Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Last Christmas - full transcript
Virginia is convinced the world is going to end.
Now that Hope was three,
this was probably gonna be
the first Christmas
she remembered.
So I worked double shifts
to be able to afford
everything she wanted.
Of course, I wasn't just
sacrificing my time,
I was sacrificing
my self-respect.
Indeed.
I'll take this.
Sabrina,
extreme couponers need to be
dealt with by extreme cashiers.
Virginia.
Barney.
What have you got today?
I have half off from the manufacturer,
which is stackable.
That means she can combine
it with other coupons.
So, I will also be using
this 20% off store coupon,
which I will them combine with a BOGO.
Buy one get one free.
What do you need with this
many dryer sheets, anyway?
They have thousands of uses.
They're great for getting rid of bugs.
You can use them as air fresheners.
Deodorant, napkins.
And if you're in a pinch,
you can use one as a coffee filter.
You're abusing the system.
The grocery store economy
is very volatile.
I'm already one broilworm
larvae outbreak in Southeast Asia away
from losing half my produce section,
and now you're trying
to kill me in home and garden.
Yeah, well, I really
wouldn't worry about it
because the world as we know it
is going to end on Friday, Barney.
So while the rest of you
are fighting each other
over a sip of water
from a radioactive puddle,
I will be sitting safely
in my survival bunker
sipping a nice, hot cup
of static-free,
spring-rain-scented java.
Did I not mention my mother thinks
the world is gonna end next Friday?
It all started about two years ago.
And when you look at the
fact that the Mayan calendar
ends on December 21, 2012,
the only logical conclusion
you can come to is
the world is going to end.
Can that be true?
Now, let's take a few callers--
Wilfrid in Camden County.
WILFRID: What you're saying
is totally true, man.
I heard it on a different
radio show yesterday.
Oh, my God.
It's true.
Are we all gonna die?
That's my worst fear--
to be here one day and gone the next.
Like I never even existed.
I guess this means I need
to get my bucket list started.
Bucket list?
You're 114 years old.
What the hell have you been waiting for?
Hey, I didn't know
what a bucket list was.
The movie just came out.
By the way,
spoiler alert-- it sucks.
The good news is
I found out about this now.
Now, I've got a plan.
The Chance family is
gonna be ready for this.
Mom was serious about us preparing,
so she gave us all jobs.
Dad was in charge of handling
any looters, mutants or aliens.
So he'd know how to reason with them,
he tried to learn
some down-home psychology
from Dr. Phil.
Aw, man.
He just said, "You can lie to yourself
"and pretend you're on a
first-class flight to London,
"but everybody else knows you're
on a freight train
to Stupid Town."
That should make her stop huffing paint.
And if reasoning didn't work,
Dad was taking a Krav Maga class
down at the community center.
Come on, use your extra arms.
He's got to be prepared
for anything these aliens
and/or mutants throw at us.
Kick him in the neck, Burt.
We have no idea where these
aliens' testicles will be.
Mom put me in charge of
post-apocalyptic first aid.
So, hey, before you tape
his stomach closed,
can you show me which one
of those things is his liver?
Mom set up a survival bunker
in the cellar and filled it
with all the things
necessary to survive,
which she paid for
using extreme couponing.
We're gonna be billionaires if I'm right
about dental floss
being the new currency.
And Maw Maw was figuring out
everything she wanted to do
before she died.
Hey, Maw Maw, I found a coupon
for the tattoo parlor.
Wasn't that on your bucket list?
Well, it was until this morning.
get in a fistfight,
sleep with a black man
and do stand-up comedy.
Even when we had major changes
in our lives,
we were still planning
for the end of the world.
Hey, Sabrina, right?
Oh, yeah, Johnny, right?
Uh, close enough.
Do you guys have any more
Band-Aids in the back?
I'm supposed to get like 600 boxes.
Planning on skinning your knees
a few times, are you?
Nah, nah.
We're stocking up
for the end of the world.
I'm sorry, what?
Dad, the cute girl at the
grocery store told me
that all this stuff about the
end of the world is a fallacy,
and fallacy doesn't mean
"penis," it means "not true."
Shh. Watch it.
You want your mother to hear you?
