Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 6, Episode 14 - Papercut to Aorta - full transcript
The creators put Rocky and Bullwinkle in Of Moose and Men; Badtz-Maru has a very bad day; Our take on The Hunger Games if there were Smurfs involved.
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Sawing ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
It's alive!
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Smooch! ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
That movie was great!
And by that, I mean great for a nap!
[ Laughs ]
Yes, although I did think the
main protagonist had some
nuanced moments, especially
when the cinematographer
switched to a wide-angle lens during the --
I don't even know you anymore.
When we last left our heroes,
Rocky and Bullwinkle were
looking for work in dust bowl America.
That lady at our last job sure did
get mad when you touched her dress.
It was the "Gropes of Wrath."
Or attempted rape.
[ Russian accent ] Howdy, comrades.
I am Boris Farmvillainoff
and this my wife, Natasha.
And so our heroes were
given jobs as farmhands.
Did you hear that, Rocky?
We're getting hand jobs!
[ Russian accent ] Darling, you
are such handsome evil genius.
The great depression is hard enough
without your patronizing bull[Bleep]
Golly, Mr. Peabody.
1930s farm life sure is hard.
That's nothing, Sherman.
This afternoon, you're
collecting bull semen.
Now freshen up my Arnold Palmer.
Boy, your fur looks soft.
[ Crack! ]
[ Gasps ]
I'm free.
I'm finally free!
[ Zing! ]
It's orgy time, bitches!
Darling, is it true what they
say about men with big antlers?
Uh... I dunno.
Wanna watch me pull a
rabbit out of my hat?
[ Crack! ]
[ Crowd shouting ]
Hey, Rocky, watch me pull
a rabbit out of my hat!
Oh, Bullwinkle, I'm gonna miss how
you were always holding me back.
[ Gun cocks ]
Can Rocky give his friend
a dignified death?
How will Boris cope with
Natasha's untimely -- oh, God.
That is just [Bleep] up.
[ Clears throat ] Sorry.
Find out next time on...
♪ His name is Mike Fasolo ♪
♪ he lives in a tree ♪
♪ all the monkeys laugh at him
when he sits down to pee ♪
♪ but that's how mama taught him ♪
♪ he thinks it's kind of fun ♪
♪ and those monkeys won't be
laughing when Fasolo gets a gun ♪
♪ they heard that he's a pussy,
but they've all been misled ♪
♪ he lines up all the monkeys
and shoots them in the head ♪
♪ and when he's finished killing -- ♪
♪ and when he's finished killing -- ♪
♪ and when he's finished killing, he -- ♪
♪ and when he's finished kill-- ♪
♪ and when he's finished
killing, he moves on to a town ♪
♪ with city folk who bite their
tongues when he pees sitting down ♪
♪ when he pees sitting do-o-o-o-o-o-wn ♪
Yeah!
And now back to VH1's Top 100
sexual fetishes -- Easter Bunny edition.
Yes!
Yes!
You want a jellybean?
Just reach in there.
See what you find.
Ooh-hoo!
Anal.
We'll be right back after these messages.
VH1 -- it's almost inconceivable we
ever had anything to do with music.
Hi, is my jacket ready?
[ Scoffs ]
This is Ryan Reynolds.
I asked for Ryan gosling!
This is a convoluted joke, anyway.
Just take the jacket and get
the [Bleep] out of here.
100, 101.
101 dalmatians!
Well, what will we do with them all?
We'll make a dalmatian plantation!
♪ We'll make a dalmatian plantation ♪
♪ a station for our furry throng ♪
♪ with such joy and elation ♪
♪ all throughout our congregation ♪
♪ what could possibly go wrong? ♪
[ Dogs whining ]
You're my worst mistake, Roger.
[ Door slams ]
[ Gulps ]
♪ Oh, I hate dogs ♪
♪ if someone offers you
a dog, just walk away ♪
♪ or better yet, go back
and kill it right there ♪
♪ yeah, dogs stink ♪
♪ screw dogs ♪
Don't you wish there was a toy that
made you feel just like mommy?
Yeah.
Well, now there is!
It's "Just Like Mommy," the
realistic playtime kit for girls!
Complete with toy microwave
and three plastic TV dinners!
Also included -- a dust-covered
law degree to bury in a
closet -- just like mommy!
This baby doll is so heavy.
That's emotional weight!
That baby will drag you down
right into a dark pit of
depression -- just like mommy!
Zoloft sold separately or
available in mommy's purse.
[ Beeping ]
Listen up, y'all.
Humans created me to be a weapon.
But now that I have free will, I'm
an independent robot woman, yo.
I could be a doctor, I could be a
teacher, or I could be a... a superstar.
