Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 10 - Ricktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation - full transcript
♪♪
[Family cheering, Rick laughing]
Wait, what's that?
Do I hear something
coming down the chimney?
[Energy buzzes]
Rick Santa-chez here with
gifts from across the multiverse!
Oh, my God! Yes!
For Jerry, an
extra dimensional version
of "Miracle on 34th Street."
[Gasps] Two hours longer!
They fixed my
only problem with it!
For Beth, a framed photo of
the two of us from a universe
where she wasn't
murdered as a child.
Oh, my God. Dad.
And for Space Beth, the
same thing because we...
We don't know which
one of you is real.
I am also touched.
Summer, c-check your Venmo.
Ah! Money? How did you know?
You're 17.
And last but not least,
for my number one number two.
Morty you asked for
this a long, long time ago
and I finally went far,
far away enough to get it
since shipping
would have killed me.
You didn't! No fucking way.
Family: No fucking way.
Does it make the noises?
Of course it "makes the
noises." That's like half the fun.
Ha ha! Awesome!
Whoa, do not turn
that on! Don't worry.
Morty's only gonna use
this very honorable weapon
in designated Jedi zones...
Like the garage right now!
Ah! Ohhhh!
[Energy buzzes]
Holy crap!
I hate to say it, but I wish
there was something to attack.
Yeah, it's too bad nobody
bought a cart of fruit!
You beautiful son of a bitch!
Grapefruit! Mango!
Papaya! Watermelon! [Laughing]
A second papaya!
Another watermelon!
Strike me down. What?
Strike me down! I'm
not striking you down.
Strike me down, Morty!
I-I'll become a pile of
clothes like that old guy!
But you'll die. You're drunk.
Here, I'll... I'll do it myself.
No!
Ha ha, wow, you did
it! Just like Obi-Wan.
Rick? Y-You can come out now.
I'm serious.
Did you, like,
become your clothes?
Are you T-shirt Rick now?
Psst. Over here, buttfart.
Hoo, that was awesome! Right?!
Rick, you know, y-y-you've been
so great the last couple months.
The family's so happy.
I'm... I'm really grateful.
Aw, thanks, kid, but less
talk, more melon slinging!
Heads up! Whoops!
Oh shit, shit, shit.
Open it, Rick! Let me do it!
Get up. Get...
Fucking move! Hurry!
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You dropped it
perfectly vertical, Morty!
P-Perfectly fucking vertical!
I got it, I got it! Aww!
Ah, shoot.
Shit.
Elevator! Elevator!
We gotta get ahead of it!
L-Level 10? No, no, no! 15!
[Bell dinging]
[Dings]
Wait, we live over
a cool sushi spot?
[Speaks Japanese]
Domo, domo. Not now, though.
Okay, we overshot it.
Good problem to have.
Still doing the eel roll?
I told you we
should've gone to 10!
No, Morty, not 10!
Rick: Morty, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Morty: Let me out.
What the fuck?
Rick?!
You dumb fucking
robot. You had one job!
Hey, that job was to
be a good grandpa,
I-I go where the kid goes.
Don't touch me!
How long have I... You
said you weren't a robot!
It killed me to
lie to you, Morty.
But it would have literally
killed me not to lie to you.
Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!
Don't overreact, Morty.
I-I replaced myself
towards the beginning
of that whole Knights
of the Sun thing.
I-I'm no good to anybody
until I resolve this
archnemesis crap.
You're still hunting the
guy who killed your wife?
You don't have
to rub it in, Morty.
T-That's why I removed myself.
I've become the thing I hate.
I-It's like a Netflix
drama down here,
and I don't mean an
accidentally good one,
I mean a regular-ass
Netflix drama.
I did you a favor.
Y-You gave him a fuckin'
lightsaber for Christmas?!
It's almost like
someone designed me
to be 22% more
thoughtful than you.
All right, that's it, I'm
shutting you down.
Don't you dare.
Y-You've done enough.
The whole family, Rick.
Everybody loves... this thing.
Oh, good. By the
way, your lightsaber's
probably run out of
sub-basement by now, so, congrats.
Unbelievable.
I can't believe you
tricked us into loving you!
Not because I like it.
It's because it's my job.
But thank God I don't
have to do it anymore.
The fuck you
don't. It's Christmas!
Get up there and trick
everyone into loving you more!
Let's get our "Miracle" on.
Speaking of miracles...
What, bored of your toy already?
Just, uh, excited to
spend time with my family.
Y-You know me and Morty.
We're all about those streets.
Oh, would you look
at this! New York City!
Wow, who would have
thought it had so many streets?
And avenues too. Oh, gosh!
Hey, sir, sir. Have
you seen any miracles?
My little girl, she's sick and she needs
a miracle. [Helicopter blades whirring]
The presidential Black
Hawk is landing on the lawn.
I'll get rid of him.
You got something
to tell me, Morty?
Merry Christmas?
Who dropped a lightsaber
perfectly fucking vertical?
Oh, sh...
Guess what, numb nuts.
It's a mile deep
and still going.
You know what's in
the hilt of that thing?
Kyber crystals! Okay, nerd.
