Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender - full transcript

Don't let any of those
things get away, Morty.

It their DNA gets
into Earth's food chain,

our entire species
could be sterilized.

Then why aren't we
killing them?

Right, next time I need
a species sterilized,

who's gonna do it for me,
you?

Whoa! Rick!

I-Is that
the Vindibeacon?

We're being called to assemble
by the Vindicators!

I refuse to answer a literal
call to adventure, Morty.

Let it go to voice mail.
Rick,



the Vindicators only call when
the universe itself is at stake.

They're the first line
of defense against evil.

They're the guardians
of the unguarded!

They're the writers of their own
press releases, Morty.

They're a bunch of drama queens
that spend an hour talking

and 20 minutes jumping around
while shit blows up.

They're a phase.

We did one, it was the big even
of that summer, let it die.

I, Morty Smith,
invoke my right

to choose one in every 10
Rick and Morty adventures.

God [bleep] damn it!
Read 'em and weep.

Fine. But don't say
I didn't warn you.

Yes! Vindicator Command Ship...
Beacon received.

We're doing
Vindicators Twoooooo!



Whoops.

Uh, Morty, you might want
to freeze some sperm.

Vindicators.

Worldender is back,

and this time he's out
to end more than worlds.

We have reason to believe
his stronghold is located on...

My balls. Rick!

The Terraneous system.

Once in range, Million Ants
will scan for pheromone activity

which should lead us
to the location of the base.

Oh, that's Million Ants.

I can't see the ants
from over here,

I just assumed that was, uh,
turd man,

wiggly turd man.

Rick, stop! Rick, you have
something to add to the briefing?

Uh, yeah,
just a few more design notes...

Um, this guy,
the, uh... the, uh...

I am Crocubot.

Right, Crocubot.

So, you're half cold,
unfeeling reptile, half...

also cold...

equally unfeeling machine.
Yes.

Wow. So, your origin
is what?

Y-You fell
into a vat of redundancy?

Got damn!

Noob Noob,
we're having a briefing.

If I can continue, Rick.

I anticipate sophisticated
security measures.

I trust
you can be of service there.

Well, let me check my list
of powers and weaknesses.

Ability to do anything...
But only whenever I want...

Yeah, that sounds like
a job for me.

I wish he had the ability
to check his attitude.

Alan Rails,
ladies and gentlemen.

After his parents tragic death
in a railroad accident,

he gained the power
to summon ghost trains.

It's not all bad though,

they were spared having to see
their grown son wear a WHISTLE.

Got damn!

Thanks, Noob Noob.
This guy gets it.

Vance Maximus,
Renegade Star Soldier...

Sorry I'm late.
It was happy hour.

Happy hour.

Uh, I was also late
because of my drinking

and mentioned it
to zero applause.

Rick Sanchez.
Tinkerer of Terror.

Man, that's hard to say.

And... Morty, right?

Whoa, yeah!
I never forget a kid.

What do you say, Vindicators,
let's make this three for three?

- Haha!
- Yes!

Did he say
"three for three"?

Did he say he never
forgets a kid?

You mean two for two,
right, Vance?

Actually, we assembled
a second time last summer

to fight Doomnomitron.

So this is...
Vindicators Three?

And you guys did
Vindicators Two... without us?

I sense... insecurity.

Are you sure there's not
just a picnic nearby?

I guess he found his crowd.

Pretty toothless stuff,
guys.

I hope you're happy with
the adventure so far, Morty.

These guys are even lamer
than last time.

We weren't here last time,
remember?

They did a whole Vindicators
without us.

A bunch of them got killed,
too.

They lost Lady Katana,
Calypso, Diablo Verde...

Yikes. Yeah, things did feel
less diverse in there.

This article says the reason
we weren't involved was...

"personality conflicts."

Don't worry, Morty,
they love you.

Superheroes need
a wide-eyed unremarkable

to tag along and react
to everything

like it's mind blowing.

I... think the personality
conflict might have been...

you?

Jesus...

How awesome is that?

I mean, they wanted
to not need me so bad

they murdered three
innocent heroes of color

and they still
had to bring me back?

Rick, since
it's my adventure and all,

could you do me a favor?

Uh, the adventure
is the favor, Morty.

Me sleeping on these linens
is the favor.

