Roseanne (1988–2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - We're in the Money - full transcript

( HARMONICA WAILS )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

All right, who stole the
batteries out of my flashlight?

It wasn't me.

Why don't you ask Darlene?

Darlene?

Carry the six.

She put the batteries
in her radio.

I did not! You toilet breath!

Darlene, get in here.



- You gonna hit her?
- Nobody's gonna hit nobody.

- I'd hit her.
- Pipe down, bub.

Look me in the eye, Darlene.

You did it, didn't you?

Well, you only caught
me 'cause Becky ratted.

I caught you 'cause
you were lying.

- She lies all the time.
- That's enough.

DARLENE: Yeah, right.

Why did you lie, Darlene?

Well, I thought I could
get away with it.

Well, you're never gonna
get away with it, Darlene,

'cause I am the all-knowing,
all-seeing mother.

One lie leads to
another, Darlene.

Before you know it, you're
lying all the time.



You're lying to
cover up your lies.

You start cheating and stealing,

and pretty soon
nobody likes you.

You'll be living all
alone in some alley,

fighting stray dogs for
cold French fries.

Carry the six.

( PHONE RINGS )

- BECKY: I'll get it!
- Hello?

Darlene's in big
trouble, isn't she?

- You'd love that, wouldn't you?
- Absolutely.

It's for you, mother.

- Who is it?
- It's Mrs. Mackelroy.

Oh, god. Tell her
I ain't home.

Oh, you want me to lie.

Yeah.

Mrs. Mackelroy,

my mom says to tell
you she's not home.

I oughta bust your neck.

Just once, once I'd like to
use the batteries I buy.

I go to the store, spent half the
day looking for the right size,

stand in line, pay a fortune for
these things, and they disappear.

Dan,

I am a woman on the edge.

Don't even start about the batteries,
'cause after the batteries comes the radio,

and then after the radio goes the stereo
speakers, and I ain't in the mood.

So don't even start with
me about the batteries.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Should've bought that battery
charger like I wanted to.

It'd be out in the garage collecting dust
with all the other junk you got out there.

Hey, I dust every one of those.

( FLASHLIGHT SWITCH CLICKS )

If I get that job tomorrow,
I can buy myself one.

- What job?
- Over at Spikeman construction.

Putting in a bid on a drywall
job. Great money if I get it.

You're not gonna get it.

Be a lot of guys bidding.

And they're all better
than you, I bet.

Hey, I'm pretty good.

- You are not.
- Yes, I am.

- You're not either.
- I am the best.

- You're the worst.
- I am the drywall master of the universe!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Hey, D.J.,

you stand on the
end of the board.

I'll jump on it and shoot
you in the air, okay?

Okay.

- Ready?
- Ready.

Freeze right there!

What'd I tell you about killing
your brother in the living room?

Well, we're just playing.

Well, I'm not playing. You pick
all these pillows and junk up.

- Go clean up your room.
- It's clean.

Then go clean my room.

( HUMMING VICTORIOUSLY )

Pork rinds! You got the job!

Drywall master of the universe!

Whoo!

Whoo!

I figure this calls for
some hard-core festivities.

- I'd say so.
- Hey, dad.

Hey, sugarplum. Rosie,
you should've seen it.

Old man Spikeman calls
me into his office,

sits me down to tell me
that I've got the job.

And why? Because he wants
the job done right.

And when you want the job done
right, you go to the best.

You go to dan dan
the drywall man.

The man behind the woman.

And look what that man
brought his woman.

- An advance.
- Give me that!

- Dad, how much is that?
- Five hundred smackaroonies.

Five hundred dollars?

You deserve a kiss.
Becky, kiss your dad.

- We're rich!
- What's wrong?

- We're rich! Look!
- ( ROSEANNE LAUGHS )

- Can I get some high-tops?
- Can I get a puppy?

- Can I get some designer jeans?
- You don't need designer jeans.

You just want to show off
your hiney to all the boys.

At least I have a hiney.

Well, the first thing,

your mother and me have to make
a few fiduciary decisions.

- You gonna let us get anything?
- Maybe.

On a scale of ten
maybes, how many?

Five, maybe six.

Six! It's more than half.
It's almost a yes.

- Yay!
- Yeah!

Whoa, whoa! Hold on
now. Now listen.

Your mother and I have to
pay a few bills first.

( LAUGHS )

Well, if there is any money left
over… oh, I shouldn't tell 'em.

- What? What is it?
- Oh, come on. What?

Well, if there is any left over, we're
gonna build you a great big swimming pool!

ALL: Yay!

- With a 50-foot slide!
- ALL: Yes! All right!

- And a pet shark!
- Yeah!

- Honey.
- What?

If you had an extra 50 bucks,
what would you blow it on?

Buy new kids.

