.

You find them fedorable.

-Yes, yeah.
-Ah, as you say.

[all laugh]

Up next, Heidi.

I have to say
I fell into the gap.

-Did you really?
-Yeah.

I thought your debate
was really charming.

I think tapping into
your small-town roots

from Ramseur, North Carolina,
was great.

You know, you embraced
who you are.

Yeah, you ever read
Tennessee Williams?

I'd like to see you do
Glass Menagerie or something.

Ooh.

I'm more partial
to the Ass Menagerie myself.

[all laugh]

And then this look, I just
feel like you're serving me

Reba McIntyre meets
Baby June and her Newsboys.

I do like redheads of all kinds.

Oh, boy.

You better stop.
[all laugh]

Up next, we've got
the Widow Von'Du.

I love that you're the standout
in this lineup.

The challenge
was Stars and Stripes,

and you gave us that
in a nontraditional way.

I love that
it's black and white.

The presentation is perfect.

During the debate,

I thought you made some
really wonderful points,

and looking at drag
as a form of theater

to challenge you
and make you think,

I thought you did
such an excellent job.

I was craving, I guess
for lack of a better term,

like, a joke punch-up in there.

You're such a presence on stage
and you're so commanding,

but I felt like kind of it came
across just a little bit angry.

Terrorists!

I wanted to give you
a politician that was angry

because they are trying
to get their point across.

And I just don't know...

[sighs]

It's very difficult to satirize

or do something that's wackier,
funnier, wilder

than of course
what's going on now.

-That's right.
-I generally was having fun.

Playing the character
that I was doing,

I literally thought
I was doing the challenge.

You did do the challenge.

What the judges are saying

is that there weren't
a lot of laughs in it,

and of course that's really
what we're doing here.

I stayed up till 4:30 in
the morning just writing stuff,

and it just feels like
it was all for nothing.

You're digging yourself
into a hole right now,

and you don't have to do that.

This is all just
constructive criticism.

I am a musical theater kid,
and you raise yourself

to think that your craft,
your art is who you are.

And when you
fuck something up,

it fundamentally takes away
your self-worth.

Preach!

And separating
a little more your craft

from who you are as a person,
it's really helped me.

Let the church say a-man.

-A-man.
-A-man.

That is so important right now.

And do you hear
what she's saying, Widow?

I hear everything that everybody
is saying to me.

I just--it's really hard
for me to be here and just--

It's hard. The competition's
fucking hard.

But don't do that to yourself.

The payoff is not worth it.

You belong here, and don't let
your saboteur do that.

So catch yourself.
Be the star that you are.

Thank you.

Up next, Jackie Cox.

Salaam, RuPaul June.

So the debate.

When I figured out what
your whole shtick was "aboot,"

I thought
this is gonna get good.

For me, the Canada thing
became a little tiresome.

Jeff even said,
"Can you answer this question

and not reference Canada."

You're talented, obviously,
and bright and quick.

But it's a one-joke idea,
and you know,

you keep doing variations
of that, there you go.

In comedy, you always want some
sort of element of surprise.

So unless you heighten
to the absurd,

there was just kind of
a plateauing point.

Let's talk about
your runway look.

You exposed a piece of you
and your heritage,

embracing something
very beautiful and touching,

and this makes
a political statement.

I love what this says about
what America really is,

which is, yeah,
we're a nation of immigrants,

of people
who come from everywhere,

and we come together.

And it's such a simple outfit
that says so much.

Are you religious, may I ask?

I'm not, and to be honest,

this outfit really represents
the importance

that visibility for people
of religious minorities

need to have in this country.

Isn't this an interesting
wrinkle, though.

Is there something
in that religion

that is anti-homosexuality
and anti-woman?

Does that complicate the issue?

I'm just raising it
and thinking out loud,

and maybe being stupid,
but what do you think?

No, no, I think, you know,
drag has always

shaken the tree, so to speak,

and there are so many different
layers to this presentation.

And if it
was ever gonna be done,

this is the stage to do it.

It's a complex issue.

I have my own misgivings
about the way

that LGBT people
are treated in the Middle East.

And at the same time, I am one.

But what is so important
is to me,

that if you just happen
to be different,

then, like, live that truth.

And when the Muslim ban
happened,

it really destroyed a lot
of my faith in this country.

And it really hurt my family.

[sobs] And that's
so wrong to me.

And I had to show America

that you can be LGBT
and from the Middle East

and there's gonna be
complicated shit around that,

and that's okay.

But I'm here,

and I deserve to be in America

just as much as anyone else.

Everything you're saying
really registers with me.

At the end of the day,
this country is for everyone,

and I'm so sorry that this
has happened to your family.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, Jackie.

[sniffles]

Up next, Gigi Goode.

Let's talk about this look.

Normally, I hate a minute man,
but this is fantastic.

It's beautiful and tailored.
It's delicious.

