Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Life and Stuff - full transcript
In the series pilot, Roseanne is summoned to a parent/teacher conference after Darlene has been barking in class.
( HARMONICA WAILS )
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
- Mom.
- What?
- I got a knot in my shoe.
- Wear loafers.
- Come on, mom.
- All right. Give it here.
Can I have pie for breakfast?
No, that's contaminated.
Go sit down and eat
your breakfast now,
and don't spill
your milk today neither.
Here you go.
Is there coffee?
- Dan…?
- Yeah?
Isn't there coffee
every morning?
Yes.
In the 15 years
we've been married,
has there ever been one morning
where there wasn't any coffee?
No.
Then why do you have to ask me
every morning if there's coffee?
Is there toast?
- What's going on with you?
- Mother, this is very important.
Our school's having
a food drive for poor people.
Well, tell them to drive
some of that food over here.
- Mother!
- Two cans. That's it.
Don't touch that creamed corn.
- ( TELEPHONE RINGS )
- I'll get it.
- Hello?
- Mom!
- He started it.
- Did not.
Knock it off, you two.
Stop it. Get away.
- Listen to your mother.
- You heard your father.
- Don't tell him that.
- Get off the phone.
- Mom…
- Now.
I got to go.
Bye.
Dad, you know what would be
really good for breakfast?
- What?
- Pie.
- Tell him no.
- No.
( PHONE RINGS )
Oh, hi. I looked in the
mirror and I'm getting boobs.
Becky can't talk now.
Oh, my gosh. I was
supposed to give you this.
What is it?
It's a note from my history
teacher, miss crane.
- You got to meet with her at 3:15.
- Today?
Uh-huh.
Why do you wait till the last
minute to tell me these things?
I've got a life, too. It's not
like I don't have nothing to do.
I'm sorry. What do you want me to
do, throw myself off a bridge?
Yeah, and take your brother
and sister with you.
( HORN HONKS )
You guys didn't even
brush your teeth.
We don't have time.
We'll miss the bus.
- Bye.
- DAN: Bye.
Quick, they're gone.
Change the locks.
What is it?
- I really don't wanna pick…
- What?
I can't stand it when people leave
toast crumbs on the butter.
What difference does it make? You're
gonna smear it on your toast.
It ain't right.
You don't like it when people leave
jelly in the peanut butter jar.
Well, that's sickening.
- Same thing.
- Is not.
- Afraid so.
- All right, here.
Nice, fresh butter.
Knock yourself out.
I love you, darlin'.
I love you, too.
( HORN HONKS )
Save me that detergent coupon.
Becky!
- Dan.
- What?
The sink's all backed up again.
I'll plunge it right
after breakfast.
I don't want you to plunge it.
I want you to fix it.
- You got it, babe.
- This is the third time this week.
- You got to fix it today.
- Absolutely.
Mom, my bookbag just fell apart.
I just bought it yesterday.
- ( HORN HONKS )
- Mom, please, you gotta take it back.
- All right. I'll do it after work.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
Could you meet with
Darlene's teacher today?
I can't do it today. I'm
putting in a bid on a job.
If I get it, me and Freddy start
construction this afternoon.
How about this bookbag?
Can you exchange that?
Could you fit that into
your tight schedule there?
It's either that
or fix the sink.
Okay, fix the sink.
I'll do everything else...
like I always do.
I'll have to get off work an
hour early, lose an hour's pay,
totally rearrange
my whole schedule.
But I don't mind.
Are you ever sorry
we got married?
Every second of my life.
- Me, too.
- You are really?
- Nah.
- Okay, me neither, then.
Hey…
Who would you have married
if you didn't marry me?
- Rosie...!
- Come on, who?
No one.
Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't... who?
This time I swear
I won't get mad.
- I know, Beth Winchester.
- Are you kidding?
I'm not gonna get mad. I just
want you tell me the truth.
I swear I'm not getting mad.
Just tell.
Josephine carter.
Josephine carter, that old slut?
She had great toes.
- Toes?
- Yeah.
She used to sit there
and cross her legs
and dangle her shoe
off the end of her toe.
Drove me crazy.
- So you were gonna marry her for that?
- Yes, ma'am.
Well, why didn't ya?
Well, the morning
I was gonna propose,
I took her over to this
little coffee shop,
a real quiet
out-of-the-way place.
And just as I was about
to pop the question,
she smeared toast crumbs
all over her butter.
That was it. I got up, I left.
