Reno 911! (2003–2009): Season 6, Episode 1 - Training Day - full transcript

Oh. Oh, wow. Holy poop.

I thought we got cancelled.

[Applause]

No. Ha. That is
the weirdest thing ever.

I could have sworn for sure
we were cancelled.

Oh, jeez.
[Sniff]

Hey, Frank.
Hey.
How you doing?

You got a little,
uh...

Thanks.

Uh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy.

What have you missed
since you've been here?



Um, jeez, so much
has happened.

Uh, we finally got
those new light bulbs

That save us about 3 cents
every 3 days on electricity.

Um...we got a new kind
of hepatitis.

It started right here
in our jail.

So if you catch hep R,
you can thank us.

We got that one
going for you.

Mayor Hernandez got
elected again...

Despite being actually
videotaped, uh...

Smoking crack cocaine,
but, uh...

He got the Latino vote.

Cindy's still here
doing terrific,
aren't ya?

How's your English
coming?

I've been practicing
a lot with you,



Handsome guy.

Ha ha!
Ha ha!

Ok, and we never ever
call the lieutenant
a handsome guy.

We just call them...

Lieutenant handsome, right.
Lieutenant.
That's right.

Sorry.

And I notice
there's no glitter
on those today.

No, and no nipple
showing today.

Great job. We're
making improvements
every single day.

And let's turn off
the, uh, the TV.

[Turns off TV]
thank you so much.

Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh,
what else?

A couple deputies got burned up
in that horrible explosion at
Taco's, Taco's, Taco's.

We got the new light bulbs,

New kind of hepatitis
started here.

That's really about all the news
that I can think of.

Man: ...is not here,
I'm in charge.

Thank you, sergeant Jack.

And let's see.

Couple of deputies got exploded
in an explosion...

New light bulbs, got a new kind
of hepatitis.

We didn't get cancelled.

Oh.

Oh, oh!
Something huge!

The new coffee cups
came in.

Hey!
Hey!

Ha ha!

Stop!
Son of a bitch!
Goddamn it!

Huh!

Hang on, I'm coming!

Woo-Hoo!

Ow!

Push 'em.
Push 'em together.

[Indistinct]

Oh, god!

[Sirens approaching]

[Bang, bang,
click, click]

Uh! Uh!

[Indistinct]

Aah!

Captioning made possible by
mtv networks

Dangle:
good morning, gang.

All: morning.

[Yawns]

Lieutenant's about
to start.

Let's focus up
and give him
our attention.

Thank you, Jack.

Uh, could I ask today,

Could we get
a fresh start today?

Let's not--Let's just not
all go running out of
the building

If we hear
the ice cream truck.

Please.

That happened once.

Yesterday.
And it looked really bad.

I didn't know there was
a news crew across the street

Filming whatever
they were filming.

It just--It looks--
It doesn't look great.

Could we just give
all the money
to one person,

And then
if we hear it...

Very good idea.

This will be the new plan.

The new plan is
we will have a bag man, ok?

May I tell you
the nightmare
in that scenario?

Sure.

Change.
That is a nightmare.

You go there with
all this different money,

People ordering
different things,

You know,
boppity bop bop.

And you come back,
how do you give the change?

Ok, let's get a task force
together on this,

But I think here is
basically the plan.

The plan is we have
a go-to bag man,

And we all know
who the bagman is

If the ice cream truck
is coming by.

I have an idea.

Bagman--I haven't
called on you yet.

Trudy.

What if we all just get
the same thing.

No, well, no,
no, no, no!

This isn't Russia.

This is
a non-Communist country.

Not a communist
country.

No, thank you. We will not
all get the same thing

If the ice cream truck
comes.

What we will do is
we'll have a plan, ok?

A plan.

[Ice cream truck music]
ice cream truck.
Ice cream truck.

No, goddamn it!

Ok, stop that.
Get me a...

Screwball!
What do you want?

Screwball!

Dangle:
sheriff's
department!

Sheriff's department.

Hey, how y'all doing?

This is private
property, sir.

It certainly is.

Private property.
Not your property,
sir.

Mrs. Henderson called.

She said there's a black man
dressed up like a cow

On crack cocaine
harassing her goats.

Ok, she did?
She did?
Yeah, she did.

That goat was
harassing me.

Really?
Excuse me.

That goat was
harassing me!

What did the goat
say to you?

What did the goat
say to you?

