Raven's Home (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Creepin' It Real - full transcript

¶¶

Raven:Raven's Home
was filmed in front of
a live studio audience.

-(growling on computer)
-(suspenseful music
playing on computer)

Hello? Hi.

How many more
of these scary movies

are you guys planning
on watching tonight?

-Is that a body bag?
-It's a bag.

We don't know
if it's a body bag.

-(zipping)
-(all gasp)

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a body bag.
-Yeah.

Yo, we're watching
the Wes Carpenter
Horror Movie Cringe Binge.



We're on The People Upstairs,
Part One: The Move-In.

Lon Hanks is trying
to find out more about

his mysterious
new neighbors, the Ghoulardis.

All this movie talk
is giving me a splitting...
headache.

Um, maybe your
hatchet headband
is on too tight.

What? Come on, you guys
didn't even look at me!

We're horror movie pros, Nia.

We've seen everything
from Oklahoma Weed Whacker

to Bad Dream on Oak Street.

Yeah. I mean,
there's nothing you
could do to scare us.

We're like, un-scareable.

-(Raven and Chelsea screaming)
-(all screaming)

-Ha! Ha-ha! Ha!
-(Raven laughing)

You don't look
un-scareable to me.



No, you don't.
We gotcha!

-(Tess screaming)
-(all screaming)

¶ Yo, Let me
tell you somethin' ¶

¶ Had my vision
all worked out ¶

¶ But then life
had other plans ¶

¶ Tell 'em, Rae ¶

¶ It's crazy when things
turn upside down ¶

¶ But ya gotta get up
and take that chance ¶

-¶ Maybe I'm
just finding my way ¶
- ¶ Learning how to fly ¶

-¶ Yeah, we're gonna be okay ¶
-¶ Ya know I got you, right? ¶

¶ It might be wild, but ya
know that we make it work ¶

¶ We're just kids
caught up in a crazy world ¶

-¶ Come on! ¶
-¶ It's Raven's Home ¶

-¶ We get loud! ¶
-¶ It's Raven's Home ¶

¶ It's our crowd! ¶

¶ Might be tough,
but together
we make it look good ¶

¶ Down for each other
like family should ¶

¶ It's Raven's Home ¶

¶ When it's tough ¶

¶ It's Raven's Home ¶

¶ We got love ¶

¶ 'Cause no matter the weather,
ya know we gon' shine ¶

¶ There for each other,
ya know it's our time ¶

(Raven laughs)

Yep! That's us.

(laughing)

(laughs) Good morning,
sleepy head.

Did The People Upstairs
movie marathon
keep you up all night?

No, it wasn't the marathon.

It was the actual
people upstairs.

-What?
-I mean, who moves in
in the middle of the night?

Well, that's what the Segers did

in The People Upstairs
Part Two: Night Movers.

Yeah, well, some people
are more productive at night,
you know?

Some people are more productive
in the morning.

Me, I'm, I'm more between
like eleven and noon.

(yawning): Actually,
I'm kind of drowsy right now.

Wow. Aunt Chels, where'd
you get these fake cobwebs?

-I mean, they look so real.
-Yeah, yeah. They are.

(clears throat)

I usually stop dusting
six weeks before Halloween.

I call them
"organic decorations."

Well, I, for one,
cannot wait for tonight.

-I love Halloween.
-(door clatters open)

Trick or feed me.

Oh, all right!
I got you covered.
(gasps)

Try my new veggie candy.

I've mastered
entrees and desserts,

so I've moved on
to Halloween treats.

(clears throat)
Okay, try this one.

This is called, uh,
black bean taffy.

Yeah, I like to keep
my veggies veggies,

and my candies candies,
so I'm gonna pass pass.

So...

rain check, rain check?

Speaking of
raining checks,

it's about to with
my new luxury Scut,
the Trenta XL.

Okay, so,
I had to give my car
to the dealership,

and they said they needed
to keep it for a week,

so they gave me a loaner.
Check this out!

-What?
-(all gasping)

That is a dope ride.

I mean, it's choking the planet,
but it's fancy.

Maybe you can take
some of these Halloween treats
for your passengers.

