Richard Hammond's Workshop (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

This time...

I've completely cocked up.
This is too expensive.

My classic car workshop
is almost a year old

and we're still not making any money.

If we had a website and we had
somebody to answer the phone,

I'm sure it's going
to get very busy.

We lost money.
Could you put another 15K in?

My wife, Mindy,
pops in to inspect the premises...

I didn't want it to be showy.
It isn't showy.

You've achieved that!

..and we go vintage car trialling.



Ours stands out a little bit.
Ours looks like a wedding car.

Theirs looks like something
out of "Mad Max".

Fire 'em up! Let's go.

I've fulfilled a lifelong dream.

This all yours? It's all ours.

I've set up a classic car
restoration business

with automotive wonder family, Neil,
Anthony, and Andrew Greenhouse.

Dad!

But it's become a money pit...

Bad, bad, bad! ..and if we don't
break even soon...

Ten? But the budget's ten!

..there's a real chance
we may go bust.

It's not going well at all.

So, I've come up
with ambitious new plans.



Welcome to your club.

We've just got to push forward
into the big league.

We're even going racing
to find cars that need our help.

Now wouldn't be the time to go
and give him a business card.

I'm determined to turn
my lifelong obsession...

Come on, little car!

..into a thriving business.

Will it turn over? No.

Is this a good idea?

I'm turning up at the workshop
extra early because...

..I've got a TV channel coming in
to do a breakfast TV interview.

I'm not sure that the Cogs are going
to be generous to me about this,

cos to them, it's hilarious.

I'm just hoping they're not dancing
around in the background

while I'm on live TV or bearing
parts of their anatomy

and I wouldn't put it past them.

Mind you, I'm sure they'll agree
it's a prime opportunity

to tell the nation what we're up to.

Good morning, cars.

Oh, hello. Neil's in.

I wonder if they'll get proud and
make their workshop look nice?

Are you doing
what I think you're doing?

Yeah, I'm polishing my boots.

With black car paint? Yeah.

It's now a formal occasion, is it?
Yeah, weddings, funerals.

Looking real good.

It hasn't always been an advantage
to the business,

having a bloke off the telly in
the centre of it, if I'm honest.

Sometimes people got distracted by
that, or didn't take us seriously,

or didn't think
we were a real business.

But sometimes, like today,
it's a slight advantage.

We're not exactly drowning in work,

so with any luck, this TV interview
might help drum up some trade.

Camera? On the camera, yeah.
Right, then you must find a shot.

This is where two worlds collide,
really.

You've got Richard's world
and our world.

I guess they'll go, but it'll be
good. We'll just try our best.

Is this all yours?
It's all ours.

This is our new home. Very nice.

We're being invaded by television.

Yes, I think Ellie,
she's looking for the make-up room.

You'll probably need some? No!

Why not?
I'm not going to do make-up.

Do your sonic bits,
brush it all back.

You've got the wrong idea
about my line of work.

I don't float in
and have make-up put on.

Really? No! Really?Really.

Perhaps you should.

I'm going to be like Uri Geller
and I'm going to bend this spanner.

Oh, with the troops.

Are you enjoying yourselves?
Oh, yes.

Every morning,
this is how I work-out!

25 seconds, everybody.

Don't you worry about this,

there'll only be three or four
people watching it.

You have a new series of
"Richard Hammond's Workshop"

which is all about restoring
classic cars?

Yes, I should stress,
this is a real business.

If you can see in the background,

there's my team of elite engineers
and Ellie the dog.

Look at them! You see?
Just a crack squad.

Primed and ready for action.
Anything can come in here, now.

They're not doing anything! No!

Is that why the business
isn't making any money yet?

Oh, yeah! It could be a factor.

We do have a lot of fun but then,
sort of, mid-morning, we realise,

"Wait, nobody's doing anything
and the meter's still running."

Are we clear?
Yeah, it's gone quiet, yep.

Well, you bunch of silly idiots!

Who's going to bring a car to us now?

They're not going
to give to us muppets!

I never got to say my line.

You think we were going
to mic you up?

Any bit of advertising is good.

We'll be expecting, the phone to be
ringing off the wall in a minute.

If we had a website,
which we haven't,

if we did, if we had a website

and we had somebody
to answer the phone,

I'm sure it's going
to get very busy.