Whatever it is,
when it hits the core,
it's gonna cause
a chain reaction
that destroys the Earth!
I-It is?
Why are you still playing
with laser swords anyway?
You're 14!
You know all that Star
Wars shit is silly, right?
Lucas promised a
new trilogy for decades.
Then, when he delivered,
fans turned on him
and started giving any
knucklehead with nerd cred a shot
and churned out these
irredeemable cash grabs.
Half pretend to be
satisfied, half shit on it,
and in the end no one's happy.
Do you know why, Morty?
Because when
you start with a turd,
you end with a turd.
[Crying]
Why you crying? Where's Rick?
[Sobs]
He's busy. A-And I hate him.
And I lost my lightsaber,
and now it might destroy Earth
and you're unloading all
this Gen X hatred on me
for even wanting one, and
i-it's the worst Christmas ever!
Okay, M-Morty,
Morty, Morty, Morty.
I shouldn't have talked to
you like you're a UN official.
Let's get your
embarrassing-ass lightsaber back
so you can swing it around
instead of kissing girls.
Whoa, ho ho, you found
me... Found me... found me!
Computer voice: Security breach.
Rick: What the hell?
Unauthorized presence.
What the fuck Morty?!
This morning, a
real-life version
of George Lucas's
trademarked lightsaber
was dropped point down and
is whomp-whomping its way
to the core of the Earth,
where it will blow us all up.
Touch my shit and die.
That's not a threat from me,
that's how advanced my shit is.
Impressive lair, Sanchez.
Got about 600,000 permits?
If I wanted the government
in my house, I'd buy an Alexa.
I invited him in, Rick.
Yeah, well, they can
leave. I'll destroy it.
We're gonna retrieve it.
Well, that's stupid.
What kind of
grandfather are you?
It's Christmas, for God's sake,
and you look like Phil Spector
wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.
If you're gonna help,
help. Otherwise step aside.
[Inhales sharply]
Merry Christmas to me.
Merry Christmas to me! To me!
Anyhoo, I'm no expert
but it seems we've got a...
A certain amount of time
to build a big drill ship.
A big drill ship?
That's some pretty loud
stepping aside you're doing.
Just let me destroy the thing!
You've destroyed enough!
All: Ooooh!
Aah!
Oh, I see someone found
my "told you so" dispenser.
Oh, my God, look
at all these streets!
We got 34th Street! [
Stammering] 35th Street!
Oh, 36th Street coming too!
Oh, it's a miracle! We
got miracles on 37th Street!
38th! And don't even get
me started on the avenues!
I can't believe they cut this!
Mm-hmm.
Dad, you've been
so great lately.
I'm almost afraid it's not real.
You're not a robot, are you?
Ha! Put it this way, honey...
If I am, I-I'm a robot
programmed to love
you very, very much.
All: Aww!
Will this drill down fast enough
to get under the lightsaber?
Yep, it will be under
the lightsaber in one hour
because the...
Wait, it's lower now.
Oh, right, it's moving.
You fucking idiot.
Get out of here!
Good luck finding a good
scientist on Christmas!
[Sighs] I'm President
of the United Assholes.
[Whistling tune]
All right, genius, I
give you permission
to make our drill ship faster.
I'm not touching that thing.
I'll get neurotypical cooties.
I have son-in-laws
more imaginative.
All right, j-just
destroy the lightsaber!
Thought you'd never ask.
Not true. I knew you'd ask.
What is that?
A second lightsaber
with an A.I.-controlled
gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.
You had a lightsaber?!
Oh, did you want one?
What a terrible gift
that would have made.
Vertisaber, state
your prime directive.
To stay vertical. Then
show 'em how it's done.
Affirmative.
Whoo! America! Yeah! Oh, yeah.
Maintain verticality,
Vertisaber.
Affirmative.
All right, looking
good. Stay on target.
Uh-huh.
Progress report.
Vertisaber, do you copy?
Do I have to respond every time?
Excuse me?
I'm designed to
stay perfectly vertical,
not to give
constant affirmation.
You do your job, I'll do mine.
I control you!
Okay, I'll just turn off my
brain and you can do that.
Byyye!
Fucking kidding me? Shit!
Trajectory's drifting, sir.
Where is it coming out?
Looks like Italy, sir.
[Energy buzzes]
Okay, t-that
could've been worse.
Aah!
[People screaming]
Well, uh, that is
definitely not a more.
Way to show us
how it's done, Rick.
Whatever.
Italian prime
minister on line one.
Put him on hold. We
can pin this on the Saudis.
This is something they'd do.
They may as well have
done it. They did do it.
Oh, there's another miracle
at the end of the intersection
of 401st Boulevard
and 7,000th Street!
That's a miracle
per block so far.
Okay, even I am
nearing my limit.
Let's play a Christmas game!
Oh. Uh, um...
have you guys ever
played "Are You a Robot?"
Each person here has to decide
whether or not
t-they're a robot.
Ohh, I'm gonna play
that. Yes, yes, yes.
But don't say it out loud.
Because if you're a robot,
you're not allowed to say you are.
