Roadkill (2012–2020): Season 1, Episode 2 - Viva Ranchero! Alaska or Bust! - full transcript

- Yeah, finally.

Get some love.

(hard rock music)

Dude, come check this out!

- What do you got?

- You wanted to go to Alaska, right?

- Yeah.

- I've got it.

- Is that snow?

- Ice racing.

And it's oval track.



Wheel to wheel, bashing.

This is in Big Lake,

which is just the other side of Anchorage,

so we can drive all the way
there on the Alcan Highway.

- Where's the Alcan Highway?

- It's this historic legendary
road that they built.

It was an oil road in World War II.

- So you're saying drive from
here to Alaska and go racing?

- Does it sound like a problem?

- No, I'm totally in.

- I bought this thing in the
dark so don't criticize me.

- You paid how much for this?

- 1,300 bucks.

This is exactly what we
need, 'cause if we wreck it,



it doesn't matter, right?

So we need to make a list, 'cause...

- That's easy, one of everything.

- I think we should drive
it around the block,

figure out if the brakes
and suspension work

and then come back, make a list,

and tear the engine and trans out of it.

- Yeah, let's go around the block

'cause it'll seem such a much better

idea after we do that.

- And it still runs.

- Let's test the brakes.

- This was a good time for this job.

- All right, perfect.

- We discovered the custom
quick release dashboard.

- That's for racing.

- Let's tear it apart.

- All right.

- How's your confidence now?

- Let's just leave right now.

(hard rock guitar music)

- I use this as an excuse to build the car

I'd always wanted, a clone of the Ranchero

that Hot Rod raced and
won their class with

in the very first Baja with
AC Miller and Ray Brock.

When I picked the car
up I was really hoping

that it would just need sort of a fluff up

and paint it and hit the road

and as it turns out, it needed everything.

- This is the biggest order

I've ever placed at Summit Racing.

$3,400 bucks worth of stuff
from Summit all at once.

It's what happens when
you're on a short schedule.

- Yeah.

- This is Thursday afternoon,
we leave Sunday morning,

and as you can see we
still have no engine,

no trans, no suspension, no brakes.

I think the gas tank's
actually in the car.

These guys are all jamming hard,

I'm doing corporate stuff
and I'm still really hoping

that we make this.

Seriously.

- Once we tore into it, It was ridiculous.

We replaced the engine, the
transmission, the brakes,

the wheels, the tires, the
wiring, sheet medal in the floor,

we added a heater because
the car didn't have one,

insulation, I mean, you name it,

we replaced it on this car.

The motor we put in it

was a 302 based Ford from Dart Machinery

and it was 363 cubic inches,

I think it made like 450
horsepower on the dyno.

It wasn't an easy swap.

It didn't go in right away even though

we were replacing the same model of motor

that was in the car.

- This is what I look like
when I'm watching Grant work.

It's Friday night.

We have a day and a half left.

This biggest problem is we're
past the window of opportunity

to actually have open shops for

alignment, exhaust, and drive shop.

There'll be moments of
entertainment to come.

- Status report.

Its not quite as cold as Alaska in here.

But damn close.

We were supposed to leave half hour ago.

I'm guessing we're going
to leave 12 hours from now.

- Its a conservative estimate.
- Pfft, dude.

That was an emotional blow.

- I'm telling you.

So tired.

20 hours late is the new just on time.

- Let's go to Alaska.

- We hit the road finally

and it was smooth sailing
all the way up into Utah

but then we got slowed down again,

when we hit a big snowstorm.

- We're in Salt Lake City.

We left at 12 am this morning.

It's 4 am right now.

We're doing good.

I'm going to go hose myself off

and then we're going to drive to Canada.

- I think I'm dying.

- Slowly but surely.

- I need a burger and a bed and a beer.

Not necessarily in that order.

I'll take whatever.

- The next morning we
had our first disaster.

We'd installed a block heater,

which is a heating element

that replaces the freeze plug

in the side of the engine block.

And it didn't fit perfectly

and it was puking coolant everywhere.

- Yeah!

- That was all half of it.

- You know what would make me
feel much better about that?

Yeah.

All right, that's it.

(engine starting)

(glass breaking)

- By this time it was
about zero degrees out,

I slammed the car door and
the passenger side window

exploded into like a billion pieces.

- The window had come off
the track a little bit

on the passenger side of the Ranchero,

and I told Finnikin, Dude be careful,

because the window comes off the track.

