Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 12 - Lord of the Ring - full transcript

So, let's take a look at what's
going on around the country.

You know what?

Just bear with me while I
take off these annoying pants.

Looks like Scotch Wilkinson
had a liquid lunch again.

Another hurricane is headed
for the tropics.

Maybe they'll name this one
after my ex-wife.

Call it Hurricane Bi...

If you're gonna spend

two months' salary on a ring,

you want to blow your girl's mind.

You know what really
makes my head explode?



The way society
has conditioned women to base

their self-worth on their
engagement ring. I mean,

I'm a free-thinking woman.
I'm not one of Pavlov's dogs.

Ooh, cookies are ready.

You're not buying any of that

"I don't want a ring" stuff, are you?

No, I think that's really how she feels.

I know I haven't given you
a lot of fatherly advice,

but I can't let you make this mistake.

You got to buy Sabrina
an engagement ring.

Whoa, but they are so expensive.

You have to do whatever it takes.

I busted my butt doing extra
work for your mother's ring.

What kind of work?



Extra work.

T.J. Hooker was
filming in town.

They paid me 50 bucks
a day to lay in a creek

full of small but very angry turtles.

It was awful.

Two things I learned:

Captain Kirk cannot remember his lines

and he is not a hugger.

But it doesn't matter.

It was worth it.

Your mother loves that ring.

Maybe you're right.

Of course he's right.

A nice diamond ring gives you
something pretty to focus on

when your fat, sweaty husband's
wheezing on top of you

like a dying walrus.

Whoo!

That never gets old.

I was telling Jimmy
how hard I worked for your...

Hey, where's your engagement ring?

Oh, I always take it off
when I wash the dishes.

It's probably by the sink.

You're gonna go get it, right?

I'll grab it in the morning.

I never wear it at night.
But it'd be

safer in your jewelry box.

I'll go get it.
No, I'll get it.

I...

It's not there.
But I just remembered

that we're about to clean
a really nasty house last week,

so I left it in Rosa's car.

Big Judy.

I need my ring back.

Burt saw I wasn't wearing it.

Oh, you poor baby.

I've pawned this thing, like,
50 times and he's never noticed.

Stupid Jimmy and his engagement.

So, do you think I could
possibly, just this once,

get the ring from you today

and then I'll pay you on Friday
when I get my check?

I can do a lot of things.

I can carry a refrigerator on my back.

I can recite pi up to 20 digits.

And I'm a hell of a ventriloquist.

But I can't give you
your ring back early.

Oh, come on.
You know I'm good for it.

Sorry.

I'm a businesswoman,

Virginia.

When you bring me my money,
I'll give you your ring.

The fertility clinic is paying
50 bucks for every donation.

Nothing says romance
like buying your fiancée a ring

with money you earned by
knocking up dozens of lesbians.

Did you find the ring?

I did one better.

I found

your favorite...

double-battered onion rings!

Oh, my God.

You lost your engagement ring.

Calm down.

Look, I take it off

all the time. It'll turn up.

I guarantee you

I will find that ring by Friday.

I can't just sit around here and wait.

I went through a lot
to get you that ring.

I got hepatitis C from one
of those T.J. Hooker turtles.

We need to start retracing your steps.

You've been on this couch, right?

I found it.

The ring?

No. A position I'm

qualified for: Psychological

and Medical Research Guinea Pig.

Look at this cute cartoon
of a patient on a gurney

with dollar signs for eyes.
That could be me!

Okay, Mr. Chance.

And which of these flowers

do you find prettier?

That one?

Okay. I think we're

all about done here.

I'll be right back with your check.

Okay,

let's get started here.

Why are you naked?

Because you told me to get naked.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

And then you shocked me.

A lot.

Hubert, stop stealing my white
coats and scaring people.

I'm sorry.

This is my brother. He's
supposed to be staying in my car

while I work.
I'm not

supposed to be staying in your car.

You're supposed to be staying in my car.

I'm the doctor.

Jimmy, which one of
us is the real doctor?

I don't know.

Hmm. Interesting.
Hmm. Interesting.

