Quiz (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

REPORTERS: ..Southwark Crown Court
where Charles Ingram...

Army Major Charles Ingram
and his wife Diana

arriving at court today
to face the cameras.

Inside, Ingram is to hear claims

that he teamed up
with a coughing accomplice,

alleged to be
college lecturer Tecwen Whittock,

to cheat his way
to the £1 million jackpot

on ITV's hit quiz show,
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

CLAMOURING

Oh, hello.

I believe we're charged with
co-conspiracy.



It's nice to meet you both

at last.

Yes, the accused look,
and to all intents and purposes, are

respectable middle-class,
middle-aged,

middle England men and women.

At the end of the day,
this was just a game.

A television quiz show
enjoyed by millions,

but creating in a select few

this unhealthy obsession

that spilled over
into an audacious heist.

Who wanted to be a millionaire?

My God, these three certainly did.

You are facing a 50-50,

guilty or not guilty.



The Crown believes the answer
to be self-evident.

They are guilty as charged.

REPORTER: Today, one home in three
throughout the British Isles

sits spellbound several hours a day
before a magic cube.

A new public service
is about to be launched

over the rooftops of old London.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen,
a holiday of a lifetime.

You've won a marvellous
14-day holiday for two.

You've got a radiogram
and a nice easy chair to sit on.

Bern is the capital of...
Switzerland.

Edinburgh.
Scotland.

This wonderful microwave oven and a
superb range of kitchen equipment.

Let's play Bullseye.

For £50. Who was beaten
by Martina Navratilova

in the 1987 finals?
Steffi Graf.

APPLAUSE
Welcome to Mr and Mrs.

We've got two happily married
couples back there,

ready and willing to hand over
their nuptials to me.

It's nice to see you, to see you...

AUDIENCE: Nice!

Hi, sir.

David Liddiment. I start today.

What department?

Uh... I think, uh...

Well, I suppose all of them.
I'm the new Director of Programmes.

Oh! Stand by your beds,
best behaviour, new boss is here.

God, I hate changes of leader.

And them wanky new ideas.

David! Claudia.
Head of Entertainment.

Hi.
Claudia, hi. How are you?

Surprise, surprise,
it's Claudia who gets to him first.

You look...
I look... I look like hell.

Just had baby number two,
that's my excuse, anyway, so...

Uh... Time for a quick catch-up?

Walk and talk?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm interested in events.

Event television.

Why do the BBC always trounce us
in the big stuff?

Diana's funeral
a couple of weeks ago,

one of the most watched programmes
in TV history,

and obviously, tragic as that was,
goes without saying... Tragic.

..people still want to
gather as a nation

to experience
something big together.

I'm just not sure the classic light
entertainment of old fits into that.

OK.

Well, we've always gotten
our game show formats from America.

So time for something new.

No, time to invent our own.

The classic TV game show can be

the must-see TV thingy
that you're looking for.

I'm not just saying that
to save my department's skin.

Claudia, I've got Martin Bashir
coming in this morning to discuss...

Very important, but if you just
let me bring some people in...

I have one. I think I have one.

It's an old one.
The last gaffer rejected it.

Brilliant. Why is it an event?

Because they're going to give away
£1 million.

The idea then would be that the
higher up the mountain you climb,

the more your time would deplete,
the way that oxygen might deplete.

No. Stop trying to complicate it.

It's simple. Questions and answers.

Paul, for crying out...
This isn't 1955.

Everyone else is making shows where
you spy on strangers in a house

or throw them out of helicopters.
Yeah. Crap. Desperate.

This is the show
we're going to pitch.

Re-pitch.

We could set it on actual mountain.

Well, like a little one.

Like in...

Wales or...

Look, right, I'm with Paul.

It's what we did
on the radio show with Chris.

Answer a question,
you get it right, you double it,

so you keep doubling,
so the higher up you go,

the more you can earn,
but the more you can lose.

People love it.

But the networks don't.

That's why they all
turned it down the first time.

Fusty old game show.

It's not a game show, it's a quiz.

That's the joy of it.

People love a good pub quiz.

A uniquely British invention
combining our two greatest loves,

drinking and being right.