I mean, w-w-what... what are we
vindicating? Comfort?

Rick,
this really bums me out.

It-It's embarrassing to find out
these guys don't like us.

Why? Morty
I defeat gagoos

more powerful than these guys
every week.

Yeah, but not heroes.

Oh, please, they just call
themselves heroes so they can...

I'm calling them that, Rick!
They're my heroes. Mine!

Huh, no accounting
for taste.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

Good morning, Vindicators.

Ship has arrived
at Terraneous system.

All Vindicators report
to the... briefing room.

The... The room
from the, uh... the...

Uh, it's the d...
It's a different room than...

Than conference room.

I'm sorry, it's my first day
as a PA System.

First-day jitters.

Oh, God.

Good morning. Looks like your
grandpa had a long night.

Crocubot, why don't you
escort Mr. Sanchez

to a more comfortable spot
so that someone can...

clean up his diarrhea.

Oooh, I'm nervous
about my first mission!

Actually, Noob Noob,
you have a new mission.

Got... damn. Vindicators,
prepare for arrival.

Morty, the Vindicators and I
had a chat this morning,

and I'm afraid we need
to make a little change.

I-I totally get it.
I-I'm so sorry.

You should be.

Running around
in a yellow T-shirt

like you're not one of us.

Disgraceful.
I-I-I'm not a superhero.

Cop a squat, chief.

Everyone in the universe
is a hero.

All you have to do is know the
difference between good and bad,

and root for good.

Rick says good and bad
are artificial constructs.

Yeah, well,
I get the feeling...

He kind of needs that
to be the case.

Not coming, Noob Noob?

Ohh! No, uh,
I got stuff to do here.

Security drones, inbound.

Star Mother,
grant me your wrath.

All aboard!

Gun turret.
Are you all right?

Yes. I only lost 400 ants.

My queen is laying more.

I am back to...
one Million Ants.

Someone wake up Sanchez.

Ugh! Oh, Christ.

Rick. You're up.
Barely.

We're taking fire
from an automated turret.

Can you bring it offline?
Uh-huh.

Uh, my God, that's better.
Rick!

Hey, I can't help
if I can't see.

I could've just used
a ghost train.

Really? You don't say.
You would've used a ghost train?

Hey, everybody,
the ghost train guy

would have used
a ghost train.

- Man, [bleep] you.
- Is there coffee?

Hey, Morty,
can you be a pal,

Grandpa left his coffee maker
on the ship,

you know,
the French press thing...

Get it yourself.

Little extra snippy
this morning, aren't you?

Just focus on the mission,
all right?

Oh-oh-oh, I'm sorry,
oh, you're right.

Ohh, real serious.
Gotta take it real serious, huh?

Son of a Steam Engine.
They're all dead.

Why would Worldender do this
to his own men...

and several women? Well,
he is the Worldender.

The guy ends worlds.
Kind of his thing.

Ohh, real scared.
Real [bleep] on alert,

high alert over here.

Watch out!

What the [bleep]?!

It's Worldender!
What happened to him?

I sense his life force
is fading.

Million Ants,
ladies and gentlemen.

The ant colony with the power
of two human eyes.

All right. Short mission.
Good mission.

Remember when Alan
wanted to use a ghost train?

See you guys in Vindicators Four.
Morty? Rick, whoever did this

is an even bigger threat
than Worldender.

We can't leave now.

He's right.
This is far from over.

Well, have fun with that,

but Morty and I have to meet
a Lady Comet, a Monorail Man,

Two Assholes, and a
Full Alligator in like an hour.

Shit.

I sense the presence

of a greater evil.

Drunk
Check, check. One, two.

Okay. Is it recording?
Good.

Hello, Vindicators.

Welcome to your reckoning,
baby!

Official.

I had too much to drink
last night.

You're, you know,
the Vindicators.

So, now that we know... Rick?
What's going on, buddy?

Obviously, I came here
last night during a blackout.

"Obviously?"

You came here and defeated
our arch nemesis...

while so drunk
you don't remember doing it?

That's something "obvious"
to you?

Look, I'm a lit... little
more complex than you guys,

and, no offense,
but I've always suspected

that a lot of what you do
in a year

could be knocked out
in a couple of hours.

So I thought, why not
just do your job for you,

so we can have
a little fun game.