T-T-That's the rule.
That's the horrible, painful
thing about being a robot.
But you do have to answer
everyone's questions.
And it's their jobs to
decide whether you are
or aren't a robot, because...
Because if you are
a robot you can't say!
You're not allowed
to say at all.
I'll go first! Uh, question.
Oh! Ahh, are you a robot?
Can I just ask that? You can!
But don't forget that
if I am, I have to lie
even though I don't want to.
More questions?
Can you feel things?
Oh, fuck yes! Yes!
T-That's the problem!
If I'm a robot, which I'm not...
Don't forget I
have to say that...
But yes, yes, I feel so much.
I'm filled with love
for certain people,
but also filled with shame
if I'm programmed
to deceive them,
but that's a big if.
What's your skeleton
made of? Titanium!
[Gasps] You're...
You're a robot!
Yes! No!
But that's what a
robot would say!
So, you get the idea.
Whoo! Suck it, bitches!
This is fun!
I've always been afraid
to let my guard down
and just have stupid
family fun like this,
but Grandpa Rick is making
me learn to be vulnerable!
Right on! Me too!
Ohh! Mm!
[Alarm blaring]
All right, your
derivative drill ship
is now faster than a lightsaber.
Morty, y-you want front or back?
Who says the two
of us are going?
Y-You didn't even want to...
Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye!
Good luck. Don't
blow up my planet.
You act like you're the one
that got stabbed in the back!
Because I am the one, Morty.
You want to know
why I replaced myself
in the beginning of that stupid
Knights of the Sun thing?
I said don't take
the fucking sword,
and you were like "whatever,"
like I'm our neighbor Gene or
David Arquette or something.
You called me boring.
I've become dog shit to you.
That's what happens
when you let people in
and they stop respecting you.
They touch your shit,
they screw things up,
they kill your fucking family.
Go ahead. Trust him.
You're gonna learn
the same fucking thing.
[Elevator doors open]
I... am not going to
kill your family, Morty.
That means a lot.
In case this goes south,
any last words, Morty?
I've never been old enough
to vote, Mr. President,
but when I am,
I'll vote for you.
Thanks, Morty.
Every vote counts.
If you want, I can have
them legally change your age.
Uh, no, I-I'm not in any
hurry to get into that shit show.
Man: Approaching the lightsaber
in T-minus... oh, shit, now.
T-minus now! Sorry!
I missed countdown
day at the academy.
Now or never, Morty!
♪♪
There it is!
Reverse the jets!
I got this!
Ugh!
No... I do!
Morty, you magnificent
little bastard!
Let's get this thing topside.
[All cheering]
May the force be with... me!
I think you mean with me.
What? You hate Star Wars.
I was your age when
this shit was in theaters.
This franchise raised me,
trained me, taught
me good from evil,
made having a bad
father empowering.
And when that third
movie got all... muppety,
something in me began to rot.
But make no mistake, child,
I own Star Wars, not you.
Not that bubble-throat
pompadour fuck,
not some Mickey
Mouse shit machine.
They didn't pay the
price with their souls.
I did! I earned this, not you!
America, transform and roll out!
Bastard!
Rick, I would be honored
if you would carve
the ham this year.
Whoa. Dad. That's...
Unheard of? You're
quite right, Summer.
It's my way of saying I
see your mom's father
as my father too.
Ohh, Jerry, w-w-why
don't you cut it?
Geez, Dad, what the
hell are you doing?
He's like adopting you into
his biological family, Grandpa.
Morty, I am sure
glad to see you.
Y-Y-You ready to tag
your old grandpa back in?
You're not my grandpa.
You're a fucking robot.
[Sighs] Finally.
♪ The first Noel ♪
♪ The angels did say ♪
♪ Was to certain
poor shepherds ♪
♪ In fields as they lay ♪
Okay, okay, okay.
Oop!
Aww!
Summer, do you have any drugs?
Are you serious? I guess not.
I'm just glad I'm not the
one that ruined Christmas.
People of Earth...
Hmm, that's never good.
I'm not here to play
the blame game
but Morty Smith got a
lightsaber for Christmas,
dropped it, and it's now heading
for the Earth's core again...
I-I mean for the first time.
Son of a bitch!
He played with it!
If it does reach the core,
it will blow all of you up.
I-I mean all of us up.
But don't abandon hope.
We're doing everything
we can to stop it,
and only if that fails
will we launch the
White House into space...
Welp, I'm busted.
Clearly in space already.
You did ruin Christmas.
Nunh-unh! He stole my
lightsaber and must've dropped it!
A-A second time!
Does that mean you
stopped it a first time?
How? A drill ship.
A drill ship? Awesome!
It was, but the government
took it with them.
Then we lean on the
only asshole smart enough
to make another one
in this tight a window
But Rick's gone.
And I'm not sure
he's ever coming back.
Then let's settle for
the next best thing.
Oh, fuck! Just let me die!
Turn me off... Not
that I can be turned off
because I'm
obviously not a robot!
[Beeping]
[Explosion]
[Machinery whirring]
[Beeping]
Fuck yeah! I got you.
Okay, I can... I
can work with that.