Nope. Fine.
You write it down, then.

Ever the teacher, you do it.

That's not how you spell that.
Question three.

The Living Room War was the nickname

given to which conflict

perceived to be the first truly
televised war of the 20th century?

Suez?
Korean?

Maybe it is Suez.
No, it was too early,

we didn't have a TV during Suez.

Vietnam. It's Vietnam.

Are you sure, Dad?

Uh... Who here got down
to the last four on Fifteen To One,

toughest show on television?

Vietnam.

Diana. Diana?

Telephone. Diana.

Guess who for 12 points.

"I say, darling, is that the time?
Deary me.

"In the army,
one must always be on time.

"Golly."

Oi! No phone calls. Cheating.

I'm not cheating. We don't cheat.

Charles, it's Tuesday,

pub quiz night, my one night...

No, hello, darling. No, no, no,
I'm not asking you to come home,

it's just that Polly wants you to
hear her piano piece before bedtime.

She's got all the way through
the first bit.

I'll hold the phone out.
One second. One sec.

Go. Go.

PLAYS 'AIR ON THE G STRING'
BY BACH

Question four, in which country was
the Rosetta Stone found in 1799?

That's all I've got.

That's all she's got.

That's all she's gotten.

That's all for now, darling.

Oh, well, tell her well done.
I'll be home soon.

Lots of love.
Next question...

It's exciting!

Brand-new school,
new children, new friends.

It's just memorising all the names.

They'll need a system.

Can you call the landlord tonight
about the boiler?

Last thing we needed
was cold showers this morning. Sure.

You feeling all right today?
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

It's a bit of a step down, isn't it,
training other officers?

Well, it's a step around.
It's a step different.

It's nice to be near your dad
and Adrian, isn't it?

Yes, although you should have
seen him last night,

so competitive, he drives me crazy.

But you're quite competitive too
in a lovely way.

Nothing wrong with
a bit of ambition, Charles.

So, it's multiple choice,

which has never been done
on telly before, ever,

and you get to see the question
and four possible answers

before you decide to play.

Right, so it's easier, then?

No, if anything,
it adds to the torment.

And there's no clock,
they get as long as they want.

Well, where's the tension?

Because we're watching people
potentially

making life-changing decisions.

And we'll just sit there
and watch them go through it all,

the whole gamut of emotions,
waiting.

And then there's also the matter of

the largest game show prize
in the history of television.

Right, yeah,
so you're gonna bankrupt us all.

Oh, there's nothing to worry about.

It would take a very unique sort of
person to risk going all the way.

That fear is built into the show.

Well, let's try it.
Play it with you.

Now.

Sure, why not? Love a game.

And we thought,
to make things more real,

you could put your own money in.

£250, say?

For the psychology, you know.

Oh, you did, did you?

Right. Yeah.

You think I just carry £250
around with me?

Certainly close. 230.

Claudia, do you have, um...

What, you want me to put in...
20 quid, I'm putting in 230.

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Let's play...

# Dooo...

What was that?

That's the..

the lights going down.

Something along that.

OK. Question one,

what would an aborigine do
with his wurlie?

Would he, A, eat it,

B, hunt with it,

C, play it,

D, live in it?

Now, you have three
Helping Hands or something...

We're working on...

You can phone a friend,
you can halve it,

so there's a 50-50 chance,
or you can ask the audience.

Right, the halve it option.

C, play it,

or D, live in it.

Sod it, live in it.

Is the right answer.

Oh! Yes!
Double.

You know, I...

I really thought it was that one.
Yeah.

Question three,
who was the reigning monarch

when Britain lost the war
of independence with America?

Was it...
George II. George III.

No, no, George II.

Right, do...
George III.

Do you want the options?

Yeah, give me the options.

Question four. Now, this is
to double your money again,

or you lose it all.
Mm-hm.

In feet, what is the length
of the Titanic,

663,

773,

883,

993?

SIGHS

Well, I'll, um...

I'll use my last life boat.

Helping Hand, although,
actually, that's...

Anyway, uh... Ask the audience.

They'd each be given
a keypad to vote.

