Robot Chicken (2001–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - Robot Chicken's ATM Christmas Special - full transcript
The Robot Chicken Christmas Special has Santa nearly missing Christmas; Kano from Mortal Kombat shares the holidays with Mrs. Cage; Justin Bieber's new song is bound to be a Christmas hit.
Jumping Jehovah!
It's one minute to Christmas!
Pack the toys, get my list,
and if those fleabags aren't
saddled in six seconds, then get
your ass under the mistletoe
'cause my boot's gonna give
it a [bleep] sole kiss.
And who was in charge of my wake-up call?
Pack your [bleep] and get out.
Hyah!
Holy...Let's do this!
Santa remembered me!
Oh, wait a minute.
Boo-yah! 15 seconds to spare.
I [bleep] rule!
Santa dance.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not gonna [bleep] me.
Santa's the one doing
the [bleep] tonight.
Why won't this thing open?
Get off of me!
Aah! Stop!
Ack, you're having a dream!
No, Santa. No!
Aah! Aah!
Yaahhhhhh!
I hate Christmas.
You heard me.
No, I don't know when I'll be home.
Because there's still Jews eating dinner.
I wish I could be home celebrating
Christmas with my family, too.
I hate the Jews, too, honey.
Okay, bye.
When that lumberjack violently cut me
down, I thought "Oh, my life is over."
But then, you welcomed
me into your family.
These have been the two
happiest weeks of my life.
Thanks, Christmas tree.
Oh, we love you, Christmas tree.
Morning, gorgeous.
Hey, where we going?
Oh, um, we're all going on
vacation to universal studios.
Awesome!
I want to go to Harry Potter land
and try that fake butterbeer.
You're grabbing the luggage?
Remember, grab the sunscreen.
Hold up, there.
No, no, no.
I'm actually about to head
to Florida with my family.
Carol! Help!
Jeff, get out here, man!
They think I'm trash!
I thought I was part of the family.
You lied to me, you bastards!
Are you [bleep] kidding me?!
Think positive.
Maybe someone will just use
me for boogers or number one.
Wait a minute.
Is this them?
Sally, get some extra
toilet paper, okay, hon?
We're having Indian food tonight.
Oh, no, no, no!
Dear, we thought we could use
this after your chimney accident.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
A candy cane -- how thoughtful.
Aah!
Oh, no.
It was actually made of candy?
We thought it would hold you!
Oh, was this load-bearing peppermint?
Oh, God.
I shattered my tibia.
Aw, that's not fair!
Who's laughing at "Big Foot" Danny now.
Welcome back to "The Justin Bieber
Christmas Special With Love."
I love you all.
This is a song I wrote about Christmas
and how it makes my heart feel.
♪ [Bleep] Christmas ♪
♪ [bleep] Christmas ♪
[Bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
♪ I see those presents
that you bought me ♪
♪ [bleep] 'Em ♪
♪ I see that ribbon in your hair ♪
♪ I'll choke you with it ♪
♪ my Christmas card up on the mantle ♪
♪ it's a photo of my dick ♪
♪ and all the stockings hung with care ♪
♪ they're filled with my [bleep] ♪
[Bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
♪ [Bleep] Christmas ♪
Yeah!
Ooh, ooh, yeah.
We never had this problem
with David Cassidy.
Cassidy was a hack.
Bieber is a [bleep] artist.
Aah!
You're a hard man to find, Jason.
The list -- look what it makes me do.
Look what it makes me do.
Parcheesi!
Oh, would you look at that?
More blocks.
Yay.
All gifts present and accounted
for, except snake eyes.
He's so hard to buy for.
What's wrong with what we always get him?
I never hear him complain about it.
What are you supposed to get a guy
who won't tell us what he wants?
There is one thing he
wants, and we all know it.
Okay, there's Storm Shadow's house.
We zipline over, bag him, and
get him back to the base for
snake eyes to open on Christmas morning.
Yo, Joe!
Take him alive!
Yo, Joe!
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
Ow! Ow!
Ohh, this is not good.
We're not leaving without you, mister.
Yo, Joe!
I got him! I got him!
Merry [bleep] Christmas.
Well, that's true, Mrs. cage.
It only says your card is declined.
I inferred that you were poor.
It's just -- it's been so hard to make
ends meet since my husband passed away.
Cage -- where have I heard that before?
Finish him!
Oh, right. That guy I killed.
Wait!
Well, if you're sure I'm not
imposing, I'd love to join you
for Christmas dinner.
Wonderful.
It'll be just like having Johnny back.
You remind me of him, you know?
You have his heart.
Kano rules!
Hyah!
Okay okay.
Hyah!
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Unh-unh.
Listen, Sarah.
This has been a perfect day, but
something I need to confess.
I don't understand.
It's -- it's Johnny's heart.
I was the one who killed him.
Kano, this isn't a heart.
It's not?
So he reaches in and
pulls out my appendix.
Can you believe that?
