Relic Hunter (1999–2002): Season 1, Episode 12 - Emperor's Bride - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOLEMN ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALARM SOUNDING]

[SOLDIERS YELLING]

[DIALING]

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

SOLDIER:
Titans, we've got it. Go.

[SOLEMN ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING] Let's go.
Three, two, one, let's go.



T-I-T-A-N-S.
Titans, Titans, you're the best!

Titans, Titans, better
than the rest! Go Titans!

Three, two, one, let's go.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]

T-I-T-A-N-S.

Titans, Titans, you're the best!

Titans, Titans,
better than the rest!

Go Titans!

Uncle, what are you doing here?

I must speak with you.

[GRUNTING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

It's just football, uncle.
Violent.

You wanted to speak with me?

There is a professor Sydney Fox
at your university?



Yes.
I must speak with her now.

Now?

When's your birthday, Nigel?

NIGEL: May 10th. Why?

Taurus.

And your perfect
love match is a Scorpio.

You don't really believe that.

I mean, there is
no scientific basis.

Love isn't science, Nigel.

[BANGING]

I am through with
that kind of guy. Am I clear?

Very clear.
As a bell.

I need something different.

Something more sensitive,
more intellectual

not so cocky
and so sure of themselves.

Not hung up on everything
I'm hung up with.

I need a real man.

What?
Sydney's a Scorpio.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

[SOLEMN ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BANGING]

Violent.

GIRL: My uncle got that
off the internet.

It's from a small paper
in Alaska.

He was a professor of
antiquities in Beijing

But he's been living
with my parents in Connecticut.

And spends most of his time
surfing the web.

It's jade found a hundred miles
southwest of anchorage,

but my uncle believes that
it was carved in China

over 3000 years ago.

Part of the sarcophagus
of the Empress Xia.

What's a sarcophagus
from China doing in Alaska?

PROFESSOR: Look at the work,
the same detail.

SYDNEY: It is unmistakable.

The legend goes that the Emperor
carved the sarcophagus himself

out of white jade and sealed it
with an l Ching hexagram

so that the body and necklace
would never be disturbed.

Necklace?

The centerpiece is said to be
made of dragons tooth.

Bandits after the neck

raided the funeral
and stole the sarcophagus.

That's why the empress
was never laid to rest.

The sarcophagus
was never seen again.

What does this say?

"The well will bring you
to water and happiness"

The emperor's blessing
on his wife's casket.

Well?

The well is the 48th I Ching.

Might have something to do with
the hexagram on the sarcophagus.

Why don't you write that down?
We might need that later.

If the well can be found,

he wants to return to it
to it's proper place.

I put my heart in your hands.

[FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOLF HOWLING]

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

NIGEL: The Huang river flows
into the Yellow Sea

and then into
the East China Sea

which meets the Pacific Ocean.

SYDNEY:
Over 3000 miles from Alaska.

NIGEL: The only way
for an ancient vessel
to wind up here

was for it to be
thrown off course

and cast adrift by a storm.
A big storm.

What are the chances of finding
a double non-fat latte?

Who would live
in a place like this?

Dropouts, misfits,
people with no last names.

Ah, I'm looking for
Richard Ferguson.

What can I do for you?

You're Richard Ferguson,
the newspaper editor?

And mortician.

Which one of me you looking for?

Uh, my name is Sydney fox.

I am a professor
of ancient civilizations.

I was fascinated by
this article that you wrote.

Yeah. Well, I've been editing
this little piece of crap

weekly for about 10 years.

I never got as much interest
as I have with this.

Yeah?

Uh, what exactly do you mean
by, "as much interest?"

I mean, you two aren't
the only ones
to be poking around

about that hunk of jade.

Who else was here?
RICHARD: Still is.

What took you so long?

SYDNEY: Dallas.

Dallas?
Dallas Carter.

Been going through
the local archives.

What do you say
we work this one together?

I don't think so.

Oh, come on, Syd.

Let's not start off
on a bad note.

We could be so good together.

[SIGHS]

We were never
good together, Dallas.

Oh, yes, we were.

No, we weren't.

What would you call it, then?

A neurotic attachment.

You think?

I know.

