Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 1 - Not Indecent, But Not Quite Decent Enough Proposal - full transcript
The chances meet Sabrina's family.
JIMMY: Living in an old house
has its challenges.
Like how the water
won't run
while the washing machine
is on its rinse cycle.
Spin cycle!
JIMMY: And the air conditioner
won't kick on
unless the thermostat
inks it's 125 degrees.
Ow, it's burning
my thumb.
Just power
through it.
JIMMY: Or having to learn
the combination
to open the front door
that sticks.
Hurry.
I'm trying.
It's push, twist left,
pull, twist right,
lift and open, right?
No, no, no,
that's the back door!
The front door is twist left,
pull, twist right, lift, stomp.
JIMMY: But that's just part
of living in an old house.
And the longer
you live there,
the more it all
just becomes normal.
(shrieks)
I'm waiting
for the spin cycle.
I think this
is the first time
I've ever seen
your meat whistle, Burt.
I believe
that's true.
Not a fan.
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh,
♪ Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Birth control, no, no, no ♪
♪ Let it roll, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh! ♪
Raising Hope
S03 Ep01 - Not Indecent, but Not Quite...
Hey...
We are so, so, very, very,
very sorry for your loss.
Thanks for using
your funeral voice,
but nobody really cared
for my grandmother.
Well, we wanted
to be here for you.
And Jimmy said
there might be shrimp?
Help yourself.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Oh, you brought Maw Maw.
Where's the body?
Oh, it's
in the kitchen.
She was worried people wouldn't
pay their respects up-close,
so she surrounded herself
with the buffet.
Good idea.
You, at my funeral,
fill my bellybutton
with ranch dressing,
so people will have to dip
their carrot sticks in there.
I'm gonna write
that down.
Okay.
Is your mother here yet?
She's around here somewhere.
Give me something
to talk to her about.
Talk about her.
She's a big fan.
She went to India
and she picked up yoga.
Yoga? I don't know
anything about yoga.
Did she pick up
anything else in India?
Diarrhea.
Okay. Good.
I've got a strong five
minutes on diarrhea.
Make sure you bury me
in a dress like this.
It looks custom-made.
I'll try to find you
one kinda like it.
Not kinda like it.
Just like it.
And don't forget to wrap
my head in tin foil
so worms don't get in.
Yeah, I already told you
I'm not doing that.
It's weird and it's
a waste of foil.
I'm not taping one
of your eyes open either.
Oh, come on,
that'll be hilarious.
Mm...
Mom, this is
my boyfriend Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is my mother,
who is so self-involved that,
though I have now
said your name twice,
I bet she has no
idea what it is.
Jimmy.
Still doesn't.
Let's not do this.
Not today.
Your grandmother is dead.
We should be celebrating.
I may not have been
the perfect mother,
but I was a hell of a lot better
to you than Nana was to me.
That woman once
elbowed me in the nose
because I was talking
during Wimbledon.
When you were 12,
did Nana leave you
alone for a weekend
so she could fly to Vegas
with her boyfriend?
Hey, you don't
know Richard Dawson
because he's dead now,
but he used to be a big deal.
So, India.
I hear that place can be
a real bummer on the tummy.
Is my daughter dating
you to hurt me?
I hope not.
Right before I die,
I want to be frozen
so they can bring me back
after they discover the cure
for whatever disease I had.
And, of course, the cure
for being frozen to death.
Frozen, huh?
What do they call that?
Cryogenics.
I thought cryogenics
was a religion.
No, no, no, you're
thinking of Science-ology.
It's that religion
that writer started.
L... more Leonard.
BURT: And they use their
science to freeze you
and bring you
back to life, huh?
We should look into that.
Guys, I think the
conversation may have taken
a wrong turn somewhere.
If everybody could come
to the living room,
my grandmother had a video
she made before she died,
she wanted everyone to watch.
(all groan)
Yeah, she didn't think
anybody was gonna want
to do that either, so she put a
chocolate fountain in there.
Hmm, chocolate fountain.
That's a great idea.
Come on.
Hm!
Hello, everyone.
In case you're shedding
any tears for me,
please don't.
By the time you see this,
I'm going to be in Heaven
getting plowed
by my dead husband.
