Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

and you're gonna be Adam.
[groans]
And Jessica's gonna be Eve, and so that's the surprise, Morty.
No, you can't!
J-Jessica doesn't even know I exist.
But -- but -- but forget about that,
because you can't blow up humanity.
I-I get what you're trying to say, M-Morty.
Listen, I'm not -- You don't --
Y-y-you don't got to worry about me trying to fool around with --
With Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything.
I'm -- I'm not that kind of guy, Morty.
What are you talking about, Rick?
You -- you -- you don't have to worry about me getting
with Jessica or anything.
She -- she -- she -- she -- She's all for you, Morty.
I don't care about Jessica!
You know what, Morty? You're right.
Let's forget the girl all together.
She -- she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.
SHIP: Arming Neutrino bomb.
That's it -- That's it, Rick.
I'm taking the wheel.
Get off of me, Morty!
I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy.
What's gotten into you?
I'm -- I'm -- I'm --
I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb...
What are you, crazy?
Person and just let you blow up the whole world.
All right, all right.
I'll -- I'll land.
I'll land. I'll land.
I'll land the thing.
I'll land the thing.
Big tough guy all of a sudden.
We'll park it right here, Morty.
Right here on the s-side of the r-road here.
Oh, thank God.
You know what?
That was all a test, Morty.
Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.
It was?
Sure. Why not?
I don't -- I don't know.
You -- you know what, Mo--
[snoring ]
SHIP: Neutrino bomb armed.{
[ beeping]
Um...
[ beeping increases]
I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight.
Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?
Oh, my God. His head is in his food.
I'm going to puke.
Morty, are you getting sick?
I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow.
The dog sleeps on it.