Rosehaven (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
I can't stand it.
- What?
- The way you eat.
- What do you mean?
- I hate the way you eat.
- Why?
- You sound like a horse walking.
I never know whether
you're having a sandwich
or there's a cowboy coming.
Well, you've never had
a problem with it before.
I know, and I hate that I do now.
Is this what happens when you
spend too much time with someone.
No, it's... it's fine. When... when you
drink your tea, you go, "ahh!".
Makes me want to throw
the tea in your face.
- That's a bit harsh.
- I'd wait till it cooled down.
Thanks.
Ah!
Ah!
Om nom nom! Nom nom!
Ah! Oh, yeah!
Nom nom, nom nom!
- Nom, nom, nom!
- Ah!
- Nom, nom, nom! Nom, nom, nom!
- Oh, that's good tea!
Mum, are you sure you
need to come in today?
You're supposed to be resting.
I did, last night.
No, that was sleeping.
You rest during the day.
Is Emma coming? We need to get going.
I'm coming!
Small disaster.
I dreamt I ironed this, but I didn't.
We need to get going.
You can meet us there.
No, I just need to iron
it. I'll be super quick.
It's fine. You can take Daniel's car.
Please don't crash it.
I mean, I know you
wouldn't do that on purpose,
but just please be careful.
Also, please don't
change my seat settings
or radio settings. Okay? Thank you.
Hey, do you know where
there are any sick jumps?
Funny!
Morning.
Yeah, sorry to interrupt I'm just
working down there on the road.
Could I use your bathroom?
- Oh, of course. Come in.
- Good.
- It's all right. It's just on the right.
- Right.
Come on.
Where's my stapler?
Hm?
Don't move it again.
Mum, are you... are you ready?
- For what?
- B-bace.
B-what?
- Okay, it means...
- What's this?
Oh, that's Emma.
She says if you smile while you talk,
people can hear it on the phone.
Listen.
Thank you for choosing McCallum
real estate. This is Daniel.
Thank you for choosing McCallum
real estate. This is Daniel.
She... she is helping.
- How?
- Well for starters, she's part of this.
B-bace, boosting brand awareness
through community engagement.
The marker ran out before I finished.
I'm going to take your
silence as excitement.
- It's not.
- Okay, two ideas.
First idea, Em and I are
gonna go door to door,
- offering free appraisals.
- Good.
Hm?
Good. It's about time you
got a bit more proactive.
Okay, sorry. Your support,
uh, threw me a little.
Uh, second idea,
I've booked us a regular
spot on the regional roundup.
Just once a month, talking real estate.
Might bring a few new people our way.
- Good.
- Hm?
I don't like talking on those
shows, but if you do, go ahead.
Grace does that slot.
Grace?
Mm. She talks health stuff.
That's where I learned
if you've got a migraine,
you should sniff an apple.
- Is that...
- Just don't be surprised if none of it works.
Not everyone wants to
be bothered at home,
and even less like having
their music replaced
by people talking about real estate.
Oh, Mum, it's going to work.
I'm, uh, turning up
the B-bace on this one.
Had that in my pocket all morning.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go sniff an apple.
Hello?
Em, it's 10:00 AM. You
still haven't left yet?
If you want to impress Mum,
this isn't a great move.
I know.
Did you tell her about B-bace?
Yeah. She liked it. She said,
- "good".
- Did she?
That's great!
Yeah, but you're supposed
to be doing it with me.
- I don't want to doorknock by myself.
- Yeah, I know. I'm coming.
Oh, and Grace is doing
the same slot on the radio.
Are you going to strip to your
undies and try and kiss her again?
Mm, good one. How far away are you?
I am trying. It's just...
there's a road worker in the shower.
There's... there's a what?
He asked to use the bathroom,
so I assumed he meant the toilet.
- Oh, no!
- He's been in there for half an hour.
Em, everyone knows
- you do not let council workers in.
- What?
What are you talking about?
If you let one in, they
think they can all come in.
They're not vampires.
You seriously don't know about this.
No! Is this some weird country
rule no one's ever heard of?
Em, everyone knows
about this, okay. Just...
- just tell him to leave.
- Fine!
But... but don't piss him off or he'll
- park a bulldozer in our driveway or something.
- What?
Last time I visited,
I tripped on a traffic cone.
I got angry with them,
and they glued it to the top of my car.
Well...
how am I supposed to
get rid of him, then?
Just... politely.
Oh, thanks. Great pressure.
Isn't it? Anyway,
I've got to go to work.
So if you don't mind...
- Hey!
- Where did you come from?
Sorry. I knocked, but...
Mick, did you just have a
shower? You're the worst.
Sorry about him.
- Uh...
- Oh.
I hate to ask, but do you mind
if I just heat up my breakfast?
I forgot to eat before I
left because I'm an idiot.
- Oh, I've gotta go.
- Yeah, it'll just take a second.
Oh, the kitchen's over there.
