Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 12 - Episode #2.12 - full transcript

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

FIRST, WE'RE GOING TO GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE.

YEAH?

THEN I'M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES.

OOH, SOUNDS GOOD. THEN WHAT?

THEN I'M GOING TO PIN YOU TO THE MAT

LIKE WRESTLEMANIA.

THAT'S JUST THE EXHIBITION MATCH.

FOR THE MAIN EVENT,

I'M GOING TO GRAB YOUR LEGS



AND WHIP THEM OVER YOUR HEAD,

UH-HUH. AND WORK MY TONGUE...

DOWN BET... WORK MY TONGUE DOWN BETWEEN YOUR...

MY... WHAT?

WELL, I GOT US THIS FAR, NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.

OKAY, OKAY. UH, MY TURN.

I SAY LET'S GET OUT OF HERE AND FUCK.

WELL, YOU CAN FINISH MY FANTASY ANY TIME.

BRIAN!

YOU'RE BACK. HOW WAS MIAMI? AH...

IT RAINED EVERY DAY, I NEVER LEFT THE HOTEL.

AH. SO THE WHITE PARTY WAS A BIG SUCCESS.

NOT AS GOOD AS THAT ONE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.

YEAH.



WHAT, YOU TWO WERE AT THE WHITE PARTY TOGETHER?

ALONG WITH HALF OF GAY PITTSBURGH.

YEAH, I WAS THERE, UH, DOING RESEARCH FOR A PAPER:

"THE INFLUENCE OF TRIBAL RITUAL ON QUEER CULTURE".

YEAH. MORE LIKE "THE MATING DANCE OF THE HORNY HOMOSEXUAL".

COME ON, LET'S DANCE.

WHAT?

YOU FUCKED HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

WHO?

WHO DO YOU THINK? BEN.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT IDEA?

HE'S ONLY LIKE, THE HOTTEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN.

HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU FUCK HIM?

I WANT NUMBERS AND POSITIONS.

ONCE.

TWICE.

I'M GETTING HARD JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T TOLD MICHAEL?

IT'S THE FIRST RULE OF GAY ETIQUETTE:

NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR PAST FUCKS.

ESPECIALLY IF ONE OF YOUR PAST FUCKS

IS YOUR BEST FRIEND'S CURRENT FUCK.

HE OWNS THE BIGGEST GAY LAW FIRM IN TOWN,

REPRESENTS EVERYBODY.

HE'S A DOCTOR, OWNS THAT BIG MEDICAL GROUP.

HE'S THE HEAD OF THE GAY BUSINESSMEN'S ASSOCIATION.

YOU SEE HIM?

CO-SPONSORS THE AIDS RIDE EVERY YEAR.

YOU ARE LIKE A GROUPIE AT A ROCK CONCERT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THESE PEOPLE?

I DON'T...

BUT I WANT TO.

THEY'RE THE CREME-DE-LA-CREME OF GAY PITTSBURGH SOCIETY.

THE "A-GAYS".

THAT'S A VULGAR TERM.

I'M A VULGAR GIRL.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH WANTING TO ASSOCIATE

WITH A HIGHER CLASS OF PEOPLE?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CLASS OF PEOPLE

YOU'VE BEEN ASSOCIATING WITH?

IT'D BE A WHOLE STEP UP TO BE ACCEPTED BY THEM.

A CHANCE TO MAKE SIGNIFICANT CONTACTS,

POSSIBLY CO-CHAIR AN IMPORTANT EVENT. HMM!

GET THE BEST SEATS TO THE BERNADETTE PETERS CONCERT.

OH, I'D LOVE THAT.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S GARTH.

GARTH RACINE.

CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, YOU'RE NOT AT A GLORY HOLE.

HE'S THE DOYENNE OF QUEER CAFE SOCIETY.

YOU'RE NOTHING UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN INVITED TO ONE OF HIS SOIREES.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET HIM.

SO GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

I-I-I CAN'T. I-I-I'M NOT READY.

THAT'S THE SORT OF THING YOU HAVE TO WORK UP TO.

"WORK UP TO"?

HONEY, HE'S JUST A BIG, OLD COCKSUCKING FAIRY

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HERE. SHH!

NOW, GO. AH... JESUS.

GO ON.

UH, GARTH.

UH, HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

UH... I'M, UH, TED SCHMIDT. AND, UH...

I... OH... SORRY.

UH, HERE'S MY CARD,

UH....

LET'S GO. I...

WE SHOULD. SIMON'S WAITING FOR US.

