Resident Alien (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Alien Dinner Party - full transcript
It's a surprise party as everyone gathers to celebrate Harry, but some dangerous guests cause havoc.
Previously
on "Resident Alien"...
This city is an assault
on my senses.
- Who the hell is
- Galvan/Powell Group?
You have no idea
who you are dealing with.
Constellation Ursa Major.
That is where
we will find Goliath.
People already think
Patience is a murder town.
You want them to think
it's an alien town too?
Jessup is trying to build
a five-star resort.
Who says it's gotta be Jessup?
That Grady property
up on the ridge
is beggin' to be developed.
I think you're pregnant.
When you're ready,
it'll be there.
- Dr. Smallwood--
- He's trying to fire you.
And now we
officially have no doctor.
Dr. Vanderspeigle
is our only real candidate.
He has a birthday comin' up.
The alien we went to see
was dead.
Goliath held out
for as long as he could.
- But he gave birth to an egg.
- No!
And now it's in Harry's bag.
Do you even know
when it will hatch?
Surprise!
♪
So where is this alien ball,
and how do I know that video
wasn't a fake?
You're gonna
have to trust me.
Last time I saw you,
I was going to have you killed.
Seems like trusting you
is moving backwards.
♪
I want to see it.
♪
What do you want?
I give you the ball,
I get my life back--
honorable discharge,
full pension.
Nobody trying to--
♪
♪
Get out of my house!
Happy Birthday,
Dr. Vanderspeigle.
Glad to have you
back in Patience.
Wow, Harry.
It's a surprise party.
That's right.
Honoring the birthday
of one of our town's
most esteemed residents,
Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle.
Here's to another trip
around the Sun, Dr. V.
By the way, the break and enter
was Ben's idea.
Ah, now, now.
No breaking, just entering.
The door was unlocked.
Yeah, after you climbed
through the window
and unlocked it.
Out of respect
for our wonderful friend--
nay, our partner, really--
who deserves to be celebrated
for, if nothing else,
his kindness.
You are all trespassing
and should be in prison.
- He's jokin'.
- No he's not.
Thanks for the heads-up.
I wasn't invited.
I'm just hungry.
Here,
let me grab this for you.
No!
I can put that away!
Ah, no way.
No worrying
about luggage for you.
Whoa, close call there.
All right, let's get
the festivities started.
I do not like having people
at my house uninvited.
Well, now you know how Earth
felt when you got here.
Okay, I'll get rid of everyone.
Just take that thing downstairs.
Only half of it is "thing."
The other half is alien.
Sure.
Oh, Dr. Vanderspeigle,
how was your trip?
I heard you went to a medical
conference in New York.
Yes, I went to an art party,
and took illegal drugs.
You know,
I went to an art party once.
Well, it wasn't an art party.
It was--I guess
you could call that art--
Do you have a pet spider?
Because it's in your hair.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- No, no, no.
No. No.
- Yes.
Where is it?
It is gone now.
What?
Mm-mm. Nope.
♪
So when you gonna ask Dr. V
to be the town doctor, Ben?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Come on, man.
This is what this is all about.
You're wooing him. Look.
Word of advice: get him drunk
before you ask him.
It'll help smooth the woo.
I'm just showing appreciation.
There's--there's no woo.
Hey, Ben.
Thanks
for pulling all this together.
Um, Harry's not
really feeling very well,
so maybe we could
do this another night.
Ah, can't.
It's a special night for Harry,
and if he's not feeling well,
then by golly, we will
nurse him back to health
together as a town.
We're stayin'.
Woo...
♪
- Ben, that's very--
- Excuse me.
Kay.
An alien baby kills you,
it's not my fault.
♪
I do not understand why
humans celebrate their births.
Everyone who is alive
has been born.
It is not special.
A birthday party is
just a participation trophy.
It's my grandmother's
secret deviled egg recipe.
I snuck into her desk
and stole it when I was ten.
She's hated me ever since.
Mmm.
Well, these are insane.
I mean, it's horrible to lose
your grandmother, but worth it.
Last Christmas, she said
she hopes she dies soon
so she can haunt me
and steal my soul.
She holds a grudge.
Mm, not for me.
I'm not a fan of yolk mixtures
or having my soul taken
by an angry ghost.
Just try one.
I would, but I said no.
♪ Know that I'll be coming
right back ♪
♪ Tomorrow's dream
Fine, yeah.
I'll, uh, have a bite.
♪
Oh, my God. Mmm.
It's a delicate farm
in my mouth.
Mmm.
- No.
You doubted them.
- I didn't doubt it.
You don't deserve
a second one.
- No, I do.
- The second one
is even better somehow.
It's like I can taste
the farmer's wife
calling her family
in for supper, like...
Mmm.
"Comin', Mama."
Mmm.
"I'm comin'."
But I wanna taste
farm supper...
- What did you do with it?
- It is in the bunker.
It is safe.
Glad the alien
in the cellar is safe.
Harry,
what if it hatches down there?
Mm, alien babies
have a big appetite
for high-calorie junky food.
- Uh-huh.
There's nothing more junky
than a human.
We are in danger.
We have to get
everyone out of here.
- Make yourself look sick.
Oh, that's good.
Yes.
Good.
I have not done anything yet.
Oh.
Sorry.
It's good, though.
Oh, there he is!
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny
All right.
You think I am a good fellow?
And jolly.
And so sick... sick.
- Mm.
Sick... of being alone, maybe.
It's your birthday.
It is your special day.
All this is for you.
Plus, cake.
If, uh,
Jay ever shows up with it.
Can it be pie?
- No.
- Pie it is.
I feel better!
You can stay.
You sure, Doc?
You still look kind of pale.
It is my Dutch skin.
You hear that everyone?
Our good cheer has cured him.
I'm gonna get that pie for you.
- Mm-hmm.
Great.
I have enough eggs to last
all night,
but we may need more ice,
because if they don't stay
chilled, they go south fast.
I got you, Deputy.
You got ice down
in that meat freezer
of yours, right?
Do not go down there.
The floor's cracked,
and if you step on it,
you'll break your mama's back. Here.
- What'd he say about my mama?
Today is all
about celebrating
the birth
of a man I murdered
and threw in the frozen lake.
Ice seems appropriate.
Sulfur.
♪
Hello?
♪
Oh...
- Hmm.
- Wow, soda.
You handling
heavy machinery later?
Right, you were out of town.
We haven't talked.
I stopped drinking.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Since when?
- 1:00.
- Last night?
- This afternoon.
You gotta start somewhere.
You know,
been eating healthy...
getting back in shape.
Oh! I even started
going to the gym again.
Wow, I love that.
Feels pretty good.
- Hey,
still waiting on
a invite to come here tonight.
Email not a thing anymore?
Open wide.
- Hey hun.
- Hey.
You, uh, having fun?
Yeah.
Um, are they gonna do
anything about
that sulfur smell?
I'm gonna barf.
I don't smell anything.
Hey, uh, remember
when you were pregnant,
and you had that sense
of smell like a superhero?
Hope you're not pregnant.
Could you imagine?
Yeah, right?
Mmm, I'm gonna get
some sweet gherkins.
You want anything?
Oh, sure don't.
Sure don't.
This is a problem.
Even at birth, my alien kind
is very strong and agile.
That thing
could be anywhere by now.
If it were a fully human baby,
it would be much easier.
Human infants are the only
mammal whose main attribute
is helplessly flopping.
Need some help
with that ice down there, Doc?
No.
I am good at ice-carrying.
You sure?
I'll come down and help.
No, no!
I want to carry it myself.
Ice feels good on my nipples.
Thanks, Doc.
Damn, you smell like sulfur.
What, you have
an outhouse party down there?
No.
It is not sulfur.
What are you, crazy?
It is the deputy's eggs.
They are stinky.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah, those things
are delicious but deadly.