But are you dressed
as an American

or are you dressed as a Redcoat?

You'll never tell.
Maybe you're Benedict Arnold.

Certainly not Bene-dick Arnold.

Nope, maybe not tonight.
[all laugh]

How, exactly--because
I'm a little unfamiliar--

so what do you--
how--how--what--

Yeah.

What do you do, exactly?

Is it--is it all tucked?
[all laugh]

Everything is tucked,
and you can achieve that--

It's not something for
national television right now.

Okay, okay.
[all laugh]

I'm not sure.
Are you a big politics fan?

You know,
unfortunately, I'm not.

No further questions.

Yeah, I think that hurt you
in this challenge,

because to be able
to parody something,

you have to kind of have
a base knowledge of it.

And I felt like
maybe that was missing,

and you were
a little less confident

and a little more quiet
than you normally are.

Up next, Jaida Essence Hall.

Hi, y'all.

Let's re-tattle the re-tittle
of her rebuttal.

[all laugh]

Your platform
was about being confused

with what's going on in politics
today, and I'm with you.

You had a great moment where
Jeff had asked you a question,

and you didn't really know
the answer.

You were like,
"Look over there."

It was so genius.

I liked it, too.

I don't know if you planned it.

I really wanted to, like,
show how politicians

are always, like, well,
whatever we have to say

to get the attention off of me.

Yeah, you had

the best off-the-cuff remarks
in the debate.

You made me laugh the most.

You just did
Jaida Goes to Washington.

Ooh!

And it was really effective.

2020, honey.

We're getting ready, baby.

And this outfit,
wowie, wow-wow-wow.

Yeah, that's something.

[all laugh]

I don't know
where your body ends

and then, like,
the illusion begins,

and I guess I don't wanna know.

But I also wanna know
everything.

[all laugh]

This outfit makes me proud
to be an American.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you, ladies.

I think we've heard enough.

While you untuck backstage,
the judges and I will debate.

All right, now, just between
us political animals,

what do you think?

Sherry Pie.

In the debate, I thought
she was pretty polished.

I could tell it was a character
that she had done before.

It's just getting
a little tired.

Throughout the season,
on the runway

she was giving us
a lot of, you know, dresses

with kind of
a trumpet kind of shape.

So this was
a refreshing change for me.

Crystal Methyd.

She didn't try too hard
to do the politician act.

She just did Crystal Methyd.

And then her runway look
was amazing.

It went so different.

Yeah, I love
Crystal Methyd's aesthetic,

and I'm so happy that
at this point in the competition

she's really
finding her confidence

to just be her freaky self.

Heidi.

During the debate, I got an air
of real sweetness from her.

What she smartly did,

when she didn't have
something funny to say,

she gave us a funny reaction
to somebody else.

She gave us a pearl clutch
and a gasp.

She reminds me a little bit
of Jimmy Carter

and President Clinton, too.

She reminds me of George Clinton
and Billy Carter.

Ah. [laughs]

The Widow Von'Du.

She almost just played the part

of an actual candidate
for president.

There was nothing
that drag about it.

I think it's good to be
conscientious and preparation,

but sometimes I say
get some sleep.

[laughs]

Although she didn't pop
in the debate,

she could have
remained positive,

because her runway look
was really striking.

But I feel like she's almost
giving up on herself.

It is like the thorns of a rose
growing inward on itself,

but it's hers
to understand this about herself

and to dig herself out of it.

Jackie Cox.

For the debate,
I say blame Canada.

[all laugh]

I think over-preparation

may have gotten in her way
this week.

And it started really strong,

but it got really tired
really fast.

But her runway look was
beautiful and sort of amazing.

That outfit
spoke so many volumes,

and hearing about her family

emphasized
what she was going for.

Gigi Goode.

When I saw her standing there
to start her debate,

she looked so great.

It looked like Ralph Lauren
and Emilio Pucci had a baby.

Yes!

But there was a kind of
deer-in-headlights quality.

I would love to have seen
more politics,

even if it was just absurd.

I would have just been throwing
in political words like caucus.

[all laugh]

Jaida Essence Hall.

She was so fun
during the debate.

She was just so sharp.

The insults that she threw
were so quick.

And it's actually a beautiful
social commentary on politics.

Yeah. We have every right
to be confused.

And then tonight's runway look
was funny and fabulous.

She is the woman I aspire to be

when I get dressed
in the morning,

and I know that
I will never look like that.

All right, so let's go to
Michelle Visage via satellite

and hear what she has to say.

Hi, Michelle!

[static]
Ru! Oh, my God.

First and foremost...

Um, excuse me.

Who is that woman
sitting next to you?

It's a bad transmission.

Wait a minute. Hold on.
Who is that by your side?

Okay, we'll just move on.

What a shame, what a shame.
What a loss.

Oh, hell, no. This is not
some girl sitting in my seat.

Silence.