WITH HIS NEW DOCTOR FRIEND.

NOTHING LIKE A HIGHER CLASS OF PEOPLE.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

THAT HOMOPHOBIC ASSHOLE COP STILL DOESN'T KNOW.

HE JUST GAVE ME A... LOCATOR NUMBER.

THEY BURY SOME POOR KID

WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WHO HE IS.

THEY GOTTA DO SOMETHING WITH THE BODY.

THEY JUST CAN'T KEEP IT LAYING AROUND.

"LYING" AROUND.

HERE IT IS.

CHRIST. SO THIS IS WHAT IT COMES TO,

PULLED OUT OF A DUMPSTER AND TOSSED IN THE GROUND.

DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.

RIGHT? IT'S TERRIBLE.

IF NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE,

HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER YOU?

SORRY, KID.

WHAT'S THE KINKIEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE WITH A GUY?

IT'S TOO WEIRD TO TALK ABOUT.

COME ON, DISH.

UH... KINKY, KINKY. WELL,

ONE NIGHT I WENT TO THIS GUY'S HOUSE, AND, UH...

I STAYED OVER.

VERY FUNNY.

THE NEXT MORNING, HE MADE PANCAKES.

BEN AND I DID SOME PRETTY KINKY STUFF LAST NIGHT.

HUH! LIKE WHAT,

FLAVOURED CONDOMS? GUESS.

I HAVEN'T A CLUE.

HE TIED ME UP.

NO SHIT.

I TOTALLY SURRENDERED TO HIM.

IT WAS SO AMAZING. IT'S ALL ABOUT TRUST, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY GOOD WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE DOING THE TYING TOO.

AND THE WAY HE HELD ME AFTERWARDS, I'VE NEVER FELT SO CLOSE.

I BET YOU DON'T FIND THAT KIND OF INTIMACY AT THE WHITE PARTY.

YEAH, I-I GUESS NOT.

ALL YOUR ONE NIGHT STANDS CAN'T COMPARE

WITH WHAT I GOT.

YEAH. WELL...

I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THE NEXT BEST THING.

OH. NO, THAT'S MINE.

NO, IT'S OURS. THIS IS OUR WAY OF SAYING THANKS

FOR ALL YOU DID FOR OUR WEDDING.

YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

HUH. WAITER, STEAK TO GO.

LOOK, TEDDY, IT'S THAT DOCTOR

WHO RUNS THAT BIG MEDICAL GROUP.

SO? OH,

AND THERE'S THE GUY WHO SPONSORS THE AIDS RIDE EVERY YEAR.

PASS THE EQUAL.

WELL, SOMEONE'S CHANGED HER TUNE.

YOU WERE GA-GA OVER THESE PEOPLE THE OTHER NIGHT.

YEAH WELL, I'M NOT GA-GA NOW.

SO, WHY DID YOU WANT TO COME HERE,

IF NOT TO RUB ELBOWS WITH ALL THE A-GAYS?

I'M ALLOWED.

EVEN IF I AM JUST A MEASLY B-GAY.

WELL IF "B" STANDS FOR THE BEST, THEN I AGREE.

ARE THERE ANY A-DYKES?

OH, HONEY, YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM.

OH, IT'S, UH... GARTH... WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

RACINE?

HE'S THE BIGGEST, PHONIEST ONE OF ALL.

THE WAY PEOPLE FAWN AND GROVEL FOR AN INVITATION

TO ONE OF HIS PRETENTIOUS PARTIES. PATHETIC.

TED, HOW ARE YOU? GARTH RACINE.

WE MET THE OTHER NIGHT.

UH, S-S-SURE. OF COURSE.

UH, FORGIVE ME FOR INTERRUPTING YOUR MEAL.

UH, NO, N-NOT AT ALL. UM...

LET ME INTRODUCE MY FRIENDS, IT'S, UH...

UH, MELANIE,

AND, UH, LINDSAY

AND, UH, EMMETT.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

LOOK, I'LL ONLY TAKE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME.

I'M HAVING A LITTLE, UH, GET-TOGETHER AT MY PLACE

TOMORROW AFTERNOON, AND... I'D LOVE IT

IF YOU COULD DROP BY.

UH, UH, S-SURE, I-I'D LOVE TO.

FABULOUS. AROUND 3:00.

PLEASURE TO MEET ALL OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO GARTH'S.

CARE FOR A REFILL, MA'AM?

OH... NO THANKS, HONEY.

I GOTTA SLEEP TONIGHT. AT LEAST TRY TO.

YOU GO ON HOME.