I didn't even pay the check.
You think you're
pretty cute, don't ya?
Pretty much.
Booker, I got to get off
an hour early today.
I can't do it. We're 200 cases
behind on that Gillman order.
But I gotta, booker.
It's really, really important.
You have to understand
my position.
Well, you have to
understand my position.
I got to go to school
and talk to my kid's teacher.
Roseanne, here
at Wellman plastics,
we are a team.
I'd like to make us
a winning team.
All the players
are equally as important.
The running backs are no more
important than the pulling guards.
- Pulling guards are no more...
- yeah, I got it.
It's like a big
ol' quilting bee.
A what?
Where all the barefoot women
on the prairie get together
and they all stitch this one
really incredible quilt,
and no one patch
is any more important
than any other patch
kind of thing.
Uh-huh.
The woman sewing this patch has
to get off an hour early today.
- Look, Roseanne...
- I'm looking, booker.
- Give me a break.
- All right.
I'll give you a half an hour, and
it's coming out of your check.
Well, there goes the Porsche.
I just love it when
a guy talks sports.
It does something to me.
The only thing
that's more exciting
is when dan talks about
hydraulic jacks and snow tires.
You can joke all you want.
You got yourself the ideal man.
- Oh, "ideal," huh?
- Sure.
I'd give anything to
have a man like dan.
He stays home.
He never runs around on you.
He's good to the kids,
and he's hygienic.
Well, crystal, you think
he came that way?
It's 15 years of fighting
that made him like that.
You're so full of it.
I'm serious. A good man
don't just happen.
They have to be created
by us women.
You think you know everything.
Well, I do know
everything, crystal.
A guy is a lump
like this doughnut.
So first, you got to get
rid of all the stuff
his mom did to him.
Then you got to get rid
of all that macho crap
that they pick up
from the beer commercials.
And then there's my personal
favourite, the male ego.
( WHISTLE BLOWS )
Hi, sis.
- Hi.Roseanne.
- What?
You realize that most people
use only two percent
of their mind's potential?
- That much, huh?
- Last night…
I went to this
incredible seminar.
What was it this time,
"dare to be a millionaire"?
- "See it and be it."
- Be what?
- Hi, Jackie.
- Hey, crystal.
Roseanne, this guy,
Dr. Jerry Macklett,
he teaches you how to tap
into the hidden treasures
of your unconscious mind.
- He does, huh?
- Yeah, it's so simple.
He goes, "if your mind
can conceive it"
and your heart can believe it,
then you can achieve it."
Achieve what?
Sis here went to another one
of her incredible seminars.
It's great.
It's great.
Maybe I should go with you
to one of your seminars.
"See it and be it."
That's the one you should go to, crystal.
This will change your life.
- I've love to change my life.
- JACKIE: Well, you can.
For only $30... it's
a one-night course,
what you get are the
basics of visualization.
Visualization?
You use your mind's potential
to get anything you want.
You want a brand-new car?
All you do is visualize it.
That sounds easy enough.
Maybe you're on to
something here, sis.
- Yeah, you... get out of here.
- I'm serious.
I'm visualizing a clean house…
And kids who don't talk back
and a husband who waits
on me hand and foot.
You can have that.
And we're all getting
in crystal's brand-new car…
And we're driving up
this beautiful mountain road
to go to the countryside
to visit my sister
in the nut barn.
Hi.are you the history teacher?
Yes. I'm ms. Crane.
Hi. I'm Darlene's mom.
Oh, I'd given up on you.
You're 15 minutes late.
I'm really sorry. I got
here as soon as I could.
I don't think we
can do this today.
- What?
- I have another engagement.
What, you're gonna
go play tennis?
Squash.
Could we do this another day?
No.
I had to get off from work
an hour early and lose pay,
then I got caught in traffic.
All right, we'll do it today.
Have a seat.
Darlene has been demonstrating
behavioural problems.
What does that mean?
She's been barking in class.
- Barking?
- Like a dog.
Well, did you tell
her to stop it?
- MS. CRANE: I did.
- Did she stop it?
- She stopped.
- What's the problem?
I feel this barking is an
aggressive manifestation
of a deeper internal problem.
Huh?
Now, let me explain.
We have found
that when behavioural problems
arise in the classroom,
it usually indicates
a problem at home.
Uh-huh…
How would you describe your
relationship with your daughter?
I'd say it's typical.
"Typical"? Not special?