Why don't you just ask them
out there, if you like,

as a sort of audience?
OK.

Oi! Listen, everyone, a sec.

Uh...

How long is the Titanic in feet?

Is it, uh...
What were the bloody options again?

663.
663.

773.
773.

883.
Yeah, I've got it now, thanks.

883 or 993.

Well, come on, the great
and the good, have a guess.

Right, well, you're all fired.

Bloody useless.

I'll stick.

Keep my money.

Yeah.

Yeah, there is something in it,

but...

if people do win more than
we get from the phone lines,

we're screwed.

I'll go halves on the risk with you.

With ITV.

I'll absorb 50%
of the liability myself.

I want a pilot

and we'll see.

Don't worry, in for a penny,
in for a...

million pounds.

I, uh...

need to go and have a very awkward
conversation with my wife.

It'll be fine.

Fine.

Let's just hope the first people
to phone in for the show are...

well, idiots.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

HUMS ALONG

I hope you're finding it
peaceful here, Major Ingram.

Beautiful part of the world
of course, Wiltshire.

Lovely walks.
Absolutely. Yes.

Plenty of space for the kids
to, um...

And we have a cat now. Uh...

for the family to...

Well, yeah, so...
And you were in Bosnia?

Yes, sir.

Please.
Oh, thank you.

Bit of a gear shift, though,
desk work.

Well, I wanted a bit more normality,
I suppose, for my family,

and I'd, um...

I'd seen it with my own,
you know.

When I was growing up,
my father in the air force

and my brother in the navy,
and, uh...

Although... Well, my mother does
something altogether different,

she designs sets for plays.

Ah, the theatre. My, my.

And you were never tempted
to tread the boards yourself?

No, no, God, no.
Military life's a much better fit.

It's, uh...

Yeah, well, it's wholly away
from the limelight, isn't it?

A uniform anonymises you

and puts you in the service for
something else, something greater.

Still, doesn't mean one can't enjoy

a bit of the old
theatrical razzmatazz, eh?

# I am the very model
Of a modern Major General...

Gilbert and Sullivan.

My other used to play it for us
on the piano.

# I know the kings of England and
I quote the fights historical...

BOTH: # From Marathon to Waterloo
In order categorical

Yeah.

# I'm very well acquainted too
With matters mathematical

# I understand equations
Both the simple and quadratical

# About binomial theorem
I am teaming with a lot o' news

# With many cheerful facts
About the square of the hypotenuse

# I'm very good at integral...
# I know our mythic history...

# I answer hard acrostics...

Oh, dear, no.

What's gone wrong?
We're on different verses.

I think you jumped
to the King Arthur bit.

Well, that is the next bit,
isn't it? I don't think it...

But it doesn't matter,
we can go from your verse if...

No, no, the moment's gone now.

CHUCKLES
Blimey.

Maybe I should be paying
for lunch, then.

Oh, Chris, don't be silly.

My treat. You've put
your own house on the line, Paul.

Is this a game show
or a Mafia racket?

It's fine.

As long as we get the revenue,
which we will,

from people phoning in,
which they will.

Otherwise YOU, Paul Smith,
have to put your own money...

I mean, if someone...

A million quid, my God.

Not if you, Chris Tarrant,
agree to present the show.

A guaranteed hit.

People will love it.

You can sign them a cheque yourself.
Your name.

Oh, me?

So I'm liable now too?

As a gesture, that's all.

Look, we'll film a pilot,
test the idea.

At least do that.

Come on, how can you not want
to be a part of this?

It'll be...

fun.

# You take me over the rainbow
And up to Cloud Nine

# I'm flying high
Like a bird in the sky... #

APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Cash Mountain.

OK, contestants...

Go tighter.
Stand by...

'You will hear three beeps.

'After the third beep,
four possible answers will appear.

'The fastest
to select the right answer

'will be next in our hot seat
to play for £1 million.'

OK, here we go.
Tighter, OK.

Which of these countries
has a Union Jack on its flag?

'Four possible answers.'

Look, before you say anything,
I know.

I'm holding my hands up.

The pilot looks a mess.

The design is all wrong.
Mess is a bit harsh, but it's too...

