Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 13 - Episode #2.13 - full transcript

WOULD YOU MOVE YOUR DICK? I CAN'T CONCENTRATE.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE

SINKING INTO THAT HOLE.

OH, YEAH! GOOD SHOT.

WELL, HOW ABOUT GIVING ME SOMETHING TO AIM AT?

EXCUSE ME. SUPPORT A GOOD CAUSE?

OH. HEY, COME TO THE ANGEL BALL...

SUPPORT A GOOD CAUSE...

FUCK YOU TOO.

THAT WASN'T VERY ANGELIC.

I CAN'T EVEN GET THEM TO TAKE A GODDAMN FLYER.



OH, ONLY 100 BUCKS

FOR YET ANOTHER BORING FUNDRAISER?

"ANGELS OVER PITTSBURGH" ISN'T JUST ANOTHER CHARITY.

WHEN VIC WAS SICK, THEY BROUGHT HIM MEALS

PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY.

MY MOM AND I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT THEM.

YEAH WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO GET THESE GUYS TO GO.

IF YOU WANT TO GET THE SUCKERS INTO THE BIG TOP,

YOU GOTTA GET A BIG ATTRACTION.

LIKE MADONNA. OR THE BACKSTREET BOYS.

HEY, THIS IS PITTSBURGH, SUNSHINE,

NOT YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.

WELL, HOW ABOUT PITTSBURGH'S OWN DIVINA DEVORE?



SAYS HERE SHE'S IN TOWN.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

A WORN-OUT OLD DRAG QUEEN.

WHAT KIND OF HOMOSEXUAL ARE YOU?

THE KIND THAT FUCKS MEN.

DIVINA DEVORE IS A LEGEND.

SHE'S PERFORMED BEFORE PRESIDENTS.

ULYSSES S. GRANT OR CHESTER A. ARTHUR?

IF YOU GOT HER, I BET YOU'D HAVE NO TROUBLE SELLING TICKETS.

WELL, IT'S WORTH A SHOT.

HERE AT THE CENTRE FOR EARLY DEVELOPMENT,

WE OFFER A UNIQUE EDUCATIONAL PARADIGM

WHICH CREATES A SAFE AND SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT

IN WHICH OUR DEGREE CANDIDATES

CAN ACQUIRE INVALUABLE LEARNING AND SOCIAL SKILLS.

"DEGREE CANDIDATES"? THEY'RE PRESCHOOLERS. SHH-SHH.

THEREFORE, AS MUCH AS WE WOULD LIKE TO ACCEPT ALL OUR APPLICANTS,

IN ORDER TO ENSURE MAXIMUM FOCUS

AND INDIVIDUAL ATTENTION,

WE CAN ONLY ADMIT A SELECT FEW.

YES? MAY I ASK WHAT WILL DETERMINE YOUR FINAL DECISION?

THE CHILD'S OWN UNIQUE ABILITIES AND TALENTS

WILL PLAY A BIG PART.

BUT, WE'RE ALSO TRYING TO CREATE

THE FULL SPECTRUM OF HUMAN DIVERSITY,

UH, RACE, RELIGION, SOCIO-ECONOMIC BACKGROUND.

WHAT ABOUT SEXUAL ORIENTATION?

OH YES, BY ALL MEANS.

ARE THERE ANY CHILDREN OF SAME-SEX COUPLES ENROLLED?

NOT YET.

BUT, WE INTEND TO MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO CHANGE THAT.

A MASTERPIECE, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

FOR 50 BUCKS, YOU'LL BE BUYING THE NEXT MICHELANGELO.

IGNORAMUS.

HE DOESN'T KNOW DICK ABOUT ART.

AH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU DO.

JUSTIN,

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD YOUR VERY OWN SHOW.

HUH. IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE MUSEUM OF MODERN ART.

OOH.

THAT'S NEXT.

YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?

AH, THANKS, HONEY. I JUST HAD LUNCH...

WITH YOUR FATHER.

OH. HEY, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM.

WELL, I WISH WE DIDN'T HAVE TO EITHER, BUT...

WE DO.

HE SAYS HE'S NOT GOING TO PAY FOR YOUR SCHOOL ANY MORE.

OH... THAT LAME-ASS SHIT.

WHAT'S HIS FEEBLE EXCUSE?

THE STOCK MARKET, AND...

SUPPORTING TWO HOUSEHOLDS, AND...

BASICALLY 'CAUSE HE'S A LAME-ASS SHIT.

I... I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY.

I SPOKE TO THE ACCOUNTANT,

I'VE A GOT A LITTLE IN MY SAVINGS. I CAN CASH IN MY IRA.

I'M NOT TAKING YOUR MONEY.

YOU AND MOLLY NEED THAT TO LIVE.

YOUR SISTER AND I WILL BE JUST FINE.

NO, FORGET IT.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT MYSELF.

OOH!

IF YOU ASK ME,

NOBODY MAKES A BETTER WOMAN THAT A GAY MAN.

WHAT WOMAN LOOKS LIKE THAT?

BIG RED WIG AND TONNES OF JEWELRY AND GAUDY CLOTHES.

MY MOTHER DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THAT.

OH, HERE SHE COMES.