Come on, Burt.

You can't tear apart the whole house.

I need to take a shower.

The ring could be in here, Virginia.

Just let me look.

Babe, we need our bathroom back.

My 86-year-old grandmother's
outside peeing

in the neighbors' bushes.

One thing has nothing to do
with the other, Virginia,

and you know it.

This is insane.

We can't tear apart the whole house.

When the Bronsteins bring over
their tomatoes this year,

they go straight in the garbage.

Burt, please don't drive
yourself crazy over this.

I promise you the ring will turn up.

I'll take this one.

You got to be kidding me.

800 bucks?

I mean, that's too much.

Can't you cut me a deal?

Nope. That's one
of my top earners.

I've bought and sold that from
the same person over 20 times.

Who'd be stupid enough to keep
buying the same ring?

I can't tell you that.

When I became a member of

the Pawnshop Owners Association,

I took an oath of confidentiality.

I could lose my license.

All I can say is

you couldn't get me to tell you

if you dragged me from here to Virginia.

Not a chance.

You hear what I'm saying to you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't help me.

You don't have to be a jerk about it.

Hey. Is your
mom home?

I'm dying to know if she found her ring.

I haven't seen her.

Well, I guess I'll work out.

Get rid of some of this nervous energy.

What's going on there?
Oh, I didn't

make enough money from the shock tests

to pay for the ring, so I got
to do some more experiments.

It's actually really important work,

and I'm gonna be able to help people.

I'm getting paid to test

this new anti-seizure
mouth spray.

But you don't get seizures.
Well,

apparently seizures are
a side effect for these pills

that I'm also being paid to take.

You really took my advice
and went for it.

I'm proud of you.

Look at you.

Doing whatever it takes!

Hello?

You better collect some cash

and get your butt down here.

Somebody is interested
in buying your ring.

Who?
Now, you know I can't tell you that.

You may think I'm a son...

of a bitch,

but there's no way you can

jimmy the information out of me.

You see where I'm going with this?

Of course. I'm not dumb.

You're not gonna help me.

I wouldn't risk
someone else buying that ring.

I had to do whatever it took
to get it back.

That meant getting
in and out of the house

without anyone noticing.

Works fast.

Tastes minty.

Come on, those candlesticks
got to be enough.

Not quite.

That is a rare director's cut
edition of Cujo

on VHS.

It's only 20 minutes long.
I guess he didn't

think much of the dog's performance.

Someone definitely is gonna
want to buy 20 minutes of Cujo.

What else you got?

That thing work?

It gets hot.

Hot is good.

You got a deal.

Burt, what happened?

We got robbed, Virginia.

Somebody came

into this house.

Took several odds and ends.

Bastards even got some knickknacks.

Like what?

So far we know they got our toaster,

our copy of Cujo,
and Maw Maw's candlesticks.

How could you even notice

that stuff was gone?
How could I not?

They're all part of my workout routine.

I like to start my workout
with some air-drumming.

And then when I'm loose,

I usually up the weight
with Maw Maw's candlesticks.

But today the candlesticks were gone.

So I decided to skip my drumming

and go straight to my bicep curls.

Normally, I use the toaster
as a flex mirror

when I do my soup and sauce curls.

But today I couldn't find
the toaster anywhere.

And I couldn't use the bathroom mirror

because I didn't think
of that until just now.

So I decided to move straight
to my TV squats.

I keep track of my reps by
reading off the names of tapes.

Children of the Corn.

Halloween.

I arrange them by the ferocity
of the killer.

Friday the 13th.

And today, when I got

to Cujo and it wasn't there,

I realized the candlesticks
and the toaster

weren't just missing...

We got robbed!

We got robbed!

I heard you the first time.

Oh! There you are!

Hello, Ross.

Hello, sweet Virginia.

Is this really necessary?

That stuff was only
worth $78.25.

Um... or so.

Now, normally we don't dust
for prints on stolen VHS tapes,

but since it's you, I did.

Plus, I dusted the whole house
because it needed it.

I'm the kind of guy who's not
afraid to do household chores.