He actually saved my life, quite frankly.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Christmas! Yay!
♪ Jingle bells, mom's in
tears, what is going on? ♪
Everybody, be cool.
We've just been robbed!
Bastards even took the tree.
What could the black-market
value on a rapidly-browning
Douglas fir possibly be?
No -- no presents?
Oh, honey, it's totally fine.
We're gonna have... pretend Christmas.
Open it.
It's, uh... it's just a mint-on-card
version 2 snake eyes from 1985
with an AFA grade of 99.
This got stolen?!
Aah!
Sweetie, you didn't open your
framed original artwork from
G.I. Joe number 21 with signed
certificate from creator Larry Hama!
Aah!
Why did this happen to me?!
Huh?
Join us, friend.
All our houses were robbed.
Thanks, but I don't want
to sing and feel better.
Oh, no, we're
not singing to feel better.
We're chanting to raise the
spirit of vengeance from the
depths of hell to seek out the
[bleep] who stole my children's
iPads and disembowel him
with a giant flaming spear.
You're in the wrong circle, Dave.
The "Chant for Vengeance"
circle is over there.
Aah, damn it.
Wait a minute.
The stolen presents, the singing
rubes -- I know this story.
That means the thief should be... aha!
In hindsight, racing up this icy
mountain in a onesie was a bad idea.
Can't...go...on.
Oh, snake eyes, you'll have some
inspirational words for me.
Uh...kind of dropping
the ball, snake eyes.
Wow, Larry Hama!
You can do it.
Believe in yourself.
Not the most original words of
inspiration I've ever heard.
Look, kid.
I used to write a comic book that was
basically word balloons on a toy catalog.
Now, if you want me to read some
passages from my unfinished novel --
No, thank you.
Grinch, come out of that sleigh so I
can whip the green off your bitch ass!
It's easy to talk tough to a
villain when his little bird
wrists are even bonier than your own.
You're not the cartoon Grinch.
You're the stupid-ass Jim Carrey Grinch.
A Grinch is a Grinch, my little friend.
And I'm afraid your precious presents--
You took the best cartoon of
all time, and you pissed in its mouth!
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's not get personal.
You know what?
Keep my stuff.
I'm about to give myself the best
Christmas present of all time.
Nooooooo!
Merry Christmas to all, and
to all, a good --
Oh, my gosh.
That little Stockholm-syndrome dog.
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, these tooth marks are really gonna
affect the AFA grading, though.
♪ La-boo-da-boo, bring us... ♪
Everyone, look who fell through
my roof -- the Christmas thief!
The spirit of vengeance
answered our prayers!
Would the spirit of vengeance
want us to rape it?
It is Christmas.
It's one minute to Christmas!
Pack the toys, get my list,
and if those fleabags aren't
saddled in six seconds, then get
your ass under the mistletoe
'cause my boot's gonna give
it a [bleep] sole kiss.
And who was in charge of my wake-up call?
Pack your [bleep] and get out.
Hyah!
Holy...Let's do this!
Santa remembered me!
Oh, wait a minute.
Boo-yah! 15 seconds to spare.
I [bleep] rule!
Santa dance.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not gonna [bleep] me.
Santa's the one doing
the [bleep] tonight.
Why won't this thing open?
Get off of me!
Aah! Stop!
Ack, you're having a dream!
No, Santa. No!
Aah! Aah!
Yaahhhhhh!
I hate Christmas.
You heard me.
No, I don't know when I'll be home.
Because there's still Jews eating dinner.
I wish I could be home celebrating
Christmas with my family, too.
I hate the Jews, too, honey.
Okay, bye.
When that lumberjack violently cut me
down, I thought "Oh, my life is over."
But then, you welcomed
me into your family.
These have been the two
happiest weeks of my life.
Thanks, Christmas tree.
Oh, we love you, Christmas tree.
Morning, gorgeous.
Hey, where we going?
Oh, um, we're all going on
vacation to universal studios.
Awesome!
I want to go to Harry Potter land
and try that fake butterbeer.
You're grabbing the luggage?
Remember, grab the sunscreen.
Hold up, there.
No, no, no.
I'm actually about to head
to Florida with my family.
Carol! Help!
Jeff, get out here, man!
They think I'm trash!
I thought I was part of the family.
You lied to me, you bastards!
Are you [bleep] kidding me?!
Think positive.
Maybe someone will just use
me for boogers or number one.
Wait a minute.
Is this them?
Sally, get some extra
toilet paper, okay, hon?
We're having Indian food tonight.
Oh, no, no, no!
Dear, we thought we could use
this after your chimney accident.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
A candy cane -- how thoughtful.
Aah!
Oh, no.
It was actually made of candy?
We thought it would hold you!
Oh, was this load-bearing peppermint?
Oh, God.
I shattered my tibia.
Aw, that's not fair!
Who's laughing at "Big Foot" Danny now.
Welcome back to "The Justin Bieber
Christmas Special With Love."
I love you all.