A a a ah!
What do you mean the White
House chef was grocery shopping?
Well, do you know
how to make an egg?
You do? Everyone does?
Good news, sir.
The lightsaber was
intercepted before it hit the core.
All right, here we go! Ha ha!
I don't suppose you
could send it up here.
Uh, who intercepted it, anyway?
That's the bad news.
That is bad news.
♪♪
Hey, Mister P. Drop something?
Morty! I see you and,
uh, Rick patched things up.
That's nice.
No, the real Rick and I
have never been worse
thanks to that wedge
you drove between us
just to get that lightsaber!
Yeah, well, looks
like you got it back.
Your journey is
complete. As a nerd!
You're the nerd!
You can't say
all that crazy shit
about Star Wars and
then act like you're cool!
Oh, really? Would a person who
wasn't cool have one of these?
I think so?
Slowly closing door! Slide!
Oh, no! I-I'm not gonna make it.
What a shame to be put
out of my misery again.
Aw, man.
♪♪
What the hell?
W-Was this always
part of the White House?
Carter built it with
his own two hands.
Reagan tried to destroy it.
George W. Added
kegs to the cant in a.
But only I saw its true value.
Mr. President, you
need to come home
and tell the people the truth.
The fuck I do.
Droids, get that saber!
Give it a minute.
Usually comes
out on the fourth try.
All right! Here we go!
Look at 'em... lightsaber hands!
Tell me that's
not cool. It's not!
I always wanted to fight with
a lightsaber, but not like this.
Y-You ruined it!
Disney ruined it!
You think I want 30 low-rent
TV series with bad CGI?
They film everything on
that one big green screen.
Like you've got better ideas.
I've got a million.
Here's one... a robot
with lightsabers for eyes!
♪♪
God damn it, he can't see!
It was a good idea otherwise.
Uh, admit it, you
were intimidated.
Uh, now, Morty...
♪♪
Come on, put down the
lightsaber Gatling gun.
We had our fun, right?
Star Wars rules say
you have to forgive me.
I-I'm done with that,
and I'm done with you!
Morty, nooo!
Rickbot!
He sacrificed his life for me.
Yeah, don't be too touched,
he's actively trying to die.
Ugh. I-It's okay.
It doesn't hurt.
Oh, God, t-they're
sliding, Morty!
T-They're sliding!
They're sliding!
♪ The first Noel ♪
♪ The angels ♪
Perfectly fucking vertical.
[Alarm blaring]
Ohh!
Ooh!
Save yourself, Morty!
Rick can build another me.
If... If I was a robot,
w-which I'm not.
I don't want another you.
Nooo!
Rick? You came to help!
Better tend to
your little toaster.
I... I'm [Coughing] I'm
coughing up oil, Morty.
Oh, Rickbot, I-I never
should've pushed you away.
Y-You were... you were so great.
Of course I'm great. I'm Rick.
[Coughs] Rick literally built
me to make you happy, Morty.
Anything I do is technically
something Rick did.
But maybe [Coughs] he can
do a little more him... himself.
God, how long
do you take to die?
Goodbye, Morty. Uh...
Ugh, Jesus.
Uh, Rick, uh...
I guess this is a bad time to
ask for a new White House?
Morty, would you mind
calling me an Uber?
Right, well, uh...
Merry Christmas. [
Chuckles nervously]
I guess I'll go
watch a guy scream
about streets with the family.
Also, you need to shower.
Hey, maybe the robot's right.
I-I should have
included you in my shit.
You can help me if you want.
Wow, are those all the
places Rick Prime could be?
I wish, Morty. It's
all the places he is.
Oh, geez.
Welcome to my darkness.
I spent my life
hunting this guy, Morty!
This is the closest I've ever
been to catching Rick Prime.
It's impossible!
He... He's an incredibly
crafty piece of shit.
Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!
But now we're gonna do
it together! You and me!
Oh! Uh... It's gonna
take over your life, Morty!
Rick and Morty, season
seven, hunting my nemesis!
Maybe trying to stay
healthy while doing it!
Juggling plates! And
not every episode, Morty!
It could be all happening in
the background! Who knows?
You know, n-no
one will, except us!
I-It's the most painful shit
I've ever had to deal with
and I'm fucking
bringing you into it
because you asked for it, Morty!
You and me, Morty!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Ooo-wee! What a season, huh?
Rick Prime! Therapy!
And that thing we did with
Roy. Remember thaaat?
[Grunts] Sorry I wasn't around,
been busy getting my
little poopybutt in shape.
Been tonin' and bonin'! Whew!
Y-You might think I'm over-
compensating for the emptiness
after Amy left with
Poopy Jr., but my trainer
Caaarl says the best
way to get over a girl
is to get under a
300-pound squat.
Damn right. Ha!
Oo-wee, that's the good stuff!
Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar!
Oh, is it... is it bad?
Oh! It's... It's
really bad, isn't it?
Oh, sug... oh!
Someone call Amy,
tell her I need her.
Tell her I love her!
Not my phone. She
blocked me. U-Use yours.
Oo-weee! I am broken!
Did you get any of that?