You gotta stop at two,
or it's like eating a butt gun.
I would not fire a gun
made out of butts.
The mayonnaise is homemade,
and I mix the yolks by hand.
- Mm.
- And I don't use
canola oil like most people.
The key is olive oil.
It really brings out
the eggy flavor.
Mm.
Yum.
Just... excuse me.
- Okay.
- Just one second.
- Okay.
♪
♪ And I'm sorry
for all I've taken ♪
♪ And I'm sorry
for all I've let loose ♪
♪
♪ I wanna be true
♪ I wanna be forgiven
♪
♪ For givin' up
♪ On everything I knew
♪
♪ I wanna be true
I'm serious.
If you're wearing nurse scrubs
and you're running,
stores will pretty much
let you take anything for free.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Of course.
No, sorry, anything.
Okay, so I marked
all the military installations
where they could be holding
the alien ball.
I circled the underground ones
nobody knows about.
Ben's throwing a surprise
birthday party for Dr. V.,
but he's just doing that
to trick him
into being town doctor again.
It's this big secret.
Yeah.
I told everyone.
Town doctor?
What happened to Dr. Ethan?
He left town the night
the Men in Black were here.
You mean the night
you told the Men in Black
Dr. Ethan was the alien?
Yeah, that night.
Guess Dr. Ethan
just didn't like it here.
- Is your brain in your butt?
- I hope not.
Don't you realize
what happened?
The Men in Black
took Dr. Ethan.
As soon as
they figure out he's human,
they'll know the alien
is still in Patience
and come back looking for him.
We have to go
to that party and warn Asta.
How?
We have a babysitter.
We'll get her to fall asleep.
I know what to do.
Same way my Aunt Azadeh
conks out when she visits.
- Sleeping pills?
- No...
calm-voiced nature videos.
What you gonna do
with all them pickles?
Uh, those are not pickles.
Those are sweet gherkins,
or, uh, cornichons.
Did you just correct me
on how to say a pickle?
No.
I'm just sayin'.
I'm gonna get some punch.
Hey, how's the punch?
- It fell.
What?
What?
Oh, no.
- Huh?
I didn't--
It's pretty, huh?
Yeah, it's amazing.
I used to spend
a lot of time here
when you were dating Harry.
Oh, yeah.
I wouldn't call it dating.
It was really more
of a drive-by.
So any exciting news?
No,
I haven't taken the test yet.
If I take the test
and it's positive,
then I'm pregnant.
Yeah,
that's not how it works.
♪
You know, I was just talking
to Harry about New York.
All I could think about
was how exciting it would be
to live there, you know?
The art shows,
the theatre, all of it.
Why can't that be my life?
I don't know.
Why can't it?
Because I'm stuck here,
pushing out babies
like a stray dog.
Ugh...
the ones with all the nipples?
- So many nipples.
- Huge, huge nipples.
You adopt one, it turns over. Nipple.
♪
Come on.
Let's go pee on a stick.
Hold your breath.
Liv just brought out
a new tray of eggs.
Ugh.
The size
of the bull elk's antlers
depends on how much
sunlight the elk gets.
Here, this elk basks in the
warm rays of the midday sun.
A full-sized male's antlers
can grow up to an inch per day
during the summer months.
They're typically fully grown
by mid-August.
If he is able to--
Hey!
Where are you going?
- Bike ride?
- Taking out the garbage!
Just come home
before your parents get back.
No drugs!
- She's a horrible babysitter.
- Yeah.
♪
Ooh...
♪
What the hell?
Hmm.
- Harry?
- No, just me.
Just me in here peein'.
- Sorry.
God, I can't hold the stick.
My hand's shaking too much.
Okay, give it to me.
I'll hold it.
I'll hold it.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Okay, it's in position. Go.
And you just pissed
on my hand.
♪
There you are.
What are you doing?
I am enjoying
my birthday candy.
Have you checked on the egg?
'Cause if there's any chance
that it will hatch,
we have to get everyone
out of this party right now.
The party cannot end.
There is pie coming.
Do not worry.
The baby will not hatch.
It is definitely
still inside of its shell.
Nowhere else!
Okay.
It's still a party, though,
so you can't just hide
in the bedroom,
or people will be suspicious.
- Mm.
Come talk to someone,
and don't be weird.
And here we go.
I will talk to Dan
because he has food.
And that is not weird.
Hi, Dan.
Here is some money for my meal,
and I'll also take
a side of fries at the table.
♪
Really sorry about that.
Oh, don't worry.
I've been peed on before.
I have too.
I kind of like it.
I was talking about a frog
I picked up when I was a kid.
Yeah, frogs.
Me too.
- Oh.
Time's up.
Shit.
Congratulations.
You gonna tell Ben
the good news?
Not until I'm convinced
it's good news.
Why?
If you get overwhelmed,
just think back on a time
when life was simple,
and you were just a woman
pissin' on another woman.
You got this, Hawthorne.
♪ Please darlin'
♪ Take mercy on my
broken heart, yeah ♪
♪ And take my soul if
you want what's left of it ♪
You're not gonna believe it.
Eugena Plunkett came in,
saying she saw a UFO
a couple
of months ago in Patience.
Can you imagine?
- That seems... crazy.
Remember that camping trip
when we were kids,
like when Ben saw something,
and he ran, and everyone
followed him,
and I stayed back by the fire?
Yeah, I think so.
But he didn't see anything,
right?
- No.
- No.
Yeah.
No.
But I did.
Really?
What?
A UFO.
A real-life UFO.
Don't you wanna believe...
that we're not alone,
like, that there's something
bigger than us out there?
Sure.
Um, but not in Patience.
I mean, we just barely
got a pizza place.
I am sure
there are not aliens here.
You're probably right.
It's just fun
to think about sometimes.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Jay's here. Okay.
Pretend like you're talking
to me, would you?
I am talking to you.
Right.
Oh God.
I'm so--I just get so nervous
when she's around.
I mean, I've been
giving her space, you know?
But I'm--it just
feels like it's been forever,
and her 18th birthday
is in two days.
Am I talking fast?
- Mm-hmm.
Talking fast.
She's driving now.
Yeah,
she's our best customer.
We've given her,
like, six tickets.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Mm-mm.
Breathe.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- She's coming.
- She's on her way.
- Don't pass out.
- Hi.
- Hey, how are you?
How are you?
I'm good.
Um, so my birthday's coming up,
which you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was there.
Yeah, so... look, I was
wondering if you might want
to do something that day.
Just, um--
just you and me.
- Really?
- Yeah, you know...
just, like, lunch or something.
It's no big deal.
Just hang out.
Uh...
I would love that.
Okay.
Um, great.
Pick me up
at the diner at 1:00?
Maybe we can check out
that new Mexican place?
I can't wait.
Okay.
Um, I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go eat
as much food as I can
before Mr. Hawthorne
kicks me out.
Sure.
Cool.
♪
♪
♪
- Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm great.
I just need to pee.
♪
Let me in.
I know you're upset.
♪
I'm fine.
Just... sneezed.
Um, have you seen Harry?
Don't be too self-conscious.
I had a bunch of them eggs too.
You get in line.
I'ma be a while.
Don't stand by the door
neither, a'ight?
You're the one that said
not to be self-conscious--
Get away from the damn door!
I still see your feet!
- All right.
Ow.
Looking for something?
I wanted to heat up pie.
The baby hatched,
and you knew it!
What?
This is news to me.
How did you
not tell me this sooner?
Stop it.
I saw it in the bathroom!
- And it has teeth!
What kind of baby has teeth?
Oh, an alien baby.
They're very good at ripping
things... or people.
Everyone!
We have to leave the house!
No.
No, no.
I saw it run outside.
Everyone, we need to stay
inside the house!
- Harry...
- We should keep
everyone together.
Outside is not safe.
Now, any cop that's ever
been a cop in D.C.
is there, right?
