Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Rest and Ricklaxation - full transcript

So, Jessica,
I heard you broke up with Brad.

Who are you gonna date
now that you can date anyone?

I don't know.

I mean, obviously if someone
special comes along...

B-But I mean
really special, like,

nothing I've even remotely
considered in the past.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. I want that
kind of love like that docking kind of love.

Oh, yeah. Like, penis in the
foreskin kind of love...

Mm-hmm... just, like,
warm, just like...

He...

Everybody fuck off.



Morty, I need your help.

W-W-W-We... We need to go
on a quick adventure.

You said
I could go to school today.

That was before
I needed something, Morty.

There's a plasma shard
in the Abadango Cluster.

A princess has it.
If I get it, I'll be awesome.

We've been going non-stop, Rick.
It's not healthy.

You know,
these are my teenage years.

I-I just found out
Jessica's single.

Oh, that's... Wow, Morty. Wow.
What an exciting life you lead.

Let's go. In and out,
20 minutes adventure.

They're on our tail!

Steady, Morty.
Five cetons.

Steady, God damn it!
Two cetons.



Wha!

Fire!

Pull up, Morty, pull up!
Pull up!

Fuck

Oh, FUCK!

Fuck

Ahh! Ahh!

I can't fucking do this anymore!

That was seriously fucked up.
We almost died.

So you agree? Fuck yes!
That w... T-This was insane!

That was pure luck.

I was not in control
of that situation at all.

Look at this, Morty.
Look at my fucking hand.

Look at this shit. Why do
you keep doing this to us?!

I don't know, Morty.

Maybe I hate myself,
maybe I think I deserve to die.

I-I-I-I don't...
I don't know!

We need a vacation.

Isn't that something?
You were right...

Best day spa in the galaxy.

It's not even cruel, either.

These things are just doing what
they do in the wild...

It loves swallowing
stressed-out creatures

for 20 minutes
and then puking them up.

My whole body's
like a baby's ass.

Complimentary
psychological detox?

Removes
all your cognitive toxins,

purifies your system.

Oof, this guy on commission
or something?

I don't think...
Are you on commission?

We're not on commission.

We get paid by the hour.

There's no incentive really...

Oh, my God.
Okay, listen...

W-W-W-We'll try
the machine,

but... but I'd like you
to try something.

Try swallowing
the giant ball of snot

that's dangling around
in the back of your throat.

It's disgusting.

Nobody wants to hear that.

That's what you do. Okay,
Rick, come on. Enough.

Man, did you hear me bite
that guy's head off?

Geez, I really need to chill.

Maybe you should go through
twice.

All right, mister comedy man, you don't have
to bust my balls. You're not helping things.

Rick, is this thing
supposed to be making this...

Morty!

- Ri-Rick...
- Morty!

What happened?

We blew up, idiot!
Are you really that stupid?

Obviously the guy I yelled at
overloaded the machine.

It takes more than that to kill
Rick and Morty, motherfucker!

But this might do it.

Run, Morty!
E-Everything hurts!

That's because you're worthless!

Jesus,
how big was this explosion?

I'm a genius. I don't have time
for this shit.

W-W-We're in Hell,
aren't we, Rick?

- You're so stupid, Morty.
- You're an idiot.

There's no such thing as Hell.

I believe you,
but I just want to die.

You can die when I say so.
I control you.

I control the universe!
Why am I bragging about that?

I have nothing to prove.

I'm surrounded by inferior
pieces of shit and...

Toxins.

We're not in Hell, Morty.
We're in the detoxifier.

The machine didn't blow up.
It worked normally.

It removed our toxins.

We're the toxins.

Are you listening,

you stupid little
garbage person?!

We're what got removed!!

I hope you both found that detox
sufficiently relaxing.

Hey, man, listen... Those comments
I made about your throat?

It's all good.

It's nice of you
to let me off the hook.

It's still unacceptable
behavior, and I do regret it.

Believe me, man, I've been
working here a long time.

I get it.

Hey, uh, you mind
if I put on some music?

Not at all.

* Grab my terrifolds

What is that?
I just hit shuffle.

Are you kidding?

- This universe.
- Oh, excuse me.

We should listen to one random
song a day, you know?

We'd end up hearing
more songs we didn't like,

but we'd discover
a lot more that we did.

That is an interesting concept.

You know, it makes me wonder

if there's
an algorithmic expression

that could achieve
the ideal ratio.