You are so beautiful.

My taste in men has matured.

Now, that's a damn shame.

Mr. Ferguson, can we talk?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey...

You are one lucky guy,
my friend.

Oh, no, no,
I'm just her assistant.

Yeah. Look, I got to
tell you something, uh...

Nigel.

Nigel?

[LAUGHS] No kidding. Really?

It's English.

Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT] Listen.

Her attraction to you
is understandable.

You see, she's rebelling.

But look at her. Go on.

She loves the hunt.

Me?

I'm a hunter.

You... aren't.

I'd really like to meet the man
that found this artifact.

What ever he offered you,

I'm sure my party
will beat his price.

Yeah?

[ENGINE REVVING]

I don't believe it.

[GUITAR STRUM]

NIGEL: Reiner.

I was hoping we would
work together again.

Hey. Line forms
right behind me, amigo.

Does that outfit
come with a whip?

[NIGEL SNIGGERING]

I don't need no whip, pal.

Who are you?

I'm the guy she stood you up
for in Marrakesh.

The media monkey.

This is exactly why
I've sworn off men like them.

Whatever they offered,
I'll double it.
I'll triple it.

We're out of here.

Where are we going?
To find
our information elsewhere.

Now I know about Reiner,
of course, but this Dallas,

um, he was another--

A different time,
a different place.

My needs and desires
have changed since then,
I assure you.

Um we're going to
need some supplies.

Why don't you stock us up?

I'm going to talk to
some of the locals.

The shopkeeper might
have heard about the artifact.

See what you can find out.

Okay.

[BELL CHIMING]

Excuse me.

[THUDS]

What do you need?

[STUTTERS]
Um, camping equipment.

Hmm, where are you headed?

[NERVOUSLY]
Oh, I well, I was, um...

I was hoping you could tell me.

I was looking
for that local trapper,

the one who found
the jade artefact.

Duncan.
Is that his last name?

As far as I know,
he doesn't have a last name.

So, um, do you know this Duncan?

Well, he comes into town once
or twice a year to buy supplies.

Last week, he came in
with that chunk of jade.

You know the days here
aren't so bad,

but at night
it gets really cold.

You're going to need
something to keep you warm.

Got long John's?

Oh, no, actually, I haven't.

Do you happen to know where
I could find this, uh, Duncan?

Sure you want to?

He's bushed,
and around these parts,

that means
he's as nutty as an Eat-More.

Twelve months in the woods,

no one to talk to,
and no one to talk back.

The should be big enough.

You can try them on over here.

I'll try not to look.

[LAUGHS SHYLY]

Do you have a map?

Maybe you could show me
where Duncan lives?

Maybe. You got a woman?

NIGEL: Not exactly.

Want one?

Not exactly.

Oh, one of those.

No. Can I be frank with you?

I'm... I'm a priest.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

I didn't see a collar.

I'm undercover.

An undercover priest?

Oh, yes, of course.

People see the collar and
they stop sinning temporarily.

Just as you're gone,
they're at it all over again.

This way,
it's easier to catch them.

Ugh...

So, uh, how about that map?

That Duncan's
a nasty piece of work.

After his wife passed,

went in and shot up
the whole town

and didn't care much
who got in his way.

Well, I... I really
do need to speak to him.

That jade must be worth
a lot of money.

[LAZY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

There's Dallas's car.

NIGEL: And there's
Reiner's motorbike.

All right. We're here.

Your mountain woman
said Duncan's cabin

is about a three
and a half mile hike that way.

Now, the river that they found
the piece of jade in...

is in this area,
at least a day beyond that.

Okay.

[MYSTERIOUS DRUMMING, HOWLING]

Cute.

Loango.
Sorry?

SYDNEY: Like voodoo.
Meant to scare us away.

Funny, it works for me.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

MAN: Hey!

NIGEL: What was that?
MAN: Hey!

SYDNEY:
Like somebody set off a trap.

And the screams?

MAN: Hey!
Dallas.

You recognize his screams?

What's the matter?

Not very inviting.

Why does the unabomber
suddenly spring to mind?

DALLAS: You are really
starting to aggravate me.
[MAN GRUNTING]

DALLAS: Come on,
stop pulling on that.