Which is just--
that's just the way it is at
Kelly's when a cop retires.
So the next thing you know,
we hear all these people
screaming, right?
We don't know what's going on.
Did a fight break out,
you know?
Who knows?
And I look,
and parting the sea of bodies
is a goat.
- What?
- Jesse had snuck a goat
into the bar
and just let it loose.
See, now that was Jesse!
Good to see you laughin'.
Hey Dad, can I talk to you
for a second?
Okay.
Oh, and this other time...
The alien baby hatched.
It's loose!
Is that a bad thing?
It's not a good thing.
Keep everyone together, and
don't let anyone outside, okay?
Harry's really worried.
- He doesn't look worried.
- Huh?
I do not like this gift.
Didn't I, uh, give you that
last Christmas?
Well, maybe
if someone had invited me,
I'd have time to shop.
Plus, it smells like doo-doo,
baby.
Harry, can I ask you
a quick question about the pie?
The mayor gives cheap gifts.
Oh, actually
he worked pretty hard on that.
Not cheap.
Uh, it happens to be beeswax,
nature's gold.
- Isn't gold nature's gold?
Not to Ben.
What if it's outside?
Then maybe we should stay here.
And if we're going
to stay here,
we should open presents.
- Asta! Asta!
- Yeah, do not go outside.
Asta!
We should stay inside
while we can't go outside.
- Come on!
- Come on!
Let's go to the other window.
- Yeah.
♪
Cool, a raccoon!
Aw, look at the cute little--
What the?
Do you know what this means?
Raccoon bones
don't taste good?
Harry is breeding
alien babies.
♪
How long do I have
to keep everybody here for?
I mean, is it safe outside?
Did the "humalien" thing
run away?
I do not know
what the alien will do.
It is a hybrid.
The alien part of it will want
to come back when it is hungry.
It will know
there is food here.
You mean us, right?
No, of course not.
It will want to eat the
egg sack that it was born in.
Okay.
Then us.
- Jesus.
- I'll go downstairs
and look for it,
and maybe snack on the sack.
- Ew.
- I need something savory.
You know, about it maybe
eating us thing...
you got bullets for those guns?
They're all loaded.
The real me was redneck-y.
Hey Dan. Uh...
I've been carrying around some
of Jesse's ashes with me
for a while now, right?
I'm thinkin' maybe it's time
to let him go.
You know, spread his ashes.
I love that idea.
I think you'll be happier not
carrying that weight around.
Yeah.
Well, we used to fish
together a lot.
So I thought about
doing it here, on the lake.
You know, maybe we have
a little memorial for him.
I'd love for you
to be a part of it.
I'd be honored. Anytime.
Great!
All right, let's go.
Uh, not now.
Why not?
Too windy.
Not good ash-spreading weather.
Well, you the expert, right?
I'ma get me some food.
Hey!
Dr. V!
Just, uh, thought I'd say hi.
Wow, great work space.
You, uh, you build birdhouses
down here?
You, uh, you're a tinkerer?
You like to tinker?
Yes.
Sometimes it makes me shiver
because of the warm urine
leaving my body.
Oh no, that's, uh...
Anyway, hey, um,
wanted to talk to you
about something.
Unfortunately, Dr. Smallwood
has decided to retire,
and we have found ourselves,
once again,
without a town doctor.
- And, yes, I can see
by the concern on your face
that you understand
what a difficult position
this puts me in.
But you know
what's even better?
- Is you... returning
as our town doctor.
What do you think?
I will consider it!
Oh!
What the heck was that?
It was an Earth animal.
It's a sick raccoon.
- Mm-hmm.
We should probably go away.
Don't get close to it.
Yep.
Say no more.
That's my cue.
- Mm.
Uh, I'll go warn the others.
Uh... hmm?
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Really?
That's amazing.
♪
♪
You know, if those
raccoons do have rabies,
we should find them
and take them somewhere.
Shit, I ain't messin'
with no damn rabies.
You know 100% of people
who have rabies go insane,
but only 20%
of insane people have rabies?
That's a Internet fact.
Mmm.
Oh.
This stuff's pretty good.
It's spicier than I remember.
It's tangy.
You know?
- I'll have some of that.
- Yeah.
Well, looks like New York's
out of the picture.
What?
Why?
Ben just got a call
from some company
that wants to put
a resort here.
Says he's gonna be
mayor for decades.
Nobody's putting
a resort here.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
He says he took pictures
of the Grady land
to sell them on the idea,
and now they want to do it.
What?
He said he was using
those pictures
for the town website.
What?
Excuse me.
Hey, didn't realize
you were still here.
Yeah, just thought
I'd grab something to eat.
That was like an hour ago.
I guess I've been eating
for an hour.
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
Didn't realize I hired Jughead
to deliver the cake.
Hey,
what are you two talking about?
Oh, I was just catching up
with D'arcy
about the pictures
that you took for the resort.
You know, the ones
that you lied to me about,
that you said were
for the "town website."
Well, I plan on using those
pictures for the town website
as well, so...
not a lie.
Hey, uh,
should I order more food?
'Cause Jay is going through it
like a lawnmower.
Nope, you totally lied to me.
I mean, Jesus.
We spent the whole day
rock climbing, ATVing,
what, so you could
just bring in a resort
and destroy the town?
Uh, you went rock climbing?
A little bit--small rock.
So when I got home from my
mom's, and I said, you know,
"What have you been doing?"
and you said, "Nothing,"
was "nothing" rock climbing
with D'arcy?
Uh... you know, I mean,
isn't "nothing" kind of like
a catchall expression?
I mean, it really could mean
lots of different things.
No.
It means nothing.
You know, what you and D'arcy
did, it wasn't nothing.
It was something,
and for some reason,
you just didn't tell me
about it.
I just didn't think
it was a big deal.
Oh shit.
Uh, look.
I hate to insert myself here,
but it looks like Ben
could use a little help,
so just know
D'arcy kissed Ben,
not the other way around.
He's a completely
innocent bystander.
You kissed Ben?
What a fun development.
You two kissed...
each other!
- I told you to tell her
about the kiss.
You know, this is on me.
I was drunk
and in a really horrible place.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have done it.
It's not Ben's fault.
- Well put.
Well,
if it wasn't your fault,
then why wouldn't you
just tell me about it?
I mean, then again,
why would you?
'Cause I'm only just now
hearing about you putting
a stupid resort in town.
What resort?
You can't put a resort
in Patience.
See?
I didn't tell anybody.
Is this the resort you were
talking about that Ben wanted?
Yeah.
I think it's a bad idea.
so does my mom.
I might've told Mike,
thought he could keep a secret.
You can't keep
secrets from somebody
who buys your bear claws
every morning.
It took two bear claws
to find out about the kiss.
Why is everyone
listening to this?
'Cause you're having a
public fight, and we have ears.
I'm not having a fight.
I am explaining to my wife
why I didn't tell her
about hanging out with D'arcy
a couple nights ago.
So you hung out at night too?
Okay, now it's a fight.
I'm not fighting.
I don't care
if he hangs out with D'arcy.
They're friends.
I--I--
I just don't know
why you wouldn't
just tell me about this.
After we left the Grady land,
D'Arcy came back to the house.
She found some weed that
she had hid in Max's closet,
and we smoked it.
Wait, you hid pot
in my son's closet?
Yeah, but I hid it
back in high school
when I was bangin'
your husband.
Ho, ho, ho...
Thought it was time
for a hard joke.
- No.
- No.
Look, this is ridiculous.
Nothing happened.
She fell asleep.
I tucked her into Max's bed.
End of story.
Wait, you slept over?
Ho, ho, it appears the story
has a few more chapters.
Wait,
you smoked 15-year-old weed?
I did.
It was not good.
- Ben--
- Yes, D'arcy slept over
in Max's bed,
and I am telling you now
because I have nothing to hide.