THANK YOU, PITTSBURGH...

FOR REMINDING ME WHY I LEFT.

GOD, LET'S JUST HOPE SHE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE MANIAC DIVAS

WHO THINKS SHE'S THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE.

YOU KNOW, SNAPPING HER FINGERS, BOSSING PEOPLE AROUND.

HEY, YOU. TELL THE IDIOT WHO RUNS THE LIGHTS

THE PIN SPOT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON MYFACCIA, NOT MY LEFT TIT.

YES, MA'AM.

I-I MEAN, SIR. I-I MEAN...

EXCUSE ME, MISS DEVORE.

YES?

I, UH...

I JUST WANT TO SAY YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT WAS...

SPARKLING.

YEAH, BUBBLING. EFFERVESCENT.

STOP, YOU'LL MAKE ME BURP. MISS DEVORE,

UM, I-I THOUGHT YOUR PERFORMANCE WAS REALLY GREAT.

WELL, HOW FLATTERING TO RECEIVE SUCH PRAISE FROM YOU...

HANDSOME YOUNG MEN.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME. WAIT! UH...

WE WANTED TO ASK YOU...

FOR MY AUTOGRAPH, HUH? OOH. OOH.

AND, UH, FOR YOUR HELP.

YOU SEE, I'M ORGANIZING THIS CHARITY EVENT,

AND... I-IT'S FOR A VERY GOOD CAUSE.

MMM, IS THERE EVER A BAD ONE?

UH, IT'S FOR "ANGELS OVER PITTSBURGH."

THEY PREPARE HOMECOOKED MEALS FOR PEOPLE WITH AIDS.

AND I W-WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT...

PERFORM? OH-H, I'D LOVE TO.

YOU WOULD? YOU WOULD?

IF I DIDN'T ALREADY SPEND HALF MY LIFE

DOING BENEFITS. IF I DO ANY MORE,

THEY'LL HAVE TO THROW ONE FOR ME.

I TOLD YOU THAT I CAN PAY FOR IT MYSELF.

WITH YOUR SECRET SWISS BANK ACCOUNT?

I'LL GET ANOTHER JOB.

A REAL JOB, ONE THAT ACTUALLY PAYS. YEAH, WHAT,

MAKING 3- TO 400 A WEEK?

SO, I WILL APPLY FOR A SCHOLARSHIP OR A LOAN.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO USE FOR COLLATERAL, YOUR ASS?

LOOK, STOP BEING SUCH A TWAT.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.

YOU'VE HELPED ENOUGH.

I PRACTICALLY OWE YOU MY FUCKING LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "PRACTICALLY"?

LOOK,

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL

LIKE YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

AND I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY EITHER.

FINE THEN, GO AHEAD.

BUT DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU SUCCEED.

I LOVE THAT YOU'D DO ANYTHING FOR ME.

WHO SAID IT WAS FOR YOU?

I MADE AN INVESTMENT, I WANT IT TO PAY OFF.

HERE'S A DIVIDEND.

WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE SOME WORN-OUT OLD DRAG QUEEN ANYWAY?

WELL, HONEY, YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

IT'S LIKE BEN ALWAYS SAYS,

YOU HAVE TO KEEP A POSITIVE ENERGY FLOW.

YEAH, WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT BEN AND HIS NEW AGE GOBBLEDYGOOK?

YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T WANT DIVINA DEVORE AT THAT BENEFIT

EVEN IF I COULD GET HER.

DIVINA DEVORE? IS SHE IN TOWN?

YEAH, WE BEGGED HER TO PERFORM AT THE BENEFIT,

BUT SHE TURNED US DOWN.

SHE ALWAYS WAS A SELFISH PRICK.

Y-YOU KNOW HER? HONEY,

I KNEW HER WHEN SHE WAS A "HIM".

HE WAS DANNY DEVORE THEN.

WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.

NO!

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF YOU USED THE PERSONAL CONNECTION,

YOU COULD CONVINCE HER TO CHANGE HER MIND.

ME?

YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT HER.

AH, WELL... THAT WAS BEFORE I FOUND OUT

THAT SHE'S A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.

I-I'M SURE SHE WOULDN'T REMEMBER ME.

MEL! MEL!

WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATER? LOOK, A LETTER.

WELL, YOU'VE SEEN ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.

IT'S FROM GUS' NEW SCHOOL. HEY!

TODAY, BABY UNIVERSITY, TOMORROW HARVARD.

WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HARVARD?

I THOUGHT EVERYONE WANTED THEIR KID TO GO TO HARVARD.

I FEEL WE SHOULD AT LEAST CONSIDER YALE, OR MAYBE BROWN.

WE'LL CONTINUE THIS IN 16 YEARS.

JUST READ THE LETTER.

WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY?

HE DIDN'T GET IN. WHAT?

AH!

IT'S BULLSHIT.

THAT WOMAN MADE SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT DIVERSITY

AND WANTING ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE.

APPARENTLY NOT OUR KIND OF PEOPLE.

AND WHAT WAS ALL THAT CRAP

ABOUT LOOKING FOR A KID WITH SAME-SEX PARENTS?

WELL IF SHE'D MEANT IT, WE'D BE OFF BUYING GUS SCHOOL CLOTHES.

