Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - A Rick in King Mortur's Mort - full transcript
♪♪
Why are we waiting in line
for food?
It's a pop-up.
It's a rare, pop-up
restaurant thing
that only enters
our solar system -- Rick.
Morty: You're gonna
spoil your appetite.
That's a weird way to say
I'm gonna stop being hungry
by eating food,
but whatever.
Three crispy,
uh, four wiggling.
You're probably not even hungry.
You just don't like lines
because they aren't
about you.
Another weirdly aggressive way
to describe a friend
respecting themselves.
-Eugh!
Helios: What a wonderful thing
to say!
Ha ha! I was merely inspired by
the wonderful thing you said!
Sirs? Guys?
You dropped this.
Please,
take it as a reward.
So courteous!
How nice it will be for you
to eat
what you were willing to stand
in line for so much sooner.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I came to stand in line
and then eat.
I-I wouldn't wanna do it
differently.
Both: Hmm...
Dear fellow, I choose
this moment
to surrender my sword
so that you may succeed me
as the newest
Knight of the Sun.
What? No.
I-I-I didn't even want
your sandwich.
I don't want your sword.
Oh, believe me, son.
You want it.
I don't understand.
You're knights?
With a "K"?
Of the Sun with a "U"
or -- or an "O"?
Your alphabet
is of no concern here.
We are sworn defenders
of Helios,
the center
of this system.
Okay,
so it's "Sun" with a "U."
Rick: Oh, God.
Morty, don't take the sword.
Oh, I'm shocked you're
against something, Rick.
You know these guys?
I know how they're dressed
and how boring this sounds.
You take that sword,
you're gonna get sucked
into a whole complicated --
Oh, shit!
Come on, take it.
Uh...
I mean, if that kid's
not gonna take the sword...
He didn't offer it
to you.
Sorry. Can I just ask
some stuff?
W-What does
a Knight of the Sun do?
He takes the sword,
for one thing.
You know what?
Maybe you made a bad call.
He -- He doesn't want
the sword.
I didn't say that.
Well, you sure
aren't taking it.
Would you just take
a random --
Obviously I would, yes!
And I did!
Best decision
of my life!
And you're shitting on it!
Excuse me?
Is this just a free sword?
Knights: No!
I'm taking the sword.
Thank you, Dawnling.
What is your name?
Morty.
Now it is Sir Mortaniel.
I made it a little knightier.
Good day.
Wait, did he just --
God damn it, Morty!
You took the sword?
So boring!
Oh, like you're not
at this point?
You drunk cranky fuck!
Ouch.
You guys still
gonna stand in line?
Y-You're not gonna
take this food?
The pop-up pays us
to stand here.
To drive up business.
Knew it.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Everyone!
Sir Helios' successor,
Sir Mortaniel!
Together: ♪ Sir Mortaniel,
face so bright ♪
♪ Serves the Sun with strength
and might ♪
♪ Sir Mortaniel, come and see ♪
♪ Just what the Sun provides
for thee ♪
Wow, my -- my own song!
Now you know why Sir Helios
had to change your name
to something
with three syllables.
Welcome, Dawnling,
to the Sun!
So it is the Sun,
like Earth's sun?
Ah-ha,
he's heard of us!
How come I'm not, like,
burning to a crisp?
You are currently protected
by our powers,
but soon they will be yours.
Our flesh is indestructible!
Our lives are never-ending,
but not even in the dumb
vampire way where after a while
you hate it
and you can't die.
We can die whenever we want.
We just don't have to.
But you're not allowed
to leave, right?
L-Like, I'll -- I'll --
I'll never see my family again?
We leave constantly!
I met you on an asteroid.
Oh, yeah. Between us,
that wasn't a deal breaker,
but it's even better
that there's options.
You'll have more freedom
than you've ever known.
Our king.
The Sun is the center
of the solar system.
It is the home
of the solar Scepter,
around which
all worlds revolve.
The men who keep it safe are
admired by all and live as gods.
Any more questions?
Uh, yeah, where do I sign?
Huzzah.
[ Laughter ]
Well, that does it.
Off to the parapet
to make this official.
Yeah,
let's do this.
Now just cut off your penises
and throw them into the Sun.
Oooooooookey-dokey.
I see Mortaniel wants
to go first.
Uh, not true.
Do I just leave the sword
wherever?
I-Is there a sword bin?
What are you saying?
You don't want to cut off --
Listen, guys, c-can we not --
It's a terrific
and painful sacrifice
we all make
for the most important
and powerful job
in the universe.
We've done it since
the dawn of dawns.
Yep.
There it is in stained glass.
It's official.
A-And I'm not judging it.
And I'm not doing it.
People
really live here?
This is nuts.
I thought it was a metaphor.
We have to go.
Ah. Boy.
They're not messing around, huh?
How are you not burning?
Oh, it's just science,
which,
unless I'm misinterpreting,
is clearly not
a priority here.
Okay, c'mon, lil' June bug.
I-I won't rub your face
in this one.
I-I'm guessing
you're feeling pretty stupid.
Yes. Thank you.
Sir Helios gave his life
with that sword.
Mortaniel took it.
He cannot leave unless
he bests me in combat.
Hmm.
Okay, uh, one sec.
I'm guessing these guys
are, like, pseudo-immortalish
since they live on the Sun,
so playing by their rules
might be the fastest way
out of this.
