Rhoda (1974–1978): Season 1, Episode 25 - Along Comes Mary - full transcript
- MY NAME
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- OH, HI, RHODA.
- HI, ALICE.
OH. JOE'S INSIDE, RIGHT?
- NO,
HE'S STILL OUT WORKING,
BUT HE CALLED TO SAY HE'LL
BE HERE PRETTY SOON.
- IT FIGURES.
WHEN I HAD THE ABSOLUTE
WORST DAY OF MY LIFE
AND I REALLY NEED TO TALK
TO HIM, HE'S NOT HERE.
- YEAH, BUT, RHODA,
AT LEAST HE CALLED.
HE CALLED, HE CALLED.
I MEAN, MY EDDIE LEFT ME
3 1/2 YEARS AGO
AND HE STILL
HASN'T CALLED.
- ALICE, STOP.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DON'T TALK
ABOUT YOUR EX-HUSBAND AGAIN?
- AH,
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, RHODA.
I CAN TAKE IT.
BECAUSE I KNOW IN MY
HEART THAT SOME DAY
EDDIE'S COMING BACK.
HE'LL GO THROUGH MY DOOR,
GO TO HIS DRESSER,
PUT ON HIS NYU SWEATSHIRT, TAKE
ME IN HIS ARMS, AND SAY--
- WHERE YOU BEEN?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
RIGHT BEHIND ME.
- RHODA, THERE ARE
THREE RULES I LIVE BY.
I GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY,
I HONOR MY PARENTS,
FORGIVE ME,
FORGIVE ME, ALICE.
I JUST HAD SUCH A ROUGH DAY
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
THE FIRST THING THIS MORNING
ON THE SUBWAY, 9:00, RIGHT?
THIS OLD GUY, 80 YEARS OLD,
WEARING A BUTTON SAYING,
"KISS ME, I'M HOT"...
STARTS FOLLOWING ME
FROM CAR TO CAR. RIGHT?
SINGING "MOON RIVER."
- OHH.
OH, I LOVE THAT SONG.
- HEY,
BABE, SORRY I'M LATE.
- OH, THERE HE IS.
JOE, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
- TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY
WE EVER HAD IN THE JOB.
FOR SOME REASON EVERYTHING
SEEMED TO FALL
JUST THE RIGHT WAY.
- YEAH, DOWN.
- HI, JUSTIN.
THAT'S GOOD, YOU GUYS.
GOOD. LISTEN,
I GOT TO TELL YOU--
- ANYWAY, WE FINISHED TWO DAYS
EARLY AND WE REALLY MADE A LOT
OF MONEY AND I FEEL TERRIFIC.
SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
- COULDN'T BE BETTER.
JOYOUS, TERRIFIC,
EXTREMELY FANTASTIC.
- AND IT'S GOING TO GET
BETTER, BECAUSE, RHODA,
STARTING TOMORROW YOU
AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE
A THREE-DAY VACATION.
- OH,
THAT'S TERRIFIC, JOE!
- WHERE DO YOU WANNA GO?
- OH,
SKIING IN VERMONT, HUH?
- NOBODY'S GOING TO VERMONT.
THERE'S NO SNOW.
- GOOD,
I'LL BE THE CUTEST ONE THERE.
- YOU KNOW MY IDEA
OF A GREAT VACATION?
JUST CHECK INTO THE BEST
HOTEL IN TOWN FOR A WEEKEND.
THEN JUST SETTLE IN,
ORDER UP THE ROOM SERVICE,
BREAKFAST IN BED,
LOLLING AROUND,
SIPPING CHAMPAGNE, WATCHING
THE CITY LIGHTS BLINK.
- JUSTIN, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE SO ROMANTIC.
DENISE WILL LOVE THAT.
- OH,
DENISE CAN'T GO.
SHE'S GOT TO STAY HOME
AND WATCH THE KIDS.
- SO,
RHO, WHERE YA GONNA GO
FOR YOUR BIG WEEKEND?
- WE ARE MOTORING
UP THE COAST.
- YEAH?
- YEAH.
JOE'S OUT RENTING
A CAR RIGHT NOW, BREN.
WE'RE GOING TO CAPE COD.
- OH, HOW WONDERFUL!
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW,
THIS IS GOING TO BE
A PRETTY BIG WEEKEND
FOR ME, TOO.
- OH, YEAH?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL,
THIS IS THE FIRST WEEKEND
IN MY LIFE THAT I'M GONNA
HAVE TWO CONSECUTIVE DATES,
WITH TWO CONSECUTIVE GUYS.
DO YOU THINK I'M
BECOMING PROMISCUOUS?
- BRENDA, I CAN'T TELL YA
HOW I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS.
- OH, ME, TOO!
TONIGHT I'M GONNA GO SEE
"THE TOWERING INFERNO."
- YEAH?
- AND THEN, TOMORROW
NIGHT I'M GONNA GO SEE
"THE TOWERING INFERNO."
- TWICE?
TWO NIGHTS THE SAME MOVIE?
- WELL,
THEY BOTH WANTED TO SEE IT.
THEY'RE FIRST DATES.
WHAT AM I GONNA SAY?
THAT I'VE SEEN IT?
WHICH I HAVE.
- OH, NO.
- YEAH.
- BRENDA.
- YES.
- BY SATURDAY MORNING I'M GONNA
BE THE WORLD'S GREATEST EXPERT
ON MAJOR DISASTERS, AND IT
MAY NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH THE MOVIE.
- STOP IT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- RHODA!
YOU IN THERE?
- YEAH, MA, COME ON IN.
- HELLO, DARLINGS.
- HI.
- HI, MA.
HOW'D YOU GET BY CARLTON?
- NOT BY RHODA, OVER.
- MA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL, I WAS IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I THOUGHT I'D
JUST COME AND VISIT RHODA
ON THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE AND HER
HUSBAND TAKE OFF FOR
THEIR FIRST TRIP SINCE
THE HONEYMOON.
- MA,
WHY ARE YOU CARRYING
YOUR KNITTING BAG?
MA, COME ON,
WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
- NO, NO.
BEFORE WE GET INTO THIS NOW I
WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I THINK
THIS IS A TERRIFIC
THING YOU'RE DOING.
I THINK IT'S REALLY SWELL
YOU'RE TAKING THIS TRIP.
SO I BROUGHT YOU AND JOE
A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO, UH, HELP REKINDLE.
- REKINDLE?
WE'RE KINDLING
JUST FINE, MA.
A FLANNEL NIGHTGOWN?
MA, WHAT FOR?
- DRIVES MEN CRAZY.
- UH,
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
- IT'S MINE.
IT DRIVES YOUR FATHER WILD.
I ONLY WEAR IT ONCE A WEEK.
I MEAN,
HOW MUCH CAN YOU TAKE
OF A CRAZED ACCOUNTANT?
- HIYA, JOE.
- YOU BETTER NOT DRIVE
HIM WILD TOO EARLY.
- HEY,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I GOT SOME BAD
NEWS ABOUT OUR TRIP.
- NO, NO, NO.
THERE IS NO BAD NEWS.
THERE IS NO BAD NEWS.
WE HAVE PROBLEMS, WE
SOLVE THEM, WE CARRY ON.
NOW, WHAT IS THIS LITTLE
PROBLEM THAT YOU HAVE?
- WELL,
I FORGOT THAT IT'S MY WEEKEND
TO HAVE DONNIE.
WE CAN'T GO AWAY.
- OH, MY GOD.
- LISTEN, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO STAY HOME.
DONNIE CAN STAY WITH ME.
HE'S DONE IT BEFORE.
- OH,
GOOD, BRENDA, THAT'S GOOD.
- OH, NO.
MAYBE NOT SO GOOD.
I'VE GOT TWO DATES I'VE GOTTA
GET READY FOR THIS WEEKEND.
I THINK DONNIE'S TOO YOUNG
TO SEE A WOMAN IN PANIC.