DEB, THIS IS LIKE, YOUR WHOLE DAY'S TIP.

YOU CARRIED THINGS TONIGHT.

YOU DESERVE IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU KNEW HIM.

HE WAS ONE OF LIKE, 1,000 GUYS THAT YOU WAITED ON.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT, SUNSHINE. HE WAS ONE OF US.

HE WAS PART OF THE COMMUNITY.

I CAN'T HELP FEELING SOMEHOW RESPONSIBLE.

WHAT? THAT HE'S DEAD?

NO, THAT HE'S LYING OUT THERE IN AN UNMARKED GRAVE.

WELL, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

FIND OUT WHO HE WAS?

THAT'S WHAT THE POLICE ARE FOR.

THOSE FAT FUCKS?

CHRIST, THE WAY THEY TALKED ABOUT HIM,

CALLING HIM A "JANE DOE".

THEY MADE IT VERY CLEAR THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

NOBODY DOES.

THEN DO IT.

I DIDN'T MEAN RIGHT NOW.

THE SOONER I LIGHT A FIRE UNDER THAT...

COP'S LARD ASS,

THE SOONER HE'LL GET IT IN GEAR.

AND THEN GARTH INVITED ME TO HIS HOUSE

FOR A VERY EXCLUSIVE LITTLE GET-TOGETHER.

WHILE HE'S BUSY EXCLUDING OTHERS,

HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT WHY HE'S INCLUDING YOU?

FOR MY WIT AND MY CHARM OF COURSE.

LOOK, JUST BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BE INVITED...

JUST SO HAPPENS I'VE BEEN INVITED

TO HIS CIRCLE'S LITTLE GETTOGETHERS

ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU GONE?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH A BUNCH OF ARROGANT,

SELF-IMPORTANT ASSHOLES?

'CAUSE YOU'D FIT RIGHT IN?

HI. HEY, EMMETT.

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

YOU KNOW HIM?

YEAH, VERY WELL.

HUH. SMALL WORLD.

WHY, YOU DID HIM TOO? MM-MM.

NO, BUT I WENT HOME WITH, UH, LUSCIOUS LIPS OVER THERE.

WHO SPENT A NIGHT ON...

BALD MOUNTAIN, WHO USED TO CHOW DOWN ON...

YOURLOVE MUFFIN.

YEAH WELL, I DID ALL THREE.

JEEZ. AT ONCE?

I TRIED... SCHEDULING DIFFICULTIES.

WHO HAVEN'T YOU FUCKED?

HUH, HASN'T FUCKED ME...

OR ANYBODY I'VE BEEN WITH.

WHAT?

NOTHING. NOTHING.

THERE'S ME.

HOLY SHIT. OH, MY...

NICE GOING, YOU LITTLE TWAT.

OW.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

THAT IS SO HILARIOUS.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

GLAD YOU THINK SO.

HUH. WELL WHY SHOULDN'T I?

YOU KNOW, IT'S PITTSBURGH.

NO DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH, I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY.

BUT I GOTTA SAY, I WAS HOPING IT WOULDN'T BE YOU.

COME IN. KICK BACK. RELAX.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO RELAX, BUT I'M SO GLAD YOU DO.

WHY IS THERE NO NAME ON HIS GRAVE?

WE'RE WORKING ON IT. BULLSHIT.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING.

LOOK, LADY,

I'VE GONE THROUGH EVERY MISSING PERSON'S REPORT

THAT EVEN REMOTELY MATCHES HIS DESCRIPTION.

AND SO FAR, NOBODY'S MISSING HIM.

WELL, THEN KEEP LOOKING.

LADY... AND STOP CALLING ME LADY.

YOU SOUND LIKE JERRY LEWIS.

THE NAME'S DEBBIE. DEBBIE...

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME MRS. NOVOTNY.

MRS. NOVOTNY, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

BUT IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

OH, AND DON'T YOU TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

BUT IT IS.

THIS KID HAS GOT A NAME.

AND I'M GONNA FIND IT.

HO!

TAKE IT EASY, BIG FELLA.

I'M SO HORNED OUT.

I'VE HAD A RAGING HARD-ON ALL THE WAY HOME.

HMM, I WAS AFRAID HEARING ABOUT BRIAN AND ME

WOULD HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT.

I GUESS MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.

I TOLD YOU, IT'S NO BIGGIE.

BUT THIS IS. OOH, LUCKY FOR ME YOU...

HAVE SUCH A...

MM, MM,

MMMMM. KIND AND UNDERSTANDING NATURE.

