Relic Hunter (1999–2002): Season 1, Episode 11 - Irish Crown Affair - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[SWORDS CLANGING]

[MAN SCREAMS]

The enemy has been vanquished.
For the glory of Ireland!

For the glory
of our beloved king!

It was a great victory.
But at what cost? Lives, blood.

All we wish is to live in our
own land in peace,
free of invaders.

You've served me well in
battle, Hugh O' Donnell.
Now join me in prayer.

[HORSE NEIGHING]

We pray for forgiveness
and the consolation...

[GROANING]



[METAL CLANGING]

Now you must pray for me.

My liege.

Guard the crown 'til the
rightful successor is found.

Promise me you'll do that,
for the good of our Ireland.

It shall be done, my liege.

[SLOW EXHALATION]

It shall be done.

SYDNEY:
Practicing a lot...

BRANT:
Four times a week.

SYDNEY:
That's not enough.

BRANT:
We'll see about that.

SYDNEY:
Adjust your parry.
Keep your guard up.

Ooh, nice form.



BRANT:
Thank you.

SYDNEY:
You'll have to do better
than that.

BRANT:
How about this, then?

Sure I won't be
interrupting?

Oh, don't worry. She's
always fencing or boxing or
swimming or something.

I don't know why.

Whoa. Cool move.
Where'd you learn that?

Belize.

Is that next to
Pizza Heaven on Pine?

No.

Across from The Beer Barrel,
downtown.

Uh, why don't you hit the
showers, Brant?

Right.

Hi!

I thought you were
still away at
Harvard.

I had to see you.

It sounds serious.

I need your help, Sydney.

Brant, is it?
Yeah.

Claudia.

No, Brant.

No, me Claudia. You Brant.

Right.

You've got a great butt,
Brant.

Yeah, I work out a lot.

You know, I take long lunches...
really long lunches.

Monday and Wednesday I usually
concentrate on cardio.

But that's just for the
health.

The weights are
what's really important,
and I like to...

Brant?

Hit the showers.
Yeah.

Have you every heard of the
crown of King Brian Boru?

Uh, crown of the last king of
Ireland, it's been lost for
a thousand years.

I might know where it is. And a
friend of mine might be dead
because of it.

SYDNEY:
How's your dad?

GIRL:
Fine. A little grouchy.

This is a surprise?

Our fathers were good friends.
Sydney was like a big sister
to me.

Tell me about your friend.

Sean Banning. I've never
actually met him, except
on the Internet.

No, no, no, not like that.
Not in one of those...

Chat rooms that's devoted
entirely to the purpose of
talking raunchy.

Well, we're both PhD
students. He's at
trinity college in Dublin.

He mentioned that he'd come
across an ancient poem

that had a clue about the
missing crown.

What makes you think something
might have happened
to this Sean Banning?

Well, he was being followed,
then his house was ransacked,
then nothing.

I mean, no more e-mails.

I have a phone number for him,
but there's never any
answer.

The whole thing could be a hoax.
Maybe there is no poem.

It arrived a few days ago
with a note.

Where did he find this?

At a flea market
just outside Dublin.

"Please keep this safe for
me. I fear for my life,
Sean."

Don't worry.
We'll take care of everything.
Thank you.

My Gaelic's a little rusty.

It's... uh, it's
actually middle Gaelic,
much older.

The symbol of Irish honor
is our crown. Into foreign
hands it did not fall...

The protector O'Donnell
did take it, and still
the O'Donnell's heed the call.

The king's right-hand man
was Hugh O'Donnell.

But when the English invaded
Ireland,

the O'Donnell' descendants swore
loyalty to the hated English
King Henry the Second.

The O'Donnells have been
branded as traitors ever
since...

They may not have been.

What makes you say that?

Towards the end it says,

when the real story is
told, the O'Donnells
shall lose the shame of old.

Yeah, but the real ending
is missing.

These poems usually have
21 lines.
This one only has 17.

The last four lines of the
poem hold the secret to
where the crown is.

I think so. All I really care
about is Sean. Will you help me?

Yes. Of course.
Of course.

Okay, so you two check on Sean.
I'll go to the flea market,
see what I can dig up.

Okay.

GIRL: This is the building.
NIGEL: I hope he's okay.

[KNOCKING]

Sean?

There's no sign
of any trouble.

[DOOR THUDS]

I'm warning you.
One false move,
and I'll shoot.

Well, in that case, perhaps you
should release the safety catch.

Safety catch? Where's that?

You must be Sean Banning.

Oh, no. Sean is muscular and
athletic with ...curly hair.

He sent you a photo?

Well, no,
but on the Internet
he's...

