Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 5 - Don't Ask, Don't Tell Me What to Do - full transcript

Num-num!

We found some extra
Halloween boxes.

And by the way, your kid is
still screaming for her num-num.

Num-num!
- Seriously, Jimmy,

either she gets her pacifier
or I get a sedative.

One of us is gonna be addicted
thinsome-you choose.

The book said to try
and go cold-turkey

if nothing else works,
and nothing else has worked.

See? Doesn't Daddy look silly

with...

I think we should look
at the pros and cons



of not giving Hope her num-num.

Pro: she's learning
to take care of herself.

Con: She'll start sucking
her thumb, mess up her teeth,

end up going to Winter Formal
with her gay best friend

because nobody asked the girl

with massive braces
and headgear.

I'll get her the pacifier.

Num-num!

Speaking of pros and cons,

what if I dress as a pro

and you can go... as a con.

Yeah, and you could hit me
with this old rubber nightstick.

Wait a minute.

These aren't costumes.



This is Maw Maw
and Paw Paw's old sex box!

Ugh!

* Whoo!

* Here we go

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Hey, I found a couple "C"
batteries in Maw Maw's sex box.

We can finally play
electronic Battleship.

And you made mice-mallows?

I don't care what those guys
running for president say,

this is the best country
in the world.

Sorry, Burt, I can't play
Battleship with you.

It's Bunko night.

But last Thursday
was Bunko night.

Every Thursday's Bunko night.

Every Thursday?
Forever?

You'll be okay.

Here. Have a mice-mallow.

- Feel better?
- - A little bit.

E-5.

Miss.

Oh.

Geez.

B-4.

Do you know anything
about gay people?

I think sometimes
they like to wear handkerchiefs.

Okay. I can work with that.

Do you need to...

buy a handkerchief?

- What? No.
- 'Cause it'd be cool if you did.

No, Sabrina has
this gay friend, Jordan,

and every time he and his
boyfriend come to town,

I end up looking like an idiot.

It's like our drama teacher
from eighth grade, remember?

Mr. K... he was always
talking about his mystery wife.

We called
her Mrs. Beard.

Well, guess
where I ran into him.

It starts with "Fire"
and it ends with "Island."

Oh, you're so bad!

Oh, James looks lost.

No. I...

Your teacher's wife had some
unfortunate facial hair,

and then he ended up
on a burning island.

Uh, no, we just had a...

teacher who's obviously gay
who refused to come out.

Oh, I get it. Yeah, it's stupid

when a gay guy tries to act
like a normal person.

Jimmy.

I did it again?

- That's offensive?
- You didn't know that, either?

How am I supposed to know that?
I don't know any gay people.

When I'd watch Will & Grace,
I'd fall asleep.

Till that lady with
the squeaky voice came on.

Is it weird that we don't
really know any gay people?

We clean pools and cut lawns.

There's not a lot of gay guys
in that profession.

It's not like
we've been avoiding them.

I guess that's true.

But it doesn't help me
not look like an idiot.

And they're staying with her
again this week.

You know what you should do?
You should go to a gay bar.

- Wait. What?
- You need

to find out what's okay to say
and not to say,

and what all these words mean.

It's like how I used

to have nothing to say
to Cockney Carl

while he was repairing my mower.

Then I learned some
Cockney rhyming slang.

Na we can rabbit
and pork aw the nickel and dime.

Yeah, would you come with me?

I have always wanted to know
what goes on in those places.

Who buys the drinks?

Do they have a women's bathroom,

or just twice as many urinals?

If you say to the bartender,
"I'm in the mood for some nuts,"

what do you get?

When you think about it,
I'm super gay-curious.

Aw, but I'm right
in the middle of a game.

- Against yourself?
- I'm very evenly matched. I'm guaranteed to win.

I'm the perfect opponent.

You're also guaranteed to lose.

True. I hate losing.

Okay.

I offer myself a draw.

Draw accepted.

Let's go.

- Huh.
- What?

I don't know.

I assumed there'd be more...

hot pants.

Burt?

Steve!

Guy!

What are the odds
that two other straight...

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me my wholesale
flower vendors are gay?

Guilty.

What are you doing here?
Are you...