When he sees me wearing
his favorite dress,
I'm going to knock his halo off.
I guess some of you
are curious as to what
I'm going to do with my money.
Hello, Tamara.
Now, how would I know that
you would be in the most
comfortable chair?
Because I know you
like the back of my hand.
You're a spoiled brat.
You have no respect
for marriage or money
and because of tt,
you get nothing.
I hate you.
I hate you, too.
All of the cash
I have will be donated
to a non-profit organization
dedicated to getting rid
of non-profit organizations.
The only thing left
is this house.
And I've decided to give it
to the only relative
who hasn't broken my heart
by getting a divorce:
Sabrina.
As soon as
you get married,
you can move in
and start a family.
Rest in peace, sweetheart.
See you
on the other side.
SABRINA: I don't know why
we can't talk about this!
Just stop it!
Jimmy, you saw that house.
The sooner you two are married,
the sooner we can all move in.
(Sabrina laughs)
That sounded a little like
you think you're
gonna live there, too.
Uh, yeah.
Jimmy lived here
for 25 years.
He owes us.
This isn't your house.
It's Maw Maw's.
Shh!
And I would like
to live in it alone
just once, before I die.
So hurry up and ask that
long-haired pretty boy
to marry you before the
Republicans get back in office
and make it a sin.
Maw Maw, I'm not telling you
this again: I'm a woman.
And I'm not telling
you this again:
Show me your vagina
and I'll believe you.
No!
Burt showed me his.
I know that sounded like
I have a vagina.
I don't.
She's referring to...
I was peeing the other day...
I'll explain later.
Now, look, since
they brought it up,
it is a nice house,
and I mean, it's not like
we never talked about...
No, no, no, no, Jimmy.
No.
Listen, my whole life
I've had to worry about people
liking me for my
family's money.
Look, you fell in love with me
for who I really am.
I don't some stupid house
to be the reason we got engaged.
Then it won't be the reason.
You guys are
being selfish.
What about Hope?
She'd be in a better
school district.
You really want her going to
the same schools Jimmy went to?
Mom, my schools
weren't not that bad.
Name four consonants.
America, Europe, Mexico,
and the North Pole.
Is that right?
I don't know. I went
to the same schools.
Mom, just drop it, okay?
I didn't even think
about the schools.
SABRINA:
I mean, it's good.
It's where I went.
It's not like I never thought
about us getting married.
So...
I guess we should
get married?
It seems to make sense.
Did we just get engaged?
I think we did, yeah.
Burt, go get the champagne
I was saving for when Oprah
comes crawling
back to network TV.
I mean, you want
to do this, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
totally I do.
Um, I think there's just...
I guess when I dreamt about
the man that I loved
proposing to me,
I think I might have thought
I would feel something
that I'd never felt
before, but you know,
it's just the house
and I-I don't know...
At least you're getting
married for a house.
When she got married, all she
got was a ten-pound baby
with a two-pound nose.
Jimmy, you know what?
All that really matters
is that I love you.
No.
No, I want you to feel
like you always dreamed
you would feel
when you got engaged.
I can do better.
I-I take back my proposal.
No, Jimmy, really it's fine.
Please, let me try again.
I want to do this right.
Okay. Fine.
We're no longer engaged.
Thanks.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Oh!
They're not
engaged anymore.
Seriously?
Well, help me find the cork.
JIMMY: The first step was to
find out what kind of proposal
Sabrina had always
dreamed up without asking her.
Oh, and then
when we were 11,
she wanted it to be at a
surprise party surrounded
by friends and family.
She also thinks a Jumbo-tron
proposal'd be cool.
It's in her diary:
page 82.
Oh, and then she went through a
"guy on a white horse" phase
in high school, and that was
followed by a skywriting phase.
Her diary never mentions
horses or skywriting.
She does talk about
some creepy guy at work.
I think it's Chet.
Hey, Mom, check
out my profile page.
I finally got my new gal pal
to stand still
long enough for a photo.
So, what do you think?
I vote
for skywriting.
White horse.
Jumbo-tron.
VIRGINIA: What?
No way!
JIMMY:
I wanted it to be perfect
but she wanted so many
different things,
which was I supposed to do?
(all arguing)
I got it.
Good!
This was
beginning to bore me.
By the way, if you're going
with the white horse,
I think I can get
that for you.
We're talking
about heroin, right?
(singsongy): He's gonna
to ask you to marry him.
Maw Maw!
It's okay.
When you asked me to go bowling
but wear my nicest dress,
I kinda knew something was up.
Well, act surprised.
He's really looking
forward to this.
Oh, crap, I lost a meatball.
Virginia?
I'm looking.
VIRGINIA: This is why I told you
to go with the pork chop!
From now on, flat food
only in the car.
I don't know if I can
do this, Virginia.
What do you mean?
You already said yes.
This is just for fun.
Yeah, I know, but he wants me
to feel something
that I never felt
before and I just...
I don't think
that's going to happen.
Virginia.
I'm looking.
I know he that loves me
and he's not asking me
to marry him because of a house,
but there's no doubt
that he's asking me
right now because of a house.
I think my grandmother's
ruined this for me.
(groans)
Well, then you gotta fake it.
Mmm.
- What?
- Look...
sometimes they work
and work and work
and they want you to feel
something you never felt before,
and you know there is no way
you're ever gonna get there.
So... you fake it.
You do that?
I love Mike and Molly,
but Burt broke our VCR
killing a spider,
so if a show's getting
close and I'm not,
I just put on a little
performance of my own.
I faked it last night...
and I was by myself.
I blamed it
on the arthritis, but...
the truth is...
I just lost interest.
(sighs)
Okay.
Ready?
So, what do you say?
Will you marry me?
(gasps)
Yes, yeah!
Yeah, Jimmy!
Oh, my God, Jimmy!
Jimmy, I want to marry you!
I'm gonna marry you!
I'm gonna
marry you, yeah!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes, oh God, yes!
Yeah.
Wow...
Jimmy just proposed
the crap out of that girl.
I told you
I could do it.
Pop.
Whoo-hoo!
(champagne sloshing)
JIMMY: After almost three years
of being in love with Sabrina,
I couldn't believe
we were actually engaged.
And Sabrina's mom seemed
to be warming up to me.
Kind of.
Sabrina, Timmy...
- Jimmy.
- Jimmy.
In a lot of ways,
I don't think that you're
good enough for my daughter.
To Sabrina and Timmy.
Jimmy.
(laughs uncomfortably)
JIMMY:
Most importantly, Sabrina and I
were as happy
as we've ever been.
In lieu of words strung
together to form sentences,
I have prepared a slide show
to celebrate the life
of the bride and groom.
Okay...
those were supposed
to go by a lot faster.
(everyone laughs)
Look, it's Insane Clown Wussy.
(everyone laughing)
We all go through phases, Dad.
SABRINA:
Ha! Speaking of phases.
Hey, Mom, you
remember that summer?
I think that was the only summer
you had your old nose
and your new boobs.
I'm just saying,
I can't believe you got a
boob job before a nose job.
Your grandmother
did this to my nose.
I wanted her to see that it
did not affect my self-esteem.
But, in order for that to work,
I needed much bigger boobs.
Just stop coming on the boat
with me and my friends, okay?
No matter how big
your new boobs are,
the boys aren't going
to hook up with you.
You're old.
If the boat tips over,
those boys are gonna be
clinging to me for dear life.
And I am not old.
I can name every single
character on Laguna Beach.
Come on, man.
You're in my math class.
No, I'm not.
I'm that guy's father,
Burt Chance.
Go ahead,
ask me anything.
I memorized it all.
I'll take that beer.
But I hate
to drink alone.
Unless you think
I'm too old.
(squeaking)
What are you wearing?
I'm not sure.
I got most of this
at a yard sale.
I think it's like
a cool Goth back brace.
It's a corset.
Seriously?
Like, one of those
old-timey bras they wore
back when you were my age?
TAMARA:
Get the hell out of my car!
♪ Hana loka mu's
the word for bride ♪
♪ Noka Nu is how
you say groom ♪
♪ And when the Hana loka mu
meets the little Noka Nu ♪
♪ They have
a Takaniki honeymoon ♪
♪ I don't actually know
any Hawaiian ♪
♪ And I just made up
all those words ♪
♪ But let's a raise
a glass of booze ♪
♪ For the upcoming nuptials
and wish you ♪
♪ A Nakiliki Mekaliki Maki
Hoki Poo! ♪
(Hope giggles)
What are you doing?
Uh, your father
wanted to take a bath
and I lost
an earring in the...
Grown-up stuff.
We're doing grown-up stuff.
JIMMY:
Well...
don't get used
to this house
'cause I think just
blew it for all of us.
I made out
with Sabrina's mom.
Jimmy, do you know how
inappropriate that is?
The...
What is going
on in here?
Look...
you have got to get back
out there and act normal.
Act normal?
Are you kidding me?
You're gonna be my mother-in-law
and seven years ago,
we were making out
in the back of a car.
Just get it together.
I am trying to have a better
relationship with my daughter
and that is never gonna happen
if she finds out about this.
So, if anyone asks
what we were doing in here,
let's all just say cocaine.
My husband wasn't my first
choice, but back then
there was no way my parents
were going to let me marry
a Jewish guy or a black guy
or a... or an Asian guy.
I often wondered
what happened to Wang.
That was the black guy.
His nickname was Wang.
I don't know what to do.
I can't lie to Sabrina.
VIRGINIA:
Don't be an idiot.
You didn't know it was Sabrina's
mother when it happened.
It's seven years.
You probably don't even remember
what her fake boobs felt like.
- Do ya?
- Burt.
Oh, come on.
I got married at 17.
The closest I ever got
to a fake boob
was going up Kathy Conklin's
shirt and coming out
with a plastic baggy
full of mashed potatoes.
I have to assume
they've gotten better.
Jimmy, you would only
be telling Sabrina
what happened to make
yourself feel better.
BURT:
Think about Sabrina.
How is she going to ever
kiss you again
knowing you made out
with her mother? It's gross.
JIMMY: So I'm
supposed to go out there
and act normal for
the rest of the night?
For the rest of my life?
Yeah, fake it.
The way Sabrina totally
faked how happy she was
when you proposed tonight.
What?
She wasn't faking it.
Come on, she said your
name a bunch of times,
threw in a few "Oh Gods,"
did all your mother's
Monday night moves.
Wha...? I didn't...
Can't believe
she was faking it.
She seemed so excited.
She only faked it
because she loves you.
And that's why you need
to fake it with her.
So get out there and act
like nothing's wrong.
If you knew I fake
it on Monday nights,
why haven't you
ever said anything?
'Cause you put
on a great show
and then I get
to watch Mike and Molly.
And even though it started out
with what they would call today
a date rape, our marriage
lasted 67 years.
And, uh, since I suddenly
can't remember where I am
or who any of you people is,
well, I'll just say
"Happy New Year's."
SABRINA:
Happy New Year.
(giggles)
Seven years ago,
I made out with your mother
in the back of a car.
(both gibbering anxiously)
And I fiddled with her
knockers a little.
(gasps)
(sighs)
I am so sorry,
all right?
I just... I didn't
want you to kiss me
because I thought you might
not want to kiss the guy
who made out
with your mother.
Although, I mean,
you have kissed the guy
who made out
with your mother,
you just, you just
didn't know it.
Look, I didn't know it.
I just found out
when I watched the video
that I'd made out
with your mother.
Is it just me or is
he saying the words
"I made out with your mother"
way more than he needs to?
Yeah, I don't know
why he's doing that.
You know, I'm sure that he has
brushed his teeth a whole bunch
since then, sweetheart.
And, also, the boobs
that he grabbed,
they're not even mine anymore.
After the recall,
your Uncle Andy turned them
into an art piece for Nana.
(sighs)
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
I just love you so much
that I didn't want to spend
the rest of my life keeping
any secrets from you.
So, if you don't want to
marry me, you don't have to.
But I want to marry you.
Really badly.
So... I'm gonna
ask you again.
Will you marry me?
(sighs)
Yes.
JIMMY: By being willing
to lose everything,
I was able to show Sabrina
I loved her 100%
for who she was
and give her the feeling
she's been waiting
for her whole life.
And she didn't have to fake it.
And we weren't the only
ones who weren't going
to fake it anymore.
All right, we are recording
Mike and Molly,
so you can take
as much time as you need.
But try to not take
too much time,
I'm recording over some of
my favorite karate movies.
has its challenges.
Like how the water
won't run
while the washing machine
is on its rinse cycle.
Spin cycle!
JIMMY: And the air conditioner
won't kick on
unless the thermostat
inks it's 125 degrees.
Ow, it's burning
my thumb.
Just power
through it.
JIMMY: Or having to learn
the combination
to open the front door
that sticks.
Hurry.
I'm trying.
It's push, twist left,
pull, twist right,
lift and open, right?
No, no, no,
that's the back door!
The front door is twist left,
pull, twist right, lift, stomp.
JIMMY: But that's just part
of living in an old house.
And the longer
you live there,
the more it all
just becomes normal.
(shrieks)
I'm waiting
for the spin cycle.
I think this
is the first time
I've ever seen
your meat whistle, Burt.
I believe
that's true.
Not a fan.
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh,
♪ Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Birth control, no, no, no ♪
♪ Let it roll, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh! ♪
Raising Hope
S03 Ep01 - Not Indecent, but Not Quite...
Hey...
We are so, so, very, very,
very sorry for your loss.
Thanks for using
your funeral voice,
but nobody really cared
for my grandmother.
Well, we wanted
to be here for you.
And Jimmy said
there might be shrimp?
Help yourself.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Oh, you brought Maw Maw.
Where's the body?
Oh, it's
in the kitchen.
She was worried people wouldn't
pay their respects up-close,
so she surrounded herself
with the buffet.
Good idea.
You, at my funeral,
fill my bellybutton
with ranch dressing,
so people will have to dip
their carrot sticks in there.
I'm gonna write
that down.
Okay.
Is your mother here yet?
She's around here somewhere.
Give me something
to talk to her about.
Talk about her.
She's a big fan.
She went to India
and she picked up yoga.
Yoga? I don't know
anything about yoga.
Did she pick up
anything else in India?
Diarrhea.
Okay. Good.
I've got a strong five
minutes on diarrhea.
Make sure you bury me
in a dress like this.
It looks custom-made.
I'll try to find you
one kinda like it.
Not kinda like it.
Just like it.
And don't forget to wrap
my head in tin foil
so worms don't get in.
Yeah, I already told you
I'm not doing that.
It's weird and it's
a waste of foil.
I'm not taping one
of your eyes open either.
Oh, come on,
that'll be hilarious.
Mm...
Mom, this is
my boyfriend Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is my mother,
who is so self-involved that,
though I have now
said your name twice,
I bet she has no
idea what it is.
Jimmy.
Still doesn't.
Let's not do this.
Not today.
Your grandmother is dead.
We should be celebrating.
I may not have been
the perfect mother,
but I was a hell of a lot better
to you than Nana was to me.
That woman once
elbowed me in the nose
because I was talking
during Wimbledon.
When you were 12,
did Nana leave you
alone for a weekend
so she could fly to Vegas
with her boyfriend?
Hey, you don't
know Richard Dawson
because he's dead now,
but he used to be a big deal.
So, India.
I hear that place can be
a real bummer on the tummy.
Is my daughter dating
you to hurt me?
I hope not.
Right before I die,
I want to be frozen
so they can bring me back
after they discover the cure
for whatever disease I had.
And, of course, the cure
for being frozen to death.
Frozen, huh?
What do they call that?
Cryogenics.
I thought cryogenics
was a religion.
No, no, no, you're
thinking of Science-ology.
It's that religion
that writer started.
L... more Leonard.
BURT: And they use their
science to freeze you
and bring you
back to life, huh?
We should look into that.
Guys, I think the
conversation may have taken
a wrong turn somewhere.
If everybody could come
to the living room,
my grandmother had a video
she made before she died,
she wanted everyone to watch.
(all groan)
Yeah, she didn't think
anybody was gonna want
to do that either, so she put a
chocolate fountain in there.
Hmm, chocolate fountain.
That's a great idea.
Come on.
Hm!
Hello, everyone.
In case you're shedding
any tears for me,
please don't.
By the time you see this,
I'm going to be in Heaven
getting plowed
by my dead husband.
When he sees me wearing
his favorite dress,
I'm going to knock his halo off.
I guess some of you
are curious as to what
I'm going to do with my money.
Hello, Tamara.
Now, how would I know that
you would be in the most
comfortable chair?
Because I know you
like the back of my hand.
You're a spoiled brat.
You have no respect
for marriage or money
and because of tt,
you get nothing.
I hate you.
I hate you, too.
All of the cash
I have will be donated
to a non-profit organization
dedicated to getting rid
of non-profit organizations.
The only thing left
is this house.
And I've decided to give it
to the only relative
who hasn't broken my heart
by getting a divorce:
Sabrina.
As soon as
you get married,
you can move in
and start a family.
Rest in peace, sweetheart.
See you
on the other side.
SABRINA: I don't know why
we can't talk about this!
Just stop it!
Jimmy, you saw that house.
The sooner you two are married,
the sooner we can all move in.
(Sabrina laughs)
That sounded a little like
you think you're
gonna live there, too.
Uh, yeah.
Jimmy lived here
for 25 years.
He owes us.
This isn't your house.
It's Maw Maw's.
Shh!
And I would like
to live in it alone
just once, before I die.
So hurry up and ask that
long-haired pretty boy
to marry you before the
Republicans get back in office
and make it a sin.
Maw Maw, I'm not telling you
this again: I'm a woman.
And I'm not telling
you this again:
Show me your vagina
and I'll believe you.
No!
Burt showed me his.
I know that sounded like
I have a vagina.
I don't.
She's referring to...
I was peeing the other day...
I'll explain later.
Now, look, since
they brought it up,
it is a nice house,
and I mean, it's not like
we never talked about...
No, no, no, no, Jimmy.
No.
Listen, my whole life
I've had to worry about people
liking me for my
family's money.
Look, you fell in love with me
for who I really am.
I don't some stupid house
to be the reason we got engaged.
Then it won't be the reason.
You guys are
being selfish.
What about Hope?
She'd be in a better
school district.
You really want her going to
the same schools Jimmy went to?
Mom, my schools
weren't not that bad.
Name four consonants.
America, Europe, Mexico,
and the North Pole.
Is that right?
I don't know. I went
to the same schools.
Mom, just drop it, okay?
I didn't even think
about the schools.
SABRINA:
I mean, it's good.
It's where I went.
It's not like I never thought
about us getting married.
So...
I guess we should
get married?
It seems to make sense.
Did we just get engaged?
I think we did, yeah.
Burt, go get the champagne
I was saving for when Oprah
comes crawling
back to network TV.
I mean, you want
to do this, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
totally I do.
Um, I think there's just...
I guess when I dreamt about
the man that I loved
proposing to me,
I think I might have thought
I would feel something
that I'd never felt
before, but you know,
it's just the house
and I-I don't know...
At least you're getting
married for a house.
When she got married, all she
got was a ten-pound baby
with a two-pound nose.
Jimmy, you know what?
All that really matters
is that I love you.
No.
No, I want you to feel
like you always dreamed
you would feel
when you got engaged.
I can do better.
I-I take back my proposal.
No, Jimmy, really it's fine.
Please, let me try again.
I want to do this right.
Okay. Fine.
We're no longer engaged.
Thanks.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Oh!
They're not
engaged anymore.
Seriously?
Well, help me find the cork.
JIMMY: The first step was to
find out what kind of proposal
Sabrina had always
dreamed up without asking her.
Oh, and then
when we were 11,
she wanted it to be at a
surprise party surrounded
by friends and family.
She also thinks a Jumbo-tron
proposal'd be cool.
It's in her diary:
page 82.
Oh, and then she went through a
"guy on a white horse" phase
in high school, and that was
followed by a skywriting phase.
Her diary never mentions
horses or skywriting.
She does talk about
some creepy guy at work.
I think it's Chet.
Hey, Mom, check
out my profile page.
I finally got my new gal pal
to stand still
long enough for a photo.
So, what do you think?
I vote
for skywriting.
White horse.
Jumbo-tron.
VIRGINIA: What?
No way!
JIMMY:
I wanted it to be perfect
but she wanted so many
different things,
which was I supposed to do?
(all arguing)
I got it.
Good!
This was
beginning to bore me.
By the way, if you're going
with the white horse,
I think I can get
that for you.