That is really cool of you. Thanks.
Hey, put the kettle on,
will you please, mate?
Yeah, mate!
- Hello!
- Hi.
- What's happened?
- Uh, nothing.
- Nothing?
- No. Sorry.
Uh, I'm from McCallum real estate.
We're offering free appraisals
so you can know the
value of your property.
What? Hang on. Are
you selling something?
Uh, no. Well I hoped you would be.
Your house, that is. Have
you had an appraisal recently?
Look, can you just give me a minute?
I'll get my husband. He'll love this.
Oh, if he'd be interested.
Yeah, that's great. Thank you.
He really likes saying no to
people selling things. Graham!
- If he's not interested, that's fine.
- It won't take a second.
He's really good at confrontation.
I don't want a confrontation.
- What's happened?
- Nothing.
- He's offering free appraisals.
- Oh, okay.
So, instead of just leaving
a flyer in the mailbox,
you're knocking on people's doors?
- Yes. Uh...
- You know what you are?
- Human junk mail.
- Okay...
- Walking spam.
- Right.
Uh, you're like a 3D...
- talking brochure.
- Okay, I might get going.
No, you're like a strip-a-gram, but
instead of taking your clothes off
you're taking off layers of my patience!
Strong finish. Thanks for your time.
Hi. I'm from McCallum real estate.
We're offering free appraisals
so you can know the
value of your property...
Hi. I'm from...
Hi. I'm from, uh, McCallum real estate.
We're offering free appraisals,
so you can know the...
value of... of your property.
No. No, no, no! No, no, no!
Shit.
- Em?
- Oh, hi.
How's it been going?
Not great. Have you got rid of him yet?
They're just on their way out.
They?
Two.
Another one came in to
heat up his breakfast,
and I assumed he meant
microwave, but he meant stove.
And then the stove stopped
working, so one of them's fixing it.
Okay, well, just get rid
of them as soon as you can,
after they fix the stove.
How long's their break, anyway?
They've finished for the day.
Please get them out
of the house, nicely.
Fine. I'll charm them.
This has escalated.
Ha! I think that's done it.
- It's fixed?
- Yeah!
Great. Well, guys, new
guys, this has been great.
Oh, no! Is this chamomile?
Are you okay, Joe?
Oh, allergic.
- Gives me nausea.
- Allergic to what?
- To tea?
- I just need to...
Hey, you need to lie down.
Nah, you probably want
to walk it off outside.
Yeah, okay. Is the bedroom through here?
Hang on. Sorry. I'm gonna
need that Phillips head again.
You're kidding.
Em, I'm at the radio station.
We're going on soon. Where are you?
I'm gonna feel bad if
you've been in an accident,
- but otherwise you're supposed to be here.
- Ah, Daniel.
Hi, um... Grace.
You're here to do the,
uh... Do the... do the radio?
Yes. And you're here to do the...
Why are you here?
Uh, real estate. I'm
here to talk about, um...
- real estate stuff.
- Okay. Yes, that makes sense.
Sorry about trying to
kiss you, uh, yesterday.
Um... in my underpants.
It was really bad timing.
It's fine. It's not like
anyone schedules a kiss.
- Yeah, yeah...
- Other than a wedding ceremony.
But that's the only officially
pre-planned kiss I can think of.
Yeah, or a, um... a play.
Uh, any sort of scripted, um,
performance. Anyway, I'm... I'm sorry.
Actually, I'm glad you brought it up.
- Oh?
- The mole scan found
a few actinic keratoses.
Is... is that horrible-sounding
thing good news, or...
- Sunspots.
- Oh, okay.
Very common in someone
with your complexion.
- Great.
- Ugly, but fine.
The spots, not you.
- Thanks.
- You guys ready?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes!
So, Scott, how many... how
many people listen in nowadays?
Almost everyone here and
in the surrounding areas.
Good.
Remember when we used to go
on school excursions here?
Yeah, I remember it being
pretty frustrating, actually.
Yeah, I know. That's because it
was two hours of showing children
buttons they're not allowed to push.
- Yes. Yes, exactly.
- It's cruel.
It is. It is.
That said, I'm actually pretty
excited to meet, um, Pete Notch.
Do you remember "Kick it
up a notch with Pete Notch"?
Uh, he just swapped over
to the morning shift.
Oh, okay. Who... who hosts now?
Shit.
Okay. Can I have everyone's
attention, please?
Elka, stop reading that atlas!
Everyone, listen to me! Thank you.
First of all, thank you to
Mick for fixing the stove.
Oh, don't mention it.
I was hoping to reset the
element back into the...
Sure! Whatever. But the thing is,
I really need to go to work
and this is getting out of hand,
and someone's brought beers now.
And without being rude,
it would really help me out
if you could leave, please.
Oh, we... we get it.
Listen, I don't want to do this.
This isn't me.
I like all of you.