BUT IT WAS STILL A SHITTY WAY TO FIND OUT.

I HAVE THE HOTTEST

BOYFRIEND IN TOWN. IT'S A GIVEN

THAT BRIAN WOULD'VE FUCKED HIM.

IT WAS A CASUAL THING.

ONE NIGHT, LONG BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

TO ME, THAT IS. I TOLD YOU,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.

I MEAN, WE DON'T HAVE TO TELL EACH OTHER

EVERYBODY WE SLEPT WITH BEFORE WE MET.

I WOULDN'T REMEMBER HALF THEIR NAMES ANYWAYS.

LEAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR ON,

I'M GOING TO CHEW THROUGH 'EM.

WHAT'S UP? YOU ARE.

NICE FORM, GUY.

I'LL SAY.

REALLY GOT MY HEART RATE GOING TOO.

MEET ME AT THE SQUATS.

I COULD DEFINITELY SQUAT ON THAT.

THAT'S RAINER, MY NEW TRAINER.

I SEE HE'S ALREADY TAUGHT YOU HOW TO SIT UP AND BEG.

AHH. GARTH RECOMMENDED HIM.

HE ONLY TRAINS WITH THE BEST.

AH, IT'S DEFINITELY WORTH IT.

I CAN FEEL THE DIFFERENCE ALREADY.

HEY, BRIAN.

AH, DON'T TELL ME.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE A GERMAN TRAIN.

HE ALWAYS COMES IN ON TIME.

SORRY I'M LATE.

WERE YOU TIED UP?

YOU WANT TO SPOT ME?

NO, I HAVE TO GO HAVE A WORD WITH TED'S NEW TRAINER,

HAVE HIM CHECK OUT MY FORWARD LUNGE.

BABYLON TONIGHT?

YEAH.

SO, UH...

DID YOU AND BEN HAVE A FIGHT?

OR WAS IT JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW, AWKWARD SILENCE?

WHY? BECAUSE HE AND BRIAN HAD SEX?

IF IT WAS MY BOYFRIEND AND I FOUND OUT

THAT BRIAN HAD DONE THE DIRTY WITH HIM,

IT'D BE GAME OVER.

H-HOW COULD I MEASURE UP? YOU COULDN'T.

HUH, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

FOR BRIAN, SEX IS LIKE A HANDSHAKE.

HMM, THAT AIN'T WHAT HE WAS SHAKING, SWEETIE.

THEY KNOW EACH OTHER INTIMATELY.

HOW THEY FEEL, HOW THEY SMELL.

THE SOUNDS THEY MAKE WHEN THEY'RE COMING.

WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?

DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU. ARE WE GOING TO WORK OUT

OR ARE WE GOING TO STAND AROUND HERE BLABBING ALL DAY?

DON'T FORGET THE DIMPLE ON HIS CHIN.

GIVE ME A CHANCE, I'M GETTING TO IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS LIVE ON.

HOW DO YOU SURVIVE?

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT. OKAY, SUNSHINE, PRINT HER UP.

WHAT'S THIS?

WHAT? UH, THAT'S JUST...

IT'S JUST HEAD CLEANER.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU STILL LISTENED TO CASSETTES.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, JEN, ARE YOU IN?

NO.

I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE THAT TO THE PROS.

BUT WE ARE THE PROS.

WHO KNOWS LIBERTY AVENUE BETTER THAN WE DO?

AH, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, DEBBIE.

I'M JUST A TOURIST.

BUT YOU'RE A MOTHER.

WHAT IF IT WAS YOUR SON?

ALMOST WAS.

TEDDY, YOU HAVE ARRIVED.

YOU'RE REALLY HERE.

ALL THOSE PEOPLE YOU USED TO HATE?

WELL, YOU ARE ONE OF THEM NOW!

BUT... DON'T LOOK TOO EXCITED.

ACTUALLY, ACT A LITTLE BORED.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

AND REMEMBER, YOU CAN DO THIS.

YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT OPERA, YOU'RE POLITICALLY PLUGGED IN,

YOU JUST ATTENDED A PRODUCTION OF "ASSASSINS"...

TED.

SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.

GARTH.

THIS IS FOR YOU. AH.

OH NO, HE'S LOOKING AT IT

LIKE IT'S THUNDERBIRD.

GODDAMN IT, TED, WHY DIDN'T YOU GO FOR THE $65 BOTTLE?

I TOLD YOU, BUT NO, YOU HAD TO...

IT IS MY FAVOURITE...