-Oh, yeah.
-(kids groaning)

-No.
-That's, uh,

-that's a great idea.
-Oh!

-Why don't you go
get me some more?
-Okay!

-Go get some--
-Yeah.

(knocking on door)

-Hey. I'm Darnell,
your new neighbor in 4B.
-Hi.

Oh, hi. (chuckles)

-Hi, I, I, I'm Chelsea.
(giggles)
-Hi.

I just wanted to apologize
for making so much noise
last night.

Oh, my goodness.
That is so kind of you.

-(oven timer dings)
-(gasps) Oh, hold on.
Let me just--

I need to get this
out of the oven real quick.

(shrieks)

Come in.

Thank you. I, I certainly
wasn't going to enter
without an invitation.

-(Chelsea chuckles)
-Oh. Who's this little guy?

Oh. This is my son, Levi.

-Nice to meet you.
-Mm-hmm.

Wow. Your hands are cold.

I was putting away groceries,
a lot of frozen goods.

I like to...

stock up.

Why'd you pause
before "stock up"?

Did I pause before...

"stock up"?

Okay, now you're doing it
on purpose.

So, uh, where are you from,
Darnell? East Coast?

West Coast? My, uh...
my dreams? (chuckles)

Subtle, Mom.

(laughs)
Would you like to try

some of my
homemade kale fudge?

-Sure.
-Okay.

-What do you think?
-Hmm.

-A little vanilla.
-A little vanilla.

-Cream of tartar.
-Cream of tartar.

Agave instead of sugar.

Agave instead of sugar.
Nope, that's not in this.

I don't know why I'm
repeating everything
you're saying.

-(laughs)
-Oh!

-I sometimes have
that effect on people.
-(Chelsea laughs)

(camera shutter clicks)

Hello, luxurious one.
I'm Raven.

I'll be driving you for a week.

These seats are a little cold.

(low buzzing)

Did the seat warmers
just turn on?

Oh, yeah. Yes, they did.

(chuckles)

(gasps)

Well, Mama likes.

(whirs)

(seat whirs)

Wow. Okay.

Well, all I need now
is for my coffee to be warm.

-(chuckles)
-(sips)

Did you just
warm this up for me?

(sips)

Heaven.

Hi. I'm Raven.
I'll be your Scut driver.

Welcome to your
luxurious Scut ride.

(clears throat)

Can I offer you some tune-skies?

We have, uh, R&B,
oldies, a little country.

(radio screeches, crackles)

Sorry. I don't know
what's going on
with the radio.

(soft guitar music playing)

Oh, this is my favorite song.

Oh. Wow.
It's, it's like the car
can read your mind.

(music continuing)

He didn't come into
the apartment until
he was invited in,

and he hypnotized my mom.

She was all,
"Vanilla. Agave.
Cream of tartar."

Levi.
(sighs)

See. He looks
like a normal guy.

I mean,
a little blurry, but...

Levi, I just had a vision
of Aunt Chelsea and Darnell.

-She's in danger.
-What are we dealing with?

A werewolf?
A vampire?

A dentist?!

I don't know.

But whatever it is,
Darnell is definitely
some kind of monster.

Wow. That horror movie
cringe binge

is making you two paranoid.

Uh, no, no, no.

That cringe binge
has made us vigilant.

We can't let our guard down
for a second.

Otherwise, Aunt Chelsea
will end up like
the maintenance man

from The People Upstairs Three:
The Jack O' Landlord.

Spoiler alert, bruh.
I haven't seen that one yet.

And I don't think
it's a coincidence

-that he moved in
the night before Halloween.
-Right.

Darnell probably knows
that most of the adults

in this building leave,

because they don't want
to be bothered by
trick-or-treaters.

And that gives him
a quiet place to feed
on unsuspecting kids.

And the single mom
who hands out
healthy treats.

I, I don't write these movies.

¶ ¶

Whoo!
Break time is over.

Back to driving my fancy,
luxury Scut. Ah.

You know what, Chel?
I know you used to be rich,
but...

you've never experienced
luxury like this.

Mm!

See anything?

