Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 9 - Invasion - full transcript

♪♪ [Music On TV] Why are
we watching a stupid parade?

You realize there
are cartoons on, right?

Van, will you please
tell Jake that the

Macy's Thanksgiving
Day Parade is a classic?

Stick with it, Jake. Sometimes the balloons
break free and terrorize the Shriners.

Trust me, man. Old people are
so funny when they're scared.

[Groans] Another SpongeBob
balloon. Come on, guys!

- Bring back Underdog!
- Who's Underdog?

Who's Underdog?

Underdog is the
coolest superhero ever.

No way. Spider-Man
is the coolest.



Spider-Man. Please. "Oh,
look at me. I'm Spider-Man.

I shoot gooey web stuff out of
my wrist. I climb on buildings."

What kind of superhero can
get killed by a giant tissue?

Hey, everybody! Come
look at the turkey I got!

I know it's a little big, but I
got to use the carpool lane.

Whoa. That is a beaut! Who
else is comin' to dinner this year?

Well, let's see. You
and me, not Barbra Jean,

Cheyenne and
Elizabeth, not Barbra Jean,

Brock and Jake... Oh,
yeah. Who am I forgettin'?

Oh. Not Barbra Jean.

We get it. Barbra
Jean's gone to Lubbock.

And for this, we give thanks.

Wait. So Barbra Jean, Kyra and Henry
are going to Lubbock. Well, why not Dad?

Your dad likes to
keep his distance from



Barbra Jean's brother.
They don't get along.

What did Mr. H ever do to him?

I mean, sure, he got Barbra Jean
pregnant when he was married.

But he divorced his
wife and married her, so...

Yeah, he's a good man. Yeah.

Buzzard's just a
little overprotective.

- Buzzard?
- Buzzard!

Barbra Jean's brother's
name is Buzzard?

Buzzard! Yeah.

- God, he sounds kind of nuts.
- Oh, he can be nuts.

Remember the time your dad came
back from Lubbock missing one eyebrow?

- Yes.
- Barbra Jean said
that Buzzard...

has the other one in his wallet.

Oh.

I had one eyebrow once, but
then Cheyenne made me pluck.

Yes, I did.

Go get the rest
of the groceries.

- Wait. So have you
met this guy?
- No, and I hope I never do.

Barbra Jean's always
been tryin' to set us up,

'cause it's her dream for us,
one day, to be related by blood.

Oh, God.

It's also her dream for
us to be buried together.

Hey, Mrs. H. Why did
you get two turkeys?

[Door Closes] That one
goes to the church shelter.

Put it in the big bag by the front
door. Somebody's comin' for it.

[Thud] Strike!

Oh, oh, y'all. And we
have to put the envelope

with the money from
the garage sale in it too.

Oh, remember how funny that was? I
thought you were trying to sell the garage.

Has anyone seen that
envelope? I swear it was right here.

Jake? Did you take it?

Why would you think I took
it? Cheyenne's the alcoholic.

- [Doorbell Rings]
- Oh, well. Let's not worry
about it right now.

I don't want
anything to ruin this

Thanksgiving. It's gonna
be the best one ever.

Where's the bathroom?
I gotta take a major leak.

Hey, Mrs. H. The guy from
the homeless shelter's here.

I'm not from the
homeless shelter.

Hey, Reba. It's me... Buzzard!

Buzzard. [Chuckles]

Please tell me I
know two Buzzards.

Buzzard!

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

So, where's Barbra Jean? She's
in Lubbock. She went to see you.

She went there? Yes.

Dagnabbit! Well,
there's a lesson for you.

Always read the whole e-mail.

But you thought she was here?

Her e-mail said she wanted to get
together. I just assumed that meant here.

So I jumped in my
truck and drove all night.

By the way, I gotta
take a shower. Those

Wet-Naps at the truck
stop aren't cuttin' it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Brock and Barbra Jean live down the
street. Why did you come to my house?