We do have some work,
sadly, not the easy kind.

We're restoring this rare,

British hand-built Alvis for
a loyal customer of Neil's,

but it's been languishing in a barn
for 15 years

and keeps revealing
new and nasty surprises.

Oh, dear.
This is pretty serious, I think.

You're good at woodwork, aren't you?
We knew it would be a lot of work,

but until you actually get
into the nitty-gritty of it

and get down to the bare bones
of the car,

you don't know what you've got.

So, stripping down the
Alvis engine now.

As you can see there,
just full of rust and crud.

This is what you get when you leave
an engine standing for so long.

We agreed to do the Alvis
at a discounted rate of 15 grand,

but each new problem is eating
into our budget and schedule.

It's not, like, there, yet, is it?
Not quite.

But this is a bit of, not a
calamity, half expected, but-

Where do we get one of these?
We was hoping you'd know that.

Oh, yeah. I'll go down
the wooden-bits-of-cars shop!

You might be able to get
a specialist.

But we'll have to make one.
We don't do wood!

What are we going to do next?
It could be worse.

This is not going to be
done in a week, is it? Not this week.

The Alvis is taking far longer
than anticipated,

but it pales into insignificance
compared to our other big job.

This is a 1953 Bentley

that we have been commissioned
to restore by Dean Kronsbein.

He's a businessman
who lives in the area.

Got in touch with me
because he's a massive car fan.

This is the most special of his many
because it's incredibly rare.

There's only one other in the world,
so this is completely irreplaceable

and this is exactly the kind of
prestige stuff I want us to do.

But we haven't started it.

It also sums up where we are with
the Cog right now.

We're getting gummed up
as a business.

This is what I want, jobs like this,
but we can't get to it.

So, that's one car untouched

and the other looking like
it could cost us money.

I thought having two prestigious
restoration jobs

would be great for business,

but right now, it feels
like the opposite is true.

Kamla's coming in and we're going
to have a forensic look-through

and say, "Right, where are we?"

I need to chat with them,
see what work they've got booked in.

Richard's put 280,000 in as loans,

but we're nowhere near
covering overheads.

He's still got a little way to go.

I've a horrible suspicion...

..that I'm going to have
to put more money in.

Here we are.
The sun's here to welcome me.

I don't think Richard will be!

Hey, Kamla!

Hello! Hello! How are you?

Have a seat. How are you, anyway?

Very well, thank you.

I'm braced... Business catch up?

..and ready; have glasses,
pen, and paper.

Here we go again another year.

Bad news being,

I know we spoke about overheads are
costing just under 20,000 a month.

The income on the labour
was just under 10,000.

So, we lost money last month. Yeah.

Could you put another 15K in?
That takes me to 300.

I honestly, right now,
think I've completely cocked up.

This is too expensive.

It's not going to cover its costs.
You haven't cocked up.

It's gonna keep costing me money.
You just need time.

It's getting the clients
through the door.

I think we really need
to have a target.

I think six months is our target,

of trying to hit enough
to cover our overheads

and then, start paying back
the loans.

To break even, that is.
Yeah, break even within six months.

Each of them needs to bill five
hours work a day, five days a week.

But they're a million miles from
booking five billable hours a day.

They are at the moment.

I just wanted to do cool stuff
with cars.

You can still do cool stuff
with cars.

I haven't got any cars.

I knew that I was approaching a mark,

beyond which I had to get
serious about it.

I mean, it's not a choice.

It's here because there's
three salaries to be paid,

three livings to be supported.

What I can't do is, end of today,

lock the doors, walk away,
and forget about it.

Like it or not,

I guess running a grown-up business
means grown-up responsibilities.

Still, at least it means I get to
come home every night and unwind.

Get those knees up, come on. Follow.

You know how to tie up a hay net?
Yes.

Why couldn't you take up
dirt biking or something?

Cos you didn't get a son.

Everything about horses has to be
done uncomfortably.

Are you done moaning? Right.
Stir each one as I go.

The green one first.
I quite like this bit.

Then the blue one.
It's like making mud pies.

Oh, god, stop faffing! Big circles!

Just go round! There you go.
Now, that one.

That's done. That's done!
It's not mixed.

What is it with horse women?
OK, stop, stop.

No, you're doing it wrong!