Yeah, I see everything,
but no Darnell.

Uh, what are you two up to?

(both scream)

Oh, uh, you know. We're just,
just bird-watching. (chuckles)

Bird-watching?

It's October in Chicago.

There are no birds.
They all flew south.

Oh. Uh, well, we thought
they flew to the South Side.

Nope, nope.
Not gonna touch that.
I'm having a good day.

I don't feel like
listening to that.
All right. Bye!

Whoa.

That was spooky, Ms. B.
It's like--

It's like you knew I was here.

You're always here, Tess.

Hey, Levi.
You wanna try one of these...

macaroons?

Mom, you're not
supposed to wink

at the person you're
trying to trick.

Oh. All right. Fine.

You wanna eat
these potatoes,
no wink?

I'll pass. We're gonna go
look out the window

-in Tess's apartment.
-Huh?

Right, Tess?

I, I don't know what's going on,

but sure. Why not?

Hello, kids.

(all screaming softly)

¶ ¶

Hello. I'm Raven.
I'll be your Scut driver.

Welcome to your luxurious--

-Sir. Sir.
-Just gotta--

-Get in. Sit. Sit.
-Ah!

There we go.

-Are we expecting anyone else?
-Nope.

We headed to meet
my better half.
(laughs)

(sighs)

Yeah, I get it.
I get it.

-Ooh. Is this...
real pleather?
-Mm.

And perforated, at that.

I know, right?
It's really cool.

-You know, the funny thing
about this car...
-Look at the range on this.

Up...

down...

-Up, down.
-Okay, sir. Okay.

-Up, down.
-Okay, sir. Sir, we get it.

We get it. Thank you.
It's for all necks.

-All right?
-Up.

Oh. Whoops.
(laughs)

You really like
to touch things,
don't you?

Oh, yes. I'm very tactile.

This is my stress putty.

Oop. Uh-oh. Oh, no.

-I got it on the carpet.
-Are you-- Sir!

Oh, no.
I'm making it worse!

-(squishing)
-(gasps) Hot!

Hot! Hot!
The seats are hot!

-Raven: Sir, please,
do not touch anything!
-I need some air.

Please, sir. Please sit still.

Ow, ow, ow!
Your car's attacking me!

-The car's attacking me!
-Sit still, sir.

(gasping)

(seat belt whirring)

Okay, I'll stop!
Just let me go!

What are you talking about?
That's not me. That's the car!

-Well, stop it! Turn it off!
-No, I can't!

The steering wheel
is stuck!

(whimpering):
Can't reach my putty.
I can't reach my putty.

I'm a mama. I got this.
Now car, you better
listen to me.

Now, if you don't
behave yourself,

I'm gonna turn you right around.

-(tires screeching)
-(screaming)

-(Darnell panting)
-(thudding)

Oh. Hey, neighbor.
Just going to pay my rent.

Cost me an arm and a leg.
(chuckles)

Yeah, it's... (panting)
It's hard to get ahead.

Yeah. I got one in the bag.
You want to see it?

(pants): No.

Body bag! Body bag,
like in one of your movies!

Very funny, Nia.
But I think I know
when I'm being mocked.

No. No, you're right.
The neighbor, he has a body.

And a bag. I'm...

I'm gonna faint.
Catch me.

(thuds)

Two things.

I thought someone
was gonna catch me,

and this never leaves this room.

-What happened?
-Nia saw the new neighbor

carrying a body
out of the building.

And then she fainted,
just the like the babysitter

in The People Upstairs Six:
The Fanatic in the Attic.

Oh! No, it's cool.
Just--

go ahead and spoil
the whole franchise.

Pfft. Don't worry about Tess.

¶ ¶

So, in the first
People Upstairs,

the only one I've seen...

the monster's
weakness is silver.

Tess, cover your ears.

In the third one, it's garlic.

Hey, guys. Listen, I invited
the new neighbor over

for a, you know,
a get-to-know you meal.

Kids:
What?

(shouting): I invited
the new neighbor over

for a get-to-know you meal.

Why?

You guys, Darnell is
a nice guy, okay?

I want you to be
on your best behavior.