Typical.
Do you feel you spend enough
time with your daughter?
You mean like "quality time"?
Yes. Do you spend any
free time with Darlene?
Well, I have three
kids and I work,
so I don't have any free time.
See, now, that may
be the problem.
Mm-hmm…
I think the problem is
is that there is no problem.
Your daughter barks.
Our whole family barks.
I talked to your
history teacher today.
Oh, ms. Crane the pain?
Yeah, you're a real
jokester, all right.
- ( TV AUDIO CLATTERS )
- Turn that down.
( TV AUDIO STOPS )
She says you've been
barking in class.
Yeah.
Well, what do you
wanna do that for?
Mom, she is so boring.
If I don't bark,
I'll fall asleep.
Mom, did you get my bookbag?
- Yeah, it's over there.
- Okay, thanks.
I mean it, Darlene. You
need to knock it off.
I'm serious. No more barking.
But everyone makes fun of ms.
Crane.
Mom, this is blue.
- Hey, I'm talking to mom.
- Well, so am I.
Shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up.
You are so immature.
Stop it, you two. Knock it off.
You're gonna use that
bag until you're 30.
Oh, great. I'm just gonna
look like a freak.
- What else is new?
- Shut up.
This is why some animals
eat their young.
I want you to take all of your
stuff o your room right now.
- Hi, babe.
- Hi.
Dad, I struck out
mark Winstead six times.
- Yeah, I saw that in the sports page.
- Dad...
and something about him
being your boyfriend?
What? He is not my boyfriend.
You always strike out
the one you love…
Mrs. Winstead.
He is not my boyfriend.
I can't stand him.
- ♪ k-i-s-s-i-n-g… ♪
- DARLENE: Be quiet!
♪ first comes love,
then comes marriage… ♪
- did you get any beer?
- It's on the counter.
Thanks, honey.
You're a peach.
♪ then comes Marky
in a baby carriage. ♪
hey, this is warm.
That's all right.
Dan…?
Yes?
How come that sink
ain't fixed yet?
I'm gonna get right on it.
Aw, check this out.
A genuine hand-carved
figurehead.
Uh-huh, yeah.
When I get the boat finished, I'm gonna
slap this baby right on the front.
- Oh, you are, huh?
- Yeah, ain't it a beaut?
I can't believe Dwight
was gonna throw this out.
What were you doing
over at Dwight's?
Me and Freddy went over there
to help him work on this truck.
You said you were gonna
start a job today.
Well, I didn't get it.
Somebody put in a lower bid.
So you had, like,
the whole day off?
No, I didn't have
the whole day off.
I was busy…
Making contacts.
With what, Dwight's
truck and a six-pack?
- Oh, come on, Roseanne.
- Oh, come on, dan.
I was hoping to kick
a little work my way.
I got my last two
jobs from Dwight.
Well, maybe he can
get you your next wife.
- Maybe.
- Ooh!
What would
I ever do without you?
Just sit there and drink your beer, hubby.
I'll fix the sink myself.
The hell you will.
I'll fix the sink.
Oh, talk is cheap, Mr. Fix-it.
Fixing a sink is a husband's job.
I am the husband.
And I'm the wife, so it's my job
to do everything else, right?
- Oh, don't give me that.
- Oh, well, it must be true.
I put in eight hours a
day at the factory,
then come home and put in
another eight hours.
I'm running around like
a maniac, taking back...
- mom, where's the tape?
- In the bathroom, third drawer...
…bookbags, talking to
teachers and everything else,
- and you don't do nothing!
- Whoa!
Hey, I do plenty around here.
Like what?
Clean the gutters.
And…?
What's the point here, Roseanne?
There is no point, okay?
No point.
The point is…
You think this is
a magic kingdom
where you just sit
up here on your throne.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
And you think everything gets
done by some wonderful wizard.
Poof!
The laundry's folded.
Poof!
Dinner's on the table.
You want me to fix dinner?
I'll fix dinner.
I'm fixing dinner.
Oh, but, honey, you just fixed
dinner three years ago.
Think I can't cook?
I can cook. I'm cooking.
And I'll spend the rest of the
night washing up the dishes.
- Hey, I do the dishes.
- When?
Thursday, 6:45 P.M.
1970-what?
We can't have a big can
of corn for dinner.
I'll do it. Oh, let me do it.
It's easier.
See? I try to help.
Well, you better try a little bit harder.
You know why?