Why do I get this one?
He doesn't like me.

I'm being nice cos I've let you take
one that's not going to kill you.

Move and then,
just let go of the rope.

It's a car that puts itself
in the garage. That's brilliant!

His pajimba-jambas!
I love taking 'em out.

Look! With his pyjamas on.

But you know how you cross
the straps underneath?

Yes! I was just checking!

Sassy. Pyjamas!

How are you doing, dear?
Which one's to be done now?

Next one might be a bit of
a challenge.

This is the pony that taught
the girls to ride, this one.

She's very, very old.

But lots of people in the county,
their kids learn to drive her!

Right.
You've got to say goodnight to them.

Say, "Goodnight, Romeo.
Have a lovely sleep."

Goodnight, Romeo.
Have a lovely sleep.

Goodnight, Max. Have a lovely sleep.

Spirit, Megan. Have a lovely sleep.
And donkey.

Goodnight, Rosie the donkey.
Have a lovely sleep.

Daddy. Can we have Chinese?
Yes.

Mindy's coming in today.

From the off, she's had concerns
about me running a business,

so I've got to be on it.

We're on our way to have a look and
see if everything is respectable.

It feels like a visit from the hotel
inspector today

cos I know she's going to come in
and she's going to find fault.

I'm very much hoping that
the kitchen is working nicely

and that Richard has actually done
something with the upstairs area.

Mindy has been in before,

but she hasn't seen it
since it's been finished.

Is that her?

God, blimey, it whiffs in here!
That's filthy.

What is that?

I hope she doesn't go
in the cupboard under the sink.

Oh, God.

There's things in there she doesn't
want and need to see.

Mice. Excellent. Mice.

We need to have a little chat.
I'm in charge.

I'm going to stand my ground.

I'm going to be masterful.

It might not sound
like I'm masterful.

That's- Hello!

Hello. How are you? Come on in.

Richard, before we talk
about your office-

Before we talk about your office,

what on earth has gone on
in that kitchen?

I know. I think there is a mouse.
Think? Yeah, there is!

There's a family. I really think
there needs to be a cleaner.

You need a cleaner coming in.
That's money. It's gonna cost.

Richard, if you get mice in here
and they get into a car,

you can't get them out
and they'll eat through electrics.

You can't have that.
You raise a good point.

Is that where you sit Anthony?
Up against a worktop?

He's not going to be sitting
there. He's a mechanic.

It's just not really an office.
Let's be honest.

I didn't want it to be too showy.
Oh, it isn't showy.

You've achieved that!

Gosh, this has changed!

In all seriousness, you need to have
it looking a bit more professional

and downstairs, if I'd known
it was going to be that bad,

I'd have brought my marigolds.

She is right.

Somebody comes in here cold
and they will be cold,

how are we going to look after
their car if this is how we look?

Oh, why did I even think that?
It's so true.

OK. It's now ten to 2:00.

If you get me some lunch
that I want to eat,

which is really, really important,
I will clean that kitchen now.

No, I don't want you to. I do.

I don't want you to. I want to.

I'm going to push you
down the stairs.

I don't want you to do it

No, I'm doing it. No, shut up.
I don't want you cleaning it!

There isn't anything
to clean it with.

There is, I've seen it!
You're blind to cleaning products!

That's true. Get me a burger.

Min, that's too kind, though.
Get me a burger!

Oh, I feel bad.
That's a direct order.

I know one when I hear one.

Bleach, bleach, bleach, bleach.

Our little visitors have
to be coming from somewhere

and I have my suspicions.

This mouse thing, Mindy's right.

They eat old cars;

I can't run this place
if it's got a mouse infestation.

I wonder if my landlord
has the same problem?

Before I mention it to Hadrian,

I'm just going to have a little
scan, see if there's any evidence.

I mean, if I've got them,
I must have got them from him.

You know Hammond's running
around downstairs?

For what?

This is industrial espionage!

What I'm looking for is traps,
cos if there's traps,

it means he knows there's a problem
and I can just say,

"H, you've given me mice."

Where would I go if I was a mouse?

What are you doing mooching
about in the workshop?

Just getting to know
my neighbour's place more.

Seeing how you're doing...

It looked like you were looking
for something.

Do you ever have
any unwanted visitors?

You got a mouse problem? Yes.