So where were you when
I came home the next morning?
Ben told me to hide.
I snuck out the window.
I made a gesture.
You took it to mean hide.
I also stole
one of your kid's candy bars.
I'm sorry.
- I can't believe this.
You were hiding in my house?
We hung out after that.
You couldn't just tell me
all of this?
This whole thing was fake.
I really thought
you were my friend.
No, I am your friend.
She apologized
for kissing Ben.
I don't care about that,
okay?
It's a stupid kiss.
Who cares?
D'arcy was drunk and sad.
Big surprise.
You know,
if you didn't freak out so hard
about your husband
hanging a sign on the wall,
maybe he'd tell you more shit.
Oh...
oh, okay that makes sense.
You're
our new interior designer.
Spend your time moving a coffee
table across the room with Ben,
because finding a single guy
who's real and available
is too scary.
Well, maybe you should
learn to talk to Ben
about your feelings
instead of stuffing them
inside a 90-mile
vertical treadmill run.
So is this what you do?
You insert your drama
into other people's lives
'cause you can't deal
with your own?
No, I'm dealing with mine
just fine, all right?
I'm working out.
I'm in shape.
I look great.
I quit drinking for...
four hours--
- You lied to me.
You know what?
No.
I deserved it, because
I have been lying for years.
You wanna know the truth?
I hate it here.
I hate Patience.
I hate my life,
and I hate that I really
thought you were my friend,
and I'm glad
that I pissed on your hand
when I took
that pregnancy test!
What?
I'm pregnant.
- Congratulations!
Well, well, well,
who's keeping secrets now?
Um, not really the road
you wanna be drivin' down
right now.
- Couldn't agree more.
- Okay.
Can you believe this shit?
She actually thinks I'm afraid
of being with a single man
who's real.
That's ridiculous.
Pretty much dead on.
You are also really needy.
- Perfect.
Side with the man.
These guys.
Am I right, Liv?
I'm not afraid of being
in a real relationship.
What?
Oh, coming.
Uh, oh, hey, hey.
Where are you goin'?
Shit, unless you got
another fight planned,
I'm pretty sure that was
the highlight of the night.
No, no.
Um, you can't leave yet...
because we still have cake!
Whoo.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I...
I should've told you
about the D'arcy stuff.
♪
I figure you're probably, at
this point, well aware,
but um,
you're married to a dipshit.
♪
I'm sorry.
I should've told you
about the--
you know...
♪
Why didn't you tell me?
I don't know.
I don't know--I...
Was...
scared, and
we don't really talk anymore.
Anytime anything remotely
uncomfortable comes up,
we just--we just have sex
instead of talking
about what's really going on.
Okay, okay.
Let's talk.
Right now.
We're gonna have a baby.
Yeah.
♪
That's...
a lot.
♪
It's a lot, a lot.
♪
♪ Happy birthday,
dear Harry ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you
You can go ahead
and blow out the candles.
No.
I do not like cake.
Well, if you don't
blow out the candles,
your wish won't come true.
- Mm.
- I'll help you out, Harry.
- Oh.
- Oh.
And someone's having sex
in the bathroom.
Now, do not be concerned.
These old houses...
you can't beat them,
but join them!
Everybody just sit tight,
okay?
Nobody leave.
Dad, can you help me
go downstairs,
check the breaker?
You bet.
Raccoons probably chewed
through the wires.
Yeah, you know,
I got this call once.
It was a woodchuck
that got into a fuse box.
Fried the poor little guy
medium rare.
Do you know
what the crazy part is?
You know what it smelled like?
Caesar salad.
- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Delicious.
Do not worry
about the raccoon.
I'm going outside
to set a trap.
Oh, I don't think
raccoons eat pies.
No.
Harrys do.
You can have garbage cake.
Who keeps loaded rifles
in their house?
We're protecting ourselves
from an outer space egg baby.
That's the question
you're asking, Dad?
Hey, did you steal fruit?
Oh, yes, Mr. Biggins,
I stole all the apples.
I need to be punished.
- How about this?
- Jesus.
I swear, Mr. Biggins,
I didn't mean any disrespect.
- You in the right business.
Baby...
♪
Little baby.
Agh!
Baby?
Come here.
♪
♪
- Whoa.
What are you doing here?
We came to warn you
about the Men in Black.
They took Dr. Ethan.
- What?
In the spring,
Max told them he was the alien.
Hey, you don't speak for me.
Yeah, what she said is right.
Anyway, once they realize
he's a human,
they're gonna come back
for Harry.
Plus, there's an alien baby
killing animals outside,
just FYI.
Yup.
I know about that.
Um, thank you for telling me.
Can you please sneak them home
and make sure
they don't get eaten?
I'll take care of them.
But it looks like
you're not gonna have
any lights for a while longer.
Okay.
What are you guys
even doing here?
Don't you have a babysitter?
It's Ellen.
Say no more.
Okay, get home safe.
I think this is
a really weird party.
- Good cake, though.
- Yeah.
Am I a bad person if I like
seeing other couples fight?
You're a horrible person.
♪
♪
Honey?
What's wrong?
Something happened to me.
There's alien activity here,
in Patience.
I know it.
What are you gonna do?
The only thing I can do.
I'm gonna call
the alien tracker
and tell him
to come to Patience
and find himself an alien.
Sorry about that, guys!
Raccoon definitely
knocked out the power.
Um, until we figure this out,
I think we should
just stay put.
Better call D'arcy.
She just left.
Ugh, damn it.
♪
Hey!
- Hey.
- Oh.
- Nice rifle.
You headed out to scare up
some vittles?
Didn't you hear?
There's a rabid raccoon
on the loose.
Good.
Maybe it'll bite me.
If I start foaming
at the mouth, don't shoot me.
Just...
let me suffer.
Don't listen
to anything she says.
It's not true.
Yeah it is, though.
Do you know what
my very first thought was
when I met Elliot?
- Nice ass?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Do you know what
my second thought was?
"How long till I mess this up?"
♪
What the shit
is wrong with me?
♪
Okay.
So un-mess it.
Call him.
- Yeah, right.
Call him now.
I have a gun.
♪
I'm not calling him.
- Okay, I'll do it.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, I'll just do it.
- You won't do that, 'cause no,
I'll text him.
- I'll call--
Okay, I'll text him!
I'll text him.
♪
♪
What do I even say?
Uh, how about "Hi?"
- That's kind of brilliant.
- Yeah.
Okay, it's sent.
Ugh!
Now I just have to be
nauseous for two weeks
waiting to see if he--
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Hi.
You're a goddamn genius.
Hi.
- Hi.
It's simple.
It works.
- Yes.
- Hi.
Okay, are you
gonna write back?
No.
I mean, in a couple days.
What am I, desperate?
Baby, this is for you.
Mmm.
Come and get it!
Oh.
♪
♪
♪
Hello, Harry.
I'm Goliath.
Goliath.
Why are you inside
a hybrid alien baby?
Clever, right?
I needed to send you a message,
and this is a big one.
First, you need to know that
our people are not coming
to kill everyone.
- Why are they not coming?
Because it's too dangerous.
There's an alien race
that's planning
to take over the Earth.
They're here, Harry.
What alien race?
You must be careful.
They are--
Wha--
Ah.
♪
No...
♪
You should've just stayed
in Colorado and done your job.
You shot me.
Yeah, like you shot
two of my guys in New York.
I should have never made you
kill Sam Hodges.
I should have just
taken care of it myself.
♪
Asta.
♪
♪
Holy shit.
Harry...
♪ A mile and a half
on a bus takes a long time ♪
♪ The odor
of old prison food ♪
♪ Takes a long time
to pass you by ♪
♪
♪ Day upon day,
this wandering gets you down ♪
♪ Nobody gives you
a chance or a dollar ♪
♪ In this old town
♪
♪ Hovering silence
from you is a giveaway ♪
♪ Squalor and smoke's
not your style ♪
on "Resident Alien"...
