Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 13 - What Happens at Howdy's Doesn't Stay at Howdy's - full transcript
Frank throws Jimmy a bachelor party.
I'm not sure she's ready
for her first sleepover.
Maybe I should cancel my bachelor party.
No, then I'll feel guilty about
having my bachelorette party,
and I won't be able
to enjoy watching a...
very muscular
half-man, half-tripod
gyrate in my no-fly zone.
Well, there is not
going to be any of that
happening at my party.
We're just gonna be
hanging out, playing Mad Libs,
see what it's like to play beer
pong sober-- never done that.
And then, after a while, if we're still
going strong, maybe we'll check out
Jay Leno's take on the day's events.
Oh, come on.
Don't make me do this alone.
When we compare notes,
we should both feel shameful.
No, I mean...
the last time I went wild,
I knocked up a serial killer.
In fact, every time I've gotten
wild, I've made bad decisions.
In high school, I became a Goth freak
and I pierced my wang-doodle.
That explains the whistling noise
when we were getting frisky
the other night.
You know, I thought somebody
put on the teakettle.
Nope.
I've got a tiny, whistling hole
in my wang-doodle.
What's that?
Uh, nothing. Just some...
boring girl stuff I bought
for the bachelorette party.
So boring you had to hide it
in the vegetable crisper?
(sighs)
Okay, fine.
It's a bag of penises.
Whose are they, and why do they
have to be kept crisp?
I went to the novelty store to
pick up some things for tonight,
and I couldn't stop myself!
They had penis hats, glasses, socks.
But not all of it was dirty stuff.
They also had
these salt and pepper shakers
that were shaped like little mushrooms.
No. Wait.
I just realized something.
Ooh, I see
you got some
vagina-shaped pasta.
No, those are just shells.
I stopped by Howdy's.
That is not fair.
You're gonna have a crazy night
with the girls,
and for my first bachelor party,
I don't know exactly
what's gonna happen,
but I've heard the words "mocktails"
and "jigsaw puzzles,"
so I don't have a good feeling.
You should be proud
that your son isn't a pervert.
I mean, we might have made
some mistakes here and there,
but we were obviously classy
parents who made a good example.
(oven timer buzzes) Ooh!
My boner scones are ready.
Okay. That's the last word.
So the story is,
"I was 'bored'
"in my 'bored' hat and went to my...
"'boring' room, where I saw
"a 'bored' that was eating my
giant 'this sucks.'"
I don't think that even makes sense.
(knocking)
(groans)
(mumbles)
Oh, hi, Tyler.
Hey, I think you got the wrong house.
We didn't order any pizzas tonight.
I'm not here on pizza business.
I'm a videographer.
That's why I brought my assistants,
my son and his friend,
who was unfortunate enough
to be sleeping over tonight.
The pizzas are our dinner
since the gentleman who hired us
refused to provide food.
It's a job, man, not a buffet.
Frank, this doesn't need to be recorded.
You could say that about every single
Matthew McConaughey movie ever made,
but that didn't stop Hollywood,
and it won't stop us.
You're all going down.
Though I guess that is kind
of the point of the game.
Bitches, you don't stand a chance.
I have low self-esteem
and I'm hungry.
I haven't paid
a speeding ticket since 1962.
You're about to see why.
Okay. On the count of three.
One,
two...
(doorbell rings)
Stripper time!
Somebody order a pizza?
Sabrina, we didn't order a...
...a stripper.
That's a real pizza guy.
Please don't judge.
I get free pizza
and I sit in a car all night.
Oh! Ah. I found
the corner piece.
BURT: This is a bachelor party.
I want to go in the bathroom
and find a tiger.
I want to get punched
in the face by Mike Tyson.
I want to wake up on the roof
of a Las Vegas hotel.
Like that movie The Hangover.
Didn't see it.
JIMMY: This is
a low-key night-- we're not
gonna have that kind of party.
You can turn off the camera.
Nothing crazy is gonna happen.
(knocking)
Are you open?
(knocking)
Anyone there?
Are you open?
Hello?
It's an emergency.
I can't eat my oatmeal without raisins!
(sobs)
What the hell happened?
(bleating)
'Sup?
(chittering)
Oh, geez.
Oh, boy.
Oh, God.
Top of the mornin'.
Last night was wild.
I'm not sure who remembers what,
but don't worry,
Tyler and the kids
captured the whole thing.
They're editing it as we speak.
'Sup, drunk white people.
