Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
The seven Sheriffs of Reno introduce themselves to the new camera crew who are filming there every move. We see just how horribly wrong there every move really is.
So, we're still trying
To work out the bugs
of this bomb-dog camera.
What they do is they give you
a real good shot
And an image of the bomb.
Testing-- 1, 2...
Testing.
Go, go...Go
try it out, boy.
Transmission's good...
( dog panting )
Hello...
Hello, champagne.
Happy new year to you.
Hi, buddy.
Oh, man.
Hey...
Come on now.
Get on out of there,
come on.
Hey, get on out.
Hey, hey, shoo.
Whoo !
Come here !
( tires screeching )
Oh... Ah !
Whoa !
( growling )
( sirens blaring )
( siren wailing )
Good morning, gang.
Hey...
Good morning.
I was checking
the web-browser history
On all the
computers in here.
You can do that ?
Yeah, I was checking all
the browser histories
On all the computers
in the station
Which say
"for official use only"
And here's a couple
of the recent sites
People have been visiting for
official business, I guess--
Sweatersforkittens/store
All those were in the recent
web-browser history--
For official business only.
I'm just gonna volunteer
to help you figure out--
There's nothing
to figure out.
To help you figure out
who did it.
Okay, we don't need
to call scotland yard
To figure who
was looking at...
I was doing some research
for my doctor.
She said, "do things look
different or strange ?"
And I had nothing
to compare it to,
But the cat thing
was not mine.
Sheriff's department !
Honey, are you okay ?
What's the matter ?
Are you okay ?
( sobbing uncontrollably )
It's gonna be okay.
Just breathe.
Take a deep breath.
Deep breath, honey.
Have you been taking
any drugs today ?
Let me see your arms--
hold out your arms.
Let me see your arms.
Okay, you're good.
Do you want a hug ?
( shrieks )
You don't want
a hug, okay.
I feel like
I'm gonna faint now,
We're not gonna let
anything happen to you.
Okay, you have to call--
I'm gonna call an e.M.T.
We need an emergency medical
technician on the scene here.
Reno, reno,
this is 3-adam-32.
We've got a hysterical woman
here at the oasis trailer court.
Okay, someone's
on their way.
( both sobbing )
What happened to you ?
Dangle ?
Dangle ?
Oh, no !
Dangle ?
Do you want me to get
your graham crackers ?
Want your graham crackers ?
Someone's gonna come and
give us some nice sedatives.
Get in.
All right.
Are you okay ?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I don't know what the fuck
she was talking about.
I could have sworn I heard
her say "food stamps."
Somehow you just got to
speak their language, y'know ?
Get 'em in
the fucking car.
She's going to jail.
I don't know what she did,
but she's going to jail.
Test-- 1, 2.
Test-- still no sign
of one-eyed jack,
And I'm fucking hot.
( coughing )
How much fucking car exhaust
do we have to inhale
Before this goddamn
drug dealer
Wakes his ass up
and starts dealing ?
Let's go home.
I don't know...
Fuck it, let's go.
We can go ?
Yeah, get your stuff.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, man, do you
have some smoke ?
Oh, hey, ladies.
You guys smoke
or anything ?
( jamaican accent )
you got smokes ?
You want
a smoke, huh ?
Yeah.
Groovy dreads.
Thanks, thank you.
Your hair is wild.
Yeah, well,
it's, um-- yeah.
That accent is trippy, man.
Where you from ?
Well, I'm from
jamaica, kingston.
Jamaica, mon.
I'm from utah.
Wow, really ?
It's really
hot there, right ?
No, it's about
a mile up,
So it never really
gets above 75.
Wow.
Okay, did anybody else
in here see what happened ?
There's a girl
in the bathroom.
The next time something
like this happen--
And there will be
a next time--
Before you call me,
ask yourself, huh,
"I'm dressed like a trick,
"I'm in a filthy,
disgusting rat hole--
What do I expect
to happen ?"
Huh ?
Whoa ! Ho !
Just shut up.
Whoa.
Okay, okay, okay.
( laughing )
Surprise. You found out
my secret, okay ?
Are you happy ?
Are you happy ?
Yes, I work in
a rat fuck, all right ?
But I need the money.
So go blab it all over
the whole fucking station.
I don't care.
Why you automatically assume
raineesha gonna say something ?
Because you always
say something.
Okay, that's true,
but I'm telling you--
I'm giving you my word
that I'm not.