- WELL,
I GUESS WE CAN'T GO AWAY.
- WELL,
I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY IS
IGNORING AN OBVIOUS SOLUTION.
I MEAN, THERE
IS A MOTHER HERE.
SOMEONE WHO WOULD LOVE
TO HAVE A LITTLE GUEST,
MAKE HIS DINNER,
FIX HIS ROOM.
OH, HE'LL HAVE
A WONDERFUL TIME.
MAYBE I CAN EVEN RENT
A LITTLE DOG.
- MA, NO, NO.
THANK YOU.
- WHY NO?
- I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO IT.
- NO,
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GO INTO IT.
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY
DONNIE CAN'T STAY WITH ME.
- WELL, MA--UM--
- NO,
NO, TELL ME ONE GOOD REASON.
- UM...
- MA,
LISTEN, MY DATE'S GONNA BE
HERE PRETTY SOON.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO COME DOWN AND MEET HIM.
- YEAH,
WELL, I'D LOVE THAT,
BUT I THINK WE BETTER
STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT FIRST.
TELL ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY--
- MA, YOU KNOW, KIND
OF LOOK HIM OVER.
I MEAN,
HE'S ONLY GONNA BE
HERE FOR A FEW MINUTES.
- YEAH.
WELL, LET'S GET
THIS STRAIGHT FIRST.
- OK, MA. OK, I MEAN,
HE'S NOTHING SPECIAL.
NO, HE'S JUST A REGULAR,
HANDSOME GUY
WITH A BRILLIANT FUTURE.
COULD BE BIG.
- I TELL YOU WHAT, WHEN YOU
TWO GET THIS FIGURED OUT
IN YOUR MINDS, GIVE ME A BUZZ,
I'LL BE DOWN IN HER APARTMENT.
WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS ONE?
NEVER MIND, I'LL ASK HIM
WHEN I SEE HIM MYSELF.
- DID YOU SEE WHAT MY LITTLE
SISTER JUST DID FOR US?
THE GIRL THREW HERSELF
ON A LIVE GRENADE.
- WELL,
I GUESS I'VE GOTTA DO WHAT
I'VE BEEN AVOIDING.
I'VE GOTTA CALL MARIAN
AND ASK HER TO SWITCH
WEEKENDS WITH ME.
- JOE,
DO YOU WANT ME TO
LEAVE THE ROOM?
- NO.
- OH, GOOD.
- HELLO, MARIAN?
HOW ARE YA?
OH, NOTHING, I WAS JUST
GONNA ASK YOU TO SWITCH
WEEKENDS WITH ME.
OH, YOU WILL?
IF I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO FOR YOU?
RHODA, DO YOU TAKE SHORTHAND?
- RHODA, RHODA,
WILL YOU HURRY UP?
COME ON.
- OK,
JOE, I'M HURRYING.
- CARLTON?
- HELLO, THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
- CARLTON, THIS IS JOE GERARD,
WE'RE GONNA BE DOWN
IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES AND I
HOPE YOU'RE WATCHING THAT CAR
THAT I RENTED.
- I AM WATCHING THE CAR,
AND SO ARE THREE OTHER GUYS.
THEY'RE ESPECIALLY
WATCHING YOUR HUBCAPS.
- CARLTON, WILL YOU GO OUT
AND GET THEM AWAY FROM THERE?
- SORRY,
THE STREET IS OUT
OF MY JURISDICTION.
- CARLTON!
COME ON!
- HOLD IT.
YOU'RE IN LUCK.
THEY'RE GONNA STRIP
MY CAR INSTEAD.
EXCUSE ME.
- OK, JOE.
I'M ALL PACKED.
I'LL BE READY IN
JUST ONE MINUTE.
- GOOD,
I WANNA CHECK THE LOCKS
ON THE DOORS AND THE WINDOWS.
- GOOD. AS SOON
AS I FILL THE THERMOS,
I'LL BE READY TO GO.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- OH, I'LL GET IT.
- SURPRISE!
- MARY!
- YES.
- OH, MARY!
WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?
- THE WEEKEND.
- OH!
- OH!
OH, MARY!
- OH, THE WEEKEND.
THE WHOLE WEEKEND?
- THE WHOLE WEEKEND.
- OH, MARY! JOE!
JOE, LISTEN, MARY'S
HERE FOR THE WEEKEND!
- I HEARD.
I HEARD.
- COME IN, COME IN.
OH, BOY, HOW--
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN NEW YORK?
- WELL--
- WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?
- WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
I GOT IN TOWN
A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO
FOR THIS BROADCASTING
CONVENTION, SEE,
AND I WASN'T REALLY
SURE I WAS GONNA HAVE
THE TIME TO SEE YOU.
BUT, ANYWAY, I GOT THROUGH
WITH ALL MY BROADCASTING STUFF
AND SO HERE I AM!
- OH,
MARY, IT'S SO SENSATIONAL.
I CAN'T TELL YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE REALLY HERE.
- ME NEITHER.
- ME EITHER.
- I MEAN, I HAVE NEVER
DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS
BEFORE, YOU KNOW.
BUT I THOUGHT, "WOULDN'T
IT BE FUN JUST TO POP IN
ON RHODA AND JOE JUST TO SEE
THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES?"
AND LOOK AT THE LOOKS
ON YOUR FACES.
I MEAN, RHODA, LOOK
AT THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE!
JOE, LOOK AT YOU!
AHH.
- IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU, MARY.
- OH, AND WOULD YOU LOOK
AT THIS APARTMENT!
RHODA, IT'S FANTASTIC!
- OH,
YEAH, IT'S A FAR CRY
FROM THE PINK AND PURPLE PASSION
PIT IN MINNEAPOLIS, RIGHT?
- YES. OH, BUT, RHODA,
IT'S STILL YOU.
- UNFORTUNATELY.
- OH, STOP.
- SO, MARY, THE WHOLE
WEEKEND, HUH?
- YEAH, UH-HUH.
BOY, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY
GONNA BE SICK OF ME, HUH?
- NO,
NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA
BE SICK OF YOU.
- HEY, LISTEN, I JUST
REALIZED SOMETHING.
I MEAN,
I TOOK AN AWFUL CHANCE
JUST BARGING IN.
YOU WEREN'T GOING TO DO
ANYTHING TONIGHT, WERE YOU?
- NO, NO, NOTHING. NOTHING.
- ALL RIGHT.
- I HAVE SAVED MONEY
FOR THIS TRIP.
NOW, TONIGHT IS ON ME,
YOU JUST PICK THE RESTAURANT.
JOE, WHAT'S THE BEST
PLACE YOU CAN THINK OF?
- THE LOBSTER BARREL.
- TERRIFIC. SEAFOOD!
WHERE IS IT?
- CAPE COD.
I'LL GO AND PUT THE CAR AWAY.
- JOE, NOW LISTEN--
- JUST FORGET IT, RHODA!
JUST FORGET IT!
- HEY,
RHODA, DID I COME
AT A BAD TIME?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, JOE SEEMED
A LITTLE UPSET.
- OH, THAT?
OH, HE'S NOT MAD.
OH, MA--
OH, BOY, I GOTTA EXPLAIN IT.
IT'S JOE OFFBEAT
SENSE OF HUMOR, MARE.
HE'S DOING A BIT, LIKE THAT
YOU ARRIVED AT THE WORST
POSSIBLE MOMENT.
YOU GET IT?
I MEAN,
HE'S PRETENDING LIKE WE WERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH.
AND THE PROBLEM IS, HE'S SO
GOOD AT IT, EVERYBODY TAKES
HIM SERIOUSLY.
EXCEPT FOR ME,
I KNOW HE'S KIDDING.
AND I CAN'T GET MAD
AT HIM BECAUSE IT'S
SO HYSTERICALLY FUNNY.
- YEAH, IT IS!