You better come down off
of your throne right now
and start helping me out
'cause I'm getting fed up.
Well, I got a royal
news flash for you...
mom, dad! Darlene
cut her finger off!
- ROSEANNE: What happened?
- She cut herself with the scissors.
Let's see.Okay.
Come on, let's go.
Take her to the emergency room!
She needs a tourniquet!
Shut up, honey.
I'm just gonna rinse
this off first, okay?
- DARLENE: Ow…
- DAN: It's okay. It's gonna be all right.
We just got to keep your
finger above your head.
- But it hurts.
- Yeah, honey.
Try not to think about your finger.
Think about something else.
- I can't.
- Yeah, you can.
- Think about a flower.
- Flower?
Yeah, close your eyes.
Go ahead, close 'em.
Okay. Now, think about
a real pretty flower.
It's out in the
middle of the field,
and the sun's shining on it.
- Can you see it?
- No!
Forget about the flower... think
about the demolition derby.
What about it?
Remember how that yellow
station wagon got clobbered?
Yeah, that was neat.
And then two guys sandwiched him
and slammed him into a wall.
Yeah?
DAN: And then Ricky
tornado come full speed
and tore the guy's rear end
off and flipped him over.
Yeah, that was a blast.
Okay, bub, you're all finished.
- I am?
- Yep.
I didn't even feel it.
- ROSEANNE: Pretty cool, huh?
- Yeah.Thanks.
- Are you hungry?
- Not really.
- Great, I'll fix dinner.
- Great.
( ROUGH SCRATCHING )
Here you go.
Oh, thanks, babe.
Thank you.
Honey, feel that board.
You won't believe
how smooth it is.
Run your hand along it.
Feels good, huh?
( FLATLY ) Yeah, I'm
trembling with excitement.
Just think…
When you and I are retired, we're gonna
be cruising the Caribbean on this baby.
I'm not getting on this thing.
It'll be great.
We'll spend our last years
together sailing through paradise.
This sailor stuff really
turns you on, huh?
Absolutely.
There's nothing more romantic
than drifting on the open sea.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Be all alone together
every night,
cuddle up in bed…
Moonlight dancing on the water.
Every night will be
a voyage to ecstasy.
You're turning me on.
- I am?
- Yeah. Let's do it.
What about the sink?
Anywhere you want.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( LAUGHING )
- Mom.
- What?
- I got a knot in my shoe.
- Wear loafers.
- Come on, mom.
- All right. Give it here.
Can I have pie for breakfast?
No, that's contaminated.
Go sit down and eat
your breakfast now,
and don't spill
your milk today neither.
Here you go.
Is there coffee?
- Dan…?
- Yeah?
Isn't there coffee
every morning?
Yes.
In the 15 years
we've been married,
has there ever been one morning
where there wasn't any coffee?
No.
Then why do you have to ask me
every morning if there's coffee?
Is there toast?
- What's going on with you?
- Mother, this is very important.
Our school's having
a food drive for poor people.
Well, tell them to drive
some of that food over here.
- Mother!
- Two cans. That's it.
Don't touch that creamed corn.
- ( TELEPHONE RINGS )
- I'll get it.
- Hello?
- Mom!
- He started it.
- Did not.
Knock it off, you two.
Stop it. Get away.
- Listen to your mother.
- You heard your father.
- Don't tell him that.
- Get off the phone.
- Mom…
- Now.
I got to go.
Bye.
Dad, you know what would be
really good for breakfast?
- What?
- Pie.
- Tell him no.
- No.
( PHONE RINGS )
Oh, hi. I looked in the
mirror and I'm getting boobs.
Becky can't talk now.
Oh, my gosh. I was
supposed to give you this.
What is it?
It's a note from my history
teacher, miss crane.
- You got to meet with her at 3:15.
- Today?
Uh-huh.
Why do you wait till the last
minute to tell me these things?
I've got a life, too. It's not
like I don't have nothing to do.
I'm sorry. What do you want me to
do, throw myself off a bridge?
Yeah, and take your brother
and sister with you.
( HORN HONKS )
You guys didn't even
brush your teeth.
We don't have time.
We'll miss the bus.
- Bye.
- DAN: Bye.
Quick, they're gone.
Change the locks.
What is it?
- I really don't wanna pick…
- What?
I can't stand it when people leave
toast crumbs on the butter.
What difference does it make? You're
gonna smear it on your toast.
It ain't right.