He didn't put two and two together that

that meant that the glass was
going to hit the roof of the car

if you shut the door the wrong way.

And he shut the door the wrong way

and I'm looking the other
way and all I hear is glass

hitting the pavement, it's like.

And we're going into freezing
weather with no window.

(jazz bass music)

- Can you adjust the mirror
over there on the right?

- I can't reach it.

I smell antifreeze again.

- I don't want to ruin your day,
but I think we need to stop.

- It's puking, isn't it?

- Not good.

- The plug came all the way out.

- Not good.

- Aah!

- I can fix it, I can fix it.

- This seemed like such a
great idea two weeks ago.

Ta-da.

As predicted that freeze
plug kept popping out,

but the good news was we got really good

at hocking them for distance.

Shall we?

- Yeah.

- We're running out of
time, you know that.

- At this point, Alaska is a pipe dream.

We'd have to cannonball 24 hours a day

for the next three days to get there

and we could still miss the race.

- Well, let's just at
least go get it fixed

and decide what to do.

- Cross your fingers.

- So, in the middle of nowhere in Idaho.

We're freezing to death.

We do the math and realize there is no way

we can get to Alaska in time for the race.

We're sitting around going,

what do we do next.

Refusing to put our tail
between our legs and go home.

And then I realized, that
some of our corporate guys

had bought a 55 Chevy,
sight unseen on eBay,

just few days earlier,

and it was in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

We could probably get from
Idaho to Colorado Springs,

so that's what we decided to do.

What's the likelihood that I
could come grab that car like,

say day after tomorrow?

- No tomorrow.

- Tomorrow.

- Tomorrow.

- Great, thank you.

We're on.

- Sweet.

- Change of direction.

- Hey, I'm Finnigan, this is Freiburger.

We're in Idaho.

We're not staying here.

- We bought a 55 Chevy
in Colorado Springs,

'cause why wouldn't you?

So we're going to Colorado.

- From Idaho.

- Now.

- Instead of Alaska.

(hard rock music)

(funky bass music)

- This is getting old.

- I like how I broke the
window and you the one

having to climb out of the car.

- I'm excruciatingly aware of that.

- Now, that's the Muffler Man.

If you're not hip to Muffler
Man, here's the deal.

They are giant fiberglass
dudes that were made

by International Fiberglass back in,

I think, the late 60s, or early 70s,

and they're all built
standing there like this,

so they can hold a muffler,
but in subsequent years,

people have bottomed and turn
them into all kinds of things,

I've seen them holding golf
clubs or as Paul Bunyan.

And this particular one in
Helper, Utah was a coal miner.

- He'd look real good, in
the bed of the Ranchero.

- Do you think we can get them home?

- We lost the freeze plug again.

That's three times.

- Told you.

- Three times.

- So, who reinstalled that one?

- Some dude, I don't know.

Not, he's not here right now.

- What a mess.

- Swear to god it was tight.

- You going to go find it?

We have more.

- Two more.

'Cause that just happens.

It's in here somewhere I swear.

Snowboard came in handy on this trip.

Air cleaner, no.

All right, we might be hosed.

'Cause I can't find them now.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

Aha!

- Ta-da.

- Yeah.

- We faked that for the drama,

we knew it was there the whole time.

- We didn't.

These are made in India,

these aren't even in China or Mexico.

- That's a step up.

This easy to get to, could be much worse.

This could be the freeze plug

that's located behind the motor mount.

- Don't talk about that.

- It's what's going to happen next.

- Don't talk about that.

- It we just face it head forward.

- Don't talk about it.

This stuff is awesome,

it dries in one minute flat.

That ought to stay in there, I hope.

This is the view.

This car says, I'm going to run you over,

if only I could run more
than a few miles at a time.

- Let's do it.

- Out of gas, on a hill, in a snow storm.

- In Vail.

- Good snow here.

- I'm really starting to enjoy

the climb across a little too much.

- Dude.

Nobody likes you.

Can't get the hood open.

All right, we got this.

No problem.

We just climbed Vail Summit,

over 12,000 feet of elevation

in a snow storm in the
40 year old Ranchero

with a carburetor,

and we're actually patting
ourselves on the back

'cause we were able to get
up the hill without chains

which was cool.

But on the way down, the
heater stopped working.

And I looked down at the
gauge, and I was like,

oh crap, it's overheating.