WELL, IT'S DISCRIMINATION, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

AGAINST OUR SON.

AND FOR SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

OH, YEAH. YEAH, ONE MORE LIKE THAT.

I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY, MISS DEVORE.

THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

YES. YES!

WELL, I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND.

I DON'T CHANGE MY MIND...

BRILLIANT.

ONLY MY UNDERWEAR.

SASSY. NOW,

IF YOU'LL KINDLY SHOW YOURSELF OUT...

GUESS MY UNCLE WAS RIGHT. EXCUSE ME?

NOTHING. JUST SOMETHING HE SAID.

HE KNEW YOU BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

OH, REALLY? AND WHO WAS THAT?

YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T REMEMBER. VIC GRASSI.

VIC GRASSI? OH MY GOD, I REMEMBER VIC.

IS HE THE ONE YOU TOLD ME WAS SICK?

YEAH, HE'S DOING A LOT BETTER NOW...

NOW THAT HE'S ON THE COCKTAILS.

I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.

TELL HIM I SAID HELLO.

SO, IF VIC IS YOUR UNCLE,

THEN, DEBBIE MUST BE YOUR MOTHER.

YOU KNEW MY MOM?

KNEW HER? I DATED HER.

YOU?

I MEAN...

WELL, BACK THEN I WAS A MALE IMPERSONATOR.

I DID A PRETTY CONVINCING ACT TOO.

SO, HOW'S SHE DOING?

PRACTICALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE.

DID SHE BECOME A NURSE LIKE SHE ALWAYS WANTED?

I NEVER KNEW THAT.

MMM.

JUST A WAITRESS.

JESUS, I CAN STILL HEAR THAT LAUGH OF HERS.

SHE'D BRING DOWN A HOUSE.

I WISH SHE'D BEEN OUT FRONT LAST NIGHT.

OH, AND THAT COMPLEXION. I TELL YOU, KID.

YOUR MOM WAS A REAL LOOKER.

HMM... STILL IS.

JUST, NOW, THERE'S MORE TO LOOK AT.

THIS BENEFIT OF YOURS, UM, WHEN IS IT?

FRIDAY NIGHT.

TELL YOU WHAT. I'LL BE THERE,

AFTER MY SHOW.

THAT'S SO COOL. HUH!

YOU'RE DOING A REALLY GOOD DEED. THANK YOU.

DON'T THANK ME, PAY ME.

SO, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU SAW MY MOM?

UM... WELL, NOT SINCE THAT SUMMER AFTER GRADUATION.

I... I LEFT TOWN AFTER THAT.

I BET YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY INTERESTING STORIES

ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU.

GENTLEMEN DON'T REVEAL SUCH THINGS.

ESPECIALLY GENTLEMEN... WHO ARE LADIES.

WHERE IS HE? MICHAEL!

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU GOT HER TO CHANGE HER MIND.

I CAN'T BELIEVE DEB DATED A DRAG QUEEN.

HOW'D THEY TELL EACH OTHER APART?

AT LEAST NOW WE KNOW WHO TAUGHT HER HOW TO DO HER HAIR.

YOU REALIZE THIS OFFICIALLY MAKES YOUR MOTHER

THE BIGGEST FAG HAG OF ALL THE TIME.

FIRST VIC,

AND THEN YOU, AND NOW...

HER HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART. OH, HI, DEBBIE.

HEY, GUYS. HI, BABY.

I HEAR YOUR OLD BOYFRIEND'S IN TOWN.

WHOO! WHAT THE FUCK'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

I MET SOMEONE THAT YOU USED TO KNOW.

YEAH? WHO?

DANNY DEVORE.

DANNY DEVORE?

BETTER KNOWN AS... DIVINA DEVORE.

MICHAEL GOT HER TO AGREE

TO PERFORM AT THE ANGEL BALL.

YEAH, THANKS TO YOU.

WHAT DID I HAVE TO DO WITH IT?

OH, SHE SAID SHE COULDN'T POSSIBLY TURN DOWN

THE SON OF HER FORMER FLAME.

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

HE HAD NO RIGHT

TO TALK TO MY KID ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE.

WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

HE JUST SAID THAT YOU TWO USED TO GO OUT.

YEAH, IT WAS LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO.

I-I WOULDN'T KNOW HIM IF I F... FELL OVER HIM.

IT'S CRAZY.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE HOLDING ON TO THAT?

IT DOESN'T MUCH MATTER SINCE IT'S MY LAST ONE.

LE BEAU GESTE.

SORELY LACKING IN FICTION

SINCE THE 19th CENTURY FRENCH NOVEL.

HOW NOBLE OF YOU TO REVIVE IT.

FUCK OFF.

DID YOU FIND A JOB?

I MUST'VE TRIED 20 RESTAURANTS. NO ONE'S HIRING.

WHAT'D THE FINANCIAL AID OFFICE SAY?

MY FUCKING FATHER MAKES TOO MUCH MONEY.

WELL, MY OFFER STILL STANDS.

SO DOES MY ANSWER.

I'M GONNA DO THIS ON MY OWN.

CAN YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

SEE? SOME PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO ACCEPT HELP.