No, my son's nervous
to meet someone,

so I just thought
I'd offer support.

Oh, he's your son.

We were saying
you could do a lot better.

Let us buy you a drink.

Okay.

Bye, Jimmy. Good luck.

Here I thought the most
interesting thing

about you was you
were a guy named Guy.

Ooh, I've got
oodles of secrets.

And I've got oodles of time.

I think.

"Oodles" is a gay form
of measurement, right?

While Dad was getting
to meet some old friends,

I was getting
to meet some new ones.

That's amazing.

So, "glory hole" has nothing
to do with a donut.

Oh, I get it.

Is it true you guys
wax the fellas?

I have a lot of dreams
about dolphins.

Does that mean anything?

So, if you bite me,

there's absolutely no chance
I'll turn gay?

Oh, maybe I did just make
that up in my head.

Oh, I get it!

A bear's a guy.

Ah, that makes way more sense.

Well, you know, it's
not nearly as impressive.

Well, of course, I mean,

who wouldn't want
a shower made out of gold?

Where were you?

It's so late.

I was at a gay bar with Jimmy.

I was having so much fun,
I just lost track of time.

You were where?

It was amazing, Virginia.

It changed my life.

Changed my life!

Changed your life how?

It was fabulous.

I could order
those fruity drinks I love

without feeling judged
by some breeder.

Breeder?

That's me and you
because we make babies.

Oh.

I'm telling you,
this place was incredible.

Get this: I fast-danced.

You fast-danced?

In public?

You hate fast-dancing in public.

That's because there's
always women around that I know

are making fun of the way
my shoulders go up and down.

But at The Polka Dot,
there's no women.

You look like you're trying
to shake a lizard off your back.

That's just what
a woman would say.

But at The Polka Dot,

they just make a circle
around you and clap.

I can't wait till next Thursday.

So, while I'm at Bunko,
your Thursday night thing's

going to be hanging out
at a gay bar?

Is it too weird?

It's weird, isn't it?

No.

I have my thing with the ladies.

I guess you should get to have
your thing with the boys.

Thanks.

And don't worry: I'll always
be the same guy you married.

Do you think it be weird
if I shaved my chest?

Some of the other guys
are doing it.

Give it a try.

Okay, two words.

Freddy Mercury.

You got it, Jimmy.

I'm turning in my gay card.

'Cause Freddy Mercury is gay.
Yeah, I-I got that.

Even though he never
came out publicly,

after his death,
he became a gay icon.

I'm sure he and Rock Hudson
are laughing about it

over Cosmopolitans
in gay heaven right now.

Rumor has it

it's somewhere
above Palm Springs.

Am I right, fellas?

Oh, ho, ho.

Well, as much
as we love charades,

there's another reason
why we came to visit.

Remember how in high school
you were so generous

and let borrow your leggings
when I went through

my Elizabeth Berkley
Showgirls phase?

Oh, my God, I still think

you would have been better
in that movie than she was.

Oh, I agree.

Thank you.

But now we want
to borrow something

even more important of yours:

an egg and your uterus.

- What?
- What?

We want to have a family,
but we're both sterile.

If you ever spend
time in Africa,

do not wear
glow-in-the-dark G-strings

that you bought on the street.

They don't have an FDA there.
Uh...

Anyway, Elijah's brother
said he would donate

and I figured you're like
a sister to me, so...

Friends. Acquaintances, really.

Yes.

Of course I will, yes.

- Oh, my God, really?
- Yes.

I love you.

So, you agreed to rent out
your fiance's uterus?

I wouldn't call it "renting."

They're not paying us.

So, you agreed to let someone
freeload on her uterus' couch?

That's even worse.

Well, I didn't agree
to anything.

I just lost the argument.

I just thought we
would have discussed it

before you agreed
to have another man's baby.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Yeah, I mean, we're engaged.

We should talk
about these things.

Let's just discuss this
in a reasonable manner.

Here are my pros:

Jordan and Elijah
would make great fathers.

Hope would have a cousin.

For nine months
I'd have huge boobs.

Let's hear the cons.

All right, uh, here we go.

Number one,

when I think about you doing it,
it makes my tummy hurt...