This city is an assault
on my senses.
- Who the hell is
- Galvan/Powell Group?
You have no idea
who you are dealing with.
Constellation Ursa Major.
That is where
we will find Goliath.
People already think
Patience is a murder town.
You want them to think
it's an alien town too?
Jessup is trying to build
a five-star resort.
Who says it's gotta be Jessup?
That Grady property
up on the ridge
is beggin' to be developed.
I think you're pregnant.
When you're ready,
it'll be there.
- Dr. Smallwood--
- He's trying to fire you.
And now we
officially have no doctor.
Dr. Vanderspeigle
is our only real candidate.
He has a birthday comin' up.
The alien we went to see
was dead.
Goliath held out
for as long as he could.
- But he gave birth to an egg.
- No!
And now it's in Harry's bag.
Do you even know
when it will hatch?
Surprise!
♪
So where is this alien ball,
and how do I know that video
wasn't a fake?
You're gonna
have to trust me.
Last time I saw you,
I was going to have you killed.
Seems like trusting you
is moving backwards.
♪
I want to see it.
♪
What do you want?
I give you the ball,
I get my life back--
honorable discharge,
full pension.
Nobody trying to--
♪
♪
Get out of my house!
Happy Birthday,
Dr. Vanderspeigle.
Glad to have you
back in Patience.
Wow, Harry.
It's a surprise party.
That's right.
Honoring the birthday
of one of our town's
most esteemed residents,
Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle.
Here's to another trip
around the Sun, Dr. V.
By the way, the break and enter
was Ben's idea.
Ah, now, now.
No breaking, just entering.
The door was unlocked.
Yeah, after you climbed
through the window
and unlocked it.
Out of respect
for our wonderful friend--
nay, our partner, really--
who deserves to be celebrated
for, if nothing else,
his kindness.
You are all trespassing
and should be in prison.
- He's jokin'.
- No he's not.
Thanks for the heads-up.
I wasn't invited.
I'm just hungry.
Here,
let me grab this for you.
No!
I can put that away!
Ah, no way.
No worrying
about luggage for you.
Whoa, close call there.
All right, let's get
the festivities started.
I do not like having people
at my house uninvited.
Well, now you know how Earth
felt when you got here.
Okay, I'll get rid of everyone.
Just take that thing downstairs.
Only half of it is "thing."
The other half is alien.
Sure.
Oh, Dr. Vanderspeigle,
how was your trip?
I heard you went to a medical
conference in New York.
Yes, I went to an art party,
and took illegal drugs.
You know,
I went to an art party once.
Well, it wasn't an art party.
It was--I guess
you could call that art--
Do you have a pet spider?
Because it's in your hair.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- No, no, no.
No. No.
- Yes.
Where is it?
It is gone now.
What?
Mm-mm. Nope.
♪
So when you gonna ask Dr. V
to be the town doctor, Ben?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Come on, man.
This is what this is all about.
You're wooing him. Look.
Word of advice: get him drunk
before you ask him.
It'll help smooth the woo.
I'm just showing appreciation.
There's--there's no woo.
Hey, Ben.
Thanks
for pulling all this together.
Um, Harry's not
really feeling very well,
so maybe we could
do this another night.
Ah, can't.
It's a special night for Harry,
and if he's not feeling well,
then by golly, we will
nurse him back to health
together as a town.
We're stayin'.
Woo...
♪
- Ben, that's very--
- Excuse me.
Kay.
An alien baby kills you,
it's not my fault.
♪
I do not understand why
humans celebrate their births.
Everyone who is alive
has been born.
It is not special.
A birthday party is
just a participation trophy.
It's my grandmother's
secret deviled egg recipe.
I snuck into her desk
and stole it when I was ten.
She's hated me ever since.
Mmm.
Well, these are insane.
I mean, it's horrible to lose
your grandmother, but worth it.
Last Christmas, she said
she hopes she dies soon
so she can haunt me
and steal my soul.
She holds a grudge.
Mm, not for me.
I'm not a fan of yolk mixtures
or having my soul taken
by an angry ghost.
Just try one.
I would, but I said no.
♪ Know that I'll be coming
right back ♪
♪ Tomorrow's dream
Fine, yeah.
I'll, uh, have a bite.
♪
Oh, my God. Mmm.
It's a delicate farm
in my mouth.
Mmm.
- No.
You doubted them.
- I didn't doubt it.
You don't deserve
a second one.
- No, I do.
- The second one
is even better somehow.
It's like I can taste
the farmer's wife
calling her family
in for supper, like...
Mmm.
"Comin', Mama."
Mmm.
"I'm comin'."
But I wanna taste
farm supper...
- What did you do with it?
- It is in the bunker.
It is safe.
Glad the alien
in the cellar is safe.
Harry,
what if it hatches down there?
Mm, alien babies
have a big appetite
for high-calorie junky food.
- Uh-huh.
There's nothing more junky
than a human.
We are in danger.
We have to get
everyone out of here.
- Make yourself look sick.
Oh, that's good.
Yes.
Good.
I have not done anything yet.
Oh.
Sorry.
It's good, though.
Oh, there he is!
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny
All right.
You think I am a good fellow?
And jolly.
And so sick... sick.
- Mm.
Sick... of being alone, maybe.
It's your birthday.
It is your special day.
All this is for you.
Plus, cake.
If, uh,
Jay ever shows up with it.
Can it be pie?
- No.
- Pie it is.
I feel better!
You can stay.
You sure, Doc?
You still look kind of pale.
It is my Dutch skin.
You hear that everyone?
Our good cheer has cured him.
I'm gonna get that pie for you.
- Mm-hmm.
Great.
I have enough eggs to last
all night,
but we may need more ice,
because if they don't stay
chilled, they go south fast.
I got you, Deputy.
You got ice down
in that meat freezer
of yours, right?
Do not go down there.
The floor's cracked,
and if you step on it,
you'll break your mama's back. Here.
- What'd he say about my mama?
Today is all
about celebrating
the birth
of a man I murdered
and threw in the frozen lake.
Ice seems appropriate.
Sulfur.
♪
Hello?
♪
Oh...
- Hmm.
- Wow, soda.
You handling
heavy machinery later?
Right, you were out of town.
We haven't talked.
I stopped drinking.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Since when?
- 1:00.
- Last night?
- This afternoon.
You gotta start somewhere.
You know,
been eating healthy...
getting back in shape.
Oh! I even started
going to the gym again.
Wow, I love that.
Feels pretty good.
- Hey,
still waiting on
a invite to come here tonight.
Email not a thing anymore?
Open wide.
- Hey hun.
- Hey.
You, uh, having fun?
Yeah.
Um, are they gonna do
anything about
that sulfur smell?
I'm gonna barf.
I don't smell anything.
Hey, uh, remember
when you were pregnant,
and you had that sense
of smell like a superhero?
Hope you're not pregnant.
Could you imagine?
Yeah, right?
Mmm, I'm gonna get
some sweet gherkins.
You want anything?
Oh, sure don't.
Sure don't.
This is a problem.
Even at birth, my alien kind
is very strong and agile.
That thing
could be anywhere by now.
If it were a fully human baby,
it would be much easier.
Human infants are the only
mammal whose main attribute
is helplessly flopping.
Need some help
with that ice down there, Doc?
No.
I am good at ice-carrying.
You sure?
I'll come down and help.
No, no!
I want to carry it myself.
Ice feels good on my nipples.
Thanks, Doc.
Damn, you smell like sulfur.
What, you have
an outhouse party down there?
No.
It is not sulfur.
What are you, crazy?
It is the deputy's eggs.
They are stinky.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah, those things
are delicious but deadly.
You gotta stop at two,
or it's like eating a butt gun.
I would not fire a gun
made out of butts.