I've got muscles...
they're just temporarily
obscured.

Anyway, who are you two, and
what are you doing in my home?

Sean, it's me! Molly!

Molly!

I'm so glad you're
okay. When you didn't return
my calls I was so worried.

Did you get the poem?

Yes. Don't worry,
it's safe.

SEAN:
Who's this, then?

This is Nigel. He came over
with my friend Sydney.
They're going to help us.

Oh. It's been treacherous
since the break-in. I've been
taking every precaution I can.

Is that why
you left the door unlocked?

Damn.

I've been hiding out of my
own house. It's not that
I'm a coward or anything...

it's just that I'm...

Petrified.
Careful.

Sean, do you have any idea
who's been following you,
who ransacked your house?

No.

Have you been to the police?

I was afraid. If word got out
about the poem, it might
attract even more attention.

The poem refers to the
O'Donnells. That should be
our starting point.

Yeah. The head of the clan
lives here, in Dublin.

The O'Donnells. Traitors
they are. I'd better come
with you.

They'll probably put up a
resistance. But I can
beat it out of them!

Sean, Sean, maybe
you should stay here.

You could be in danger
going out.

Right.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Thanks. Looks like the
O'Donnell's have gone down
a bit in the world.

It's hard to lose the label
of "traitor."

Excuse me... we're looking
for Michael O'Donnell.

Would you know
if he's home?

Yes indeed. He seldom leaves.

He's a crusty old bugger. I
don't think you'll really want
to be talking to him.

We'll be deciding who we
want to talk to and who we
don't, thank you.

I'm sure that's true. I'm just
telling you, you're much better
off talking to me.

If I need my car repaired,
I'll talk to you.
Until then...

[DOOR OPENS]
I'm Michael O'Donnell.
What's your business here?

Mr. O'Donnell, sorry to
call unannounced. My name is
Nigel Bailey. I'm a...

Get to the point.
What do you want?

We'd like to ask you about
your ancestors,

Hugh and Liam O'Donnell,
and King Brian Boru.

If you could just spare us a few
minutes...

I could spare you a greeting
with this for trespassing.

You've got one minute to
get off my property before I
call the police,

or see to your departure myself.

Um... taxi!

Told you you'd be much
better of talking to me.

And you. Get that bucket of
bolts out of my driveway

before I have the towing company
do it for you.

NIGEL:
Taxi! Taxi!

It's just a temporary dead end.
We run into them all the time,
it never stops us.

Sydney's lucky to have
an assistant like you.

Nigel's more like
a partner.

Really?

Really? I mean, really.

Many's the time when he's
come up with just the right
idea at just the right time.

Yes, well, I'm
definitely the junior partner.

Still, it has taken me, us,
all over the world.

A few scrapes with death,
you get used to the danger.

I'd love to hear all about it.

Really?

You didn't find anything at
the flea market?

A really cool Celtic cross.
Nothing that
related to the poem.

Oh, we didn't order.

Aye, courtesy
Mr. O'Donnell.

Maybe the old geezer regrets
how rude he was this morning.

We were
never properly introduced.

I'm Garrett... O'Donnell.

The latest in a long line
of traitors.

The old man was...

Ah, me own sweet da.

Maybe you could tell us
something about
your family history.

I really couldn't care
less about that.
It's all a bunch of lies.

You know what they say...
history's written by the
winners.

This is a matter
of Irish heritage.

We're searching for a
national treasure.

National this, national that.
We're all Europeans now.

Yes but you must still feel
proud about...

About what? About something that
happened a thousand years ago,

or didn't. You got to live
in the present, girl.

I'm beginning to see a
distinct resemblance between
you and your father.

Care for a game of darts,
Nigel?
You do know how to play?

Well, I'm British,
aren't I?

I like her.

She seems to have
that effect on men.

Beat that one, Englishman.

You... you put passion into
everything, don't you?

What else is life for?

Right well, it's been a
while since I've played.

I'm, uh... I didn't
mean to, uh...
I'm awfully sorry.

Did you think that was funny?

No, not at all, just purely
a slip of the wrist.

I'm sure he'll listen
to reason. How about
I buy you a drink.

Listen to this English poofter.

Um, actually, that's an
offensive term,

and although I have many gay
friends, I myself am
heterosexual.

So now I'm offensive, am I?

Excuse me...

Buckle up.

Malachy Foley.

Since when is it new that
you're offensive? The man
said he was sorry.

Well, well, if it isn't
Garrett O'Donnell, of the
traitorous O'Donnells.

So you want to make this your
fight, do you? All right.

Ah gentlemen, I'm sure
we can settle this
without violence.