IT LOOKS LIKE A GOOD NIGHT.

THIS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE WEEKEND.

REALLY?

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, BUT...

I MEAN, IT REALLY SUCKS OUT THERE.

WHY DO YOU THINK I'M DOING THIS?

YOU KNOW IF THEY'RE LOOKING FOR MORE DANCERS?

GARY'S ALWAYS LOOKING.

SEEING WHAT A DORK I WAS?

OH, YOU WEREN'T A DORK.

NO, I WAS A DORK.

FAT CHANCE. HUH.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FAT.

NO, YOU WERE MORE A DWEEB.

THANKS. BRIAN,

ON THE OTHER HAND... I KNOW,

WAS A TOTAL TURN-ON.

I WAS GOING TO SAY SPAZ.

IS A SPAZ BETTER OR WORSE THAN A DWEEB?

OH... OH, FAR WORSE.

DID I MENTION

I HAVE A THING FOR DWEEBS?

LATER. I WANTED TO CHECK OUT MY MOM'S OLD STUFF.

AH, WELL, WAIT.

THAT'S KIND OF PERSONAL, ISN'T IT?

WELL, SHE NEVER REALLY TOLD ME MUCH, YOU KNOW.

EVERY TIME I'D ASK ABOUT BACK THEN,

SHE'D SAY, "I DID MY HOMEWORK AND LISTENED TO MY FOLKS.

AND YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME."

HUH.

SHE MUST'VE BEEN A CHEERLEADER.

HUH?

OR MAYBE THOSE WERE VIC'S.

HUH.

OH...

HER YEARBOOK. HMM.

CHECK OUT THE GIRLS' HAIRDOS.

YEAH.

REALLY...

BORING.

REALLY STRAIGHT.

WHEW. WHERE'S YOUR MOM?

UM...

GRASSI, GRASSI, GRASSI. GRA...

DEBORAH JEAN GRASSI. AH.

LIKE DIVINA SAID, MOM WAS A REAL LOOKER.

YEAH.

WONDER WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE.

WHAT COMES AFTER "SPAZ"?

OH, "SCARY".

SO... DECARLO, DIETRICH...

DANNY DEVORE.

WHAT?

HMM. HE'S KIND OF CUTE.

IF YOU HAVE A THING FOR DWEEBS.

THEY SAID I SHOULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT A JOB.

DOING WHAT?

DANCING.

EVER DANCE PROFESSIONALLY?

NO, BUT I... I DANCE HERE ALL THE TIME. YEAH,

YOU AND 1,000
OTHER QUEERS. WHAT MAKES YOU SPECIAL?

I-I WAS KING OF BABYLON.

WHO WASN'T? SORRY, YOUR MAJESTY.

I DON'T HAVE ANY POSITIONS OPEN.

I-I'M SURE THAT IF YOU SAW ME... HEY,

I'M BUSY.

ONE DANCE, THAT'S ALL.

IF I SUCK, YOU CAN KICK MY ASS OUT.

YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A BODY.

NO PECS, NO ABS, NO BICEPS.

I HAVE A GREAT ASS, AND I'M BLONDE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FAR THAT GETS ME.

ONE DANCE. MAKE IT GOOD.

TRY NOT TO STEP ON MY WONTONS.

HE SAID I'D BE PULLING ANYWHERE

FROM 2- TO 300 A NIGHT.

AH. WELL, THAT'D BETTER BE ALL YOU'RE PULLING, YOUNG MAN.

AND REMEMBER, YOU STILL HAVE YOUR SCHOOL WORK TO DO.

AND WHAT IF I DON'T?

UM, YOU'LL HAVE TO BE SPANKED. HUH!

YEAH, JUST TRY IT.

DOWN. STOP!

YOU LIKE IT. OW!

I WAS KIDDING! STOP, STOP.

OH, YEAH! DADDY, DON'T HURT ME TOO BAD.

OH...

JESUS. OH, NOTE TO SELF:

MAKE SURE TO LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

I DON'T CARE. I'M GOING TO ASK HIM ANYWAY.

KUNG PAO CHICKEN?

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

SPICY BEAN CURD?

WHENEVER WE ASK HIM TO DO SOMETHING,

HE SYSTEMATICALLY TURNS US DOWN.

ASK ME WHAT?

I WANT YOU TO BE MY HUSBAND.

YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE.

IT'S FOR GUS.

HE GOT REJECTED

BY THE CENTRE FOR EARLY DEVELOPMENT.

AND WE THINK IT'S BECAUSE HE'S GOT TWO MOMS.

SO, NOW YOU WANT TO PASS HIM OFF

AS THE PRODUCT OF A HAPPY HETERO HOME LIFE?

FUCK THAT SHIT.

I TOLD YOU, HE'S A TOTAL HETEROPHOBE.

THAT'S TRUE, HE IS.

IT'S TRUE, I AM.

BRIAN, YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER ASK YOU TO COMPROMISE YOUR VALUES.

SUCH AS THEY ARE.

BUT YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID,

"IT'S NOT LYING IF THEY MAKE YOU LIE."

YOU WANT GUS TO HAVE THE SAME ADVANTAGES

AS KIDS WHO'VE GOT A MOMMY AND A DADDY, DON'T YOU?