You can turn the cameras off.
Nothing crazy is gonna happen.
It's go time.
MEN (chanting): Jimmy! Jimmy!
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!
What in tarnation?
(chanting): Jimmy! Jimmy!
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!
Say hello to the boys
of Theta Delta Sigma,
the hardest partying fraternity
Natesville Vocational School
has to offer.
(barking)
FRANK:
I invited them to help
give you the best night of your life.
Frat guys? Kegs of beer?
And a free slice of pizza
from two generous young...
Ow. I'll eat chips.
But it's still gonna be a great night!
Frank, I said I didn't want a big party!
I heard your words,
but as your BFF--
best friend Frank--
I also heard your thoughts.
Frank!
Stop this! Stop this!
(grunting)
(men barking)
(Jimmy shouting)
♪
♪
(indistinct chatter)
Barney Hughes,
requesting permission to re-pledge.
Uh,
re-pledge?
Well,
22 years ago I pledged your fraternity
when I was at Natesville State.
I made it all the way to when
I had to swallow the goldfish.
But... I chewed.
I chewed.
Gross, dude.
Animal cruelty isn't cool.
But if you want the honor
of calling yourself a T-Delt,
just run full-speed
into that tree.
(grunts)
(men groan over video)
Porno! Porno! Porno!
JIMMY:
Whoa! Frank,
we can't watch porn
back here, all right?
Neighbors can see it.
Then they'll get ideas and come over.
With wine coolers.
Remind me to tell you that story.
It's not porn.
Aw!
FRANK: Look,
it's no secret your fiancee and I
don't get along.
So I just want to make sure
you have a clear picture
of the woman
you're going to call your wife.
(men groan)
Deal-breaker!
(high-pitched flatulence)
MEN (chanting): Girls don't fart!
Girls don't fart!
FRANK: You think that's (chuckles)
disgusting, check out
what she's gonna look like in 30 years.
(men groan)
FRANK: For lack of a stronger vocabulary,
she looks like human diarrhea.
JIMMY:
What can I say, Frank?
I'm in love.
All right, looks like
he still wants to do it.
On to phase two.
I was hoping you would change
your mind about this
stupid marriage if we caught Sabrina
cheating on you, but unfortunately,
her party was pretty lame.
♪ ♪
Honey! He's home!
(muffled shouting)
Are you okay?
Oh, my God, did that hurt!
♪ ♪
Why does your stripper look like Brian,
the chubby kid I went
to high school with?
Hey. Jimmy Chance.
Long time.
(chuckles)
Quit staring, Jimmy!
You're making this awkward!
Ah. Aw, keg's dead!
(all groan)
Wh-Where we gonna get beer
this time of night?
I have keys to a grocery store!
(all cheer)
MEN (chanting): Old pledge! Old pledge!
Old pledge! Old pledge!
Old pledge! Old pledge!
Old pledge!
It's all for us!
Take it all!
Whoo!
(bleating)
(chuckling)
(chittering)
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
(men cheer)
FRANK: Everyone was having a good time,
but I had a job to do.
Pull!
Since none of my plans
to stop this wedding
were working,
I had to go to my last resort.
Check this out.
Mmm.
My sister's old wedding dress.
(chuckles)
We should have a fake wedding.
It'll be hilarious.
To the happy couple!
(groans)
(all cheering)
Frank, do you take Jimmy to be
your lawfully wedded partner?
I do.
(chuckles)
DANCIN' DAN:
And, Jimmy,
do you take Frank to be
your lawfully wedded partner?
I do.
I always imagined
this would happen in Vegas
in a little wedding chapel
while we're being chased
by this little Asian guy.
You mean like in The Hangover?
Has everyone seen this movie except me?
I now pronounce you husbands for life.
Whoo!
(all cheering)
MEN:
Married! Married!
Married! Married! Married!
FRANK: And in case you're
wondering if it's legal,
here's our marriage license.
Hey, Jimmy.
The egg delivery guy is here,
and I can't find Barney.
Can you sign for it?
Yeah.
We're gonna need a witness to
prove Jimmy signed for the eggs.
Yeah.
So... sorry, Sabrina.
You can't marry Jimmy anymore
because he's already taken.
(laughs)
(grunting)
Open the damn door, you little freak!
Oh, the ex.
This is uncomfortable.
You listen to me.
Oh, my God.
(sighs)
I forgot.
You have this whole weird town
and all those creepy dolls.
They're not dolls, they're action figures.