Of course the world's not gonna end.
You knew this?
For how long?
For years-- went to the
library and checked it out.
It's all a big hoax like bigfoot
or the Loch Ness monster,
or the Underwater Gorilla.
Then why are we stockpiling food
and learning how to fight
aliens and/or mutants?
Jimmy, we got four-years worth
of ice cream sandwiches in the basement.
Plus I get to spend my weekends
fake-fighting aliens.
It's a win-win.
Aw, I guess you're right.
Besides Rosa's family's
totally convinced.
We're gonna look like jerks if we don't
at least pretend to believe.
And when the super volcano blows,
the entire world will be covered
in ash and all of humanity will
be plunged into darkness and
despair for thousands of years.
It's true.
Enjoy your caramel crunch.
Mommy, we're all gonna die!
So rather than have
a big fight with Mom,
we just humored her.
Look what I bought online.
Turns urine into drinkable water.
It's used but I got a good deal.
Just needs a few go-rounds
in the dishwasher.
Six more months and this'll all be over.
No matter where I had testicles,
that would have hurt them.
Three more months and it'll all be over.
Drill! Evacuation drill!
Sabrina, if you're gonna become
a member of this family,
you need a job-- you're in
charge of figuring out how to
cook anything that survives
the initial... whatever.
Now, everybody get out
on the front lawn,
tuck yourselves into a little
ball and hold your breath.
You should be up to
three minutes by now.
One more month
and this'll all be over.
Which brings us to today...
Offer expires January fourth.
Coupon must be presented
at time of purchase.
Each coupon good for a maximum
of 12 boxes per customer!
Customer can use
a maximum of four coupons,
which means you and Burt
can only buy 96 boxes.
You need to put half these back.
Hopes buying some of these.
You'll have to put 48 boxes back.
Jimmy, get in line.
Sure, for everybody else.
For us, it's just the beginning.
With all the craziness
of preparing for the world to end,
it was easy to forget that
Christmas was right around the corner.
But I was still
determined to make Hope's
first Christmas memory a special one.
And that meant explaining
all the traditions to Hope,
and making sure we did
every last one of them.
And then he leaves
presents under the Christmas
tree for everyone,
but especially you.
and then you get to get the big piece.
Oh-oh-oh, not yet, honey.
We have to wait.
Can you please stop?
Make me, Nancy boy.
I've only got three things
left on my bucket list,
and I need to get into a fistfight.
Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight
you-- you're a million
years old and you broke your pelvis
falling off the roof of that car.
I'm sorry, what did you just say?
I'm not fluent in wussy.
I'll fight you.
You will?
Oh, yeah.
I've been wanting
to punch you in the face
ever since you told me I looked
like Ralph Macchio in drag.
Let's do this.
Hey, hey!
Fistfight's happening.
I'd be careful, Sabrina.
Maw Maw doesn't always
play by the rules.
I think I'll be all right.
Aw!
Ow!
tougher than that, you skinny little
Ralph-Macchio-looking bitch!
Guess there's nothing left to do
but celebrate Christmas tomorrow,
and then climb into our
hazmat suits and wait
for the Apocalypse.
What do you mean celebrate
Christmas tomorrow?
It's the 20th--
Christmas is the 25th.
Jimmy,
by the time the 25th rolls around,
Santa Claus will just
be a desperate old man
in a red suit peddling reindeer meat.
We're having Christmas tomorrow.
Sounds good to me, honey.
Good thinking.
All right, this has gone too far.
I am not celebrating
Christmas tomorrow night.
We've invested two years in this.
We're not backing down now.
We're still gonna have real Christmas.
Consider this practice Christmas.
We'll all wear matching pajamas,
we'll open some gifts.
It'll make your mother happy.
Fine.
But I'm not giving Hope her real
presents until actual Christmas.
Do whatever you want.
All I care is that
we're done by 8:00.
Your mother and I have quite
the End of the World Eve
Love Fest planned.
I'll spare you the graphic
specifics of the things
I'm gonna do to your mother.
It involves quite a bit of pudding.
I hope you didn't love her for her face.
'Cause she ain't so pretty no more.
So reluctantly, the next day we
all celebrated fake Christmas
with all of our Christmas traditions.