I want to hear your stories about
traffic cones and play
cards and drink beer.
Why can't you?
Because, Matt, work.
My friend's mum doesn't
like me as it is.
Totally understand.
She thinks I'm out there
doorknocking right now.
Nah, fair enough.
This is all terrible.
- I'll have one beer.
- Yeah!
So, just to be absolutely clear,
eating tofu will not
turn you into a woman.
Sorry, it's a patient.
Hello?
No... no, Mr Johns, don't
take it out yourself.
All right. That was Dr Howlett
taking a phone call
mid-interview. Let's, um...
let's go to a song.
Um, Bruce, I've been meaning to
apologise for the other night.
Um, I'm... I'm sorry about the pub.
No apology needed. It was funny.
Uh, okay, great.
I can't believe it. You
look exactly the same.
Seems like a lifetime ago you were here.
Yeah, yeah. It's been a while, yeah.
All right, you ready to go?
- Yep. All good. Yep.
- Right.
And we're back. That track was... me.
A little guitar ditty I put
together about a week ago.
It's getting a lot of
airplay on the show.
Are you ready for our next guest, Bruce?
- Born ready.
- All right.
We are joined by ex-Rosehaven
native Daniel McCallum.
Uh, thank you for having
me. It's good to be here.
Not a problem.
So you're here to talk
about being a redhead?
Uh, no.
Being a virgin.
- Uh, no. No. Real estate, actually.
- Oh, okay.
So how hard it is to rent a property
when you're a redhead and a virgin?
Uh, no. We're offering free appraisals.
Now, our listeners might not know this,
but we all went to school together
before Danny left for the mainland.
- It's Daniel.
- Now he's back!
Couldn't hack it.
What did bring you back, Daniel?
Well, uh... Rosehaven is a lovely place.
Why wouldn't you move back here?
I don't know. If you
moved away and died.
Like Tina did.
That was tragic.
Tetanus.
Shout out to Rodge and Ange, her
parents, if they're listening.
Daniel, you were saying something?
This week, McCallum real estate
is offering free appraisals.
Okay, Daniel, genuine question,
if I had enough money,
could I buy a cave?
Follow-up question, if the
listeners at home have a cave,
would you be able to
tell them what it's worth?
Well, I mean, you
can't really own a cave.
I mean, maybe if you owned a
block of land that a cave was on...
Would the block of land be
worth more if you had a cave?
It would be if there was
something valuable inside the cave.
Guys, can we bring it back
to appraisals for a second?
No, I think we should throw
this one out to the listeners.
If you're listening at
home, do you have a cave?
If so, what's inside it? Give us a call.
You allowed to have any
pets in your cave, Danny?
That's right, he took
your dog, didn't he?
- Yeah, he was gonna shoot it.
- Oh! No, I wasn't.
And you know you weren't
supposed to have pets.
Ooh, hang on. We... we
have a caller on the line.
- Hello?
- Hello.
I'd just like to say, I think
Daniel sounds like a legend,
and I would love to get
an appraisal from him.
Uh, thank you, caller. We'd
be happy to help you out.
No, thank you.
Sounds like you've got a good
business, and a big penis.
- That's fine, thank you.
- Oh, Danny!
- You've got a fan there, mate.
- Hang on, hang on. Who's this?
Oh, just a concerned citizen
who thinks Daniel's the
best and you guys stink.
- Emma?
- Nope.
That's fine, caller. Thank
you. Get off the phone.
Yes. I will. Go, Daniel!
Oh, and the council needs to
allocate more safety wardens
- to night roadworks. Whoo!
- Righto.
Well, we do actually
have another caller.
- Hello, Andrew.
- Hello. I've got a cave.
That's great. Can you
tell me what's inside it?
Just me.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
You looked like you needed a drink.
Although, technically,
alcohol is a depressant.
Yeah, well, it's my fault for
not knowing enough about... caves.
I would've come to your rescue,
but my knowledge of
caves is limited to...
You know what? I don't
know anything about them.
Um, I'm sorry again about yesterday.
I don't know why,
you tried to kiss me
and I didn't kiss you.
- Yeah, yeah, I remember...
- You just leaned forward
- and I leaned back.
- Yes, I was...
And you've kissed me
before so I knew the look.
It's just that this
time, we didn't kiss,
because we're not together now.
And I was at work.
Yes.
- Um... Grace?
- Yes?
Two questions.
Um, first question,
is there any one food or drink
- we can live off for the rest of our lives?
- Human breast milk.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The hard part, I guess, would be donors.
Yeah. Yeah, that would be...
Um, I mean, I'll put the word out. Uh...
Second question is...
would you like to kiss...
now?
Are you asking me rather than leaning in
- because of what happened last time?
- Yeah. Yeah. Um...
And also I've...
missed kissing you.
I've missed kissing you too.
Well, that's good news. Um...
So...
So... yes.
Great.
Great.
- Okay, well, I'll come sit next to you.