J-Just best him
in combat.
What?
Here.
This sword uses A.I. to learn
from an opponent's attacks.
So I have
to get attacked first?
No, no, no, the sword
has already seen "Blade."
And loved it.
You'll be fine.
[ Knights gasp, murmuring ]
-By golly!
-Ooh! Crikey!
♪♪
Okay, so we're done here.
No. We're not done.
I am done.
You are
now king of the Sun.
Protect the Scepter
always.
No, no, no, no,
I don't want to!
[ Gasps ]
Well, how is
that supposed to work?
He's king, but he was never
even a knight.
I mean, that's stupid.
Uh, it's --
it's definitely a...
Sun first.
A king with a penis?
Well, what do you want
from me?!
Together:
All hail King Mortaniel!
Uhhhhh, as your king,
I hereby declare a vacation,
for me.
I'll come visit you guys,
on, like, Sun Day...
Sundays.
If I forget,
just wait a week.
Keep doing that,
keep the crown. Peace.
Hell yeah. See?
That's from when
he's fighting Deacon Frost.
I don't know. Um,
I-I thought it was cool.
Okay. So...
So? Oh.
So, you dragged me
to a fake restaurant,
yelled at me for not
doing what you wanted,
then did something
I told you not to,
and it almost
cost you your pud,
but I saved your life,
and now you're waiting for me
to make you feel
like shit about it.
That's --
Yeah, you nailed it.
Morty, I'm sorry I let your
opinion of me get this low.
All right, I get it.
There's nothing to get.
I'm for real.
Look, I'm a drunk,
I'm a psychopath,
I'm a murderer, but...
when you called me boring...
I shouldn't have.
...I needed to hear it.
And you took the stupid sword,
and I was like, "Holy crap,
this is who I am
to this kid?
He just does the opposite
of my advice now.
I mean,
I-I gotta fix that."
So I'm gonna be, like, 22%
more agreeable
with you for, like,
maybe one episode,
or one adventure.
We'll see how it goes.
Is 22% a lot?
Well,
I-I'm not gonna tell you
what percentage
of our time together
I'm usually mean to you
because it'll hurt
your stupid feelings,
but 22% is substantial.
You're gonna feel
the difference.
Okay.
I mean, I-I appreciate it.
You should, because you made
a real mess with these guys.
Oh, man!
-Sire.
-You can't leave.
Go away!
My king, it is
our duty to follow you
till the sun sets
on our watch.
I mean, it set yesterday,
so you're done. Bye.
Sire, the sun never sets
on the Sun.
Can you get rid of them?
You want me to...
Well...
You guys know
he can kill you, right?
I think he'd find that
quite difficult, sire,
but if it pleases you.
Can't I just tell you it
pleases me for you to go away?
No. Not really.
So you'd rather die
than leave me alone?
Together: Yes.
♪ A pheasant plucked for
my good king ♪
♪ A merry jig,
sweet songbirds sing ♪
[ Laughter ]
These guys live on our sun?
I've never heard of them.
I don't see them doing a lot
to earn interplanetary fame.
I beg your pardon, wizard.
The Knights of the Sun
protect the solar Scepter...
around which even
this world turns.
Beth: You do mean that,
like, symbolically, right?
Oh, quite literally.
The Scepter is the center
of the solar system.
All planets orbit it.
We keep it on the Sun
so that
Jupiter and Saturn
don't bump into each other.
[ Laughter ]
Omigod.
They don't even know
sixth grade science.
That's it!
Yeah, so there you have it.
Traditions suck ass,
and your
most foundational beliefs
are total bullshit.
We're supposed to take
your word for it?
Anyone can draw circles
on a board and spout numbers.
Yes, this sounds like
a fun theory, sire,
but it would take more than this
for us to give up --
Okay, so how do you guys
think it works again?
Well, the Scepter --
Oh, you mean this old thing?
Together: Gaaah!
You want it?
Here.
Take it back home.
It's a symbol.
It's your culture.
That's not the same
as reality.
Does this mean
we cut off our penises
for absolutely no reason?
That's the bad news.
The good news is,
you're free.
-Ooh, that stings.
-Fuck this knights shit.
-[ Grunts ]
-A query?
I just used your "computer
phone" to search "despair."
Where can I get
this heroin?
I'm not telling you that.
No matter. I'm seeing
from most of your song lyrics
that I can get it anywhere.
[ Clears throat ]
Um, you guys, someone just
used critical thinking
and basic physics to destroy
their first entire religion.
-Nice.
-Good job, Morty.
So no more sun-tourage?
Yep. All done.
Plus, Rick and I both learned
to support each other better.
So that's it.
We're done.
Feels early,
but w-we're done.
[ Electricity crackling ]
What's happening?
Appliances are breaking
that I haven't touched.
Maybe the sun is...
celebrating?
Ha ha ha ha! The Sons of the
Moon are storming the walkway.
Doesn't matter. Their aggression
will be kept in check
by a host of interplanetary
treaties and alliances.
It's very complicated,
but as long as The Knights
of the Sun stand together,
the solar system
will always have
complete political stability.
Where are the Knights
of the Sun,
by the way?
I'm done pooping.
Hmm?
Did the, uh,
Knights of the Sun...
disband?
While I was pooping?
Sunnnn-kward.