[CRASHING]

So, can me and me friends
buy you a beer?

A pint of Murphy's, please.

Thanks.
That's no problem.

Malachy, he's, an old
friend of mine, we go through
this about every once a month.

You heard it yourself
even friends take the
O'Donnell name in vain.

Think you can understand why
I'm not into the grand
history of Ireland.

Can I have a scotch?

Garrett, what if you could clear
your family's name?

And how would I do that?

Well, there's an ancient
poem that's come to light,
written in Gaelic.

Gaelic? Aye, there's a bad
memory for you.

What do you mean?

Well, it's nothing...

it's just a silly
coming-of-age ritual.

The eldest boy in the O'Donnell
family has to learn this.
Well it's only four lines.

But I have no idea
what it means.

Four lines?
That's right.

Molly!
Can you recite
those four lines?

[CLEARING THROAT]
What? All right.

[SPEAKING IN GAELIC]

Seeker, go where
Liam is sleeping.

[SPEAKING IN GAELIC]

For he is the only one
who knows.

[SPEAKING IN GAELIC]

The singing stick
will lead you in.

[SPEAKING IN GAELIC]

As it did the men of McCreary.

So... where Liam is sleeping...

Liam O'Donnell. That's
the one who swore allegiance
to King Henry the Second.

So where's Liam sleeping?

It could be a reference
to where he's buried.

Most likely. Where's Liam
O'Donnell buried?

In a mausoleum on our property.

They wouldn't allow a traitor
to be buried in a church
cemetery, would they?

We have to go there.

Yeah, but my father would
never allow that to happen.

Please.

My father goes in the library
every day about 3:00
to have a cup of tea,

if you know what I mean.

He can't see the path
to the mausoleum from there.

Thanks.

We should probably get Sean.
I'm sure he'd like to come.

What is it?

We're being followed.

It's, uh, been known to
happen that we get followed,

but in this case I think
she's being a bit paranoid.

I generally have a good instinct
for these sort of things.

Who are you working for?

Someone's one step ahead of us.

I think we're being
followed again.

I think you're right.

I'll take care of this.

Nigel.

Over there. Behind the car.

I think...
shh.

Who are you working for?

Nigel, don't. It's Sean.

Sean?

Sean?

Sean?

How'd you know I was
tailing you?

That get-up doesn't exactly
make you the invisible man.

Spy Magazine said this was the
perfect disguise. There's
people after me, you know.

What are you doing here?
We were just on our way
to get you.

I got impatient.
I thought I'd
come and meet you

at that no-good
double-crossing traitor
O'Donnell's place...

Who's this, then?

That would be the no-good
double-crossing traitor's son.

There might be a clue
at the O'Donnell
family mausoleum.

I guess we need him, then.

You know what, Sean?
Maybe you shouldn't...

No, I want to come. Please.

Okay. Let's go.

This is your family's land?
It's so beautiful out there.

You definitely blend in.

Thank you. That is so sweet.

No need to be embarrassed,
Nigel. Just be yourself.

How can I be myself...

Garrett's being himself and
doing a hell of a lot better
with himself than I with myself.

You have a great self.
Do I, Syd'?

I mean, really,
at the end of
the day...

Nigel...

You don't have to be kind.

Well, okay.

But you don't have to be
mean, either.

I'm not mean.

Sometimes you can be.

Nigel! Over here.

Right.

We're going in here?

Yes, we are, Sean. You
don't have to go in if you
don't want. There's no pressure.

No, I'll come.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

GARRETT:
Anything down this way?

MOLLY:
It's so dark in here.
I can barely see.

GARRETT:
Molly, you stay close.
This could be dangerous.

That's not it.

NIGEL:
I hope there isn't more
than one Liam.

SYDNEY:
Don't worry.
We'll know the right one.

SEAN:
Sure, but there are a lot of
crypts in here.

It is eight hundred years old.

[MOLLY SCREAMS]

[STOMPS]

Ah!

Try not to fall behind.
We only have two flashlights.

Ah.

What?

There's a cobweb.
Don't you hate it
when that happens?

This is where the crypt
for Liam should be.

I gather this is Liam?

Something written on the base.

Music opens his heart.

The last two lines
of the ballad.

The singing stick
will lead you in.

As it did the men of McCreary.

More riddles.

SYDNEY:
Singing stick.

[FLUTE PLAYING]

The men of McCreary.

That's right.
This ancient battle song.

Do you know how it goes?

* The battle waged
for many a day *

[FLUTE PLAYING]

[GROUND RUMBLING]

Typical of the period.
Series of panels showing
the family history.