I've made my decision.

I will not be silenced!
Listen to me!

-Turn it off.
-Who is that woman--

[static]

Bring back my girls.end act

Welcome back, ladies.

I've made some decisions.

Sherry Pie.

You're safe.

You may step
to the back of the stage.

Heidi.

Tonight, lady sings
the red, white, and blues.

-You're safe.
-Thank you.

Jaida Essence Hall.

Your campaign
was all about confusion,

but tonight, it's very clear.

You are the winner
of this week's challenge.

[applause]

Oh, my God. [laughs]

Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.

Con-drag-ulations. You've
won a cash tip of $5.000.

Ooh, I can buy nice shoes.

You may join the other girls.

Bitch, I won another
motherfucking--

I can't say motherfucking,
can I?

I won!

That's it. [laughs]

Crystal Methyd.

You're safe. Glitterally.

[laughs] Thank you.

Widow Von'Du.

On the runway, you stood out
like the star that you are.

But in the debate, you blended
into the background.

Jackie Cox.

Your runway look
is bold and beautiful,

but your debate performance
was a little Canada Dry.

Gigi Goode.

This runway look
is a feather in your cap,

but your debate
was not revolutionary.

Gigi Goode.

You're safe.

You may join the other girls.

You will not see me
in the bottom again.

Widow Von'Du, Jackie Cox,

I'm sorry, my dears,

but you are up for elimination.

Two queens stand before me.

Ladies, this is your last chance
to impress me

and save yourself
from elimination.

The time has come...
[thunder]

for you to lip sync...

[echoing] for your life!

I want Mama Ru to see
why she brought me here,

and that even though I
let her down in this challenge,

I'm a fighter,

and I'm not gonna let her down
in this lip sync.

Oh, trust, I am not losing this.

This is my chance
to redeem myself,

and I'm not ready
for this dream to die.

Good luck,
and don't fuck it up.

[music plays]

♪ Do you ever feel
like a plastic bag ♪

♪ Drifting through the wind,
wanting to start again ♪

♪ Do you ever feel,
feel so paper thin ♪

♪ Like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in ♪

♪ Do you ever feel
already buried deep ♪

♪ Six feet under screams ♪

♪ But no one
seems to hear a thing ♪

♪ Do you know that there's
still a chance for you ♪

♪ 'Cause there's
a spark in you ♪

♪ You just gotta ignite
the light ♪

♪ And let it shine ♪

♪ Just own the night ♪

♪ Like the Fourth of July ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby,
you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, show 'em
what your worth ♪

♪ Make 'em go, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ As you shoot
across the sky... ♪

I'm exploding out on that stage

because I'm feeling the weight
of everyone who's ever been told

they need to go back home
where they come from.

And I'm here to let them know
that, baby, you're a firework,

and you have a place
right here in America.

♪ 'Cause, baby,
you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, show 'em
what your worth ♪

♪ Make 'em go, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ As you shoot across the sky ♪

♪ Baby, you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on,
let your colors burst ♪

♪ Make 'em go, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You're gonna leave 'em
calling, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Even brighter
than the moon, moon, moon ♪

[cheers and applause]

Very moving.

Very. Jeez.

Ladies, I've made my decision.

Jackie Cox, shantay you stay.

Thank you.

I won't, won't,
won't let you down again.

You may join the other girls.

I love you.

[exhales]

Widow Von'Du,
remember, you're a big star.

Now and forever.

Now sashay away.

I feel like I let you down.

You did not let me down.

Thank you
for this amazing opportunity.

[applause]

Congratulations.

My fellow Americans,
I want to leave you with this.

Always let your thighs
rub together

like they harmonize.

[cheers and applause]

I love you!

[sighs]

I feel like I let my inner
demons get the best of me,

and I let everyone
who believes in me down, and...

I tried.

I said the other day
that's all you can do is try.

I just wish
I would have tried harder.

Kansas City, here I come.

[cries]

Con-drag-ulations, ladies.

And remember,
if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell
you gonna love somebody else?

Can I get an "amen" up in here?

-Amen!
-Amen!

Michelle, can I get
an "amen" up in here?

[static]
Amen! Jeff Goldblum, call
me.graphic

[all laugh]

All right,
now let the music play!

♪ I am American, American ♪vote

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ Just like you, too ♪

There we go.
There we go.

Wow, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Amazing.

RuPaul: Next time
on RuPaul's Drag Race.

You're going to be making over
Drag Race super fans.

But here's the thing.

They have no idea
what's about to happen to them.

-Surprise!
-Aah!

I'm a huge fucking fan
of the show.

I totally buy
that you guys are sisters.

I have a question.

What in the fuck
am I looking at?

Bitch.

[laughs] The nerve.

♪ I am American,
American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American,
American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ Just like you, too ♪

♪ Am-Am-Am-Am-American,
American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ Just like you, too ♪

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org