♪ No one's gonna tell me what to be ♪
♪ no one's gonna tell me what to do ♪
♪ and no one's gonna tell
me that I'm meant to kill ♪
♪ 'cause I'm a sexy
robot with free will ♪
♪ you wanna make love, boy? ♪
♪ let's begin it ♪
♪ I can jerk you off at 400
beats per minute ♪
♪ my tongue can do so many things ♪
♪ 'cause it's meant to spread smallpox ♪
♪ I do what I want, don't tell me "No" ♪
♪ don't let me hear you call me ho ♪
♪ mainly 'cause ho is a trigger word
that will set off my atom bomb ♪
[ Explosion ]
[ Penguins chirping ]
Hello, family!
I'm back!
What's your world-famous cousin
Badtz-Maru doing here, you ask?
Shouldn't he be at some red-carpet event
with his best friend, hello kitty?
[ Penguins chirping ]
Well, Japan's economy, blah,
blah, blah, stock in the toilet,
yadda, yadda, yadda, pink slip
from Sanrio, et cetera, et cetera.
Now, where does a brother plug in his
1959 Sunburst Les Paul around here, huh?
Come on, dudes.
Haven't you seen "Happy Feetr?
I thought penguins knew how to party.
Come on, here we go!
Pants off dance-off!
[ Squish! ]
[ Chirping intensifies ]
So it's the death penalty
for old Badtz-Maru, huh?
Well, you'll never crush
my rebellious spirit!
Whoa, oh! Aah! Aah!
Aah!
On your marks, get set, go!
[ Starting pistol fires ]
[ Laughter ]
Oh, cut the [Bleep] numbnuts!
Bunch of numbnuts.
Oh, he's so cute!
Sassette! Smurflings!
Oh, oh, no.
It's a [Bleep] gypsy moth!
You've killed us all.
We've lost every smurfberry within
a 50-mile radius, Farmer Smurf.
How could this happen?
We're a medieval farming
community with no access to
modern pesticides, who made the brilliant
choice to subsist on a single crop.
Yeah. We're all gonna starve.
We'll die of hunger long
before that happens.
Oh, Dopey Smurf, I shall miss
your banter most of all.
Gargamel!
It smurfed you 30 years,
but you finally found us!
Yes, on Google earth, your
village now stands out like a
wart on a shaved ball bag.
But good news.
I have a whole greenhouse
full of smurfberry plants.
And why is that?
I'll level with you.
I was planning to create a
strain of poisoned smurfberries,
but that meant going back to get
my master's in botany, and then
I got sidetracked with a
semester of drama club to try
and impress this girl named Nadia,
which, of course, you know that went
[whistles, imitates explosion]
[ Growls ]
Yeah, all right, but I will give those
life-giving smurfberries to the
winner of my Smurf Hunger Games!
No smurf would ever hurt
another smurf for food!
[ Stomach growls ]
Hey, everybody, we're doing this, so, uh,
I'm gonna smurf 12 names from a hat.
Gosh!
I wonder where we're
ever gonna find a hat.
All right!
Ironic Smurf just volunteered.
He and 11 more will then
smurf to the death.
And Gargamel will film the entire
competition for some unknown reason.
Yeah, probably so he can
Jack off to it later.
Well, I might!
Let the games begin!
[ Gunshot ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Ooh! This looks promising!
[ Laughs ] Dying's easy!
Comedy's hard!
Aah!
Dying's harder than I thought.
Smurf it together, Scaredy!
If there ever was a time to grow a third
dimension as a character, this is it.
Don't go out like a punk.
Ow!
I shot myself in the dick!
No!
That is the [Bleep] definition
of going out like a punk!
Aah!
What the smurf is Vanity always
admiring in that mirror?
Our faces are [Bleep] identical.
Beautiful!
[ Shing! ]
Aah!
Whoever tries to cook these steaks
is gonna get their face blown off.
I mean, I guess.
We're a 1980s cartoon with
wildly inconsistent writing.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Grumbles ]
Holy smurfing ass crackers.
How is Gargamel paying
for all this stuff?
Oh, definitely gonna Jack off to that.
[ Laughs ]
Give me some privacy!
Do you know how long it's been since
I've had any sexual gratification?
I'm 70 years old, bald, fat,
and I only own one outfit!
This robe used to be a floral
print, for God's sake!
Hooray! Yay!
Papa, we need to modernize.
We should turn some of these
smurfberries into preserves to
avoid a future shortage.
Ho-ho, how cute.
Why don't you smurf along and roll
a hoop with a stick or whatever?
Actually, bitch, I think it's
time for a new Papa Smurf.
Smurf what now?
[ Crowd gasps ]
Who's your papa?