The mayonnaise is homemade,
and I mix the yolks by hand.
- Mm.
- And I don't use
canola oil like most people.
The key is olive oil.
It really brings out
the eggy flavor.
Mm.
Yum.
Just... excuse me.
- Okay.
- Just one second.
- Okay.
♪
♪ And I'm sorry
for all I've taken ♪
♪ And I'm sorry
for all I've let loose ♪
♪
♪ I wanna be true
♪ I wanna be forgiven
♪
♪ For givin' up
♪ On everything I knew
♪
♪ I wanna be true
I'm serious.
If you're wearing nurse scrubs
and you're running,
stores will pretty much
let you take anything for free.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Of course.
No, sorry, anything.
Okay, so I marked
all the military installations
where they could be holding
the alien ball.
I circled the underground ones
nobody knows about.
Ben's throwing a surprise
birthday party for Dr. V.,
but he's just doing that
to trick him
into being town doctor again.
It's this big secret.
Yeah.
I told everyone.
Town doctor?
What happened to Dr. Ethan?
He left town the night
the Men in Black were here.
You mean the night
you told the Men in Black
Dr. Ethan was the alien?
Yeah, that night.
Guess Dr. Ethan
just didn't like it here.
- Is your brain in your butt?
- I hope not.
Don't you realize
what happened?
The Men in Black
took Dr. Ethan.
As soon as
they figure out he's human,
they'll know the alien
is still in Patience
and come back looking for him.
We have to go
to that party and warn Asta.
How?
We have a babysitter.
We'll get her to fall asleep.
I know what to do.
Same way my Aunt Azadeh
conks out when she visits.
- Sleeping pills?
- No...
calm-voiced nature videos.
What you gonna do
with all them pickles?
Uh, those are not pickles.
Those are sweet gherkins,
or, uh, cornichons.
Did you just correct me
on how to say a pickle?
No.
I'm just sayin'.
I'm gonna get some punch.
Hey, how's the punch?
- It fell.
What?
What?
Oh, no.
- Huh?
I didn't--
It's pretty, huh?
Yeah, it's amazing.
I used to spend
a lot of time here
when you were dating Harry.
Oh, yeah.
I wouldn't call it dating.
It was really more
of a drive-by.
So any exciting news?
No,
I haven't taken the test yet.
If I take the test
and it's positive,
then I'm pregnant.
Yeah,
that's not how it works.
♪
You know, I was just talking
to Harry about New York.
All I could think about
was how exciting it would be
to live there, you know?
The art shows,
the theatre, all of it.
Why can't that be my life?
I don't know.
Why can't it?
Because I'm stuck here,
pushing out babies
like a stray dog.
Ugh...
the ones with all the nipples?
- So many nipples.
- Huge, huge nipples.
You adopt one, it turns over. Nipple.
♪
Come on.
Let's go pee on a stick.
Hold your breath.
Liv just brought out
a new tray of eggs.
Ugh.
The size
of the bull elk's antlers
depends on how much
sunlight the elk gets.
Here, this elk basks in the
warm rays of the midday sun.
A full-sized male's antlers
can grow up to an inch per day
during the summer months.
They're typically fully grown
by mid-August.
If he is able to--
Hey!
Where are you going?
- Bike ride?
- Taking out the garbage!
Just come home
before your parents get back.
No drugs!
- She's a horrible babysitter.
- Yeah.
♪
Ooh...
♪
What the hell?
Hmm.
- Harry?
- No, just me.
Just me in here peein'.
- Sorry.
God, I can't hold the stick.
My hand's shaking too much.
Okay, give it to me.
I'll hold it.
I'll hold it.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Okay, it's in position. Go.
And you just pissed
on my hand.
♪
There you are.
What are you doing?
I am enjoying
my birthday candy.
Have you checked on the egg?
'Cause if there's any chance
that it will hatch,
we have to get everyone
out of this party right now.
The party cannot end.
There is pie coming.
Do not worry.
The baby will not hatch.
It is definitely
still inside of its shell.
Nowhere else!
Okay.
It's still a party, though,
so you can't just hide
in the bedroom,
or people will be suspicious.
- Mm.
Come talk to someone,
and don't be weird.
And here we go.
I will talk to Dan
because he has food.
And that is not weird.
Hi, Dan.
Here is some money for my meal,
and I'll also take
a side of fries at the table.
♪
Really sorry about that.
Oh, don't worry.
I've been peed on before.
I have too.
I kind of like it.
I was talking about a frog
I picked up when I was a kid.
Yeah, frogs.
Me too.
- Oh.
Time's up.
Shit.
Congratulations.
You gonna tell Ben
the good news?
Not until I'm convinced
it's good news.
Why?
If you get overwhelmed,
just think back on a time
when life was simple,
and you were just a woman
pissin' on another woman.
You got this, Hawthorne.
♪ Please darlin'
♪ Take mercy on my
broken heart, yeah ♪
♪ And take my soul if
you want what's left of it ♪
You're not gonna believe it.
Eugena Plunkett came in,
saying she saw a UFO
a couple
of months ago in Patience.
Can you imagine?
- That seems... crazy.
Remember that camping trip
when we were kids,
like when Ben saw something,
and he ran, and everyone
followed him,
and I stayed back by the fire?
Yeah, I think so.
But he didn't see anything,
right?
- No.
- No.
Yeah.
No.
But I did.
Really?
What?
A UFO.
A real-life UFO.
Don't you wanna believe...
that we're not alone,
like, that there's something
bigger than us out there?
Sure.
Um, but not in Patience.
I mean, we just barely
got a pizza place.
I am sure
there are not aliens here.
You're probably right.
It's just fun
to think about sometimes.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Jay's here. Okay.
Pretend like you're talking
to me, would you?
I am talking to you.
Right.
Oh God.
I'm so--I just get so nervous
when she's around.
I mean, I've been
giving her space, you know?
But I'm--it just
feels like it's been forever,
and her 18th birthday
is in two days.
Am I talking fast?
- Mm-hmm.
Talking fast.
She's driving now.
Yeah,
she's our best customer.
We've given her,
like, six tickets.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Mm-mm.
Breathe.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- She's coming.
- She's on her way.
- Don't pass out.
- Hi.
- Hey, how are you?
How are you?
I'm good.
Um, so my birthday's coming up,
which you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was there.
Yeah, so... look, I was
wondering if you might want
to do something that day.
Just, um--
just you and me.
- Really?
- Yeah, you know...
just, like, lunch or something.
It's no big deal.
Just hang out.
Uh...
I would love that.
Okay.
Um, great.
Pick me up
at the diner at 1:00?
Maybe we can check out
that new Mexican place?
I can't wait.
Okay.
Um, I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go eat
as much food as I can
before Mr. Hawthorne
kicks me out.
Sure.
Cool.
♪
♪
♪
- Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm great.
I just need to pee.
♪
Let me in.
I know you're upset.
♪
I'm fine.
Just... sneezed.
Um, have you seen Harry?
Don't be too self-conscious.
I had a bunch of them eggs too.
You get in line.
I'ma be a while.
Don't stand by the door
neither, a'ight?
You're the one that said
not to be self-conscious--
Get away from the damn door!
I still see your feet!
- All right.
Ow.
Looking for something?
I wanted to heat up pie.
The baby hatched,
and you knew it!
What?
This is news to me.
How did you
not tell me this sooner?
Stop it.
I saw it in the bathroom!
- And it has teeth!
What kind of baby has teeth?
Oh, an alien baby.
They're very good at ripping
things... or people.
Everyone!
We have to leave the house!
No.
No, no.
I saw it run outside.
Everyone, we need to stay
inside the house!
- Harry...
- We should keep
everyone together.
Outside is not safe.
Now, any cop that's ever
been a cop in D.C.
is there, right?
Which is just--
that's just the way it is at
Kelly's when a cop retires.