- Yeah.
I'll... I'll pull the chair out
for you in a gesture of goodwill.
Uh, thank... thank you.
Okay. Um...
That was nice.
Yeah. It was... better than
my last attempt, definitely.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
I'm so sorry.
Em?
I thought I could do this, but I can't.
I think I'm one of them now.
- Hang on, what are you talking about?
- The council workers!
There's so many of them.
I think I'm their leader.
Hey... ! What? Why
do you need superglue?
Hang on, I thought there were only two.
I... I'm coming around.
I'm coming around.
Uh... I'm sorry, I
have to... I have to go.
- Emma-related?
- Yeah.
- Were you guys ever... ?
- Oh, no, no. No.
Uh, I mean not that she's not
great, but... is she behind me?
Um, no. No. Um...
Thank you, uh, for... kissing me.
Um, that's a terrible
finish. Thank you for...
- Help.
- Go.
Thank you!
That's a really nice colour on you.
Yes. I think so.
McCallum real estate.
Mum. You're using the smile technique.
Anyway, uh, you're still
there. That's great.
Oh. Lucky I am. No one else seems to be.
Yeah, sorry. Just got a
few things to take care of.
- I'll... I'll pick you up at 5:00?
- Fine.
- Tea?
- Read my mind.
- McCallum real estate.
- Oh, hi.
I heard some redhead on the radio.
And I was calling about
getting an appraisal.
You've gotta give people
a second chance, I reckon.
- Then he robbed a petrol station...
- That's great.
- And I'm still like, nah...
- Guys, seriously,
I really need you to help me
put everything back how
it was and then get out.
Get out. Get out, get
out. Get out. Get out!
We've just discovered
Elka's done circus training.
She's gonna show us some new tricks.
That sounds so awesome,
but no! No! No circus!
Please... Wow.
My friend Dan is on
his way and he's mad,
and Barbara's going to be back
soon, and she is... scary lady.
- Wait, Barbara McCallum?
- Yeah.
- You need to get out...
- This is her house?
- Yes!
- Oh, shit, everyone, it's over!
This is Barbara McCallum's house.
The mean machine's house?
Move it if you ever want
to work in this state again!
Hey!
Wait, are you gonna help me clean?
- Mick. Mick.
- We were never here.
You were everywhere!
What happened?
I thought they were my friends.
I'm never wearing this again.
Or slowing down for
roadworks. I'm gonna speed up!
No, I will slow down, so I can
give them the finger longer.
Are you drunk?
I was earning trust.
Like you said. "Very
politely," you said.
Well, it was too polite, Em.
They found out it was Barbara's
house and then they ran.
They talked about her like
she was some kind of...
monster legend.
- She's gonna put me in a tower.
- No, no, no, it's fine. I'll just...
I'll pick her up from the office
after we've cleaned this up.
Oh, shit.
What happened?
I... had... a party.
The theme was... "Be messy".
It was me. But it wasn't
a party. At the start.
Daniel, can you join me in
the kitchen for a moment?
It's worse in the kitchen.
She's not from here. She
didn't know the rules.
Where she's from, is it normal to
allow strangers to trash your house?
That girl, actually no, grown
woman, she's taking advantage.
- It's not like that...
- I think you should tell her to leave.
Look, if... if you want her to go,
that's fine. It's your house. But...
if Em leaves,
- I will too.
- Don't be so dramatic.
I'm not. We'll stay at
the hotel or something.
It's reasonably priced and they
have the muesli that I like.
I can't have my son stay in a pub.
- What would that look like?
- Well...
Fine.
But she can't be left alone
in the house from now on.
Well, that won't be a problem
because... you'll be here.
Will I?
Yes. You can't just
pop pain pills all day.
You can call the office as many
times as you like, but just...
stay here for now.
You'll heal quicker at
home and you know it.
Also, love you.
It won't be time off.
It'll be working from home.
Of course.
If you don't pick up in
three rings, I'll come down.
Agreed. And we'll...
We'll clean all this up.
No. Emma will.
Your mum doesn't like me, does she?
She... does...
Oh. What did she want to talk
to you about in the kitchen?
Small talk.
Small talk? With your mum?
Em, I'm...
I'm gonna go to bed.
- It's half past four.
- Well, it'll be dark at some point.
I'm really sorry.
I did try. You know that, right?
Jess from the op shop rang.
She says you may have a stalker.
- That's my husband.
- Emma.
- Hello.
- Hi.
He won't leave until I forgive
him. So I guess he's moved here.
Hey! Damien. What are you doing here?
- Well, I'm home tomorrow, Emma.
- Okay.
- He seems nice.
- Yeah.
All right, that was a
track from bash teeth,
that's Rosehaven's premiere
smash mouth tribute band.
You're here with Maddrick at midnight.
We've got a ripper show to get
through, but we actually have
a caller on the line. Hello?
Your show's shit, mate.
- Danny?