Happy clappy.

It's too Saturday night,
jazz hands, it's all tits and teeth.

Can we still say tits and teeth?

But we'll find it, David, trust us.

Please. Something harder, darker.
For the drama.

We want the audience to be...

All right, listen. Listen.

This is Jeff, our scheduler.

Schedule. You...

What do you mean?
Do you mean that we're on?

We're gonna try and strip it.

Lift seven days
out of our autumn schedule

and run it every night for a week
at peak times.

Event television.

Strip a game show?

Peak times, same time
every night of the week?

There's something in it.

In the DNA of the game.

Watching it.

It's really exciting.

But yes, it looks shit right now,
so fix that,

and fast. Oh, and the title's crap.

It needs a new name.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God! Oh, my... Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

Ha-ha-ha!

Whoo! Ah!

Drama.

Tension.

Drama in-built into everything.

Including the chair.

Remember, um...

Mastermind?

That set was designed
by a chap

who had been interrogated
by the Gestapo.

I want audio speakers
inside the seat,

vibrating with heavy sound,

pulsating up through the contestant.

Gah-gung, gah-gung, OK?

Next, the lights.

Darker.

WHISTLING
'WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE'

# Who wants to be a millionaire?

I do.

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome
to tonight's edition

of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

All you have to do
is call this number.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,
Thursday at eight, ITV.

CAR PULLS UP

Come on, it's about to start!
What's about to start?

That new quiz show that's been
plastered everywhere. Adrian's here.

Adrian, your brother?
I thought it was our night in.

Oh, sorry, it's just a thing
that we do together, that's all.

Come on, it's fun.

Hello.

Adrian?

Um... I brought pizza.
We already have pizza.

Your message said, "No pizza."
Yes, "No pizza."

Yes, as in, "We don't have any
pizza, no pizza, so bring pizza."

No, no. "Pizza, we already have lots
of pizza, don't bring pizza."

Stop saying pizza!

We're about to make
television history.

For the first time on UK TV, we have
a top prize available of £1 million.

'And it could be won here tonight.

'No tricks, no traps.

Contestants can leave here tonight
with big cash prizes.

Two, tight in.

Four, pull back.

I'm gonna take the money, Chris.

Just there.

God. SO dull.

APPLAUSE

It gives me SO much pleasure

to give you a cheque for £64,000!

Come on.
Why isn't it taking off yet?

Where's the bloody tension?

It's fine. It's fine, Paul,
it just needs bedding in.

Be patient.

As Graham leaves
with 64,000 smackeroonies.

Good heavens. £64,000.

That's ridiculous.

Shh, yes, we know.

Come on.

I'm not sure yet, you know.

This all seems a bit dramatic.

Let's see who got there quickest.

The next fastest finger
is Rachel Da Costa!

Come on, come on.

'So, Rachel, what would you do
if you won £1 million?'

I would clear all mine
and my fiance's debts,

sort out our business,
buy a house and get married.

'You could get married
tomorrow morning.'

The business isn't in a situation
where we could do it at the moment.

God, bless her.

Well, you are only 15 questions
away from winning £1 million,

'so let's play...'
Just insane.

For £100...

For £1,000...

For £8,000...

Oh, uh... Humphrey Bogart's
cafe owner in Casablanca is...

Sam, isn't it? "Play it again, Sam."

No. Common misconception.

It's Rick.

Definitely, the cafe owner.

Rick.
When did you last see it?

I've never seen it, but, you know,

you learn things,
encyclopaedias, books.

Might be nice to actually watch
the films now and again.

Don't have the time.
Yeah, yeah, tricky.

'I'll go for Rick.
'Is the correct answer!

'You've just won £8,000!'

For £16,000,

which English county
has a border with only one other?

Devon,

Norfolk,

Cornwall,

Kent?

God, look, she's shaking.

Why?
Cos she wants to get married.

Phone my dad.
Your dad?

LAUGHTER

PHONE DIALLING TONE

'Hello?'

Jack, uh... it's Chris Tarrant here.

'Hello.'
Hello, Jack.

We've got your daughter
live on the show.

She has £8,000.