He said, hey, man,
why you up in this pen

With your--
I know you ain't a cow.

I said I didn't say
I was a cow.

Your story
doesn't check out.

This story doesn't
check out.

What did she say?
Tell me what she said, then.

Black man,
cow costume,
crack cocaine,

Harassing my goats,
trespassing on my property.

Ok, you know what?

Let's refute those
one by one.

Ok, I'm gonna refute 'em
one by one.

Crack head.

I can't refute
that one, OK.

Dress up like a cow.

Well, I'm o for 2, then,
fine.

Harassing my goats.

That I didn't do
'cause I was up in here.

We're watching
you right now!

We saw you do it!
I saw you do it!

I wasn't harassing them,
man!

I was over here.
This m--This little--

Don't point at him.

Ah!
Son of a bitch.

Goddamn it!

Stop!
Goddamn it!

Freeze!
Goddamn it.

The crack makes 'em fast.

He's heading
straight to mountain
lion country.

You know what?
They'll take care of him.

Mountains lions
will get him.

It's the circle of life.

Ok, this undercover operation
will be called

Operation cobra fist.

You will be trailing
Jesus del Gallos.

Scumbag.

Known PCP dealer.

Standard cover.
Don't get too close.

He's a dangerous mofo,
del Gallos.

Catch him, bring him in.
Any questions?

You sound awkward
when you say mofo.

I felt bad as soon
as it came out of my mouth.

Yeah, you don't own it
so it sounds weird.

He's a bad guy.

Oh, and Jack wanted--
He wanted to give you...

You want a new--

He wanted to give you
a whole speech about it

Now you're partners
and--And...

Yeah, well--

He's been practicing
all morning.

That's not true.

Yes, you were.
I heard you practicing.

No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.

No, it was
something else.

What were you practicing
in the locker room?

Doesn't matter. Ok.
Do it.

Look, guys, you're
partners now.

It's what he was
practicing in the locker ro.

No, it's not.

You're partners now.
Yeah.

That's stronger
than the bond

Between a man
and a woman.

That's stronger
than the bond

Between priest
and confessor.

It was shorter
when I heard it
in the locker room.

It's like
romantic love.

I want you to look
at each other
right now.

Wait, wait.
Jack, quick, quick time out.

The one you were practicing
in the briefing--

In the locker room this
morning-- I wasn't
practicing.

The one you were
practicing this morning

I though was better
and more fun.

Jim, what is
operation cobra fist mean?

What is that?

It's, like one of the--

You know, the fist
of the a cobra's.

Frank: but they don't
have hands.

[Tires screech, crash]

Uh, my name is
frank Salvatore Rizzo.

I'm the youngest of 3 of
rose Marie and Salvatore Rizzo,

Grandson of Lenny and Fina Rizzo
and Cornelius and Mary lynch.

I was born in
Ozone Park, Queens,

Which for mistakes that
I fully take responsibility for

I am banned from.

Dangle: so we've got an employee
here who's been terminated

But will not leave the building,
and security called us.

Sheriff's department.
Hey. Mr. Shahim?

Yeah.
What's up?

Uh, security called us.

You've been terminated.

They've asked you
to leave the building.

Yeah.
I think there must be
some sort of mistake.

No. No, sir.
There is not, ok?

Let me make a phone call.

I built this place.
No, no. You may
not make a phone call.

Let's talk about that
outside.

You see the pantomime
watch I'm gesturing at?

Yeah.

That means I don't have
all day.

Ok. Great.

You know who else
doesn't have all day? Me.

You know what? If
you have a problem
with this company,

You got to take it
up with them.

Let's settle it outside.

Let's talk about this
outside.

We just want to
escort you out.

We can talk about it
outside.

I'll talk about that
with my boss.
Ok.

You talk about it
with go fuck yourself
outside of my office.

Time to go!
I'm gonna fall over.

No! No, no.

Now we're going wrong.
We're going wrong.

Ok.

No.

Shahim:
I'm back in the office.

I'm back
in the office.

I'm back in the office.

I'm back
in the office.

All of your progress
has now been thwarted

Because I'm back
in my own office safely.

No.

I'm bringing this fucking
with me because I bought it.

No, no.

Put it down.

Put the fern down,
put the fern down,
put the fern down.

Hey, way to go.

Way to fucking back up
your co-Workers.

Way to back up your fucking
co-Workers, everybody.