- I know what you'd buy.
- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do.
- You do not.

Roseanne, I know you
better than you do.

Dan, you may share my bed,

but you do not know me.

Be that as it may, I
know what you would buy.

- Hm-mmm.
- Yes, I do.

- No, you do not.
- You'd buy some of that perfume you like.

What's it called?
Subscription?

Submission.

- Same thing.
- Is not.

You know you wanna
buy it, admit it.

- You know you want it, admit it.
- No.

- You do too.
- I do not.

You'd put a little dab here,
and a little dab here,

and a little dab here,
and a little dab here.

Get away. You're
making me puke.

( LAUGHS )

- Know what I'd buy?
- Who cares?

- Come on, guess.
- No, I'm not guessing.

It wouldn't, by any chance, be
a battery charger, would it?

- Come on, guess.
- No, I don't want to guess.

All right, I'll tell you
anyway. Brass captain's bell.

I saw a real beauty down at
Fulton avenue boat store.

Well, don't you have to
have a boat to put it on?

What do you think I'm
making out in the garage?

A hideous mess.

You know, if we're real
careful with this $500…

Yeah?

…we can just about
pay everything up,

and that'll leave
us with $11.87.

- You're kidding.
- Read it and weep. 11.87.

Well, at least I can
go out to dinner.

Damn, I was hoping we'd have a little
extra money to play around with.

Well, do you want extra money?

'Cause you know, I have my
own system for extra money.

All right.

( LAUGHS ) Okay…

First we send in the phone bill
and we forget to sign the check.

There you go!

Then we send the water bill
to the electric company,

and the electric bill
to the water company.

- Now you're cooking.
- And you know that charge card bill?

It never even showed up.

That's illegal.

Well, we could call them up and tell
them that the card got ripped off.

Roseanne, we gotta get
back to reality here.

These bills aren't
gonna go away.

- We gotta be responsible.
- Why?

Because for once, we finally
get a chance to get caught up.

Well, you never cared
about catching up before,

Mr. 1-800-rush-me-my-
amazing-new-handy-wrench.

For 19.95, that was
a great investment.

Yeah, that's why it's
out in the garage

underneath that
electric fish-scaler.

Hey, pal, you've blown your
share of the family fortune.

On what?

Well, that's irrelevant.

I just think we should handle
this money like adults.

Fine, we'll be adults.

- But I don't want to.
- You will act like an adult.

- You can't make me.
- Roseanne.

- You can't make me.
- Roseanne.

Roseanne, you will
act responsible!

All right, I'll act responsible.

- No perfume.
- Right.

No captain's bell.

Hey, dan…

Do you think sometime soon you'll
ever be standing out in the driveway

in front of the truck when
the brakes don't work?

Well, if you ask me, you
oughta buy the perfume.

Well, I didn't ask
you, so just drop it.

- You know what your problem is?
- Besides you?

Your problem is that you and dan
don't know how to manage your money,

and that's why
you're always broke.

We're always broke 'cause we
live with three little moochers

that are suckin' us dry.

Crystal, did they get that
damn machine fixed yet?

- No, they're still working on it.
- Good.

You gotta learn to treat yourself
once in a while, Roseanne.

Buy yourself something.
Take a vacation.

Spoken like a true single woman.

It's a shame you and dan can't
take a little bit of that money

and go down to that
theme motel in aurora.

Crystal, please.

Have you seen their ads on TV?

It's so romantic.

Every room is a different theme.

They have a roaring '20s
room, a wild west room,

a Roman empire room.

Yeah, I can see dan
gettin' in his chariot,

goin' out and buy a six-pack.

Oh, get out. You
know what I mean.

Come on, let's go see what
they're doing in there.

How much longer?

MAN: Five more minutes.

- Here.
- What's this?

You remember that 25 bucks I
borrowed? That's ten back.

- Keep it.
- I don't need it.

- Take it.
- I don't want it.

Put a down payment
on that perfume.

Would you stop with the perfume?

I told you, me and dan decided we're not
gonna spend the money on nothing frivolous.

Oh, right. And you do everything
your husband tells you to do.

- Don't start.
- You do, Roseanne. You're just like mom.

I am nothing like that woman.

But you are exactly like her.

Whatever hubby says, goes.

Well, if I really wanted that
perfume, I would go get it.

Right, mom.

Well, I'll tell you something
you don't know about mom.

What?

She used to pay your
friends to play with you.

Shut up!

Ah.

Can I help you?

Oh, no, thank you. I
was just looking.

Any particular fragrance?

Well, I was kind of interested
in that one, "submission."

We carry the complete
"submission" line.

Were you interested
in the body lotion,

the eau de toilet,
the dusting powder,

the after-bath splash?

Well, I just kind of wanted
to buy the regular perfume.

Oh, yes, of course,

but perfume is really the final
step in fragrance layering.