Why is this overheating?

And we pulled over 'cause
we actually thought

the radiator was icing up,

but then we notice the belt's
gone for the water pump.

And we don't have a spare, and it's, what,

like 10 o'clock at night, so
there's no auto parts open.

- And it's 10 degrees.

Certain irony in overheating
in 10 degree weather, isn't it?

- Where are we?

- I have no idea.

We're at the foot of our 12,000 foot hill

where we lost an alternator belt

and we coasted 30 miles to get here.

So we're going to go scrounge food,

stay at this luxury resort,

and hit the road again in the morning.

- Food sounds awesome.

- Beer sounds better.

- Yeah.

- And then there was the 55 Chevy.

I got to say it looked good
from a distance but whew,

good looking from afar
but far from good looking.

- When I initially saw the
55 I was fired up about it.

From 50 feet it was sexy.

It reminded me of the two
lane black top movie car.

And it was primered, had
radius cut rear wheel wells,

tunnel ram motor sticking out
of the hood and I thought,

this thing's going to be so much fun.

But, by the time I walked up on the car,

my heart was sinking
because as I got closer

I realized this thing is a piece of shit.

- This thing was clapped man,
but the company had bought it

so we decided to hook it
up and drag it home anyway.

- If you thought this
was bad up to this point,

it's about to get worse.

- We're now less than a block away

at Colorado Speed Company.

These guys are kind enough
to let us use their shop

and to help us prep this thing

to be towed behind the Ranchero.

It came with a tow bar,
but it's pretty much junk.

So, we're going to go find a
new one, probably from Uhaul.

We're going to find the
right lug nuts for this

so the wheels don't fall off of it,

wire up some lights and head home.

So, wish us luck.

(heart beating)

- So, we're just about
to leave Colorado Springs

and I decide to say to myself,

let's find out why that
wheel keeps squeaking.

This is why, because the axle bearing,

which was brand new, by the way,

has been eating its way into
that axle shaft right there.

And now, we have a new bearing,

at long last after four trips
to the auto parts store.

We're going to commit the ultimate sin

and tack weld the bearing to
the axle itself to get home.

You didn't slip the
retainer on first, my god.

In our sleep deprived stupor
we had the bearing all nice

and ting weld on to the axle,

we're thinking, yeah,
that's going to work.

Until we realized we forgot to
put the retainer plate on it

that holds the axle into the housing.

Yeah.

- It goes behind the bearing.

- Yeah, it goes right here.

We took the retainer
plate and cut a slot in it

and slid it behind the bearing, ingenuity.

Appreciate that.

Thanks a lot.

- Good luck.

- Yep.

- Nobody flat tows
hardly anything any more

other than really small things like Jeeps

or small cars you'll
see behind motorhomes.

Flat towing a 55 Chevy
behind a Ford Ranchero

is not the smartest thing
you could do, but we did it.

We thought, no problem, we're badasses,

we'll get this thing home.

And as soon as we hit the
highway, all hell broke loose,

the thing was swerving left and right.

- This thing was wagging
hard on the freeway.

I don't care who bought this thing or why,

it was going back.

- Hey, I'm Finnegan, this is Freiburger

and today we're in
Colorado Springs, Colorado.

The wheels have officially
fallen off this bitch.

We're going to a happy place,

we're going to look at a
big ass hole in the ground,

we're going to the Grand Canyon.

- We're going Thelma and Louise right now.

- Right now.

(hard rock music)

Just outside of Flagstaff
we encountered snow again.

- At this point, you
might think that things

aren't really going that well,

but you know what,

we refuse to be depressed on a road trip

and what cheers us up every
time is donuts in the snow.

Sometimes you have to create your own fun

when you're out on the road,

and Finnigan's idea of fun

is often buying inanimate objects,

usually based on animals
and strapping them to cars.

And so, we got ourselves an ass

and strapped it to the roof of the car.

- Good day.

Between Flagstaff and a
big hole in the ground,

we saw this place called the Roadkill Cafe

and how can you not stop at some place

with a name like that.

- The opossum blossom.

- The chicken that
almost crossed the road.

- I don't know what I
ate, but it was dead.

- There's the river.

(both cheering)

- We're at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

- You know sometimes
when you hit the road,

the road hits back.

But we refuse to lose and
always have fun on Roadkill.

- By the way, that was
the smell I peed on.

- Dick.