YOU WANT HIM TO GO TO THE BEST SCHOOLS, RECEIVE THE BEST EDUCATION?

THEN YOU'VE TO HELP US MAKE SURE

THAT DESPITE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT THINK OF US,

HE'S NOT THE ONE WHO SUFFERS.

SO WE FOUND ANOTHER SCHOOL.

AND WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TOMORROW.

HOW LONG DID THEY GO OUT FOR? I-I CAN'T REMEMBER.

WAS IT SERIOUS? HOW DO I KNOW?

DID SHE LOVE HIM? SHE DIDN'T SAY.

DIDN'T SAY? THERE'S NOTHING MOM DOESN'T SAY.

LOOK, MICHAEL, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER?

ASK ME WHAT?

ABOUT DANNY DEVORE.

CHRIST. I HAVEN'T HEARD HIS NAME MENTIONED IN 30 YEARS,

AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT'S ALL I HEAR.

I SAW HIS PICTURE IN YOUR YEARBOOK.

WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU YOU COULD BE LOOKING IN MY YEARBOOK?

YOU NEVER SAID I COULDN'T.

IT'S JUST THAT THIS PICTURE OF HIM,

IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT DOESN'T LOOK THE LEAST BIT LIKE YOU.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE YOUR READING GLASSES ON.

FINE. MAKE ME FEEL OLDER THAN I ALREADY DO.

THERE.

I STILL DON'T SEE IT. VIC, DO YOU SEE IT?

CAN'T SAY I DO.

AH, COME ON.

WE HAVE THE SAME EYES, THE SAME NOSE, THE SAME MOUTH.

TELL ME THAT'S NOT MY CHIN.

NOT EVEN CLOSE.

AND TRUST ME, I KNOW CHINS.

I HAVE SEVERAL OF THEM.

MA, I JUST WANT YOU TO TELL ME.

TELL YOU WHAT?

WHY DANNY DEVORE AND I LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE.

I'VE GOT TO PUT THE CLOTHES IN THE DRYER.

STAY RIGHT THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?

HE SAID THAT YOU WENT OUT SUMMER AFTER GRADUATION.

THAT WAS 1969.

I WAS BORN MARCH, 1970.

I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING.

ARE YOU ASKING ME I-I-IF SOME OLD DRAG QUEEN

THAT I ONCE KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL IS YOUR FATHER?

YOU KNOW WHO YOUR FATHER IS.

THIS IS YOUR FATHER.

JOHN MICHAEL NOVOTNY.

LIEUTENANT IN THE U.S. ARMY.

DIED IN VIETNAM, APRIL 10th, 1970.

TWO WEEKS AFTER YOU WERE BORN. TWO WEEKS AFTER I WAS BORN.

I KNOW.

YOU TOLD ME A MILLION TIMES...

THAT THIS GUY IN THIS PICTURE,

WHO I DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE ME, IS MY DAD.

BUT THAT'S ALL YOU'VE TOLD ME.

WELL, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

WELL, WHO ARE MY GRANDPARENTS?

THEY'RE DEAD.

AUNTS AND UNCLES?

THERE WEREN'T ANY.

SO, HE WAS JUST A WAR HERO?

"JUST"?

THEY AWARDED HIM THE PURPLE HEART.

HE WAS ON A RESCUE MISSION,

CARVING HIS WAY THROUGH THE JUNGLE

WHEN A LAND MINE EXPLODED.

YOU SAID IT WAS A JEEP ACCIDENT.

HE WAS CARVING HIS WAY IN A JEEP...

WHEN IT RAN OVER A LAND MINE.

YOU CAN'T EVEN KEEP THE GODDAMN STORY STRAIGHT.

STOP CONFUSING ME!

LOOK, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?

YOUR OWN MOTHER?

I TOLD YOU WHO YOUR FATHER WAS,

AND I EXPECT YOU TO BELIEVE ME.

GONNA GO SEE GRANDMA?

JUST PROMISE ME YOU'LL BEHAVE.

I WON'T MENTION DICK, IF YOU DON'T MENTION PUSSY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I DON'T WANT YOU GETTING INTO ONE OF YOUR MOODS AND...

HEY, I WANT THE HOMO-HATERS TO LIKE OUR KID

JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

YOU LOOK VERY HANDSOME IN THAT SUIT.

WELL, I TOOK A BATH AND EVERYTHING.

THIS IS IT. DON'T BE NERVOUS.

IF MY HEART RATE WAS ANY LOWER, I'D BE DEAD.

OOH...

HI. BYE.

OH, HELLO. HELLO, WE'RE THE, UH....

THE KINNEYS? WHO?

UH, UH, MR. AND MRS. KINNEY? RIGHT!

SOMETIMES SHE FORGETS. DON'T YOU, HONEY?

I DIDN'T FORGET. HUH! HE'S SUCH A KIDDER.

OH, OH, PLEASE.

UH, I'LL TELL MS. HARPER YOU'RE HERE.

I TOLD YOU TO BEHAVE. GEE...

WELL, YOU COULD SEND ME TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

BUT I'M ALREADY HERE.

THIS IS ALL SO STRANGE.