And now, I'm realizing
I shouldn't have numbered these

because that's it.

Okay.

Looks like
I'm having their baby.

Your problem is you're trying
to win an argument with words.

We're not word people, Jimmy.

We're more... uh...

th...

Listen,

within our family,

we can debate each other

because none of us
is that great with words.

It's a fair fight.

But out there in the world,

there are people
who can use words as weapons.

They're crafty.

That's close,
but not quite right.

You'll never win an argument
with Sabrina

unless you learn how to be...

Trickerish.

I like it.

Trickerish.

You need to learn
how to be more trickerish.

- Trickerisher.
- Trickerisher.

But I already said
that she could have the baby.

But what if Jordan and Elijah

change their minds?

That is very offensive,
Virginia.

They were born this way.

Not about being gay.
We need to

get them to change their minds
about wanting a baby.

That is the definition
of trickerish.

So we came up with
a plan to make Jordan

and Elijah realize they'd be
giving up their fabulous life

if they had a baby.

And the best day to do that on
was Gay Christmas.

Or Halloween as we call it.

Step 1 was dressing Hope up

as something Jordan and Elijah
couldn't resist.

And step 2 was making sure

that Sabrina
was out of the way.

James.

Didn't you see

the costume sign-up sheet?

I already called
"Buying-in-Bulk Hulk."

Oh.
You better just go home

because you wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.

I'll call somebody else in.

Hey, you know,
Sabrina's available.

Step 3:...
(doorbell rings)

Trick or treat.

set the bait.
Oh...

Jimmy, she's so cute.

Ooh.

Hello. What?

A fire at the orphanage?

I'm on my way.

Hey, guys, can you help me out?

I'm a volunteer fireman,
and I don't have time to drop...

Just go, go, go.
We got her.

Bring back some calendars.

Pull the pin and wait
for the explosion.

You're dressing as a mailman?

I'm one of the Village People.

There's no mailman
in the Village People.

I know there isn't.
I was gonna say...

I added a mailman
to the Village People

'cause I deliver
the biggest package.

Is that weird for a straight guy

to say to another guy
in a gay bar?

No, I think we're still
on the good side of weird here.

So for Bunko night,

you dressed up as...

a lady with a spaghetti stain
on her pants?

No, they called off Bunko
'cause it's Halloween.

Oh. Oh, I didn't know...

Well, maybe I shouldn't...

go.

No, you should go.

What if the Indian needs
to send an urgent letter

to the construction guy?

I'll just give candy to the
kids. You know I love that.

Cool. I'd bring you with me,

but all the other
married guys' wives

don't even know they're there.

Have fun.

Trick or treat.

Just take the whole thing.

I'm going to bed.

Num-num! Num-num!

Honey, stop.

Num-num!

Hey, what are you doing here?

We had to close the store early.
Barney had a toxic reaction

to all the green body paint
he was wearing.

It's burning.
My face is burning.

So I thought
I'd drop off my moped

and go meet Jordan and Elijah
at the Polka Dot.

What are you doing here?

You know, Hope got tired
of trick or treating,

so I left her with my mom,

and then I came back
to, uh, to scare some kids.

Seems like the type
of thing a...

normal 25-year-old man
would do.

No, it's fun. Watch.

Nice.

So you wanna come
to the Polka Dot,

or do you wanna
scare more kids?

Polka Dot.

Hey, nice costume, pal.

Not many people
can pull off Hitler.

Hey. Uh, listen, buddy.

I... Virginia?

Sorry.

Am I ruining guys' night?

No, thank God it's you.

Good. 'Cause I missed you.

Besides I really
wanted to see you dance.

Then I must be a cat
stuck in a tree

and the fire truck is here,

'cause it is time
for me to get down!

I can't believe how long
we had to stand in that line.

I know. This place
gets really crowded

when you're allowed
to wear a mask.

Hey, wait. Is that your dad?

Yeah.

I've never seen him happier.

Okay, that's a little much.

Dad.

I think you might have had
a little too much to...

Mom?

That's right.
I'm here,

we're queer.

Get used to it.

Whoa. Wait a second.

If you guys are here,

then who's watching Hope?