♪♪
How many planets in our
solar system have these clowns?
I guess if the sun can support
life, any planet can.
I mean, maybe we all descended
from a common ancestor.
Haven't you seen, like,
all of the universes?
Exactly. So why would
I hang out on Pluto?
That's
some Jerry-league shit.
[ Indistinct arguing ]
Lithdor: If the Sons of
the Moon can attack the sun,
why should the Viscounts
of Venus continue sitting
in Saturn's shadow?
How's this for a reason?
We got all the rings
and all the balls.
-Oh, fuck you.
-Really?
If the Saturno Venusian détente
is no longer honored,
I declare you all
moons of Jupiter.
Because
that's what you are to us!
A bunch of moons!
Do the Knights of the Sun
plan to protect
Mercury from this chaos?
Because if we're on our own,
there's a new,
very tiny sun in town.
[ Fireworks exploding,
indistinct shouting ]
[ Shouting stops ]
It's all you, pal.
Um, hello?
Don't I have, like,
authority
over this
Sons of the Moon meeting?
That all depends.
Who the hell are you?
This guy's
the king of the Sun.
-Holy shit.
-When did this happen?
Ha! Then tell your knights
to do their jobs.
Yes, Your Majesty. We all know
the Sun's power lives
and dies with your knights.
Who are you?
Who am -- Who --
I am the Marquis of Mars!
And I declare war
on all of you!
War on all of you!
Where are the Knights of the Sun
when we need them most?
Funny you should ask, uh...
They're gone!
[ All gasp ]
They've abandoned
their duties.
I see it in the bones.
Damn,
the bones nailed it.
Okay, so you have space ships
and magic ladies?
Look, I'm not gonna read
all the books.
What will it take
to let this
Sons of the Moon fiasco
resolve itself?
Excuse me. How did you become
king of the Sun?
You look like an Earthling.
Santa?
Santa?
What the hell is that?
I'm the Earl of Earth,
god damn it.
I agree with Earth
on one thing --
Venus questions the legitimacy
of this king's authority.
My people say I say aye.
[ Indistinct arguing ]
I'm the king.
I've got the Scepter
right here.
Marquis of Mars:
What the fuck?
Yeah, yeah, I know
you're freaking out
because it's not on the sun.
No, because whoever has it
rules the solar system!
It's up for grabs!
Get it!
Earl of Earth:
After it! Ahhhh!
Yes, yes.
I have the Scepter.
Soon Jupiter will be the center
of our solar system's
newest dark ages.
Fuck that.
Mercury will now be
the shining beacon of --
Time to throw it
all against the wall.
I think you crushed it.
I mean, not just anybody
can start Solar War One.
Stop supporting me.
Can do.
♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪
♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪♪
♪ Did, did, did, did you see
the frightened ones? ♪
♪ Did, did, did, did you hear
the falling bombs? ♪
♪ Did, did, did, did you
ever wonder why ♪
♪ We had to run for shelter
when the promise ♪
♪ Of a brave new world unfurled
beneath a clear blue sky? ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[ All shouting ]
♪ Did, did, did, did you see
the frightened ones? ♪
♪ Did, did, did, did you hear
the falling bombs? ♪
♪ The flames are all long gone,
but the pain lingers on ♪
♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪
♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
[ Explosion ]
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪♪
[ Computer beeping ]
Damn, who would have thought
giving the Amish nukes
would threaten
the solar system?
Maybe we should just
jump universes.
I don't know, buddy.
Feels like we're kind of more
about trying out
commitment now, ya know?
Let's put our heads together.
Maybe there's something
we haven't tried yet.
Oh, here's an idea.
Fuck you!
Hey!
Rick, I can't take it.
I admit I'm wrong, I screwed up.
You're killing me here
yes-and'ing me to death.
What is this,
"Vat of Acid" again?
Look, man, I'm sorry I've been
such a dick in the past
that you think
I'm doing a thing here.
I'm honestly just trying
to do better by you.
Are you a robot?
Morty!
A clone?
Morty, this family's got enough
clones and robots in it.
Come on, Morty, stop asking
what you're asking
and let's just get back
to our crisis.
I'm sorry. It's just been
a hard road with you, Rick.
Morty, I get that,
but you can trust me
when I say I'm just trying
to do right by you.
Okay, Rick.
You're right. Maybe...
maybe I just need
to round up some Knights.
If I disillusioned
the old ones,
I'll just have
to re-illusion them.
It shouldn't be that hard,
right?
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
♪♪
Cousins, we need to return
to the walkway at once.
[ Laughter ]
Why are you laughing?
Did I say something funny?
Oh, Mortaniel.
The only person we bend
the knee to these days
is that sweet Black Betty.
Yeah, man, all hail
Mr. Brownstone.
And his doctor.
Feelgood, that is.
They're talking about heroin,
Morty. They like it.
Obviously.
Obviously?!
Apparently living on the Sun
has turned our veins
into triple-bonded carbon,
so try this tale on for size,
Mortaniel...
we can't OD!
C'mon, you guys
are a mess.
Well, they actually
seem kinda awesome, Morty.
Lemme be your king.
I admit, I wanted what you
once had --
brotherhood, tradition,
stability, purpose.
I just...didn't want to cut
my dick off for it.
Phosphorant:
Yeah, that's the point.