Do you remember when you saw me
coming out of la clÃnica,
And you didn't
tell nobody ?
Okay.
How much you make ?
I'll walk with about $300
a night, you know,
$500 if there's
a convention.
Yi-yi-yi-yi !
Yi-yi-yi-yi !
Señorita !
♪ I don't know... ♪
Asshole.
Pig.
♪ ba-ba ba-ba ♪
♪ ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ doo-doo-doo-doo
doo-doo ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo doo ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
ba boo boo doo doo ♪
( together )
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
ba boo doo doo ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo doo ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo ahh ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo ahh ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo chsss ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo zwww ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo pow ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo bowwww ♪
How much time
did that kill ?
About an hour.
( siren )
Oh, no.
Man.
Hey, hey, can we
talk to him for a second ?
How you doing
tonight, keith ?
Not too good.
Oh, man, they got
you good, huh ?
Yeah.
Oh, jeez.
Was it the same guys
from last time ?
No, it was
a different group.
Different group,
all right.
One had a gun, and the
other one had the bat.
Two fellas.
And there was a third that
wasn't carrying anything.
Three fellows.
And so, they hit you
with the bat, or...
Oh, they never--
I'm gonna--
( muttering )
they put a hot dog
up my butt...
They put a
hot dog where ?
Up my butt.
They put a hot dog...
Was it hot at the time,
or was it not cooked yet ?
It was hot.
Did the hot dog
have anything on it ?
Was it just
a plain hot dog ?
Just hot-dog grease,
'cause it had just
come off the cooker,
And it was...
Piping hot.
They said they really liked me,
and they just wanted me to...
Be a hot-dog cowboy.
Right.
Something about you
behind that counter
Seems to just
set men on fire.
Seems like they just...
You're rape bait, keith.
Those two guys--
One of them said that.
Called you
rape bait ?
I hate to agree with them,
but I kind of do.
You're doing
something right here.
Keith, you get
rape rookies in here.
You know how odd that is ?
You know how rare that is ?
In a weird way, man--
hey, badge of honor.
People who never,
ever raped a clerk
Say, "I'm gonna
break it in on keith."
I got to balance
my register.
I never really worked one
of these things before.
We're going the
wrong way, I think.
Spin him.
Aah !
Sorry, keith.
Aah !
Shit, sorry.
Are we going the
right way or no ?
We got to do
a pooper check on keith.
Do you have
any kind of long tongs ?
Hey, hey !
Shit, shit, shit...
You gonna stay put
or what, buddy ?
Ah, shit.
Somebody should
get up inside here.
Keith ?
Oh, jesus.
We're gonna have
to do it here, buddy.
Joe, joe. We're
gonna pull the--
Can you give us
a little bit of privacy ?
Yeah, a little bit of...
( blowing )
Here, shine 'em up
real good.
I think it's time
for my homemade brownies.
Aphrodite makes
the best brownies ever.
No, no, no, you didn't.
No, you didn't.
Oh, I'm gonna take a...
He ate the whole thing
at once.
( laughing )
If we gave these brownies
out to everybody, right...
( laughter )
Pretty good.
Whoo !
( siren )
All right,
well, at this point,
We were supposed to watch
a driver-safety film
Entitled
"blood on the highway"
By the department of
transportation safety board,
But you all have been
pretty good,
So I brought in
another film
About highway safety
and law enforcement,
( in falsetto )
a little picture called...
♪ smokey and the bandit ♪
No talking during
smokey and the bandit
If you talk,
that will be one point
on your driver's license,
And there will be a test.
Reno, this is
14-david-21.
We are on the scene.
( tires screeching )
Sheriff's department !
You call 911 ?
Yes, I did.
What's the problem, sir ?
I think you're gonna be
very pleased with me
When I tell you
what it is.
Oh, hello.
I have compiled
a list of 500--
I got 500 cars that have run
the stop sign right here.
Don't bother to thank me,
I've got it right here.
You've made
a citizen's arrest
Or just a
citizen's list ?
It's a citizen's list
Which I hope to become
an arrest with your help.
I got some here
that are very interesting.
Most of the plates
are nevada,
Which, I think,
because we're in nevada.
Adds up.
It makes sense.
I got-- we don't
have indiana.
Look at this--
I got here this one--
A black-and-white police car
ran that light.
I got the
license here- 83752.
It's rhode island.
Yeah, we're allowed
to do that.