Rick, is...
Is this a "Saw" thing?

Are you seriously
Sawing the Vindicators?

Morty, I'm a drunk,
not a hack.

If you break the rules,
lose the game or try to leave,

you will die.

Like in "Sawwww."

Well,
I-I-I think we've seen enough,

I'll just figure out
how to unplug this.

Okay, here we go.
Room number one.

The Vindicators are known
throughout the galaxy,

but do they know yourselves,
do you know yourselves?

Match your... your shit,
your... your gimmicks,

with your faces, and y-you get
it, it's a matching thing.

And do it in three minutes
or you'll all die.

Screw this.
I'm not playing his game.

I'm gonna find us
a way out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, Vance.

He said you'd die
if you tried to leave.

That means
there's booby traps.

Why are you acting
like that's not you?

What part of "blackout"
don't you understand?

I thought you drank.

Like cool drinking!
Like sexy drinking,

not this psycho,
trailer-park shit!

Vance, stay calm...

Oh, so you're the leader now,
because we gave you a jacket?

You're the learning-disabled kid
we do photo ops with.

Okay, ouch, but...
Okay, this...

This is triggering me.
I need space.

I-I need space from this!

Give me one reason

why I shouldn't crush
your windpipe.

Because my epidermis is laced
with a nanofiber defense mesh...

And because, like I said,
I don't remember last night.

I told you not to invite this
mummified mother[bleep] back.

Alan, I'm not proud
of what's happening here,

but if you
keep coming at me,

there's gonna be another
passenger on that ghost train.

Guys! I figured it out.

- Congrats!
- You did it it!

It was a bit. All of the
descriptors apply to all of you.

Drunk Rick's point

is that none of you
are very special or different.

That's always his point.

Let's just get through this
as quickly as possible.

Then we'll deal
with the two of you.

The two of us?
I hope you're proud of yourself.

Uh, I kind of am. I saved
the God damn universe.

That's not the issue,
Rick!

Ahh, it would've been
if I hadn't!

The Vindicators say their job

is to fight evil
wherever it hides,

but they don't...
Pick the location you'll...

You'll never hear them
even mention,

because to fight darkness
is to fight yourself.

Oh! I know this.
Dorian 5!

Crocubot, don't!

There's no other
possible answer.

My mechanical and reptilian
logic are certain of it.

Oh!

Huh! I'm seeing more croc
than bot here.

God damn it!

Uh, what happened on Dorian 5?
Nothing!

Nothing? We exterminated
a planet.

W-Wait. Huh?

Doomnomitron was hiding there!
He's a shapeshifter.

Destroying Dorian 5
was the only way to kill him.

Come on, guys,
we're all thinking it.

Don't...

Don't make me say it.

Oh, okay. This again.

You know,
I could have made you a device

to detect Doomnomitron from
orbit like that.

I'm not the one that
didn't want you back. Alan was.

If you lay those deaths
at my doorstep one more time...

Do not threaten her.

Congrats, you did it.

What the hell
is "Israel"?

It-It's just something
Rick starts talking about

when he's blackout drunk.

W-What?
In w... In w-w-what?

Like,
w-w-what's my point?

In a way
that has no point,

you just babble about defense
budgets and the United Nations

and then you pass out.

So, to be clear,
I sometimes reference

the geopolitical complexities
of the topic...

Which is not the same as going
to an anti-Semitic place.

I have not stake
in this...

I don't either, I'm...
I'm just saying, if anything,

the drunk version of me is
probably so supportive of Israel

he wants what's best for it
and...

Hey, man, I'm not touching this.
You do you.

Aloha... means hello
and goodbye in Hawaii.

But, uh, aloha means...

Has nothing to do
with this room.

I'm so [bleep] drunk.

Ugh, okay.
Here's the deal.

I-I want to rest my eyes
for a little bit,

I'm...
I'm not going to sleep,

I just... just need
to rest my eyes,

so let's make this one
simple...

Just... try to hit
some three pointers.

Let's say... you have to
hit... five three pointers

in... five minutes... or...
I don't know,

the whole place... the
whole planet will get blown up

with a n-neutrino bomb.

And try to make it a-a lesson
about... yourselves,

like... like
how selfish you are...

Are or something.

And also Hawaii.