We were quick to follow
this boy before,
without even forcing him
to commit to our traditions.
And all he did was break
our faith and our walkway.
And now
this random fucking guy
is here again
to tell us what to do?
No fucking way!
What if I cut off my dick?
But you'd be cutting it off
for no reason.
Yeah, that's the point
of tradition --
doing things for no reason,
but it'd be reason enough
doing it for you guys.
Fairenheat: Well, you do that,
that would compete with heroin.
Cool, cool. Can
I maybe get a minute?
[ Crying ]
Buddy, what's up?
Reaching some sad conclusions
about your situation?
Yes, but that walkway needs
those knights,
those knights need a king,
and that king needs no dick.
Damn, Morty, you really
are stepping up.
Now do you want me
to help you
not have to cut
your dick off, though?
Yes, please.
Then I got you.
Uh, you really mean it,
Rick?
Of course, buddy.
I'll give you a fake dick
with three layers
of fail-safes.
They'll never know
the difference.
[ Sobs ]
Shh, Morty.
We're gonna make your dick
so fake, buddy.
♪♪
The signal! Sir, the Knights
of the Sun are once more.
Hold fire.
If this return to the Old Ways
is true,
I'd be willing to return home
and put an end to the bloodshed.
[ Group cheering ]
♪♪
♪♪
Sir? Shall we hold off on the
antimatter hydrogen bombing?
[ Chuckles ] Those crusty
knights won't do the Sun
much good without their --
Hoo!
Let's hear them out.
[ Crowd cheering ]
I, Lithdor, son of Thrifdor,
personally oversee
the stumping
of thy king's stem.
If his stem burns true,
peace will be restored
between the spheres.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yay!
Present the Shears of Stumping!
-Morty the Brave!
-You got this, my king!
♪♪
First things first.
Step through this machine
which checks for
nanotechnological
hologram dicks.
What?!
War opened our eyes to
the wonders of new technologies.
Please, step through,
my liege.
♪♪
[ Machine beeps ]
Whew!
Sorry, my lord,
but we're gonna need you
to step through
this second machine,
which checks
for emergency clone dicks.
Oh, wow, you guys
really embraced
a lot of specific
new tech, huh?
Whoa, a sunspot!
What? Where?
[ Crowd gasping ]
Boy, is -- is that a
third detector I see, as well?
You'll find out after
the second one.
We don't like
to reveal them
until the previous detecting
threshold has been crossed.
Right.
The third detector is going
to scan for a prosthetic dick.
Oh. Ha ha. Good.
Okay, well, go on through,
and, of course, by "prosthetic"
we mean witchcraft dick.
-Shit.
-I sense one.
The bones say
he's still packin'.
[ Crowd gasps ]
Ha ha, can't get nothin'
past the chicken bone lady.
J-Just testing her.
Stump. Thy. Stem.
Rick: [ Thinking ] Morty?
Morty, don't answer out loud.
Can you hear me? It's Rick. I'm
talking to you with my mind.
Yeah, I can hear you.
You said that out loud.
Don't speak.
Sorry.
[ Thinking ] Sorry.
I uplinked a telepathic
nano satellite
so we could hear
each other's thoughts.
Carefully do everything
I tell you
in the exact order
I tell you to do it.
Okay.
Grab the scissors.
Okay.
Got the scissors.
Now...run!
Oh, shit, shit!
Guards, seize them!
Morty: [ Thinking ] Run? You
couldn't have just said that?!
You don't have to use
telepathy anymore.
You can just ask your
rhetorical questions out loud.
I don't understand, Rick.
Here's something that's easy
to understand, buddy --
I'm proud of you for trying
to solve your own shit.
Ugh, I didn't want
to have to do this.
It's okay this time.
We don't have any choice.
I love you, Rick.
Love you, too, buddy.
♪♪
Both: Whoooooaaa!
Fairenheat: And that's when
King Morty and Rick
were left with no choice
but to leap into the Sun.
Such shame he felt for what
he'd done to our society,
sacrificing his dick
wasn't enough --
He gave his entire body
and wizard servant, as well.
And after a while,
their sun-proof bones
floated up to the top.
We even checked with
a royal ladle
to ensure it was real sun,
not just them hiding beneath
in a vat of fake sun.
Such a violent death.
And finally when our grief
could bear no more,
we decided to abolish our
medieval act of stem stumping.
And we have
King Morty the Molten
to thank for that.
Both: Morty the Molten!
King Morty the Molten!
See, Morty?
Worked like a charm.
Aren't we risking it
all coming back here?
Morty, we had to know.
Plus the heat --
It's good for my joints.
-King Mortaniel?!
You're alive?!
Yeah, go tell everybody.
Your reward's gonna be
cutting off your own dick.
Right.
Point taken.
R.I.P. and cheerio.
Whew!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
One crispy,
one wriggling.
Coming right up.
Three loozums.
How 'bout ten years?
In jail.
Huh?
Special Agent Mongo Bongo.
You're under arrest for
illegal hot dog trafficking.
[ Panting ]
Oh!
♪♪
[ Hot dogs crying ]
♪♪
[ Hot dogs crying ]
Be free, my little babies.
Ahh!
Huh.
Surprised they actually made it.
Kinda thought maybe some birds
would swoop down --
Aaahhhhh! Aah!
I jinxed it. Aah!
Did you get any of that?
