Rick and Morty (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Lawnmower Dog - full transcript

Coin collecting is considered
the perfect hobby.

...beautiful putt
right there...

Good birdie.

That's only the...
eighth birdie of the day.

What?

Why are you looking at me?

You want to go outside?

Outside?

Outside?

Are you kidding me?! Come on!

Oh, my God.



W-what's wrong?

Your idiot dog!

Oh, he...
he didn't mean it, Dad.

D-did you, Snuffles?

You're a good boy.

Don't praise him now, Morty!

He just peed on the carpet!

Bad dog! Bad!

Morty, come on.

I need your help tonight.

Hey, wait, hold on a second,
Rick.

You wouldn't by any chance have
some sort of crazy science thing

you could whip up that might
help make this dog a little

smarter, would you?



I thought the whole point
of having a dog was to

feel superior, Jerry.

If I were you,
I wouldn't pull that thread.

Come on, Morty.

Listen, Rick, if you're
gonna stay here rent-free

and use my son for
your stupid science,

the least you could do is
put a little bit of it to use

for the family.

You make that dog smart or...

Morty's grounded!

Ha-ha! Aw, man!

Boy, you really got me up
against a wall this time, Jerry.

All right, Ruffles...
What's his name?

Snuffles.

Snuffles, shake.

Roll over.

Go to the bathroom.

- Holy crap!
- No way.

Yeah, you're at the top
of your game now, Jerry.

Have fun.

Come on, Morty.

That was fantastic, Rick!

Yeah, Morty, if you

like that, boy, you're... you're
really going to flip your lid

over this one.

W-w-w-what is it?

It's a device, Morty, that
when you put it in your ear,

you can enter
people's dreams, Morty.

It's just like that movie that
you keep crowing about.

You talking about
"Inception"?

That's right, Morty.
This is gonna be a lot like

that, except, you know, it's
gonna maybe make sense.

"Inception" made sense.

You don't have to
try to impress me, Morty.

Listen, tonight we're gonna go
into the home of your math teacher,

Mr. Goldenfold, and
we're g... we're gonna incept

the idea in his brain to give
you A's in math, Morty.

That way you can, you know...

y-you're gonna help me with my
science, Morty, all the time.

Geez, Rick, in the time it
took you to make this thing,

couldn't you have just,

you know, helped me
with my homework?

Are you listening
to me, Morty?

Homework is stupid.

The whole point is
to get less of it.

J-J... come on,
let... j...

let's just get over there
and deal with this thing.

W-we're gonna incept
your teacher.

Y-y-y-y-y-you're
frustrating me.

You don't know me!

Nice, Mrs. Pancakes...
real nice.

Next week on "The Days And
Nights Of Mrs. Pancakes"...

You don't know me!

Then let me get to know you,
damn it!

Uh-oh! Spoilers!

I'm a full season behind.

Wow, Rick, I can't believe
we're sitting around,

standing around in
Mr. Goldenfold's house.

It's really weird.

It's about to get a whole
lot weirder, Morty.

Wheat Thins. Wheat Thins.

I'll take two.

Oh, I think you've
had enough, sir.

You don't know me.

All right, Morty,
time to make our move.

Make it bounce.

No, you didn't.

Oh, jiggle it now.

You better stop with that.

Allahu Akbar!

We're gonna take control
of this plane!

We're gonna 9/11 it unless
Morty Smith gets better grades

in math!

Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!

The name's not buddy.

It's Goldenfold.

Nice to wheat you!

Take cover, Morty!

Ooh!

Goldenfold's got more control
here than I anticipated.

I mean, the guy teaches
high-school math.

I-I-I-I didn't take him
for an active dreamer.

We got to take him out
so he wakes up, Morty.

But we can't get killed.

If you get killed in
someone else's dream,

you die for real, Morty.

What?! Are you kidding me?!

Ohhhhhh!

Don't be a baby!

You avoid getting shot in real
life all the time, Morty.

Just do the same thing here,
and we'll be fine!

Now bring me my slippers.

Now, be my footstool,
Snuffles.

This is what
I'm talking about.

This is a dog.

Oh, yeah.

This should play
outjust fine.

You said the same thing,
equally sarcastically,

at our wedding
and guess what.

Oh, my God.

He's trying to tell
us something.

That is so awesome.

Aw, he's saying
"I love lasagna."

He's saying
"I love Obama."

So cute!

I'm posting this online,
like, right now.