Okay, I admit it:
I made a mistake.

I'll just tell them I'm sorry.

No, Jimmy, you ruined Halloween
for two gay men.

"Sorry" is not gonna cut it.

Where's Hope?

Sleeping. Oh, so sweet.

- She didn't scream the whole time?
- Oh, she screamed.

We had to find a way
to stop her from screaming,

and believe me,
we tried everything.

Eventually,
when we calmed down,

we realized we'd learned
how to deal with this

from all the parenting books
we'd read.

You read parenting books?

Yeah.

Who'd have a child
without doing the research?

Um, maybe someone
who's prepared to make

a series of hopefully
entertaining mistakes.

Well, anyway,
because of her age,

and the behavior
she was exhibiting,

we realized that what she
wanted was her pacifier.

And we knew we could settle
her down by just getting one.

But then we thought:

That was just helping us.

So we decided to wean her
off of it entirely.

We read that going cold turkey
on the pacifier

- could be traumatizing for a child.
- But...

what if we could find a num-num

that would gradually
go away on its own?

Got it!

Yay!

Pop! Pop-pop-pop!

Patty-cake!

Right there.
You know patty-cake?

And once we got past
the whole num-num issue,

we were able to relax
and have a great time

with your fantastic daughter.

Ah!

Wow. That's amazing!

I've been trying to get her
to kick the habit,

and it looks like
you guys did it.

You guys are good at this.

You guys are gonna be
such great dads.

Well... if we get a baby
as great as Hope.

Uh, hint, hint.

You guys want to keep Hope?

No.

But we want one just like her.

We were talking about it,

and is there any way
you'd consider being our donor

instead of Elijah's brother?

- What?
- Wait.

If you're using my egg,

and Jimmy's sperm,

aren't we just

having a baby
that we're giving to you?

No, that'd be too weird.

- Ugh.
- And, um... to be honest,

you weren't Elijah's
first choice anyway.

Not that you aren't great.

It's just that Petra's
so much better.

- Petra?
- Our barista.

She's tall,

has gorgeous blonde hair...

A barista?

I'm losing out to a barista?

Aren't you a cashier
at a grocery store?

Yeah.

But I do that ironically.

Wow.

I am honored that
you guys would ask.

- Wha...
- I'll do it!

- Really?
- Yes.

We're having a baby!

Whoo!

How does this work with Petra?

Do I call her?

Do you call her? I mean...

You should come look at Hope
while she's sleeping.

She looks just like
a little angel.

Imagine something that cute

that could also work
an espresso machine.

Okay, first of all, this Petra?

She's steaming milk,
not splitting atoms.

Second of all...

Jimmy...

I thought we were going
to talk about big decisions

before we went and just...
made them.

You're right. You're right.
That was a rash decision.

We totally should've
done pros and cons.

Pros: they'll be great fathers.

Instead of a cousin,
Hope will have a half-sister.

And you won't have
any stretch marks.

Wow, I've actually got pros.

This is fun when you have pros.

Okay, what are the cons?

I got nothing.

Really?

I won an argument with words?

- It looks that way.
- Cool.

Well, let's go and tell
the guys the good news.

Um... no, you go ahead.

I... I don't feel so good.

Are you sick?

I don't know.

This whole thing just kind of
makes my stomach hurt.

You know what?

I don't think I want
to be the sperm donor.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Look, I know how you feel.

Sometimes you can't
explain or defend

why you feel a certain way
about something,

but that doesn't mean
you're not right.

If this makes you feel weird,

that's enough for me.

You win.

Thank you.

God, Jimmy, I'm sorry.

I mean, I really should
have done the same thing

when you said your stomach hurt.

It's okay.

At least we got
a good story out of it.

And the only person
I want to donate sperm to

is you.

That didn't sound as romantic
out loud as it did in my head.

Mm-mm.

I guess we should probably
go tell Jordan and Elijah.

I can't believe I have
to deny people my sperm.

I mean, there was a time
I couldn't give this stuff away.

This is starting
to get weird, isn't it?

Yeah.

- Yeah, it's getting weird.
- Let's get out of here.

All right, but walk slow.

The cucumber in my pants
is starting to slip.