Just go and buy a load of poison.
Right.

You got a poison licence, yeah?
What?

So, the mice are forcing me
to do admin.

Well, no, a bit more than that.

I haven't got time to do a licence
to learn how to put mouse poison.

Then, we have to ring a man. OK.

Do you know a man?
No, I know no rat catchers.

I haven't got rats, I've got mice.
No, but I got rats.

Is this one-upmanship now? Yes!

Everything's bigger here, mate.
Oh, yeah, even the rodents!

Right. I gotta get back to it.

Not that there's a lot
to get back to.

Well, I got a Land Rover out there

which is for an expedition
from London to New York.

Across the Channel,
going over the Barents Sea.

Straight down through Alaska,
Canada, North America.

When's it got to be done by?

As long as I can have it back
for Thursday next week,

we can carry on
and do the rest of the vehicle mods.

We got floats to put on it,
propeller, body-lift kit.

All of this has got to happen
after it's been painted,

so you can't let me down.

I mean, they've planned,
like, a year.

OK. Right. Got it?

Yeah. We'll do it. Good man.

That could have gone worse. Turns
out he does have a rodent problem.

Also, sounds like we have
a quick turnaround job to do.

So, we must do it.

He has to appreciate that I'm just
not Joe Bloggs off the street.

That vehicle's come to me

because we're a business and we have
to turn that job out on time.

Middle of next week, yeah?
It will be done, we're on it.

Cheers, H. Mind the mice.

I'm putting Anthony
in charge of the Land Rover,

so Neil and Andrew can continue
with the Alvis,

but for the next couple of days,

the lads are going to have to do
without me.

I'm in a good mood

cos I'm driving to my favourite
place in the entire world.

Buttermere, in the Lake District.
It doesn't get any better.

First came here when I was 17, doing
the coast-to-coast walk with my dog.

I met a young bloke, my age, who
lived at the farm in the village.

Loved cars, motorcycles, girls, beer.

Hills. Sheep.

And we've been mates ever since.

Talk less about girls these days,
but nothing's changed!

Good morning, Lou. Come on, then.

He's the same person I knew
30 years ago, pretty much.

We could always fire off at each
other, no one was ever offended,

and that's good friendship, then
and all my friends are like that.

So, I'm very fortunate.

His dad died not that long ago
and it hurt.

He was proper Lakeland farmer.
Formidable.

Right. Where is he?

He'll be where the noise is.

I'm here, then! Yes! Apparently!

Doesn't get any closer.

Mate, feed me some calves, will you?
I'm just going to get this cow off.

I'll get to work then, Les!
Nice to see you, by the way!

Blimey. Hello, Richard.

Nice to see you.
How was your journey, mate?

None of that conversation.
No, it doesn't happen.

When I rock up here,
it's kind of "Hello. Grab this.

Do that." All right!

You are disgusting drinkers.

Do you want cornflakes with
that or just, just milk?

Whoa! It's gone. You're not going
to get any more out of it.

You can put those, mate,
on the dairy floor, please,

and just down the bottom of the yard
there, there's a blue "barra".

Just fill it with hay and fetch it
up. Where is that barra?

On the midden, down the yard-
Midden.

Why do you speak in code? Barra!

He does muck in, bless him.

He does come
and muck in a little bit,

but he normally just leads me
to the flipping pub, to be fair.

He seems well and bouncy,
considering, he's lost his dad.

He seems all right.
They don't make a fuss.

Up on the hillside.

A farmer from the next valley
along came along and said "How do?"

"How is your dad?
I haven't seen him in a bit."

"Oh, he's in a home in Cocker mouth."
"Oh, buggered?" "Aye." That was it.

No need to say anything else
and I respect that.

You do this every day. Yeah.

I actually put on my nice jacket
for this trip.

I didn't realise I was going
to be straight into this.

You look happy.

I really enjoyed it.
That'll do, that'll do.

Go and tip it, get rid of it
and then, that'll do.

"Come up here with your funny city
ways and your London media nonsense.

Here, have this big bucket of-"

Changed my mind about breakfast.
Les, can we do some car stuff now?

and it's a passion he passed on
to Les.

It's not finished. No!

It is more together than
the last time I saw it.

Les, how long now is this?
This is 30 years, isn't it? Is it?