And as it turned out,
there were actually
some traditions
I didn't mind doing twice.
Like opening gifts...
Aw...
A Hundred and One Recipes for Insects.
You know, I just thought
when we were running
through crowds of people
whose skin was melting off,
this would be a nice way
to keep things light.
This is awesome!
Somebody rip a big one.
Let's see if this thing works.
JIMMY: ...or watching Ernest Saves
Christmas three times in a row.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?
You can't eat the big chocolate
until the 25th.
It's not the 25th.
Yeah, but we're celebrating
Christmas tonight, so...
You let her eat 21 through 24?
Of course I did.
What do we have to wait for?
It's Christmas.
No, it's not.
It's not Christmas.
Christmas is in five days, and that's
when we're going to celebrate it.
I don't want her first memories
of Christmas to be weird.
She's going to eat the proper chocolate
on the proper day.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna get the chocolate hard,
break it off my finger,
and then put pieces of it
back in the calendar.
Jimmy...
you're being silly.
I'm being silly?
We've got three cases of
dog food in the basement
labeled "zombie bait."
So what are you saying?
You don't think something's
gonna happen tomorrow?
No. No, I don't, Mom.
The only thing I think is gonna happen
is that you're gonna feel like an idiot
for eating 21 through 24.
Because you're crazy.
I'm not crazy.
Oh, please.
We all think you're crazy.
Even Maw Maw thinks you're crazy.
Burt, is that true?
Does everybody think I'm crazy?
Not I.
I think you're spot on
with this whole thing.
Really?
You think that, huh?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
Wouldn't even worry about Jimmy.
He's not gonna last two weeks
against the mutant spider army.
So... Jimmy, give me that.
What's that?
I thought we should
open up all the gifts.
Dad hid this in my room.
Looks like it has your name on it, Mom!
Ow, ow. Ow.
Pie-of-the-Month Club?
"I know you're disappointed
"that the world didn't end,
"but at least we have pie.
Love, Burt."
You...
Three hours.
You couldn't wait three more hours?
And there goes my End of
the World Eve Love Fest.
Ah, I can't believe I was nice enough
to spare you the graphic specifics
of what I was gonna do to your mother.
Well, it's ten seconds to midnight, Mom.
Maybe we should talk.
I would hate to be mad at each other
when absolutely nothing happens.
That's funny, Jimmy.
You're a regular Tosh period zero.
Three...
two...
one.
Good night.
No one said it would happen
exactly at midnight.
We got 24 hours.
Ah, another beautiful day, huh?
Guess the Grim Reaper
must've hit the snooze button.
Shut up.
Hey, baby!
Smart purchase.
This is not to you.
Not for you.
Kim Kardashian hasn't tweeted all day.
The government obviously has
all the important celebrities
hidden in an underground bunker.
She was just getting a colonic.
Thanks.
Mom! Mom, Mom, Mom!
Mom!
Everything's fine.
They're only to be used as possum bait
or for celebrating the victory
of the surviving humans
over the mutant aliens
with s'mores, okay?
Damn it!
It's not the end of the world.
Look, I know you planned for
this to happen and everything,
but aren't you the tiniest bit glad
the world isn't over?
No, I'm not.
This was supposed to be my moment, Burt.
I was finally going to show Jimmy
that I could be a good mom.
Jimmy thinks you're a good mom.
Oh, please.
Every week he dredges up
some parenting disaster from our past.
How I didn't breastfeed him,
how his first steps were
down a flight of stairs,
how we forget him that time
at a Whitesnake concert.
Oh, come on.
What nine-year-old gets to say
they spent a week on
the Whitesnake tour bus?
I just thought that he would
look at me as a good mom,
if three-quarters of the human
population was wiped out
and I was prepared.
Just for the record,
her pelvis was broken before I got here.
Get used to it.
You're getting them
for the next 374 years.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
Since the world was going to
end, we sold everything
and bought one-way first class
tickets to Disney World,
so we could watch the end of
civilization from Tomorrowland.
We thought it would be ironic.
ROSA:
But then, when nothing happened,
we had no money, and no way to get back.
It's hard to get picked up hitchhiking
with an alpaca.