MAN: It hurts.

Syd! Thank god.

He is mad.
Come on, before he gets back.

There it is.

I wonder what it's doing
just laying out like that.

[SHOUTS] Nigel, no!

[GRUNTS]

Nice work, Nige.

[CHUCKLES]

Why is this worth
so much to all of you?

That's... that's really
kind of hard to say.

There's a necklace
worth millions.

You're such an idiot, Reiner.

REINER: I've got a buyer,
and I'll make you my partner.

Hey, I got a better
proposition for you.

Team up with me.

You'll not only be rich,
but you'll be famous.

You have any idea

what being Dallas Carter's
partner could do for you huh?

He's smarter than he looks.
[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS IN PAIN]

[CHUCKLES]

Got to get that sarcophagus
before sasquatch does.

Nigel!

My knife.
Can you reach my boot?

I think so.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

NIGEL: Yeah. I've got it.

Great! Great.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay. Okay.

What are you doing?

No wait, no, Sydney,
this is not a good idea.

I can very easily
get car sick, and...

What did I ever see in you two?

DALLAS: Syd...

You... egotistical...

pig-headed.

[GRUNTS]

Syd, Syd, who squeezed water
into your mouth

when you've been
too weak to swallow? Who?

I can't remember.
I was delirious.

Syd, Paris...

On our balcony, do you
remember what you said? Huh?

SYDNEY: Sorry, can't remember.

Must be having an attack of
temporary amnesia.

Sydney.

It's been nice
hanging with y'all.

Don't go anywhere.

I will not allow you
to walk out on me!

Sydney, come on, baby.

You don't want it
to end like this.

Syd! I know you don't.

You're going to regret this.

You are going to
regret it, Sydney.

Sydney?

SYDNEY: Not much further.

NIGEL:
Good. This thing's killing me.

Alaska looks good on you, Nigel.

Got some grime under your nails.

Definitely grime.
Women like grime.

They do?

Yes. It's manly.

Really?

We should camp up ahead.

[OWL HOOTING]

I can't help thinking
about the emperor.

Never able to rest while
his wife has been adrift.

Do you believe in the legend?

As funny as it sounds,
I think I'd do.

Do you?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

I...

I didn't think I did.

But, uh, lately I...

I'm not sure.

[SIGHS]

I think I'll turn in.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

SYDNEY: Nigel, are you crazy?
Get in here.

Are you going to get undressed?

Shoulder?

Mm-hm.
Shiatsu.

Excuse me?
Sit.

Ah...

[GASPS]

Japanese picked shiatsu up
from ancient China about...

[GROANS]

twenty five hundred years ago.

It opens up the blocked channels

so that chi energy can flow
through to the tensed areas.

[CRACKING]
[TREMBLES]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Are we done?
Shh...

You really shouldn't have--

Attaboy, Nigel.

Where do you think you're going?

You can't expect me to
sleep out there in the rain?

You move and I'll pin your...

Sydney, remember the blizzard
in the Andes?

You and me in the ice cave?

You're telling me you forgot
those five sweet days?

How do you survive
five days in an igloo?

SYDNEY: Never mind.
You owe me.

All right!

You, take that sleeping bag.

You won't regret this, Sydney.
So can you.

Okay.

We'll take this one.

Night.
How'd the two
of you get out, anyway?

By working together.

That could be dangerous.

[HOWLING]

[SNORING]

Now's our chance, Nigel.
It is?

We don't have much time.
Right.

In front of them?

[SNORES]

They'll sleep through anything.
We just have to be very quiet.

Right.

Are you up for it?

[STUTTERS] I think I am.

I mean, yes, I do think I am.

Nigel?
Yes?

What's wrong?
[STUTTERS] I'm nervous.

Just follow my lead.
Right.

[GRUNTING]

SYDNEY: Get dressed. Quietly.

[STEALTHY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNORING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Houston, we have a problem.
Houston!

[GRUNTS]

It's Dallas, baby. What is it?

They are gone.

What the hell?

What? Oh, no!

How many times have
I gone to sleep with Sydney
and woke up alone?

How many times have
I gone to sleep alone
and woke up with Sydney?