The little guy's been awesome.

I never saw Kindergarten Cop,

but I assume this is what he was like.

Oh, I'm just getting warmed up.

Once the judge gets out
of his Zumba class,

I'm gonna get him to sign some warrants

so that we can search local pawnshops.

I'm gonna go see if there's
anything else missing.

I counted 17 pairs
of underwear in your drawer.

If it should be more, let me know.

Big Judy, I need all my stuff back.

Here. Take the ring.

Girl, you lose this ring
more than Bilbo Baggins.

Oh...

Maw Maw must have put them in there.

She's always doing something crazy.

I agree.

That old lady's a nut.

Every time I go in the bathroom,

I catch her above the sink

trying to copy everything I do.

Case...

closed.

Unless you guys want to look around,

make sure nothing else is missing.

Virginia's engagement ring is missing.

Missing? Or deliberately hidden

because there's a little
trouble in paradise?

There's no trouble, Ross.
It's just missing.

But we don't know that.

I mean, originally you said

you left it by the kitchen sink.

Maybe you did,

and somebody came in here and took it!

I'm gonna go hit the local pawnshops.

My phone has an app that lets me
know where they all are.

That's a picture of you
in your underpants

on a fur rug.
What?

Oh...

That's peculiar.

How'd that get there?

What the hell?

What the hell?

What are you doing?

Were you stealing that painting?

I am not stealing it.

I am borrowing it to pawn

so I can get my engagement ring back.

I already took all the good stuff

out of my house and it backfired.

What are you doing?

If you must know,

my family has a little bit
of a body hair issue.

And believe me, this is nothing.

I got an aunt that looks like Borat.

You get weirder and weirder every week.

Does Jimmy know about this?

No, of course not.

Good, so here's the deal:

you let me pawn this stuff
and Jimmy never finds out

that he's marrying
into the Sasquatch family.

Fine.

Clay Aiken!

Hey, Sabrina.

You bring some hair to sell?

Uh... not-not today.

Don't need it.

This has to be worth enough
to get my ring back

because these are real fake breasts.
Mm-hmm.

I'll give you $200 for these.

Yes!
But it doesn't matter

'cause somebody done came
and bought your ring.

What? No!
That can't be true.

It's the exact cut and clarity

of the kidney stone I passed in 2008.

Someday, some lucky girl is
gonna get my wiener diamond.

How are you gonna give it to her?

Well, I was thinking about
getting down on one knee

and then slowly opening the box.

Dude, that is the missionary
position of proposals.

You gotta do better than that.

You're right.

I can't just hand it
to her. That's lame.

Well, luckily for you,

I've spent a lot of time
thinking of cool ways

to propose to Sabrina.

Three of them can be done in this store.

Do you know any members
of the band "The Knack"?

And would Sabrina be willing to

change her name to "Sharona"?
No.

All right, two of them
can be done in this store.

Okay.

One more glass of wine

and then I'll have
the courage to tell Burt

I lost my engagement ring.

First of all, that's tequila.

Here's an idea.

You think Burt would notice if we got

a ring that kind of looked like yours?

Of course not, he's a guy.

They can identify our
nipples from 40 feet away

through a wool sweater,

but they have no idea
what our rings look like.

So why not try this?

Because I'll know.

Oh, I love that ring.

Burt worked so hard to get it.

And it's always been there for me,

whether I needed to look at it

to remind myself how much he loved me...

...or pawn it to pay for groceries.

Oh, I can't believe it's gone.

Oh.

I was sure it was safe to pawn

because it's so cheap
and dinged up, I...

and I knew no one else
would ever want it.

That's sweet.

I mean, it's not
just a ring; it...

kind of represents your marriage.

Why? Because no one
would ever want it?

No, no, just the opposite.

All I want is a marriage like yours.

One of the reasons I
fell in love with Jimmy

is the possibility of getting that.

That's why you fell in love with him?

Because Burt and I have never been able

to figure that one out.

Hey! There you are.

Uh, Sabrina,

would you do me the honor

of reaching your hand into this barrel

and grasping a pickle?