You better fix this, Frank,
because you are not
messing up my wedding!
I'm sorry, but if I let you guys
get married,
it'll mess up the plans
I made for Jimmy and I.
I mapped out a whole
future for us. Look.
First, I thought
we could learn how to surf
and show off our ripped bods
to the chicks at the beach.
Then, with your artistic talent
and my love of frigid temperatures,
I thought we could become
professional ice sculptors.
Then, in the off-season,
figured we could go to Spain
and run with the bulls.
Just because Jimmy and I
are getting married
doesn't mean you guys can't
do all that cool stuff together.
Seriously?
Awesome.
I've got a lot of other ideas, too.
I'll be right back.
(quietly):
What are you doing?
I don't want to go surfing with Frank.
I'm afraid of sharks
and jellyfish and sea lions.
I don't think sea lions
are what you think they are.
They're the kings of the ocean, right?
No, not really.
Look, we are dealing
with a mental patient here.
We just have to tell him
exactly what he wants to hear,
and then he'll give you the divorce,
and then we can go get married.
FRANK:
We are going to have
so much fun.
How familiar are you
with the game I just invented
called unicycle lacrosse?
Yeah.
Listen, I'm at a client's house.
I can't discuss this right now.
Well, I don't think you should
wear a bow tie to the meeting.
Sorry about that.
Trouble with another client.
Sorry I'm late.
I was having trouble with my lawyer.
Wait.
You're representing him, too?
Oh, I'm afraid that's
attorney-client privilege.
But since you're also my client,
I think I can say yes.
An unusual tactic.
I want to see where this goes.
But be warned, counselor.
You're on a short leash.
(whispering):
Law and Order.
WALLY:
Okay.
Before my client
signs these divorce papers,
he's requested that you sign
a postnuptial agreement.
Which my client has full right
to refuse to sign.
You'll sign, or we'll see you in court.
"I, Jimmy Chance,
"promise to build birdhouses
with Frank Marolla,
"go on a hot air balloon ride,
"do monthly mole check.
"If I should fail
to fulfill these duties,
"I hereby relinquish the rights
to my van
"and custody of my daughter,
what's-her-name,
"who will then "be raised by Frank
"and immediately renamed
She-Frank."
I'm not signing this.
Well, why not?
It's just all the things
you promised we'd do together.
Because I don't want
to do any of that stuff, Frank.
I just want to marry the girl
I love, and if you were
a real friend, you'd understand that.
Great point, Jimmy.
Frank, how could you let him
say that to you?
I knew this was a mistake.
Never should have agreed
to this stupid meeting.
This is far from over!
I think we're in pretty good shape.
This is crazy.
Right? I've
got to be able
to get a divorce without him.
You get him to sign it,
and it'll be quick and easy.
But if not, and his lawyer
gets wind of this,
which he just did,
then they can really drag this out.
Which I fully intend to do.
What if someone cuts Frank's brake lines
and he died in a fiery car crash?
I'm spit-balling here.
If anybody's got a better idea
how to kill Frank and get away with it,
the floor is yours.
Wait a minute.
If he wants to be married to Jimmy,
maybe we should see
if he really wants
to be married to Jimmy.
That's a great idea.
Jimmy should pressure him
for sex constantly.
He'll enjoy it
for the first couple of months,
but eventually,
it'll just turn into a chore.
VIRGINIA: No, I'm not saying they should
conjugate the marriage, Burt.
I just think Frank should see
what it's really like spending
all his time with Jimmy.
(phone ringing)
Wally Phipps.
Oh. You were brilliant,
and that bow tie did look great.
(laughs)
Oh, those Chances don't
have a chance of winning.
Yeah.
I don't have a fancy pun for "Frank,"
but we're gonna destroy him.
Oh, wait.
I'm speaking to you frankly.
(laughs)
Nailed it.
All right, Frank thinks
spending all his time
with Jimmy would be great.
But what he doesn't know is what
a pain in the ass you are.
What are you talking about?
You've got some annoying habits.
Like when you sing in the shower.
JIMMY (off-key):
♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪
♪ All the livelong day ♪
♪ I've been working
on the railroad ♪
♪ Just to pass the time... ♪
(toilet flushing)
(screaming)
SABRINA:
And when you're irritated,
you do a play-by-play
of your every move.
Oh, great, you ate
the last of the cookies.
Now I've got to pick up the plate,
walk back to the kitchen,
put the plate in the sink.