She must owe you money.

You are so
preoccupied with money.

Why is that, Reiner?

And you are so obsessed
with publicity. Why's that?

Hey. There's nothing wrong with
a little self-promotion, now.
Come on.

You never actually
found anything, have you?

That's ridiculous.
Is it?

I don't have to go
justifying myself to you, pal.

[LAUGHS]
You are a fraud, Dallas.

You are a drugstore
relic hunter.

You're broke, aren't you, huh?

Dead flat broke, huh?

Ridiculous.
[LAUGHS] Is it?

I'm having a little dry patch.
That's it.

All right.

Look, finding the sarcophagus
before Sydney...

if there is any sarcophagus
is going to be difficult, right?

Only because
she has a head start.

And because she is the best.

That, too.

You need the necklace,
I need the necklace.

What do you propose?

Do you remember
how concerned Sydney was

when you and I
had worked together?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

About a size 18.
Got to be our big foot.

This whole area
was once ocean floor.

It's mostly sedimentary rock,

with some volcanic
from the earth's core.

Washed down from up there.
Yeah.

[GASPS]

Ferguson.

What was he doing out here?

SYDNEY:
Following up on the story,maybe.

Who's going to write
the newspaper's obituary?

Who's going to bury
the undertaker?

This Duncan's more dangerous
than we thought.

[SYDNEY SIGHS]

This is where
Duncan's footprints end.

He must have
crawled through there.

Come on.

Ouch.

Sorry, Syd.

This whole place
was once submerged.

An underwater cavern.

[ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[ORIENTAL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

The lost ship of Empress Xia.

A little rough weather,
and look where you wind up.

What happened there?

SYDNEY: It looks recent.

Be careful.
Duncan could be anywhere.

That was probably his doing.

NIGEL: Buried for centuries,
yet amazingly preserved.

SYDNEY: And unearthed now.

Yeah, by a change in
temperature that rock split.

Like a glass filled
with hot water.

Precisely. Who knows what
climactic forces impacted

on the pacific current
from Asia to North America

three thousand years ago?

I wonder how long
this boat was adrift.

Nigel.
Yeah?

Every tomb has a story.
What's his?

I don't know.

What do you make of this?

Duncan could have dragged
the sarcophagus out?

Well, he is a strong man.

It sat here for an eternity

and now we're
a few hours too late.

Which way did he take it?

We didn't pass him
on the way in.

There's got to be
another way out of the cave.

[CLICKING]

Nothing like a photograph to
establish a relic's prominence.

When my partner here
and I sell the necklace

it will prove
this is the real thing.

Partner?

Why don't you to
get out of the way?

I need a clear shot of the prow.

Yeah, well the necklace is gone.

Duncan has dragged
the sarcophagus

and the empress away.

Guys, do the right thing
for once.

Help us catch Duncan, and return
everything to the Chinese.

Hey, anything you want is fine.
You keep it.

The necklace belongs to us.

You two would sell something
that has inspired an entire
civilization for centuries?

In a heartbeat.
Yeah.

Stop pointing that thing at me.

You're not going to shoot me.

Sit down. Sit down.

You know, you really
should know better.

Reiner's not to be trusted.

Oh, and you are? [LAUGHS]

Come on, Dallas. Don't tell me
you forgot about Bali?

That night on the beach?

Could two people
be more in sync?

Actually, I think of it as
more of a neurotic attachment.

Come on, Reiner let's go
get our necklace.

Didn't think I'd forget this,
did you? [LAUGHS]

Well, he knows how to
tie a knot, doesn't he?

Yeah, I remember.

[GRUNTS]
[THUMPS]

[GRUNTS]

[DIGGING]

[GRUNTS]

Hold it right there.

Hey. You don't
want to do that.

No, no. It's my claim.
I staked it.

And I'll kill anyone
who says different.

Yeah, but you really...
you don't want to do that.

[RUMBLING]

[GRUNTS]

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNIFE CLANKS]

[CHOKES]

[THUDS]

The emperor protects
his bride still.

I didn't come this far to
walk away without the necklace.

Hey. Go ahead, open it.
Be my guest.

Syd... I've been thinking.