- YEAH.
- HYSTERICALLY FUNNY.
- SO, SO, COME ON,
TELL ME EVERYTHING.
HOW'S LOU AND MURRAY
AND TED AND PHYLLIS?
- OH,
FINE, FINE, FINE,
AND YOU KNOW HER.
- OH,
MARE, YOU LOOK SO FABULOUS.
- YOU, TOO.
- I AM SO--
- I CAN'T BE--
LISTEN, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANT TO ASK.
I'M GLAD JOE'S
OUT OF THE ROOM.
- WHAT?
- I CANNOT HELP NOTICING
THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN
YOURSELF A NEW BODY, MARY.
SINCE MY WEDDING, YOU HAVE
GONE FROM THIN TO VOLUPTUOUS.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
- WELL,
I GAINED 12 POUNDS.
- HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO GAIN
IT IN ONLY EROGENOUS ZONES?
- OH, WILL YOU--
- IT'S TRUE.
- I DID NOT!
I DID NOT!
- IT'S TRUE.
- RHO! RHO,
YOU STILL HERE?
- OH, BRENDA?
- YEAH.
- COME ON IN.
- I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOOD--
- BRENDA, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
MARY'S COME FOR THE WEEKEND.
WE'RE THRILLED ABOUT IT.
JUST SAY HELLO.
- HELLO, MARY.
- BRENDA.
- HI.
- GEE, YOU LOOK GREAT!
HEY, YOU LOST SOME
WEIGHT, DIDN'T YOU?
- YEAH, 12 POUNDS.
- NO KIDDING!
I GAINED 12.
- OH,
BOY, FUNNY HOW MUCH BETTER
THEY LOOK ON YOU
THAN THEY DID ON ME.
SO, UH, MARY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN TOWN?
- WELL, I GOT IN TOWN
FOR A CONVENTION.
BUT NOW I'M FREE
FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND.
- OH, HOW TERRIFIC
FOR RHODA AND JOE!
ARE YOU GONNA BE
STAYING HERE WITH THEM?
- OH, NO, I'M AT A HOTEL.
- WELL, THAT'S STUPID, MARE,
COME AND STAY WITH US.
- NO, NO, I DON'T WANT
TO BE IN YOUR WAY.
- THEN BE IN MY WAY.
SURE, IT'LL BE FUN.
LOOK WHAT FOUR YEARS OF BEING
AROUND YOU DID FOR RHODA.
- OH.
- ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR,
IF YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.
OK, I'LL GO TO THE
HOTEL AND GET MY STUFF.
- MARY, YOU SEE THIS?
I'M LIVING UPSTAIRS
FROM YOU AGAIN, KID.
- AH, YEAH.
- I JUST GOT A $25
PARKING TICKET!
THAT'S ALL!
- HE KILLS ME!
THAT'S IT.
- THAT'S HIS SENSE OF HUMOR.
- YOU KNOW, IF WE WOULD'VE
LEFT 10 MINUTES EARLIER,
WE WOULD HAVE MISSED MARY
AND BEEN ON OUR WAY
TO CAPE COD RIGHT NOW.
- AND IF YOU HADN'T OVERSLEPT,
WE COULD HAVE LEFT
AN HOUR EARLIER.
- HEY,
DON'T PICK ON ME!
IF YOU WOULD'VE TOLD MARY,
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN ON OUR WAY
NOW, RHODA.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MARY?
- JOE,
I COULDN'T TELL MARY THAT
SHE RUINED
OUR WEEKEND PLANS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW SHE'D
REACT IF SHE KNEW THAT?
- OH, RHODA, COME ON!
- JOE, I'M SERIOUS.
SHE'D BE EATEN UP BY GUILT.
SHE'D GO OFF THE DEEP END.
YEAH. START DROWNING HER SORROWS
IN MILK AND FIG NEWTONS.
[INDISTINCT]
START SAYING THINGS LIKE,
"GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
AND "OH, YEAH!"
- OH, RHODA.
- AND IT WOULDN'T
END THERE, JOE.
I MEAN, A COUPLE
OF MONTHS WOULD GO BY
AND MARY WOULD BE A DERELICT.
SURE, SHE'D BE DRINKING
BEER AND PLAYING DARTS
WITH THE BOYS.
CALLING "LOU, LOU," WEARING
SWEATERS WITH FUZZ BALLS.
DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR
CONSCIENCE, JOSEPH GERARD?
BECAUSE I DON'T.
NO, SIR.
- WHAT I DO WANT IS FOR YOU TO
TELL MARY THAT WE HAVE PLANS
FOR THE WEEKEND.
- I CAN'T.
- IF YOU CAN'T TELL
HER, THEN I WILL.
- NO, NO, NOBODY'S
GONNA TELL HER ANYTHING.
NOW, COME ON, JOE, WE'RE
TOUGHER, WE CAN TAKE IT.
- RHODA,
I WANNA GO AWAY THIS WEEKEND
WITH MY WIFE!
- OH,
DON'T START USING "MY WIFE"
LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW
I WANNA SCREAM WHEN YOU
USE "WIFE" LIKE THAT.
- USE "WIFE" LIKE WHAT?
WHAT ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT HERE?
- YOU KNOW WHAT
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT
POSSESSION THING, "MY WIFE."
- WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU TELLING
ME WHAT WORDS I CAN USE?
- I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING
THAT DRIVES ME UP THE WALL.
- BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE
TO TELL ME WHAT WORDS TO USE,
PARTICULARLY MY WIFE!
[NO AUDIO]
- HEY,
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!
WHAT TIME DID YOU SAY YOUR
DATE WAS PICKING YOU UP?
- 7:30.
- WELL, AREN'T YOU
A LITTLE EARLY?
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT'S
ONLY 6:30?
- OH, I DID IT AGAIN!
I PEAKED TOO EARLY.
[BUZZER]
- YES, CARLTON?
- YES,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
YOUR MOTHER'S ON HER WAY UP.
- OH, THANKS.
- SAY,
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD
TALK TO THE HOT
NUMBER UP THERE?
- UH, MARY, I BELIEVE
IT'S FOR YOU.
- YEAH. JUST...
- HELLO?
- HI.
YOU WANNA GO OUT SOMETIME?
- WHAT?
- WELL,
YOU'RE NEW IN TOWN, YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR FUN.
HOW ABOUT IT?
WILL YOU MEET ME AT 7:30?
- NO,
I WILL NOT MEET YOU AT 7:30.
- WHEN THEN?
- NEVER.
- SEE YOU THEN.
- MARY, DON'T PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO HIM.
HE'S WEIRD.
- I'LL SAY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I CAME IN,
HE THREW HIS COAT DOWN
FOR ME TO WALK OVER.
- OH,
WAS HE IN IT AT THE TIME?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- MARY!
- MRS. MORGENSTERN!
- IT IS WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU!
- GOOD TO SEE YOU!
- AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL
BAD ABOUT NOT COMMUNICATING
OR WRITING TO ME
SINCE THE WEDDING.
- OH,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
I KNOW. IT'S JUST THAT I GOT,
YOU KNOW, REALLY BUSY,
AND I JUST--I HAVEN'T--
I'M JUST...
WELL, I JUST FEEL TERRIBLE.
- AH, THAT'S NICE.
BRENDA, I'D LIKE TO
SPEAK TO MARY ALONE.
- MA,
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT
YOU JUST WALKED INTO MY HOUSE
AND ORDERED ME OUT WITHOUT
EVEN A "PLEASE, EXCUSE ME"?
- BRENDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOWING OFF IN FRONT OF MARY?
- MA, I'M RIGHT.
AREN'T I RIGHT?
- SHE DOES HAVE A POINT,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
- YOU PUT ON A FEW POUNDS,
HAVEN'T YOU, MARY?
BRENDA, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY
IF WE'VE INCONVENIENCED
YOU BY BEING HERE.