I MEAN, I ALWAYS KNEW ONE DAY I'D HAVE A CHILD.

LIKE GUS. AND HE'D GO TO A SCHOOL, LIKE THIS ONE.

BUT I NEVER IMAGINED IT TO BE LIKE THIS.

WELL, THERE'S NO PREDICTING.

OOPS, I SAID "DICK",

DIDN'T I?

CAN'T YOU BE SERIOUS, FOR EVEN A MINUTE?

YOU'RE ON. UH...

IN FACT, THERE WAS EVEN A TIME...

WHEN WE FIRST MET...

THAT I THOUGHT THIS COULD'VE BEEN THE REALITY.

DID YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY?

NO.

WELL, YOU WANTED ME TO BE SERIOUS, I...

THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU.

MR. AND MRS. KINNEY?

OH. MINUTE'S UP. OH... YEAH.

OH, PLEASE, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.

IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOUNG PARENTS

EXPRESSING AFFECTION.

AND I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN

TO SEE THAT TOO, DON'T YOU AGREE?

COME INTO MY OFFICE, PLEASE,

AND WE'LL DISCUSS GUS' FUTURE.

I'D NEVER, IN A MILLION YEARS, KNOW IT WAS YOU.

30 YEARS IS A LONG TIME.

TRY 31, HUH!

BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

SO, COME ON IN. HUH.

CAN I FIX YOU A DRINK?

NO. NO, THANKS.

GOD, YOU GOT MORE SHIT THAN I DO. THESE DAYS,

IT TAKES A LITTLE LONGER TO LOOK FABULOUS.

HUH! TELL ME ABOUT IT.

IS THIS REAL? HONEY, I WISH.

SO, HOW ARE YOU DOING, MY DIVINA?

THAT'S WHAT YOU CALLED ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.

NOW, YOUR SON TELLS ME YOU WORK AT THE DINER

AND VIC WAS SICK, AND NOW HE'S BETTER.

30 YEARS IN A NUTSHELL.

31. YEAH.

MICHAEL... IS A VERY NICE YOUNG MAN.

I'M VERY PROUD OF HIM.

AND I WOULD BE TOO.

HE'S POLITE, CARING, GOOD LOOKING.

IN FACT, HE REMINDED ME A LOT OF SOMEONE I USED TO KNOW.

ONLY AT FIRST,

I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHO IT WAS.

THEN WHEN I DISCOVERED THAT YOU'RE HIS MOTHER, I REALIZED...

I WAS LOOKING AT MYSELF.

IN A MIRROR, THROUGH TIME.

WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME?

YOU'D ALREADY LEFT TOWN.

RUN OFF TO THE BIG CITY TO BE A STAR.

W-WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? CALL YOU UP

AND SAY, "HEY!

GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE A DAD.

COME BACK AND MARRY ME."

SO, YOU DECIDED TO HAVE HIM ON YOUR OWN,

RAISE HIM ON YOUR OWN.

MUST'VE TAKEN A LOT OF COURAGE.

IT WAS THE EASIEST DECISION I EVER MADE.

WHO'D YOU TELL HIM HIS FATHER WAS?

A SOLDIER WHO'D DIED IN VIETNAM.

I PICKED HIS NAME OUT OF THE NEWSPAPER, FROM A LIST OF THE DEAD.

I EVEN CHANGED MY OWN NAME.

HMM. YOU WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE

TO MAKE SURE HE'D NEVER FIND OUT.

I WANTED HIM TO HAVE A HERO.

AND I COULD NEVER BE THAT.

IT WASN'T SO MUCH THAT YOU WERE GAY, DANNY.

I ALWAYS...

KIND OF SUSPECTED. IN FACT, THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I LIKED YOU.

IT'S THAT YOU LIED TO ME.

YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY ONE.

I LIED TO MYSELF AS WELL.

I WANTED TO BE SOMETHING I WASN'T.

WELL, YOU SURE AS HELL SUCCEEDED.

AND HE SURE AS HELL DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW

THAT HIS DAD WAS A DRAG QUEEN.

AND NOW HE'S FOUND YOUR GODDAMN PICTURE

IN THE YEARBOOK.

AND HE'S PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.

AND KNOWING HIM, HE'S COMING HERE TO TALK TO YOU

ANY MINUTE. CHRIST, WHAT DO I TELL HIM?

HELL IF I KNOW.

WELL, I'M SURE IF YOU EXPLAINED, THAT HE'D UNDERSTAND.

WHAT, THAT I'VE LIED TO HIM HIS ENTIRE LIFE?

HE'LL NEVER TRUST ME AGAIN.

AND I WOULDN'T BLAME HIM.

WE WERE WITH HER ALMOST TWOAND-A-HALF HOURS.

SHE SEEMED REALLY IMPRESSED.

WELL, THAT'S A GOOD SIGN, ISN'T IT?

I HOPE SO.

AH... CHRIST, I HATE THESE HEELS.

BABY, COME HERE.

THAT'S NICE.

AND BRIAN BEHAVED HIMSELF?

MORE THAN BEHAVED.

HE WAS CHARMING AND ATTENTIVE.

I HOPE NOT TOO ATTENTIVE.