That's us.
Oh, that's you ?
This is an ambulance
ran the light here.
Okay, they get
to do that, too.
They can ?
Oh, yeah.
Anything that goes,
"whoo-whoo-whoo."
Now, let me
ask you this:
If you guys drive your own
cars when you're off duty
And you go through that light,
can you arrest yourself, then ?
Oh, hell, I got to
take this, yeah ?
What's it say there
on the invisible radio ?
Uh-huh.
We should really get to that,
don't you think ?
Uh-oh, uh-oh !
My wonder woman radio was going
off, so we should probably--
Why don't we
take this ?
And we will put it
in the file.
Oh, okay.
Well, do you need my name
or social security number ?
We know it.
Do you have a private extension,
if I call again ?
Yes, we do.
It's 1-800-eat-shit
1-800-8-10.
No.
But that's not
enough numbers.
Major bummer, jeff.
I didn't study for my
geometry final today.
I'm, like, totally
gonna fail.
Take a chill pill, susie.
Watch and learn.
( dialing )
9-1-1, I'd like to
report a bomb threat.
( gasps )
Thanks, jeff,
you're da bomb.
Time out, jeff.
Stop, drop, and think.
Every fake bomb threat
you call in
Keeps us from stopping the
hundreds of... Real bombs
Set to blow up in reno
all the time, every day.
Gee, deputy,
I didn't think of that.
One thing
I've learned...
Bomb threats
aren't da bomb.
That's right.
And this is deputy williams
keeping it real--
Real safe.
All right, 28...
What was the bandit's
license-plate number ?
And it ain't "bandit."
A lot of people
get it wrong.
A lot of people think
it's "bandit."
It ain't "bandit."
All right,
final question here--
What color were
sally field's shorts ?
Can you make
that noise doing this ?
It takes me a while.
Hold on,
let me pull over.
Oh, we're in
a school zone.
That's okay.
( squeaking )
( sniffing )
It doesn't smell
when you do that.
I know,
that's weird.
Does yours ?
Gosh, you're better-- no.
( chuckling )
no, it doesn't.
Mine smells a little
like cheetos.
Oh...
Yeah, I smell that.
I smell that.
That's 'cause
I just farted.
( loud rock music plays,
young man screaming )
Oh, sweet lord almighty.
Hey, do you think--
do you think this is where...
They don't even
notice us.
Hey, ho, ho, ho !
Stinky, stinky, stinky.
Holy tamole !
Guess why we're here.
Uh, we were,
uh, we were--
Because you can hear your
crappy band six miles away,
And just constructive
criticism--
You sound awful.
You really,
really sound bad.
Really bad.
My god...
That's real nice.
Is this yours ?
We borrowed that one.
( playing bluesy riff )
Hey, joe, you, uh, you play the
drums a little bit, don't you ?
Yeah, I love
to play drums.
( both playing )
Clemmy, we're going to
need some backup.
Anyway, I'm hoping
That you will break
your celibacy for me.
Oooh, careful !
I'm want to send in
some white light.
You know, bring in
the white light
Into the energy field.
I was only
doing it, like,
To protest the
war and stuff,
I sorta of feel that.
I think the troops
are moving out anyway.
Hey, buddy,
do you mind, um--
Sorry, excuse me.
That's okay.
We'll just wait here.
Let me talk to him
real quick.
Yeah, peace.
( chuckles )
Take your time.
Hey, dude.
( chuckles )
Whoo,
it feels good.
Yeah !
What have we been doing
all our lives ?
Nothing, man.
Risking our necks
for... What ?
I haven't had a beautiful woman
touch me in 15 years, man.
I'm done.
Let's call it.
This is it,
let's quit.
You're buddy, I'm kyle.
All right, kyle.
( both chuckle )
Oh, shit.
What ?
That's him, man.
That's one-eyed jack.
Hey, freeze !
Freeze--
sheriff's department !
Oh, shit,
what was I thinking ?
What the hell
was I thinking ?
I love being a cop, man !
Go on, baby.
Go on.
I thought there
used to be school.
I thought children
used to go to school.
Apparently not anymore.
Apparently not anymore.
Now we drive around, and
they play grand theft auto,
And they get on
the crack pipe at 4:00,
And they're working
for wal-mart.
Mama's in the basement
Doing phone sex
for 8 bucks an hour.
Dad's in the garage
cooking up meth,
Calling some other woman
on the damn phone sex.