PERHAPS WE COULD GO INTO
THE ELEVATOR AND STOP BETWEEN
FLOORS AND TALK.
- CONGRATULATIONS, MA.
YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE
AN INTRUDER IN MY OWN HOUSE.
- OH,
DON'T BE SILLY, BRENDA.
THIS IS YOUR HOME
AND I'M JUST A GUEST.
- GEE,
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU!
- AH, YES, IT IS.
- COME ON. SIT DOWN.
- OK. TELL ME, MARY, HOW'S
EVERYTHING GOING?
- OH, PRETTY GOOD.
- YEAH?
- I'M A PRODUCER NOW.
OF COURSE, I'M DOING PRETTY
MUCH THE SAME STUFF I DID
WHEN I WAS JUST THE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER, YOU KNOW,
BUT, STILL--I MEAN,
I REALLY LOVE IT.
YOU KNOW, I DO.
I LOVE THE SOUND OF IT--
MARY RICHARDS, PRODUCER.
- YOU'RE WRECKING
RHODA'S MARRIAGE.
WHY DO WE HAVE THIS
TROUBLE COMMUNICATING?
I SAID YOU'RE WRECKING
RHODA'S MARRIAGE.
- HOW AM I DOING THIS?
- WELL,
I CAN'T TELL YOU
BECAUSE EVERYBODY HAS MADE
ME PROMISE I WOULDN'T SAY
ANYTHING TO YOU.
- BUT I AM WRECKING
RHODA'S MARRIAGE?
- MM-HMM.
- IN A WAY THAT YOU
CAN'T TELL ME ABOUT.
- YOU GOT IT, MARY.
SO CUT IT OUT.
- CUT WHAT OUT?
- I AM NOT
SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU.
- WELL,
THEN I CAN'T HELP YOU, CAN I?
- WELL,
THEN, WE'RE AT A STANDSTILL
BECAUSE I--I NEVER BREAK MY
WORD AND I PROMISED THEM THAT
I WOULDN'T SAY
ANYTHING TO YOU.
- "YOU SPOILED RHODA
AND JOE'S VA--"
- AH, IT'S OUT OF INK.
- I SPOILED RHODA
AND JOE'S VA...
- KAY.
- VAYKAY.
- RIGHT.
- VAYKAY.
- TION.
- TION.
VACATION.
VACATION.
I SPOILED RHODA
AND JOE'S VACATION!
I DID?
- IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE
TO KEEP A SECRET THESE DAYS.
- OHH!
- BRENDA, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE
MARY DOWN THERE ALONE WITH MA?
YOU KNOW SHE'S GONNA TELL HER.
- RHODA, WHAT COULD I DO?
MA FORCED ME OUT
OF MY OWN APARTMENT.
I ONLY HOPE HER TALK
DOESN'T TAKE TOO LONG
BECAUSE MY DATE'S DUE SOON.
- SO HE'LL WAIT
FOR YOU, KID.
- I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S A BLIND DATE.
HE'S NEVER SEEN ME.
AND IF I'M NOT THERE, HE'S
GOING TO WALK IN AND HE'S
GOING TO SEE MARY AND I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THEM
WHEN THEY GET EXCITED.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- RHODA!
- HI, MARE.
- RHODA, THERE IS SOMETHING
TERRIBLE GOING ON HERE.
- MY DATE MUST BE HERE.
- DAMN IT, RHODA!
I THOUGHT YOU AND I
WERE BEST FRIENDS!
- WE ARE, MARE!
- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
THAT YOU AND JOE WERE GOING
AWAY ON A VA-KAY-TION?
- WHAT?
- VACATION.
- OH, COME ON,
RHODA, WHY DON'T YOU
EXPLAIN IT TO MARY?
- I MEAN, RHODA, COME ON,
WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE TO
SOMEBODY, THEN YOU CAN
TELL THEM ANYTHING.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO SAY TO YOU, KID.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
- YOU BET SHE'S RIGHT.
AND NOT JUST RIGHT, THIS IS
THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF RIGHT
WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT RIGHT HERE.
- I GUESS I HAVE TO LEARN WHEN
YOU'RE CLOSE TO SOMEBODY,
YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST.
WHAT AM I SAYING?
I KNOW THAT.
THE TRUTH IS I DIDN'T
TELL THE TRUTH.
I WAS TRYING TO BE KIND
AND CONSIDERATE AND NICE,
INSTEAD OF SAYING WHAT
I REALLY WANTED TO DO
THIS WEEKEND.
MARY, I'M SORRY.
I WAS WRONG.
AND I MUST CORRECT
IT RIGHT NOW.
JOE, I WANT TO SPEND
THE WEEKEND WITH MARY.
- WHAT?
- YEAH.
- RHODA?
NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO GO WITH JOE.
UH...
- JOE,
LISTEN, I KNOW THIS ISN'T
TERRIFIC FOR YOU TO HEAR,
BUT I SEE YOU ALL THE TIME
AND I NEVER GET TO SEE MARE.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T
TELL YOU BEFORE.
I WAS AFRAID.
I MEAN,
BUT WE CAN HAVE A WEEKEND
TOGETHER ANY TIME AND
WHO KNOWS WHEN I'LL SEE
MARY AGAIN.
- OK,
OK, RHODA, I'M GOING
DOWNSTAIRS AND I'M GOING
TO CATCH THE FIRST PLANE
- BACK TO MINNEAPOLIS.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT!
- JOE, I AM SO SORRY.
- NO,
NO, NO, DON'T BE SORRY!
JOE, YOU UNDERSTAND THIS!
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
- WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE
TOLD ME THIS THIS MORNING?
- YOU WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD?
- NO,
I WOULD HAVE BEEN MAD AS HELL,
BUT I WOULD'VE BEEN
OVER IT BY NOW.
I'M GOING OUT FOR A WHILE.
- JOE, ARE YOU OK?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A WHILE.
- OH,
RHODA, I FEEL JUST TERRIBLE!
- IT'S OK, IT'S OK!
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- SURE IT IS.
- COMING IN HERE UNANNOUNCED.
- IT'S FINE.
IT'S NO PROBLEM!
- RUINING YOUR PLANS
FOR A VACATION.
- NO,
YOU DIDN'T RUIN A THING.
- NOT ONLY THAT,
BUT CAUSING A FIGHT...
- YOU DIDN'T CAUSE A FIGHT.
- BETWEEN YOU AND JOE.
YES, I DID.
- WHAT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, MARY,
IS THIS IS GOOD
FOR A MARRIAGE.
- IT IS?
- I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
- HEY,
YOU KNOW, THIS IS GONNA BE
A FUN WEEKEND AFTER ALL.
DONNIE AND I HAVEN'T BEEN
FISHING IN OVER A YEAR.
- AH, JOE, SAY HELLO TO
DONNIE FOR ME, WILL YA?
AND, LISTEN, YOU,
I'LL MISS YOU.
I WILL.
- OH, AND MARY, IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- OH, THANKS, JOE.
IT WAS GOOD TO
SEE YOU, TOO.
- AND,
LISTEN, COME BACK REAL SOON,
AND I MEAN THAT.
ONLY, MARY, NEXT TIME--
- UH, CALL FIRST.
- CALL FIRST.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- WHO IS IT?
- THIS IS CARLTON
AT YOUR DOOR.
- OH, OOH!
I ASKED CARLTON, YOU KNOW,
TO COME UP AND HELP YOU DOWN
TO THE CAR WITH YOUR STUFF.
- OH,
THANKS, BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT,
I'LL BE ABLE TO
MANAGE BY MYSELF.
- OH, OK.
NEVER MIND, CARLTON,
HE'LL DO IT HIMSELF.
- YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SEEN
YOUR APARTMENT.
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN?
- IS THERE A TIP IN IT FOR ME?
- NO!