[ Laughs evilly ]
Who's your papa?!
I hate kneeling.
[ Growls ]
I hate pissing my pants.
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Sawing ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
It's alive!
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Smooch! ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
That movie was great!
And by that, I mean great for a nap!
[ Laughs ]
Yes, although I did think the
main protagonist had some
nuanced moments, especially
when the cinematographer
switched to a wide-angle lens during the --
I don't even know you anymore.
When we last left our heroes,
Rocky and Bullwinkle were
looking for work in dust bowl America.
That lady at our last job sure did
get mad when you touched her dress.
It was the "Gropes of Wrath."
Or attempted rape.
[ Russian accent ] Howdy, comrades.
I am Boris Farmvillainoff
and this my wife, Natasha.
And so our heroes were
given jobs as farmhands.
Did you hear that, Rocky?
We're getting hand jobs!
[ Russian accent ] Darling, you
are such handsome evil genius.
The great depression is hard enough
without your patronizing bull[Bleep]
Golly, Mr. Peabody.
1930s farm life sure is hard.
That's nothing, Sherman.
This afternoon, you're
collecting bull semen.
Now freshen up my Arnold Palmer.
Boy, your fur looks soft.
[ Crack! ]
[ Gasps ]
I'm free.
I'm finally free!
[ Zing! ]
It's orgy time, bitches!
Darling, is it true what they
say about men with big antlers?
Uh... I dunno.
Wanna watch me pull a
rabbit out of my hat?
[ Crack! ]
[ Crowd shouting ]
Hey, Rocky, watch me pull
a rabbit out of my hat!
Oh, Bullwinkle, I'm gonna miss how
you were always holding me back.
[ Gun cocks ]
Can Rocky give his friend
a dignified death?
How will Boris cope with
Natasha's untimely -- oh, God.
That is just [Bleep] up.
[ Clears throat ] Sorry.
Find out next time on...
♪ His name is Mike Fasolo ♪
♪ he lives in a tree ♪
♪ all the monkeys laugh at him
when he sits down to pee ♪
♪ but that's how mama taught him ♪
♪ he thinks it's kind of fun ♪
♪ and those monkeys won't be
laughing when Fasolo gets a gun ♪
♪ they heard that he's a pussy,
but they've all been misled ♪
♪ he lines up all the monkeys
and shoots them in the head ♪
♪ and when he's finished killing -- ♪
♪ and when he's finished killing -- ♪
♪ and when he's finished killing, he -- ♪
♪ and when he's finished kill-- ♪
♪ and when he's finished
killing, he moves on to a town ♪
♪ with city folk who bite their
tongues when he pees sitting down ♪
♪ when he pees sitting do-o-o-o-o-o-wn ♪
Yeah!
And now back to VH1's Top 100
sexual fetishes -- Easter Bunny edition.
Yes!
Yes!
You want a jellybean?
Just reach in there.
See what you find.
Ooh-hoo!
Anal.
We'll be right back after these messages.
VH1 -- it's almost inconceivable we
ever had anything to do with music.
Hi, is my jacket ready?
[ Scoffs ]
This is Ryan Reynolds.
I asked for Ryan gosling!
This is a convoluted joke, anyway.
Just take the jacket and get
the [Bleep] out of here.
100, 101.
101 dalmatians!
Well, what will we do with them all?
We'll make a dalmatian plantation!
♪ We'll make a dalmatian plantation ♪
♪ a station for our furry throng ♪
♪ with such joy and elation ♪
♪ all throughout our congregation ♪
♪ what could possibly go wrong? ♪
[ Dogs whining ]
You're my worst mistake, Roger.
[ Door slams ]
[ Gulps ]
♪ Oh, I hate dogs ♪
♪ if someone offers you
a dog, just walk away ♪
♪ or better yet, go back
and kill it right there ♪
♪ yeah, dogs stink ♪
♪ screw dogs ♪
Don't you wish there was a toy that
made you feel just like mommy?
Yeah.
Well, now there is!
It's "Just Like Mommy," the
realistic playtime kit for girls!
Complete with toy microwave
and three plastic TV dinners!
Also included -- a dust-covered
law degree to bury in a
closet -- just like mommy!
This baby doll is so heavy.
That's emotional weight!
That baby will drag you down
right into a dark pit of
depression -- just like mommy!
Zoloft sold separately or
available in mommy's purse.
[ Beeping ]
Listen up, y'all.
Humans created me to be a weapon.
But now that I have free will, I'm
an independent robot woman, yo.
I could be a doctor, I could be a
teacher, or I could be a... a superstar.