♪♪
[Family cheering, Rick laughing]
Wait, what's that?
Do I hear something
coming down the chimney?
[Energy buzzes]
Rick Santa-chez here with
gifts from across the multiverse!
Oh, my God! Yes!
For Jerry, an
extra dimensional version
of "Miracle on 34th Street."
[Gasps] Two hours longer!
They fixed my
only problem with it!
For Beth, a framed photo of
the two of us from a universe
where she wasn't
murdered as a child.
Oh, my God. Dad.
And for Space Beth, the
same thing because we...
We don't know which
one of you is real.
I am also touched.
Summer, c-check your Venmo.
Ah! Money? How did you know?
You're 17.
And last but not least,
for my number one number two.
Morty you asked for
this a long, long time ago
and I finally went far,
far away enough to get it
since shipping
would have killed me.
You didn't! No fucking way.
Family: No fucking way.
Does it make the noises?
Of course it "makes the
noises." That's like half the fun.
Ha ha! Awesome!
Whoa, do not turn
that on! Don't worry.
Morty's only gonna use
this very honorable weapon
in designated Jedi zones...
Like the garage right now!
Ah! Ohhhh!
[Energy buzzes]
Holy crap!
I hate to say it, but I wish
there was something to attack.
Yeah, it's too bad nobody
bought a cart of fruit!
You beautiful son of a bitch!
Grapefruit! Mango!
Papaya! Watermelon! [Laughing]
A second papaya!
Another watermelon!
Strike me down. What?
Strike me down! I'm
not striking you down.
Strike me down, Morty!
I-I'll become a pile of
clothes like that old guy!
But you'll die. You're drunk.
Here, I'll... I'll do it myself.
No!
Ha ha, wow, you did
it! Just like Obi-Wan.
Rick? Y-You can come out now.
I'm serious.
Did you, like,
become your clothes?
Are you T-shirt Rick now?
Psst. Over here, buttfart.
Hoo, that was awesome! Right?!
Rick, you know, y-y-you've been
so great the last couple months.
The family's so happy.
I'm... I'm really grateful.
Aw, thanks, kid, but less
talk, more melon slinging!
Heads up! Whoops!
Oh shit, shit, shit.
Open it, Rick! Let me do it!
Get up. Get...
Fucking move! Hurry!
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You dropped it
perfectly vertical, Morty!
P-Perfectly fucking vertical!
I got it, I got it! Aww!
Ah, shoot.
Shit.
Elevator! Elevator!
We gotta get ahead of it!
L-Level 10? No, no, no! 15!
[Bell dinging]
[Dings]
Wait, we live over
a cool sushi spot?
[Speaks Japanese]
Domo, domo. Not now, though.
Okay, we overshot it.
Good problem to have.
Still doing the eel roll?
I told you we
should've gone to 10!
No, Morty, not 10!
Rick: Morty, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Morty: Let me out.
What the fuck?
Rick?!
You dumb fucking
robot. You had one job!
Hey, that job was to
be a good grandpa,
I-I go where the kid goes.
Don't touch me!
How long have I... You
said you weren't a robot!
It killed me to
lie to you, Morty.
But it would have literally
killed me not to lie to you.
Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!
Don't overreact, Morty.
I-I replaced myself
towards the beginning
of that whole Knights
of the Sun thing.
I-I'm no good to anybody
until I resolve this
archnemesis crap.
You're still hunting the
guy who killed your wife?
You don't have
to rub it in, Morty.
T-That's why I removed myself.
I've become the thing I hate.
I-It's like a Netflix
drama down here,
and I don't mean an
accidentally good one,
I mean a regular-ass
Netflix drama.
I did you a favor.
Y-You gave him a fuckin'
lightsaber for Christmas?!
It's almost like
someone designed me
to be 22% more
thoughtful than you.
All right, that's it, I'm
shutting you down.
Don't you dare.
Y-You've done enough.
The whole family, Rick.
Everybody loves... this thing.
Oh, good. By the
way, your lightsaber's
probably run out of
sub-basement by now, so, congrats.
Unbelievable.
I can't believe you
tricked us into loving you!
Not because I like it.
It's because it's my job.
But thank God I don't
have to do it anymore.
The fuck you
don't. It's Christmas!
Get up there and trick
everyone into loving you more!
Let's get our "Miracle" on.
Speaking of miracles...
What, bored of your toy already?
Just, uh, excited to
spend time with my family.
Y-You know me and Morty.
We're all about those streets.
Oh, would you look
at this! New York City!
Wow, who would have
thought it had so many streets?
And avenues too. Oh, gosh!
Hey, sir, sir. Have
you seen any miracles?
My little girl, she's sick and she needs
a miracle. [Helicopter blades whirring]
The presidential Black
Hawk is landing on the lawn.
I'll get rid of him.
You got something
to tell me, Morty?
Merry Christmas?
Who dropped a lightsaber
perfectly fucking vertical?
Oh, sh...
Guess what, numb nuts.
It's a mile deep
and still going.
You know what's in
the hilt of that thing?
Kyber crystals! Okay, nerd.