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX,
NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FELT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER
LIKING THAT LIKED ME
BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS
ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF
THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO
THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO
MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD,
AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- OH, HI, RHODA.
- HI, ALICE.
OH. JOE'S INSIDE, RIGHT?
- NO,
HE'S STILL OUT WORKING,
BUT HE CALLED TO SAY HE'LL
BE HERE PRETTY SOON.
- IT FIGURES.
WHEN I HAD THE ABSOLUTE
WORST DAY OF MY LIFE
AND I REALLY NEED TO TALK
TO HIM, HE'S NOT HERE.
- YEAH, BUT, RHODA,
AT LEAST HE CALLED.
HE CALLED, HE CALLED.
I MEAN, MY EDDIE LEFT ME
3 1/2 YEARS AGO
AND HE STILL
HASN'T CALLED.
- ALICE, STOP.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DON'T TALK
ABOUT YOUR EX-HUSBAND AGAIN?
- AH,
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, RHODA.
I CAN TAKE IT.
BECAUSE I KNOW IN MY
HEART THAT SOME DAY
EDDIE'S COMING BACK.
HE'LL GO THROUGH MY DOOR,
GO TO HIS DRESSER,
PUT ON HIS NYU SWEATSHIRT, TAKE
ME IN HIS ARMS, AND SAY--
- WHERE YOU BEEN?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
RIGHT BEHIND ME.
- RHODA, THERE ARE
THREE RULES I LIVE BY.
I GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY,
I HONOR MY PARENTS,
FORGIVE ME,
FORGIVE ME, ALICE.
I JUST HAD SUCH A ROUGH DAY
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
THE FIRST THING THIS MORNING
ON THE SUBWAY, 9:00, RIGHT?
THIS OLD GUY, 80 YEARS OLD,
WEARING A BUTTON SAYING,
"KISS ME, I'M HOT"...
STARTS FOLLOWING ME
FROM CAR TO CAR. RIGHT?
SINGING "MOON RIVER."
- OHH.
OH, I LOVE THAT SONG.
- HEY,
BABE, SORRY I'M LATE.
- OH, THERE HE IS.
JOE, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
- TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY
WE EVER HAD IN THE JOB.
FOR SOME REASON EVERYTHING
SEEMED TO FALL
JUST THE RIGHT WAY.
- YEAH, DOWN.
- HI, JUSTIN.
THAT'S GOOD, YOU GUYS.
GOOD. LISTEN,
I GOT TO TELL YOU--
- ANYWAY, WE FINISHED TWO DAYS
EARLY AND WE REALLY MADE A LOT
OF MONEY AND I FEEL TERRIFIC.
SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
- COULDN'T BE BETTER.
JOYOUS, TERRIFIC,
EXTREMELY FANTASTIC.
- AND IT'S GOING TO GET
BETTER, BECAUSE, RHODA,
STARTING TOMORROW YOU
AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE
A THREE-DAY VACATION.
- OH,
THAT'S TERRIFIC, JOE!
- WHERE DO YOU WANNA GO?
- OH,
SKIING IN VERMONT, HUH?
- NOBODY'S GOING TO VERMONT.
THERE'S NO SNOW.
- GOOD,
I'LL BE THE CUTEST ONE THERE.
- YOU KNOW MY IDEA
OF A GREAT VACATION?
JUST CHECK INTO THE BEST
HOTEL IN TOWN FOR A WEEKEND.
THEN JUST SETTLE IN,
ORDER UP THE ROOM SERVICE,
BREAKFAST IN BED,
LOLLING AROUND,
SIPPING CHAMPAGNE, WATCHING
THE CITY LIGHTS BLINK.
- JUSTIN, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE SO ROMANTIC.
DENISE WILL LOVE THAT.
- OH,
DENISE CAN'T GO.
SHE'S GOT TO STAY HOME
AND WATCH THE KIDS.
- SO,
RHO, WHERE YA GONNA GO
FOR YOUR BIG WEEKEND?
- WE ARE MOTORING
UP THE COAST.
- YEAH?
- YEAH.
JOE'S OUT RENTING
A CAR RIGHT NOW, BREN.
WE'RE GOING TO CAPE COD.
- OH, HOW WONDERFUL!
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW,
THIS IS GOING TO BE
A PRETTY BIG WEEKEND
FOR ME, TOO.
- OH, YEAH?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL,
THIS IS THE FIRST WEEKEND
IN MY LIFE THAT I'M GONNA
HAVE TWO CONSECUTIVE DATES,
WITH TWO CONSECUTIVE GUYS.
DO YOU THINK I'M
BECOMING PROMISCUOUS?
- BRENDA, I CAN'T TELL YA
HOW I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS.
- OH, ME, TOO!
TONIGHT I'M GONNA GO SEE
"THE TOWERING INFERNO."
- YEAH?
- AND THEN, TOMORROW
NIGHT I'M GONNA GO SEE
"THE TOWERING INFERNO."
- TWICE?
TWO NIGHTS THE SAME MOVIE?
- WELL,
THEY BOTH WANTED TO SEE IT.
THEY'RE FIRST DATES.
WHAT AM I GONNA SAY?
THAT I'VE SEEN IT?
WHICH I HAVE.
- OH, NO.
- YEAH.
- BRENDA.
- YES.
- BY SATURDAY MORNING I'M GONNA
BE THE WORLD'S GREATEST EXPERT
ON MAJOR DISASTERS, AND IT
MAY NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH THE MOVIE.
- STOP IT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- RHODA!
YOU IN THERE?
- YEAH, MA, COME ON IN.
- HELLO, DARLINGS.
- HI.
- HI, MA.
HOW'D YOU GET BY CARLTON?
- NOT BY RHODA, OVER.
- MA,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL, I WAS IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I THOUGHT I'D
JUST COME AND VISIT RHODA
ON THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE AND HER
HUSBAND TAKE OFF FOR
THEIR FIRST TRIP SINCE
THE HONEYMOON.
- MA,
WHY ARE YOU CARRYING
YOUR KNITTING BAG?
MA, COME ON,
WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
- NO, NO.
BEFORE WE GET INTO THIS NOW I
WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I THINK
THIS IS A TERRIFIC
THING YOU'RE DOING.
I THINK IT'S REALLY SWELL
YOU'RE TAKING THIS TRIP.
SO I BROUGHT YOU AND JOE
A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO, UH, HELP REKINDLE.
- REKINDLE?
WE'RE KINDLING
JUST FINE, MA.
A FLANNEL NIGHTGOWN?
MA, WHAT FOR?
- DRIVES MEN CRAZY.
- UH,
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
- IT'S MINE.
IT DRIVES YOUR FATHER WILD.
I ONLY WEAR IT ONCE A WEEK.
I MEAN,
HOW MUCH CAN YOU TAKE
OF A CRAZED ACCOUNTANT?
- HIYA, JOE.
- YOU BETTER NOT DRIVE
HIM WILD TOO EARLY.
- HEY,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I GOT SOME BAD
NEWS ABOUT OUR TRIP.
- NO, NO, NO.
THERE IS NO BAD NEWS.
THERE IS NO BAD NEWS.
WE HAVE PROBLEMS, WE
SOLVE THEM, WE CARRY ON.
NOW, WHAT IS THIS LITTLE
PROBLEM THAT YOU HAVE?
- WELL,
I FORGOT THAT IT'S MY WEEKEND
TO HAVE DONNIE.
WE CAN'T GO AWAY.
- OH, MY GOD.
- LISTEN, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO STAY HOME.
DONNIE CAN STAY WITH ME.
HE'S DONE IT BEFORE.
- OH,
GOOD, BRENDA, THAT'S GOOD.
- OH, NO.
MAYBE NOT SO GOOD.
I'VE GOT TWO DATES I'VE GOTTA
GET READY FOR THIS WEEKEND.
I THINK DONNIE'S TOO YOUNG
TO SEE A WOMAN IN PANIC.