That wedding's getting
a little bit closer,

but she's not quite there yet...

Move in closer.

Closer.

..so no pressure.
'I understand.'

The next voice you hear
will be Rachel's.

Rachel, talk to your dad.

Which English county
has a border with only one other?

Devon, Norfolk, Cornwall, or Kent?

I have no idea.

GROANING

Oh, my God.

'I'm sorry, Rachel,
I can't help you on geography.

'Um... Give me again.'

Devon, Norfolk, Cornwall or Kent.

'Devon, Norfolk...'

Dad, help me.

'Take the eight grand, Rachel.'

I'll take the money.

Oh. Let's give her a big hand,
ladies and gentlemen.

£8,000!

APPLAUSE

I mean, £8,000
is a very large amount of money.

That wedding just got
a little bit closer.

Oh, Dad!

Uh...

Just before you go,

uh... suppose you had answered,

what would your answer have been?

Cornwall.

GROANING

Pfft!
HE LAUGHS

Oh, Rachel.
It's not funny.

I'm sorry.
You would have won £16,000.

I'm sorry, but look,
what am I saying?

Oh, my goodness.

It works.

Oh, grow a pair, would you?

We've got a hit on our hands.

Ha-ha!

Well, if you want to be
in with a chance to play,

all you have to do
is call this number.

PHONES RING

PHONE RINGS

All right, Claudia. Hit me.

Hit you?
Kiss you, marry you, more like.

We got 9 million.

9 million viewers!

PHONES RING

Nothing to say
you can't try more than once.

'Hello.'
Hello.

'Hello and welcome to Celador
and the Who Wants To Be...'

Hello and welcome
to tonight's edition of...

Paul Smith.
16 million.

Walking away with a cheque for
£8,000!

£64,000!

£125,000.
Oh, my God.

I'm going on!
I'm going on the show!

Oh, my gosh!
Bravo!

How many times did you have to call?

I don't know.

50, maybe? Anyway, and you can talk.

Anyway,

do you wanna be my guest?

HE LAUGHS

194 calls I made to get here.

Arm and a leg it's costing me.

Well, that's nothing.
I did over 300.

You just need a system, that's all.

Not willy-nilly.

Did you know that they publish
the call volumes

on the website?
Website.

Yes. You know, a few of us fans

are starting to share
a little bit of intel.

You know, information
here and there.

If you're serious about this,
and you have to be serious.

I'm serious. Uh...

We're serious.

What?

I could give you the number
of someone who...

sort of...

helps quiz fans onto the show.

CHRIS TARRANT: 'Put these days of
the week into alphabetical order.'

Sunday, Wednesday, Monday, Thursday.

And the person who was fastest was

Maggie Pierce in four seconds!

Well done, my darling. Come on up!

APPLAUSE

And the winner is...

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

CHEERING

19 million.

19 million!

'That's one third
of the population, Paul.'

Thank you, Claudia.

Paul!

Reception just said
the Americans are here.

Jesus Christ, it's ABC,

which is Disney.

It's owned by Disney.

Basically, Mickey Mouse
is coming up the stairs.

Could you just...

a little cool.

Mr Smith.

No, he didn't. He actually knelt?

No, he did. He knelt on the floor.

We've just sold entertainment
to the Americans.

That is entertainment
to the Americans.

The Americans!

Hey-hey!

'The game show
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

'has now been sold to multiple
territories in the US.

'CEO Michael Eisner said,

' "Who knew that the fate of ABC

' "would be saved by
a little British game show?"

'It's helped the ABC network

'leap from fourth in the ratings war
in the United States to first.

'The millionaire show,

'which has attracted audiences
of 19 million in the UK,

'where it's presented
by Chris Tarrant...'

'Hello.'

Hello. Paddy Spooner?

Mr Spooner.

You weren't followed?
You came alone?

Alone? No, you didn't say to come
alone, I've brought my kids.

You what?

I've got my kids outside.

You've brought your bloody kids.

Do you know who I am?

You're Paddy Spooner.

You got in the chair three times,

even though the rules say you can
only sit in the hot seat once.

No, three different versions.

Three countries.