Yes! Well, its block's cracked.

So, it needs engine out.
And what else?

And then, it needs the brakes
sorting out

cos they're
practically non-existent.

And what are you going to do with it
when it's done?

When I started,
I always wanted to race.

Even just do it once or twice
might be good fun.

Cos it could be competitive.
It's actually quite peppy engine.

And it's a two-seater.

It's actually, I made it with
a cut-away at each side,

There was a bit more room.
If I get in the driver's seat-

You're not going to get
your little gut-

I get my one-pack in there.
Your one-pack's not going to go in!

Your party keg. That is borderline!

Look it! That is not-
Sheer bloody comfort is that.

Well, you can't crash.
That's for sure.

Hey, but look, we've got- Yep.

Oh, yeah, look,
that's spacious, mate!

We can even operate the fuel pump.
Pump-a-matic!

Hey, this would be really
convenient for two people.

You'd ask your passenger to do that.
Let me do it.

You could do it. Yeah.

This is going to look really weird
at traffic lights, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, INDISTINCT.
Hello. Carry on.

Will it turn over? No. It won't!

That was so emphatically not, "donk"!

That's all it's got in it.

Ideally, we want this steering
column shortened.

Do you not think one factor
in this might be

that you've extended
a bit further that way?

Well, I have, but I only got
the steering column in it,

what, three years ago?

What if, we go down to the workshop,
hit this thing really hard?

You're firing me up, mate.
With your blessing.

Are you having a laugh?
Stick it on a trailer.

You come stay with me. Right.

I don't think we'd be
talking about long.

OK, you're on.
Right, it's going to happen.

I just want to, mate,
imagine the time we'd have!

Giving it the rock-all. Yeah.

Have you seen this?

Oh, that's brilliant. It's beautiful.

In a certain light,
I could quite go for you.

You reckon. It looks pretty nice.

Everyone likes a small, little
round shepherd in a leather hat.

Do they?
I've never met anyone that did!

I've got to drill,
rip this off with my bare hands!

You've made a nice job of that.

I reckon a couple more years,
you'll be there, won't you?

Quick question. Yeah.
This has got to go back Wednesday

and I'm struggling on my own
to get this done.

So, is it worth us jumping off this,
to get it out the door quicker?

That's what he wanted, weren't it?
Quick jobs in and out?

Exactly. If I do it by myself,
I'll still be there next week.

This is juggling time now.
Coming off one job and onto another.

We've got to put the old Alvis
on hold.

Gonna take a bit of doing,
to be honest.

Trouble is there's stupid, stupid
things like this blinking door-lock.

Poking around Les' Riley
collection is a joy.

Oh, there it is!

This "rhapsody in blue" is a replica
of a 1930s Le Mans race car

that his dad built from scratch
and unlike the red car, it works.

OK, mate. Are you ready for off?
I'm ready for a drive!

I bet we look cool.
I think we will.

OK, man, we're off!

Oh, this is a bit better, mate.
Better, isn't it?

Cobwebs departing.
It does sound superb.

When your dad made this,
he "made it" made it, didn't he?

Cos none of these panels
are original, are they?

No, he made it. He just bought
some sheets of aluminium

he beat it over the bottom
of a piece of tree.

And the bonnet?

Yeah, he folded it with, like,
a long brush handle, really.

A trumpet-y downshift.

A lake!

I mean, yep! Bit of steam.

Oh, we're running out of fuel.
Oh, I haven't put the fuel on, Rich!

Oh, the freedom of the open road.
Oh, just a minute.

Oh, bugger.
I can't INDISTINCT reach either.

Is the fuel tap outside?
No, no, it's inside.

It's affected the drama
of our departure.

Oh, crikey.

I'd forgotten how lovely
this stretch of road is.

Oh, it's bumpy up here, though.

They say this is one of
the must-drive roads in England.

It's a surface like
a corrugated sheet!

Corrugated? Corrugated!

A certain amount of running
of the nose is occurring.

I've already had that.
I want a beer.

This Land Rover
is a particularly special car.

It's going to be fitted
with some flotation devices

to actually be driven
across the English Channel

and then, across the Bering Straits,

all the way down through
America to New York

and it'll be the only car that's
ever done that under its own steam.

If it achieves its goal,
which I hope it does,

it'll get a lot of attention.
We need to get it painted.