(glass breaking)
Pick up the broken pieces.
Ah, God!
Cut my finger.
Now I've got to look
for a Band-Aid.
And, of course,
there are none in the drawer.
But I found some cookies.
Walking back into the living room.
And I'm sitting back down.
Only to see you drank
the last of the milk.
Getting up again...
BURT:
It drives me crazy
when you only drink half of every soda.
Jimmy!
Without the bubbles,
my tongue gets the flavor,
but my nose doesn't get the tickle.
Puts my whole face out of whack.
I mean, these are all just bad habits.
I mean, look, somebody could
have just said something.
That's annoying, too.
How you always make everything
our fault.
Totally.
Oh, yeah.
All right, fine.
I'm annoying.
I'll just go and get Frank
to divorce me by being myself.
And I'm headed to the door.
I'm grabbing my jacket.
Ugh!
Looking for my shoes.
Ugh.
Looking...
The first thing I had to do
was go to Frank's and make him believe
I was really moving in.
Jimmy?
(loudly): Okay.
Fine. You know what?! It's over!
Whoa. What
happened there?
What can I say, Frank? Bitches.
Does your offer still stand
to live here?
Are you kidding?
Our monogrammed towels
got here this morning.
Of course it still stands.
Make yourself at home, hubby.
JIMMY: First, I tried
annoying him in the bathroom.
JIMMY (off-key):
♪ Someone's in the kitchen, I know ♪
♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah ♪
♪ Strummin' on the old banjo ♪
FRANK: ♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-ay ♪
♪ Fee, fie,
fiddly-i-o ♪
♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-ay ♪
♪ Strummin' on the old banjo. ♪
JIMMY: Then I tried annoying
him in the kitchen.
Awesome. I always said the
problem with soda is that
it's too bubbly, and there's
too much of it in each can.
JIMMY: Some things I didn't
even get a chance to try.
What are you doing in there?
JIMMY: I'm looking for a glass.
What about now?
Rinsing the glass out.
And now?
Still rinsing.
Gonna be a couple minutes.
You want some company?
JIMMY: Turns out Frank was so happy
to have someone in his life,
he didn't care what I did.
And that actually made being
married to him kind of fun.
(knocking)
BURT: Psst! Jimmy!
It's been three days.
What's the holdup?
Leave me alone.
All right, I'm working on it.
Work faster. We got sick
of explaining where you were,
so we told Hope you were mad at her.
The longer this goes on,
the worse that decision looks.
Maybe it's time
to tell Frank to take a drive.
You know,
down a long road, by a steep cliff.
What? I'm just kidding.
What? I didn't cut
his brake lines.
FRANK:
Jimmy, your sardines are ready.
I'll be right there!
Busting out the big guns, huh?
I forgot how you like
to eat those stinky sardines.
He's gonna hate that.
Yeah, he does hate it,
but you know what?
He doesn't just secretly
judge me for my annoying habits
like the rest of you.
He loves me for who I am.
There's no way he loves you, Jimmy.
You're going to wind up living
in a cage in the basement, I feel it.
JIMMY: Frank is a
wonderful person.
He doesn't yell at me for
leaving my towel on the floor,
or complain that I'm a horrible singer.
No. He harmonizes
and brings me on-key.
And if that isn't a metaphor,
I don't know what is.
I'm serious. I don't know
what a metaphor is.
Frank wouldn't judge me for that.
(sighs)
Jimmy,
I just wanted to say
that these last few days
have been better
than I could have ever imagined.
(sighs)
I've never really had
a relationship before,
and every moment with you
has been a revelation.
I know exactly how you feel.
I've never felt so
accepted for who I am.
Me, neither.
Mmm.
(sighs)
But here's the thing.
I think I might rather try it
with a girl.
A girl?
Yeah, you know, for the sex part.
So, you're breaking up with me?
Just like that?
But there's so much stuff
that I wanted us to do together.
Well, we can still be friends, Jimmy.
It's not like
we'll never see each other.
We'll always have Howdy's.
Let me drive you home.
Whoa! Frank, no!
Um, let's walk.
I mean, it's beautiful out.
Sabrina cut my brakes, didn't she?
Yeah, probably.
That's a damn fine woman
you got there, Jimmy.
Damn fine.
So, the next day,
Frank and I called Wally
and got a divorce.
But not before
I added a post-nup
to make sure we'd always stay friends.
I now pronounce you
ex-husband and ex-wife.
You may now kiss your fiancée.