Australia, Ireland, UK.

They don't check.

There's a lot they don't check.

I've been working with some people.

An underground, sort of, community
has sprung up.

Fans of the show that have grown
into an unlikely resistance

in the quiet little villages
of England.

The perfect place
to plan our attack.

Um... Attack what?

The show, of course.

Breaking into the show.

In the world of quizzing,

the man who has the questions
may be king,

but the man who has all the answers

is God.

To the nearest metre,
how long is the Humber Bridge?

..is the Mississippi River?
..the Titanic?

Of the thousands of people
that call the hotline,

the show selects
a random 100 numbers

to call back with a question

that's all but impossible
to get exactly right.

How many months in total
did Queen Victoria reign for?

Months?

Oh, heck.

What the makers hadn't predicted was

that people would do
what they tend to do.

Hello, Paddy? It's Maggie.
'Talk to each other.'

The "closest to" question is...

The damn fools are using
the same "closest to" questions

in rotation time and again.

All you need is a network.

Or...

as we call ourselves,

The Syndicate.

So, first trick is,
when you get the call back,

pretend you're not who you are.

Pretend you're not in.

This gives us time to prepare.

PUTS ON DIFFERENT VOICE:
Hi. I'm afraid Adrian Pollock

won't be in until later tonight.

Could you call back then?

They always say yes,

then you call me.
Hello, Paddy?

And I...

mobilise.

And if you know
of any other potential clients

that live too far away for me,

I can always dispatch
a separate Syndicate member

from one of my regional hubs.

How many months in total
did Queen Victoria reign for?

I'm going to say 780.

Once you're in the chair,

there's a final
highly bespoke service

that we offer

on your Phone A Friend.

There's a room..

KNOCK AT DOOR
..in London where we gather.

The finest pub quizzers in the land

secretly, silently, in solidarity.

Now, you give the producers

one of a dozen special numbers
we have around the country,

all diverted here,

to this one phone.

I want to phone a friend.

All right. Uh... Who you gonna call?

My cousin Geoffrey.

'Geoffrey? It's Chris Tarrant here
from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Yes?
'I've got your cousin Maggie here.

'I hope you're sat quiet and alone.

'The next voice you hear
will be Maggie's.

'Geoffrey, which chemical element
is named...'

All we ask is a modest 25%.

Ah.

Well, I...

I'm grateful for all the hints
and tips and things,

but I'm not sure whether
I would need such...

Well, your services.

I'm sure that when the time comes,

you will make the right call.

And the person who was fastest
was Owen Masters in 4.2 seconds.

THUNDER RUMBLES

'Put these vegetables in order of
size from smallest to biggest.

'Onion, Brussels sprout,
cabbage, pea.'

OK, let's see who got it right
in the fastest time.

It's Shelley Price in 3.1...

5.6. Not good enough.

Again.

'And the person who was fastest
was Gus Colley in 4.5 seconds.'

APPLAUSE

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Camera one.

Right. This is Adrian Pollock.
We've seen him before.

It's his fourth time
in the Fastest Finger seat.

Fourth? How? Wait, what?

Yeah, I know, something's up.
I thought everyone is chosen random.

And yet, there he is.

Well, a coincidence, then,
let's hope.

Yeah, but is it me, or have they
all started to look a bit...

the same?

All a bit white and well-to-do,

middle classy and Southerny and...

'Adrian Pollock from Wiltshire.'

..white.

We'll have to tell Chris, cos it'll
be weird if he doesn't mention it.

It's four times.

He won't be happy.

Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

'Half of ten, third of nine,
quarter of eight, fifth of five.'

Who's the fastest?
Adrian Pollock in 4.3 seconds.

Well, at least he can only
play the actual game once,

so we'll never have to
see him again.

You ready to play for £1 million?

Yeah.
Come on, then.

So, um... you won't believe this,

but this is actually Adrian's
fourth time in the studio,

but his first time in the chair.

You've been here more than I have.

LAUGHTER
Well, you know,

some people wanna jump out of planes
and I just...

This is what I want to do.

You're a strange, sad, little man.

LAUGHTER

For 64,000, in the US and Canada,

Labor Day is celebrated
in which month?