Listen to me...

Trying to calculate
happiness over here.

Hoo, if anyone could, Rick.

Hey, here's something
no science could measure...

I'm real proud
to be your grandpa, Morty.

Thanks, Rick.
I love you.

Yeah, motherfucker!
Yeah! Get it! Get some!

Right up your fucking bitch ass,
you fuck!

Guess who just discovered
a new element?!

You think you could do that,
Morty?

You think anyone but me could do
that ever in a billion years?

Do you think if God existed
he could do it?

The answer is no.

If God exists, it's fucking me.

Yes, Rick.
I-I agree, Rick.

While you were flapping
your parasitic turd holster,

I discovered the toxic equivalent
of electricity, Morty.

What do you think about that?

Uh... I th... I think my voice
is annoying.

It is,
and it's your best quality.

So true.

Now, who can tell me
the common denominator

of these two factions?

You don't know
or y'all just bored?

Hey, listen, you know, wha...
If we're all bored over here,

wouldn't the common denominator
be you?

Damn, Morty.
That's hilarious.

Normally I would come down
on any kind of disruption,

but it seems to represent
a positive change

for your character.

Class dismissed!

- Awesome, Morty!
- You done good, Morty.

Oh, yeah!

Thanks for the advice, Morty.
You got it.

I did it, Morty!
I knew you could.

Hey, Morty, remember yesterday

when I couldn't
play the trombone?

Well, check this out!

Just like I told you, Mitch...

The music was in your heart
the whole time.

Stupid hat... Wish I had
the courage to just be myself.

There you are.

You might have
all these idiots fooled,

but I know you're still
the same pathetic loser

hiding behind
a confident facade.

I know that because...

I'm doing the same thing,
brother.

I'm not alone anymore!

Hey, Morty. Word around school
is you've become super healthy.

I don't know about all that.

I do, however, know that I have
a pretty bad case of

haven't taken you
to dinner-itis.

Might be fatal.

Hey, kids.
Uh, hope I'm not interrupting.

Morty, a moment of your time?

Happy to help, Rick.

I hate to bug you with this,

but after our morning hike
I started receiving very faint,

highly unusual transmissions
on my sub ether phone.

Listen.

It's a bad phone.
Chuck it.

I downgraded to a clamshell
for emergencies only.

You know, if... if... if
something's worth saying,

I-it's worth eye contact.

Uh, I-I-I traced
the source of the call

back to the spa we went to,
Morty.

I thought I could hear
a voice in there,

so I enhanced it,
a-and listen.

Hey, asshole!
Oh, man!

Remember us?
Oh, I don't like confrontation!

You fucked us,
you pieces of garbage!

That's right,
you're fucking garbage, not us.

I'm a fucking genius and a god.

You really think
this thing can hold me?

I'm gonna rip your throat...

Morty, what if the toxic parts
of us have their own identities,

their own will to live?

W-What if mine shares
my intelligence

and devised a way
to reach out to us?

Sounds like
he's in a lot of pain.

Lot. O. Pain.

But, you know, you shouldn't
have to deal with that, man.

You know,
l-let's work off your trauma

with some urban spin yoga.

It's amazing.
You do yoga on a bike,

but you have
an at-risk preteen...

I don't think I can
just blow this off, Morty.

If I had known it worked this
way, I wouldn't have detoxed.

Well, I would have
because I was toxic.

Now I'm detoxed and I'm
accountable to my toxins, right?

I-It's a dilemma.
I think I know what to do.

Morty!
Rick!

You know, the only problem here
is a big fat brain

that misses eating
all them big fat problems.

Focus on the good thing.
Trust me, things are good.

Taking that away from me...

that wouldn't be healthy.

Oh, man. World's Greatest
Grandpa, for reals.

It's not just a coffee cup
for you, bud.

You're legit.

I love drums.
I never took drum lessons.

Why? Limitations. We are
addicted to our own limitations.

How amazing is that?

Is the kale prepared
in the kitchen?

I'll have a water.
Uh...

How is the...
"cru-dite?"

Crudité.
It's a cup of carrot sticks.

Ha! It's okay!
Pronounce it however you want.

Words are just things.
Please. Thank you.

We're having a conversation.

God, I am so excited
to finally have dinner with you.

You know how long
I've been waiting for this?

It's like, whew!