♪♪
Why are we waiting in line
for food?
It's a pop-up.
It's a rare, pop-up
restaurant thing
that only enters
our solar system -- Rick.
Morty: You're gonna
spoil your appetite.
That's a weird way to say
I'm gonna stop being hungry
by eating food,
but whatever.
Three crispy,
uh, four wiggling.
You're probably not even hungry.
You just don't like lines
because they aren't
about you.
Another weirdly aggressive way
to describe a friend
respecting themselves.
-Eugh!
Helios: What a wonderful thing
to say!
Ha ha! I was merely inspired by
the wonderful thing you said!
Sirs? Guys?
You dropped this.
Please,
take it as a reward.
So courteous!
How nice it will be for you
to eat
what you were willing to stand
in line for so much sooner.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I came to stand in line
and then eat.
I-I wouldn't wanna do it
differently.
Both: Hmm...
Dear fellow, I choose
this moment
to surrender my sword
so that you may succeed me
as the newest
Knight of the Sun.
What? No.
I-I-I didn't even want
your sandwich.
I don't want your sword.
Oh, believe me, son.
You want it.
I don't understand.
You're knights?
With a "K"?
Of the Sun with a "U"
or -- or an "O"?
Your alphabet
is of no concern here.
We are sworn defenders
of Helios,
the center
of this system.
Okay,
so it's "Sun" with a "U."
Rick: Oh, God.
Morty, don't take the sword.
Oh, I'm shocked you're
against something, Rick.
You know these guys?
I know how they're dressed
and how boring this sounds.
You take that sword,
you're gonna get sucked
into a whole complicated --
Oh, shit!
Come on, take it.
Uh...
I mean, if that kid's
not gonna take the sword...
He didn't offer it
to you.
Sorry. Can I just ask
some stuff?
W-What does
a Knight of the Sun do?
He takes the sword,
for one thing.
You know what?
Maybe you made a bad call.
He -- He doesn't want
the sword.
I didn't say that.
Well, you sure
aren't taking it.
Would you just take
a random --
Obviously I would, yes!
And I did!
Best decision
of my life!
And you're shitting on it!
Excuse me?
Is this just a free sword?
Knights: No!
I'm taking the sword.
Thank you, Dawnling.
What is your name?
Morty.
Now it is Sir Mortaniel.
I made it a little knightier.
Good day.
Wait, did he just --
God damn it, Morty!
You took the sword?
So boring!
Oh, like you're not
at this point?
You drunk cranky fuck!
Ouch.
You guys still
gonna stand in line?
Y-You're not gonna
take this food?
The pop-up pays us
to stand here.
To drive up business.
Knew it.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Everyone!
Sir Helios' successor,
Sir Mortaniel!
Together: ♪ Sir Mortaniel,
face so bright ♪
♪ Serves the Sun with strength
and might ♪
♪ Sir Mortaniel, come and see ♪
♪ Just what the Sun provides
for thee ♪
Wow, my -- my own song!
Now you know why Sir Helios
had to change your name
to something
with three syllables.
Welcome, Dawnling,
to the Sun!
So it is the Sun,
like Earth's sun?
Ah-ha,
he's heard of us!
How come I'm not, like,
burning to a crisp?
You are currently protected
by our powers,
but soon they will be yours.
Our flesh is indestructible!
Our lives are never-ending,
but not even in the dumb
vampire way where after a while
you hate it
and you can't die.
We can die whenever we want.
We just don't have to.
But you're not allowed
to leave, right?
L-Like, I'll -- I'll --
I'll never see my family again?
We leave constantly!
I met you on an asteroid.
Oh, yeah. Between us,
that wasn't a deal breaker,
but it's even better
that there's options.
You'll have more freedom
than you've ever known.
Our king.
The Sun is the center
of the solar system.
It is the home
of the solar Scepter,
around which
all worlds revolve.
The men who keep it safe are
admired by all and live as gods.
Any more questions?
Uh, yeah, where do I sign?
Huzzah.
[ Laughter ]
Well, that does it.
Off to the parapet
to make this official.
Yeah,
let's do this.
Now just cut off your penises
and throw them into the Sun.
Oooooooookey-dokey.
I see Mortaniel wants
to go first.
Uh, not true.
Do I just leave the sword
wherever?
I-Is there a sword bin?
What are you saying?
You don't want to cut off --
Listen, guys, c-can we not --
It's a terrific
and painful sacrifice
we all make
for the most important
and powerful job
in the universe.
We've done it since
the dawn of dawns.
Yep.
There it is in stained glass.
It's official.
A-And I'm not judging it.
And I'm not doing it.
People
really live here?
This is nuts.
I thought it was a metaphor.
We have to go.
Ah. Boy.
They're not messing around, huh?
How are you not burning?
Oh, it's just science,
which,
unless I'm misinterpreting,
is clearly not
a priority here.
Okay, c'mon, lil' June bug.
I-I won't rub your face
in this one.
I-I'm guessing
you're feeling pretty stupid.
Yes. Thank you.
Sir Helios gave his life
with that sword.
Mortaniel took it.
He cannot leave unless
he bests me in combat.
Hmm.
Okay, uh, one sec.
I'm guessing these guys
are, like, pseudo-immortalish
since they live on the Sun,
so playing by their rules
might be the fastest way
out of this.