Or else no candied
carrot rings for you, huh?

Guys, we have
to do something.

We have
to protect my mom.

Let's start by throwing out
those candied carrot rings.

¶ ¶

All right, people.
Let's stop the evil
that is Darnell.

Here are the blueprints
of the building.

Okay. Here's all
the garlic that Mom has.

-Nia.
-Yeah.

Can you climb through
this crawlspace

from downstairs
to the fourth floor

-with two wooden stakes
tied to your back?
-No.

Okay. Plan B.

Here is all the silverware
from my house.

Well, at least I think
it's real silver, right?

Why else would my mom
keep it in the safe?

-How'd you get into the safe?
-Don't worry about it.

Okay, Nia and Tess,
you guys are the
tomato marshmallow.

So when Darnell
comes over for dinner,

you sneak up to his apartment

and get proof that
he's some sort of monster.

If you see a coffin,
take a picture.

If you see claw marks on walls,
take a picture.

-If you see a body--
-Run.

But after you take
that picture.

Excuse me, people who didn't
catch me when I fainted.

Why are you sending us
up to his apartment?

Well, because some people
know how to get into things.

It's a blessing and a curse.

And while Darnell's
talking to my mom,

Booker and I
will try to expose his
true monster identity.

-Okay. Everyone got it?
-Others: Got it.

-(both screaming)
-(tires screeching)

(gasps, panting)
Oh, my goodness, sir.

I am so sorry.

-Are you okay?
-Am I okay?

Am I okay?

That was the best
Halloween haunted
Scut ride I've ever had!

In fact, it was the first
Halloween haunted
Scut ride I've ever had.

(gasps)
I have to post
about this.

-My followers
will love it.
-Yeah, yeah.

That's it. Uh...
Yeah, this was a ride.

I, I planned the whole thing.

You see how
I was screaming, too?

I wanted to make it believable.

-You were amazing.
-(seat belt whirs)

-(door whirs)
-(gasps)

I guess it's over.

Okay. Goodbye.

Bye.

Five stars.

(door closes)

Car, um... (inhales)

Listen, uh...
I know we just met,
all right,

but I just-- I--
It could be me.

It could be me,
but it could also be you.

But I'll just blame it on me.
Okay, but are you...

Are you haunted?

Okay, um, listen.
How 'bout you give me...

two beeps for haunted,

no beeps for not haunted.

-(horn honks twice)
-(screaming)

I knew it, I knew it!
You're haunted! (gasps)

I'm locked in a haunted Scut!
I'm locked in a haunted Scut!

-(locks click)
-Oh, I wasn't locked
in a haunted--

But now I am!
(crying)

¶ ¶

Booker, hurry.
The coast is clear.

All right, all right, all right.

Whoo! Okay.
Operation Garlic is a go.

(knocking on door)

Oh, man. Oh, man.
Okay, okay.

Um, I'll get the silverware.
You get the door.

(knocking)

Oh, hi...

Darnell.

Why'd you pause
before Darnell?

Oh, did I...

pause?

Is that what I do?
I am...

sorry.

(gasps)
Darnell, you made it!

-Um, is everyone
ready to eat?
-Yeah.

(gasps) Oh, are you excited
about the trick-or-treaters?

-Yeah, I can't wait.
-Yeah.

-Well, you don't have
to wait any longer.
-Oh!

Here, eat some spaghetti.
You know what I'm saying?
Carbo load.

-Yes.
-Oh.

A little bit here...

-Oh, that's a lot.
-Okay. Great.

Sorry, honey.

(coughing)

-Aha!
-Got him!

-(coughing)
-(Darnell grunts)

Whoo! It looks like someone
went a little garlic-heavy

-on the spaghetti.
-(gasps)

-I'm gonna get some water.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll, I'll get it.

Uh, me, too.

(Darnell clears throat)

(chuckles)
Spare water.

-Where'd you get that?
-Oh, I made it myself.

Blessed it with
these very hands.

That's not how it works.

(Darnell coughs)

Hello.

Oh, thank you.

-Thanks. That's good.
-(laughs)

Darnell:
Mm.