Whatever it is,
when it hits the core,
it's gonna cause
a chain reaction
that destroys the Earth!
I-It is?
Why are you still playing
with laser swords anyway?
You're 14!
You know all that Star
Wars shit is silly, right?
Lucas promised a
new trilogy for decades.
Then, when he delivered,
fans turned on him
and started giving any
knucklehead with nerd cred a shot
and churned out these
irredeemable cash grabs.
Half pretend to be
satisfied, half shit on it,
and in the end no one's happy.
Do you know why, Morty?
Because when
you start with a turd,
you end with a turd.
[Crying]
Why you crying? Where's Rick?
[Sobs]
He's busy. A-And I hate him.
And I lost my lightsaber,
and now it might destroy Earth
and you're unloading all
this Gen X hatred on me
for even wanting one, and
i-it's the worst Christmas ever!
Okay, M-Morty,
Morty, Morty, Morty.
I shouldn't have talked to
you like you're a UN official.
Let's get your
embarrassing-ass lightsaber back
so you can swing it around
instead of kissing girls.
Whoa, ho ho, you found
me... Found me... found me!
Computer voice: Security breach.
Rick: What the hell?
Unauthorized presence.
What the fuck Morty?!
This morning, a
real-life version
of George Lucas's
trademarked lightsaber
was dropped point down and
is whomp-whomping its way
to the core of the Earth,
where it will blow us all up.
Touch my shit and die.
That's not a threat from me,
that's how advanced my shit is.
Impressive lair, Sanchez.
Got about 600,000 permits?
If I wanted the government
in my house, I'd buy an Alexa.
I invited him in, Rick.
Yeah, well, they can
leave. I'll destroy it.
We're gonna retrieve it.
Well, that's stupid.
What kind of
grandfather are you?
It's Christmas, for God's sake,
and you look like Phil Spector
wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.
If you're gonna help,
help. Otherwise step aside.
[Inhales sharply]
Merry Christmas to me.
Merry Christmas to me! To me!
Anyhoo, I'm no expert
but it seems we've got a...
A certain amount of time
to build a big drill ship.
A big drill ship?
That's some pretty loud
stepping aside you're doing.
Just let me destroy the thing!
You've destroyed enough!
All: Ooooh!
Aah!
Oh, I see someone found
my "told you so" dispenser.
Oh, my God, look
at all these streets!
We got 34th Street! [
Stammering] 35th Street!
Oh, 36th Street coming too!
Oh, it's a miracle! We
got miracles on 37th Street!
38th! And don't even get
me started on the avenues!
I can't believe they cut this!
Mm-hmm.
Dad, you've been
so great lately.
I'm almost afraid it's not real.
You're not a robot, are you?
Ha! Put it this way, honey...
If I am, I-I'm a robot
programmed to love
you very, very much.
All: Aww!
Will this drill down fast enough
to get under the lightsaber?
Yep, it will be under
the lightsaber in one hour
because the...
Wait, it's lower now.
Oh, right, it's moving.
You fucking idiot.
Get out of here!
Good luck finding a good
scientist on Christmas!
[Sighs] I'm President
of the United Assholes.
[Whistling tune]
All right, genius, I
give you permission
to make our drill ship faster.
I'm not touching that thing.
I'll get neurotypical cooties.
I have son-in-laws
more imaginative.
All right, j-just
destroy the lightsaber!
Thought you'd never ask.
Not true. I knew you'd ask.
What is that?
A second lightsaber
with an A.I.-controlled
gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.
You had a lightsaber?!
Oh, did you want one?
What a terrible gift
that would have made.
Vertisaber, state
your prime directive.
To stay vertical. Then
show 'em how it's done.
Affirmative.
Whoo! America! Yeah! Oh, yeah.
Maintain verticality,
Vertisaber.
Affirmative.
All right, looking
good. Stay on target.
Uh-huh.
Progress report.
Vertisaber, do you copy?
Do I have to respond every time?
Excuse me?
I'm designed to
stay perfectly vertical,
not to give
constant affirmation.
You do your job, I'll do mine.
I control you!
Okay, I'll just turn off my
brain and you can do that.
Byyye!
Fucking kidding me? Shit!
Trajectory's drifting, sir.
Where is it coming out?
Looks like Italy, sir.
[Energy buzzes]
Okay, t-that
could've been worse.
Aah!
[People screaming]
Well, uh, that is
definitely not a more.
Way to show us
how it's done, Rick.
Whatever.
Italian prime
minister on line one.
Put him on hold. We
can pin this on the Saudis.
This is something they'd do.
They may as well have
done it. They did do it.
Oh, there's another miracle
at the end of the intersection
of 401st Boulevard
and 7,000th Street!
That's a miracle
per block so far.
Okay, even I am
nearing my limit.
Let's play a Christmas game!
Oh. Uh, um...
have you guys ever
played "Are You a Robot?"
Each person here has to decide
whether or not
t-they're a robot.
Ohh, I'm gonna play
that. Yes, yes, yes.
But don't say it out loud.
Because if you're a robot,
you're not allowed to say you are.
T-T-That's the rule.