Well, I wasn't that into
getting layered, I just…

…wanted to get the perfume.

All righty.

- Will this be cash or charge?
- Charge.

Never mind, I'm not
getting it. I'm sorry.

I'm changing my… I'm sorry.

Oh… why don't you
just try some on?

I know what it smells like.

It really is a fabulous
fragrance… alluring, sensual.

Men love it. Are you married?

No.

Well, I bet you
have a boyfriend.

Well, I am kind of shacking
up with this one guy.

Trust me, a few drops of
this will really excite him.

Well, that's what I live
for, to excite that man.

Don't we all? What's
your boyfriend's name?

- Lance.
- Sexy.

- He's a race car driver.
- Oh.

A man who likes danger.

Well, I just know a little of
this will really turn him on.

Let's face it, deep down we
women all want the same thing,

so why not use a little
help when we can get it?

Well, you do have a
pretty good point there.

You know what the fastest
way to a man's heart is?

Yeah, through his chest.

- Freeze!
- Don't even think about it.

( GROWLING PLAYFULLY )

You better run.
You better run!

( WHISTLING )

( DINGS )

Hey, dad!

Darlene, you shouldn't do that.

You'll scare the animals.

Oh, sorry.

- Hey, what's that?
- It's a rag.

No, that.

- Nothing.
- Well, it's a bell.

Right, it's a bell.
Now scamper along.

- Well, can I ring it?
- No.

- Why not?
- Because it's a surprise.

- For who?
- It doesn't matter for who.

Now… run along
into the house.

- For mom?
- Yeah, sort of.

- But what if she finds out?
- She's not gonna find out.

But what if she does? I mean,
what if she asks me about it?

I'd have to tell her
the truth, wouldn't I?

Darlene,

she's not going to
ask you about it.

( CAR APPROACHING )

There's your mother
now. Now remember.

No, I won't say anything…

Unless she asks me.

Darlene, you are my favourite.

( SIGHS )

- DAN: You home, Roseanne?
- Yes.

- Hi, darling.
- Hi. I got you some corn.

Oh, cool!

Let me help you put some
of this stuff away.

How was your day, sugar?

Just fine, snookums.

What are you so cheery about?

I just ordered 400
pieces of sheetrock for

that Spikeman job, biggest
order I ever made.

- Pretty neat, huh?
- Yeah, cool.

- How was your day?
- Oh, the usual.

All the machines broke down…

- what are you doing?
- Putting the dish soap away.

- It don't go there now.
- Sure it does.

No, it doesn't go
there anymore now.

We've always kept it there.

Yeah, but remember when
I started to, you know,

reorganize and fix things
up and everything.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, really.

Where do you want it?

- It goes in the laundry room now.
- Okey-dokey.

- Ah-ha!
- ( SCREAMS )

- What is that?
- Nothing.

Yes, it is.

Okay, I bought that
perfume. Kill me.

You bought the perfume.

Yes, Sherlock, I
bought the perfume.

- What about last night?
- What about it?

Our little discussion. Didn't
that mean anything to you?

Well, I started
talking to Jackie.

Oh, Jackie. Well,
what about our talk?

About no perfume, no bell.

Were those just empty words
blowing in the wind?

I shouldn't have bought it.

Well, you did buy it, and
that's the undeniable fact.

- Well, I'm taking it back.
- Now, just hold on a minute.

I'm taking it back.

Roseanne, taking it back is not gonna
make either of us feel any better.

Well, I'm not keeping it.

I mean, every time I put
it on I just feel guilty.

Look…

Would it help if I went out right
now and bought that stupid bell?

'Cause I'd be willing
to do that for you.

You already bought
that bell, didn't you?

Roseanne!

- You did!
- I didn't.

- You liar.
- Did not.

- You bought that bell.
- I did not.

Look me in the eye and tell
me you didn't buy that bell.

I didn't buy that bell.

( BELL DINGING )

( DINGING )

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee, butt head.

Ooh, that feels great.

You could do this for a living.

That's what old man
Spikeman said.

- Oh, you're sick!
- ( DAN LAUGHS )

So, how do they look?

Snug.

I gotta wash 'em again before I wear 'em
to school so they'll be even tighter.

How popular do you want to be?

Thanks, mom.

Okay, my turn.

- For what?
- I did you, now you gotta do me.

Says who?

- That's the deal, Roseanne.
- What deal?

I thought you were doing
it out of pure love.

No way!

I bear you three
beautiful children,

I labor to make a warm
and loving home…

And I've dedicated my
whole life to you,

and all I get is a lousy
five-minute foot massage?

All right, three more minutes.

Deal.

- ♪ and this little piggy stayed home ♪
- oh…

- ♪ this little piggy had roast beef. ♪
- oh…

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )