Quiz (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
At last, it is Charles Ingram's turn in the hallowed hot-seat.
They all work. All four of them.
OK, good. Good to test them.
How is he? Charles? Is he ready?
Erm...
CHRIS TARRANT:
'Emmerdale. Hollyoaks.
'EastEnders. Coronation Street.'
Emmerdale?
'D, Coronation Street.'
'Coronation Street is
the right answer, well done.'
Oh, bum.
Yeah, no, he's, erm...
He's going to need
all the help he can get.
This way, please.
So this is just a little practice,
before we send you off
to the canteen
for a bite to eat, OK?
Oh, and to warn, we're starting with
a rollover contestant
from yesterday.
So you won't be called upon
until probably
quite a way into the show,
just to, like, manage
your expectations and everything.
Right!
Just a rehearsal!
Fingers on buttons.
Put these Disney films
in order of their release.
A, Little Mermaid.
B, Snow White.
C, Aladdin.
D, Dumbo.
OK, pretty straightforward,
B, D, A, C.
Let's look who was fastest.
Janet! On 6.52 seconds, well done.
And, Charles?
Yeah.
I'm afraid you were last.
Oh, well. It's just nice to be here.
Yeah. Only rehearsal.
Yeah, OK.
OK. Over to you, Rebecca.
Fantastic.
OK, folks, if you'd
like to follow me, please.
He's the husband
of the sister of the brother
who were all here, so...
Oh, Jesus Christ.
But seriously, honestly,
I wouldn't worry,
he's like
Tim-Nice-But-Dim army type,
I doubt he'll even get in the chair.
Terrible in rehearsal
and, so, yeah.
Oh, and his wife did request
an extra ticket, though.
Audience is full, but I could
put them in the overspill?
Fine, wherever.
Don't be so on edge.
I'm gonna be the one in the chair,
hopefully.
I wish you were more on edge,
so I'd know you knew how
nerve-wracking it is out there.
Well, at least we're
getting to spend more time together.
KNOCK ON DOOR
All right.
Of course, yeah.
Right, place these words
of an Agatha Christie novel
in the right order.
Nile, On, Death, The!
And it was, of course,
Death On The Nile.
And who gets to
sit in the chair next?
It's... Charles Ingram!
Well done, Charles.
Are you ready to play
for a million pounds?
Is the Pope a Catholic?
And... hold there!
What did I...?
Oh, don't worry, no, no, no.
It's a lot less continuous
and magic than it is on tele.
Erm, lots of stops and starts.
We're gonna mic your guest up now
and put them
in their seat in the audience.
Who have you brought?
Uh, my wife.
You've met actually,
she played before. Oh, really?
Yes.
Oh, yes!
Hello... again.
OK, folks, here we go. And...
OK, let's play
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
Erm, so, we've seen quite
a lot of the Major's family
on this show, Charles...
First off was his wife,
Diana, who won 32 grand.
Erm, then brother-in-law Adrian,
who won 32 grand, as well.
So it's a matter of
family honour, Charles.
No pressure, then!
No. No. No, no pressure.
What, are you trying to win
a million between you?
LAUGHTER
First question of 15.
"What name is given to a person
"who is against increasing
the powers of the European Union?"
Eurosceptic. Eurostar.
Eurotrash. Eurovision.
It's, erm...
It's Eurosceptic, Chris, yeah.
That's correct.
So for £2,000.
Coronation Street...
CHRIS GUFFAWS
I bet you know this one.
Oh, no, I've never watched it.
Charles, it's been on for 40 years!
I know, I know, I just...
In Coronation Street,
who is Audrey's daughter?
Janice, Gail, Linda, Sally.
Erm, no, it's nothing...
It's nothing, erm...
I'm not getting anything.
Erm, no, it's...
Oh, sorry, sir,
you can't be out here
on the phone, I'm afraid.
Yeah, no, sorry, I'm...
I know, I know, sorry,
I just need to, erm...
Sir, if you don't mind?
Yeah, of course.
Sorry. I was just trying to
get in touch...
'OK, no, I... Yeah.
'I'll have to ask the audience,
Chris.'
Cut to Chris.
'OK, audience.'
She's right. He's an idiot.
'Fingers on keypads.'
Which still begs the question
how he got in the goddamn chair,
but hey-ho,
and all the fun of the fair.
OK!
And 89% say Gail.
Well. Gosh, yeah, OK...
Well, I'll go for B, go for Gail.
Oh, "Where is the River Foyle"?
Erm... Erm...
I think I'm gonna have to, erm...
Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm gonna have to...
phone a friend..
It's all right, that's what
the lifelines are there for.
OK, who are we gonna call, Major?
Erm, Gerald.
OK, let's call Gerald, please.
Where's Gerald?
Erm, South Wales.
PHONE DIALS
PHONE'S DIAL DISTORTS
Mr Pollock, I mean it now,
we'll have to confiscate your phone.
Yeah, all right. OK. OK. Yep, sorry.
This way, sir.
Keep an eye on him.
Is the right answer.
And that takes you to £4,000!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Charles, we're gonna have to
drag you back tomorrow,
along with ten new
Fastest Finger First contestants.
APPLAUSE
Jacob Nixon from Frome!
Charlotte Edmonds from Edinburgh.
Helen McGrath form Broadstairs.
Sorry, darling.
Bloody Coronation Street.
It's OK, we just need to
strategise for tomorrow.
We need to regroup.
Well, I can't be back tomorrow,
I mean, I shouldn't really
be here today, so...
KNOCK ON DOOR
Knock-knock, sorry to interrupt.
Just giving you your hotel details.
Oh, no, I'm really sorry,
but I actually think
we have to get back home tonight.
Back home? Yeah, I've got...
I've got work in the morning.
But you're our rollover contestant.
You're back in the chair tomorrow.
I know, I know,
but we didn't necessarily think
that we would rollover, did we?
No. No.
Well, can't you call in sick?
It's the British Army.
No, you can't call in sick.
I know, but, like...
SHE SCOFFS
..there's no war on, is there?
I mean, I'm joking,
but I'm not really.
We have to have you back here.
We will be back.
I promise, I promise.
But work takes precedence,
I'm so sorry.
Charles, car, five minutes.
Yeah.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Tecwen speaking.
Ah, yes, Tecwen. Hi.
It's, erm, Diana Ingram here.
Erm, Adrian's sister.
Oh. Hello, yes. Diana. Yes.
Oh, my God, fortuitous timing.
You'll never guess what.
Oh, I-I think I can, actually,
you're going to be on the show
tomorrow, I've just heard,
erm, weirdly, I'm here...
at the studio.
Charles, my husband, he's here,
he's going to be
in the chair tomorrow,
for when you're in
the Fastest Finger seats.
Oh, my. What a coincidence.
I know. I know.
So, erm, I just thought
I'd call for a quick chat.
MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
All right?
MUSIC DIES
CLOCK TICKS
HE SIGHS
We're welcoming back Charles,
Major Charles Ingram,
into the chair.
"Morning, Major!"
"Morning, Fawlty!"
So do you have a strategy,
then, Major?
Well, erm... Well, yeah, I do.
I do have a strategy, actually.
I, erm... I was a bit defensive
on the last show,
erm, you know,
talking myself out of answers
that I... frankly,
I should have known and do know
and, erm... So, yeah...
So I'm... I'm...
Yeah, I'm, sort of,
going on the counterattack.
We're going on a counterattack.
Yeah, and basically I'm...
I'm just gonna try and show
a bit more self-commitment.
Well, erm, let's put this strategy
to the test.
Right, Major Charles Ingram,
are you ready to play?
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
This, for £8,000.
Who was the second husband
of Jacqueline Kennedy?
Adnan Khashoggi.
Ronald Reagan.
Aristotle Onassis.
Rupert Murdoch.
All right, we're not expecting
this guy to be in long,
he's two lifelines down,
so make sure we're prepped
for the next.
Roger, roger.
I would have thought...
I would have thought it would be
Aristotle Onassis.
Erm...
Yeah, one...
One of my sub-strategies is...
Oh, my,
we've got sub-strategies now?!
Yeah, yeah,
and sub-sub-strategies.
But one of my sub-strategies
is to take my time
and, erm, list all the...
all the options.
So...
Adnan Kashoggi.
Ronald Reagan.
And Rupert Murdoch.
Aristotle Onassis.
COUGHING
Yeah, yeah, I think...
I'm pretty sure
it's, erm, Aristotle Onassis.
Final answer?
Final answer, yeah.
You didn't have to play.
Well, this new
self-committed Charles
is a wild and crazy man.
That's the correct answer!
OK, so you've got £16,000.
Now for the all-important 32,000.
Who had a hit UK album
with Born To Do It,
released in 2000?
Coldplay.
Toploader.
A1.
Craig David.
Coldplay.
Toploader.
A1.
Craig David.
HE SIGHS
OK, well, erm...
All right?
Yeah.
That major from last night
is nearly up to 32 grand, amazingly.
'I think it's A1.'
He's like a new man today.
'But it could be Toploader.'
Which is also something to do with
a barrel on a rifle.
So... Erm, I've never heard
of Craig David.
Erm...
Erm, I...
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to...
I think I'm gonna have to use
my final lifeline, 50:50.
Computer, take away
two wrong answers,
leave Charles with the right answer
and one remaining wrong answer.
Oh, that's not any easier...
Erm... Urgh.
Do you know what?
I think I'm gonna go for it,
I think I'm gonna go for A1.
CROWD GASP
Final answer?
No.
LAUGHTER
No. Erm...
Craig David...
HE SIGHS
Craig... David.
SHE COUGHS
You know, when... When I'm at home,
erm, and I'm practising,
you know, I guess... I guess...
Well, I guess wrong 80% of the time,
so I think I'm gonna
go with Craig David.
LAUGHTER
Charles, you'd never heard of him
a moment ago?!
No, Craig David. I'm gonna...
Final answer?
Yeah, final answer.
Well, erm, what a show
this is turning into.
Major Charles Ingram was on £16,000.
He didn't have to play
this question.
He said in his own words that
he'd never heard of Craig David.
He went with A1.
And then, because...
Well, I'd rather lost
the plot of his thinking then,
but he changed his mind,
knowing that he would lose £15,000
if he gave the wrong answer.
He went with Craig David,
who he'd never heard of.
Yep.
And that's the right answer!
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Unbelievable.
I don't know how you do that!
I really don't!
Incredible.
HE PANTS
PHONE RINGS
Yes?
Paul. It's David.
It's happening,
I think the thing is happening.
The rollover contestant
from last night,
I think he's cheating.
He...? What, in getting on the show?
No, cheating on the show,
cheating at the actual...
the actual game.
Is the correct answer.
APPLAUSE
How do you...?
You can't cheat the show,
either you know the answer,
or you don't.
Look something isn't right. He's...
Normal people don't play like this.
All right, I'm... I'm coming down.
Yeah, I mean, it's a down payment
on a house, isn't it? So...
So, yeah. Yeah. Holbein.
Holbein.
Final answer?
Final answer.
OK. Erm, first of all,
you thought it was Rembrandt.
Said you'd seen the painting.
You then thought it was Holbein.
You've just won £125,000!
Incredible.
Incredible.
You're just getting better!
OK, something's weird.
How is he doing this?
Yeah, I have no idea.
I mean, you were struggling more
at £200 than you are now.
I-I dunno!
Unbelievable.
HE MOUTHS
Well, Charles, here it is.
A cheque, for a quarter of a...
It sounds strange doesn't it,
..a quarter of a million pounds.
Gosh, you're shaking.
I know, I know, I don't...
I know that, frankly,
you didn't think you'd be able to
equal your wife.
And, frankly, Charles, nor did I.
LAUGHTER
Well, this is real money.
£250,000.
But we don't want to give you that!
This question...
for half a million pounds.
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Baron Haussmann is best known
for the planning of which city?
Rome.
Paris.
Berlin.
Athens.
Think it's Berlin.
LAUGHTER
God!
Yeah, Berlin.
I mean, Haussmann...
You know, seems...
Seems like a German name,
rather than a Italian name,
or a Parisian name,
or an Athens name.
Erm...
Rome.
Paris.
COUGHING
Yeah. Do you know,
I'm gonna, I'm gonna rethink it.
Because I don't...
I don't think it's Athens
and I'm pretty sure it's not Rome.
And I would have thought...
I would have thought it was, erm...
Berlin, but there's a chance
it could be Paris.
COUGHING
Oh, God, no.
You stand to lose £218,000.
Yeah, I think...
I-I think it's Paris.
I'm gonna play.
Right, hang on.
Now, wait, where are we?!
HE COUGHS
No, Paris.
Paris, final answer.
Final answer?
Final answer.
You thought it was Berlin.
"Berlin, Berlin, Berlin".
You changed your mind to Paris...
That's brought you £500,000!
Yes! Yes!
That's unbelievable! Unbelievable!
Incredible.
Oh, shit, the glitter.
Never thought we'd get to
the million-pound question,
but we're at the
million-pound question,
I never prepared the bloody glitter.
Where's the glitter man?
# It's raining men, hallelujah
It's raining men, amen
# It's raining men, hallelujah... #
PHONE RINGS
# Ame-e-e-e-en. #
Well, erm...
It's not often I get to say this.
But...
for £1 million:
The number one,
followed by 100 zeros
is known by what name?
Googol.
Megatron.
Gigabit.
Nanomole.
Well, let's see.
HE EXHALES
Erm, Giga...
Nano...
Oh, God, don't start.
HE STRAINS
Right, OK.
God, I don't... I don't, erm...
Well?
Watch, just watch...
I'm not sure.
However...
LAUGHTER
Charles, you haven't been sure
since question two!
God, I... I think...
I think it's a Megatron.
I have to say, I've...
And I've never heard,
I haven't...
No, I've never heard of a googol.
HE PANTS
Do you know the answer?
Yes, it's googol.
That's what I thought.
Googol.
COUGHING
Googol.
COUGHING
Yeah, I mean, you know,
by process of elimination,
I actually think it is a googol.
But I don't know what a googol is.
LAUGHTER
It's not a gigabit,
a nanomole, or a Megatron
and there's only four of them,
so it must be googol, mustn't it?
I mean...
HE LAUGHS
I mean, I don't mind taking
the odd risk now and again.
CROWD GROAN
My strategy has...
has worked so far.
Chris, I'm gonna play.
CROWD GASP
You know, you don't have to
play this, Charles.
No-one would blame you
if you walked away right now,
with half a million pounds.
Googol.
Final answer?
Final answer.
Catch me when I fall on the floor.
Don't go to a break.
Please, don't go to...
Please, don't go for a break.
We're taking a break.
Oh, God!
CROWD GROAN
Don't go anywhere, I know you won't,
on what is an epic night
in British television.
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, my God.
We should stop it now.
Just stop it.
We can't stop it, we have no proof.
We just, I don't know, just...
HE SIGHS
We have to carry on.
You all right?
Erm, yeah, I just, erm...
I mean, no, not really.
HE CHUCKLES
No!
So you can see, can you, if I've got
the answer right on your screen?
I can.
I'm sure it'll just be
a few seconds.
Thank you.
HE MOUTHS
OK, studio, and...
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Welcome back.
Wow. Erm, we are here
with Charles Ingram.
Who, after first thinking
it was Megatron,
erm, then played googol
as his final answer.
Even though he'd never heard of it.
Charles?
You've just won £1 million!
One million!
You are the most amazing player
we have ever, ever had!
Diana? Come on down,
my darling, come on.
One million!
£1 million!
I can't believe it.
CHEERING
SHE SOBS
The best player we have ever had!
What a man!
Quite an amazing man.
I have no idea how you did it.
I don't know.
Unbelievable! Unbelievable!
Unbelievable, Diana, my darling,
come here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Charles Ingram.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Right from
Her doorway we roam... #
THEY LAUGH
# Eats and then
It's a pleasure again
# Walkin' my baby... #
"Charles Ingram. One million."
# I don't mean maybe
# Walkin' my baby
# Back home. #
THEY LAUGH
What? What am I listening for?
Just wait. It, erm...
I don't know, I don't know,
just... play VT.
'Googol.'
COUGHING
That, there. Right there.
A cough.
So what?
There's always coughing.
I think... I don't definitely know,
but I think there's,
like, a pattern.
Of what, coughing? From who?
Look, there's gotta
be something, Paul.
Watch last night's tape,
he's useless.
And then, what,
he comes back an utter genius?
Replay VT.
'Googol.'
COUGHING
Turn it up.
'Googol.'
COUGHING
Then he changes his answer.
'By process of elimination,
I actually think it is a googol.
'But I just don't know
what a googol is.'
PHONE RINGS
Hi, Paul?
'Um, hi, Ruth.'
Erm, we've had another millionaire.
Oh. OK, great!
Except...
I think that...
Erm, WE think something's not right.
We think the guy may have cheated.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
What the shitting hell?
BABY GARBLES
Cheeky bastards, who are they?
Are they one of that group
you talked about
getting on the show? Morning.
We don't know,
we just know he's a wrong'un.
Are you OK?
No, I'm not OK,
of course, I'm not OK.
Sorry, sorry,
it's murder on the old...
This is Lionel, from legal.
Coffee? How do you take it?
Oh, just, erm, massive.
Look, before anything else,
the most urgent thing is
whether to air tomorrow's episode,
because if we don't,
then ten million people
are gonna need
something else to watch.
I have a tape on its way,
you can see for yourself.
Well, what about the police?
The police?
Yeah.
Is...? Is this a police...?
Well, it's not... not.
It's theft. It's £1 million.
If this was a bank vault
or a diamond store in Hatton Gardens
there'd be helicopters by now,
roadblocks.
Come in...
Ah, right, see for yourself.
All I'm saying is, is it a crime
to cheat on a game show?
Well, it's... It's... Well...
Stop saying "well", Lionel.
I'm from legal.
It's my job to say "well".
SHE SNEEZES
See for yourselves.
'Do you know what?
'I think I am going to go for it.
I'm gonna go for A1.'
'Final answer?
No.'
LAUGHTER
'No. Erm... A1.
'Craig... David.'
COUGHING
Oh, Jesus, Je-sus.
It's so obvious.
And don't forget that his wife
has already been on the show.
She knows the ins and outs.
'I normally guess wrong
80% of the time...'
Watch now. He changes his answer.
'I think I'm going to
go with Craig David.'
OK, I say we don't air.
Agreed.
We can edit forward to
the next contestant in the chair.
Would you fast forward, please?
Can we do that, is it that simple?
Oh, arse, the glitter on the floor.
Well, if no-one has won,
where did the glitter
just come from? No-one will notice.
Or care.
This is Tecwen Whittock,
from Whitchurch, Cardiff.
Can you stretch out his turn,
make him longer?
It'll be a struggle.
He was erm, nothing special,
you know.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Did you order something?
No.
Oh.
Hello, hello, David Briggs.
Ah, yes, hello, hello.
Hello, this is Ruth Settle.
Hi. Hi, hello. Morning, morning.
Oh, hello.
Oh, hi.
Sleep OK?
If at all, you must be...
Erm... Oh, what's this about?
Oh, it's only to, erm...
It's just to work out
the next few days.
The angle, the coverage.
So your press conference,
we thought, because of question 12
for 125,000,
The Ambassadors is a painting
by which artist?
The... What, the Holbein?
The Holbein. Well done, correct!
We are thinking of hosting it there,
in front of the painting. Ah, right.
But you...
You did keep changing your mind
a lot, didn't you?
Well, actually, that was to
explain my thinking to the audience,
so I wasn't just, you know,
sat there like a muppet.
It's, erm, probably just that,
don't you think?
What's "probably" what?
Actually, erm, Diana mentions
all these tips in her book
that she's writing with her brother
about the show.
What? It'll help publicise it,
won't it? Being a winner.
You're writing a book?
Oh, just a little stocking filler.
With hints and things
about how to get onto the show,
how to play, just a few things
that we've picked up
from this community of fans,
that's all.
Gosh, that...
That sound really helpful.
I wouldn't mention that
to the press yet. No.
We'll... We'll have an embargo
until the show airs.
We have to handle everything...
delicately.
Guilty as sin.
THEY GRUMBLE
Bollocks. Look,
they are quiz obsessive, they're...
They are fans of the show,
so they're a bit much,
but apart from that.
Watch the tape. Play her the tape.
Oh, and she's, erm,
writing a book, the wife,
like, erm, an expose of the show.
She what?!
Oh, my God... It's just a tiny,
little stocking filler.
Look, I just come off the phone
from some of our guys at the studio
who are investigating all possible,
you know, and...
And they have gone into the car park
with some sort of radio receiver
and they're saying it's possible
to listen in to the show relay
from outside?
David, do we not
scramble that signal?
Why would we scramble the signal?
How do you scramble a signal?
What's this now? The relay?
I'm just saying that
hypothetically, someone,
maybe someone from this...
this... this group
could listen in to the show
from outside.
And how would that help them?
To hear the questions!
Look up the answers
and communicate back in.
To who? The person in the chair?!
Maybe! I don't know!
Or someone in the audience,
with a mobile phone.
We don't allow mobile phones
in the studio.
Yeah, but do we check?
Course we check.
Do we check?
No. Course we don't check,
how would we check?
You don't search the audience?
Let's get it all out now, shall we?
After the horse has bolted.
This is all just happening
this morning.
Right, it's a game show!
It's not Fort Knox!
Whoa, wait, are we saying that
it's not someone coughing, then?
It could be the coughing.
It's definitely the coughing.
Either way, I'm calling the police.
Who would you even call?
Like, which, like, branch?
I'll text my person
to look up for IP.
Hold on, have they have even
cashed the cheque yet?
Wait, have...?
Have we cancelled the cheque?
I don't know. I mean...
I mean, no, we haven't
cancelled the cheque,
I've been at the...
Lionel. Should we cancel the cheque?
I'm just thinking, we might need
to wait for them to cash the cheque
for it to be stealing.
No, no, no, if we do that,
that would be entrapment,
surely, by us?
Yeah, but if they cash the cheque,
do we have to sue them
to get it back?
Am I cancelling the cheque,
or aren't I?! Well...
No, I just don't see it.
Don't you hear it?! The coughing.
Is that how loud it actually was?
Yes.
Well... No, we've isolated them
a bit, for you to hear...
Listen, you can hear the coughs
at the right answers.
Yeah, and I can hear the coughs
on the wrong answers!
Here. These are the people
at Scotland Yard to call,
it's something called the
Celebrity Crimes Squad or something,
I don't know. Really?
Sounds like a shit detective show.
Yeah, sounds like
something we'd make. Wow.
Wait, I'm confused,
what are we saying to them?
That this is... There's more people?
That this is part
of a bigger... conspiracy?
All I'm saying is we don't know
how many people
were outside helping,
inside, helping him.
Yeah, but you can't pack the place
out with people that you know.
You only get the one ticket.
Actually...
Actually, on the first night,
the Ingram's did have
someone else there.
Diana's brother.
The brother... was there...?
Yeah.
God dammit!
I'm calling the police.
'What a man!'
'A major disaster is occurring
in New York City this afternoon.'
Wait a sec...
what is that?
'World Trade Centre is on fire.
'Early indications are
that a Boeing 747 out of Boston
'collided with the tower at 1:46 PM
this afternoon, 8:46 AM CET.'
Is that live?
It must be..
'Eye witness reports are coming in
that the plane banked sharply
'and made a direct hit at around
the 80th floor of the building.
'More as we have it.
Thank you, Nicholas.
'As you can imagine, there is chaos
in the streets of downtown New York.
'All major buildings are being
evacuated in the area
'surrounding the World Trade Centre.
'There's been a second collision,
possibly another plane goes...'
Are you OK? Just awful.
Yeah. Puts it all in perspective,
doesn't it?
I haven't even told the chaps about
our win yet, all seems a bit...
Actually there was a message
for you from Celador
when I got back from school.
I don't know if you... Right.
OK, well, life goes on, eh?
Yeah.
I love you.
I love you.
Give me that number.
Detective Sergeant Sam Ferguson
from the Special Inquiry Unit,
this is my colleague,
Detective Constable Amir Cave.
You rang.
Well, I don't think any of us
expected you to come today,
given the, erm...
Yeah.
Terrible thing. But...
crimes still need solving.
So, we've been brought up
to speed by Mr...
PHONE RINGS
Oh, excuse me. This'll be him.
Hello, Paul Smith?
Paul, hello.
It's Charles Ingram here,
I was just on your show.
Charles, thank you for calling back.
Erm, so I have to tell you...
that we have suspicions from viewing
the recording of Monday's programme
and subsequently studying
the tapes carefully,
that there were irregularities
during the taping of the show
in which you participated.
Oh, Good Lord, no.
Because of that I have to tell
you that these suspicions...
THEY MUTTER
..have been referred to the police.
Right. And thus we will not,
for the moment,
be airing the programme, or indeed
authorising payment of the cheque.
Right.
Yeah. Well, I mean, you know...
..I completely refute that,
obviously.
All right.
Good Lord.
Well, goodbye.
Goodbye.
Police? You're an army major.
I'm a teaching assistant.
People like us don't deal with
the police, this is Wiltshire.
It's what he said.
I sort of... told our book publisher
about your win
and they've set up this
photo and interview thing
for this Sunday. I know
the Millionaire people said not to,
but the publishers
said it was too good not to.
For the book... Well, there won't
be a book, will there, if...?
I bet it wasn't the publishers
who said that, I bet it was Adrian.
I bet you've been speaking to him.
Have you spoken to Adrian again?
How? If he's on the run? On the run!
As if that's a normal sentence
for a normal person to say!
I'm a commissioned officer in the
British Army. There are standards.
DOG WHINES
Come along, Buffy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How do we know that it was Celador?
That it was Paul Smith you spoke to?
It was, I returned his call,
on the number they left you...
Yes, I know,
but how do we know it's not a hoax.
Someone in the community,
taking the mickey.
What...? Maybe that's what they do
to everyone, everyone who wins.
It's not a mickey-take, Diana.
Well, it's a bit over the top,
isn't it?
Call it back again, that number.
No. I'm not gonna call it.
I want to hear it.
No, I'm not gonna call it back.
Then I'll do it.
Diana!
Hello. Erm, this is... Diana Ingram.
Hello. Hi, erm, yes,
we received a phone call
from this number earlier
and, well, it occurred to us
that we didn't know
whether it was real, or not.
No, erm, no.
No, I'm afraid it was real.
This... This is Paul Smith.
Yes, but how do we know?
It could be a wind-up. Or the press.
Erm...
Well...
Erm... O-OK.
Erm, why don't you call back again
and I won't answer this time,
it'll take you through to my
extension answering machine message.
And you'll hear that this is me,
and... and this is Celador.
And that... that this is no wind-up,
Mrs Ingram.
OK.
PHONE DIALS
'Hello, you've reached
Paul Smith at Celador.
'Leave a message and I'll get
back to you when I can, thanks.'
MESSAGE TONE BEEPS
HE CLEARS THROAT
We're doing that press interview.
You won that money. It's yours.
So let's tell people.
We'll need to make a statement.
They're cheats!
I just can't get my head round it.
That terribly nice major,
a criminal mastermind? Bollocks.
You really didn't notice anything?
Well I-I suppose
you've a lot going on.
Yeah, but I'd hope
that I'd have done this enough
to notice if someone
is trying to steal a million quid
two feet in front of me, Paul.
You all right?
You look ragged.
I feel upset, actually.
This... Well, this is our thing,
it's our baby.
No-one will dare try
anything like this again
after all this, don't you worry.
Who the hell was coughing?
So what I'm gonna show you
is what we've edited together
of the show so far
from the different angles.
Play VT.
'Googol.'
COUGHING
That cough there, then.
Can you ascertain
where it came from?
Not the individual, no,
we don't mic up
every audience member.
But we've got different mic tracks
covering different areas
of the studio.
Now that particular cough.
That came from
the Fastest Finger mic, stage right.
Play tape C.
One of these five, sat here.
I'm Detective Sergeant Ferguson.
Here's a warrant
to enter your property.
I should tell you,
we're placing you both under arrest
on suspicion
of procuring the execution
of a valuable security by deception.
You do not have to say anything...
'What you've been told so far
in the case for the prosecution...'
seems to make total sense,
doesn't it?
A man, who didn't particularly
like quizzes, arrived on the show,
behaved strangely and won a million.
So something must be wrong.
He must have cheated. Right?
Your Fastest Finger First machine?
You're not serious.
Uh, it's in the garage.
We'll also be wanting a draft copy
of your book, Mrs Ingram.
My book?
I-I-I... It... It's not finished.
I haven't even spell-checked it yet.
And what about our children?
A specially-trained officer
can stay with them,
while you both are...
No. No.
You are under arrest, Mrs Ingram.
But what if I were to tell you
that it's all utter nonsense?
That the three defendants
who allegedly concocted
this elaborate conspiracy
had never even met?
Something that the prosecution
does not dispute.
That the so-called
significant coughs
are only 19 out of a 192 recorded
throughout the night?
Sometimes on the right answers,
sometimes on the wrong answers.
And that there is no way
of knowing that any of them
even came from Mr Whittock?
Could it simply be
that everyone on the show
was waiting for an attack?
For something strange to happen?
And in walks Charles Ingram.
A, yes, eccentric, but actually
quite intelligent army major...
and his fate was set.
I put it to you,
that this is, in fact,
a series of horrible coincidences.
And that Major Charles Ingram
is completely innocent.
Your honour,
here is the case for the defence.
HE COUGHS
OK, good. Good to test them.
How is he? Charles? Is he ready?
Erm...
CHRIS TARRANT:
'Emmerdale. Hollyoaks.
'EastEnders. Coronation Street.'
Emmerdale?
'D, Coronation Street.'
'Coronation Street is
the right answer, well done.'
Oh, bum.
Yeah, no, he's, erm...
He's going to need
all the help he can get.
This way, please.
So this is just a little practice,
before we send you off
to the canteen
for a bite to eat, OK?
Oh, and to warn, we're starting with
a rollover contestant
from yesterday.
So you won't be called upon
until probably
quite a way into the show,
just to, like, manage
your expectations and everything.
Right!
Just a rehearsal!
Fingers on buttons.
Put these Disney films
in order of their release.
A, Little Mermaid.
B, Snow White.
C, Aladdin.
D, Dumbo.
OK, pretty straightforward,
B, D, A, C.
Let's look who was fastest.
Janet! On 6.52 seconds, well done.
And, Charles?
Yeah.
I'm afraid you were last.
Oh, well. It's just nice to be here.
Yeah. Only rehearsal.
Yeah, OK.
OK. Over to you, Rebecca.
Fantastic.
OK, folks, if you'd
like to follow me, please.
He's the husband
of the sister of the brother
who were all here, so...
Oh, Jesus Christ.
But seriously, honestly,
I wouldn't worry,
he's like
Tim-Nice-But-Dim army type,
I doubt he'll even get in the chair.
Terrible in rehearsal
and, so, yeah.
Oh, and his wife did request
an extra ticket, though.
Audience is full, but I could
put them in the overspill?
Fine, wherever.
Don't be so on edge.
I'm gonna be the one in the chair,
hopefully.
I wish you were more on edge,
so I'd know you knew how
nerve-wracking it is out there.
Well, at least we're
getting to spend more time together.
KNOCK ON DOOR
All right.
Of course, yeah.
Right, place these words
of an Agatha Christie novel
in the right order.
Nile, On, Death, The!
And it was, of course,
Death On The Nile.
And who gets to
sit in the chair next?
It's... Charles Ingram!
Well done, Charles.
Are you ready to play
for a million pounds?
Is the Pope a Catholic?
And... hold there!
What did I...?
Oh, don't worry, no, no, no.
It's a lot less continuous
and magic than it is on tele.
Erm, lots of stops and starts.
We're gonna mic your guest up now
and put them
in their seat in the audience.
Who have you brought?
Uh, my wife.
You've met actually,
she played before. Oh, really?
Yes.
Oh, yes!
Hello... again.
OK, folks, here we go. And...
OK, let's play
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
Erm, so, we've seen quite
a lot of the Major's family
on this show, Charles...
First off was his wife,
Diana, who won 32 grand.
Erm, then brother-in-law Adrian,
who won 32 grand, as well.
So it's a matter of
family honour, Charles.
No pressure, then!
No. No. No, no pressure.
What, are you trying to win
a million between you?
LAUGHTER
First question of 15.
"What name is given to a person
"who is against increasing
the powers of the European Union?"
Eurosceptic. Eurostar.
Eurotrash. Eurovision.
It's, erm...
It's Eurosceptic, Chris, yeah.
That's correct.
So for £2,000.
Coronation Street...
CHRIS GUFFAWS
I bet you know this one.
Oh, no, I've never watched it.
Charles, it's been on for 40 years!
I know, I know, I just...
In Coronation Street,
who is Audrey's daughter?
Janice, Gail, Linda, Sally.
Erm, no, it's nothing...
It's nothing, erm...
I'm not getting anything.
Erm, no, it's...
Oh, sorry, sir,
you can't be out here
on the phone, I'm afraid.
Yeah, no, sorry, I'm...
I know, I know, sorry,
I just need to, erm...
Sir, if you don't mind?
Yeah, of course.
Sorry. I was just trying to
get in touch...
'OK, no, I... Yeah.
'I'll have to ask the audience,
Chris.'
Cut to Chris.
'OK, audience.'
She's right. He's an idiot.
'Fingers on keypads.'
Which still begs the question
how he got in the goddamn chair,
but hey-ho,
and all the fun of the fair.
OK!
And 89% say Gail.
Well. Gosh, yeah, OK...
Well, I'll go for B, go for Gail.
Oh, "Where is the River Foyle"?
Erm... Erm...
I think I'm gonna have to, erm...
Oh, dear. Yeah, I'm gonna have to...
phone a friend..
It's all right, that's what
the lifelines are there for.
OK, who are we gonna call, Major?
Erm, Gerald.
OK, let's call Gerald, please.
Where's Gerald?
Erm, South Wales.
PHONE DIALS
PHONE'S DIAL DISTORTS
Mr Pollock, I mean it now,
we'll have to confiscate your phone.
Yeah, all right. OK. OK. Yep, sorry.
This way, sir.
Keep an eye on him.
Is the right answer.
And that takes you to £4,000!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
KLAXON BLARES
Oh, no!
Oh, no! Charles, we're gonna have to
drag you back tomorrow,
along with ten new
Fastest Finger First contestants.
APPLAUSE
Jacob Nixon from Frome!
Charlotte Edmonds from Edinburgh.
Helen McGrath form Broadstairs.
Sorry, darling.
Bloody Coronation Street.
It's OK, we just need to
strategise for tomorrow.
We need to regroup.
Well, I can't be back tomorrow,
I mean, I shouldn't really
be here today, so...
KNOCK ON DOOR
Knock-knock, sorry to interrupt.
Just giving you your hotel details.
Oh, no, I'm really sorry,
but I actually think
we have to get back home tonight.
Back home? Yeah, I've got...
I've got work in the morning.
But you're our rollover contestant.
You're back in the chair tomorrow.
I know, I know,
but we didn't necessarily think
that we would rollover, did we?
No. No.
Well, can't you call in sick?
It's the British Army.
No, you can't call in sick.
I know, but, like...
SHE SCOFFS
..there's no war on, is there?
I mean, I'm joking,
but I'm not really.
We have to have you back here.
We will be back.
I promise, I promise.
But work takes precedence,
I'm so sorry.
Charles, car, five minutes.
Yeah.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Tecwen speaking.
Ah, yes, Tecwen. Hi.
It's, erm, Diana Ingram here.
Erm, Adrian's sister.
Oh. Hello, yes. Diana. Yes.
Oh, my God, fortuitous timing.
You'll never guess what.
Oh, I-I think I can, actually,
you're going to be on the show
tomorrow, I've just heard,
erm, weirdly, I'm here...
at the studio.
Charles, my husband, he's here,
he's going to be
in the chair tomorrow,
for when you're in
the Fastest Finger seats.
Oh, my. What a coincidence.
I know. I know.
So, erm, I just thought
I'd call for a quick chat.
MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
All right?
MUSIC DIES
CLOCK TICKS
HE SIGHS
We're welcoming back Charles,
Major Charles Ingram,
into the chair.
"Morning, Major!"
"Morning, Fawlty!"
So do you have a strategy,
then, Major?
Well, erm... Well, yeah, I do.
I do have a strategy, actually.
I, erm... I was a bit defensive
on the last show,
erm, you know,
talking myself out of answers
that I... frankly,
I should have known and do know
and, erm... So, yeah...
So I'm... I'm...
Yeah, I'm, sort of,
going on the counterattack.
We're going on a counterattack.
Yeah, and basically I'm...
I'm just gonna try and show
a bit more self-commitment.
Well, erm, let's put this strategy
to the test.
Right, Major Charles Ingram,
are you ready to play?
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
This, for £8,000.
Who was the second husband
of Jacqueline Kennedy?
Adnan Khashoggi.
Ronald Reagan.
Aristotle Onassis.
Rupert Murdoch.
All right, we're not expecting
this guy to be in long,
he's two lifelines down,
so make sure we're prepped
for the next.
Roger, roger.
I would have thought...
I would have thought it would be
Aristotle Onassis.
Erm...
Yeah, one...
One of my sub-strategies is...
Oh, my,
we've got sub-strategies now?!
Yeah, yeah,
and sub-sub-strategies.
But one of my sub-strategies
is to take my time
and, erm, list all the...
all the options.
So...
Adnan Kashoggi.
Ronald Reagan.
And Rupert Murdoch.
Aristotle Onassis.
COUGHING
Yeah, yeah, I think...
I'm pretty sure
it's, erm, Aristotle Onassis.
Final answer?
Final answer, yeah.
You didn't have to play.
Well, this new
self-committed Charles
is a wild and crazy man.
That's the correct answer!
OK, so you've got £16,000.
Now for the all-important 32,000.
Who had a hit UK album
with Born To Do It,
released in 2000?
Coldplay.
Toploader.
A1.
Craig David.
Coldplay.
Toploader.
A1.
Craig David.
HE SIGHS
OK, well, erm...
All right?
Yeah.
That major from last night
is nearly up to 32 grand, amazingly.
'I think it's A1.'
He's like a new man today.
'But it could be Toploader.'
Which is also something to do with
a barrel on a rifle.
So... Erm, I've never heard
of Craig David.
Erm...
Erm, I...
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to...
I think I'm gonna have to use
my final lifeline, 50:50.
Computer, take away
two wrong answers,
leave Charles with the right answer
and one remaining wrong answer.
Oh, that's not any easier...
Erm... Urgh.
Do you know what?
I think I'm gonna go for it,
I think I'm gonna go for A1.
CROWD GASP
Final answer?
No.
LAUGHTER
No. Erm...
Craig David...
HE SIGHS
Craig... David.
SHE COUGHS
You know, when... When I'm at home,
erm, and I'm practising,
you know, I guess... I guess...
Well, I guess wrong 80% of the time,
so I think I'm gonna
go with Craig David.
LAUGHTER
Charles, you'd never heard of him
a moment ago?!
No, Craig David. I'm gonna...
Final answer?
Yeah, final answer.
Well, erm, what a show
this is turning into.
Major Charles Ingram was on £16,000.
He didn't have to play
this question.
He said in his own words that
he'd never heard of Craig David.
He went with A1.
And then, because...
Well, I'd rather lost
the plot of his thinking then,
but he changed his mind,
knowing that he would lose £15,000
if he gave the wrong answer.
He went with Craig David,
who he'd never heard of.
Yep.
And that's the right answer!
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Unbelievable.
I don't know how you do that!
I really don't!
Incredible.
HE PANTS
PHONE RINGS
Yes?
Paul. It's David.
It's happening,
I think the thing is happening.
The rollover contestant
from last night,
I think he's cheating.
He...? What, in getting on the show?
No, cheating on the show,
cheating at the actual...
the actual game.
Is the correct answer.
APPLAUSE
How do you...?
You can't cheat the show,
either you know the answer,
or you don't.
Look something isn't right. He's...
Normal people don't play like this.
All right, I'm... I'm coming down.
Yeah, I mean, it's a down payment
on a house, isn't it? So...
So, yeah. Yeah. Holbein.
Holbein.
Final answer?
Final answer.
OK. Erm, first of all,
you thought it was Rembrandt.
Said you'd seen the painting.
You then thought it was Holbein.
You've just won £125,000!
Incredible.
Incredible.
You're just getting better!
OK, something's weird.
How is he doing this?
Yeah, I have no idea.
I mean, you were struggling more
at £200 than you are now.
I-I dunno!
Unbelievable.
HE MOUTHS
Well, Charles, here it is.
A cheque, for a quarter of a...
It sounds strange doesn't it,
..a quarter of a million pounds.
Gosh, you're shaking.
I know, I know, I don't...
I know that, frankly,
you didn't think you'd be able to
equal your wife.
And, frankly, Charles, nor did I.
LAUGHTER
Well, this is real money.
£250,000.
But we don't want to give you that!
This question...
for half a million pounds.
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Baron Haussmann is best known
for the planning of which city?
Rome.
Paris.
Berlin.
Athens.
Think it's Berlin.
LAUGHTER
God!
Yeah, Berlin.
I mean, Haussmann...
You know, seems...
Seems like a German name,
rather than a Italian name,
or a Parisian name,
or an Athens name.
Erm...
Rome.
Paris.
COUGHING
Yeah. Do you know,
I'm gonna, I'm gonna rethink it.
Because I don't...
I don't think it's Athens
and I'm pretty sure it's not Rome.
And I would have thought...
I would have thought it was, erm...
Berlin, but there's a chance
it could be Paris.
COUGHING
Oh, God, no.
You stand to lose £218,000.
Yeah, I think...
I-I think it's Paris.
I'm gonna play.
Right, hang on.
Now, wait, where are we?!
HE COUGHS
No, Paris.
Paris, final answer.
Final answer?
Final answer.
You thought it was Berlin.
"Berlin, Berlin, Berlin".
You changed your mind to Paris...
That's brought you £500,000!
Yes! Yes!
That's unbelievable! Unbelievable!
Incredible.
Oh, shit, the glitter.
Never thought we'd get to
the million-pound question,
but we're at the
million-pound question,
I never prepared the bloody glitter.
Where's the glitter man?
# It's raining men, hallelujah
It's raining men, amen
# It's raining men, hallelujah... #
PHONE RINGS
# Ame-e-e-e-en. #
Well, erm...
It's not often I get to say this.
But...
for £1 million:
The number one,
followed by 100 zeros
is known by what name?
Googol.
Megatron.
Gigabit.
Nanomole.
Well, let's see.
HE EXHALES
Erm, Giga...
Nano...
Oh, God, don't start.
HE STRAINS
Right, OK.
God, I don't... I don't, erm...
Well?
Watch, just watch...
I'm not sure.
However...
LAUGHTER
Charles, you haven't been sure
since question two!
God, I... I think...
I think it's a Megatron.
I have to say, I've...
And I've never heard,
I haven't...
No, I've never heard of a googol.
HE PANTS
Do you know the answer?
Yes, it's googol.
That's what I thought.
Googol.
COUGHING
Googol.
COUGHING
Yeah, I mean, you know,
by process of elimination,
I actually think it is a googol.
But I don't know what a googol is.
LAUGHTER
It's not a gigabit,
a nanomole, or a Megatron
and there's only four of them,
so it must be googol, mustn't it?
I mean...
HE LAUGHS
I mean, I don't mind taking
the odd risk now and again.
CROWD GROAN
My strategy has...
has worked so far.
Chris, I'm gonna play.
CROWD GASP
You know, you don't have to
play this, Charles.
No-one would blame you
if you walked away right now,
with half a million pounds.
Googol.
Final answer?
Final answer.
Catch me when I fall on the floor.
Don't go to a break.
Please, don't go to...
Please, don't go for a break.
We're taking a break.
Oh, God!
CROWD GROAN
Don't go anywhere, I know you won't,
on what is an epic night
in British television.
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, my God.
We should stop it now.
Just stop it.
We can't stop it, we have no proof.
We just, I don't know, just...
HE SIGHS
We have to carry on.
You all right?
Erm, yeah, I just, erm...
I mean, no, not really.
HE CHUCKLES
No!
So you can see, can you, if I've got
the answer right on your screen?
I can.
I'm sure it'll just be
a few seconds.
Thank you.
HE MOUTHS
OK, studio, and...
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
Welcome back.
Wow. Erm, we are here
with Charles Ingram.
Who, after first thinking
it was Megatron,
erm, then played googol
as his final answer.
Even though he'd never heard of it.
Charles?
You've just won £1 million!
One million!
You are the most amazing player
we have ever, ever had!
Diana? Come on down,
my darling, come on.
One million!
£1 million!
I can't believe it.
CHEERING
SHE SOBS
The best player we have ever had!
What a man!
Quite an amazing man.
I have no idea how you did it.
I don't know.
Unbelievable! Unbelievable!
Unbelievable, Diana, my darling,
come here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Charles Ingram.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Right from
Her doorway we roam... #
THEY LAUGH
# Eats and then
It's a pleasure again
# Walkin' my baby... #
"Charles Ingram. One million."
# I don't mean maybe
# Walkin' my baby
# Back home. #
THEY LAUGH
What? What am I listening for?
Just wait. It, erm...
I don't know, I don't know,
just... play VT.
'Googol.'
COUGHING
That, there. Right there.
A cough.
So what?
There's always coughing.
I think... I don't definitely know,
but I think there's,
like, a pattern.
Of what, coughing? From who?
Look, there's gotta
be something, Paul.
Watch last night's tape,
he's useless.
And then, what,
he comes back an utter genius?
Replay VT.
'Googol.'
COUGHING
Turn it up.
'Googol.'
COUGHING
Then he changes his answer.
'By process of elimination,
I actually think it is a googol.
'But I just don't know
what a googol is.'
PHONE RINGS
Hi, Paul?
'Um, hi, Ruth.'
Erm, we've had another millionaire.
Oh. OK, great!
Except...
I think that...
Erm, WE think something's not right.
We think the guy may have cheated.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
What the shitting hell?
BABY GARBLES
Cheeky bastards, who are they?
Are they one of that group
you talked about
getting on the show? Morning.
We don't know,
we just know he's a wrong'un.
Are you OK?
No, I'm not OK,
of course, I'm not OK.
Sorry, sorry,
it's murder on the old...
This is Lionel, from legal.
Coffee? How do you take it?
Oh, just, erm, massive.
Look, before anything else,
the most urgent thing is
whether to air tomorrow's episode,
because if we don't,
then ten million people
are gonna need
something else to watch.
I have a tape on its way,
you can see for yourself.
Well, what about the police?
The police?
Yeah.
Is...? Is this a police...?
Well, it's not... not.
It's theft. It's £1 million.
If this was a bank vault
or a diamond store in Hatton Gardens
there'd be helicopters by now,
roadblocks.
Come in...
Ah, right, see for yourself.
All I'm saying is, is it a crime
to cheat on a game show?
Well, it's... It's... Well...
Stop saying "well", Lionel.
I'm from legal.
It's my job to say "well".
SHE SNEEZES
See for yourselves.
'Do you know what?
'I think I am going to go for it.
I'm gonna go for A1.'
'Final answer?
No.'
LAUGHTER
'No. Erm... A1.
'Craig... David.'
COUGHING
Oh, Jesus, Je-sus.
It's so obvious.
And don't forget that his wife
has already been on the show.
She knows the ins and outs.
'I normally guess wrong
80% of the time...'
Watch now. He changes his answer.
'I think I'm going to
go with Craig David.'
OK, I say we don't air.
Agreed.
We can edit forward to
the next contestant in the chair.
Would you fast forward, please?
Can we do that, is it that simple?
Oh, arse, the glitter on the floor.
Well, if no-one has won,
where did the glitter
just come from? No-one will notice.
Or care.
This is Tecwen Whittock,
from Whitchurch, Cardiff.
Can you stretch out his turn,
make him longer?
It'll be a struggle.
He was erm, nothing special,
you know.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Did you order something?
No.
Oh.
Hello, hello, David Briggs.
Ah, yes, hello, hello.
Hello, this is Ruth Settle.
Hi. Hi, hello. Morning, morning.
Oh, hello.
Oh, hi.
Sleep OK?
If at all, you must be...
Erm... Oh, what's this about?
Oh, it's only to, erm...
It's just to work out
the next few days.
The angle, the coverage.
So your press conference,
we thought, because of question 12
for 125,000,
The Ambassadors is a painting
by which artist?
The... What, the Holbein?
The Holbein. Well done, correct!
We are thinking of hosting it there,
in front of the painting. Ah, right.
But you...
You did keep changing your mind
a lot, didn't you?
Well, actually, that was to
explain my thinking to the audience,
so I wasn't just, you know,
sat there like a muppet.
It's, erm, probably just that,
don't you think?
What's "probably" what?
Actually, erm, Diana mentions
all these tips in her book
that she's writing with her brother
about the show.
What? It'll help publicise it,
won't it? Being a winner.
You're writing a book?
Oh, just a little stocking filler.
With hints and things
about how to get onto the show,
how to play, just a few things
that we've picked up
from this community of fans,
that's all.
Gosh, that...
That sound really helpful.
I wouldn't mention that
to the press yet. No.
We'll... We'll have an embargo
until the show airs.
We have to handle everything...
delicately.
Guilty as sin.
THEY GRUMBLE
Bollocks. Look,
they are quiz obsessive, they're...
They are fans of the show,
so they're a bit much,
but apart from that.
Watch the tape. Play her the tape.
Oh, and she's, erm,
writing a book, the wife,
like, erm, an expose of the show.
She what?!
Oh, my God... It's just a tiny,
little stocking filler.
Look, I just come off the phone
from some of our guys at the studio
who are investigating all possible,
you know, and...
And they have gone into the car park
with some sort of radio receiver
and they're saying it's possible
to listen in to the show relay
from outside?
David, do we not
scramble that signal?
Why would we scramble the signal?
How do you scramble a signal?
What's this now? The relay?
I'm just saying that
hypothetically, someone,
maybe someone from this...
this... this group
could listen in to the show
from outside.
And how would that help them?
To hear the questions!
Look up the answers
and communicate back in.
To who? The person in the chair?!
Maybe! I don't know!
Or someone in the audience,
with a mobile phone.
We don't allow mobile phones
in the studio.
Yeah, but do we check?
Course we check.
Do we check?
No. Course we don't check,
how would we check?
You don't search the audience?
Let's get it all out now, shall we?
After the horse has bolted.
This is all just happening
this morning.
Right, it's a game show!
It's not Fort Knox!
Whoa, wait, are we saying that
it's not someone coughing, then?
It could be the coughing.
It's definitely the coughing.
Either way, I'm calling the police.
Who would you even call?
Like, which, like, branch?
I'll text my person
to look up for IP.
Hold on, have they have even
cashed the cheque yet?
Wait, have...?
Have we cancelled the cheque?
I don't know. I mean...
I mean, no, we haven't
cancelled the cheque,
I've been at the...
Lionel. Should we cancel the cheque?
I'm just thinking, we might need
to wait for them to cash the cheque
for it to be stealing.
No, no, no, if we do that,
that would be entrapment,
surely, by us?
Yeah, but if they cash the cheque,
do we have to sue them
to get it back?
Am I cancelling the cheque,
or aren't I?! Well...
No, I just don't see it.
Don't you hear it?! The coughing.
Is that how loud it actually was?
Yes.
Well... No, we've isolated them
a bit, for you to hear...
Listen, you can hear the coughs
at the right answers.
Yeah, and I can hear the coughs
on the wrong answers!
Here. These are the people
at Scotland Yard to call,
it's something called the
Celebrity Crimes Squad or something,
I don't know. Really?
Sounds like a shit detective show.
Yeah, sounds like
something we'd make. Wow.
Wait, I'm confused,
what are we saying to them?
That this is... There's more people?
That this is part
of a bigger... conspiracy?
All I'm saying is we don't know
how many people
were outside helping,
inside, helping him.
Yeah, but you can't pack the place
out with people that you know.
You only get the one ticket.
Actually...
Actually, on the first night,
the Ingram's did have
someone else there.
Diana's brother.
The brother... was there...?
Yeah.
God dammit!
I'm calling the police.
'What a man!'
'A major disaster is occurring
in New York City this afternoon.'
Wait a sec...
what is that?
'World Trade Centre is on fire.
'Early indications are
that a Boeing 747 out of Boston
'collided with the tower at 1:46 PM
this afternoon, 8:46 AM CET.'
Is that live?
It must be..
'Eye witness reports are coming in
that the plane banked sharply
'and made a direct hit at around
the 80th floor of the building.
'More as we have it.
Thank you, Nicholas.
'As you can imagine, there is chaos
in the streets of downtown New York.
'All major buildings are being
evacuated in the area
'surrounding the World Trade Centre.
'There's been a second collision,
possibly another plane goes...'
Are you OK? Just awful.
Yeah. Puts it all in perspective,
doesn't it?
I haven't even told the chaps about
our win yet, all seems a bit...
Actually there was a message
for you from Celador
when I got back from school.
I don't know if you... Right.
OK, well, life goes on, eh?
Yeah.
I love you.
I love you.
Give me that number.
Detective Sergeant Sam Ferguson
from the Special Inquiry Unit,
this is my colleague,
Detective Constable Amir Cave.
You rang.
Well, I don't think any of us
expected you to come today,
given the, erm...
Yeah.
Terrible thing. But...
crimes still need solving.
So, we've been brought up
to speed by Mr...
PHONE RINGS
Oh, excuse me. This'll be him.
Hello, Paul Smith?
Paul, hello.
It's Charles Ingram here,
I was just on your show.
Charles, thank you for calling back.
Erm, so I have to tell you...
that we have suspicions from viewing
the recording of Monday's programme
and subsequently studying
the tapes carefully,
that there were irregularities
during the taping of the show
in which you participated.
Oh, Good Lord, no.
Because of that I have to tell
you that these suspicions...
THEY MUTTER
..have been referred to the police.
Right. And thus we will not,
for the moment,
be airing the programme, or indeed
authorising payment of the cheque.
Right.
Yeah. Well, I mean, you know...
..I completely refute that,
obviously.
All right.
Good Lord.
Well, goodbye.
Goodbye.
Police? You're an army major.
I'm a teaching assistant.
People like us don't deal with
the police, this is Wiltshire.
It's what he said.
I sort of... told our book publisher
about your win
and they've set up this
photo and interview thing
for this Sunday. I know
the Millionaire people said not to,
but the publishers
said it was too good not to.
For the book... Well, there won't
be a book, will there, if...?
I bet it wasn't the publishers
who said that, I bet it was Adrian.
I bet you've been speaking to him.
Have you spoken to Adrian again?
How? If he's on the run? On the run!
As if that's a normal sentence
for a normal person to say!
I'm a commissioned officer in the
British Army. There are standards.
DOG WHINES
Come along, Buffy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How do we know that it was Celador?
That it was Paul Smith you spoke to?
It was, I returned his call,
on the number they left you...
Yes, I know,
but how do we know it's not a hoax.
Someone in the community,
taking the mickey.
What...? Maybe that's what they do
to everyone, everyone who wins.
It's not a mickey-take, Diana.
Well, it's a bit over the top,
isn't it?
Call it back again, that number.
No. I'm not gonna call it.
I want to hear it.
No, I'm not gonna call it back.
Then I'll do it.
Diana!
Hello. Erm, this is... Diana Ingram.
Hello. Hi, erm, yes,
we received a phone call
from this number earlier
and, well, it occurred to us
that we didn't know
whether it was real, or not.
No, erm, no.
No, I'm afraid it was real.
This... This is Paul Smith.
Yes, but how do we know?
It could be a wind-up. Or the press.
Erm...
Well...
Erm... O-OK.
Erm, why don't you call back again
and I won't answer this time,
it'll take you through to my
extension answering machine message.
And you'll hear that this is me,
and... and this is Celador.
And that... that this is no wind-up,
Mrs Ingram.
OK.
PHONE DIALS
'Hello, you've reached
Paul Smith at Celador.
'Leave a message and I'll get
back to you when I can, thanks.'
MESSAGE TONE BEEPS
HE CLEARS THROAT
We're doing that press interview.
You won that money. It's yours.
So let's tell people.
We'll need to make a statement.
They're cheats!
I just can't get my head round it.
That terribly nice major,
a criminal mastermind? Bollocks.
You really didn't notice anything?
Well I-I suppose
you've a lot going on.
Yeah, but I'd hope
that I'd have done this enough
to notice if someone
is trying to steal a million quid
two feet in front of me, Paul.
You all right?
You look ragged.
I feel upset, actually.
This... Well, this is our thing,
it's our baby.
No-one will dare try
anything like this again
after all this, don't you worry.
Who the hell was coughing?
So what I'm gonna show you
is what we've edited together
of the show so far
from the different angles.
Play VT.
'Googol.'
COUGHING
That cough there, then.
Can you ascertain
where it came from?
Not the individual, no,
we don't mic up
every audience member.
But we've got different mic tracks
covering different areas
of the studio.
Now that particular cough.
That came from
the Fastest Finger mic, stage right.
Play tape C.
One of these five, sat here.
I'm Detective Sergeant Ferguson.
Here's a warrant
to enter your property.
I should tell you,
we're placing you both under arrest
on suspicion
of procuring the execution
of a valuable security by deception.
You do not have to say anything...
'What you've been told so far
in the case for the prosecution...'
seems to make total sense,
doesn't it?
A man, who didn't particularly
like quizzes, arrived on the show,
behaved strangely and won a million.
So something must be wrong.
He must have cheated. Right?
Your Fastest Finger First machine?
You're not serious.
Uh, it's in the garage.
We'll also be wanting a draft copy
of your book, Mrs Ingram.
My book?
I-I-I... It... It's not finished.
I haven't even spell-checked it yet.
And what about our children?
A specially-trained officer
can stay with them,
while you both are...
No. No.
You are under arrest, Mrs Ingram.
But what if I were to tell you
that it's all utter nonsense?
That the three defendants
who allegedly concocted
this elaborate conspiracy
had never even met?
Something that the prosecution
does not dispute.
That the so-called
significant coughs
are only 19 out of a 192 recorded
throughout the night?
Sometimes on the right answers,
sometimes on the wrong answers.
And that there is no way
of knowing that any of them
even came from Mr Whittock?
Could it simply be
that everyone on the show
was waiting for an attack?
For something strange to happen?
And in walks Charles Ingram.
A, yes, eccentric, but actually
quite intelligent army major...
and his fate was set.
I put it to you,
that this is, in fact,
a series of horrible coincidences.
And that Major Charles Ingram
is completely innocent.
Your honour,
here is the case for the defence.
HE COUGHS