This is a song I wrote about Christmas
and how it makes my heart feel.
♪ [Bleep] Christmas ♪
♪ [bleep] Christmas ♪
[Bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
♪ I see those presents
that you bought me ♪
♪ [bleep] 'Em ♪
♪ I see that ribbon in your hair ♪
♪ I'll choke you with it ♪
♪ my Christmas card up on the mantle ♪
♪ it's a photo of my dick ♪
♪ and all the stockings hung with care ♪
♪ they're filled with my [bleep] ♪
[Bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
♪ [Bleep] Christmas ♪
Yeah!
Ooh, ooh, yeah.
We never had this problem
with David Cassidy.
Cassidy was a hack.
Bieber is a [bleep] artist.
Aah!
You're a hard man to find, Jason.
The list -- look what it makes me do.
Look what it makes me do.
Parcheesi!
Oh, would you look at that?
More blocks.
Yay.
All gifts present and accounted
for, except snake eyes.
He's so hard to buy for.
What's wrong with what we always get him?
I never hear him complain about it.
What are you supposed to get a guy
who won't tell us what he wants?
There is one thing he
wants, and we all know it.
Okay, there's Storm Shadow's house.
We zipline over, bag him, and
get him back to the base for
snake eyes to open on Christmas morning.
Yo, Joe!
Take him alive!
Yo, Joe!
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
Ow! Ow!
Ohh, this is not good.
We're not leaving without you, mister.
Yo, Joe!
I got him! I got him!
Merry [bleep] Christmas.
Well, that's true, Mrs. cage.
It only says your card is declined.
I inferred that you were poor.
It's just -- it's been so hard to make
ends meet since my husband passed away.
Cage -- where have I heard that before?
Finish him!
Oh, right. That guy I killed.
Wait!
Well, if you're sure I'm not
imposing, I'd love to join you
for Christmas dinner.
Wonderful.
It'll be just like having Johnny back.
You remind me of him, you know?
You have his heart.
Kano rules!
Hyah!
Okay okay.
Hyah!
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Unh-unh.
Listen, Sarah.
This has been a perfect day, but
something I need to confess.
I don't understand.
It's -- it's Johnny's heart.
I was the one who killed him.
Kano, this isn't a heart.
It's not?
So he reaches in and
pulls out my appendix.
Can you believe that?
He actually saved my life, quite frankly.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Christmas! Yay!
♪ Jingle bells, mom's in
tears, what is going on? ♪
Everybody, be cool.
We've just been robbed!
Bastards even took the tree.
What could the black-market
value on a rapidly-browning
Douglas fir possibly be?
No -- no presents?
Oh, honey, it's totally fine.
We're gonna have... pretend Christmas.
Open it.
It's, uh... it's just a mint-on-card
version 2 snake eyes from 1985
with an AFA grade of 99.
This got stolen?!
Aah!
Sweetie, you didn't open your
framed original artwork from
G.I. Joe number 21 with signed
certificate from creator Larry Hama!
Aah!
Why did this happen to me?!
Huh?
Join us, friend.
All our houses were robbed.
Thanks, but I don't want
to sing and feel better.
Oh, no, we're
not singing to feel better.
We're chanting to raise the
spirit of vengeance from the
depths of hell to seek out the
[bleep] who stole my children's
iPads and disembowel him
with a giant flaming spear.
You're in the wrong circle, Dave.
The "Chant for Vengeance"
circle is over there.
Aah, damn it.
Wait a minute.
The stolen presents, the singing
rubes -- I know this story.
That means the thief should be... aha!
In hindsight, racing up this icy
mountain in a onesie was a bad idea.
Can't...go...on.
Oh, snake eyes, you'll have some
inspirational words for me.
Uh...kind of dropping
the ball, snake eyes.
Wow, Larry Hama!
You can do it.
Believe in yourself.
Not the most original words of
inspiration I've ever heard.
Look, kid.
I used to write a comic book that was
basically word balloons on a toy catalog.
Now, if you want me to read some
passages from my unfinished novel --
No, thank you.
Grinch, come out of that sleigh so I
can whip the green off your bitch ass!
It's easy to talk tough to a
villain when his little bird
wrists are even bonier than your own.
You're not the cartoon Grinch.
You're the stupid-ass Jim Carrey Grinch.
A Grinch is a Grinch, my little friend.
And I'm afraid your precious presents--
You took the best cartoon of
all time, and you pissed in its mouth!
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's not get personal.
You know what?
Keep my stuff.
I'm about to give myself the best
Christmas present of all time.
Nooooooo!
Merry Christmas to all, and
to all, a good --
Oh, my gosh.
That little Stockholm-syndrome dog.
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, these tooth marks are really gonna
affect the AFA grading, though.
♪ La-boo-da-boo, bring us... ♪
Everyone, look who fell through
my roof -- the Christmas thief!
The spirit of vengeance
answered our prayers!
Would the spirit of vengeance
want us to rape it?
It is Christmas.