- WELL,
I GUESS WE CAN'T GO AWAY.
- WELL,
I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY IS
IGNORING AN OBVIOUS SOLUTION.
I MEAN, THERE
IS A MOTHER HERE.
SOMEONE WHO WOULD LOVE
TO HAVE A LITTLE GUEST,
MAKE HIS DINNER,
FIX HIS ROOM.
OH, HE'LL HAVE
A WONDERFUL TIME.
MAYBE I CAN EVEN RENT
A LITTLE DOG.
- MA, NO, NO.
THANK YOU.
- WHY NO?
- I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO IT.
- NO,
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GO INTO IT.
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY
DONNIE CAN'T STAY WITH ME.
- WELL, MA--UM--
- NO,
NO, TELL ME ONE GOOD REASON.
- UM...
- MA,
LISTEN, MY DATE'S GONNA BE
HERE PRETTY SOON.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO COME DOWN AND MEET HIM.
- YEAH,
WELL, I'D LOVE THAT,
BUT I THINK WE BETTER
STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT FIRST.
TELL ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY--
- MA, YOU KNOW, KIND
OF LOOK HIM OVER.
I MEAN,
HE'S ONLY GONNA BE
HERE FOR A FEW MINUTES.
- YEAH.
WELL, LET'S GET
THIS STRAIGHT FIRST.
- OK, MA. OK, I MEAN,
HE'S NOTHING SPECIAL.
NO, HE'S JUST A REGULAR,
HANDSOME GUY
WITH A BRILLIANT FUTURE.
COULD BE BIG.
- I TELL YOU WHAT, WHEN YOU
TWO GET THIS FIGURED OUT
IN YOUR MINDS, GIVE ME A BUZZ,
I'LL BE DOWN IN HER APARTMENT.
WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS ONE?
NEVER MIND, I'LL ASK HIM
WHEN I SEE HIM MYSELF.
- DID YOU SEE WHAT MY LITTLE
SISTER JUST DID FOR US?
THE GIRL THREW HERSELF
ON A LIVE GRENADE.
- WELL,
I GUESS I'VE GOTTA DO WHAT
I'VE BEEN AVOIDING.
I'VE GOTTA CALL MARIAN
AND ASK HER TO SWITCH
WEEKENDS WITH ME.
- JOE,
DO YOU WANT ME TO
LEAVE THE ROOM?
- NO.
- OH, GOOD.
- HELLO, MARIAN?
HOW ARE YA?
OH, NOTHING, I WAS JUST
GONNA ASK YOU TO SWITCH
WEEKENDS WITH ME.
OH, YOU WILL?
IF I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO FOR YOU?
RHODA, DO YOU TAKE SHORTHAND?
- RHODA, RHODA,
WILL YOU HURRY UP?
COME ON.
- OK,
JOE, I'M HURRYING.
- CARLTON?
- HELLO, THIS IS CARLTON,
YOUR DOORMAN.
- CARLTON, THIS IS JOE GERARD,
WE'RE GONNA BE DOWN
IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES AND I
HOPE YOU'RE WATCHING THAT CAR
THAT I RENTED.
- I AM WATCHING THE CAR,
AND SO ARE THREE OTHER GUYS.
THEY'RE ESPECIALLY
WATCHING YOUR HUBCAPS.
- CARLTON, WILL YOU GO OUT
AND GET THEM AWAY FROM THERE?
- SORRY,
THE STREET IS OUT
OF MY JURISDICTION.
- CARLTON!
COME ON!
- HOLD IT.
YOU'RE IN LUCK.
THEY'RE GONNA STRIP
MY CAR INSTEAD.
EXCUSE ME.
- OK, JOE.
I'M ALL PACKED.
I'LL BE READY IN
JUST ONE MINUTE.
- GOOD,
I WANNA CHECK THE LOCKS
ON THE DOORS AND THE WINDOWS.
- GOOD. AS SOON
AS I FILL THE THERMOS,
I'LL BE READY TO GO.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- OH, I'LL GET IT.
- SURPRISE!
- MARY!
- YES.
- OH, MARY!
WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?
- THE WEEKEND.
- OH!
- OH!
OH, MARY!
- OH, THE WEEKEND.
THE WHOLE WEEKEND?
- THE WHOLE WEEKEND.
- OH, MARY! JOE!
JOE, LISTEN, MARY'S
HERE FOR THE WEEKEND!
- I HEARD.
I HEARD.
- COME IN, COME IN.
OH, BOY, HOW--
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN NEW YORK?
- WELL--
- WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?
- WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
I GOT IN TOWN
A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO
FOR THIS BROADCASTING
CONVENTION, SEE,
AND I WASN'T REALLY
SURE I WAS GONNA HAVE
THE TIME TO SEE YOU.
BUT, ANYWAY, I GOT THROUGH
WITH ALL MY BROADCASTING STUFF
AND SO HERE I AM!
- OH,
MARY, IT'S SO SENSATIONAL.
I CAN'T TELL YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE REALLY HERE.
- ME NEITHER.
- ME EITHER.
- I MEAN, I HAVE NEVER
DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS
BEFORE, YOU KNOW.
BUT I THOUGHT, "WOULDN'T
IT BE FUN JUST TO POP IN
ON RHODA AND JOE JUST TO SEE
THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES?"
AND LOOK AT THE LOOKS
ON YOUR FACES.
I MEAN, RHODA, LOOK
AT THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE!
JOE, LOOK AT YOU!
AHH.
- IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU, MARY.
- OH, AND WOULD YOU LOOK
AT THIS APARTMENT!
RHODA, IT'S FANTASTIC!
- OH,
YEAH, IT'S A FAR CRY
FROM THE PINK AND PURPLE PASSION
PIT IN MINNEAPOLIS, RIGHT?
- YES. OH, BUT, RHODA,
IT'S STILL YOU.
- UNFORTUNATELY.
- OH, STOP.
- SO, MARY, THE WHOLE
WEEKEND, HUH?
- YEAH, UH-HUH.
BOY, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY
GONNA BE SICK OF ME, HUH?
- NO,
NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA
BE SICK OF YOU.
- HEY, LISTEN, I JUST
REALIZED SOMETHING.
I MEAN,
I TOOK AN AWFUL CHANCE
JUST BARGING IN.
YOU WEREN'T GOING TO DO
ANYTHING TONIGHT, WERE YOU?
- NO, NO, NOTHING. NOTHING.
- ALL RIGHT.
- I HAVE SAVED MONEY
FOR THIS TRIP.
NOW, TONIGHT IS ON ME,
YOU JUST PICK THE RESTAURANT.
JOE, WHAT'S THE BEST
PLACE YOU CAN THINK OF?
- THE LOBSTER BARREL.
- TERRIFIC. SEAFOOD!
WHERE IS IT?
- CAPE COD.
I'LL GO AND PUT THE CAR AWAY.
- JOE, NOW LISTEN--
- JUST FORGET IT, RHODA!
JUST FORGET IT!
- HEY,
RHODA, DID I COME
AT A BAD TIME?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, JOE SEEMED
A LITTLE UPSET.
- OH, THAT?
OH, HE'S NOT MAD.
OH, MA--
OH, BOY, I GOTTA EXPLAIN IT.
IT'S JOE OFFBEAT
SENSE OF HUMOR, MARE.
HE'S DOING A BIT, LIKE THAT
YOU ARRIVED AT THE WORST
POSSIBLE MOMENT.
YOU GET IT?
I MEAN,
HE'S PRETENDING LIKE WE WERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH.
AND THE PROBLEM IS, HE'S SO
GOOD AT IT, EVERYBODY TAKES
HIM SERIOUSLY.
EXCEPT FOR ME,
I KNOW HE'S KIDDING.
AND I CAN'T GET MAD
AT HIM BECAUSE IT'S
SO HYSTERICALLY FUNNY.