J-Just best him
in combat.
What?
Here.
This sword uses A.I. to learn
from an opponent's attacks.
So I have
to get attacked first?
No, no, no, the sword
has already seen "Blade."
And loved it.
You'll be fine.
[ Knights gasp, murmuring ]
-By golly!
-Ooh! Crikey!
♪♪
Okay, so we're done here.
No. We're not done.
I am done.
You are
now king of the Sun.
Protect the Scepter
always.
No, no, no, no,
I don't want to!
[ Gasps ]
Well, how is
that supposed to work?
He's king, but he was never
even a knight.
I mean, that's stupid.
Uh, it's --
it's definitely a...
Sun first.
A king with a penis?
Well, what do you want
from me?!
Together:
All hail King Mortaniel!
Uhhhhh, as your king,
I hereby declare a vacation,
for me.
I'll come visit you guys,
on, like, Sun Day...
Sundays.
If I forget,
just wait a week.
Keep doing that,
keep the crown. Peace.
Hell yeah. See?
That's from when
he's fighting Deacon Frost.
I don't know. Um,
I-I thought it was cool.
Okay. So...
So? Oh.
So, you dragged me
to a fake restaurant,
yelled at me for not
doing what you wanted,
then did something
I told you not to,
and it almost
cost you your pud,
but I saved your life,
and now you're waiting for me
to make you feel
like shit about it.
That's --
Yeah, you nailed it.
Morty, I'm sorry I let your
opinion of me get this low.
All right, I get it.
There's nothing to get.
I'm for real.
Look, I'm a drunk,
I'm a psychopath,
I'm a murderer, but...
when you called me boring...
I shouldn't have.
...I needed to hear it.
And you took the stupid sword,
and I was like, "Holy crap,
this is who I am
to this kid?
He just does the opposite
of my advice now.
I mean,
I-I gotta fix that."
So I'm gonna be, like, 22%
more agreeable
with you for, like,
maybe one episode,
or one adventure.
We'll see how it goes.
Is 22% a lot?
Well,
I-I'm not gonna tell you
what percentage
of our time together
I'm usually mean to you
because it'll hurt
your stupid feelings,
but 22% is substantial.
You're gonna feel
the difference.
Okay.
I mean, I-I appreciate it.
You should, because you made
a real mess with these guys.
Oh, man!
-Sire.
-You can't leave.
Go away!
My king, it is
our duty to follow you
till the sun sets
on our watch.
I mean, it set yesterday,
so you're done. Bye.
Sire, the sun never sets
on the Sun.
Can you get rid of them?
You want me to...
Well...
You guys know
he can kill you, right?
I think he'd find that
quite difficult, sire,
but if it pleases you.
Can't I just tell you it
pleases me for you to go away?
No. Not really.
So you'd rather die
than leave me alone?
Together: Yes.
♪ A pheasant plucked for
my good king ♪
♪ A merry jig,
sweet songbirds sing ♪
[ Laughter ]
These guys live on our sun?
I've never heard of them.
I don't see them doing a lot
to earn interplanetary fame.
I beg your pardon, wizard.
The Knights of the Sun
protect the solar Scepter...
around which even
this world turns.
Beth: You do mean that,
like, symbolically, right?
Oh, quite literally.
The Scepter is the center
of the solar system.
All planets orbit it.
We keep it on the Sun
so that
Jupiter and Saturn
don't bump into each other.
[ Laughter ]
Omigod.
They don't even know
sixth grade science.
That's it!
Yeah, so there you have it.
Traditions suck ass,
and your
most foundational beliefs
are total bullshit.
We're supposed to take
your word for it?
Anyone can draw circles
on a board and spout numbers.
Yes, this sounds like
a fun theory, sire,
but it would take more than this
for us to give up --
Okay, so how do you guys
think it works again?
Well, the Scepter --
Oh, you mean this old thing?
Together: Gaaah!
You want it?
Here.
Take it back home.
It's a symbol.
It's your culture.
That's not the same
as reality.
Does this mean
we cut off our penises
for absolutely no reason?
That's the bad news.
The good news is,
you're free.
-Ooh, that stings.
-Fuck this knights shit.
-[ Grunts ]
-A query?
I just used your "computer
phone" to search "despair."
Where can I get
this heroin?
I'm not telling you that.
No matter. I'm seeing
from most of your song lyrics
that I can get it anywhere.
[ Clears throat ]
Um, you guys, someone just
used critical thinking
and basic physics to destroy
their first entire religion.
-Nice.
-Good job, Morty.
So no more sun-tourage?
Yep. All done.
Plus, Rick and I both learned
to support each other better.
So that's it.
We're done.
Feels early,
but w-we're done.
[ Electricity crackling ]
What's happening?
Appliances are breaking
that I haven't touched.
Maybe the sun is...
celebrating?
Ha ha ha ha! The Sons of the
Moon are storming the walkway.
Doesn't matter. Their aggression
will be kept in check
by a host of interplanetary
treaties and alliances.
It's very complicated,
but as long as The Knights
of the Sun stand together,
the solar system
will always have
complete political stability.
Where are the Knights
of the Sun,
by the way?
I'm done pooping.
Hmm?
Did the, uh,
Knights of the Sun...
disband?
While I was pooping?
Sunnnn-kward.
♪♪
How many planets in our
solar system have these clowns?