What was that?
He tried to spit at you,
but he's dehydrated.
What are we going to do?
Carlos sold his ice cream truck,
I quit my job, we spent all our money,
and all we have to show for it
is feet full of blisters
and a souvenir mug
we've been using as a toilet.
Jimmy, go get
your first-aid kit.
I'll get you guys some water.
Burt, calm her down.
You are gonna be okay.
You're worried that you won't
come back from this?
I'm here to assure you
that dog don't hunt!
What is he talking about?
I don't know.
But it's very folksy and comforting.
we all sprang into action.
Dad found someone who didn't
mind using recycled water.
Why are you recycling his pee?
You could just give him
water from the tap.
We're settling an old score.
Isn't that right, buddy?
Wacky Mexican pony, two;
Burt, zero.
we had to figure out creative ways
to be able to afford to feed everyone.
I hope everybody enjoys this.
It's glowworm tetrazzini.
And if I cooked it right,
there should still be
a little glow left.
move into the survival bunker
we weren't using
until they were back on their feet.
It took a while,
but Mom sold all the stuff
she'd been stockpiling,
and used the money
to help Carlos buy back
his ice cream truck.
And before we knew it,
Rosa's family was back in business.
It turns out Mom did
have us all prepared
to deal with a disaster.
The disaster just turned out
to be someone else's.
I gotta say, Mom...
maybe you're not as crazy as I thought.
Why, 'cause Rosa's crazier?
The world still didn't end, Jimmy.
I'm not gonna start patting
myself on the back
'cause Rosa's a bigger idiot than I am.
Sure, the world didn't end,
but when you thought it was going to,
you didn't blow everything
to have fun, like Rosa did.
You made sure your family was protected.
That's pretty cool.
That is pretty cool.
Hey, where's Maw Maw?
I don't know.
She said she had something to do.
If you ever voted for a president
whose picture's on money,
you might be an old person.
has Roman numerals on it?
You might be an old person.
You ever had a three-way
with Lewis and Clark,
might be an old person.
and start keeping your quarters
in your elbow,
you might be an old person.
If you ever bought or sold
a human being...
You might be an old person.
You might be an old person.
this was probably gonna be
the first Christmas
she remembered.
So I worked double shifts
to be able to afford
everything she wanted.
Of course, I wasn't just
sacrificing my time,
I was sacrificing
my self-respect.
Indeed.
I'll take this.
Sabrina,
extreme couponers need to be
dealt with by extreme cashiers.
Virginia.
Barney.
What have you got today?
I have half off from the manufacturer,
which is stackable.
That means she can combine
it with other coupons.
So, I will also be using
this 20% off store coupon,
which I will them combine with a BOGO.
Buy one get one free.
What do you need with this
many dryer sheets, anyway?
They have thousands of uses.
They're great for getting rid of bugs.
You can use them as air fresheners.
Deodorant, napkins.
And if you're in a pinch,
you can use one as a coffee filter.
You're abusing the system.
The grocery store economy
is very volatile.
I'm already one broilworm
larvae outbreak in Southeast Asia away
from losing half my produce section,
and now you're trying
to kill me in home and garden.
Yeah, well, I really
wouldn't worry about it
because the world as we know it
is going to end on Friday, Barney.
So while the rest of you
are fighting each other
over a sip of water
from a radioactive puddle,
I will be sitting safely
in my survival bunker
sipping a nice, hot cup
of static-free,
spring-rain-scented java.
Did I not mention my mother thinks
the world is gonna end next Friday?
It all started about two years ago.
And when you look at the
fact that the Mayan calendar
ends on December 21, 2012,
the only logical conclusion
you can come to is
the world is going to end.
Can that be true?
Now, let's take a few callers--
Wilfrid in Camden County.
WILFRID: What you're saying
is totally true, man.
I heard it on a different
radio show yesterday.
Oh, my God.
It's true.
Are we all gonna die?
That's my worst fear--
to be here one day and gone the next.
Like I never even existed.
I guess this means I need
to get my bucket list started.
Bucket list?
You're 114 years old.
What the hell have you been waiting for?
Hey, I didn't know
what a bucket list was.
The movie just came out.
By the way,
spoiler alert-- it sucks.