I-I-I wish you'd shut up,
though.

Just kidding. You know,
you're so quiet. What's wrong?

W-Why don't you tell me
about yourself?

What's the atmosphere like
on planet Jessica?

Where's the equator,
what are the vacations,

a-and the holidays?

I mean, you know,
are they the same time?

Talk to me. Well... I...
like this restaurant.

Holy shit! Holy shit!
We have a moron over here!

I'm an idiot.

I can't believe I haven't
thought of this.

You have to do
this detox thing I did.

It's an alien spa,
you go through it,

fwoos-s-s-ssh,

lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa...

sucks everything out.

Everything that was holding me
back, everything bad,

I mean, it just...

Right?

Cooooool.

Oh, my God!
I can't believe this.

Yeah, phones are awful,
I downgraded to...

I totally forgot my...

I have a... thing, and...

Things are good. You know what?
Why am I doing that?

That's more rude than the truth.

Look, I'm sorry, Morty.
I just don't think...

Do not. Even.
You have no need to explain.

It's all good. I think
you'd get bored with me.

E-Exactly.
Look, the sparks aren't flying.

This is what dating is for,
you know?

First date, no sparks.

No damage, no worries.
Life is a highway.

We're gonna ride it
all night lonnngg!

Gonna eat some "crudite."
Mmm!

Is this organic? Mmm.
All right.

You know, the evening continues.

Okay, here we go.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I have
some bad news for you.

Your money's no good here.

I'll... I'll get the next round,
sir.

Aren't you a child? Only
in the ways that matter.

Morty.
Stacy.

I've been watching you drink,
Stacy.

I get the feeling
you've got a hard job.

I wonder what it takes
to please you.

That's the job I want...
Part time, full time,

I want to be good at it,
bad at it,

I want to get promoted, fired,
corner office, hostile takeover,

workplace accident...
I'm on my knees, Stacy...

Praying, worshipping, begging,
whatever you want.

What do you think about that?

Okay. fuck it.

Tink.

Mm!

Let's ask my grandpa.
He's a scientist.

Hey, Rick, are you familiar
with "benoi" technology?

Morty, great news.

I went back to the spa
and they let me purchase

the containment unit
from their detoxifier.

Why? Because we're
coming home, bitch!

What is this? This is the parts of
your pussy grandpa that keep it real.

Oh... oh, and I think you
dropped something, too!

I don't want to be on camera.

I'm ugly and gross, please.

Should I go? You're
your own person, Stacy.

Then I'd like to stay.

Rick, please tell me

you're not trying to put
that stuff back inside of us.

Morty, I'm sorry. That stuff
is alive and it belongs with us.

We yanked them from their homes
and locked them in a can.

Motherfucker!

See?
They're living in pain.

That's what they do, Rick,
they live in pain.

They are pain, you know?

They... they're all the bad
parts of us, which, by the way,

includes our dishonesty,

so how do you know this isn't
all some sort of crazy trick?

Oh, so now because I'm made
entirely of toxins I'm also a liar?

Fuck you, you little sociopath.

You hear this, Morty? Oh,
everybody hates me. I can tell.

Y-You all hate me... All
right, shut up, Morty.

Healthy Rick,
are we doing this or what?

Yep. Sorry, Morty. I need you
to step into the booth.

Don't negotiate
with that little turd, dummy.

You're the Rick.
You need to show dominance.

Morty, booth, now. Booth!

Come on, Morty.
Don't touch me!

Morty, do the healthy thing and
voluntarily retoxify yourself.

Nooooo!

Is it wrong if I think
this is kind of hot?

Let me out of here!
Stacy, help! Open the door!

I need to hear our safe word,
Morty.

Sea Cucumber!
Sea Cucumber!

What are you doing? I'll do
anything for you, Morty.

No!

It worked! Yes!
That idiot believed every word.

Now let's see how he enjoys
living in that shit tank.

He's right behind me, isn't he?

He's in front of you. Oh. My
eyes are still adjusting.

Uh, is this like a sex dungeon?

I guess I should've been
paying attention.

After 70 years
of being bottled up

inside a sentimental jackass,

I finally get to live
my own life.

You said we were merging. I lied, dumb-ass!
I lie about everything!

Why would I ever re-merge
with a pussy like you?

So... you were just gonna trap us
in that tank?

T-That was your plan? Not wa
motherfucker... still is.

Kill him, Rick!