CALIFORNIA PINOT. HOW DID YOU KNOW?

MINE TOO. HUH.

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU AROUND.

TED SCHMIDT,

ALISTAIR REYNOLDS, PSYCHIATRIST.

LUCKILY, NOT YOURS.

MORLEY CAMPBELL.

MORLEY ORGANIZES GAY CRUISES.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR MAKING IT SOUND LIKE "THE LOVE BOAT", GARTH.

IT'S ON A YACHT TO FIJI,

AND IT ONLY SLEEPS 10.

WELL, THAT'S THE FIRST NIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE CRUISE?

TED'S AN ENTREPRENEUR. HE HAS HIS OWN WEB SITE.

REALLY?

GARTH!

FORGIVE ME. WE'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.

JUST MOVED TO PITTSBURGH?

ACTUALLY, I'VE, UH, LIVED HERE ALL MY LIFE.

WENT TO NORTH ALLEGHENY HIGH,

WAS PRESIDENT OF THE JUNIOR ACCOUNTANTS CLUB.

YEAH, I'VE ALWAYS HAD AN AFFINITY FOR NUMBERS.

REAL NUMBERS AND, UH...

CUTE ONES, TOO.

IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE,

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TIE YOU UP AGAIN.

PROMISES, PROMISES.

DID BRIAN EVER DO THAT? DO WHAT?

TIE YOU UP.

YOU EXPECT ME TO REMEMBER? IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO.

MAYBE. NOW COME HERE.

THEY SAY HIS FUCKS ARE LEGENDARY.

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT THEM?

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ALL THESE QUESTIONS?

I'M JUST CURIOUS. IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

I-I'M COOL WITH IT. REALLY.

HE WAS FUCKING ME AND HE CAME, RIGHT? BUT I HADN'T.

SO HE JUST KEPT GOING.

NO SHIT. MM-HM.

THEN HE CAME A SECOND TIME...

RIGHT WHEN I DID.

NEVER LOST HIS HARD-ON.

MMM, YOU HAD TO ASK.

SO, HOW DO I COMPARE TO HIM?

M... MICHAEL.

COME ON, TELL ME.

IT'S LIKE COMPARING APPLES AND CANTALOUPES.

SO WHO HAS THE CANTALOUPES?

YOU ARE FINE.

"FINE".

YOU'RE TERRIFIC, YOU'RE GREAT.

NOW, CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM?

I AGREE. ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

LET'S SEE SOME ACTION.

I JUST REMEMBERED, I HAVE A SHIPMENT COMING IN AT THE STORE.

BUT ISN'T THE BEAUTY OF HAVING YOUR OWN STORE BEING ON YOUR...

OWN... TIME?

THEN I WORKED AT WERTSHAFTER AND COMPANY FOR EIGHT YEARS.

AND, UH, DOING AUDITS AND...

FILING 401-Ks, YOU KNOW, THAT SORT OF THING,

AND, UH...

DID I, UH, DID I MENTION

THAT I SAW "ASSASSINS" AT THE PLAYHOUSE LAST WEEK?

YEAH, I REALLY THINK IT'S SOME OF SONDHEIM'S BEST WORK.

I THINK HE... I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.

DO YOU MIND IF I BORROW HIM?

NO. PLEASE.

HUH, SORRY.

AH, IT'S A GREAT PARTY. I LOVE YOUR HOUSE.

THANKS, TEDDY.

DO YOU MIND IF I CALL YOU TEDDY?

NO, ALL MY CLOSE FRIENDS DO. GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I WENT TO YOUR WEB SITE THE OTHER DAY.

AND I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, UH, I WAS RATHER IMPRESSED.

YOU WERE?

THANK YOU, GARTH.

YEAH, IT'S TAKEN A LOT OF WORK TO GET IT TO A POINT WHERE I...

ESPECIALLY WITH ONE OF YOUR YOUNG MEN, UM...

REX?

REX? OH, REX.

BEAUTIFUL BOY. AHH.

WOULDN'T MIND GETTING TO KNOW HIM.

THINK YOU COULD POSSIBLY SET SOMETHING UP?

OH WELL, YOU KNOW, I-I DON'T REALLY GET INVOLVED

IN MY EMPLOYEES' PERSONAL LIVES.

OF COURSE NOT. BEST POLICY.

ALTHOUGH... I AM ONLY TALKING ABOUT A FRIENDLY DINNER.

AND I AM ASKING YOU, TEDDY, AS A FRIEND.

HMM.

HEY, SAMMY. LOVE THE HAIR, HONEY.