The good news is
I found out about this now.
Now, I've got a plan.
The Chance family is
gonna be ready for this.
Mom was serious about us preparing,
so she gave us all jobs.
Dad was in charge of handling
any looters, mutants or aliens.
So he'd know how to reason with them,
he tried to learn
some down-home psychology
from Dr. Phil.
Aw, man.
He just said, "You can lie to yourself
"and pretend you're on a
first-class flight to London,
"but everybody else knows you're
on a freight train
to Stupid Town."
That should make her stop huffing paint.
And if reasoning didn't work,
Dad was taking a Krav Maga class
down at the community center.
Come on, use your extra arms.
He's got to be prepared
for anything these aliens
and/or mutants throw at us.
Kick him in the neck, Burt.
We have no idea where these
aliens' testicles will be.
Mom put me in charge of
post-apocalyptic first aid.
So, hey, before you tape
his stomach closed,
can you show me which one
of those things is his liver?
Mom set up a survival bunker
in the cellar and filled it
with all the things
necessary to survive,
which she paid for
using extreme couponing.
We're gonna be billionaires if I'm right
about dental floss
being the new currency.
And Maw Maw was figuring out
everything she wanted to do
before she died.
Hey, Maw Maw, I found a coupon
for the tattoo parlor.
Wasn't that on your bucket list?
Well, it was until this morning.
get in a fistfight,
sleep with a black man
and do stand-up comedy.
Even when we had major changes
in our lives,
we were still planning
for the end of the world.
Hey, Sabrina, right?
Oh, yeah, Johnny, right?
Uh, close enough.
Do you guys have any more
Band-Aids in the back?
I'm supposed to get like 600 boxes.
Planning on skinning your knees
a few times, are you?
Nah, nah.
We're stocking up
for the end of the world.
I'm sorry, what?
Dad, the cute girl at the
grocery store told me
that all this stuff about the
end of the world is a fallacy,
and fallacy doesn't mean
"penis," it means "not true."
Shh. Watch it.
You want your mother to hear you?
Of course the world's not gonna end.
You knew this?
For how long?
For years-- went to the
library and checked it out.
It's all a big hoax like bigfoot
or the Loch Ness monster,
or the Underwater Gorilla.
Then why are we stockpiling food
and learning how to fight
aliens and/or mutants?
Jimmy, we got four-years worth
of ice cream sandwiches in the basement.
Plus I get to spend my weekends
fake-fighting aliens.
It's a win-win.
Aw, I guess you're right.
Besides Rosa's family's
totally convinced.
We're gonna look like jerks if we don't
at least pretend to believe.
And when the super volcano blows,
the entire world will be covered
in ash and all of humanity will
be plunged into darkness and
despair for thousands of years.
It's true.
Enjoy your caramel crunch.
Mommy, we're all gonna die!
So rather than have
a big fight with Mom,
we just humored her.
Look what I bought online.
Turns urine into drinkable water.
It's used but I got a good deal.
Just needs a few go-rounds
in the dishwasher.
Six more months and this'll all be over.
No matter where I had testicles,
that would have hurt them.
Three more months and it'll all be over.
Drill! Evacuation drill!
Sabrina, if you're gonna become
a member of this family,
you need a job-- you're in
charge of figuring out how to
cook anything that survives
the initial... whatever.
Now, everybody get out
on the front lawn,
tuck yourselves into a little
ball and hold your breath.
You should be up to
three minutes by now.
One more month
and this'll all be over.
Which brings us to today...
Offer expires January fourth.
Coupon must be presented
at time of purchase.
Each coupon good for a maximum
of 12 boxes per customer!
Customer can use
a maximum of four coupons,
which means you and Burt
can only buy 96 boxes.
You need to put half these back.
Hopes buying some of these.
You'll have to put 48 boxes back.
Jimmy, get in line.
Sure, for everybody else.
For us, it's just the beginning.
With all the craziness
of preparing for the world to end,
it was easy to forget that
Christmas was right around the corner.
But I was still
determined to make Hope's
first Christmas memory a special one.
And that meant explaining
all the traditions to Hope,
and making sure we did
every last one of them.