You don't like it when people leave
jelly in the peanut butter jar.
Well, that's sickening.
- Same thing.
- Is not.
- Afraid so.
- All right, here.
Nice, fresh butter.
Knock yourself out.
I love you, darlin'.
I love you, too.
( HORN HONKS )
Save me that detergent coupon.
Becky!
- Dan.
- What?
The sink's all backed up again.
I'll plunge it right
after breakfast.
I don't want you to plunge it.
I want you to fix it.
- You got it, babe.
- This is the third time this week.
- You got to fix it today.
- Absolutely.
Mom, my bookbag just fell apart.
I just bought it yesterday.
- ( HORN HONKS )
- Mom, please, you gotta take it back.
- All right. I'll do it after work.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
Could you meet with
Darlene's teacher today?
I can't do it today. I'm
putting in a bid on a job.
If I get it, me and Freddy start
construction this afternoon.
How about this bookbag?
Can you exchange that?
Could you fit that into
your tight schedule there?
It's either that
or fix the sink.
Okay, fix the sink.
I'll do everything else...
like I always do.
I'll have to get off work an
hour early, lose an hour's pay,
totally rearrange
my whole schedule.
But I don't mind.
Are you ever sorry
we got married?
Every second of my life.
- Me, too.
- You are really?
- Nah.
- Okay, me neither, then.
Hey…
Who would you have married
if you didn't marry me?
- Rosie...!
- Come on, who?
No one.
Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't... who?
This time I swear
I won't get mad.
- I know, Beth Winchester.
- Are you kidding?
I'm not gonna get mad. I just
want you tell me the truth.
I swear I'm not getting mad.
Just tell.
Josephine carter.
Josephine carter, that old slut?
She had great toes.
- Toes?
- Yeah.
She used to sit there
and cross her legs
and dangle her shoe
off the end of her toe.
Drove me crazy.
- So you were gonna marry her for that?
- Yes, ma'am.
Well, why didn't ya?
Well, the morning
I was gonna propose,
I took her over to this
little coffee shop,
a real quiet
out-of-the-way place.
And just as I was about
to pop the question,
she smeared toast crumbs
all over her butter.
That was it. I got up, I left.
I didn't even pay the check.
You think you're
pretty cute, don't ya?
Pretty much.
Booker, I got to get off
an hour early today.
I can't do it. We're 200 cases
behind on that Gillman order.
But I gotta, booker.
It's really, really important.
You have to understand
my position.
Well, you have to
understand my position.
I got to go to school
and talk to my kid's teacher.
Roseanne, here
at Wellman plastics,
we are a team.
I'd like to make us
a winning team.
All the players
are equally as important.
The running backs are no more
important than the pulling guards.
- Pulling guards are no more...
- yeah, I got it.
It's like a big
ol' quilting bee.
A what?
Where all the barefoot women
on the prairie get together
and they all stitch this one
really incredible quilt,
and no one patch
is any more important
than any other patch
kind of thing.
Uh-huh.
The woman sewing this patch has
to get off an hour early today.
- Look, Roseanne...
- I'm looking, booker.
- Give me a break.
- All right.
I'll give you a half an hour, and
it's coming out of your check.
Well, there goes the Porsche.
I just love it when
a guy talks sports.
It does something to me.
The only thing
that's more exciting
is when dan talks about
hydraulic jacks and snow tires.
You can joke all you want.
You got yourself the ideal man.
- Oh, "ideal," huh?
- Sure.
I'd give anything to
have a man like dan.
He stays home.
He never runs around on you.
He's good to the kids,
and he's hygienic.
Well, crystal, you think
he came that way?
It's 15 years of fighting
that made him like that.
You're so full of it.
I'm serious. A good man
don't just happen.
They have to be created
by us women.
You think you know everything.
Well, I do know
everything, crystal.
A guy is a lump
like this doughnut.
So first, you got to get
rid of all the stuff
his mom did to him.
Then you got to get rid
of all that macho crap
that they pick up
from the beer commercials.
And then there's my personal
favourite, the male ego.
( WHISTLE BLOWS )
Hi, sis.
- Hi.Roseanne.
- What?
You realize that most people
use only two percent
of their mind's potential?
- That much, huh?
- Last night…
I went to this
incredible seminar.
What was it this time,
"dare to be a millionaire"?
- "See it and be it."
- Be what?
- Hi, Jackie.
- Hey, crystal.