Ouch! Oh! Ooh!

-Ow.
-Let me see that.
I know blood.

Okay. Let me get up
to my apartment and
get you some bandages.

-Nia and Tess are up there.
-Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Uh, we've got bandages here,
you know?

Everybody just stay
right where you are.

Okay? All right?

What's going on?
Where are you guys?

Okay, it took us a minute
to get up our nerve,

but we're on his floor.

-We're headed
towards his door.
-Okay. So when you get in,

-here's what you do.
-(door creaking)

-(shrieks)
-(screaming)

-Tess: Let's go!
-Oh, my God!

(sighs)

¶ ¶

(gasps)

No, no, no!
You put her down, you creep!

-Booker!
-Levi, come on, now.
Help me!

Let her go!

Levi, come on! Help me!

-No, guys. It's fine.
He knows what he's doing.
-What?

Oh, no!
He hypnotized Levi, too!

Poor little dude.
He never stood a chance.

Guys, we're all good.

No. No, it is not!

He's making you say that
with his mind.

I got you, brother.

I know you meant well,

but that was not cool.

And you were all wrong
about Darnell.

Hi, guys.
(laughs)

Sorry, I was just
getting caught up

in my character
of Stretcher Girl.

You know I was
a theater minor.
(laughs)

-What bout Darnell?
-We thought Darnell was
some kind of monster.

But he really is...

nothing.

Um, you know, Trenta XL.
Can I call you Trenta?

(sighs)
You are one smooth ride.

Yeah, yeah.
I feel that we can
go places together.

You know what I mean?
I'll treat you right.

You know, not like
those other drivers.

Give you gas...

and oil,

and a car wash,
all premium, yeah.

Nothing but the best for my T.
Can I call you T?

(horn honks)

Hey, T.

Do I see a little,
little tree sap
on your hood?

You know I need
to buff that off.

I can't have my baby
looking smudgy in these streets.

(brakes squeak)

(locks click)

Ha-ha!

Ha-ha! You fell for it,
you little squirt!

¶ ¶

Okay, so tell me
one more time

why you thought
our new neighbor

was a literal monster?

Well, there was blood.

-And a dead body.
-Moving in at midnight.

And your hypnotizing eyes.

Yeah, all EMT related.
And eyes...

-All me.
-(laughs)

Yeah. Yeah, they are.

What is an EMT?

It's an emergency
medical technician.

Yeah, we were
just showing Levi
the blanket carry.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Part of my job is teaching
life-saving techniques,

-usually on my
CPR dummy, Annie.
-Oh!

-That's the dead body I saw.
-But what about the blood?

Tomato beet juice.
I'm a big juicer.

(gasps, mouths)

So you moved in
at midnight because...?

I work long hours
during the day.

It was the only time
I could move in.

-Oh.
-Oh, okay.
But what about the fog?

-I'm also a DJ.
-(gasps)

I can get the party
and your heart started.

I'm DJ (imitates siren).

Okay. None of this explains
why your door opened by itself.

-Booker: Mm.
-That...

should not be happening.
I need to talk to the manager.

Why'd you pause after "that"?

Come on, kid.

-(knocking on door)
-Kids: Trick or treat!

Yes! Finally!
(laughs)

(gasps) Oh! Oh, I'm so scared!

(laughs)
Here. Help yourselves.

(kids screaming)

They don't know what scary is!

My Trenta XL is possessed.

And I just left it there.

I think that might be
a tomorrow's problem.

Hey, you wanna hear
about a today problem?

Our kids thought
our new neighbor

was some sort of
evil monster out to get us.

(laughs)

Oh. We got a new neighbor?

Yeah. Darnell.
He's right over there.

(wolf howling)

-(screams)
-(screaming)

¶ ¶

No, no, no, no, no.

You cannot buy my silence.
Uh-uh.

No. You should have checked

to see if that car had ghosts
before you gave it to me.

Did I say ghosts?
I meant, uh, glitches.
I mean...

No. (sighs)

Oh, so... So you'll give me
a luxury Scut if I stay silent?

You just bought yourself
some silence.

Woo.

Don't tell the kids.