I guess if the sun can support
life, any planet can.
I mean, maybe we all descended
from a common ancestor.
Haven't you seen, like,
all of the universes?
Exactly. So why would
I hang out on Pluto?
That's
some Jerry-league shit.
[ Indistinct arguing ]
Lithdor: If the Sons of
the Moon can attack the sun,
why should the Viscounts
of Venus continue sitting
in Saturn's shadow?
How's this for a reason?
We got all the rings
and all the balls.
-Oh, fuck you.
-Really?
If the Saturno Venusian détente
is no longer honored,
I declare you all
moons of Jupiter.
Because
that's what you are to us!
A bunch of moons!
Do the Knights of the Sun
plan to protect
Mercury from this chaos?
Because if we're on our own,
there's a new,
very tiny sun in town.
[ Fireworks exploding,
indistinct shouting ]
[ Shouting stops ]
It's all you, pal.
Um, hello?
Don't I have, like,
authority
over this
Sons of the Moon meeting?
That all depends.
Who the hell are you?
This guy's
the king of the Sun.
-Holy shit.
-When did this happen?
Ha! Then tell your knights
to do their jobs.
Yes, Your Majesty. We all know
the Sun's power lives
and dies with your knights.
Who are you?
Who am -- Who --
I am the Marquis of Mars!
And I declare war
on all of you!
War on all of you!
Where are the Knights of the Sun
when we need them most?
Funny you should ask, uh...
They're gone!
[ All gasp ]
They've abandoned
their duties.
I see it in the bones.
Damn,
the bones nailed it.
Okay, so you have space ships
and magic ladies?
Look, I'm not gonna read
all the books.
What will it take
to let this
Sons of the Moon fiasco
resolve itself?
Excuse me. How did you become
king of the Sun?
You look like an Earthling.
Santa?
Santa?
What the hell is that?
I'm the Earl of Earth,
god damn it.
I agree with Earth
on one thing --
Venus questions the legitimacy
of this king's authority.
My people say I say aye.
[ Indistinct arguing ]
I'm the king.
I've got the Scepter
right here.
Marquis of Mars:
What the fuck?
Yeah, yeah, I know
you're freaking out
because it's not on the sun.
No, because whoever has it
rules the solar system!
It's up for grabs!
Get it!
Earl of Earth:
After it! Ahhhh!
Yes, yes.
I have the Scepter.
Soon Jupiter will be the center
of our solar system's
newest dark ages.
Fuck that.
Mercury will now be
the shining beacon of --
Time to throw it
all against the wall.
I think you crushed it.
I mean, not just anybody
can start Solar War One.
Stop supporting me.
Can do.
♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪
♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪♪
♪ Did, did, did, did you see
the frightened ones? ♪
♪ Did, did, did, did you hear
the falling bombs? ♪
♪ Did, did, did, did you
ever wonder why ♪
♪ We had to run for shelter
when the promise ♪
♪ Of a brave new world unfurled
beneath a clear blue sky? ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
[ All shouting ]
♪ Did, did, did, did you see
the frightened ones? ♪
♪ Did, did, did, did you hear
the falling bombs? ♪
♪ The flames are all long gone,
but the pain lingers on ♪
♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪
♪ Goodbye, blue sky ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
[ Explosion ]
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪♪
[ Computer beeping ]
Damn, who would have thought
giving the Amish nukes
would threaten
the solar system?
Maybe we should just
jump universes.
I don't know, buddy.
Feels like we're kind of more
about trying out
commitment now, ya know?
Let's put our heads together.
Maybe there's something
we haven't tried yet.
Oh, here's an idea.
Fuck you!
Hey!
Rick, I can't take it.
I admit I'm wrong, I screwed up.
You're killing me here
yes-and'ing me to death.
What is this,
"Vat of Acid" again?
Look, man, I'm sorry I've been
such a dick in the past
that you think
I'm doing a thing here.
I'm honestly just trying
to do better by you.
Are you a robot?
Morty!
A clone?
Morty, this family's got enough
clones and robots in it.
Come on, Morty, stop asking
what you're asking
and let's just get back
to our crisis.
I'm sorry. It's just been
a hard road with you, Rick.
Morty, I get that,
but you can trust me
when I say I'm just trying
to do right by you.
Okay, Rick.
You're right. Maybe...
maybe I just need
to round up some Knights.
If I disillusioned
the old ones,
I'll just have
to re-illusion them.
It shouldn't be that hard,
right?
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
♪♪
Cousins, we need to return
to the walkway at once.
[ Laughter ]
Why are you laughing?
Did I say something funny?
Oh, Mortaniel.
The only person we bend
the knee to these days
is that sweet Black Betty.
Yeah, man, all hail
Mr. Brownstone.
And his doctor.
Feelgood, that is.
They're talking about heroin,
Morty. They like it.
Obviously.
Obviously?!
Apparently living on the Sun
has turned our veins
into triple-bonded carbon,
so try this tale on for size,
Mortaniel...
we can't OD!
C'mon, you guys
are a mess.
Well, they actually
seem kinda awesome, Morty.
Lemme be your king.
I admit, I wanted what you
once had --
brotherhood, tradition,
stability, purpose.
I just...didn't want to cut
my dick off for it.
Phosphorant:
Yeah, that's the point.