We need to get it gone and we
need to get back onto the Alvis.

These are what we call in the trade,
pre-Christmas overalls.

They have to be broken in.

I'm a bit nervous about this

it's not a very good colour
to paint.

He's painting a light colour
over top of a dark colour.

We could really do with it
coming out well,

cos we've run out of days, really.

We've got the Land Rover painted on
the day we said we'd get it painted.

The thing is,
you won't know till the morning,

but from what I can see,
it looks OK.

Ask Ellie. Ellie, who's been with me
many a night getting cars finished.

She'll be the judge of a good job.

People think they're just square
but they're not.

You've got curved panels,
square panels,

and you have to paint inside
the doors, so it's a bit tricky.

Next stage, now, is just to put
everything back on that we took off

and basically, just go round
any bits that we've missed.

Where's the bottom screw for that?

Hello, mate. Oh, hello, there.

You delivering my new car?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How can we help you with this?
I've got a spoiler.

So, sprayed the same colour.
Right, yeah.

If you can fit it, fit it.
But if not, then I can fit it.

But I just want you to spray it and
then, whatever goes from there.

Yeah. That's the look.

The priority for me is getting
a really good job.

Yeah.
But that's what we're going for.

You've come to the right place. We
can make sure it looks lovely. Yeah.

He was talking to his mate,
who's a mechanic,

and he'd heard about us
having this brand-new oven.

It's like all that investment
is starting to pay off.

So we're not going to have much time
on the Alvis this week, then?

This is a bit of a
spur-of-the-moment job.

I think we couldn't really say
no to it.

We could do this quite quickly.

We're using the facilities
we've got to the best advantage

and also, we're chuurning
over a bit of money.

When I get to the workshop,

I'd very much like to see
a Land Rover

resplendent in camel trophy yellow
with black arches and roof, done,

cos Hadrian needs that car
back today.

It's on a deadline.

It's nearly dark o'clock,
but we've got it sorted.

We're actually on target for once.

He doesn't even know
about the Porsche job.

I think he'll be surprised.

We got more jobs in and we got the
one he started, finished as well.

Right.

How do? It's yellow.

Looks nice.

Are you happy with it?
Yeah, it's all right.

It's the right colour now.

This car is going to be
utterly ruined.

It will be ruined. But it will look
smart up to that point.

Up to that point.
We got a Porsche in.

That would explain the Porsche!
What's that in for?

He actually brought it
in cos his friend said

"You should go to 'The Smallest Cog'
cos they've got a brand-new oven

"and they've got the top kit."
So, we've got two jobs in there.

How is Alvis?
Well, we haven't touched it.

Why not? We all jumped on this.

All of you on it?
To get this done in the time.

It was supposed to be
like a one or two-person job.

You'd have never have it done in the
time frame that he wanted it done.

Still, at least I've finally
got some invoices to prepare.

Come in. Mate, I didn't doubt you.

You sure? No, I did doubt you.
You did! I've done it. I'm staggered.

They can bill
for 36 and a half hours.

So, if I divide it by two for the
two days, that's 18.25 hours a day

and I divide that by three
for the three blokes-

Happy with that?
That was in, you made money!

We made money.
That's what it's all about.

As those hours added up, I thought
I was going to be saying,

"Now, Anthony, we've got to get
control of these hours!"

That was bang on!

OK with that? Thank you.

Two days, we've done.
No, we'll keep it up.

Bloody hell.

That was the opposite of what I was,
honestly!

This is the answer
to the Da Vinci code.

What we just did,
without even realising we'd done it,

was hit our target.

That sustains as a business.

And what better way to celebrate

than a weekend of messing
about in old cars.

The Herefordshire Vintage car trial
is happening right on my doorstep

and it's a perfect chance
to get out there

among my local car-loving brethren.

Vintage trialling is seeing
if you can get an antique

up a really steep, muddy, rocky hill.

It's off-roading.

I've seen it before,
I've never done it before,

but now we're going to do it

we're gonna do it in this Ford
Model A and they made millions.

It was built for a time

when roads were not
what we think of as roads now.

They use these a lot in vintage
trialling cos they're cheap

and cos you can get bits for them
cos they get broken.

Les has volunteered to come
and be my co-driver,

but I've still got two more spaces
in the car.