I'm bringing the fucking printer
with me, also.

No, no.

You have a pen?
Anyone have a pen?

Don't get
the checkbook out.
Don't do that.

I'm gonna write a 7,
and I'm gonna start
writing zeroes.

I don't want
to tease you.

It's up to one zero.

That's 70?
Where were we?

You get either $7.00
or $70.

70 dollars?

I look like the sort
of person who would
let you go for $70?

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

He's got the run.

No, no.
Ha ha!

Ok.
Yep.

Wrist control.
Feel that?

You know what that is?
Feel that?

What is it?
What is it?

That's wrist control.
You feel that?

Really?
Because look at that.

Look what I'm doing.
Ok. That
wasn't perfect.

You're not controlling
my wrist at all.
It wasn't perfect yet!

I'm getting arrested for nothing
by these idiots.

Ok.

I have a gun now!
No, no,
no, no, no.

Yeah.
I have a gun.

You don't want
to do that.

I got a gun.
What happens now?

What happens
now?

You shoot him,
I shoot you.

That's what happens now.

Cool.
Where does that leave him?

Wait. Where does
that leave me?

I don't know about you guys,
but I really don't have much
to live for.

I have no friends,
I hate my job, and
most of all, I hate myself.

I can't think of anything to do
but kill myself.

Trudy:
hold it right there.

Before you take
the easy way out,

Why not check the Reno sheriff's
department suicide
prevention webpage?

It's suuuper fun!

You'll find hours...
and hours of things to do

To keep you having fun and keep
your mind off of suicide.

Games!

Word jumbles!

Sodoku!

Word scrambles!

And suggestions
for terrific hobbies

Like fishing, knitting,
and word scrambles.

Thanks, Reno sheriff's
department.

Now that I have some fantastic
new hobbies, I don't want to
kill myself anymore.

The Reno sheriff's department
suicide prevention webpage--

The most fun you can have
not killing yourself.

It's superfun!

Uh, I've served
in Newark, Philly.

Then I went down to Homestead,
Florida, worked in Miami,

Went up to Pompano.

I did a couple of joint task
forces in El Paso and st. Louis,

Spent one day in Juneau,
one day,

And a couple of months
in Salt Lake City,
and then I ended here.

I got a lot of experience.

I got a lot of experience.

Frank Rizzo is a man with a very
long resume in law enforcement

Without so many recommendations.

Not one letter
of recommendation
in the file, not one.

So you take--You know,

They kind of balance
each other out.

Long list of credits,
no, like, "hey..."

"Hey. Thumb's up."

Frank: uh-Huh. Oh!

Jones: all right, Franky,
let's go bust this guy now.

No. We got to wait.

He hasn't made the deal.

If he doesn't make the deal,
he doesn't get the stuff.

He doesn't have the stuff,
we don't get the collar.

Oh, shit, shit, shit. Just--

Girl: fucking cops.

They're looking at us.

I know they're looking.
Listen. Just relax.

I'm gonna go over there,
I'm gonna just settle them.

No.
Don't go over there.

Trust me on this,
all right?

I worked in Newark.

Ok.

What should I do?
Should I just--

Woman: I can do
all the things
a lady can do but one.

Oh, yeah?
I love that.

Yeah.

Ok.
He's coming back.

Should I start the car
and get the hell out of here?

Here's what
we're gonna do.

We're gonna go behind
the dumpster and get
BJ's.

I am not--I'm not
going to do that.

Listen.
Listen to me.

Do you want to let
this guy go?
No!

Man up!

Jesus Christ!

Uh, this guy's
named Reggie.

Woman: oh, my god.
You didn't tell me
he was gorgeous.

Yeah.

I need to give her--
You need to give her $60.

Oh. All right.
60?

I don't want to go.

Yeah, you do.

I don't want to--
I don't want to.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, oh.

I'll bet you $1,000
you've tossed somebody's
salad before socially,

Not in a jail situation.

No.
Uh-Uh.

1,000.
Come on!

$1,000.

Come on.
Come on.

We got a jail
cell with your
name on it.

Can I just--Can I--
Seriously?

Mr. Shahim,
get in the car.

You know what?

I'm tired,
I'm tired.

We got a jail cell
says, "Jack Shahim,"
right on it.

Jack Shahim?
Yep.

My name's Daniel Shahim.

Check my I.D.,
dumb ass.