So the next thing you know,
we hear all these people
screaming, right?
We don't know what's going on.
Did a fight break out,
you know?
Who knows?
And I look,
and parting the sea of bodies
is a goat.
- What?
- Jesse had snuck a goat
into the bar
and just let it loose.
See, now that was Jesse!
Good to see you laughin'.
Hey Dad, can I talk to you
for a second?
Okay.
Oh, and this other time...
The alien baby hatched.
It's loose!
Is that a bad thing?
It's not a good thing.
Keep everyone together, and
don't let anyone outside, okay?
Harry's really worried.
- He doesn't look worried.
- Huh?
I do not like this gift.
Didn't I, uh, give you that
last Christmas?
Well, maybe
if someone had invited me,
I'd have time to shop.
Plus, it smells like doo-doo,
baby.
Harry, can I ask you
a quick question about the pie?
The mayor gives cheap gifts.
Oh, actually
he worked pretty hard on that.
Not cheap.
Uh, it happens to be beeswax,
nature's gold.
- Isn't gold nature's gold?
Not to Ben.
What if it's outside?
Then maybe we should stay here.
And if we're going
to stay here,
we should open presents.
- Asta! Asta!
- Yeah, do not go outside.
Asta!
We should stay inside
while we can't go outside.
- Come on!
- Come on!
Let's go to the other window.
- Yeah.
♪
Cool, a raccoon!
Aw, look at the cute little--
What the?
Do you know what this means?
Raccoon bones
don't taste good?
Harry is breeding
alien babies.
♪
How long do I have
to keep everybody here for?
I mean, is it safe outside?
Did the "humalien" thing
run away?
I do not know
what the alien will do.
It is a hybrid.
The alien part of it will want
to come back when it is hungry.
It will know
there is food here.
You mean us, right?
No, of course not.
It will want to eat the
egg sack that it was born in.
Okay.
Then us.
- Jesus.
- I'll go downstairs
and look for it,
and maybe snack on the sack.
- Ew.
- I need something savory.
You know, about it maybe
eating us thing...
you got bullets for those guns?
They're all loaded.
The real me was redneck-y.
Hey Dan. Uh...
I've been carrying around some
of Jesse's ashes with me
for a while now, right?
I'm thinkin' maybe it's time
to let him go.
You know, spread his ashes.
I love that idea.
I think you'll be happier not
carrying that weight around.
Yeah.
Well, we used to fish
together a lot.
So I thought about
doing it here, on the lake.
You know, maybe we have
a little memorial for him.
I'd love for you
to be a part of it.
I'd be honored. Anytime.
Great!
All right, let's go.
Uh, not now.
Why not?
Too windy.
Not good ash-spreading weather.
Well, you the expert, right?
I'ma get me some food.
Hey!
Dr. V!
Just, uh, thought I'd say hi.
Wow, great work space.
You, uh, you build birdhouses
down here?
You, uh, you're a tinkerer?
You like to tinker?
Yes.
Sometimes it makes me shiver
because of the warm urine
leaving my body.
Oh no, that's, uh...
Anyway, hey, um,
wanted to talk to you
about something.
Unfortunately, Dr. Smallwood
has decided to retire,
and we have found ourselves,
once again,
without a town doctor.
- And, yes, I can see
by the concern on your face
that you understand
what a difficult position
this puts me in.
But you know
what's even better?
- Is you... returning
as our town doctor.
What do you think?
I will consider it!
Oh!
What the heck was that?
It was an Earth animal.
It's a sick raccoon.
- Mm-hmm.
We should probably go away.
Don't get close to it.
Yep.
Say no more.
That's my cue.
- Mm.
Uh, I'll go warn the others.
Uh... hmm?
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Really?
That's amazing.
♪
♪
You know, if those
raccoons do have rabies,
we should find them
and take them somewhere.
Shit, I ain't messin'
with no damn rabies.
You know 100% of people
who have rabies go insane,
but only 20%
of insane people have rabies?
That's a Internet fact.
Mmm.
Oh.
This stuff's pretty good.
It's spicier than I remember.
It's tangy.
You know?
- I'll have some of that.
- Yeah.
Well, looks like New York's
out of the picture.
What?
Why?
Ben just got a call
from some company
that wants to put
a resort here.
Says he's gonna be
mayor for decades.
Nobody's putting
a resort here.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
He says he took pictures
of the Grady land
to sell them on the idea,
and now they want to do it.
What?
He said he was using
those pictures
for the town website.
What?
Excuse me.
Hey, didn't realize
you were still here.
Yeah, just thought
I'd grab something to eat.
That was like an hour ago.
I guess I've been eating
for an hour.
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
Didn't realize I hired Jughead
to deliver the cake.
Hey,
what are you two talking about?
Oh, I was just catching up
with D'arcy
about the pictures
that you took for the resort.
You know, the ones
that you lied to me about,
that you said were
for the "town website."
Well, I plan on using those
pictures for the town website
as well, so...
not a lie.
Hey, uh,
should I order more food?
'Cause Jay is going through it
like a lawnmower.
Nope, you totally lied to me.
I mean, Jesus.
We spent the whole day
rock climbing, ATVing,
what, so you could
just bring in a resort
and destroy the town?
Uh, you went rock climbing?
A little bit--small rock.
So when I got home from my
mom's, and I said, you know,
"What have you been doing?"
and you said, "Nothing,"
was "nothing" rock climbing
with D'arcy?
Uh... you know, I mean,
isn't "nothing" kind of like
a catchall expression?
I mean, it really could mean
lots of different things.
No.
It means nothing.
You know, what you and D'arcy
did, it wasn't nothing.
It was something,
and for some reason,
you just didn't tell me
about it.
I just didn't think
it was a big deal.
Oh shit.
Uh, look.
I hate to insert myself here,
but it looks like Ben
could use a little help,
so just know
D'arcy kissed Ben,
not the other way around.
He's a completely
innocent bystander.
You kissed Ben?
What a fun development.
You two kissed...
each other!
- I told you to tell her
about the kiss.
You know, this is on me.
I was drunk
and in a really horrible place.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have done it.
It's not Ben's fault.
- Well put.
Well,
if it wasn't your fault,
then why wouldn't you
just tell me about it?
I mean, then again,
why would you?
'Cause I'm only just now
hearing about you putting
a stupid resort in town.
What resort?
You can't put a resort
in Patience.
See?
I didn't tell anybody.
Is this the resort you were
talking about that Ben wanted?
Yeah.
I think it's a bad idea.
so does my mom.
I might've told Mike,
thought he could keep a secret.
You can't keep
secrets from somebody
who buys your bear claws
every morning.
It took two bear claws
to find out about the kiss.
Why is everyone
listening to this?
'Cause you're having a
public fight, and we have ears.
I'm not having a fight.
I am explaining to my wife
why I didn't tell her
about hanging out with D'arcy
a couple nights ago.
So you hung out at night too?
Okay, now it's a fight.
I'm not fighting.
I don't care
if he hangs out with D'arcy.
They're friends.
I--I--
I just don't know
why you wouldn't
just tell me about this.
After we left the Grady land,
D'Arcy came back to the house.
She found some weed that
she had hid in Max's closet,
and we smoked it.
Wait, you hid pot
in my son's closet?
Yeah, but I hid it
back in high school
when I was bangin'
your husband.
Ho, ho, ho...
Thought it was time
for a hard joke.
- No.
- No.
Look, this is ridiculous.
Nothing happened.
She fell asleep.
I tucked her into Max's bed.
End of story.
Wait, you slept over?
Ho, ho, it appears the story
has a few more chapters.
Wait,
you smoked 15-year-old weed?
I did.
It was not good.
- Ben--
- Yes, D'arcy slept over
in Max's bed,
and I am telling you now
because I have nothing to hide.
So where were you when
I came home the next morning?
Ben told me to hide.