Can I interest you in doing a trial?

What do they do on a trial?

Well, you drive on the road
and you arrive at the next stage

and the stage is like quite off-road.

What do you mean off-road?
Dirt tracks? Yeah.

What's my involvement in this?

Well, you need other people just
to be in the car to give it grip.

It is brilliant fun.

So how many people
do you need in the team?

Well, you and a daughter,
if there's a daughter available?

Is it weather dependent?

Mindy, you're sitting there
covered in mud.

It's blowing a gale
and raining on and off.

You don't moan about that, ever.

Yes, but that's only
for brief window.

You were out there for an hour!
And we won't be in this case.

That's a complete and utter lie.
It's a lie.

We'll be there all day.

My thoughts are:
it's going to cost him

because I don't really fancy
spending a day

bouncing around in a very
uncomfortable vintage car

and getting very cold and wet.

all I need now is a support team
in case of breakdowns.

Doors are open.

Chaps? Hello.

Good news. Unique opportunity for,
I'm going to say two of you,

because I'm doing a vintage car trial

and I think having a couple of you
there as backup, just in case.

Do we get to go in the car or- No.

They're a good day out,
a bit of fresh air.

Bring a bag of tools, just in case.

So, how are we going to decide
who's going cos to be honest,

I don't really feel like it.

There's only one way to sort
this out though, ain't there?

We're gonna draw straws for it.

You can't be trusted INDISTINCT
cos I know he don't want to go.

I could just tell by his face.
I don't want to go.

I've worked my arse off this week!
It's my weekend off!

Whoever's got
the shortest one stays.

I don't want to pick a straw.

Oh, no.

My turn.

Oh, you got a long one.
You're taking the mick.

No!

Do best of three? No, no.
Deal's a deal.

Right, let's go. Feel like
I'm turning up to drive a race.

Well, you kind of are.

Hello, girls.

These are your stations.

It's a good job it isn't raining,
isn't it?

It's not raining today.
It's going to be a nice day.

OK. Are we ready for off? We are
good to go, yes. I'm ready.

No seatbelts.
I already feel exposed.

There is no seatbelt.

Right, we're going.

Experience of a lifetime!
You're excited!

Chooka-boom, chooka-boom,
chooka-boom.

I feel as though I'm sat in an
oversized toilet with my legs

dangling over the rim.

It looks like it's hard work, Les.
Well, I've driven easier things.

What a start! What a start!

Is there brakes on the INDISTINCT?

Oh, great brakes, great brakes.

See, you're loving it already.

You two all right back there?
My face is so cold.

To the left. Yeah.

I'm expecting to find my support
team already there.

They've been looking forward to this.

I don't want to be here, really.

It is good looking at the cars,
though

and I have got my other best hat on.

Whoa!

They have rather taken it over?
Yeah.

I don't know if we're supposed
to park here, but we have. Morning.

I haven't got a clue what's
going to happen to us today.

You see Anthony and Andrew

and you think, "Oh, it's nice to see
them on a day out." However, why?

Apparently, there are some
serious players here.

Like people who really go for it.
Why are they wearing Mexican hats?

Maybe they're the Mexican team?
Ours stands out a little bit.

Ours looks like a wedding car.

Theirs looks like "Mad Max."

People must be looking at this car
and thinking,

"Our cars are more,
sort of rough and ready."

I haven't briefed the girls in
as well as I might have done.

I haven't yet explained to them
that their job

is to bounce to provide the grip.

Yeah, I bottled that one,
but luckily my mate, Rob,

an authority on all things trialling
is here to give them the news.

If the wheels are spinning

and the engine's revving,
bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.

Bounce together.

Otherwise,
you look like popcorn going off.

Brilliant.
You in the mood for bouncing?

I can't wait.

We're on our way
to the first stage of many.

Toot, toot!

So, up to the main road
and then left.

Oh, my Lord!

Our brake's on the right.

I pressed the wrong pedal.
We nearly died, then!

What are we doing, walking a mile
in the mud on our day off?

Could have had
a lie-in this morning.

We're the support team, aren't we?
Think of the steps!

It's only another point four
of a mile.

And I ain't even got my wellies on.

We can't drive up here.

Your dad's gonna drive.
Oh, Christ!

Should have brought your boots
with you.

Visualising what we've gotta do.