I don't like this!
This is scary!

All right, you asked for it.

Did I ask for this?

Did I ask for this?
Huh? Did I?

Assessing threat to groin.

Groin System 6000.
Kill him!

That... is my groin's user.

Believe me, I got a lot more use
out of that thing

than he ever did.

You know what?
Not my table.

You do know me.

What the hell, Grandpa Rick?

Fuck you, Summer!
Sorry, Summer!

Okay, okay, take it easy.
Don't do it.

I love you. Good boy.

Daddy's little boy.

Summer,
get out of here! Go!

Oh, who's that?

Who's that over there?

Oh, no. You see the bad man
in front of you?

You're a good little boy,
you're gonna get him.

You're gonna get him.

Ahh!

Son of a...

Ahh!

Nice try, asshole.

We can resolve our issues.

We don't need to resort
to over-the-top...

Aah!

I-I did it, Rick.
I got the tank!

I-I'm a piece of shit,
but I got the tank!

You're going in that tank,
motherfucker.

You're gonna live in
that toxic shit wasteland

like I had to do!

Ahh!
Ow!

That's right, motherfucker
You're going in that fucking...

Dads?

Okay, just...
Just leave her out of it.

What's going on?

All right, fuck this.
Time for plan B...

If I can't trap you
in a toxic world,

I'll just make the whole world
toxic.

It's okay, girls.

I-I'm so sorry I put us in
danger with some of my behavior.

I-If you'd like I can go out
in the g-garden,

pick some fresh basil,
and make us a nice Scallopini.

What did the booger version
of you mean

when he said he was going
to make the whole world toxic?

Believe me, sweetie, that man's
motivations are a mystery.

Screw that, Rick.
We got to stop him.

What's the last thing you'd think
about doing with that tank thing?

Morty, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but it's not our place,
you know,

to pick and choose which world
gets saved from what apocalypse.

Our... our toxins have as much
a right to their worldview as...

Morty, how is it healthy
to slap me?

Obviously my version of health

is a hell of a lot different
from yours,

you useless old turd.

Wait. That's it.

How could that detox machine
know the difference

between healthy and sick for
everything that goes through it?

It can't.

It must be by the individual's
own definition of toxicity.

That means...

Dad! What the...
What the hell, Rick?

I'll explain on the way.

This "Moon Tower," Morty,

is the perfect height
and metallic composition

for the amplification
and beaming of toxic energies.

What do you think about that,
Morty?

Are you excited about that,
Morty?

Oh, man. I'm just freaked out.
I-It's too high up here.

Once I flip this switch,

the entire world is gonna
be just as toxic as us, baby.

As we praise
our loving Father...

God is a lie!
We made him up for money!

Santa Claus isn't real.

You were all mistakes!

We fucking did it, Morty.

Put your fucking hands
in the air.

Yeah, you little piece of shit.

Remember me?

Didn't you learn last time
that you can't beat me?

Yeah, I did. And then I learned
something else.

- This.
- Ahh!!

That bullet is laced with an
encrypted nanobotic virus

that will disintegrate your
Morty in about, ah, 20 minutes.

You think I give a shit?

I know you give a shit, dummy.

Because I know I don't.

Here's another thing I know...

The decryption key
that neutralizes the virus.

You want it?
Come and get it.

Merge with me and you'll know
how to save him.

Pfft. Come on, man.
I've been trapped

in your pussy brain
for 70 years of delusions,

but this is the all-time weakest
bluff that I've ever...

Ow-Ohh!! Jesus Christ!
What are you doing?!

He's cutting your time in half.
10 minutes. Ohh! It hurts!

What is your problem?

Oh, I had all my problems
removed... my entitlement,

my narcissism,
my crippling loneliness,

my irrational attachments.

They must be somewhere.
They ain't over here, bro.

I'm not going back in there!

Honestly,
I don't care either way.

I hate having you in me.

And when I say "honestly"
you can believe it,

because we both know
I'm too healthy to lie.

Watch.

All right! Knock it off!
You're not impressing anyone.

Morty, not that I give
a shit, but are you okay?

Jesus Christ, it hurts.
Relax, quit your bitching.

Y-You're gonna be fine.
Grandpa's here.

You think that's funny?

Y-You got to have a sense
of humor about these things.

Oh, wait, you can't.

You're literally incapable
of seeing the bigger picture.