Are you sure there's enough
air in here?

We have at least
a minute or two.

The moment of King Brian
Boru's death. Hugh
O'Donnell's holding the crown.

Well this is the actual
moment of betrayal,

Liam kneeling before
the English king.

GARRETT:
This is the moment
it all went wrong.

I'm surprised they would
want that immortalized in
his crypt.

So am I.

Wait a minute.
The coat of arms indicates,

that it's
King Henry the Second,

but take a look at his face.
Notice anything strange?

Well, the King Henry
in this picture
has red hair and a beard.

But in reality, King Henry had
dark hair and was clean shaven.

Brian Boru's the one with
the red hair and beard.

Why would they put Brian
Boru's head on King Henry
the Second's body?

Look at the crown.
It's too large.
Why would it be so large?

[WHEEL TURNING]

SEAN: We're trapped.

It must have been set to close
automatically,
some kind of timer.

NIGEL:
Sydney and I have been
in this kind of spot before.

She always find some secret
lever, button, or panel to get
us out of it.

So, um, what do you think
it is this time, Syd'?

No idea.

You know what?
It's brawn over brains
this time.

We're going to have to
smash through the door.

With what?

With this.
It looks solid enough.
Everybody grab a hold.

We're going to go this way
on my count. Okay?
One, two, three.

[GRINDING]

[GASPING]

Get off!

Cloth covering the body
must have been stuck
to the coffin lid.

That's Liam O'Donnell.

Can you translate this, Molly?

Go to where England's
king stands for all time
like Blarney.

Where knowledge is kept
you will find much more.

GARRETT:
Stands for all time...

TOGETHER:
The Blarney Stone!

A statue?
King Henry!

There's been a statue of
King Henry at a park in Dublin
for hundreds of years.

Where knowledge is kept.

Knowledge is kept in the head.

That's why the crown
in that picture's so large.

The O'Donnells hid
Boru's crown inside the
statue of King Henry.

And that's why they were
swearing allegiance to the
English king...

They were swearing
to their own king all along!

He found a way to hide that
crown in plain sight.

Yeah, and by pretending
to be loyal to the English king,

he kept them from suspecting
that he might still have it.

And he gave up everything
in order to protect that crown.

He wasn't a traitor.
He was a hero.

[ROCK CRUMBLING]

Hey, how's it going?

Fine. We'll have the crown
anytime now. Mission
accomplished, huh?

Nigel,

I think you're
really sweet and smart,
funny. It's just...

I understand. It's...
I mean, sometimes
people like other people.

And although those people like
people who like them,
they don't...

like them.
Like them.

Well, I'm really glad
I met you.

I'm really glad
I met you, too.

The head doesn't look
any larger than normal.

It's not the original head.
What?

There's a line where the
new one was welded on.

The metal from the one
that's on here now

doesn't match the rest
of the statue.

It's the "Night of the Heads."

NIGEL:
The Night of the what?

I heard about it
all the time growing up.

The "Nights of the Heads"?

Yeah, during
the uprisings of 1916...

Michael Collins led a group of
men through the city...

And cut off the head of every
statue who was an Englishman.

Do you remember what happened
to the heads?

No, that's all I remember.
[CHUCKLES]

Well, who told it to you?

All these years,
branded traitors.

You were heroes,
Mr. O'Donnell.

Mr. O'Donnell, do you have
any idea what Michael Collins
and his men

did with the heads
of the statues?

Threw them in the river...

Where they stayed
all these years,

until the museum
excavated them.

The museum?

The Irish History Museum.

Aye. That's the one.

MAN: Heads?
SYDNEY: Yes, from
the "Night of the Heads"?

NIGEL:
Michael Collins cut all the
heads off English statues,

threw them in the river.

MAN:
Aye, the heads. What about them?

NIGEL:
Do you know
what happened to them?

They threw them into the river!
You just told me so yourselves.

Yes. After the river,
what happened to them?

Oh. The curator and his
assistant during that time
fished them out.

So where are they now?

Dead, of course. Well, it was
over a hundred years ago!

The heads.

Ah, yes. The heads.
They're in the storage area.
Would you like to see them?

TOGETHER: Yes!

Well, why didn't you say so
in the first place?

Come, come, come here.
I've got my keys right here.

Well, there in my pocket. Watch
your head. It's just around
the corner here. Come.

Yes, yes, come...

It's the dust.
Affects my asthma.
Go, go, go. Do your looking.

Thank you.
I'll ah...

SYDNEY:
Let's split up
and start looking.

[TRUMPET BLOWING]

NIGEL:
Hell.

Over here.

This is it?

Looks like it.