And then he leaves
presents under the Christmas
tree for everyone,
but especially you.
and then you get to get the big piece.
Oh-oh-oh, not yet, honey.
We have to wait.
Can you please stop?
Make me, Nancy boy.
I've only got three things
left on my bucket list,
and I need to get into a fistfight.
Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight
you-- you're a million
years old and you broke your pelvis
falling off the roof of that car.
I'm sorry, what did you just say?
I'm not fluent in wussy.
I'll fight you.
You will?
Oh, yeah.
I've been wanting
to punch you in the face
ever since you told me I looked
like Ralph Macchio in drag.
Let's do this.
Hey, hey!
Fistfight's happening.
I'd be careful, Sabrina.
Maw Maw doesn't always
play by the rules.
I think I'll be all right.
Aw!
Ow!
tougher than that, you skinny little
Ralph-Macchio-looking bitch!
Guess there's nothing left to do
but celebrate Christmas tomorrow,
and then climb into our
hazmat suits and wait
for the Apocalypse.
What do you mean celebrate
Christmas tomorrow?
It's the 20th--
Christmas is the 25th.
Jimmy,
by the time the 25th rolls around,
Santa Claus will just
be a desperate old man
in a red suit peddling reindeer meat.
We're having Christmas tomorrow.
Sounds good to me, honey.
Good thinking.
All right, this has gone too far.
I am not celebrating
Christmas tomorrow night.
We've invested two years in this.
We're not backing down now.
We're still gonna have real Christmas.
Consider this practice Christmas.
We'll all wear matching pajamas,
we'll open some gifts.
It'll make your mother happy.
Fine.
But I'm not giving Hope her real
presents until actual Christmas.
Do whatever you want.
All I care is that
we're done by 8:00.
Your mother and I have quite
the End of the World Eve
Love Fest planned.
I'll spare you the graphic
specifics of the things
I'm gonna do to your mother.
It involves quite a bit of pudding.
I hope you didn't love her for her face.
'Cause she ain't so pretty no more.
So reluctantly, the next day we
all celebrated fake Christmas
with all of our Christmas traditions.
And as it turned out,
there were actually
some traditions
I didn't mind doing twice.
Like opening gifts...
Aw...
A Hundred and One Recipes for Insects.
You know, I just thought
when we were running
through crowds of people
whose skin was melting off,
this would be a nice way
to keep things light.
This is awesome!
Somebody rip a big one.
Let's see if this thing works.
JIMMY: ...or watching Ernest Saves
Christmas three times in a row.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?
You can't eat the big chocolate
until the 25th.
It's not the 25th.
Yeah, but we're celebrating
Christmas tonight, so...
You let her eat 21 through 24?
Of course I did.
What do we have to wait for?
It's Christmas.
No, it's not.
It's not Christmas.
Christmas is in five days, and that's
when we're going to celebrate it.
I don't want her first memories
of Christmas to be weird.
She's going to eat the proper chocolate
on the proper day.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna get the chocolate hard,
break it off my finger,
and then put pieces of it
back in the calendar.
Jimmy...
you're being silly.
I'm being silly?
We've got three cases of
dog food in the basement
labeled "zombie bait."
So what are you saying?
You don't think something's
gonna happen tomorrow?
No. No, I don't, Mom.
The only thing I think is gonna happen
is that you're gonna feel like an idiot
for eating 21 through 24.
Because you're crazy.
I'm not crazy.
Oh, please.
We all think you're crazy.
Even Maw Maw thinks you're crazy.
Burt, is that true?
Does everybody think I'm crazy?
Not I.
I think you're spot on
with this whole thing.
Really?
You think that, huh?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
Wouldn't even worry about Jimmy.
He's not gonna last two weeks
against the mutant spider army.
So... Jimmy, give me that.
What's that?
I thought we should
open up all the gifts.
Dad hid this in my room.
Looks like it has your name on it, Mom!
Ow, ow. Ow.
Pie-of-the-Month Club?
"I know you're disappointed
"that the world didn't end,
"but at least we have pie.
Love, Burt."
You...
Three hours.
You couldn't wait three more hours?
And there goes my End of
the World Eve Love Fest.