In some other basement
coming down off of meth.
A web of fucking evil.
This is the worst country
in the world.
I made up a word game.
I don't really
want to play.
Okay, I'll play
by myself.
No, what's your game ?
Green.
Fun.
Tag.
Blue.
Ways to annoy your
partner who's driving ?
Yeah.
Bingo.
No, it's not bingo,
it's a word game.
Responding to a 9-1-1
suicide attempt.
We got a jumper
on the building.
Yo ! Yo ! Yo !
Hey, hey, hey !
What the hell are you
doing up here, sir ?
I'm base-jumping, baby.
I got my mind set now
on the p-b-js, baby.
We got our mind set
On you coming off this roof
with us, okay ?
I've jumped off the needle,
the sears tower,
The frank lloyd wright house
in highland park, illinois.
Just a ranch house,
but it was a start.
And now I'm ready to rock
this building, baby.
Let's do it,
let's do it !
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho !
You want me
to get down ?
I want you to get down
off the roof, sir.
Well, then,
let's do it, baby !
Ho, ho, ho !
Hey !
Arrrrggghhh !
Holy shit, holy--
we need backup.
( crash )
11-charlie-reno.
We got one, uh,
d-w-g--
Dead white guy.
♪ this ain't the end
I saw you again ♪
♪ today I had to
hide my heart away, uh-huh ♪
♪ you smile like the sun
kisses for everyone ♪
♪ and tales
it never fails ♪
♪ you lying so low
in the weeds ♪
♪ I bet you're
gonna ambush me ♪
♪ you'd have me down, down,
down, down on my knees ♪
( slide-whistle )
♪ barracuda ♪
♪ oh, ohhh ♪
Whoo !
Doctor said that it was
going to come out natural.
Yeah, but we
got to study it,
We got to get it
while it's fresh.
By the time it
comes out natural
These boys could
be in california.
If we can't check it
for prints,
If we can't
check for trauma,
You're painting us
into a corner.
We'll find a quiet spot in
the parking lot out there,
Try and get it out, and
then get you on your way.
And you'll be
good, okay ?
Yeah.
Now, you was facing one way,
hot dog man was behind you.
Are you sure it was
just one hot dog ?
It was a foot long,
but it was just one.
A foot long.
To work out the bugs
of this bomb-dog camera.
What they do is they give you
a real good shot
And an image of the bomb.
Testing-- 1, 2...
Testing.
Go, go...Go
try it out, boy.
Transmission's good...
( dog panting )
Hello...
Hello, champagne.
Happy new year to you.
Hi, buddy.
Oh, man.
Hey...
Come on now.
Get on out of there,
come on.
Hey, get on out.
Hey, hey, shoo.
Whoo !
Come here !
( tires screeching )
Oh... Ah !
Whoa !
( growling )
( sirens blaring )
( siren wailing )
Good morning, gang.
Hey...
Good morning.
I was checking
the web-browser history
On all the
computers in here.
You can do that ?
Yeah, I was checking all
the browser histories
On all the computers
in the station
Which say
"for official use only"
And here's a couple
of the recent sites
People have been visiting for
official business, I guess--
Sweatersforkittens/store
All those were in the recent
web-browser history--
For official business only.
I'm just gonna volunteer
to help you figure out--
There's nothing
to figure out.
To help you figure out
who did it.
Okay, we don't need
to call scotland yard
To figure who
was looking at...
I was doing some research
for my doctor.
She said, "do things look
different or strange ?"
And I had nothing
to compare it to,
But the cat thing
was not mine.
Sheriff's department !
Honey, are you okay ?
What's the matter ?
Are you okay ?
( sobbing uncontrollably )
It's gonna be okay.
Just breathe.
Take a deep breath.
Deep breath, honey.
Have you been taking
any drugs today ?
Let me see your arms--
hold out your arms.
Let me see your arms.
Okay, you're good.
Do you want a hug ?
( shrieks )
You don't want
a hug, okay.
I feel like
I'm gonna faint now,
We're not gonna let
anything happen to you.
Okay, you have to call--
I'm gonna call an e.M.T.
We need an emergency medical
technician on the scene here.
Reno, reno,
this is 3-adam-32.
We've got a hysterical woman
here at the oasis trailer court.
Okay, someone's
on their way.
( both sobbing )
What happened to you ?
Dangle ?
Dangle ?
Oh, no !
Dangle ?