We're talking
about heroin, right?
(singsongy): He's gonna
to ask you to marry him.
Maw Maw!
It's okay.
When you asked me to go bowling
but wear my nicest dress,
I kinda knew something was up.
Well, act surprised.
He's really looking
forward to this.
Oh, crap, I lost a meatball.
Virginia?
I'm looking.
VIRGINIA: This is why I told you
to go with the pork chop!
From now on, flat food
only in the car.
I don't know if I can
do this, Virginia.
What do you mean?
You already said yes.
This is just for fun.
Yeah, I know, but he wants me
to feel something
that I never felt
before and I just...
I don't think
that's going to happen.
Virginia.
I'm looking.
I know he that loves me
and he's not asking me
to marry him because of a house,
but there's no doubt
that he's asking me
right now because of a house.
I think my grandmother's
ruined this for me.
(groans)
Well, then you gotta fake it.
Mmm.
- What?
- Look...
sometimes they work
and work and work
and they want you to feel
something you never felt before,
and you know there is no way
you're ever gonna get there.
So... you fake it.
You do that?
I love Mike and Molly,
but Burt broke our VCR
killing a spider,
so if a show's getting
close and I'm not,
I just put on a little
performance of my own.
I faked it last night...
and I was by myself.
I blamed it
on the arthritis, but...
the truth is...
I just lost interest.
(sighs)
Okay.
Ready?
So, what do you say?
Will you marry me?
(gasps)
Yes, yeah!
Yeah, Jimmy!
Oh, my God, Jimmy!
Jimmy, I want to marry you!
I'm gonna marry you!
I'm gonna
marry you, yeah!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes, oh God, yes!
Yeah.
Wow...
Jimmy just proposed
the crap out of that girl.
I told you
I could do it.
Pop.
Whoo-hoo!
(champagne sloshing)
JIMMY: After almost three years
of being in love with Sabrina,
I couldn't believe
we were actually engaged.
And Sabrina's mom seemed
to be warming up to me.
Kind of.
Sabrina, Timmy...
- Jimmy.
- Jimmy.
In a lot of ways,
I don't think that you're
good enough for my daughter.
To Sabrina and Timmy.
Jimmy.
(laughs uncomfortably)
JIMMY:
Most importantly, Sabrina and I
were as happy
as we've ever been.
In lieu of words strung
together to form sentences,
I have prepared a slide show
to celebrate the life
of the bride and groom.
Okay...
those were supposed
to go by a lot faster.
(everyone laughs)
Look, it's Insane Clown Wussy.
(everyone laughing)
We all go through phases, Dad.
SABRINA:
Ha! Speaking of phases.
Hey, Mom, you
remember that summer?
I think that was the only summer
you had your old nose
and your new boobs.
I'm just saying,
I can't believe you got a
boob job before a nose job.
Your grandmother
did this to my nose.
I wanted her to see that it
did not affect my self-esteem.
But, in order for that to work,
I needed much bigger boobs.
Just stop coming on the boat
with me and my friends, okay?
No matter how big
your new boobs are,
the boys aren't going
to hook up with you.
You're old.
If the boat tips over,
those boys are gonna be
clinging to me for dear life.
And I am not old.
I can name every single
character on Laguna Beach.
Come on, man.
You're in my math class.
No, I'm not.
I'm that guy's father,
Burt Chance.
Go ahead,
ask me anything.
I memorized it all.
I'll take that beer.
But I hate
to drink alone.
Unless you think
I'm too old.
(squeaking)
What are you wearing?
I'm not sure.
I got most of this
at a yard sale.
I think it's like
a cool Goth back brace.
It's a corset.
Seriously?
Like, one of those
old-timey bras they wore
back when you were my age?
TAMARA:
Get the hell out of my car!
♪ Hana loka mu's
the word for bride ♪
♪ Noka Nu is how
you say groom ♪
♪ And when the Hana loka mu
meets the little Noka Nu ♪
♪ They have
a Takaniki honeymoon ♪
♪ I don't actually know
any Hawaiian ♪
♪ And I just made up
all those words ♪
♪ But let's a raise
a glass of booze ♪
♪ For the upcoming nuptials
and wish you ♪
♪ A Nakiliki Mekaliki Maki
Hoki Poo! ♪
(Hope giggles)
What are you doing?