HE COMPLIMENTED THE SCHOOL UP THE WAZOO.

EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

SO, WHY SUDDENLY THE LONG FACE?

IT SHOULD'VE BEEN YOU AND ME IN THERE.

AH...

WHATEVER IT TAKES.

BESIDES, IT WAS YOUR IDEA. I KNOW.

IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD ONE AT THE TIME, BUT...

NOW, I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

SOMETIMES THE ENDS ACTUALLY DO JUSTIFY THE MEANS.

BESIDES, THE IMPORTANT THING IS,

IS THAT GUS HAS THE SAME CHANCE AS EVERY OTHER KID.

Y-ELLO? May I speak with Mrs. Kinney?

WHO? Mrs. Kinney.

AH-OH... YES,

HANG ON.

MRS. KINNEY.

HELLO?

MS. HARPER.

YES, THANK YOU.

OH-H, MEL AND I... I MEAN...

BRIAN AND I FELT THE SAME WAY.

WE WOULD BE SO PLEASED IF GUS WAS ENROLLED IN...

WHAT?

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

"UH-HUH", WHAT?

I UNDERSTAND.

WELL, UH...

THANK YOU FOR CALLING.

WHAT? WHAT'D SHE SAY?

HE DIDN'T GET IN. WHAT?

HE DIDN'T GET IN. HUH.

OH, GOD... MS. HARPER CALLED WITH HER APOLOGIES.

SHE THOUGHT MY HUSBAND AND I WERE ABSOLUTELY CHARMING

AND THEY WOULD LOVE TO HAVE GUS, BUT...

SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

THEY ONLY HAD ONE SPOT OPEN

AND THEY GAVE IT TO ANOTHER CHILD...

WITH SAME-SEX PARENTS.

HUH... ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

THE BOARD DECIDED

THAT THE STUDENT POPULATION HAD TO BE MORE DIVERSIFIED.

WELL, WE'RE GOING TO SUE.

TH-THIS IS DISCRIMINATION.

AGAINST WHO? HETEROSEXUALS?

HUH...

YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS!

OH, WAIT TILL BRIAN HEARS.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?

I'M GOING TO TAKE A BATH.

AND FIRST THING TOMORROW,

WE'RE GOING TO LOOK FOR ANOTHER SCHOOL.

AND THIS TIME,

GUS' PARENTS, LINDSAY AND MELANIE,

WILL GO TO THE INTERVIEW.

COME ON, RUB MY OTHER FOOT.

I'LL RUB YOUR OTHER FOOT,

I'LL TELL YOU I'M GOING TO RUB.

OH!

WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL,

I HAD A PARTTIME JOB WALKING PEOPLE'S DOGS.

WHO KNEW YOU COULD MAKE MONEY WAGGING YOUR TAIL?

SOME TURNOUT, HUH?

CONGRATULATIONS, BABY. THANK YOU,

BUT I OWE IT ALL TO MICHAEL FOR DELIVERING DIVINA.

THERE YOU GO. THANKS.

OH, SHOW'S ABOUT TO START.

OOH.

SEE YA.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO STAY?

HEY, ARE YOU STICKING AROUND?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIS NUMBER ONE FAN.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

HOW CAN SOMEBODY PUT ON AN ACT LIKE THAT ALL THESE YEARS?

I'D RATHER HAVE A HIGH COLONIC

THAN HEAR SOME OLD QUEEN DO "ROSE'S TURN".

I MEAN MY MOTHER.

YOU DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.

THAT MY MOM LIED TO ME?

THAT MY FATHER'S NOT A WAR HERO, HE'S...

JUDY GARLAND?

WOULD YOU PREFER BETTE DAVIS?

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST FORGET IT.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LADIES WHO ARE GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN WHO ARE LADIES

AND ANYONE ELSE THAT MANAGEMENT SINCERELY REGRETS HAVING OMITTED,

THE ANGEL BALL WELCOMES ITS FAVOURITE ANGEL,

PITTSBURGH'S OWN MISS DIVINA DEVORE.

LOOK UP THERE!

OOH, PITTSBURGH.

MICHAEL.

MAY I COME IN? WELL, I...

USUALLY DON'T UNDRESS IN FRONT OF MEN I BARELY KNOW,

BUT, I YOUR CASE, I'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

HOW'D IT GO? DID "ANGELS OVER PITTSBURGH"

MAKE BUCKETS OF BUCKS?

ENOUGH TO BAIL THEM OUT FOR A WHILE.

IT WAS GREAT OF YOU TO HELP.

WELL, IT'S THE LAST BENEFIT I'LL EVER DO.

SOMEHOW I DOUBT THAT.

WELL...

YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, MICHAEL.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.

ACTUALLY, I HAVE ANOTHER FAVOUR.

OH, FOR... HEAVEN'S SAKE,

HAVEN'T WE DONE ENOUGH FOR HUMANITY?

ANY MORE AND... AND I'LL BE IRRITABLE ALL WEEK.

IT'S NOT CHARITY.

ALTHOUGH YOU'D BE HELPING ME OUT A LOT IF YOU'D LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK.

AND THIS IS YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT IN 30...

MAKE THAT 18 YEARS.

NOTICE ANY RESEMBLANCE?