- YEAH, IT IS!
- YEAH.
- HYSTERICALLY FUNNY.
- SO, SO, COME ON,
TELL ME EVERYTHING.
HOW'S LOU AND MURRAY
AND TED AND PHYLLIS?
- OH,
FINE, FINE, FINE,
AND YOU KNOW HER.
- OH,
MARE, YOU LOOK SO FABULOUS.
- YOU, TOO.
- I AM SO--
- I CAN'T BE--
LISTEN, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANT TO ASK.
I'M GLAD JOE'S
OUT OF THE ROOM.
- WHAT?
- I CANNOT HELP NOTICING
THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN
YOURSELF A NEW BODY, MARY.
SINCE MY WEDDING, YOU HAVE
GONE FROM THIN TO VOLUPTUOUS.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
- WELL,
I GAINED 12 POUNDS.
- HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO GAIN
IT IN ONLY EROGENOUS ZONES?
- OH, WILL YOU--
- IT'S TRUE.
- I DID NOT!
I DID NOT!
- IT'S TRUE.
- RHO! RHO,
YOU STILL HERE?
- OH, BRENDA?
- YEAH.
- COME ON IN.
- I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOOD--
- BRENDA, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
MARY'S COME FOR THE WEEKEND.
WE'RE THRILLED ABOUT IT.
JUST SAY HELLO.
- HELLO, MARY.
- BRENDA.
- HI.
- GEE, YOU LOOK GREAT!
HEY, YOU LOST SOME
WEIGHT, DIDN'T YOU?
- YEAH, 12 POUNDS.
- NO KIDDING!
I GAINED 12.
- OH,
BOY, FUNNY HOW MUCH BETTER
THEY LOOK ON YOU
THAN THEY DID ON ME.
SO, UH, MARY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN TOWN?
- WELL, I GOT IN TOWN
FOR A CONVENTION.
BUT NOW I'M FREE
FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND.
- OH, HOW TERRIFIC
FOR RHODA AND JOE!
ARE YOU GONNA BE
STAYING HERE WITH THEM?
- OH, NO, I'M AT A HOTEL.
- WELL, THAT'S STUPID, MARE,
COME AND STAY WITH US.
- NO, NO, I DON'T WANT
TO BE IN YOUR WAY.
- THEN BE IN MY WAY.
SURE, IT'LL BE FUN.
LOOK WHAT FOUR YEARS OF BEING
AROUND YOU DID FOR RHODA.
- OH.
- ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR,
IF YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.
OK, I'LL GO TO THE
HOTEL AND GET MY STUFF.
- MARY, YOU SEE THIS?
I'M LIVING UPSTAIRS
FROM YOU AGAIN, KID.
- AH, YEAH.
- I JUST GOT A $25
PARKING TICKET!
THAT'S ALL!
- HE KILLS ME!
THAT'S IT.
- THAT'S HIS SENSE OF HUMOR.
- YOU KNOW, IF WE WOULD'VE
LEFT 10 MINUTES EARLIER,
WE WOULD HAVE MISSED MARY
AND BEEN ON OUR WAY
TO CAPE COD RIGHT NOW.
- AND IF YOU HADN'T OVERSLEPT,
WE COULD HAVE LEFT
AN HOUR EARLIER.
- HEY,
DON'T PICK ON ME!
IF YOU WOULD'VE TOLD MARY,
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN ON OUR WAY
NOW, RHODA.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MARY?
- JOE,
I COULDN'T TELL MARY THAT
SHE RUINED
OUR WEEKEND PLANS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW SHE'D
REACT IF SHE KNEW THAT?
- OH, RHODA, COME ON!
- JOE, I'M SERIOUS.
SHE'D BE EATEN UP BY GUILT.
SHE'D GO OFF THE DEEP END.
YEAH. START DROWNING HER SORROWS
IN MILK AND FIG NEWTONS.
[INDISTINCT]
START SAYING THINGS LIKE,
"GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
AND "OH, YEAH!"
- OH, RHODA.
- AND IT WOULDN'T
END THERE, JOE.
I MEAN, A COUPLE
OF MONTHS WOULD GO BY
AND MARY WOULD BE A DERELICT.
SURE, SHE'D BE DRINKING
BEER AND PLAYING DARTS
WITH THE BOYS.
CALLING "LOU, LOU," WEARING
SWEATERS WITH FUZZ BALLS.
DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR
CONSCIENCE, JOSEPH GERARD?
BECAUSE I DON'T.
NO, SIR.
- WHAT I DO WANT IS FOR YOU TO
TELL MARY THAT WE HAVE PLANS
FOR THE WEEKEND.
- I CAN'T.
- IF YOU CAN'T TELL
HER, THEN I WILL.
- NO, NO, NOBODY'S
GONNA TELL HER ANYTHING.
NOW, COME ON, JOE, WE'RE
TOUGHER, WE CAN TAKE IT.
- RHODA,
I WANNA GO AWAY THIS WEEKEND
WITH MY WIFE!
- OH,
DON'T START USING "MY WIFE"
LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW
I WANNA SCREAM WHEN YOU
USE "WIFE" LIKE THAT.
- USE "WIFE" LIKE WHAT?
WHAT ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT HERE?
- YOU KNOW WHAT
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT
POSSESSION THING, "MY WIFE."
- WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU TELLING
ME WHAT WORDS I CAN USE?
- I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING
THAT DRIVES ME UP THE WALL.
- BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE
TO TELL ME WHAT WORDS TO USE,
PARTICULARLY MY WIFE!
[NO AUDIO]
- HEY,
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!
WHAT TIME DID YOU SAY YOUR
DATE WAS PICKING YOU UP?
- 7:30.
- WELL, AREN'T YOU
A LITTLE EARLY?
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT'S
ONLY 6:30?
- OH, I DID IT AGAIN!
I PEAKED TOO EARLY.
[BUZZER]
- YES, CARLTON?
- YES,
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
YOUR MOTHER'S ON HER WAY UP.
- OH, THANKS.
- SAY,
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD
TALK TO THE HOT
NUMBER UP THERE?
- UH, MARY, I BELIEVE
IT'S FOR YOU.
- YEAH. JUST...
- HELLO?
- HI.
YOU WANNA GO OUT SOMETIME?
- WHAT?
- WELL,
YOU'RE NEW IN TOWN, YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR FUN.
HOW ABOUT IT?
WILL YOU MEET ME AT 7:30?
- NO,
I WILL NOT MEET YOU AT 7:30.
- WHEN THEN?
- NEVER.
- SEE YOU THEN.
- MARY, DON'T PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO HIM.
HE'S WEIRD.
- I'LL SAY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I CAME IN,
HE THREW HIS COAT DOWN
FOR ME TO WALK OVER.
- OH,
WAS HE IN IT AT THE TIME?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- MARY!
- MRS. MORGENSTERN!
- IT IS WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU!
- GOOD TO SEE YOU!
- AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL
BAD ABOUT NOT COMMUNICATING
OR WRITING TO ME
SINCE THE WEDDING.
- OH,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
I KNOW. IT'S JUST THAT I GOT,
YOU KNOW, REALLY BUSY,
AND I JUST--I HAVEN'T--
I'M JUST...
WELL, I JUST FEEL TERRIBLE.
- AH, THAT'S NICE.
BRENDA, I'D LIKE TO
SPEAK TO MARY ALONE.
- MA,
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT
YOU JUST WALKED INTO MY HOUSE
AND ORDERED ME OUT WITHOUT
EVEN A "PLEASE, EXCUSE ME"?
- BRENDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOWING OFF IN FRONT OF MARY?
- MA, I'M RIGHT.
AREN'T I RIGHT?
- SHE DOES HAVE A POINT,
MRS. MORGENSTERN.
- YOU PUT ON A FEW POUNDS,
HAVEN'T YOU, MARY?