FRANK: When I finally find the one,
I hope you'll at least
consider swapping.
for her first sleepover.
Maybe I should cancel my bachelor party.
No, then I'll feel guilty about
having my bachelorette party,
and I won't be able
to enjoy watching a...
very muscular
half-man, half-tripod
gyrate in my no-fly zone.
Well, there is not
going to be any of that
happening at my party.
We're just gonna be
hanging out, playing Mad Libs,
see what it's like to play beer
pong sober-- never done that.
And then, after a while, if we're still
going strong, maybe we'll check out
Jay Leno's take on the day's events.
Oh, come on.
Don't make me do this alone.
When we compare notes,
we should both feel shameful.
No, I mean...
the last time I went wild,
I knocked up a serial killer.
In fact, every time I've gotten
wild, I've made bad decisions.
In high school, I became a Goth freak
and I pierced my wang-doodle.
That explains the whistling noise
when we were getting frisky
the other night.
You know, I thought somebody
put on the teakettle.
Nope.
I've got a tiny, whistling hole
in my wang-doodle.
What's that?
Uh, nothing. Just some...
boring girl stuff I bought
for the bachelorette party.
So boring you had to hide it
in the vegetable crisper?
(sighs)
Okay, fine.
It's a bag of penises.
Whose are they, and why do they
have to be kept crisp?
I went to the novelty store to
pick up some things for tonight,
and I couldn't stop myself!
They had penis hats, glasses, socks.
But not all of it was dirty stuff.
They also had
these salt and pepper shakers
that were shaped like little mushrooms.
No. Wait.
I just realized something.
Ooh, I see
you got some
vagina-shaped pasta.
No, those are just shells.
I stopped by Howdy's.
That is not fair.
You're gonna have a crazy night
with the girls,
and for my first bachelor party,
I don't know exactly
what's gonna happen,
but I've heard the words "mocktails"
and "jigsaw puzzles,"
so I don't have a good feeling.
You should be proud
that your son isn't a pervert.
I mean, we might have made
some mistakes here and there,
but we were obviously classy
parents who made a good example.
(oven timer buzzes) Ooh!
My boner scones are ready.
Okay. That's the last word.
So the story is,
"I was 'bored'
"in my 'bored' hat and went to my...
"'boring' room, where I saw
"a 'bored' that was eating my
giant 'this sucks.'"
I don't think that even makes sense.
(knocking)
(groans)
(mumbles)
Oh, hi, Tyler.
Hey, I think you got the wrong house.
We didn't order any pizzas tonight.
I'm not here on pizza business.
I'm a videographer.
That's why I brought my assistants,
my son and his friend,
who was unfortunate enough
to be sleeping over tonight.
The pizzas are our dinner
since the gentleman who hired us
refused to provide food.
It's a job, man, not a buffet.
Frank, this doesn't need to be recorded.
You could say that about every single
Matthew McConaughey movie ever made,
but that didn't stop Hollywood,
and it won't stop us.
You're all going down.
Though I guess that is kind
of the point of the game.
Bitches, you don't stand a chance.
I have low self-esteem
and I'm hungry.
I haven't paid
a speeding ticket since 1962.
You're about to see why.
Okay. On the count of three.
One,
two...
(doorbell rings)
Stripper time!
Somebody order a pizza?
Sabrina, we didn't order a...
...a stripper.
That's a real pizza guy.
Please don't judge.
I get free pizza
and I sit in a car all night.
Oh! Ah. I found
the corner piece.
BURT: This is a bachelor party.
I want to go in the bathroom
and find a tiger.
I want to get punched
in the face by Mike Tyson.
I want to wake up on the roof
of a Las Vegas hotel.
Like that movie The Hangover.
Didn't see it.
JIMMY: This is
a low-key night-- we're not
gonna have that kind of party.
You can turn off the camera.
Nothing crazy is gonna happen.
(knocking)
Are you open?
(knocking)
Anyone there?
Are you open?
Hello?
It's an emergency.
I can't eat my oatmeal without raisins!
(sobs)
What the hell happened?
(bleating)
'Sup?
(chittering)
Oh, geez.
Oh, boy.
Oh, God.
Top of the mornin'.
Last night was wild.
I'm not sure who remembers what,
but don't worry,
Tyler and the kids
captured the whole thing.
They're editing it as we speak.
'Sup, drunk white people.
You can turn the cameras off.
Nothing crazy is gonna happen.
It's go time.