You've used your 50-50, you've
just got left May or September.

I will use my Phone A Friend.

All right. Who you gonna call?

Actually, um...

Actually, uh...

I was going to, um...

I'd quite like to call my dad.

Arthur.

We, uh... Well, quizzes are
a family thing, you know.

PHONE RINGS

I bet it's him.
Oh, my God.

Must be in the chair. Oh, my God.

You ready?

Is Uncle Adrian
going to be a millionaire?

'Hello.'

Well, you have to be really clever
for that, so we'll see.

The most extraordinary thing
has happened.

You remember your son, Adrian?

Well, he's finally made it into the
chair, but he does need your help.

Now, the next voice you hear
will be Adrian's.

Adrian, you've got 30 seconds.

Go.

Hi, Dad. In the USA and Canada,

Labor Day is celebrated
in which month?

Is it May or September?

Um...

I think...

May.

'If I had to guess.'

How sure are you?

Ooh...

50%.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, Dad.

When's Labor Day in America?

September, Dad.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, dear.

What a shame.

It's 32 grand, it's great.

Thing is...

The thing is...

it doesn't quite cover the, uh...

debts that the business is running
at the moment and I, uh...

Debts? You...

You don't normally have debts,
why didn't you say?

Yeah, it's just this
dot-com bubble nonsense and...

I really thought I had a chance
in that chair, you know.

I mean, I invested a lot!

What are you talking about?

Holy mother of God.

Adrian, what the...

What is this?

Behold,

the game changer.

I made it. Fastest Finger First.

To practice on.

I don't know what to say.

Is this cheating?

Certainly feels like cheating.
No, it's giving an advantage.

To myself.

And now to you, Diana.

To carry on where I left off.

But why would she want
anything to do with it? Thank you.

Mr Pollock!

Adrian Pollock?

Yes?

When I saw you'd been on
four times, I thought, no.

That's not luck,
that's something else.

Yeah, but how did you find me?

Electoral register, simple enough.

Yeah, see, that...
that's a bit creepy.

Yeah. I have to get on.

I don't know how,
I don't know why, this...

COUGHS

..this impulse took over me,
but it's just in me.

I have to.

Please, please help me.

I heard tell amongst the...

the community
that you built a machine.

Yes. Well, my sister's got it,
she's going on the show too.

Your sister's going?
Yeah.

OK. Well...

Could you make another one?
I'd pay you.

People will pay you.

Let me have your number.

So, in the hot seat,
we have Diana Ingram here with...

I do believe I recognise
your guest here tonight,

it's your brother Adrian Pollock.

I thought we got rid of you.

But here you are.

Again. Back in the studio
for a fifth time.

Still think it's a coincidence?

Call the network.

Now.

Husband Charles, Major Charles,
couldn't be here.

He's at work.

Charles and Diana, eh?
Why does that sound familiar?

LAUGHTER

Like a fairy tale. Well, started as
a fairy tale, didn't end as one.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, if you could
fit us in tomorrow.

We just...

We do really think
we may have a problem now.

For £64,000...

Who wrote the nonsense poem
The Hunting Of The Snark?

GK Chesterton,

Hilaire Belloc,

Edward Lear,

Lewis Carroll?

Remember, you don't have to play,
you've got £32,000 and that's safe,

whatever, and you do have a 50-50.

Yeah, I'm going to play.
Edward Lear, final answer.

Final answer?
Yes.

You had £32,000,

you kept back one lifeline.

Desperately wanted
to beat your brother.

You've stayed at exactly
the same place.

GROANING

Oh, it was Lewis Carroll. I'm sorry.

But you do go away
with a cheque for £32,000.

Not a bad day's work.
APPLAUSE

A lot of money. That's £32,000.

I mean, that's gonna be SO useful.

I mean, we could...
Gosh, we could...

I'm going to give Adrian some of it,

just to help with the business,
you know.

Quite a bit of it.

14 grand of it, actually.
Right.

Sorry.
Are you asking me or telling me?

Right.

Right. All right, yeah. Sure.

Yeah, give him 14 grand.