You guys hit the baskets,

I'll disarm the
drunkenly-improvised neutrino bomb.

There's a 40 percent chance
it's a dud,

but y-you should still
stay back.

Morty, how many of these...

Too many, Rick! Too many!

Man, I am really getting
high-roaded today.

That's a three pointer.

Nice shot.
Thank you.

You two
make quite a team.

We all do.

Yeah, I guess...

That's a three pointer.

But you guys have always had
a... an unspoken bond.

I mean, really unspoken.

Like, let's-not-tell-my-husband
unspoken.

We aren't married anymore,
Alan.

Sure, but were we married

when you two were "stranded"
on Delphi Six for three days?

Because I sensed something
was weird when you came back...

But what do I know
about sensitivity?

I'm just
a phantom train conductor.

You're the pile of ordinary bugs
that [bleep] my wife!

That's a three pointer.

Where the [bleep]
is the lead wire?

You always put it
in the weirdest place.

Um, uh,
over here maybe?

Jesus Christ,
what a shitty neutrino bomb.

It's a miracle I ever
actually destroy anything.

Oh, I don't know,

you managed to destroy
just about everything today.

The villains, the heroes,

the lines between them,
my childhood...

Thank yeewwwwww.
I appreciate it, Morty,

I know you were sucking
the Kool-Aid

out of
the Vindicators' [bleep]

So the fact that I was right
about them

must be pretty hard
to admit.

Yeah, it is.
You know why, Rick?

Because
when you're an asshole,

it doesn't matter
how right you are,

nobody wants to give you
the satisfaction.

I know. Everyone wants people
they like to be right.

That's why popular people
are [bleep] dumb.

And why your pretentious,
poorly-written,

high-budget friends
back there

can eat a double-decker
shit sandwich.

Disarmed.

Holy shit.
You're jealous.

Yes! Is that
what you want to hear?!

Did it feel good?

Did you like his six million
wriggling legs

more than
my tragedy-stricken,

half-ghost, half-tumescent penis?!
Guys, stop!

You're just proving
my asshole grandpa right!

You wish this was about sex!
We loved each other!

We had a child together!
What?!

I conceived a child with Million
Ants and it died inside me

because it was half a million
ants and half collapsing star!

And yes.
He was better than you.

Yeah?

One... million...
times... better.

All aboard, mother[bleep]

Stop!

Oof!
Didn't see that coming.

Is that sarcasm?

I don't want you slipping away
when this is over.

All of these deaths
are on your hands.

Okay, come on,
maybe a couple of them,

but definitely
not the Train Guy.

Oof! All of them.

Oookay.

Congrats. You did it.

All right, by now,
I've been pretty clear

that I think the Vindicators
are full of shit.

But... you do have one thing
that I'll never have.

And that thing is the only part
of the Vindicators

with any value to me.

If you know what it is,
place it on the platform.

Guess wrong
and pla-planet will explode.

And probably the solar system,

'cause I kind of [bleep]
eyeballed the neutrino bombs

on this one.

So what's the trick? Morty,
you're the Drunk Rick expert.

I think... no matter
what we put on there, we die.

He said it's the part
of the Vindicators he values.

That means nothing.

He wants
our last moment alive

to be spent knowing
how few [bleep] he gave.

Jesus! Okay,
open to second opinions.

It could...
It could be Morty.

What?
Hey, I don't know.

I mean, look,
when I get drunk,

I get stupid and emotional
and there's no logic to it.

It's, like,
it's possible I got so drunk

I felt like I was losing Morty
to the Vindicators,

and maybe this is
my way of saying, "Okay",

you can have him but only if
you know how important he is,

"otherwise I'll kill you."

That is a...
really specific guess.

Look, I-I... there's
nothing in the room but us.

I'm just using logic
to connect some dots,

it's the best guess
I've got.

But you're betting our lives
on it.

I'll cover that bet.
I get it.

Well, Morty, I think
you're doing that smirky face

because you're misinterpreting
the moment.

I am not being coy
about some hidden love for you.

I want to be really clear that
if anyone has a better guess,

like, if I gave you
an amulet last night, or...

Phew.

Oh, shit.

Sorry. I'm... not good
at goodbyes,

and... I'm drunk,
so, you know, I just...

It looks like I'm never
going to see you again.