MEN (chanting): Jimmy! Jimmy!
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!
What in tarnation?
(chanting): Jimmy! Jimmy!
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!
Say hello to the boys
of Theta Delta Sigma,
the hardest partying fraternity
Natesville Vocational School
has to offer.
(barking)
FRANK:
I invited them to help
give you the best night of your life.
Frat guys? Kegs of beer?
And a free slice of pizza
from two generous young...
Ow. I'll eat chips.
But it's still gonna be a great night!
Frank, I said I didn't want a big party!
I heard your words,
but as your BFF--
best friend Frank--
I also heard your thoughts.
Frank!
Stop this! Stop this!
(grunting)
(men barking)
(Jimmy shouting)
♪
♪
(indistinct chatter)
Barney Hughes,
requesting permission to re-pledge.
Uh,
re-pledge?
Well,
22 years ago I pledged your fraternity
when I was at Natesville State.
I made it all the way to when
I had to swallow the goldfish.
But... I chewed.
I chewed.
Gross, dude.
Animal cruelty isn't cool.
But if you want the honor
of calling yourself a T-Delt,
just run full-speed
into that tree.
(grunts)
(men groan over video)
Porno! Porno! Porno!
JIMMY:
Whoa! Frank,
we can't watch porn
back here, all right?
Neighbors can see it.
Then they'll get ideas and come over.
With wine coolers.
Remind me to tell you that story.
It's not porn.
Aw!
FRANK: Look,
it's no secret your fiancee and I
don't get along.
So I just want to make sure
you have a clear picture
of the woman
you're going to call your wife.
(men groan)
Deal-breaker!
(high-pitched flatulence)
MEN (chanting): Girls don't fart!
Girls don't fart!
FRANK: You think that's (chuckles)
disgusting, check out
what she's gonna look like in 30 years.
(men groan)
FRANK: For lack of a stronger vocabulary,
she looks like human diarrhea.
JIMMY:
What can I say, Frank?
I'm in love.
All right, looks like
he still wants to do it.
On to phase two.
I was hoping you would change
your mind about this
stupid marriage if we caught Sabrina
cheating on you, but unfortunately,
her party was pretty lame.
♪ ♪
Honey! He's home!
(muffled shouting)
Are you okay?
Oh, my God, did that hurt!
♪ ♪
Why does your stripper look like Brian,
the chubby kid I went
to high school with?
Hey. Jimmy Chance.
Long time.
(chuckles)
Quit staring, Jimmy!
You're making this awkward!
Ah. Aw, keg's dead!
(all groan)
Wh-Where we gonna get beer
this time of night?
I have keys to a grocery store!
(all cheer)
MEN (chanting): Old pledge! Old pledge!
Old pledge! Old pledge!
Old pledge! Old pledge!
Old pledge!
It's all for us!
Take it all!
Whoo!
(bleating)
(chuckling)
(chittering)
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
(men cheer)
FRANK: Everyone was having a good time,
but I had a job to do.
Pull!
Since none of my plans
to stop this wedding
were working,
I had to go to my last resort.
Check this out.
Mmm.
My sister's old wedding dress.
(chuckles)
We should have a fake wedding.
It'll be hilarious.
To the happy couple!
(groans)
(all cheering)
Frank, do you take Jimmy to be
your lawfully wedded partner?
I do.
(chuckles)
DANCIN' DAN:
And, Jimmy,
do you take Frank to be
your lawfully wedded partner?
I do.
I always imagined
this would happen in Vegas
in a little wedding chapel
while we're being chased
by this little Asian guy.
You mean like in The Hangover?
Has everyone seen this movie except me?
I now pronounce you husbands for life.
Whoo!
(all cheering)
MEN:
Married! Married!
Married! Married! Married!
FRANK: And in case you're
wondering if it's legal,
here's our marriage license.
Hey, Jimmy.
The egg delivery guy is here,
and I can't find Barney.
Can you sign for it?
Yeah.
We're gonna need a witness to
prove Jimmy signed for the eggs.
Yeah.
So... sorry, Sabrina.
You can't marry Jimmy anymore
because he's already taken.
(laughs)
(grunting)
Open the damn door, you little freak!
Oh, the ex.
This is uncomfortable.
You listen to me.
Oh, my God.
(sighs)
I forgot.
You have this whole weird town
and all those creepy dolls.
They're not dolls, they're action figures.
You better fix this, Frank,
because you are not
messing up my wedding!