Picking up on... [CHUCKLES]

Claudia had
this crazy notion that...

Well, you said
something yesterday,

[STUTTERS] and then
there was the tent, and--

What are you
trying to say, Nigel?

Well, this is awkward. Um...

Here goes--
Shh!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

All right. The good news
is that Duncan won't
bother us anymore.

And the bad news?

We need your help.

You're going to open
the sarcophagus for us.

Is that right?

Listen, Syd, here's the deal.

you get to return the ship,

the sarcophagus, the empress
to the Chinese.

You'll be a big hero. They'll
name a Dim Sum after you.

And the necklace?

If it exists,
which no one is sure it does,

we'll keep it.

The only reason why you're
passing on the rest of it

is 'cause it's too big to
smuggle through customs.

Do we have a deal?

Because if we don't,

I'll be forced to shoot
your assistant.

[CAPTIVATING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Well?

Nigel, do you have the saying
from Dr. Chen's book?

Yeah.

"The well will bring you
to water and happiness."

The well. The 48th hexagram
of the l Ching.

[SIGHS] Six lines
mark the configuration.

Sydney, one wrong move and
you'll be dead like Duncan.

We should take this
to the museum, have it x-rayed

and open it under
a controlled environment.

Then Frick and Frack here

would be denied
of their little treasure.

And you of your life.

Just open it, Sydney. Come on.

[THUDS]

[RUMBLING]

Ah, that's great.
There's another one.

Nigel, what's the second part
of that saying?

"The well will bring you water
and happiness" that's it.

Uh, the abysmal?

The 29th hexagram
of the l Ching,

also represented of water.

What? What's the matter, Sydney?

The clue said
water and happiness.

There is no
l Ching for happiness.

Now, he wouldn't have
written that without a reason.

The water l Ching has
a connotation of danger.

Open up the box, lady.

Hon, can you bring me,
uh, Duncan's knife,

and the other fellow's
little handgun?

You shot Ferguson.

Ferguson got greedy,
tried to double-cross me.

Open it!

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

I can only think of
the eighth hexagram:

The lake.

Representative of water,

could also be associated
with joy and happiness?

You sure?

This was written over three
thousand years ago.
There is no sure.

[RUMBLES]

[LAUGHING]

DALLAS: Come on, Reiner.

One, two, three.

[GRUNTING]

[ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

DALLAS: It was lost.

SYDNEY: Dr. Chen was right.
REINER: It is beautiful.

And shouldn't be disturbed.

She is coming with me.

Anyone follows,

the professor is as dead
as the lady in the box.

Understand?

Sure.

Not exactly me, is it?

But I sure can believe
that it's worth a fortune.

It cost enough lives.

[GRUNTS]

[THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

[SYDNEY SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

SYDNEY: You looking for this?

Well, yes.
Definitely.

It's going back to China.
You got a problem with that?

No.

[SOLEMN ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

We wanted to show you something.

It's from the Beijing Museum
announcing the new exhibit.

The empress in her jade
sarcophagus side-by-side
with her husband.

They will rest together again
for all eternity.

For you, Professor Fox.

Oh.

It's a charm of
good fortune and love.

A blessing that
you'll find your soul mate.

I need all the help I can get
in that department.

Perhaps you're
searching too hard.

Sometimes we
overlook the obvious.

By constantly
peering into distance,

we do not see
what is right in front of us.

You know, there is someone.

I see him every day.

Interesting, I never thought
of him like that before.

And he is right next door to me.

Paul.

You're a very
wise man, Dr. Chen.

I don't know why
you bother with all
this astrological nonsense.

Scorpio and I are
like oil and water.

It's not nonsense.

I was just reading it wrong.

You're supposed
to be with a Cancer.

Oh, great.

Thanks for telling me now.

Nigel?

I almost forgot.
This is for you.

Oh, if this is
another love charm,

I sure could use one.

A Prozzäk concert, this Friday?
Two tickets?

Oh, you and I?

Wow, Katie, this is um...

this is quite a surprise.

Um, I'd love to.

A Prozzäk concert.
It'd be great.

You know, I know
this is going to sound cliché,

but I've been wondering,
what's your star sign?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]