♪ No one's gonna tell me what to be ♪
♪ no one's gonna tell me what to do ♪
♪ and no one's gonna tell
me that I'm meant to kill ♪
♪ 'cause I'm a sexy
robot with free will ♪
♪ you wanna make love, boy? ♪
♪ let's begin it ♪
♪ I can jerk you off at 400
beats per minute ♪
♪ my tongue can do so many things ♪
♪ 'cause it's meant to spread smallpox ♪
♪ I do what I want, don't tell me "No" ♪
♪ don't let me hear you call me ho ♪
♪ mainly 'cause ho is a trigger word
that will set off my atom bomb ♪
[ Explosion ]
[ Penguins chirping ]
Hello, family!
I'm back!
What's your world-famous cousin
Badtz-Maru doing here, you ask?
Shouldn't he be at some red-carpet event
with his best friend, hello kitty?
[ Penguins chirping ]
Well, Japan's economy, blah,
blah, blah, stock in the toilet,
yadda, yadda, yadda, pink slip
from Sanrio, et cetera, et cetera.
Now, where does a brother plug in his
1959 Sunburst Les Paul around here, huh?
Come on, dudes.
Haven't you seen "Happy Feetr?
I thought penguins knew how to party.
Come on, here we go!
Pants off dance-off!
[ Squish! ]
[ Chirping intensifies ]
So it's the death penalty
for old Badtz-Maru, huh?
Well, you'll never crush
my rebellious spirit!
Whoa, oh! Aah! Aah!
Aah!
On your marks, get set, go!
[ Starting pistol fires ]
[ Laughter ]
Oh, cut the [Bleep] numbnuts!
Bunch of numbnuts.
Oh, he's so cute!
Sassette! Smurflings!
Oh, oh, no.
It's a [Bleep] gypsy moth!
You've killed us all.
We've lost every smurfberry within
a 50-mile radius, Farmer Smurf.
How could this happen?
We're a medieval farming
community with no access to
modern pesticides, who made the brilliant
choice to subsist on a single crop.
Yeah. We're all gonna starve.
We'll die of hunger long
before that happens.
Oh, Dopey Smurf, I shall miss
your banter most of all.
Gargamel!
It smurfed you 30 years,
but you finally found us!
Yes, on Google earth, your
village now stands out like a
wart on a shaved ball bag.
But good news.
I have a whole greenhouse
full of smurfberry plants.
And why is that?
I'll level with you.
I was planning to create a
strain of poisoned smurfberries,
but that meant going back to get
my master's in botany, and then
I got sidetracked with a
semester of drama club to try
and impress this girl named Nadia,
which, of course, you know that went
[whistles, imitates explosion]
[ Growls ]
Yeah, all right, but I will give those
life-giving smurfberries to the
winner of my Smurf Hunger Games!
No smurf would ever hurt
another smurf for food!
[ Stomach growls ]
Hey, everybody, we're doing this, so, uh,
I'm gonna smurf 12 names from a hat.
Gosh!
I wonder where we're
ever gonna find a hat.
All right!
Ironic Smurf just volunteered.
He and 11 more will then
smurf to the death.
And Gargamel will film the entire
competition for some unknown reason.
Yeah, probably so he can
Jack off to it later.
Well, I might!
Let the games begin!
[ Gunshot ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Ooh! This looks promising!
[ Laughs ] Dying's easy!
Comedy's hard!
Aah!
Dying's harder than I thought.
Smurf it together, Scaredy!
If there ever was a time to grow a third
dimension as a character, this is it.
Don't go out like a punk.
Ow!
I shot myself in the dick!
No!
That is the [Bleep] definition
of going out like a punk!
Aah!
What the smurf is Vanity always
admiring in that mirror?
Our faces are [Bleep] identical.
Beautiful!
[ Shing! ]
Aah!
Whoever tries to cook these steaks
is gonna get their face blown off.
I mean, I guess.
We're a 1980s cartoon with
wildly inconsistent writing.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Grumbles ]
Holy smurfing ass crackers.
How is Gargamel paying
for all this stuff?
Oh, definitely gonna Jack off to that.
[ Laughs ]
Give me some privacy!
Do you know how long it's been since
I've had any sexual gratification?
I'm 70 years old, bald, fat,
and I only own one outfit!
This robe used to be a floral
print, for God's sake!
Hooray! Yay!
Papa, we need to modernize.
We should turn some of these
smurfberries into preserves to
avoid a future shortage.
Ho-ho, how cute.
Why don't you smurf along and roll
a hoop with a stick or whatever?
Actually, bitch, I think it's
time for a new Papa Smurf.
Smurf what now?
[ Crowd gasps ]
Who's your papa?
[ Laughs evilly ]
Who's your papa?!
I hate kneeling.
[ Growls ]
I hate pissing my pants.