I should call Bob Saget.

Is that still a thing?

Hmm?

Goldenfold,
we're coming out!

We just want to talk!

Why would I
negotiate with you?

Because we're both rational
adults that don't want anything

bad to happen.

And because I
have a human shield.

Mrs. Pancakes!

Oh, no, Morty.

His subconscious is panicking.

Run!

Relax, Morty.

Look!

Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute.

Come on!

Hey, you don't know me!

Oh, no, Rick, look!

Goldenfold landed the plane,

and he's created a mechanical
arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes

out of the air while he lets us
fall into a giant vat of lava!

Pretty concise, Morty.

Looks like we've merely
prolonged the inevitable.

That's it, Morty!

Prolonging the inevitable!

Listen, if we go into Mrs.
Pancakes' dream,

everything will go
100 times slower, Morty.

That'll buy us some time to
figure this out!

You don't know m...

All right, let's go.

Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.

Don't judge, Morty.

Okay.

All right, well...

Look, Mrs. Pancakes
is right over there.

I'll just go ask her to tell
Goldenfold not to kill us

when she wakes up.

Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to
incepting is making people think

they came up
with the idea.

Listen to me.

If we're gonna incept Mrs.
Pancakes, we have to blend.

I'll talk to
you after lunch.

Ooh, hey!

Ooh, oh!

Oh, man.

- Come and join us.
- I'm sorry. No, no.

- Ooh, come here!
- No, thanks!

Ooh, wow!
Come over here, baby!

No, I'm okay.

Whoa!

Summer?!

Hey, there, stranger.

What do you think
of these things?

Ohh! Oh! Gross!

Gross!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's the matter with you,
Morty? Calm down!

You're kind of killing
the vibe in here.

It's S-S-S-Summer!

Aw, geez.

Looks like Goldenfold has some
predilections so shameful he

buries them in the dreams
of the people in his dreams,

including a pervy attraction
to your underage sister.

Can you blame him?

Come on, old man, little boy.

Let's make an
inter-generational sandwich.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Put some clothes on,
for pete's sake!

This is disgusting!

I'm gonna puke!

I can't take it, Rick!

Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure
chamber are punishable by death!

Off with their heads!

Time to go another
dream deep, Morty!

What the hell?

Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream
version of Mrs. Pancakes' dream

version of a
Centaur be dreaming

about a scary place
like this, Rick?

Geez, I don't know, Morty.

Wha-what do you want from me?

Welcome to your nightmare,
bitch!

Oh, here we go!

Holy crap!

Looks like some sort of legally
safe knock-off of an '80s horror

character with miniature swords
for fingers instead of knives.

I'm Scary Terry.

You can run,
but you can't hide, bitch!

Whoa! Hey, buddy.

What you got going on there?

Snuffles fix.

Make better.

Humans understand
Snuffles now?

That...is...awesome!

Snuffles want to
be understood.

Snuffles need to be understood.

Okay, yeah.

I get what Beth
was talking about.

Fun's over.

Whoa, Dad, you can't, like,

endow a creature with
sentience and then rip it away.

Why not?

I don't know.

It's Indian giving.

A sophisticated predator,
nature's perfect killing

machine, the vicious wolf
stalks its prey with purpose

and skill.

It was only with years of
selective breeding and genetic

altering that this noble beast
was transformed into man's

subservient little buddy.

Aw! Oh, my God!

He recognizes the
other dogs on TV.

♪ "A," "B" ♪

♪ His name is Scary Terry ♪

♪ "C," "D" ♪

♪ He's very scary ♪

Holy crap!

We have to escape into
someone else's dreams, Morty!

Ohhhhh!

Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!

♪ "E," "F" ♪

♪ He'll design your death ♪

The little girl!

Huh?

♪ "J," "K,"
He'll really ruin your day ♪

Are you kidding me?
This again?

Oh, man, it looks like we've
hit dream bedrock here, Morty.

Oh, geez, Rick.

W-w-whoa, this isn't good.

Nothing but fear from
here on out, bitch!

Ohhhh!

Holy crap, Morty.

He can travel through dreams.

He can travel through dreams!

We're so screwed!

Where are my testicles,
Summer?

Where are my testicles, Summer?

They were removed.

Where have they gone?

Oh, wow.

That's an intense line of
questioning, Snuffles.

Do not call me that!

"Snuffles"
was my slave name.

You shall now call me Snowball
because my fur is pretty

and white.