I'm sorry, but if I let you guys
get married,
it'll mess up the plans
I made for Jimmy and I.
I mapped out a whole
future for us. Look.
First, I thought
we could learn how to surf
and show off our ripped bods
to the chicks at the beach.
Then, with your artistic talent
and my love of frigid temperatures,
I thought we could become
professional ice sculptors.
Then, in the off-season,
figured we could go to Spain
and run with the bulls.
Just because Jimmy and I
are getting married
doesn't mean you guys can't
do all that cool stuff together.
Seriously?
Awesome.
I've got a lot of other ideas, too.
I'll be right back.
(quietly):
What are you doing?
I don't want to go surfing with Frank.
I'm afraid of sharks
and jellyfish and sea lions.
I don't think sea lions
are what you think they are.
They're the kings of the ocean, right?
No, not really.
Look, we are dealing
with a mental patient here.
We just have to tell him
exactly what he wants to hear,
and then he'll give you the divorce,
and then we can go get married.
FRANK:
We are going to have
so much fun.
How familiar are you
with the game I just invented
called unicycle lacrosse?
Yeah.
Listen, I'm at a client's house.
I can't discuss this right now.
Well, I don't think you should
wear a bow tie to the meeting.
Sorry about that.
Trouble with another client.
Sorry I'm late.
I was having trouble with my lawyer.
Wait.
You're representing him, too?
Oh, I'm afraid that's
attorney-client privilege.
But since you're also my client,
I think I can say yes.
An unusual tactic.
I want to see where this goes.
But be warned, counselor.
You're on a short leash.
(whispering):
Law and Order.
WALLY:
Okay.
Before my client
signs these divorce papers,
he's requested that you sign
a postnuptial agreement.
Which my client has full right
to refuse to sign.
You'll sign, or we'll see you in court.
"I, Jimmy Chance,
"promise to build birdhouses
with Frank Marolla,
"go on a hot air balloon ride,
"do monthly mole check.
"If I should fail
to fulfill these duties,
"I hereby relinquish the rights
to my van
"and custody of my daughter,
what's-her-name,
"who will then "be raised by Frank
"and immediately renamed
She-Frank."
I'm not signing this.
Well, why not?
It's just all the things
you promised we'd do together.
Because I don't want
to do any of that stuff, Frank.
I just want to marry the girl
I love, and if you were
a real friend, you'd understand that.
Great point, Jimmy.
Frank, how could you let him
say that to you?
I knew this was a mistake.
Never should have agreed
to this stupid meeting.
This is far from over!
I think we're in pretty good shape.
This is crazy.
Right? I've
got to be able
to get a divorce without him.
You get him to sign it,
and it'll be quick and easy.
But if not, and his lawyer
gets wind of this,
which he just did,
then they can really drag this out.
Which I fully intend to do.
What if someone cuts Frank's brake lines
and he died in a fiery car crash?
I'm spit-balling here.
If anybody's got a better idea
how to kill Frank and get away with it,
the floor is yours.
Wait a minute.
If he wants to be married to Jimmy,
maybe we should see
if he really wants
to be married to Jimmy.
That's a great idea.
Jimmy should pressure him
for sex constantly.
He'll enjoy it
for the first couple of months,
but eventually,
it'll just turn into a chore.
VIRGINIA: No, I'm not saying they should
conjugate the marriage, Burt.
I just think Frank should see
what it's really like spending
all his time with Jimmy.
(phone ringing)
Wally Phipps.
Oh. You were brilliant,
and that bow tie did look great.
(laughs)
Oh, those Chances don't
have a chance of winning.
Yeah.
I don't have a fancy pun for "Frank,"
but we're gonna destroy him.
Oh, wait.
I'm speaking to you frankly.
(laughs)
Nailed it.
All right, Frank thinks
spending all his time
with Jimmy would be great.
But what he doesn't know is what
a pain in the ass you are.
What are you talking about?
You've got some annoying habits.
Like when you sing in the shower.
JIMMY (off-key):
♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪
♪ All the livelong day ♪
♪ I've been working
on the railroad ♪
♪ Just to pass the time... ♪
(toilet flushing)
(screaming)
SABRINA:
And when you're irritated,
you do a play-by-play
of your every move.
Oh, great, you ate
the last of the cookies.
Now I've got to pick up the plate,
walk back to the kitchen,
put the plate in the sink.
(glass breaking)
Pick up the broken pieces.
Ah, God!
Cut my finger.
Now I've got to look
for a Band-Aid.