Ah, I can't believe I was nice enough
to spare you the graphic specifics
of what I was gonna do to your mother.
Well, it's ten seconds to midnight, Mom.
Maybe we should talk.
I would hate to be mad at each other
when absolutely nothing happens.
That's funny, Jimmy.
You're a regular Tosh period zero.
Three...
two...
one.
Good night.
No one said it would happen
exactly at midnight.
We got 24 hours.
Ah, another beautiful day, huh?
Guess the Grim Reaper
must've hit the snooze button.
Shut up.
Hey, baby!
Smart purchase.
This is not to you.
Not for you.
Kim Kardashian hasn't tweeted all day.
The government obviously has
all the important celebrities
hidden in an underground bunker.
She was just getting a colonic.
Thanks.
Mom! Mom, Mom, Mom!
Mom!
Everything's fine.
They're only to be used as possum bait
or for celebrating the victory
of the surviving humans
over the mutant aliens
with s'mores, okay?
Damn it!
It's not the end of the world.
Look, I know you planned for
this to happen and everything,
but aren't you the tiniest bit glad
the world isn't over?
No, I'm not.
This was supposed to be my moment, Burt.
I was finally going to show Jimmy
that I could be a good mom.
Jimmy thinks you're a good mom.
Oh, please.
Every week he dredges up
some parenting disaster from our past.
How I didn't breastfeed him,
how his first steps were
down a flight of stairs,
how we forget him that time
at a Whitesnake concert.
Oh, come on.
What nine-year-old gets to say
they spent a week on
the Whitesnake tour bus?
I just thought that he would
look at me as a good mom,
if three-quarters of the human
population was wiped out
and I was prepared.
Just for the record,
her pelvis was broken before I got here.
Get used to it.
You're getting them
for the next 374 years.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
Since the world was going to
end, we sold everything
and bought one-way first class
tickets to Disney World,
so we could watch the end of
civilization from Tomorrowland.
We thought it would be ironic.
ROSA:
But then, when nothing happened,
we had no money, and no way to get back.
It's hard to get picked up hitchhiking
with an alpaca.
What was that?
He tried to spit at you,
but he's dehydrated.
What are we going to do?
Carlos sold his ice cream truck,
I quit my job, we spent all our money,
and all we have to show for it
is feet full of blisters
and a souvenir mug
we've been using as a toilet.
Jimmy, go get
your first-aid kit.
I'll get you guys some water.
Burt, calm her down.
You are gonna be okay.
You're worried that you won't
come back from this?
I'm here to assure you
that dog don't hunt!
What is he talking about?
I don't know.
But it's very folksy and comforting.
we all sprang into action.
Dad found someone who didn't
mind using recycled water.
Why are you recycling his pee?
You could just give him
water from the tap.
We're settling an old score.
Isn't that right, buddy?
Wacky Mexican pony, two;
Burt, zero.
we had to figure out creative ways
to be able to afford to feed everyone.
I hope everybody enjoys this.
It's glowworm tetrazzini.
And if I cooked it right,
there should still be
a little glow left.
move into the survival bunker
we weren't using
until they were back on their feet.
It took a while,
but Mom sold all the stuff
she'd been stockpiling,
and used the money
to help Carlos buy back
his ice cream truck.
And before we knew it,
Rosa's family was back in business.
It turns out Mom did
have us all prepared
to deal with a disaster.
The disaster just turned out
to be someone else's.
I gotta say, Mom...
maybe you're not as crazy as I thought.
Why, 'cause Rosa's crazier?
The world still didn't end, Jimmy.
I'm not gonna start patting
myself on the back
'cause Rosa's a bigger idiot than I am.
Sure, the world didn't end,
but when you thought it was going to,
you didn't blow everything
to have fun, like Rosa did.
You made sure your family was protected.
That's pretty cool.
That is pretty cool.
Hey, where's Maw Maw?
I don't know.
She said she had something to do.
If you ever voted for a president
whose picture's on money,
you might be an old person.
has Roman numerals on it?
You might be an old person.
You ever had a three-way
with Lewis and Clark,
might be an old person.
and start keeping your quarters
in your elbow,
you might be an old person.
If you ever bought or sold
a human being...
You might be an old person.
You might be an old person.