Uh, 'cause I was in town.

So I dropped by.

"If you're in town,
drop by." Your letters?

- You sent him letters?
- One a week for 62 weeks.

She never wrote me once.

I've been down some
pretty bad paths in my life.

And Barbra Jean told me to write to this
woman, and she wrote me letters back...

Each one an inspiration.

[Chuckles]

Somebody go get Brock.

Brock.

- Hey, you got a beer?
- Oh, yeah. I think there are
a couple in the fridge.

No matter what I say,
do not give me one.

Okay.

I talk about Brock, I gotta watch
myself. Anger's one of my triggers.

Oh, my gosh! I'm
an alcoholic too.

It's hard not to be
delighted, ain't it? [Chuckles]

I won't set foot in Brock's
house, and Barbra Jean knows it.

'Course you know that, seein'
as you guys are best friends.

[Laughs] Right.

But my... She's not here.

Dang it.

So, I guess you'll be needing
directions back to the highway.

If you leave now, you can
make it home for pumpkin pie.

Mom, can I see
you in the kitchen?

So, uh, who's the
smokin' hot blonde?

That's my wife, pal.

- Nice work.
- Thank you.

♪♪ [Marching Band On TV] This parade
has sucked since they canned Underdog.

My name's Van. How you doin'?

Mom, you cannot send him away.
He needs our help. He might drink!

Look, it is no accident
that he was sent to me.

And you, of all people, should
know that he's cryin' out for help.

After all, you are his pen pal.

I am not his pen pal! I've never
written him a letter. The guy's a wacko!

Well, then who sent
him those letters?

I think bein' a wacko runs in the
family. It must have been Barbra Jean.

[Gasps] Barbra Jean sent him those
letters and said they were from you?

That is so romantic.

It is not. It's sick. I don't even
know what's in those letters.

Okay, you cannot tell him this. Look,
Mom, that could be a huge trigger for him.

Plus, he's family.
He's not in my family.

Well, he's in mine. He's
my stepmother's brother.

That makes him
my step-uncle-thingy.

One Halloween, I trick-or-treated
my whole neighborhood...

as lovable, humble
Shoeshine Boy.

Then I threw off the glasses, put on the
cape and hit 'em all again as Underdog.

Oh, man.

I had candy comin'
out of my butt that year.

I can't believe there's another
huge Underdog fan like me.

Oh, man. I am more than just a fan. I
got the magnets. I got the shirt, the cape.

I got the little-feety pajamas
from when I was a kid, but...

they don't fit me anymore.

Hey, Buzzard. Why don't you just relax
a while before you hit the road, okay?

Is that a go, then, on
the shower? W-W-Wait...

Hey, Reba. What t... [Screams]

Buzzard.

There he is.

There's the S.O.B. who's tryin'
to take my sister to hell with him.

[Nervous Chuckle]

What Buzzard is really trying
to say is, happy Thanksgiving.

Buzzard. You're here.

Buzzard thought Barbra Jean
wanted him to come here to Houston,

so that's why he's here.

We need to call her so I
can have a little chat with her.

We can't. Big Daddy...
That's my daddy. He's big.

He won't allow phone
calls on holidays.

Yeah, yeah. But he... he does let
you drag guests down to the dock...

and throw 'em in
the freezing cold lake.

[Chuckles] Yeah,
man. That was fun.

Grandma dared
me. I had no choice.

That's hilarious.

Hey, Buzzard. I
dare you to grab Mr...

- [Together] Van!
- I... I wasn't...

Well, Buzzard can play later, because
first he's gonna go to my meeting with me.

I'm gonna go get my purse.

And when you get back, I
got a special treat for you...

The original cartoon
series on DVD.

We can watch it in
slo-mo and in Spanish.

- Underdog!
- [Chuckles]

Yeah, hey. Listen.
Maybe I could try text

messaging Barbra Jean.
Yeah, that's a good idea.