- Daniel.
No.
- What?
- The way you eat.
- What do you mean?
- I hate the way you eat.
- Why?
- You sound like a horse walking.
I never know whether
you're having a sandwich
or there's a cowboy coming.
Well, you've never had
a problem with it before.
I know, and I hate that I do now.
Is this what happens when you
spend too much time with someone.
No, it's... it's fine. When... when you
drink your tea, you go, "ahh!".
Makes me want to throw
the tea in your face.
- That's a bit harsh.
- I'd wait till it cooled down.
Thanks.
Ah!
Ah!
Om nom nom! Nom nom!
Ah! Oh, yeah!
Nom nom, nom nom!
- Nom, nom, nom!
- Ah!
- Nom, nom, nom! Nom, nom, nom!
- Oh, that's good tea!
Mum, are you sure you
need to come in today?
You're supposed to be resting.
I did, last night.
No, that was sleeping.
You rest during the day.
Is Emma coming? We need to get going.
I'm coming!
Small disaster.
I dreamt I ironed this, but I didn't.
We need to get going.
You can meet us there.
No, I just need to iron
it. I'll be super quick.
It's fine. You can take Daniel's car.
Please don't crash it.
I mean, I know you
wouldn't do that on purpose,
but just please be careful.
Also, please don't
change my seat settings
or radio settings. Okay? Thank you.
Hey, do you know where
there are any sick jumps?
Funny!
Morning.
Yeah, sorry to interrupt I'm just
working down there on the road.
Could I use your bathroom?
- Oh, of course. Come in.
- Good.
- It's all right. It's just on the right.
- Right.
Come on.
Where's my stapler?
Hm?
Don't move it again.
Mum, are you... are you ready?
- For what?
- B-bace.
B-what?
- Okay, it means...
- What's this?
Oh, that's Emma.
She says if you smile while you talk,
people can hear it on the phone.
Listen.
Thank you for choosing McCallum
real estate. This is Daniel.
Thank you for choosing McCallum
real estate. This is Daniel.
She... she is helping.
- How?
- Well for starters, she's part of this.
B-bace, boosting brand awareness
through community engagement.
The marker ran out before I finished.
I'm going to take your
silence as excitement.
- It's not.
- Okay, two ideas.
First idea, Em and I are
gonna go door to door,
- offering free appraisals.
- Good.
Hm?
Good. It's about time you
got a bit more proactive.
Okay, sorry. Your support,
uh, threw me a little.
Uh, second idea,
I've booked us a regular
spot on the regional roundup.
Just once a month, talking real estate.
Might bring a few new people our way.
- Good.
- Hm?
I don't like talking on those
shows, but if you do, go ahead.
Grace does that slot.
Grace?
Mm. She talks health stuff.
That's where I learned
if you've got a migraine,
you should sniff an apple.
- Is that...
- Just don't be surprised if none of it works.
Not everyone wants to
be bothered at home,
and even less like having
their music replaced
by people talking about real estate.
Oh, Mum, it's going to work.
I'm, uh, turning up
the B-bace on this one.
Had that in my pocket all morning.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go sniff an apple.
Hello?
Em, it's 10:00 AM. You
still haven't left yet?
If you want to impress Mum,
this isn't a great move.
I know.
Did you tell her about B-bace?
Yeah. She liked it. She said,
- "good".
- Did she?
That's great!
Yeah, but you're supposed
to be doing it with me.
- I don't want to doorknock by myself.
- Yeah, I know. I'm coming.
Oh, and Grace is doing
the same slot on the radio.
Are you going to strip to your
undies and try and kiss her again?
Mm, good one. How far away are you?
I am trying. It's just...
there's a road worker in the shower.
There's... there's a what?
He asked to use the bathroom,
so I assumed he meant the toilet.
- Oh, no!
- He's been in there for half an hour.
Em, everyone knows
- you do not let council workers in.
- What?
What are you talking about?
If you let one in, they
think they can all come in.
They're not vampires.
You seriously don't know about this.
No! Is this some weird country
rule no one's ever heard of?
Em, everyone knows
about this, okay. Just...
- just tell him to leave.
- Fine!
But... but don't piss him off or he'll
- park a bulldozer in our driveway or something.
- What?
Last time I visited,
I tripped on a traffic cone.
I got angry with them,
and they glued it to the top of my car.
Well...
how am I supposed to
get rid of him, then?
Just... politely.
Oh, thanks. Great pressure.
Isn't it? Anyway,
I've got to go to work.
So if you don't mind...
- Hey!
- Where did you come from?
Sorry. I knocked, but...
Mick, did you just have a
shower? You're the worst.
Sorry about him.
- Uh...
- Oh.
I hate to ask, but do you mind
if I just heat up my breakfast?
I forgot to eat before I
left because I'm an idiot.
- Oh, I've gotta go.
- Yeah, it'll just take a second.
Oh, the kitchen's over there.