And, of course,
there are none in the drawer.
But I found some cookies.
Walking back into the living room.
And I'm sitting back down.
Only to see you drank
the last of the milk.
Getting up again...
BURT:
It drives me crazy
when you only drink half of every soda.
Jimmy!
Without the bubbles,
my tongue gets the flavor,
but my nose doesn't get the tickle.
Puts my whole face out of whack.
I mean, these are all just bad habits.
I mean, look, somebody could
have just said something.
That's annoying, too.
How you always make everything
our fault.
Totally.
Oh, yeah.
All right, fine.
I'm annoying.
I'll just go and get Frank
to divorce me by being myself.
And I'm headed to the door.
I'm grabbing my jacket.
Ugh!
Looking for my shoes.
Ugh.
Looking...
The first thing I had to do
was go to Frank's and make him believe
I was really moving in.
Jimmy?
(loudly): Okay.
Fine. You know what?! It's over!
Whoa. What
happened there?
What can I say, Frank? Bitches.
Does your offer still stand
to live here?
Are you kidding?
Our monogrammed towels
got here this morning.
Of course it still stands.
Make yourself at home, hubby.
JIMMY: First, I tried
annoying him in the bathroom.
JIMMY (off-key):
♪ Someone's in the kitchen, I know ♪
♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah ♪
♪ Strummin' on the old banjo ♪
FRANK: ♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-ay ♪
♪ Fee, fie,
fiddly-i-o ♪
♪ Fee, fie, fiddly-i-ay ♪
♪ Strummin' on the old banjo. ♪
JIMMY: Then I tried annoying
him in the kitchen.
Awesome. I always said the
problem with soda is that
it's too bubbly, and there's
too much of it in each can.
JIMMY: Some things I didn't
even get a chance to try.
What are you doing in there?
JIMMY: I'm looking for a glass.
What about now?
Rinsing the glass out.
And now?
Still rinsing.
Gonna be a couple minutes.
You want some company?
JIMMY: Turns out Frank was so happy
to have someone in his life,
he didn't care what I did.
And that actually made being
married to him kind of fun.
(knocking)
BURT: Psst! Jimmy!
It's been three days.
What's the holdup?
Leave me alone.
All right, I'm working on it.
Work faster. We got sick
of explaining where you were,
so we told Hope you were mad at her.
The longer this goes on,
the worse that decision looks.
Maybe it's time
to tell Frank to take a drive.
You know,
down a long road, by a steep cliff.
What? I'm just kidding.
What? I didn't cut
his brake lines.
FRANK:
Jimmy, your sardines are ready.
I'll be right there!
Busting out the big guns, huh?
I forgot how you like
to eat those stinky sardines.
He's gonna hate that.
Yeah, he does hate it,
but you know what?
He doesn't just secretly
judge me for my annoying habits
like the rest of you.
He loves me for who I am.
There's no way he loves you, Jimmy.
You're going to wind up living
in a cage in the basement, I feel it.
JIMMY: Frank is a
wonderful person.
He doesn't yell at me for
leaving my towel on the floor,
or complain that I'm a horrible singer.
No. He harmonizes
and brings me on-key.
And if that isn't a metaphor,
I don't know what is.
I'm serious. I don't know
what a metaphor is.
Frank wouldn't judge me for that.
(sighs)
Jimmy,
I just wanted to say
that these last few days
have been better
than I could have ever imagined.
(sighs)
I've never really had
a relationship before,
and every moment with you
has been a revelation.
I know exactly how you feel.
I've never felt so
accepted for who I am.
Me, neither.
Mmm.
(sighs)
But here's the thing.
I think I might rather try it
with a girl.
A girl?
Yeah, you know, for the sex part.
So, you're breaking up with me?
Just like that?
But there's so much stuff
that I wanted us to do together.
Well, we can still be friends, Jimmy.
It's not like
we'll never see each other.
We'll always have Howdy's.
Let me drive you home.
Whoa! Frank, no!
Um, let's walk.
I mean, it's beautiful out.
Sabrina cut my brakes, didn't she?
Yeah, probably.
That's a damn fine woman
you got there, Jimmy.
Damn fine.
So, the next day,
Frank and I called Wally
and got a divorce.
But not before
I added a post-nup
to make sure we'd always stay friends.
I now pronounce you
ex-husband and ex-wife.
You may now kiss your fiancée.
FRANK: When I finally find the one,
I hope you'll at least
consider swapping.