LISTEN, UH, YOU EVER SEEN THIS KID?

SORRY, DEB. YEAH. WELL, KEEP IT.

THANKS, HONEY.

GOOD AFTERNOON, COULD I TROUBLE YOU FOR A M...

MOMENT?

THANKS, HONEY.

HEY, KIDDO. HOW'S BILL?

LISTEN, UH, IF YOU KNOW WHO THIS KID IS,

WILL YOU CALL THE POLICE? AND SHOW IT TO YOUR FRIENDS.

THANKS. THANKS, BABY.

GOOD AFTERNOON, WOULD YOU MIND JUST TAKING...

HOW YOU DOING?

I FEEL LIKE THE INVISIBLE WOMAN.

YEAH WELL, AROUND HERE TO GET THEIR ATTENTION,

YOU PRACTICALLY GOTTA GRAB THEM BY THE DICK AND SHAKE IT.

HI, THERE. I'M JENNIFER. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

HEY, TYLER. HOW ARE THE WARTS?

THEY WEREN'T ON MY HANDS.

OH. UM... WE'RE...

W-WE'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO THIS YOUNG MAN IS.

DO YOU KNOW HIM?

YEAH, I THINK SO.

WHO IS HE?

W-WHAT'S HIS NAME?

I-I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, WHERE'D YOU SEE HIM?

I USED TO SEE HIM HANGING OUT AT THE LIBERTY SPA.

OKAY. THANKS, HONEY.

WHAT'S THAT, A GYM?

NOT EXACTLY.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHO THIS YOUNG MAN IS?

UH, S-SORRY FOR INTERRUPTING, FELLAS,

BUT D-DO EITHER OF YOU RECOGNIZE HIM?

NO, NO, NO.

OKAY, THANKS ANYWAY.

YOU PLAY SAFE.

HEY, NO BROADS IN THE BATHHOUSE.

WE NEED TO BE HERE.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

THIS IS A PRIVATE MEN'S CLUB.

SOMEONE WHO KNEW THIS MURDERED KID.

OUT, OR I'LL CALL THE COPS.

EXCUSE ME.

I... I KNEW HIM.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

HE DIDN'T SAY.

CHRIST. DOESN'T ANYBODY EVEN INTRODUCE THEMSELVES

BEFORE THEY FUCK?

SORRY.

I FOLLOWED HIM TO HIS ROOM.

WE WERE DOING IT WHEN HE STARTS GASPING.

I'M THINKING, "HEY, I'M PRETTY GOOD."

TURNS OUT HE WAS HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK.

HE SUCKED ON HIS INHALER AND WAS FINE.

BUT BY THEN THE MAGIC HAD KIND OF WORN OFF, YOU KNOW?

WAS IT A PRESCRIPTION THING?

I THINK SO.

IT'S ALL I KNOW.

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

DO YOU HAVE THE NEW "BUTTMAN"?

I'M SOLD OUT.

OH.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO GO TO BABYLON.

BUSY.

"NEUTRON MAN HAS BROKEN INTO

A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT... HEY, DON'T LOOK.

...WHERE HE'S TORTURED WITH AN AGONIZING DILDO."

SORRY. "DILEMMA. HE CAN EITHER DRAIN THE PLANET OF ITS POWER

AND LIVE, OR HE CAN LET THE PLANET

SUPPLY POWER TO THE WORLD, AND DIE."

I SAY, "FUCK THE WORLD.

TAKE THE POWER."

YEAH, YOU WOULD.

TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND TO HELL WITH EVERYONE ELSE.

SO YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO TELL ME?

TELL YOU WHAT?

YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL.

IT WAS TWO YEARS AGO. WHO GIVES A SHIT?

I DON'T. HE DOESN'T.

WHY DO YOU?

BECAUSE HE'S MY BOYFRIEND?

AND YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

SOMEBODY'S JEALOUS.

BUT ARE YOU JEALOUS BECAUSE

I DID IT WITH HIM...

OR BECAUSE HE DID IT WITH ME?

ARROGANT PRICK.

WELL, WHICH IS IT?

UH... WHY SHOULD I GIVE A SHIT IF HE SLEPT WITH YOU?

WHO HASN'T?

YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE?

WELL, COME ON.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

GET OUT OF HERE.

I KNOW YOUR SECRET IDENTITY.

HE WANTS ME TO PIMP FOR HIM.

THAT'S WHY I WAS INVITED INTO THE INNER CIRCLE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO RETURN THE PASTA MACHINE?