Now if you're gonna take me
to jail, take me to jail.

That's fine, OK, but I just want
you to see something real quick.

Come here.
Huddle up.

Um, we actually do
have the wrong guy.

We're supposed to have
a James Jack Shahim.

This is Daniel Shahim.

This is your mistake.

What building--
Oh, shit.

14144.

Oh, they go odd.

The odds are
on that side.

We're about to meet with
a confidential informant

I made contact with
when I first got to Reno.

First time I'm working
with a partner.

Now I want you to take
a backseat on this, OK?

I've got a lot of
experience with this.

I don't want you
to spook him.

Oh.

Hey, Big T.

Meow!

Ruff ruff!

Pbbt pbbt pbbt.

Pppt pppt pppt.

Is that him?

That's him.

What's the word
on the street?

The streets are
getting crazy.

A lot of stuff's
going down.

You want to add some specifics
to that?

We got some, uh,
a couple zombies building
some time machines.

He talks in code a lot.

Mm-Hmm.

That's how they
do it on the
streets, huh?

That's how we do it.

Got to keep it
on the down low.

So we got zombies.

Yeah.
Time machine.

I take that to be drug users
and some time machines.

Means we got someone--

Machines that go
back in time.

Right.

Mm-Hmm.

What else you got for me,
Big T?

There's a big, uh,
diarrhea embargo
going down at midnight.

Tonight?

Yeah.

Look. You got to let me know
what this is.

What's
a diarrhea embargo?

Yeah.
What is that.

That will get me killed
if I give that up.

I swear to god
I will protect you.

Why are you so skitterish
today?

It's--I had
a big breakfast.

A big breakfast,
or is this a code?

No. It's--I literally
mean it was a...

You just had
a huge breakfast?

A huge amount
of breakfast foods.

Welcome aboard.

Kid's a wealth
of information.

Ha ha ha ha!

I'm delighted to have
a new right-hand man.

Jack Declan, I think, is
an outstanding officer.

Comes us to by way of the
Chicago police department.

Um, also young
Franky Rizzo.

I will say
on a serious note

Nothing can ever, uh,
make up for the loss

Of, um, uh...those ones.

Uh, the--The black guy?

No. The black guy
didn't--No.

The black guy's fine.
He's still there.

And the--Come on.

The little--
Chinese one.

Nothing could ever
make up for the loss
of our fallen deputies,

But we got some
great new additions.

Carol.

That was not--Never.
We never had a carol.

So we just got a bj
by a dude.

You know that, right?

It's my bad.

That was my bad.

Oh, man,
oh, man, oh, man.

This is not good, man.

This is not good.
They're noticing us.

Our cover's gonna
be blown, man.

Well, let's get
the hell out of here.

No, no. We're not
gonna get the hell out.

This is what
we're gonna do.

We got to go up there,
buy some drugs,

And snort some drugs
with those guys.

What?

We got to do this, or our
cover's gonna be blown.

Jones: what it be?
What it be like? Huh?

Hey, man.
Same old shit is right.

I want to mix it up
a little bit.

Hey, man.
We're looking
for a party, man.

Yeah.
We want drugs.

There we go.

What up, homey?

Whoo!
Come on.
Let's go.

We're getting
more blow jobs.

Time to get
more blow jobs.

Sheriff's department.

Sheriff's department.

Wow!
What a surprise to see you here.

Yeah.
How you doing?

Heil Hitler.
Hey.

And also with you.

Mademoiselle.

Do you know
why we're here?

I'm assuming to taste
some of our delicious
new Chardonnay.

It is delicious
and light.

It's like swallowing
a spring breeze

That was made
by peaches and angels.

Ooh. I thought were
gonna say peaches and herb.

I like them, too.

This is why
we're here.

"Washoe Chardonnay:

A superior white wine
for the superior white race."

Yeah. This is not
testing well amongst
people in the neighborhood.

Really?

Yeah.

But have the people
in neighborhood--

You want to hold it
by the stem, dear,

Because your body hand--
You're so warm and hot

And filled with
African rage,

It's gonna
warm that up.
She eats like an animal.

Ma'am, please,
do me the honor...
it's peppery.

By putting that up
to your big, old lips.

She loves pepper.
All right.

Go ahead.
Hold that up there.

"Mein Kampf" Chianti?

Yeah.
You know?

You don't see how this could be
offensive to someone,
someone jewy?