Roseanne, this guy,
Dr. Jerry Macklett,
he teaches you how to tap
into the hidden treasures
of your unconscious mind.
- He does, huh?
- Yeah, it's so simple.
He goes, "if your mind
can conceive it"
and your heart can believe it,
then you can achieve it."
Achieve what?
Sis here went to another one
of her incredible seminars.
It's great.
It's great.
Maybe I should go with you
to one of your seminars.
"See it and be it."
That's the one you should go to, crystal.
This will change your life.
- I've love to change my life.
- JACKIE: Well, you can.
For only $30... it's
a one-night course,
what you get are the
basics of visualization.
Visualization?
You use your mind's potential
to get anything you want.
You want a brand-new car?
All you do is visualize it.
That sounds easy enough.
Maybe you're on to
something here, sis.
- Yeah, you... get out of here.
- I'm serious.
I'm visualizing a clean house…
And kids who don't talk back
and a husband who waits
on me hand and foot.
You can have that.
And we're all getting
in crystal's brand-new car…
And we're driving up
this beautiful mountain road
to go to the countryside
to visit my sister
in the nut barn.
Hi.are you the history teacher?
Yes. I'm ms. Crane.
Hi. I'm Darlene's mom.
Oh, I'd given up on you.
You're 15 minutes late.
I'm really sorry. I got
here as soon as I could.
I don't think we
can do this today.
- What?
- I have another engagement.
What, you're gonna
go play tennis?
Squash.
Could we do this another day?
No.
I had to get off from work
an hour early and lose pay,
then I got caught in traffic.
All right, we'll do it today.
Have a seat.
Darlene has been demonstrating
behavioural problems.
What does that mean?
She's been barking in class.
- Barking?
- Like a dog.
Well, did you tell
her to stop it?
- MS. CRANE: I did.
- Did she stop it?
- She stopped.
- What's the problem?
I feel this barking is an
aggressive manifestation
of a deeper internal problem.
Huh?
Now, let me explain.
We have found
that when behavioural problems
arise in the classroom,
it usually indicates
a problem at home.
Uh-huh…
How would you describe your
relationship with your daughter?
I'd say it's typical.
"Typical"? Not special?
Typical.
Do you feel you spend enough
time with your daughter?
You mean like "quality time"?
Yes. Do you spend any
free time with Darlene?
Well, I have three
kids and I work,
so I don't have any free time.
See, now, that may
be the problem.
Mm-hmm…
I think the problem is
is that there is no problem.
Your daughter barks.
Our whole family barks.
I talked to your
history teacher today.
Oh, ms. Crane the pain?
Yeah, you're a real
jokester, all right.
- ( TV AUDIO CLATTERS )
- Turn that down.
( TV AUDIO STOPS )
She says you've been
barking in class.
Yeah.
Well, what do you
wanna do that for?
Mom, she is so boring.
If I don't bark,
I'll fall asleep.
Mom, did you get my bookbag?
- Yeah, it's over there.
- Okay, thanks.
I mean it, Darlene. You
need to knock it off.
I'm serious. No more barking.
But everyone makes fun of ms.
Crane.
Mom, this is blue.
- Hey, I'm talking to mom.
- Well, so am I.
Shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up.
You are so immature.
Stop it, you two. Knock it off.
You're gonna use that
bag until you're 30.
Oh, great. I'm just gonna
look like a freak.
- What else is new?
- Shut up.
This is why some animals
eat their young.
I want you to take all of your
stuff o your room right now.
- Hi, babe.
- Hi.
Dad, I struck out
mark Winstead six times.
- Yeah, I saw that in the sports page.
- Dad...
and something about him
being your boyfriend?
What? He is not my boyfriend.
You always strike out
the one you love…
Mrs. Winstead.
He is not my boyfriend.
I can't stand him.
- ♪ k-i-s-s-i-n-g… ♪
- DARLENE: Be quiet!
♪ first comes love,
then comes marriage… ♪
- did you get any beer?
- It's on the counter.
Thanks, honey.
You're a peach.
♪ then comes Marky
in a baby carriage. ♪
hey, this is warm.
That's all right.
Dan…?
Yes?
How come that sink
ain't fixed yet?
I'm gonna get right on it.
Aw, check this out.
A genuine hand-carved
figurehead.
Uh-huh, yeah.
When I get the boat finished, I'm gonna
slap this baby right on the front.
- Oh, you are, huh?
- Yeah, ain't it a beaut?