YEAH. IT'S UNMISTAKABLE.

I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE TOM CRUISE.

I MEANT TO ME.

YOU.

WELL, I APPRECIATE THE FLATTERY,

BUT FRANKLY, NO. I DON'T SEE IT.

HOW CAN YOU MISS IT?

I MEAN, THE WAY YOU LOOKED BACK THEN, THE WAY I LOOK NOW.

I MEAN, WE'RE PRACTICALLY IDENTICAL TWINS.

WELL, I SUPPOSE IF YOU SQUINT

THERE'S A SLIGHT RESEMBLANCE. BUT SO WHAT?

HERE, HELP ME WITH THIS ZIPPER.

I ASKED FOR A DRESSER,

AND THEY'RE TOO GODDAMN CHEAP... ARE YOU MY FATHER?

THIS IS A FINE TIME TO ASK.

AS YOU'RE HELPING ME OUT OF MY GOWN.

YOU WERE SEEING MY MOTHER THEN.

THE TIMING IS EXACTLY RIGHT FOR YOU TO HAVE...

KNOCKED HER UP?

FIRST, I WOULD'VE HAD TO HAVE GOTTEN IT UP.

WHAT, YOU MEAN, YOU AND SHE NEVER...

LOOK AT ME.

DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF GUY

WHO GOES AROUND BANGING BABES?

YOUR MOTHER WAS HARDLY MY TYPE.

BUT YOU SAID SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL

AND THAT BACK THEN YOU USED TO BAT FOR THE OTHER TEAM.

DRAG QUEENS ARE NOTORIOUS LIARS,

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

SO, WHAT DOES YOUR MOTHER SAY?

SHE SAYS MY FATHER

IS THIS BIG WAR HERO.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE THAT?

BECAUSE THE STORY KEEPS CHANGING, AND THE...

THERE'S ONLY ONE PICTURE, AND THE GUY DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE ME.

LOOK, I'M NOT MAKING ANY DEMANDS.

I'M NOT EVEN ASKING THAT WE STAY IN TOUCH,

I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

MICHAEL, MAY I...

TELL YOU THE ONE TRUTH I'VE LEARNED IN ALL MY YEARS?

THE TRUTH...

IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE.

WHEN I'M ON STAGE,

PEOPLE BELIEVE I'M DIVINA DEVORE.

NOT BECAUSE I'M A GREAT FEMALE IMPERSONATOR,

BUT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.

WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH WHETHER YOU'RE MY FATHER,

O-OR IF MY MOTHER LIED TO ME?

YOUR MOTHER...

GAVE YOU SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

A HERO.

A FATHER YOU COULD BE PROUD OF.

BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

WHETHER YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IT OR NOT...

IS UP TO YOU.

STILL HERE?

SO, HOW DID I DO?

NOT BAD...

FOR YOUR FIRST TIME.

BUT, THE TIPS SUCK.

WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?

MORE THAN I MAKE WORKING AT THE DINER.

WELL, YOU NEED TO DANCE ON THE BAR.

HOW DO I DO THAT?

LOOK, YOU GOTTA WORK YOUR WAY UP.

MAYBE IN SIX MONTHS.

HUH, SIX MONTHS?

I NEED MONEY NOW TO PAY FOR SCHOOL.

THAT IS A PROBLEM.

TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU GIVE ME SOME TIME, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME.

NO, THANKS.

UP TO YOU. OH, BUT IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND

AND DECIDE YOU WANT TO MAKE, SAY...

A COUPLE OF THOU' A MONTH, LET ME KNOW.

STILL UP?

YEAH, I'M DOING MY HOMEWORK.

IT'S LATE.

I HAD TO TALK TO THE BOSS.

MM-HMM.

HE SAID STARTING TOMORROW I COULD DANCE ON THE BAR.

AFTER ONLY ONE NIGHT?

I TOLD YOU I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

YEAH, I GUESS YOU CAN.

MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO LATE?

UM... COULDN'T SLEEP.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

SAME.

I CAME TO RETURN THIS.

YOU CAN HAVE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST PUTTING THINGS AWAY,

MAKING ROOM.

SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO.

IT'S DAD'S SHRINE.

YEAH, SO?

SO, YOU CAN'T JUST GET RID OF IT.

NO NEED FOR IT NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THERE'S NO NEED TO PRETEND, MICHAEL.

THE TRUTH IS... JUST LIKE YOU SAID.

MY FATHER...

IS LIEUTENANT JOHN MICHAEL NOVOTNY.

DIED IN VIETNAM, APRIL 10th, 1970.

HE WAS KILLED JUST TWO WEEKS AFTER I WAS BORN,

WHEN THE JEEP HE WAS DRIVING RAN OVER A LAND MINE

WHILE HE WAS CARVING A PATH THROUGH THE JUNGLE

ON A MISSION TO SAVE HIS TROOPS.

RIGHT, MA?

RIGHT.

FOR WHICH HE WAS POSTHUMOUSLY AWARDED...

THE PURPLE HEART.

AND HIS LAST WORDS WERE...

"TELL MY SON

I LOVE HIM MORE...

THAN LIFE ITSELF...

AND I'LL ALWAYS BE PROUD OF HIM."