I guess it's just funny
because you've never done

anything but complain
about me being in charge,

but if I ever gave you the wheel
we'd be dead in five minutes.

- Rick?
- You poor, dumb, sick animal.

Rick?

Ahh! Just do it!

Just do it, you piece of...

I'm back, baby! Regular Rick!
Master of both worlds!

Check it it out!

"Excuse me."

Now we'll just reverse
this hacky toxicity beam.

Man, I really over think shit
when I'm angry.

Oh, give it to me.

Mm, ma-mah.

God is not a lie.

Mommy! Mommy!

Ha! All right, Morty,

now it's time we re-merge
your little ass.

You're a better man
than me, Rick.

I'm healthy
enough to admit that!

That kid
is a real piece of shit.

Y-Y-You're gonna save me,
right?

Part of me wanted to,
Toxic Morty.

Part of me really wanted to.

I'm telling you,
these shares are hot. Yeah.

That sounds like a good idea.
It's definitely a good idea.

Duane, Duane, Duane, I get it,
now can you get me?

Have I ever lied to you?

That's right, and ask around,
I never do, Duane.

Let me put this real simple.

This stock is a beautiful
redhead, recently single,

not looking to date
but ready to fall in love,

and fate has put her locker
two down from yours, Duane...

Two lockers down.

So step up or step off, Duane.

Blue pill or red pill,
what'll be, bro?

Totally understand, Duane.

You're the boss.

Heinholz Biotech...

Million and a half
at thirty-three.

Heh.

You little fucking monster.

Mmm! Is this organic?

Mmm!

Go for Morty.

Hi, Morty. It's Jessica.

Look, can we just talk
for a minute?

Is that how long it takes
for Rick to trace my location?

Come back, Morty.
I miss you.

You miss the old me.

You miss someone
that loved you so much

you never had to love 'em back.

How do you know
I don't want to love you?

Because I'm not sick.
Ex-girlfriend?

Should I be jealous? There's
nothing to be jealous of.

I just realized that I'm scheduled
to speak at that fundraiser

on our date night.

I can cancel. We'll be together.
That's a date.

You are the perfect man.

Oh, sweetie, I think you hit
the wrong button.

You didn't hang up.

Huh. How 'bout that?

Sorry, tiny American Psycho,

time to take the opposite
of your medicine.

Do what you got to do.

Oh! Ow! Ahh!

So, how do you feel, Morty?

Ah, geez. I'm miserable.
Am I good or what?

I guess it's worth it, though,
to know how much you care.

Care? Me?
Morty, I'm fine with you.

I only did this for him.
You lying bitch.

She kept coming to our house,
Morty, and kept asking me

"Did... did... d-did you get
a new Morty yet?"

Because you kept drunk dialing
me and crying about it.

I wasn't crying!

Jacquelyn, I...

I-I-I wasn't
who I said I was.

You weren't a 14-year-old boy
from the Midwest

who ran away from his family
and capitalized

on his lack of conscience
by becoming a stock broker?

Oh. I guess I was pretty
up front about that, wasn't I?

You were up front
about everything.

You were my soul mate.

Well...
N... Not anymore. I'll, um...

Y-You can keep the apartment,

and... and... and,
uh... the drones.

She can't keep the drones.

They turn into
a little Voltron robot.

They're awesome.

You can't keep the drones.

So, how was your date with Brad?

It wasn't a date.
We were just having lunch.

You guys are getting
back together, aren't you?

Morty, I need your help
on an adventure.

Eh, "need" is a strong word.

We need door stops,
but a brick would work, too.

Okay.

Morty.

Good to have you back.

Have you ever been peed on
before?

Oh, my God. Yum.

* Hey, did you ever want to hold
a terrifold? *

* I got one right here

* Grab my terri-flap

* Squeeze it

* Grab it, squeeze it

* Tug on my terri-flap

* Hey, I want to take you to *

* The terrifold dance

* Wanna come with me?
You can grab my holdie-folds *

* Squeeze 'em tight

* You son of a bitch

* Suck my holdie-flappy folds

* Lick my flappy
foldie-holes *

* My terri-flaps
in your mouth *

* Suck my flaps,
you piece of shit *

* Whoo

Although only a handful
of moon towers remain today,

they were popular
in the late 19th century.

An entire town could be
illuminated by...

What the hell is this?

Sea Cucumber!

Sea Cucumber!!