I can't believe Dwight
was gonna throw this out.
What were you doing
over at Dwight's?
Me and Freddy went over there
to help him work on this truck.
You said you were gonna
start a job today.
Well, I didn't get it.
Somebody put in a lower bid.
So you had, like,
the whole day off?
No, I didn't have
the whole day off.
I was busy…
Making contacts.
With what, Dwight's
truck and a six-pack?
- Oh, come on, Roseanne.
- Oh, come on, dan.
I was hoping to kick
a little work my way.
I got my last two
jobs from Dwight.
Well, maybe he can
get you your next wife.
- Maybe.
- Ooh!
What would
I ever do without you?
Just sit there and drink your beer, hubby.
I'll fix the sink myself.
The hell you will.
I'll fix the sink.
Oh, talk is cheap, Mr. Fix-it.
Fixing a sink is a husband's job.
I am the husband.
And I'm the wife, so it's my job
to do everything else, right?
- Oh, don't give me that.
- Oh, well, it must be true.
I put in eight hours a
day at the factory,
then come home and put in
another eight hours.
I'm running around like
a maniac, taking back...
- mom, where's the tape?
- In the bathroom, third drawer...
…bookbags, talking to
teachers and everything else,
- and you don't do nothing!
- Whoa!
Hey, I do plenty around here.
Like what?
Clean the gutters.
And…?
What's the point here, Roseanne?
There is no point, okay?
No point.
The point is…
You think this is
a magic kingdom
where you just sit
up here on your throne.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
And you think everything gets
done by some wonderful wizard.
Poof!
The laundry's folded.
Poof!
Dinner's on the table.
You want me to fix dinner?
I'll fix dinner.
I'm fixing dinner.
Oh, but, honey, you just fixed
dinner three years ago.
Think I can't cook?
I can cook. I'm cooking.
And I'll spend the rest of the
night washing up the dishes.
- Hey, I do the dishes.
- When?
Thursday, 6:45 P.M.
1970-what?
We can't have a big can
of corn for dinner.
I'll do it. Oh, let me do it.
It's easier.
See? I try to help.
Well, you better try a little bit harder.
You know why?
You better come down off
of your throne right now
and start helping me out
'cause I'm getting fed up.
Well, I got a royal
news flash for you...
mom, dad! Darlene
cut her finger off!
- ROSEANNE: What happened?
- She cut herself with the scissors.
Let's see.Okay.
Come on, let's go.
Take her to the emergency room!
She needs a tourniquet!
Shut up, honey.
I'm just gonna rinse
this off first, okay?
- DARLENE: Ow…
- DAN: It's okay. It's gonna be all right.
We just got to keep your
finger above your head.
- But it hurts.
- Yeah, honey.
Try not to think about your finger.
Think about something else.
- I can't.
- Yeah, you can.
- Think about a flower.
- Flower?
Yeah, close your eyes.
Go ahead, close 'em.
Okay. Now, think about
a real pretty flower.
It's out in the
middle of the field,
and the sun's shining on it.
- Can you see it?
- No!
Forget about the flower... think
about the demolition derby.
What about it?
Remember how that yellow
station wagon got clobbered?
Yeah, that was neat.
And then two guys sandwiched him
and slammed him into a wall.
Yeah?
DAN: And then Ricky
tornado come full speed
and tore the guy's rear end
off and flipped him over.
Yeah, that was a blast.
Okay, bub, you're all finished.
- I am?
- Yep.
I didn't even feel it.
- ROSEANNE: Pretty cool, huh?
- Yeah.Thanks.
- Are you hungry?
- Not really.
- Great, I'll fix dinner.
- Great.
( ROUGH SCRATCHING )
Here you go.
Oh, thanks, babe.
Thank you.
Honey, feel that board.
You won't believe
how smooth it is.
Run your hand along it.
Feels good, huh?
( FLATLY ) Yeah, I'm
trembling with excitement.
Just think…
When you and I are retired, we're gonna
be cruising the Caribbean on this baby.
I'm not getting on this thing.
It'll be great.
We'll spend our last years
together sailing through paradise.
This sailor stuff really
turns you on, huh?
Absolutely.
There's nothing more romantic
than drifting on the open sea.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Be all alone together
every night,
cuddle up in bed…
Moonlight dancing on the water.
Every night will be
a voyage to ecstasy.
You're turning me on.
- I am?
- Yeah. Let's do it.
What about the sink?
Anywhere you want.