Hell, give him all of it. Why don't
you give him one of the children?

Give him one of the girls.
What's going on?

Congratulations, darling.
We're giving you to Uncle Adrian.

Go and pack your bags.
OK.

What was the line? "There's always
three of us in this marriage."

That's not fair. He's my brother,
what else am I meant to do?

Pff...

I suppose I should tell you

we're thinking of writing a book
about the show.

Just a little simple how-to

with all the hints and tips
and things we've learned,

so we can pass them on
to new contestants.

Just all that cheating stuff?
It isn't cheating.

Yes, but is it cheating?

I've asked Ruth Settle to join us,
she's our head of PR at Celador.

This is Nicola Howson, who's our
head of press, to do likewise,

because we can all agree that this
is a flipping nightmare. I'll say.

I saw it for the first time
in a while last night.

No offence. And OK, I'll say it.

It was effing boring.

No offence.

The contestants are all...

They all look and sound...

Yeah, well, they all talk
to one another as well.

It's like they know each other
and they're somehow...

helping each other.
Is that against the rules?

It's against
the spirit of the rules.

They're getting on
and they're getting bolder.

Now, we think it almost feels
like something's coming.

We could start to cast it.

Most shows cast the contestants
based on interviews and...

No, we swore that we'd never do
that, we'd keep it democratic...

You're saying
it's already been hacked,

that the network's most important
asset is under attack.

Well, this stops now.

Find out who's doing it,
how they're doing it,

and please,
stop them bloody doing it!

I have to go.

Disappear. Run away for a bit.
Well...

a while. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, no. Adrian, don't...

I just need to come up
with a way to...

to pay everyone back.

Well, what about my 14 grand?

I don't bloody believe it.

OK. OK. Now, apart from us,
who do you owe money to?

Uh...

It's people like Jill and Michael
from the Rotary Club.

There's John.
John?! The butcher?

Oh, for heaven's sake, I thought
you meant gangsters, Adrian,

people who'd break your thumbs,

not the butcher, the baker
and the candlestick...

Just send them a text!

Well, it's not your reputation,
is it?!

What about your responsibilities?
Your family?

They'll understand,
I'll call them from...

wherever I am. I'll explain.

Come on, Adrian,
it's really bad form.

Here's some of the people from
the community I've been talking to.

They're yours now.

Oh, God.

I can't...

What about our book?

Well, then, you finish it, Diana!
You don't need me, you never have.

You've always been the strongest.

I'm sorry.

DOOR SLAMS

It'll be OK.

He'll be OK.

You must go on.

Onto the show.

I've been on, Adrian has, it's...

it's your turn.

It's my turn, is it?

To join the family business.

I'd warned you, I...

These mad schemes!

I don't even like quizzes.

The way you've been moping about,
weeks after your turn came and went,

d'you know how dispiriting
that is, Diana,

to know that the only happiness
you get is from a bloody game show?

That isn't fair, that is...
It just isn't true.

It couldn't be further...

And everyone has hobbies, Charles.
Pfft!

PHONE RINGS
And I didn't want to bring this up,

but...

Let the machine get it.
Well, we have,

as a family, rather...

followed you around
wherever you went.

Happily, I might add, willingly.

But now we, now I need you.

'..Charles Ingram. I'm calling you
from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

'We're delighted to let you know

'that you've been selected
by our computer

'to take part in our qualifying
round of "closest to" questions.

'Give us a call back
on 0909 8790 555.'

I may have already started calling
and leaving your name.

What happens next is easy to dismiss
as simply exciting television.

High drama.

A bit of harmless fun
that got out of hand.

But ignore the lights,
ignore the sound.

COUGHING

Unbelievable!

This is theft.

Plain and simple.

An attempt to steal £1 million.

We have all the evidence
and all of the testimonies.

But as we go through
quite how they did it,

beat by impossible beat,

oh, you'll be shocked, yes,

perhaps even impressed a little...

..but you will be left in no doubt

that they are guilty of a crime.

A crime that carries with it

time in prison.

APPLAUSE
All right?

All right?

COUGHS

Right, Major Charles Ingram,

are you ready to play...

DRAMATIC THEME