It's locked.

That shouldn't be a problem.

MAN 2: [YELLING]
Stand back, all of you.

[GLASS CRASHING]

No!

Enough! Enough of all this.
If anyone else moves,
Molly'll pay for it.

And I assure you, I've
removed the safety latch.

You're disgusting.

No!

That's right.
Listen to Sydney.
She is a sensible woman.

And you've been so kind
helping me.
I'll always be grateful.

Stand back, O'Donnell,
or there'll be another head
getting detached.

Sean, I don't understand
how you could do this.

Molly, he's not Sean.

He's only been posing as
Sean so we would lead
him to the crown.

The Internet really is the way
of the future, lass. I found an
American computer mogul,

rediscovering his Gaelic roots.
The crown of the last king of
Ireland is the ultimate trophy,

for the man who has everything.

You're selling out our past.

For a very good price.

Tonight, the crown and I
will be on a private jet
heading for America.

What have you done
with the real Sean?
Have you killed him?

I'm no murderer, Molly.
Although,
I will be if necessary.

Once the plane is in the air,
you'll be set free.

Just what do you think
you're doing? Unhand me
now, you big lummox!

Let me go!
What's the meaning of this?

I'll remember your faces,
I will, you know.

I'll be calling the guard.
I will, don't you forget it.

Garrett, see that
suit of armor?
Can you move next to it?

What are you thinking, Syd?

Well, if we can position
now hands just right,

he can not down the ax.
It will cut the rope
between our hands.

Ah...

Superb craftsmanship.
Amazing detail.

One thousand years ago, and the
artisans of the day were far
better than anybody...

Just get on with it!

Syd, there's only three or
four inches of rope between us.

That's okay. The ax is
only about two inches wide.

You're not leaving much
margin for error.

Nigel, see if you can
shift our position.

Which way?
A little towards you.

Okay. Garrett,
nudge the armor.
Slowly.

The statue was made in two
halves and then held together
with pins.

Here's the seam.

A blow in the wrong place,
it will destroy the crown.

That would have very
disastrous consequences.

[METAL STRAINING]

Uh!

Oh... sorry, so sorry.

I should have asked for more.

This time tomorrow,
we should all be rich men.

I don't think so.

Argh!

Give me that!

Ugh!

Agh!

No.

Tell me you're not dead.

I might not be dead, but
I'm definitely in heaven.

Okay, up we get. He'll be fine.
The bullet just
grazed his head.

Where's the crown?

Safe for Ireland.

All right. Let's get out of
here, huh? Come on.

The old family crest cleans up
pretty good though, eh?

How do you turn a lifetime of
shame into a future with pride?

It'll take some adjusting,
that's for sure.

That's a good way to start.

I suppose it is.

Look, Garrett.
There's a lot we've had
to put up with over the years,

and I may have... well,
what I mean to say is...

a fine automobile
you have there.

I suppose you'll be needing
some more time to work on it.

That'd be great, da.

That doesn't mean till the
end of time, though.

Don't be taking advantage
of my good nature.

That was Syd. She'll be
back in town tomorrow.

And where are you going?

To a restaurant.

Moonlighting?

No. If it's any
of your business,
I've got a date, actually.

Again?

Yes, again.

Her lecture should be
just about over.

And so it turns out the
O'Donnell's were the
protectors of Brian Boru's

crown all along.

Well, thanks for listening.

It was very generous of
Professor Fox to let me take
over her class for the day.

Questions, anyone?

You.

Where's the crown now?

The Irish History Museum
in Dublin.

Anyone else?

Over there.

Now, miss, I was wondering how
it is you think you can praise
low-lifes

like the traitorous
O'Donnells.

I happen to be personal friends
with the O'Donnells, and
they are not low lifes.

Well, then, perhaps
you'd like to go to dinner
with one of them?

Garrett.

STUDENTS: Aww...

I thought she liked
the Irish dude.

She did. The Irish dude's
in Ireland. And I am not.

So I ran into the real Sean.
A far cry from the impostor,
isn't he?

Yeah. Thank god he was okay
when we found him.

So, uh,
what are you doing here?

Well, I thought I'd
come to the university
and study diplomacy,

maybe work on
Irish-American relations.

So how about
that dinner tonight?

What's wrong?

Garrett... it's just that
I've been here a while,
and...

You're seeing someone?

I haven't heard from you.

Nigel!

Nigel.

Nigel.

Garrett.

Garrett.

Nigel.

Garrett. Well...

Garrett just got into town.
Isn't that great?

Great.

Nigel and I
are having dinner.

Great.

Why don't we all
go for dinner?

Great.
Great.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]