That's a cute phone. Kind of
looks like it could fit in your ear.

Yeah. Hey. Hey, look.
Check this out. [Clicks]

Oh, that's a good
picture of you. [Chuckles]

Just in case.

I'm real sorry about bargin' in on you
like this. I know it's a little awkward.

That's okay. It's just that it's

Thanksgiving. You
know, private family time.

I understand. I'm glad I got to meet
you. Your letters mean so much to me.

I really don't wanna
talk about 'em.

They're full of so many pearls of wisdom.
What's that one thing you always say?

"Dear Buzzard"?

Okay, Buzzard. Let's go.

We gotta get there early. Otherwise,
the chronics take all the good doughnuts.

Hey, remember that... that
thing you said in your last letter?

I'm gonna hold you to that
when I get back. [Clicks Tongue]

[Door Closes]

Time to move.

What are we
lookin' at? [Screams]

[Exhales] Reba. Yeah.

You know, I thought I,
uh... I thought I saw a, uh...

A badger out in the backyard.

Well, I guess he was,
uh, just that bicycle.

I've never seen this
side of you before.

Yeah, well, that's 'cause I save it for
the time I spend around Buzzard. God!

I just don't know why that guy hates
me so much. I've always been nice to him.

You know, one year, for
Christmas, I gave him a guitar.

He lit it on fire...
While I was holding it!

Yeah.

Look, I got my own
problems with him.

Buzzard was just discussing with me
all the letters that I've written to him.

You wrote to him? Why?

You couldn't find
a pen pal in prison?

I didn't write letters
to him, you moron!

Barbra Jean did and
pretended they were from me.

I gotta find out
what's in those letters.

For all I know, Buzzard
thinks I'm in love

with him. We gotta
get hold of Barbra Jean.

Well, I've tried everything, you
know? I tried phone, text, e-mail.

Heck, I even sent
a telegram. Nothin'.

It's like trying to get in
touch with an Amish person.

Well, what am I supposed
to do in the meantime?

Well, the first thing you
wanna do is calm down.

Don't worry. We'll figure
this thing out. Yeah.

Geez, Reba. You're not gonna solve
anything by panicking. [Door Opens]

- Buzzard and I are back!
- [Yelps]

Okay. Okay. Okay,
look. Just stay calm.

He can smell fear.

[Door Closes] Hey, Reba.
What's that weird smell?

Oh, somebody's
wearin' chicken cologne.

Look, Buzzard. We need
to talk about those letters.

I know what you're gonna
say, so let me say it first.

I think it's time we stop
writin' letters. [Exhales]

Wow. You did know what I
was gonna say. Mm-hmm.

I mean, it's kinda ridiculous to keep
doin' it. Ha. Ridiculous. That's the word.

Ridiculous. Kooky. Nuts.
They're all good. [Laughs]

Especially since
I'm movin' here.

Come again? Look, I
need you to be my life guide.

It's like you said in
letter 27. Say it with me.

"I'll be your guide for life's
tough ride." Okay, stop it!

This is gonna end right
here. I didn't write those letters.

It's so cute how
embarrassed you are about it.

I'm not embarrassed. I'm mad.

I did not write those letters.
Barbra Jean did, okay?

Well, why would Barbra
Jean do a crazy thing like that?

Why would Barbra Jean go to the zoo
and read to the chimpanzees? She's crazy!

Oh. Wow.

[Sighs] Look, I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?
I'm... I'm the idiot here.

Now, don't say that. Technically,
Barbra Jean's the idiot here.

Well, then. I'm... I'm
gonna get my stuff together.

Tell everybody I said... bye.

Thanks for letting me sit in your
truck, Buzzard. It's awesome.

Yeah. Maybe someday
you can have a truck like that.

You think? Sure. All
it takes is hard work...

and an uncle who owns
one who drops dead.

Wait a minute. You're
my uncle, right? [Chuckles]

Are you leaving? Yeah, I
gotta get on the wind, pal.