Uh, your father
wanted to take a bath
and I lost
an earring in the...
Grown-up stuff.
We're doing grown-up stuff.
JIMMY:
Well...
don't get used
to this house
'cause I think just
blew it for all of us.
I made out
with Sabrina's mom.
Jimmy, do you know how
inappropriate that is?
The...
What is going
on in here?
Look...
you have got to get back
out there and act normal.
Act normal?
Are you kidding me?
You're gonna be my mother-in-law
and seven years ago,
we were making out
in the back of a car.
Just get it together.
I am trying to have a better
relationship with my daughter
and that is never gonna happen
if she finds out about this.
So, if anyone asks
what we were doing in here,
let's all just say cocaine.
My husband wasn't my first
choice, but back then
there was no way my parents
were going to let me marry
a Jewish guy or a black guy
or a... or an Asian guy.
I often wondered
what happened to Wang.
That was the black guy.
His nickname was Wang.
I don't know what to do.
I can't lie to Sabrina.
VIRGINIA:
Don't be an idiot.
You didn't know it was Sabrina's
mother when it happened.
It's seven years.
You probably don't even remember
what her fake boobs felt like.
- Do ya?
- Burt.
Oh, come on.
I got married at 17.
The closest I ever got
to a fake boob
was going up Kathy Conklin's
shirt and coming out
with a plastic baggy
full of mashed potatoes.
I have to assume
they've gotten better.
Jimmy, you would only
be telling Sabrina
what happened to make
yourself feel better.
BURT:
Think about Sabrina.
How is she going to ever
kiss you again
knowing you made out
with her mother? It's gross.
JIMMY: So I'm
supposed to go out there
and act normal for
the rest of the night?
For the rest of my life?
Yeah, fake it.
The way Sabrina totally
faked how happy she was
when you proposed tonight.
What?
She wasn't faking it.
Come on, she said your
name a bunch of times,
threw in a few "Oh Gods,"
did all your mother's
Monday night moves.
Wha...? I didn't...
Can't believe
she was faking it.
She seemed so excited.
She only faked it
because she loves you.
And that's why you need
to fake it with her.
So get out there and act
like nothing's wrong.
If you knew I fake
it on Monday nights,
why haven't you
ever said anything?
'Cause you put
on a great show
and then I get
to watch Mike and Molly.
And even though it started out
with what they would call today
a date rape, our marriage
lasted 67 years.
And, uh, since I suddenly
can't remember where I am
or who any of you people is,
well, I'll just say
"Happy New Year's."
SABRINA:
Happy New Year.
(giggles)
Seven years ago,
I made out with your mother
in the back of a car.
(both gibbering anxiously)
And I fiddled with her
knockers a little.
(gasps)
(sighs)
I am so sorry,
all right?
I just... I didn't
want you to kiss me
because I thought you might
not want to kiss the guy
who made out
with your mother.
Although, I mean,
you have kissed the guy
who made out
with your mother,
you just, you just
didn't know it.
Look, I didn't know it.
I just found out
when I watched the video
that I'd made out
with your mother.
Is it just me or is
he saying the words
"I made out with your mother"
way more than he needs to?
Yeah, I don't know
why he's doing that.
You know, I'm sure that he has
brushed his teeth a whole bunch
since then, sweetheart.
And, also, the boobs
that he grabbed,
they're not even mine anymore.
After the recall,
your Uncle Andy turned them
into an art piece for Nana.
(sighs)
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
I just love you so much
that I didn't want to spend
the rest of my life keeping
any secrets from you.
So, if you don't want to
marry me, you don't have to.
But I want to marry you.
Really badly.
So... I'm gonna
ask you again.
Will you marry me?
(sighs)
Yes.
JIMMY: By being willing
to lose everything,
I was able to show Sabrina
I loved her 100%
for who she was
and give her the feeling
she's been waiting
for her whole life.
And she didn't have to fake it.
And we weren't the only
ones who weren't going
to fake it anymore.
All right, we are recording
Mike and Molly,
so you can take
as much time as you need.
But try to not take
too much time,
I'm recording over some of
my favorite karate movies.