I THOUGHT WE AGREED,

RETURN THE PASTA MACHINE, KEEP THE CREPE MACHINE.

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

THAT'S WHY I'M SUDDENLY HIS NEW BEST FRIEND.

HEY, MY AUNT LOUISE GAVE US THAT.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S TOTALLY OFFENSIVE?

OF COURSE I DO. THAT'S WHY I'M RETURNING IT.

NO, I MEAN, WHAT GARTH ASKED ME.

WELL COME ON, THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE

ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN YOU IF YOU'RE USEFUL TO THEM.

RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE USEFUL. YOU MEAN BEING USED.

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. NOW YOU KNOW.

YOU WANT SOMETHING OUT OF THEM, THEY WANT SOMETHING OUT OF YOU.

IT'S YOUR CALL IF YOU WANT TO PLAY THAT GAME.

OY.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T GIVE OUT THAT KIND OF INFORMATION.

I PROMISE, I'M NOT GONNA TELL THE POLICE.

GIRL SCOUTS' HONOUR.

COME ON, PHIL, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD FRIEND.

WE JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO THIS POOR KID IS.

WON'T YOU HELP US?

YOU KNOW HOW MANY ASTHMA PRESCRIPTIONS I GOT?

YOU GOT TIME.

MORE THAN HIM.

MY STOMACH IS IN FUCKING KNOTS.

HERE, HAVE ONE OF THESE.

THAT'LL BE 79 CENTS.

I MUST HAVE

SIS, THIS IS HOPELESS.

HEY, I NEVER SAID THAT ABOUT YOU.

SO YOU DON'T SAY THAT ABOUT HIM.

MIND IF I LOOK AT THAT DRAWING AGAIN?

SURE.

HUH...

THAT DIMPLE ON HIS CHIN LOOKS FAMILIAR.

GOD BLESS SUNSHINE.

WHEN WAS HE KILLED?

COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

WELL...

IF THIS IS HIM,

HE NEVER PICKED UP HIS PRESCRIPTION.

KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.

HI. HI. COME ON IN.

AH, THANKS. YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR A FACIAL.

OH, NO, THANK YOU. YOU SURE? YOU...

YOU LOOK A LITTLE STRESSED OUT.

IT'S THE BEST THING FOR STRESS, ISN'T IT, TEDDY?

THE BEST.

HE'S, UM, HE'S GOING THROUGH AN IMAGE CRISIS.

SO, I... I THOUGHT A JOUR BE BEAUTE MIGHT HELP.

AH.

SO I THOUGHT MICHAEL MIGHT BE AT THE STORE,

BUT IT WAS CLOSED. HE'S NOT HERE?

NO, NO, HAVEN'T SEEN HIM. HIDE NOR HAIR.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BEAVER?

WELL, I'M NOT SURE I SHOULD, UH...

AH-H, YOU CAN TELL US.

WE'RE HIS BEST FRIENDS.

HE'S...

BEEN ACTING REALLY WEIRD EVER SINCE HE FOUND OUT...

YOU AND BRIAN... FUCKED.

YEAH.

I KNEW IT. YEAH, SO DID I.

YOU KNEW WHAT?

NOTHING.

COME ON, YOU GUYS, TELL ME.

WERE THEY LOVERS?

WHAT?

IT WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER IF THEY HAD BEEN.

THEN BRIAN COULD'VE BROKEN HIS HEART

AND MICHAEL COULD'VE GOTTEN OVER HIM.

INSTEAD OF ALWAYS WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE.

JASON KEMP.

HOW'D YOU GET THIS?

IT'S CALLED PERSEVERANCE.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.

I EVEN FOUND OUT WHERE HE LIVED. VASELINE TOWER.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

THAT'S WHERE EVERY YOUNG GAY BOY GOES

WHEN HE FIRST MOVES TO TOWN.

HUH, THANKS FOR THE LEAD.

YOU COULD BE A DETECTIVE.

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR JOB.

YOU ARE COMING TO THE AMFAR BENEFIT, AREN'T YOU?

OH YEAH, SURE. I'LL BE THERE.

THERE'S A COCKTAIL PARTY BEFOREHAND.

FOR THE BENEFACTORS.

AND AFTERWARDS WE'RE HAVING A FABULOUS LITTLE SUPPER,

JUST AN INTIMATE GROUP OF US,

AT GARTH'S, OF COURSE.

TEDDY.

I WANT TO THANK YOU, MAN,

FOR SETTING ME UP WITH REX.

WELL, ALL I SAID WAS YOU'RE A FAN.