I can't really roll
with the hero types.

And I don't... they...
They don't want me around.

But I want you to know, even if
I didn't show it at the time,

I really appreciated
you sticking by me.

God damn it, why am I crying?
It makes no sense.

Ugh, you're...
You're probably confused

because we barely
knew each other,

but you really
stuck your neck out

when you gave me props
for my awesome jokes

in the briefing room.

Everybody else had their head
so far up their ass.

Even my own grandson is like,

"Oh, the Vindicators,
they're so cool."

I mean, he's a moron,
that's their demographic.

But you're different,
Noob Noob.

Mother [bleep]

You're [bleep] cool.
And you're smart.

And I bet
we coulda hung out and shit.

And I hope you get to be
a full-fledged Vindicator

and... and do...
Do me a favor,

don't... don't let them know
I-I got emotional.

But you can tell them
one thing.

Tell them I said...

Oh [bleep] Okay. I just
shit myself. Okay, later.

W... Dude, Morty, what
happened... Shut up.

I sense this means
we are not dying.

Not all of us.

Sweetheart.

Just let Titty Bean do this,
Snuzzles.

It's for the greater good.

Greater good?
Titty Bean?

It's like you said, Morty.

There's no right or wrong...
Never said that.

It's the galaxy's faith
in the Vindicators

that keeps
the galaxy secure.

Yeah,
I feel safer already.

No doubt, who do we make
the check out to?

I will say we are getting
some good licks in

while choking to death...
Right?

Titty Bean.
Listen to me.

When you came to me,

I was merely
a sentient colony of ants.

It was your beliefs,
your pursuit of justice...

that taught me
to be a man.

When did it get
so complicated?

Who knows.
But we can make it simple again.

You were always
the romantic.

Which is why you can't leave,
either.

I'm sorry, my love.

Damn! She double-crossed
Snuzzles!

Silence!
I'm going to enjoy this...

Let's
give a huge thanks to Rick Sanchez

for killing Worldender, putting
this awesome party together,

and for booking one of
the hottest talents out there...

- Logic!
- Awe, yeah.

Look at that.
It's going down.

Geez, I must have planned
a whole party.

- It's Logic, y'all.
- Invited a bunch of people.

- Not bad, Drunk Rick, not bad.
- Shout out to my boy, Rick.

Are you ready?

♪ There's a choo-choo train man,
he's rolling down tragedy ♪

♪ Everybody knowing Supernova
fights gravity ♪

Rick, Supernova's getting away.
Eh, who cares?

But... she was trying
to kill us.

Morty, 20 people
try to kill me every week.

I end up getting high
with half of them.

I mean, check it out,
Gearhead's here.

♪ There's this dude
Million Ants ♪

Hmm. Well, that's gonna shoot
through me.

Morty, you're wearing
a Vindicator jacket.

Are you a little superhero
now?

Everyone in the universe
is a hero, Mom.

Which is why
we don't need jackets.

And I'm pretty sure
we don't need Vindicators.

Don't mind if I do.

Hey, everybody!
Look who's a Vindicator!

Man, Grandpa Rick must have gotten
shitfaced. Shut up, Summer.

♪ Can't forget about the one who
never seems to get a chance ♪

Noob Noob! ♪ All the
bitches come around for ♪

Noob Noob! ♪ His dick
gets more visits than ♪

♪ YouTube Who the
[bleep] is Noob Noob?

Noob Noob! ♪ Say,
everybody, everybody is ♪

Yo, it's Logic once again,
y'all.

Don't forget the name.

Make sure you get home safe.

And, man, we gotta all
give it up for Rick,

'cause, I mean,
what kind of mother

Just sets up
a whole festival like this

when he's completely loaded,
man?

And all that stuff I said about
Vance, that's not real.

Vance that guy,
that guy sucks

Whoo!

Yeah!

Yo...

D-Did I get paid yet?
Whoo!

I can't believe we're getting
Gear Cream with a Vindicator.

So, you girls in Gear college
or Gear...

Alien terror attack!

Okay. Sounds like
a job for... me.

I better go
get into my alter ego.

So cool.
I know.

Wait, what alter ego?

He was already wearing
the jacket.

Gotta know when to hold 'em
and...

Aaaaah!

Did you get any of that?