BRENDA, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY
IF WE'VE INCONVENIENCED
YOU BY BEING HERE.
PERHAPS WE COULD GO INTO
THE ELEVATOR AND STOP BETWEEN
FLOORS AND TALK.
- CONGRATULATIONS, MA.
YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE
AN INTRUDER IN MY OWN HOUSE.
- OH,
DON'T BE SILLY, BRENDA.
THIS IS YOUR HOME
AND I'M JUST A GUEST.
- GEE,
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU!
- AH, YES, IT IS.
- COME ON. SIT DOWN.
- OK. TELL ME, MARY, HOW'S
EVERYTHING GOING?
- OH, PRETTY GOOD.
- YEAH?
- I'M A PRODUCER NOW.
OF COURSE, I'M DOING PRETTY
MUCH THE SAME STUFF I DID
WHEN I WAS JUST THE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER, YOU KNOW,
BUT, STILL--I MEAN,
I REALLY LOVE IT.
YOU KNOW, I DO.
I LOVE THE SOUND OF IT--
MARY RICHARDS, PRODUCER.
- YOU'RE WRECKING
RHODA'S MARRIAGE.
WHY DO WE HAVE THIS
TROUBLE COMMUNICATING?
I SAID YOU'RE WRECKING
RHODA'S MARRIAGE.
- HOW AM I DOING THIS?
- WELL,
I CAN'T TELL YOU
BECAUSE EVERYBODY HAS MADE
ME PROMISE I WOULDN'T SAY
ANYTHING TO YOU.
- BUT I AM WRECKING
RHODA'S MARRIAGE?
- MM-HMM.
- IN A WAY THAT YOU
CAN'T TELL ME ABOUT.
- YOU GOT IT, MARY.
SO CUT IT OUT.
- CUT WHAT OUT?
- I AM NOT
SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU.
- WELL,
THEN I CAN'T HELP YOU, CAN I?
- WELL,
THEN, WE'RE AT A STANDSTILL
BECAUSE I--I NEVER BREAK MY
WORD AND I PROMISED THEM THAT
I WOULDN'T SAY
ANYTHING TO YOU.
- "YOU SPOILED RHODA
AND JOE'S VA--"
- AH, IT'S OUT OF INK.
- I SPOILED RHODA
AND JOE'S VA...
- KAY.
- VAYKAY.
- RIGHT.
- VAYKAY.
- TION.
- TION.
VACATION.
VACATION.
I SPOILED RHODA
AND JOE'S VACATION!
I DID?
- IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE
TO KEEP A SECRET THESE DAYS.
- OHH!
- BRENDA, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE
MARY DOWN THERE ALONE WITH MA?
YOU KNOW SHE'S GONNA TELL HER.
- RHODA, WHAT COULD I DO?
MA FORCED ME OUT
OF MY OWN APARTMENT.
I ONLY HOPE HER TALK
DOESN'T TAKE TOO LONG
BECAUSE MY DATE'S DUE SOON.
- SO HE'LL WAIT
FOR YOU, KID.
- I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S A BLIND DATE.
HE'S NEVER SEEN ME.
AND IF I'M NOT THERE, HE'S
GOING TO WALK IN AND HE'S
GOING TO SEE MARY AND I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THEM
WHEN THEY GET EXCITED.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- RHODA!
- HI, MARE.
- RHODA, THERE IS SOMETHING
TERRIBLE GOING ON HERE.
- MY DATE MUST BE HERE.
- DAMN IT, RHODA!
I THOUGHT YOU AND I
WERE BEST FRIENDS!
- WE ARE, MARE!
- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
THAT YOU AND JOE WERE GOING
AWAY ON A VA-KAY-TION?
- WHAT?
- VACATION.
- OH, COME ON,
RHODA, WHY DON'T YOU
EXPLAIN IT TO MARY?
- I MEAN, RHODA, COME ON,
WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE TO
SOMEBODY, THEN YOU CAN
TELL THEM ANYTHING.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO SAY TO YOU, KID.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
- YOU BET SHE'S RIGHT.
AND NOT JUST RIGHT, THIS IS
THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF RIGHT
WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT RIGHT HERE.
- I GUESS I HAVE TO LEARN WHEN
YOU'RE CLOSE TO SOMEBODY,
YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST.
WHAT AM I SAYING?
I KNOW THAT.
THE TRUTH IS I DIDN'T
TELL THE TRUTH.
I WAS TRYING TO BE KIND
AND CONSIDERATE AND NICE,
INSTEAD OF SAYING WHAT
I REALLY WANTED TO DO
THIS WEEKEND.
MARY, I'M SORRY.
I WAS WRONG.
AND I MUST CORRECT
IT RIGHT NOW.
JOE, I WANT TO SPEND
THE WEEKEND WITH MARY.
- WHAT?
- YEAH.
- RHODA?
NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO GO WITH JOE.
UH...
- JOE,
LISTEN, I KNOW THIS ISN'T
TERRIFIC FOR YOU TO HEAR,
BUT I SEE YOU ALL THE TIME
AND I NEVER GET TO SEE MARE.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T
TELL YOU BEFORE.
I WAS AFRAID.
I MEAN,
BUT WE CAN HAVE A WEEKEND
TOGETHER ANY TIME AND
WHO KNOWS WHEN I'LL SEE
MARY AGAIN.
- OK,
OK, RHODA, I'M GOING
DOWNSTAIRS AND I'M GOING
TO CATCH THE FIRST PLANE
- BACK TO MINNEAPOLIS.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT!
- JOE, I AM SO SORRY.
- NO,
NO, NO, DON'T BE SORRY!
JOE, YOU UNDERSTAND THIS!
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
- WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE
TOLD ME THIS THIS MORNING?
- YOU WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD?
- NO,
I WOULD HAVE BEEN MAD AS HELL,
BUT I WOULD'VE BEEN
OVER IT BY NOW.
I'M GOING OUT FOR A WHILE.
- JOE, ARE YOU OK?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A WHILE.
- OH,
RHODA, I FEEL JUST TERRIBLE!
- IT'S OK, IT'S OK!
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- SURE IT IS.
- COMING IN HERE UNANNOUNCED.
- IT'S FINE.
IT'S NO PROBLEM!
- RUINING YOUR PLANS
FOR A VACATION.
- NO,
YOU DIDN'T RUIN A THING.
- NOT ONLY THAT,
BUT CAUSING A FIGHT...
- YOU DIDN'T CAUSE A FIGHT.
- BETWEEN YOU AND JOE.
YES, I DID.
- WHAT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, MARY,
IS THIS IS GOOD
FOR A MARRIAGE.
- IT IS?
- I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
- HEY,
YOU KNOW, THIS IS GONNA BE
A FUN WEEKEND AFTER ALL.
DONNIE AND I HAVEN'T BEEN
FISHING IN OVER A YEAR.
- AH, JOE, SAY HELLO TO
DONNIE FOR ME, WILL YA?
AND, LISTEN, YOU,
I'LL MISS YOU.
I WILL.
- OH, AND MARY, IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- OH, THANKS, JOE.
IT WAS GOOD TO
SEE YOU, TOO.
- AND,
LISTEN, COME BACK REAL SOON,
AND I MEAN THAT.
ONLY, MARY, NEXT TIME--
- UH, CALL FIRST.
- CALL FIRST.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- WHO IS IT?
- THIS IS CARLTON
AT YOUR DOOR.
- OH, OOH!
I ASKED CARLTON, YOU KNOW,
TO COME UP AND HELP YOU DOWN
TO THE CAR WITH YOUR STUFF.
- OH,
THANKS, BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT,
I'LL BE ABLE TO
MANAGE BY MYSELF.
- OH, OK.
NEVER MIND, CARLTON,
HE'LL DO IT HIMSELF.
- YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SEEN
YOUR APARTMENT.
- WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN?
- IS THERE A TIP IN IT FOR ME?
- NO!