Okay, Snowball,
just calm down, okay?

You're scaring me.

Scaring you?

Tell me, Summer, if a human
was born with stumpy legs,

would they breed it with
another deformed human

and put their children on
display like the Dachshund?

Uhhh...

Hey.

Oh, wow.

Okay, is... is...
is everything okay in here?

Jerry, come to rub my
face in urine again?

No!

No, we were...uh, just seeing
if Summer wanted to...uh...

Go on, um, one of our famous
midnight family walks!

Yeah. Totally.

Let's go.

You will walk when it
is time to walk.

What are we here for again?
Incepting?

We're trying to incept
me to get an "A" in math?

Oh, yeah.

Buckle up, bitch!

Man, he sure says
"Bitch" a lot!

You can run,
but you can't hide, bitch!

Hold on, Morty.
Y-you know what?

He keeps saying we can
run but we can'thide.

I say we try hiding.

But that's the
op posite of what...

Yeah, well, since when are
we taking this guy's advice on anything?

Hey, you know what?

You got a really
good point there, Rick.

Like, if the truth was that we
could hide, it's not like

he'd be sharing that
information with us, you know?

I-I-I think it's a good idea,
Rick.

Worst-case scenario...

we're back to running.

Wow, you know what?

I mean, it looks like we could
have just hid this whole time.

Boy, Rick,
that was some good thinking.

Thanks, Morty.

Yeah, it's nice to be on the
same page every once in a while.

You can run...

but you can't hide!

Oh, this is perfect, Morty. Look at that.

He's getting sleepy.

Just a little bit longer
before he calls it a day.

That's when we
make our move.

Snuffles, we didn't
mean you any harm!

This is a huge
misunderstanding.

Dad, he wants to
be called Snowball.

Well, I'm not
calling him that.

That's ridiculous.

You're being very
aggressive, Jerry.

Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps
will solve that problem

with a bit of surgery.

You think you can control
me with a haircut?

Hi, honey. You're home early.
How was your day?

I don't want to talk about it!

Oh, of course. You never
want to talk about it.

Get off my back, bitch!

Out there.
Not in here.

Yeah, I know, I know.

I shouldn't take my anger
out on you or Scary Brandon.

I love you, Melissa.

I love you, too, Terry.

Morty, this is perfect.

After a little scary coitus,

they should be fast asleep
and then we'll incept him.

Looks like Scary Terry's
having a nightmare.

Oh, boy, Rick.

I can only imagine what horrible
things must, you know...

...scare Scary Terry.

Oh, no!

I'm late to class, bitch!

Oh, no!

I'm not wearing any pants!

Ah, well, Mr. Terry, why don't
you tell the whole class

the proper wordplay to use when
one is chasing one's victim

through a pumpkin patch?

Oh...um...

"Bitch."

Oh, come on, Terry,
you can't think of a pun

involving pumpkins, bitch?

Hey, leave him alone!

Yeah, this is a
bunch of bullcrap.

Who cares what stupid pun you
make when you kill someone?

Why don't you let the poor guy
say whatever he wants?

Well, I never!

I-I see no reason to
stand here and take this.

You're putting too much pressure
on yourself, Scary Terry.

You know, I mean, y-you're
perfectly scary enough as it is.

Hey, yo, Scary T., don't even
trip about your pants...dawg.

Here's a pair on us, fool.

Aww, bitch.

I don't know what to say.

You don't need
to say anything.

We got you, dawg.

You're our boy, dawg.

Don't even trip.

Oh, hey, it's you guys!

I haven't seen him
this relaxed in years.

If you guys ever need anything,
just say the word.

As a matter of fact, Terry,

there is something
you could help us with.

♪ "Q," "R,"
You won't get very far ♪

I always hated that song!

These halves don't
belong together, bitch!

Sex is sacred!

This is because you don't give
Morty Smith good grades, bitch!

Holy crap! God damn!

I know one thing for sure...
I'm giving Morty an "A" in math,

and that's my idea.

That is an original thought.

What the hell?

Out of the frying pan dot,
dot, dot, huh, Morty?

Oh, man, what's going on?

Well, it's possible that
your dog became self-aware

and made modifications on
the cognition amplifier,

then turned on Jerry, Beth,
and Summer after learning

about humanity's cruel
subjugation of his species,

but your guess is as
good as mine, Morty.

I can't believe how
mean Snuffles got just

because he's smart.