'm anxious. I am, as well.
Are you? Yeah, very.

What a stupid thing
to be anxious about.

Well, not really.
Driving an old car up a hill.

I bet people get quite
an adrenaline rush from it.

I don't like adrenaline rushes.

I just don't want one.

I'm gonna get run over in a minute.

There's a car coming-
Oh, there it is.

Oh, look at this! Brilliant.

That is what it's about.

This is stupid.

Get crushed to death
by a Morris 7 now.

Thank you very much.

Any advice? Keep to the left.

Keep to the left, yeah.
Are you ready team?

Right, OK. Right, OK.

Oh, God, that was a bit-

Keep to the left. Keep to the left!
Watch out for the rut!

We're all right! Oh, my God!
Door came open!

I can't get out of this rut
on the left!

I'm gonna get heart attack!
Come on, little car!

Oh, big tree rut's coming up!

Bounce! Bounce!

Bounce, bounce, bounce!
Bounce like maniacs!

Can't see where I'm going!

This could be the top!
I think this is the top!

Are you ready? I can't see out!

Is that it?
We've got to stop, man.

I'm completely covered in mud!
Have we done it?

We did it! Where do we go now?

You taking me the wrong way here,

cos, like, these hills,
they don't look very hilly.

We haven't passed a trial car,
which is even more worrying.

Oh, which way now?

It's getting hillier, isn't it?
If we go that way, it's hillier.

This way I can't see.

Hey, yeah. Oh, a trial car!

I thought that was him, then.
It is the same colour.

I thought that was him.

Being here and seeing my mate, Rob,

in the thick of it,
has got me thinking.

Every car comes past, "Oh,
I repaired the radiator on that."

"Oh, I put that together."

That's why he's here.

Cos everybody wrecks it on the hill
and then, he sorts it out.

It's very clever and I know
you're thinking what I'm thinking.

I've given up. I haven't got a clue.

We've seen every trial car,
bar Richard's.

I never wore my lucky bobble hat.
That's probably why!

But, no.
Another trial car but not Richard.

Shall we have a nap?
Quite nice here in the sun, innit?

I could have a nap.
Yeah, I think I'll have a nap.

It's quite stressful. Very
stressful.

Oh, that's a view, isn't it?

Whoa. Hey, up!

Whoa, Dad! Oh, watch out!

Directional issues.
It's stop-start here.

Yeah. So, pull to a complete stop.

All right. We're going to have
to bounce up here, aren't we?

We wanna be left. Are we ready?
Yep! Bounce like idiots.

OK, come on then.
Bounce, bounce, bounce.

Hey!
Bounce, bounce, bounce, ow, bounce!

Oh, bloody hell, INDISTINCT!

I'm going to try,
see if it will start.

Just, are you ready? OK.

Go on. Ready?

Bounce, bounce-try bouncing.
Go on, mate.

Go on. Are you ready?
One, two, three.

Go on! Right!

Go on!

That's stuck. Knickers.

I'll go and get the guys.

By the time I find
my trusty mechanics,

Les and the girls
have decamped to the pub.

Right, if we go and
put this away, beers are on me.

I haven't seen you all day.

I've been busy upholding the fine
name of "The Smallest Cog".

It's amazing how you found us
when you got stuck though.

Oh, there she is. Yeah, I know.

It might go with a bit of a push.
Just try it.

Right.

Wa-hey! Nope!

Oh, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich!
Oh, it ain't coming out.

It ain't coming out.
Yeah, that had better be mud!

Sensing a lack of enthusiasm
right now.

Mate, it's soaking wet.
What are we even doing here?

We are passionate about cars.

We do it for work and we do it for
play and now this is play.

Just not at this time of night!

It's given me a rather
brilliant idea,

which I shall explain to you back
at the workshop.

What I want to hear is my bath
running and my bed calling.

I'm not going to explain it now

because I fear
you may not be receptive.

You worry me.

Business-wise, this is a genius idea.

What if we went racing as a Smallest
Cog Race Team in this MGB GT?

Ain't gonna be easy, though.
It's a few thousand.

You've already started on it,
haven't you? A bit.

Dad!
We've got to get rid of the mice.

What, electrocute it to death?

This is the garage not
"The Green Mile"!

We've nearly reached
the speed limit!