No, old people are always sticking

their wrinkly hands
in there. It's gross.

Listen.

I was just with your mother

and I realized that an engagement ring

is more than just metal and a stone.

I know what I said before,

but if you got me one,

I wouldn't complain.

Oh.

Hey!

Ow!

What the hell?

Congratulations!

I'm sorry, I'm gonna
need that ring back.

Where's Sabrina?

I can't give her this ring, Frank.

Why n...

Why not?

Because when she didn't want a ring,

this dinky little thing
would have been fine.

It's better than nothing.

But now that she actually wants a ring,

I'm gonna have to do better than this.

Excuse me.

Hey, Big Judy,

I have to sell this ring back.

Busted, dirtbag!

I mean, "Busted, dirtbag!"

You're under arrest for
trafficking in stolen property.

What?

Oh, no...
this is all my fault.

That's what I was hoping.

Don't worry; once you're
in jail with your son,

I'll be here to comfort Virginia.

I didn't break any laws.

I just told Jimmy to do
whatever it takes to get a ring.

I bet Virginia really did
leave hers in the kitchen

and Jimmy grabbed it.

And then to cover his tracks,

he lied about doing medical testing.

Oh, that boy may not be
good at a lot of things,

but he sure can fake a seizure.

Maybe that'll help him in prison.

Bail is set for $500.

That's a lot of lettuce.
Street talk for "cash."

Where the hell am I gonna
get that kind of scratch?

What's "scratch"?

I need to pawn this.

You white folks and high cholesterol

are gonna be the end of me.

How many times do I have to tell
you I didn't steal the ring?

I paid for it with my
medical research money.

Well, hopefully they were
looking for a cure for lying!

This is crazy!

Burt...

I have to tell you something terrible.

It's really, really bad.

Virginia, hey.
I found your ring.

How did you...?
Well, I was at the new house

and I just found it underneath a chair.

Oh, my God, that's so great!

Oh, but I have to go talk to Jimmy.

Oh, what was the terrible news
you wanted to tell me?

I... heard an awful tabloid
rumor about John Travolta,

but it's probably better
if you don't hear it.

Say no more.
La-la-la-la-la...

How did you get this?

Big Judy told me somebody returned it.

I've been taking her ventriloquism class

down at the community center.

I'm getting pretty good.

Dad, it's okay.

No, it's not.

I should have believed you when
you said you didn't steal it.

I don't want to think about
what happened to you in prison.

I was on a bench at the police station.

They gave me a sandwich.
Turkey.

Don't try and spare my feelings, Jimmy.

I don't deserve it.

Tomorrow, you and I
are gonna go down to that lab

and do whatever tests they have.

I'll never be able to get you
your innocence back,

but I can at least help you get
the money for another ring.

You don't have to do this, Dad.

No, I want to.

I'm not scared of a
little scientific testing.

Think we'll actually feel

our testicles recede into our abdomens?

Well, the pamphlet says

it would feel like two hot air balloons

floating up into the sky.

I think I'm gonna go into the bathroom,

say good-bye to them
one more time.

You know, wish them a safe trip

in case I don't see them for a while.

Godspeed, Heckle and Schmekel.

Jimmy...

I've been thinking.

I want you to give my ring to Sabrina.

Well, you can't do that.

It's your ring.

So, now it'll be a family ring.

I want to pass it down to you.

And someday, you can pass it on to Hope.

That's more special
than any ring you can buy.

And I happen to know

that this is exactly the kind
of ring Sabrina wants.

Thanks, Mom. That's sweet.

Oh, I'm glad you caught me
before I took those pills.

Hey, why are you guys hugging?

Usually, when you get advice
from a lot of different people,

they can't all be right.

Oh...

But this time they were.

Dad was right that Sabrina

really wanted an engagement ring.

Burt was right that how you present
the ring is as important as the ring itself.

And Mom was right about
how much Sabrina would like

getting her ring.

And it turns out those guys
at the medical lab

were right about those side effects.

How far up do you think they went?

Ah... Oh...

Right about here.