That's the horrible, painful
thing about being a robot.
But you do have to answer
everyone's questions.
And it's their jobs to
decide whether you are
or aren't a robot, because...
Because if you are
a robot you can't say!
You're not allowed
to say at all.
I'll go first! Uh, question.
Oh! Ahh, are you a robot?
Can I just ask that? You can!
But don't forget that
if I am, I have to lie
even though I don't want to.
More questions?
Can you feel things?
Oh, fuck yes! Yes!
T-That's the problem!
If I'm a robot, which I'm not...
Don't forget I
have to say that...
But yes, yes, I feel so much.
I'm filled with love
for certain people,
but also filled with shame
if I'm programmed
to deceive them,
but that's a big if.
What's your skeleton
made of? Titanium!
[Gasps] You're...
You're a robot!
Yes! No!
But that's what a
robot would say!
So, you get the idea.
Whoo! Suck it, bitches!
This is fun!
I've always been afraid
to let my guard down
and just have stupid
family fun like this,
but Grandpa Rick is making
me learn to be vulnerable!
Right on! Me too!
Ohh! Mm!
[Alarm blaring]
All right, your
derivative drill ship
is now faster than a lightsaber.
Morty, y-you want front or back?
Who says the two
of us are going?
Y-You didn't even want to...
Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye!
Good luck. Don't
blow up my planet.
You act like you're the one
that got stabbed in the back!
Because I am the one, Morty.
You want to know
why I replaced myself
in the beginning of that stupid
Knights of the Sun thing?
I said don't take
the fucking sword,
and you were like "whatever,"
like I'm our neighbor Gene or
David Arquette or something.
You called me boring.
I've become dog shit to you.
That's what happens
when you let people in
and they stop respecting you.
They touch your shit,
they screw things up,
they kill your fucking family.
Go ahead. Trust him.
You're gonna learn
the same fucking thing.
[Elevator doors open]
I... am not going to
kill your family, Morty.
That means a lot.
In case this goes south,
any last words, Morty?
I've never been old enough
to vote, Mr. President,
but when I am,
I'll vote for you.
Thanks, Morty.
Every vote counts.
If you want, I can have
them legally change your age.
Uh, no, I-I'm not in any
hurry to get into that shit show.
Man: Approaching the lightsaber
in T-minus... oh, shit, now.
T-minus now! Sorry!
I missed countdown
day at the academy.
Now or never, Morty!
♪♪
There it is!
Reverse the jets!
I got this!
Ugh!
No... I do!
Morty, you magnificent
little bastard!
Let's get this thing topside.
[All cheering]
May the force be with... me!
I think you mean with me.
What? You hate Star Wars.
I was your age when
this shit was in theaters.
This franchise raised me,
trained me, taught
me good from evil,
made having a bad
father empowering.
And when that third
movie got all... muppety,
something in me began to rot.
But make no mistake, child,
I own Star Wars, not you.
Not that bubble-throat
pompadour fuck,
not some Mickey
Mouse shit machine.
They didn't pay the
price with their souls.
I did! I earned this, not you!
America, transform and roll out!
Bastard!
Rick, I would be honored
if you would carve
the ham this year.
Whoa. Dad. That's...
Unheard of? You're
quite right, Summer.
It's my way of saying I
see your mom's father
as my father too.
Ohh, Jerry, w-w-why
don't you cut it?
Geez, Dad, what the
hell are you doing?
He's like adopting you into
his biological family, Grandpa.
Morty, I am sure
glad to see you.
Y-Y-You ready to tag
your old grandpa back in?
You're not my grandpa.
You're a fucking robot.
[Sighs] Finally.
♪ The first Noel ♪
♪ The angels did say ♪
♪ Was to certain
poor shepherds ♪
♪ In fields as they lay ♪
Okay, okay, okay.
Oop!
Aww!
Summer, do you have any drugs?
Are you serious? I guess not.
I'm just glad I'm not the
one that ruined Christmas.
People of Earth...
Hmm, that's never good.
I'm not here to play
the blame game
but Morty Smith got a
lightsaber for Christmas,
dropped it, and it's now heading
for the Earth's core again...
I-I mean for the first time.
Son of a bitch!
He played with it!
If it does reach the core,
it will blow all of you up.
I-I mean all of us up.
But don't abandon hope.
We're doing everything
we can to stop it,
and only if that fails
will we launch the
White House into space...
Welp, I'm busted.
Clearly in space already.
You did ruin Christmas.
Nunh-unh! He stole my
lightsaber and must've dropped it!
A-A second time!
Does that mean you
stopped it a first time?
How? A drill ship.
A drill ship? Awesome!
It was, but the government
took it with them.
Then we lean on the
only asshole smart enough
to make another one
in this tight a window
But Rick's gone.
And I'm not sure
he's ever coming back.
Then let's settle for
the next best thing.
Oh, fuck! Just let me die!
Turn me off... Not
that I can be turned off
because I'm
obviously not a robot!
[Beeping]
[Explosion]
[Machinery whirring]
[Beeping]
Fuck yeah! I got you.
Okay, I can... I
can work with that.
A a a ah!