I snuck out the window.
I made a gesture.
You took it to mean hide.
I also stole
one of your kid's candy bars.
I'm sorry.
- I can't believe this.
You were hiding in my house?
We hung out after that.
You couldn't just tell me
all of this?
This whole thing was fake.
I really thought
you were my friend.
No, I am your friend.
She apologized
for kissing Ben.
I don't care about that,
okay?
It's a stupid kiss.
Who cares?
D'arcy was drunk and sad.
Big surprise.
You know,
if you didn't freak out so hard
about your husband
hanging a sign on the wall,
maybe he'd tell you more shit.
Oh...
oh, okay that makes sense.
You're
our new interior designer.
Spend your time moving a coffee
table across the room with Ben,
because finding a single guy
who's real and available
is too scary.
Well, maybe you should
learn to talk to Ben
about your feelings
instead of stuffing them
inside a 90-mile
vertical treadmill run.
So is this what you do?
You insert your drama
into other people's lives
'cause you can't deal
with your own?
No, I'm dealing with mine
just fine, all right?
I'm working out.
I'm in shape.
I look great.
I quit drinking for...
four hours--
- You lied to me.
You know what?
No.
I deserved it, because
I have been lying for years.
You wanna know the truth?
I hate it here.
I hate Patience.
I hate my life,
and I hate that I really
thought you were my friend,
and I'm glad
that I pissed on your hand
when I took
that pregnancy test!
What?
I'm pregnant.
- Congratulations!
Well, well, well,
who's keeping secrets now?
Um, not really the road
you wanna be drivin' down
right now.
- Couldn't agree more.
- Okay.
Can you believe this shit?
She actually thinks I'm afraid
of being with a single man
who's real.
That's ridiculous.
Pretty much dead on.
You are also really needy.
- Perfect.
Side with the man.
These guys.
Am I right, Liv?
I'm not afraid of being
in a real relationship.
What?
Oh, coming.
Uh, oh, hey, hey.
Where are you goin'?
Shit, unless you got
another fight planned,
I'm pretty sure that was
the highlight of the night.
No, no.
Um, you can't leave yet...
because we still have cake!
Whoo.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I...
I should've told you
about the D'arcy stuff.
♪
I figure you're probably, at
this point, well aware,
but um,
you're married to a dipshit.
♪
I'm sorry.
I should've told you
about the--
you know...
♪
Why didn't you tell me?
I don't know.
I don't know--I...
Was...
scared, and
we don't really talk anymore.
Anytime anything remotely
uncomfortable comes up,
we just--we just have sex
instead of talking
about what's really going on.
Okay, okay.
Let's talk.
Right now.
We're gonna have a baby.
Yeah.
♪
That's...
a lot.
♪
It's a lot, a lot.
♪
♪ Happy birthday,
dear Harry ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you
You can go ahead
and blow out the candles.
No.
I do not like cake.
Well, if you don't
blow out the candles,
your wish won't come true.
- Mm.
- I'll help you out, Harry.
- Oh.
- Oh.
And someone's having sex
in the bathroom.
Now, do not be concerned.
These old houses...
you can't beat them,
but join them!
Everybody just sit tight,
okay?
Nobody leave.
Dad, can you help me
go downstairs,
check the breaker?
You bet.
Raccoons probably chewed
through the wires.
Yeah, you know,
I got this call once.
It was a woodchuck
that got into a fuse box.
Fried the poor little guy
medium rare.
Do you know
what the crazy part is?
You know what it smelled like?
Caesar salad.
- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Delicious.
Do not worry
about the raccoon.
I'm going outside
to set a trap.
Oh, I don't think
raccoons eat pies.
No.
Harrys do.
You can have garbage cake.
Who keeps loaded rifles
in their house?
We're protecting ourselves
from an outer space egg baby.
That's the question
you're asking, Dad?
Hey, did you steal fruit?
Oh, yes, Mr. Biggins,
I stole all the apples.
I need to be punished.
- How about this?
- Jesus.
I swear, Mr. Biggins,
I didn't mean any disrespect.
- You in the right business.
Baby...
♪
Little baby.
Agh!
Baby?
Come here.
♪
♪
- Whoa.
What are you doing here?
We came to warn you
about the Men in Black.
They took Dr. Ethan.
- What?
In the spring,
Max told them he was the alien.
Hey, you don't speak for me.
Yeah, what she said is right.
Anyway, once they realize
he's a human,
they're gonna come back
for Harry.
Plus, there's an alien baby
killing animals outside,
just FYI.
Yup.
I know about that.
Um, thank you for telling me.
Can you please sneak them home
and make sure
they don't get eaten?
I'll take care of them.
But it looks like
you're not gonna have
any lights for a while longer.
Okay.
What are you guys
even doing here?
Don't you have a babysitter?
It's Ellen.
Say no more.
Okay, get home safe.
I think this is
a really weird party.
- Good cake, though.
- Yeah.
Am I a bad person if I like
seeing other couples fight?
You're a horrible person.
♪
♪
Honey?
What's wrong?
Something happened to me.
There's alien activity here,
in Patience.
I know it.
What are you gonna do?
The only thing I can do.
I'm gonna call
the alien tracker
and tell him
to come to Patience
and find himself an alien.
Sorry about that, guys!
Raccoon definitely
knocked out the power.
Um, until we figure this out,
I think we should
just stay put.
Better call D'arcy.
She just left.
Ugh, damn it.
♪
Hey!
- Hey.
- Oh.
- Nice rifle.
You headed out to scare up
some vittles?
Didn't you hear?
There's a rabid raccoon
on the loose.
Good.
Maybe it'll bite me.
If I start foaming
at the mouth, don't shoot me.
Just...
let me suffer.
Don't listen
to anything she says.
It's not true.
Yeah it is, though.
Do you know what
my very first thought was
when I met Elliot?
- Nice ass?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Do you know what
my second thought was?
"How long till I mess this up?"
♪
What the shit
is wrong with me?
♪
Okay.
So un-mess it.
Call him.
- Yeah, right.
Call him now.
I have a gun.
♪
I'm not calling him.
- Okay, I'll do it.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, I'll just do it.
- You won't do that, 'cause no,
I'll text him.
- I'll call--
Okay, I'll text him!
I'll text him.
♪
♪
What do I even say?
Uh, how about "Hi?"
- That's kind of brilliant.
- Yeah.
Okay, it's sent.
Ugh!
Now I just have to be
nauseous for two weeks
waiting to see if he--
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Hi.
You're a goddamn genius.
Hi.
- Hi.
It's simple.
It works.
- Yes.
- Hi.
Okay, are you
gonna write back?
No.
I mean, in a couple days.
What am I, desperate?
Baby, this is for you.
Mmm.
Come and get it!
Oh.
♪
♪
♪
Hello, Harry.
I'm Goliath.
Goliath.
Why are you inside
a hybrid alien baby?
Clever, right?
I needed to send you a message,
and this is a big one.
First, you need to know that
our people are not coming
to kill everyone.
- Why are they not coming?
Because it's too dangerous.
There's an alien race
that's planning
to take over the Earth.
They're here, Harry.
What alien race?
You must be careful.
They are--
Wha--
Ah.
♪
No...
♪
You should've just stayed
in Colorado and done your job.
You shot me.
Yeah, like you shot
two of my guys in New York.
I should have never made you
kill Sam Hodges.
I should have just
taken care of it myself.
♪
Asta.
♪
♪
Holy shit.
Harry...
♪ A mile and a half
on a bus takes a long time ♪
♪ The odor
of old prison food ♪
♪ Takes a long time
to pass you by ♪
♪
♪ Day upon day,
this wandering gets you down ♪
♪ Nobody gives you
a chance or a dollar ♪
♪ In this old town
♪
♪ Hovering silence
from you is a giveaway ♪
♪ Squalor and smoke's
not your style ♪