That is really cool of you. Thanks.
Hey, put the kettle on,
will you please, mate?
Yeah, mate!
- Hello!
- Hi.
- What's happened?
- Uh, nothing.
- Nothing?
- No. Sorry.
Uh, I'm from McCallum real estate.
We're offering free appraisals
so you can know the
value of your property.
What? Hang on. Are
you selling something?
Uh, no. Well I hoped you would be.
Your house, that is. Have
you had an appraisal recently?
Look, can you just give me a minute?
I'll get my husband. He'll love this.
Oh, if he'd be interested.
Yeah, that's great. Thank you.
He really likes saying no to
people selling things. Graham!
- If he's not interested, that's fine.
- It won't take a second.
He's really good at confrontation.
I don't want a confrontation.
- What's happened?
- Nothing.
- He's offering free appraisals.
- Oh, okay.
So, instead of just leaving
a flyer in the mailbox,
you're knocking on people's doors?
- Yes. Uh...
- You know what you are?
- Human junk mail.
- Okay...
- Walking spam.
- Right.
Uh, you're like a 3D...
- talking brochure.
- Okay, I might get going.
No, you're like a strip-a-gram, but
instead of taking your clothes off
you're taking off layers of my patience!
Strong finish. Thanks for your time.
Hi. I'm from McCallum real estate.
We're offering free appraisals
so you can know the
value of your property...
Hi. I'm from...
Hi. I'm from, uh, McCallum real estate.
We're offering free appraisals,
so you can know the...
value of... of your property.
No. No, no, no! No, no, no!
Shit.
- Em?
- Oh, hi.
How's it been going?
Not great. Have you got rid of him yet?
They're just on their way out.
They?
Two.
Another one came in to
heat up his breakfast,
and I assumed he meant
microwave, but he meant stove.
And then the stove stopped
working, so one of them's fixing it.
Okay, well, just get rid
of them as soon as you can,
after they fix the stove.
How long's their break, anyway?
They've finished for the day.
Please get them out
of the house, nicely.
Fine. I'll charm them.
This has escalated.
Ha! I think that's done it.
- It's fixed?
- Yeah!
Great. Well, guys, new
guys, this has been great.
Oh, no! Is this chamomile?
Are you okay, Joe?
Oh, allergic.
- Gives me nausea.
- Allergic to what?
- To tea?
- I just need to...
Hey, you need to lie down.
Nah, you probably want
to walk it off outside.
Yeah, okay. Is the bedroom through here?
Hang on. Sorry. I'm gonna
need that Phillips head again.
You're kidding.
Em, I'm at the radio station.
We're going on soon. Where are you?
I'm gonna feel bad if
you've been in an accident,
- but otherwise you're supposed to be here.
- Ah, Daniel.
Hi, um... Grace.
You're here to do the,
uh... Do the... do the radio?
Yes. And you're here to do the...
Why are you here?
Uh, real estate. I'm
here to talk about, um...
- real estate stuff.
- Okay. Yes, that makes sense.
Sorry about trying to
kiss you, uh, yesterday.
Um... in my underpants.
It was really bad timing.
It's fine. It's not like
anyone schedules a kiss.
- Yeah, yeah...
- Other than a wedding ceremony.
But that's the only officially
pre-planned kiss I can think of.
Yeah, or a, um... a play.
Uh, any sort of scripted, um,
performance. Anyway, I'm... I'm sorry.
Actually, I'm glad you brought it up.
- Oh?
- The mole scan found
a few actinic keratoses.
Is... is that horrible-sounding
thing good news, or...
- Sunspots.
- Oh, okay.
Very common in someone
with your complexion.
- Great.
- Ugly, but fine.
The spots, not you.
- Thanks.
- You guys ready?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes!
So, Scott, how many... how
many people listen in nowadays?
Almost everyone here and
in the surrounding areas.
Good.
Remember when we used to go
on school excursions here?
Yeah, I remember it being
pretty frustrating, actually.
Yeah, I know. That's because it
was two hours of showing children
buttons they're not allowed to push.
- Yes. Yes, exactly.
- It's cruel.
It is. It is.
That said, I'm actually pretty
excited to meet, um, Pete Notch.
Do you remember "Kick it
up a notch with Pete Notch"?
Uh, he just swapped over
to the morning shift.
Oh, okay. Who... who hosts now?
Shit.
Okay. Can I have everyone's
attention, please?
Elka, stop reading that atlas!
Everyone, listen to me! Thank you.
First of all, thank you to
Mick for fixing the stove.
Oh, don't mention it.
I was hoping to reset the
element back into the...
Sure! Whatever. But the thing is,
I really need to go to work
and this is getting out of hand,
and someone's brought beers now.
And without being rude,
it would really help me out
if you could leave, please.
Oh, we... we get it.
Listen, I don't want to do this.
This isn't me.
I like all of you.
I want to hear your stories about
traffic cones and play
cards and drink beer.