What do you mean the White
House chef was grocery shopping?
Well, do you know
how to make an egg?
You do? Everyone does?
Good news, sir.
The lightsaber was
intercepted before it hit the core.
All right, here we go! Ha ha!
I don't suppose you
could send it up here.
Uh, who intercepted it, anyway?
That's the bad news.
That is bad news.
♪♪
Hey, Mister P. Drop something?
Morty! I see you and,
uh, Rick patched things up.
That's nice.
No, the real Rick and I
have never been worse
thanks to that wedge
you drove between us
just to get that lightsaber!
Yeah, well, looks
like you got it back.
Your journey is
complete. As a nerd!
You're the nerd!
You can't say
all that crazy shit
about Star Wars and
then act like you're cool!
Oh, really? Would a person who
wasn't cool have one of these?
I think so?
Slowly closing door! Slide!
Oh, no! I-I'm not gonna make it.
What a shame to be put
out of my misery again.
Aw, man.
♪♪
What the hell?
W-Was this always
part of the White House?
Carter built it with
his own two hands.
Reagan tried to destroy it.
George W. Added
kegs to the cant in a.
But only I saw its true value.
Mr. President, you
need to come home
and tell the people the truth.
The fuck I do.
Droids, get that saber!
Give it a minute.
Usually comes
out on the fourth try.
All right! Here we go!
Look at 'em... lightsaber hands!
Tell me that's
not cool. It's not!
I always wanted to fight with
a lightsaber, but not like this.
Y-You ruined it!
Disney ruined it!
You think I want 30 low-rent
TV series with bad CGI?
They film everything on
that one big green screen.
Like you've got better ideas.
I've got a million.
Here's one... a robot
with lightsabers for eyes!
♪♪
God damn it, he can't see!
It was a good idea otherwise.
Uh, admit it, you
were intimidated.
Uh, now, Morty...
♪♪
Come on, put down the
lightsaber Gatling gun.
We had our fun, right?
Star Wars rules say
you have to forgive me.
I-I'm done with that,
and I'm done with you!
Morty, nooo!
Rickbot!
He sacrificed his life for me.
Yeah, don't be too touched,
he's actively trying to die.
Ugh. I-It's okay.
It doesn't hurt.
Oh, God, t-they're
sliding, Morty!
T-They're sliding!
They're sliding!
♪ The first Noel ♪
♪ The angels ♪
Perfectly fucking vertical.
[Alarm blaring]
Ohh!
Ooh!
Save yourself, Morty!
Rick can build another me.
If... If I was a robot,
w-which I'm not.
I don't want another you.
Nooo!
Rick? You came to help!
Better tend to
your little toaster.
I... I'm [Coughing] I'm
coughing up oil, Morty.
Oh, Rickbot, I-I never
should've pushed you away.
Y-You were... you were so great.
Of course I'm great. I'm Rick.
[Coughs] Rick literally built
me to make you happy, Morty.
Anything I do is technically
something Rick did.
But maybe [Coughs] he can
do a little more him... himself.
God, how long
do you take to die?
Goodbye, Morty. Uh...
Ugh, Jesus.
Uh, Rick, uh...
I guess this is a bad time to
ask for a new White House?
Morty, would you mind
calling me an Uber?
Right, well, uh...
Merry Christmas. [
Chuckles nervously]
I guess I'll go
watch a guy scream
about streets with the family.
Also, you need to shower.
Hey, maybe the robot's right.
I-I should have
included you in my shit.
You can help me if you want.
Wow, are those all the
places Rick Prime could be?
I wish, Morty. It's
all the places he is.
Oh, geez.
Welcome to my darkness.
I spent my life
hunting this guy, Morty!
This is the closest I've ever
been to catching Rick Prime.
It's impossible!
He... He's an incredibly
crafty piece of shit.
Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!
But now we're gonna do
it together! You and me!
Oh! Uh... It's gonna
take over your life, Morty!
Rick and Morty, season
seven, hunting my nemesis!
Maybe trying to stay
healthy while doing it!
Juggling plates! And
not every episode, Morty!
It could be all happening in
the background! Who knows?
You know, n-no
one will, except us!
I-It's the most painful shit
I've ever had to deal with
and I'm fucking
bringing you into it
because you asked for it, Morty!
You and me, Morty!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Ooo-wee! What a season, huh?
Rick Prime! Therapy!
And that thing we did with
Roy. Remember thaaat?
[Grunts] Sorry I wasn't around,
been busy getting my
little poopybutt in shape.
Been tonin' and bonin'! Whew!
Y-You might think I'm over-
compensating for the emptiness
after Amy left with
Poopy Jr., but my trainer
Caaarl says the best
way to get over a girl
is to get under a
300-pound squat.
Damn right. Ha!
Oo-wee, that's the good stuff!
Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar! Oh, sugar!
Oh, is it... is it bad?
Oh! It's... It's
really bad, isn't it?
Oh, sug... oh!
Someone call Amy,
tell her I need her.
Tell her I love her!
Not my phone. She
blocked me. U-Use yours.
Oo-weee! I am broken!
Did you get any of that?
♪♪