THAT BOY HAS THE HOTTEST ASS.

WEB SITE DIDN'T DO IT JUSTICE.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE...

SO HAPPY TOGETHER.

COME JOIN US.

PUT THAT ON MY TAB.

HEY.

HEY.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY WROTE LONG-HAND ANY MORE.

YEAH, COMPUTERS ARE FINE FOR SOME THINGS.

BUT, WHEN I REALLY WANT THE WORDS TO FLOW

THROUGH MY MIND AND OUT MY FINGERS,

I FIND YE OLDE TICONDEROGA NUMBER TWO

BEATS HELL OUT OF HIGH TECH ANY DAY.

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT IS?

WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

THE WAY THE WORDS JUST FLOWED.

I WISH I COULD BE THAT ELOQUENT.

ESPECIALLY... NOW, WHEN I...

I REALLY WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY.

WHAT FOR?

FOR TAKING OFF.

FOR...

YOU THINK I COULD GET A DRINK?

OH YEAH, HELP YOURSELF.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE TO DWELL ON THE PAST.

YOU KNOW, IT'S...

IT'S OVER, IT'S GONE, LET IT GO.

BUT SOMETIMES IT WON'T LET YOU GO.

LIKE WITH BRIAN.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

WELL, I WASN'T COMPLETELY HONEST WHEN I SAID...

IT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME THAT...

YOU HAD HAD SEX WITH HIM. IT DOES MATTER.

AND WHY'S THAT?

BECAUSE...

BECAUSE I... I'VE ALWAYS HAD CERTAIN FEELINGS FOR HIM.

WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS?

DIFFERENT KINDS.

FRIENDSHIP FEELINGS...

LOVE FEELINGS.

SEXUAL FEELINGS?

NOT THAT ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED

OR EVER WILL.

BUT WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT YOU AND HE...

I JUST COULDN'T STOP THINKING...

THAT...

I KNEW HIM...

IN A WAY YOU DON'T.

AND HE KNOWS YOU IN A WAY THAT I DO.

THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME.

I HAD TO, I LOVE YOU.

AND IT'S OKAY THAT YOU LOVE HIM.

IT IS? UH-HUH.

MICHAEL, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR...

HOW LONG, A FEW MONTHS?

YOU HAD A LIFE BEFORE I CAME ALONG. SO DID I.

INCLUDING PEOPLE WE'VE LOVED,

THAT WE'RE STILL IN LOVE WITH.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T LOVE EACH OTHER.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

DEBBIE?

WHY DON'T YOU COME SIT DOWN?

THE RIGATONI'S GETTING COLD.

YOU GO AHEAD, I'M NOT HUNGRY.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE WINE

TO CELEBRATE? CELEBRATE WHAT?

YOU'VE GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

YOU FOUND OUT HIS NAME.

SOMETHING EVEN THE POLICE COULDN'T DO.

YEAH, THEY STILL DON'T KNOW WHO HIS FAMILY IS,

OR WHO DID IT.

COLLECTING FOR YOUR BENEVOLENT FUND?

I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO KNOW I WENT TO HIS APARTMENT.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T WASTE ANY TIME. FOR ONCE.

LANDLORD THOUGHT THE KID SKIPPED OUT WITHOUT PAYING HIS RENT.

THE KID'S NAME IS JASON.

HMM. HE'D ONLY BEEN HERE A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

YOU SHOULD SEE HIS PLACE.

NO FURNITURE, NOTHING. JUST A MATTRESS.

DID YOU FIND HIS MOTHER?

YES, MA'AM. SHE O.D.'d IN...

TAMPA WHEN HE WAS FOUR.

HE WAS SENT TO FOSTER HOMES.

HE LANDED ON THE STREETS WHEN HE WAS 18.

SOME SHITTY LIFE.

WOULD YOU LIKE A PLATE OF PASTA?

MY SISTER MAKES INCREDIBLE BAKED RIGATONI.

THANKS, I-I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK.

WELL, IT WAS VERY KIND OF YOU...

TO COME BY.

I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW.

YOU SURE YOU... WOULDN'T LIKE TO...

I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED IF I FIND OUT ANYTHING ELSE.

DO THAT.

HEY. UH, DO YOU WANT TO CUT IN?

NO. I'M JUST CUTTING THROUGH.

NO, GO ON. GO ON.

I NEED A DRINK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?

I ALREADY DID HIM.

DID NOT. DID TOO.

WHEN? AGES AGO.

HOW WAS HE?

I'M NOT TELLING.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF GAY ETIQUETTE?