Do you want me to get
your graham crackers ?
Want your graham crackers ?
Someone's gonna come and
give us some nice sedatives.
Get in.
All right.
Are you okay ?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I don't know what the fuck
she was talking about.
I could have sworn I heard
her say "food stamps."
Somehow you just got to
speak their language, y'know ?
Get 'em in
the fucking car.
She's going to jail.
I don't know what she did,
but she's going to jail.
Test-- 1, 2.
Test-- still no sign
of one-eyed jack,
And I'm fucking hot.
( coughing )
How much fucking car exhaust
do we have to inhale
Before this goddamn
drug dealer
Wakes his ass up
and starts dealing ?
Let's go home.
I don't know...
Fuck it, let's go.
We can go ?
Yeah, get your stuff.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, man, do you
have some smoke ?
Oh, hey, ladies.
You guys smoke
or anything ?
( jamaican accent )
you got smokes ?
You want
a smoke, huh ?
Yeah.
Groovy dreads.
Thanks, thank you.
Your hair is wild.
Yeah, well,
it's, um-- yeah.
That accent is trippy, man.
Where you from ?
Well, I'm from
jamaica, kingston.
Jamaica, mon.
I'm from utah.
Wow, really ?
It's really
hot there, right ?
No, it's about
a mile up,
So it never really
gets above 75.
Wow.
Okay, did anybody else
in here see what happened ?
There's a girl
in the bathroom.
The next time something
like this happen--
And there will be
a next time--
Before you call me,
ask yourself, huh,
"I'm dressed like a trick,
"I'm in a filthy,
disgusting rat hole--
What do I expect
to happen ?"
Huh ?
Whoa ! Ho !
Just shut up.
Whoa.
Okay, okay, okay.
( laughing )
Surprise. You found out
my secret, okay ?
Are you happy ?
Are you happy ?
Yes, I work in
a rat fuck, all right ?
But I need the money.
So go blab it all over
the whole fucking station.
I don't care.
Why you automatically assume
raineesha gonna say something ?
Because you always
say something.
Okay, that's true,
but I'm telling you--
I'm giving you my word
that I'm not.
Do you remember when you saw me
coming out of la clÃnica,
And you didn't
tell nobody ?
Okay.
How much you make ?
I'll walk with about $300
a night, you know,
$500 if there's
a convention.
Yi-yi-yi-yi !
Yi-yi-yi-yi !
Señorita !
♪ I don't know... ♪
Asshole.
Pig.
♪ ba-ba ba-ba ♪
♪ ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ doo-doo-doo-doo
doo-doo ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo doo ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
ba boo boo doo doo ♪
( together )
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
ba boo doo doo ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo doo ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo ahh ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo ahh ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo chsss ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo zwww ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo pow ♪
♪ rickety-tickety-doo
doo doo doo bowwww ♪
How much time
did that kill ?
About an hour.
( siren )
Oh, no.
Man.
Hey, hey, can we
talk to him for a second ?
How you doing
tonight, keith ?
Not too good.
Oh, man, they got
you good, huh ?
Yeah.
Oh, jeez.
Was it the same guys
from last time ?
No, it was
a different group.
Different group,
all right.
One had a gun, and the
other one had the bat.
Two fellas.
And there was a third that
wasn't carrying anything.
Three fellows.
And so, they hit you
with the bat, or...
Oh, they never--
I'm gonna--
( muttering )
they put a hot dog
up my butt...
They put a
hot dog where ?
Up my butt.
They put a hot dog...
Was it hot at the time,
or was it not cooked yet ?
It was hot.
Did the hot dog
have anything on it ?
Was it just
a plain hot dog ?
Just hot-dog grease,
'cause it had just
come off the cooker,
And it was...
Piping hot.
They said they really liked me,
and they just wanted me to...
Be a hot-dog cowboy.
Right.
Something about you
behind that counter
Seems to just
set men on fire.
Seems like they just...
You're rape bait, keith.
Those two guys--
One of them said that.
Called you
rape bait ?
I hate to agree with them,
but I kind of do.
You're doing
something right here.
Keith, you get
rape rookies in here.
You know how odd that is ?
You know how rare that is ?
In a weird way, man--
hey, badge of honor.
People who never,
ever raped a clerk
Say, "I'm gonna
break it in on keith."
I got to balance
my register.
I never really worked one
of these things before.
We're going the
wrong way, I think.
Spin him.
Aah !