Why can't you?
Because, Matt, work.
My friend's mum doesn't
like me as it is.
Totally understand.
She thinks I'm out there
doorknocking right now.
Nah, fair enough.
This is all terrible.
- I'll have one beer.
- Yeah!
So, just to be absolutely clear,
eating tofu will not
turn you into a woman.
Sorry, it's a patient.
Hello?
No... no, Mr Johns, don't
take it out yourself.
All right. That was Dr Howlett
taking a phone call
mid-interview. Let's, um...
let's go to a song.
Um, Bruce, I've been meaning to
apologise for the other night.
Um, I'm... I'm sorry about the pub.
No apology needed. It was funny.
Uh, okay, great.
I can't believe it. You
look exactly the same.
Seems like a lifetime ago you were here.
Yeah, yeah. It's been a while, yeah.
All right, you ready to go?
- Yep. All good. Yep.
- Right.
And we're back. That track was... me.
A little guitar ditty I put
together about a week ago.
It's getting a lot of
airplay on the show.
Are you ready for our next guest, Bruce?
- Born ready.
- All right.
We are joined by ex-Rosehaven
native Daniel McCallum.
Uh, thank you for having
me. It's good to be here.
Not a problem.
So you're here to talk
about being a redhead?
Uh, no.
Being a virgin.
- Uh, no. No. Real estate, actually.
- Oh, okay.
So how hard it is to rent a property
when you're a redhead and a virgin?
Uh, no. We're offering free appraisals.
Now, our listeners might not know this,
but we all went to school together
before Danny left for the mainland.
- It's Daniel.
- Now he's back!
Couldn't hack it.
What did bring you back, Daniel?
Well, uh... Rosehaven is a lovely place.
Why wouldn't you move back here?
I don't know. If you
moved away and died.
Like Tina did.
That was tragic.
Tetanus.
Shout out to Rodge and Ange, her
parents, if they're listening.
Daniel, you were saying something?
This week, McCallum real estate
is offering free appraisals.
Okay, Daniel, genuine question,
if I had enough money,
could I buy a cave?
Follow-up question, if the
listeners at home have a cave,
would you be able to
tell them what it's worth?
Well, I mean, you
can't really own a cave.
I mean, maybe if you owned a
block of land that a cave was on...
Would the block of land be
worth more if you had a cave?
It would be if there was
something valuable inside the cave.
Guys, can we bring it back
to appraisals for a second?
No, I think we should throw
this one out to the listeners.
If you're listening at
home, do you have a cave?
If so, what's inside it? Give us a call.
You allowed to have any
pets in your cave, Danny?
That's right, he took
your dog, didn't he?
- Yeah, he was gonna shoot it.
- Oh! No, I wasn't.
And you know you weren't
supposed to have pets.
Ooh, hang on. We... we
have a caller on the line.
- Hello?
- Hello.
I'd just like to say, I think
Daniel sounds like a legend,
and I would love to get
an appraisal from him.
Uh, thank you, caller. We'd
be happy to help you out.
No, thank you.
Sounds like you've got a good
business, and a big penis.
- That's fine, thank you.
- Oh, Danny!
- You've got a fan there, mate.
- Hang on, hang on. Who's this?
Oh, just a concerned citizen
who thinks Daniel's the
best and you guys stink.
- Emma?
- Nope.
That's fine, caller. Thank
you. Get off the phone.
Yes. I will. Go, Daniel!
Oh, and the council needs to
allocate more safety wardens
- to night roadworks. Whoo!
- Righto.
Well, we do actually
have another caller.
- Hello, Andrew.
- Hello. I've got a cave.
That's great. Can you
tell me what's inside it?
Just me.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
You looked like you needed a drink.
Although, technically,
alcohol is a depressant.
Yeah, well, it's my fault for
not knowing enough about... caves.
I would've come to your rescue,
but my knowledge of
caves is limited to...
You know what? I don't
know anything about them.
Um, I'm sorry again about yesterday.
I don't know why,
you tried to kiss me
and I didn't kiss you.
- Yeah, yeah, I remember...
- You just leaned forward
- and I leaned back.
- Yes, I was...
And you've kissed me
before so I knew the look.
It's just that this
time, we didn't kiss,
because we're not together now.
And I was at work.
Yes.
- Um... Grace?
- Yes?
Two questions.
Um, first question,
is there any one food or drink
- we can live off for the rest of our lives?
- Human breast milk.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The hard part, I guess, would be donors.
Yeah. Yeah, that would be...
Um, I mean, I'll put the word out. Uh...
Second question is...
would you like to kiss...
now?
Are you asking me rather than leaning in
- because of what happened last time?
- Yeah. Yeah. Um...
And also I've...
missed kissing you.
I've missed kissing you too.
Well, that's good news. Um...
So...
So... yes.
Great.
Great.
- Okay, well, I'll come sit next to you.
- Yeah.