You gotta what?
Yeah, I'm leaving.

Got a lot of women
waitin' for me, you know?

I hear ya.

You got a girlfriend? Yes.

No.

That's all right. You're
only, like, what, five?

I'm 11.

Listen. Don't worry about it. I
don't have a girlfriend either.

I mean, I used to.
Then I dumped her.

Felt kinda like I was
datin' my sister, you know?

Now I'm flyin' solo. Cool.

When I grow up, I wanna
be just like you, Buzzard.

Just like me, huh?

Let me ask you something.

What's the deal with this missing
money your sister was tellin' me about?

I don't know anything
about that. And I'm not lying.

Obviously you're not lying. If you were
lying, your palms would be all sweaty.

[Clears Throat]

Tell you, you're lucky you don't
lie, Jake, 'cause here's how it works.

You tell a lie, one lie. Then you
gotta tell two lies to cover that one...

and then two more for each
of those two, and on and on.

And it gets really hard to keep
track of, especially if you suck at math.

And pretty soon, all that's
left is the lies. No more you.

That's how I got to know so
many cops on a first-name basis.

You understand what
I'm talking about? Yes.

Now I wanna ask you
a very serious question.

How old are you really?

I'm kidding. You
take that money?

Yes.

First of all, the
garage sale was last

month, and I thought
she forgot all about it.

Plus, I figured the money was mostly
mine because they sold all my stuff,

except for that
stupid rock polisher.

So what do you
think I should do?

Well, let's look
at your options.

You could tell your
mother the truth...

or you could steal my
truck and drive to Mexico.

Thanks, Buzzard.
No problem, kid.

Hey. Better not hear
my truck start up.

[Door Closes]

Well, I'm glad you finally
decided to tell me the truth.

But stealing is a very
serious thing, Jake. I know.

You know you're gonna have
to earn back my trust, don't you?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay. We'll talk
about this later.

Well, I'm gonna take off, let you get
back to Thanksgiving with your family.

Thanks. Listen, Buzzard.

I realized something
today. You are family.

I'm... You know, I don't cry,
but if I did, I would right now.

And there's somethin'
else I wanna tell you. [Sighs]

I wished I had have written to
you, 'cause you're a good guy.

You won't be happy until
I burst into tears, will you?

Look, I understand why Barbra
Jean did it. She sees the real you.

And I'm beginning
to see the real you.

Well, I won't be happy till
both of us are cryin', will I?

Yeah, that's the thing
about Barbra Jean.

She's always there for
the people she loves.

There's nothing you can
do to chase her away. I know.

Believe me, I know.

Sounds to me like you
have a real good sister.

Sounds to me like you got
a pretty good best friend.

[Chuckles] Right.

Well, we got a Thanksgiving
dinner to get on the table.

Why don't you start carvin'
on this bird for me? Okay.

[Chuckles] I'm good
at carvin'. Great.

[Sharpener Clatters] Oops.

Hey, Reba. The
lunatic finally leave?

[Yelps]

Dang, I like havin' you around.

So anyway, God,
that's the whole story.

And I didn't mean to steal it.

Please don't send
me to hell. Amen.

Amen.

- That was a lovely prayer,
honey.
- Thank you.

But you're still grounded.

- Thank you for dressin' up for
dinner. You look very handsome.
- Thank you.

I think it's very nice when everybody
dresses up for a holiday dinner.

Cheyenne, you look
very beautiful too.

Well, it is Thanksgiving.

I never like to forget that one of our
greatest blessings is how good I look.

Mrs. H, I think someone else should
be recognized for dressing so nicely.

I think so too.

You look cute as a
button, sweetheart.

No, I'm Underdog.

Underdog! Well, Underdog, you
look cute as a button. [Chuckles, Sighs]

Brock, are you sure you wouldn't
like to sit up here at the table with us?

No. I'm fine...

and far away from the lunatic.

Acme! [Coughing]