Sorry, keith.
Aah !
Shit, sorry.
Are we going the
right way or no ?
We got to do
a pooper check on keith.
Do you have
any kind of long tongs ?
Hey, hey !
Shit, shit, shit...
You gonna stay put
or what, buddy ?
Ah, shit.
Somebody should
get up inside here.
Keith ?
Oh, jesus.
We're gonna have
to do it here, buddy.
Joe, joe. We're
gonna pull the--
Can you give us
a little bit of privacy ?
Yeah, a little bit of...
( blowing )
Here, shine 'em up
real good.
I think it's time
for my homemade brownies.
Aphrodite makes
the best brownies ever.
No, no, no, you didn't.
No, you didn't.
Oh, I'm gonna take a...
He ate the whole thing
at once.
( laughing )
If we gave these brownies
out to everybody, right...
( laughter )
Pretty good.
Whoo !
( siren )
All right,
well, at this point,
We were supposed to watch
a driver-safety film
Entitled
"blood on the highway"
By the department of
transportation safety board,
But you all have been
pretty good,
So I brought in
another film
About highway safety
and law enforcement,
( in falsetto )
a little picture called...
♪ smokey and the bandit ♪
No talking during
smokey and the bandit
If you talk,
that will be one point
on your driver's license,
And there will be a test.
Reno, this is
14-david-21.
We are on the scene.
( tires screeching )
Sheriff's department !
You call 911 ?
Yes, I did.
What's the problem, sir ?
I think you're gonna be
very pleased with me
When I tell you
what it is.
Oh, hello.
I have compiled
a list of 500--
I got 500 cars that have run
the stop sign right here.
Don't bother to thank me,
I've got it right here.
You've made
a citizen's arrest
Or just a
citizen's list ?
It's a citizen's list
Which I hope to become
an arrest with your help.
I got some here
that are very interesting.
Most of the plates
are nevada,
Which, I think,
because we're in nevada.
Adds up.
It makes sense.
I got-- we don't
have indiana.
Look at this--
I got here this one--
A black-and-white police car
ran that light.
I got the
license here- 83752.
It's rhode island.
Yeah, we're allowed
to do that.
That's us.
Oh, that's you ?
This is an ambulance
ran the light here.
Okay, they get
to do that, too.
They can ?
Oh, yeah.
Anything that goes,
"whoo-whoo-whoo."
Now, let me
ask you this:
If you guys drive your own
cars when you're off duty
And you go through that light,
can you arrest yourself, then ?
Oh, hell, I got to
take this, yeah ?
What's it say there
on the invisible radio ?
Uh-huh.
We should really get to that,
don't you think ?
Uh-oh, uh-oh !
My wonder woman radio was going
off, so we should probably--
Why don't we
take this ?
And we will put it
in the file.
Oh, okay.
Well, do you need my name
or social security number ?
We know it.
Do you have a private extension,
if I call again ?
Yes, we do.
It's 1-800-eat-shit
1-800-8-10.
No.
But that's not
enough numbers.
Major bummer, jeff.
I didn't study for my
geometry final today.
I'm, like, totally
gonna fail.
Take a chill pill, susie.
Watch and learn.
( dialing )
9-1-1, I'd like to
report a bomb threat.
( gasps )
Thanks, jeff,
you're da bomb.
Time out, jeff.
Stop, drop, and think.
Every fake bomb threat
you call in
Keeps us from stopping the
hundreds of... Real bombs
Set to blow up in reno
all the time, every day.
Gee, deputy,
I didn't think of that.
One thing
I've learned...
Bomb threats
aren't da bomb.
That's right.
And this is deputy williams
keeping it real--
Real safe.
All right, 28...
What was the bandit's
license-plate number ?
And it ain't "bandit."
A lot of people
get it wrong.
A lot of people think
it's "bandit."
It ain't "bandit."
All right,
final question here--
What color were
sally field's shorts ?
Can you make
that noise doing this ?
It takes me a while.
Hold on,
let me pull over.
Oh, we're in
a school zone.
That's okay.
( squeaking )
( sniffing )
It doesn't smell
when you do that.
I know,
that's weird.
Does yours ?
Gosh, you're better-- no.
( chuckling )
no, it doesn't.
Mine smells a little
like cheetos.
Oh...
Yeah, I smell that.
I smell that.
That's 'cause
I just farted.
( loud rock music plays,
young man screaming )
Oh, sweet lord almighty.