I'll... I'll pull the chair out
for you in a gesture of goodwill.
Uh, thank... thank you.
Okay. Um...
That was nice.
Yeah. It was... better than
my last attempt, definitely.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
I'm so sorry.
Em?
I thought I could do this, but I can't.
I think I'm one of them now.
- Hang on, what are you talking about?
- The council workers!
There's so many of them.
I think I'm their leader.
Hey... ! What? Why
do you need superglue?
Hang on, I thought there were only two.
I... I'm coming around.
I'm coming around.
Uh... I'm sorry, I
have to... I have to go.
- Emma-related?
- Yeah.
- Were you guys ever... ?
- Oh, no, no. No.
Uh, I mean not that she's not
great, but... is she behind me?
Um, no. No. Um...
Thank you, uh, for... kissing me.
Um, that's a terrible
finish. Thank you for...
- Help.
- Go.
Thank you!
That's a really nice colour on you.
Yes. I think so.
McCallum real estate.
Mum. You're using the smile technique.
Anyway, uh, you're still
there. That's great.
Oh. Lucky I am. No one else seems to be.
Yeah, sorry. Just got a
few things to take care of.
- I'll... I'll pick you up at 5:00?
- Fine.
- Tea?
- Read my mind.
- McCallum real estate.
- Oh, hi.
I heard some redhead on the radio.
And I was calling about
getting an appraisal.
You've gotta give people
a second chance, I reckon.
- Then he robbed a petrol station...
- That's great.
- And I'm still like, nah...
- Guys, seriously,
I really need you to help me
put everything back how
it was and then get out.
Get out. Get out, get
out. Get out. Get out!
We've just discovered
Elka's done circus training.
She's gonna show us some new tricks.
That sounds so awesome,
but no! No! No circus!
Please... Wow.
My friend Dan is on
his way and he's mad,
and Barbara's going to be back
soon, and she is... scary lady.
- Wait, Barbara McCallum?
- Yeah.
- You need to get out...
- This is her house?
- Yes!
- Oh, shit, everyone, it's over!
This is Barbara McCallum's house.
The mean machine's house?
Move it if you ever want
to work in this state again!
Hey!
Wait, are you gonna help me clean?
- Mick. Mick.
- We were never here.
You were everywhere!
What happened?
I thought they were my friends.
I'm never wearing this again.
Or slowing down for
roadworks. I'm gonna speed up!
No, I will slow down, so I can
give them the finger longer.
Are you drunk?
I was earning trust.
Like you said. "Very
politely," you said.
Well, it was too polite, Em.
They found out it was Barbara's
house and then they ran.
They talked about her like
she was some kind of...
monster legend.
- She's gonna put me in a tower.
- No, no, no, it's fine. I'll just...
I'll pick her up from the office
after we've cleaned this up.
Oh, shit.
What happened?
I... had... a party.
The theme was... "Be messy".
It was me. But it wasn't
a party. At the start.
Daniel, can you join me in
the kitchen for a moment?
It's worse in the kitchen.
She's not from here. She
didn't know the rules.
Where she's from, is it normal to
allow strangers to trash your house?
That girl, actually no, grown
woman, she's taking advantage.
- It's not like that...
- I think you should tell her to leave.
Look, if... if you want her to go,
that's fine. It's your house. But...
if Em leaves,
- I will too.
- Don't be so dramatic.
I'm not. We'll stay at
the hotel or something.
It's reasonably priced and they
have the muesli that I like.
I can't have my son stay in a pub.
- What would that look like?
- Well...
Fine.
But she can't be left alone
in the house from now on.
Well, that won't be a problem
because... you'll be here.
Will I?
Yes. You can't just
pop pain pills all day.
You can call the office as many
times as you like, but just...
stay here for now.
You'll heal quicker at
home and you know it.
Also, love you.
It won't be time off.
It'll be working from home.
Of course.
If you don't pick up in
three rings, I'll come down.
Agreed. And we'll...
We'll clean all this up.
No. Emma will.
Your mum doesn't like me, does she?
She... does...
Oh. What did she want to talk
to you about in the kitchen?
Small talk.
Small talk? With your mum?
Em, I'm...
I'm gonna go to bed.
- It's half past four.
- Well, it'll be dark at some point.
I'm really sorry.
I did try. You know that, right?
Jess from the op shop rang.
She says you may have a stalker.
- That's my husband.
- Emma.
- Hello.
- Hi.
He won't leave until I forgive
him. So I guess he's moved here.
Hey! Damien. What are you doing here?
- Well, I'm home tomorrow, Emma.
- Okay.
- He seems nice.
- Yeah.
All right, that was a
track from bash teeth,
that's Rosehaven's premiere
smash mouth tribute band.
You're here with Maddrick at midnight.
We've got a ripper show to get
through, but we actually have
a caller on the line. Hello?
Your show's shit, mate.
- Danny?
- Daniel.
No.