Well, OK. I don't
use that word.

I prefer things like
"my Hebraic neighbors."

You know, we always save
a glass for Elijah.

Mmm. Now try
that one.

That is gonna melt
your tits.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Hitler's on to something
with this one.

Well, he had
a couple good ideas.

Gary.

Yes, ma'am?

Admittedly,
your wine is fantastic.

Well, thank you
very much.

Not the issue.

It's the labels people
are having a problem with,

And another thing.
Are the cheeses free?

Yes, absolutely.
Help yourselves,

And you know what
else is free?

For officers
of Washoe county,

Any bottle is yours.

How about
two bottles?

Two bottles and
bienvenue, enchante.

I'm gonna
tell you something.

Yes, ma'am?

I don't like your style,

But you ain't got to
tell me that but one time.

All right.

How about some buttery crackers,
too?

Absolutely
if you want.

This cracker--Heh.
Wait a minute.

What did you call me?

Ha ha!
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I wasn't trying
to make a joke.

I was gonna say...

This cracker wants me
some "Mein Kampf"
zinfandel.

Keep an eye on Rizzo.

Let's call this operation
hide the salami.

You know what?
No.

We're not gonna
call it that.

That's what we're
calling it.

No, we're not.

You're gonna keep
an eye on Rizzo...

I will never refer to it as--
If you think he's dirty...

I will never refer
to it as operation
hide the salami.

What do you want
to call it?

Just call it--
Call it anything.

It's not like that.
It's not espionage.

It's just--
But it kind of is.

I'm asking you
to keep an eye on Rizzo.

If you think he's dirty,
I want to know.

Call it keep
an eye on Rizzo.

No.
We'll call it--

How about we'll call it
watch-A the salami?

How about
watch the salami?

Why does it have to
have a salami in it?

I'm not gonna remember
what this operation is

Unless it has
salami in it.

Tss tss tss tss
tss tss tss.

Come on, big fish.

Come on, you big,
fat fish.

There you go.

Ok. Are you gonna
go out front,

And do I flank the--
Do I flank the back?

Relax, relax.
Just relax.

Jesus Christ!

You're like a
goddamn naggy witch.

[Sniffing]

Why are you--
What are you doing?

I'm gonna go in there,
and I'm gonna buy
a shitload of drugs.

Why?

But I only got $15,
so give me your money.

No. I'm not
giving you money--
I understand.

I'm not giving you
more money, Franky.
I understand.

Give me
the fucking money.

Give me
the fucking money.
I mean it.

Give me some fucking
money, give me
your credit card,

Give me the
whole fucking wallet

Because I'm getting
a lot of fucking drugs.

I'm gonna get the fish!

Fine, Franky.
All right?

I'm gonna
get the fish.

This is against
procedure, Franky.

It's not against--
It's against--It's
against my balls.

Franky.
Do you love America?

I love America,
but what the fuck
is the cue?

Doosh.

All right.

All right.

I--I got a blow job
by a guy, did coke,

And then got another
blow job by another guy.

This guy's crooked.

I'm going in.
I'm gonna bust Franky.

Fuck this shit.

I'm gonna bust Franky.

Now come on!

Bozo!
Ha ha!

Look what happened!
Look. We got the fish!

We hooked the fish,
Jonesy!

Ha ha ha!
Whoo!

Oh. Surprise, surprise.

It's a lot.

50/50 we split this?

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.
It's a joke.

It's a joke.
It's a joke.

I'll tell you something.

You're a patriot,
and you love America.

Can we celebrate
with some blow jobs?

You know what?

I want to negotiate
right now

Because I know you guys
fucked up.
No, we didn't.

I want to negotiate
right now.
No, we didn't.

Yeah, yeah.
I get to--

I get to cradle him
like a little baby
for 30 seconds.

No, you don't.

No.

Or I'm gonna call
your guys' superior.

Ok, fine. Do it now,
do it fast.
Do it right now?

Just do it fast,
do it fast.
Ok.

Cradle down.

Jesus Christ.

You're a baby.
Jesus Christ, man.

You're a baby.
Say, "I'm a baby."

I'm a baby,
I'm a baby.
Say it.

Say, "I'm a baby."

I'm a baby,
I'm a baby.

"I'm a cute,
adorable baby."

I'm a cute,
adorable baby.

He's a baby.
I'm a cute,
adorable baby.