Hey, do you think--
do you think this is where...
They don't even
notice us.
Hey, ho, ho, ho !
Stinky, stinky, stinky.
Holy tamole !
Guess why we're here.
Uh, we were,
uh, we were--
Because you can hear your
crappy band six miles away,
And just constructive
criticism--
You sound awful.
You really,
really sound bad.
Really bad.
My god...
That's real nice.
Is this yours ?
We borrowed that one.
( playing bluesy riff )
Hey, joe, you, uh, you play the
drums a little bit, don't you ?
Yeah, I love
to play drums.
( both playing )
Clemmy, we're going to
need some backup.
Anyway, I'm hoping
That you will break
your celibacy for me.
Oooh, careful !
I'm want to send in
some white light.
You know, bring in
the white light
Into the energy field.
I was only
doing it, like,
To protest the
war and stuff,
I sorta of feel that.
I think the troops
are moving out anyway.
Hey, buddy,
do you mind, um--
Sorry, excuse me.
That's okay.
We'll just wait here.
Let me talk to him
real quick.
Yeah, peace.
( chuckles )
Take your time.
Hey, dude.
( chuckles )
Whoo,
it feels good.
Yeah !
What have we been doing
all our lives ?
Nothing, man.
Risking our necks
for... What ?
I haven't had a beautiful woman
touch me in 15 years, man.
I'm done.
Let's call it.
This is it,
let's quit.
You're buddy, I'm kyle.
All right, kyle.
( both chuckle )
Oh, shit.
What ?
That's him, man.
That's one-eyed jack.
Hey, freeze !
Freeze--
sheriff's department !
Oh, shit,
what was I thinking ?
What the hell
was I thinking ?
I love being a cop, man !
Go on, baby.
Go on.
I thought there
used to be school.
I thought children
used to go to school.
Apparently not anymore.
Apparently not anymore.
Now we drive around, and
they play grand theft auto,
And they get on
the crack pipe at 4:00,
And they're working
for wal-mart.
Mama's in the basement
Doing phone sex
for 8 bucks an hour.
Dad's in the garage
cooking up meth,
Calling some other woman
on the damn phone sex.
In some other basement
coming down off of meth.
A web of fucking evil.
This is the worst country
in the world.
I made up a word game.
I don't really
want to play.
Okay, I'll play
by myself.
No, what's your game ?
Green.
Fun.
Tag.
Blue.
Ways to annoy your
partner who's driving ?
Yeah.
Bingo.
No, it's not bingo,
it's a word game.
Responding to a 9-1-1
suicide attempt.
We got a jumper
on the building.
Yo ! Yo ! Yo !
Hey, hey, hey !
What the hell are you
doing up here, sir ?
I'm base-jumping, baby.
I got my mind set now
on the p-b-js, baby.
We got our mind set
On you coming off this roof
with us, okay ?
I've jumped off the needle,
the sears tower,
The frank lloyd wright house
in highland park, illinois.
Just a ranch house,
but it was a start.
And now I'm ready to rock
this building, baby.
Let's do it,
let's do it !
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho !
You want me
to get down ?
I want you to get down
off the roof, sir.
Well, then,
let's do it, baby !
Ho, ho, ho !
Hey !
Arrrrggghhh !
Holy shit, holy--
we need backup.
( crash )
11-charlie-reno.
We got one, uh,
d-w-g--
Dead white guy.
♪ this ain't the end
I saw you again ♪
♪ today I had to
hide my heart away, uh-huh ♪
♪ you smile like the sun
kisses for everyone ♪
♪ and tales
it never fails ♪
♪ you lying so low
in the weeds ♪
♪ I bet you're
gonna ambush me ♪
♪ you'd have me down, down,
down, down on my knees ♪
( slide-whistle )
♪ barracuda ♪
♪ oh, ohhh ♪
Whoo !
Doctor said that it was
going to come out natural.
Yeah, but we
got to study it,
We got to get it
while it's fresh.
By the time it
comes out natural
These boys could
be in california.
If we can't check it
for prints,
If we can't
check for trauma,
You're painting us
into a corner.
We'll find a quiet spot in
the parking lot out there,
Try and get it out, and
then get you on your way.
And you'll be
good, okay ?
Yeah.
Now, you was facing one way,
hot dog man was behind you.
Are you sure it was
just one hot dog ?
It was a foot long,
but it was just one.
A foot long.