We were quick to follow
this boy before,
without even forcing him
to commit to our traditions.
And all he did was break
our faith and our walkway.
And now
this random fucking guy
is here again
to tell us what to do?
No fucking way!
What if I cut off my dick?
But you'd be cutting it off
for no reason.
Yeah, that's the point
of tradition --
doing things for no reason,
but it'd be reason enough
doing it for you guys.
Fairenheat: Well, you do that,
that would compete with heroin.
Cool, cool. Can
I maybe get a minute?
[ Crying ]
Buddy, what's up?
Reaching some sad conclusions
about your situation?
Yes, but that walkway needs
those knights,
those knights need a king,
and that king needs no dick.
Damn, Morty, you really
are stepping up.
Now do you want me
to help you
not have to cut
your dick off, though?
Yes, please.
Then I got you.
Uh, you really mean it,
Rick?
Of course, buddy.
I'll give you a fake dick
with three layers
of fail-safes.
They'll never know
the difference.
[ Sobs ]
Shh, Morty.
We're gonna make your dick
so fake, buddy.
♪♪
The signal! Sir, the Knights
of the Sun are once more.
Hold fire.
If this return to the Old Ways
is true,
I'd be willing to return home
and put an end to the bloodshed.
[ Group cheering ]
♪♪
♪♪
Sir? Shall we hold off on the
antimatter hydrogen bombing?
[ Chuckles ] Those crusty
knights won't do the Sun
much good without their --
Hoo!
Let's hear them out.
[ Crowd cheering ]
I, Lithdor, son of Thrifdor,
personally oversee
the stumping
of thy king's stem.
If his stem burns true,
peace will be restored
between the spheres.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yay!
Present the Shears of Stumping!
-Morty the Brave!
-You got this, my king!
♪♪
First things first.
Step through this machine
which checks for
nanotechnological
hologram dicks.
What?!
War opened our eyes to
the wonders of new technologies.
Please, step through,
my liege.
♪♪
[ Machine beeps ]
Whew!
Sorry, my lord,
but we're gonna need you
to step through
this second machine,
which checks
for emergency clone dicks.
Oh, wow, you guys
really embraced
a lot of specific
new tech, huh?
Whoa, a sunspot!
What? Where?
[ Crowd gasping ]
Boy, is -- is that a
third detector I see, as well?
You'll find out after
the second one.
We don't like
to reveal them
until the previous detecting
threshold has been crossed.
Right.
The third detector is going
to scan for a prosthetic dick.
Oh. Ha ha. Good.
Okay, well, go on through,
and, of course, by "prosthetic"
we mean witchcraft dick.
-Shit.
-I sense one.
The bones say
he's still packin'.
[ Crowd gasps ]
Ha ha, can't get nothin'
past the chicken bone lady.
J-Just testing her.
Stump. Thy. Stem.
Rick: [ Thinking ] Morty?
Morty, don't answer out loud.
Can you hear me? It's Rick. I'm
talking to you with my mind.
Yeah, I can hear you.
You said that out loud.
Don't speak.
Sorry.
[ Thinking ] Sorry.
I uplinked a telepathic
nano satellite
so we could hear
each other's thoughts.
Carefully do everything
I tell you
in the exact order
I tell you to do it.
Okay.
Grab the scissors.
Okay.
Got the scissors.
Now...run!
Oh, shit, shit!
Guards, seize them!
Morty: [ Thinking ] Run? You
couldn't have just said that?!
You don't have to use
telepathy anymore.
You can just ask your
rhetorical questions out loud.
I don't understand, Rick.
Here's something that's easy
to understand, buddy --
I'm proud of you for trying
to solve your own shit.
Ugh, I didn't want
to have to do this.
It's okay this time.
We don't have any choice.
I love you, Rick.
Love you, too, buddy.
♪♪
Both: Whoooooaaa!
Fairenheat: And that's when
King Morty and Rick
were left with no choice
but to leap into the Sun.
Such shame he felt for what
he'd done to our society,
sacrificing his dick
wasn't enough --
He gave his entire body
and wizard servant, as well.
And after a while,
their sun-proof bones
floated up to the top.
We even checked with
a royal ladle
to ensure it was real sun,
not just them hiding beneath
in a vat of fake sun.
Such a violent death.
And finally when our grief
could bear no more,
we decided to abolish our
medieval act of stem stumping.
And we have
King Morty the Molten
to thank for that.
Both: Morty the Molten!
King Morty the Molten!
See, Morty?
Worked like a charm.
Aren't we risking it
all coming back here?
Morty, we had to know.
Plus the heat --
It's good for my joints.
-King Mortaniel?!
You're alive?!
Yeah, go tell everybody.
Your reward's gonna be
cutting off your own dick.
Right.
Point taken.
R.I.P. and cheerio.
Whew!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
One crispy,
one wriggling.
Coming right up.
Three loozums.
How 'bout ten years?
In jail.
Huh?
Special Agent Mongo Bongo.
You're under arrest for
illegal hot dog trafficking.
[ Panting ]
Oh!
♪♪
[ Hot dogs crying ]
♪♪
[ Hot dogs crying ]
Be free, my little babies.
Ahh!
Huh.
Surprised they actually made it.
Kinda thought maybe some birds
would swoop down --
Aaahhhhh! Aah!
I jinxed it. Aah!
Did you get any of that?
♪♪