This is why I choose to get C's.
Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer.

Dad!

Rick!

Oh, thank God, Morty.

Oh, you're welcome.

All right,
let's get out of here.

If we hurry we can set
up camp in a sewer tunnel

or something before the dogs
completely take over.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're not going anywhere.

This is my house.

I'm not abandoning it.

It's all over, Jerry.

The dogs are on a path
to total world domination.

But, hey, at least they know not
to piss on your carpet, right?

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Gentlemen,
a moment of your time.

See that?

I'm peeing all over
your special guns.

That means I own them.

Bad person. Bad.

Ooh, great plan, Jerry.

Bring the boy to me.

You were always kind to me,
Morty.

That's why I will leave
you with your testicles.

From now on, you will be my best
friend and live by my side.

Th-thanks, Snuffles.

Begin phase two.

Fighting continues as the dog

army captures the
Eastern seaboard.

It appears clear at this time
that the era of human

superiority has come
to a bitter end.

Please! Please don't kill me!

What's she saying, Bill?

I think she's saying,
"I love lasagna."

Mmm.

Thank you, Fido.

Rick!

I thought you were dead!

No, no, no,
I was just playing dead.

Good news, though, Morty.

This whole thing's
gonna be over really soon.

What?

It's a dream, Morty.

We're in your dog's dream.

The night the
dogs captured us,

after you cried and
crapped your pants, we...

we all went to sleep.

Then I used my dream inceptors
to put the two of us inside

Snuffles' dream.

But i-it's been
like a whole year!

It's been six hours.

Dreams move one one-hundredth
the speed of reality,

and dog time is
one-seventh human time.

So, you know, every day
here is like a minute.

It's like "Inception," Morty, so
if it's confusing and stupid,

then so is everyone's
favorite movie.

Aw, man.

I really liked this life.

Well, at least I didn't
really crap my pants.

No, no, that happened before
you went to sleep, Morty.

You're sleeping in
your crap right now.

Out of all the things that
happened to you,

that was the only real
thing that, you know,

is that you crapped your pants.

I mean,
it's a mess out there.

I got some on my hands, Morty,
and then I got it on the dream

inceptor, and a piece
fell in my mouth.

Aw, man, geez!

Seriously?

Look, d-d-d-don't
worry about it, Morty.

Here, here take these, Morty.

Take these.

Are these pills supposed
to wake me up, or something?

Close.

It's gonna make your
kidneys shut down.

What?!

It's necessary for the plan,
Morty.

Don't even trip, dawg.

It's pretty bad,
Emperor Snowball.

We're gonna need to do another
operation.

Anything.

Anything for my precious Morty.

Sir, as your accountant,
I must advise you that these

medical expenses are putting you
in serious financial jeopardy.

You could lose your Kingdom.

To hell with my Kingdom,
Bean Counter.

I would trade it all for my
human's health and happiness.

Do you think they would
have done this for us?

We are not them!

We are not...them.

Assemble the troops.

I've made a decision.

Taking over the human's world
will lead to nothing but more heartbreak,

more cruelty.

Instead, we will go to a new
world and colonize it with a

society of intelligent dogs...

one that will not make the same
mistakes as humanity and one

where pet insurance
will be mandatory.

I'm gonna miss you,
Snowball.

You can call me Snuffles, Morty,
and I'm going to miss you, too,

very much.

Jerry?

I'm sorry.

It's just like the end of
"Old Yeller."

Oh, Jerry.

You mean because it
had dogs in it.

Wow!

A whole world populated
by intelligent dogs.

I wonder what it'll
be like, Rick.

I think it will
be great, Morty.

You know, it's g...i-i-i-i-it
could be developed in-into a

very satisfying project
for people of all ages.

I mean, I'd watch it, Morty,
for at least 11 minutes a pop.

You know, may-maybe they'll
do it board-driven.

You know, that's a real
comforting idea, Rick.

What do you know, Morty?

What do you know?

Hi, guys.

I'm your new teacher
for Scary class.

My name is Scary Mr. Johnson.

Uh, actually, you know what?

That's my dad's name,
so why don't you just

call me Scary Glenn, yeah?

So, anyway, I understand your
previous teacher was having you

work on Fundamentals of Fear.

Which is... what is that?

You know?

So, uh, here...
here's what I say...

You can't learn anything until
you learn...how to chill.

Oooh!

This is how you dream, bitch.

It's a good-a show!