Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 1 - Premiere - full transcript

BY THE WAY, THAT'S ME, 6'1", 46-INCH CHEST,

16-INCH BICEPS, 28-INCH WAIST.

A VERITABLE GOD...

I WISH.

OKAY, THAT'S ME.

MICHAEL NOVOTNY, THE SEMI-CUTE "BOY NEXT DOOR" TYPE.

29, 5'10", 140. 9-12 CUT; ALL RIGHT, SO I EXAGGERATE,

BUT LIKE, WHO'S TOLD THE TRUTH SINCE THEY INVENTED CYBERSEX?

WHEN DID '70s NIGHT BECOME '80s NIGHT?

I REMEMBER THIS SONG FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

TALK ABOUT FEELING ANCIENT.



SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, HONEY, I WAS A MERE CHILD.

THOSE ARE MY TWO BUDDIES, TED AND EMMETT.

GIVE ME THOSE DIVAS OF DISCO ANY DAY. GLORIA GAYNOR.

DONNA SUMMER.

AND MISS ALISHA BRIDGES.

OH!

O-OH... MY GOD.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL?

VENICE, AT SUNSET.

FINE, YOU GO DOWN THE GRAND CANAL,

I'LL GO DOWN ON HIM.

O-OH-H-H!

EMMETT CAN BE A LITTLE CAMPY.

OKAY, A LOT CAMPY. BUT YOU GOT TO ADMIT,



IT TAKES REAL GUTS TO BE A QUEEN IN A WORLD FULL OF COMMONERS.

THE PROBLEM WITH PERFECTION

IS ITS INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE

ANYTHING LESS PERFECT THAN ITSELF.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU HIT ON HIM

AND HE TURNED YOU DOWN.

YEAH.

TED'S THIS REALLY SMART GUY AND HE'S GOT A REALLY BIG HEART.

ONLY, NOBODY HERE IS INTERESTED IN THE SIZE OF THAT ORGAN.

WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME

STARING AT A BUNCH OF OVER-PUMPED PRINCESSES

WITH IQs SMALLER THAN THEIR WAIST...

JESUS, LOOK AT HIM.

LIKE I SAID, IT'S ALL ABOUT SEX.

EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE HAVING IT.

AND THEN IT'S ALL ABOUT, "WILL HE STAY?" "WILL HE GO?"

"HOW AM I DOING?" "WHAT AM I DOING?"

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE...

BRIAN KINNEY.

AND THEN IT'S, "WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK?

YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE ME."

I'LL GET BRIAN.

HEY, TODD, HOW'S IT GOING? FINE.

WE NEED TO GO.

WE WANT TO EAT.

I'M JUST GOING TO GIVE HIM MY NUMBER.

WHAT'D YOU DO, WRITE IT ON YOUR DICK?

HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?

10 MINUTES, TOPS.

HMM, BRUNO.

LO-OVE YOUR OUTFIT.

NOT EVERYONE CAN WEAR TANGERINE.

HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO WAIT? I'VE GOT TO WORK IN THE MORNING.

WHO DOESN'T? HE SAID HE'D BE RIGHT OUT.

YEAH, WE'VE ALL HEARD THAT BEFORE.

THIS IS SOME GREAT SYSTEM HE'S GOT.

HE GETS TO PARTY ALL NIGHT AND YOU DRIVE HIM HOME.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL, OKAY?

HMM. DON'T LOOK NOW BUT, UH,

SOMEBODY'S WATCHING.

OH, HIM. HE HAS BEEN CRUISING ME ALL NIGHT.

HMM, PLAYING HARD TO GET.

I LOVE THAT IN A MAN.

NOT PLAYING, JUST NOT INTERESTED.

CHECK OUT THAT BUBBLE BUTT.

AND THAT BASKET.

ENOUGH IN THERE FOR THE BIG, BAD WOLF.

WOULD YOU QUIT STARING?

THERE'S MORE TO A GUY THAN HIS COCK SIZE.

HMM.

LOOK AT THAT!

OR HIS PERFECTLY SHAPED ASS.

WHICH IS WHY YOU READ ALL THOSE COMIC BOOKS

WITH THOSE SUPER-HEROES IN THEIR LITTLE TIGHTS...

FOR THE PLOT.

I TOLD YOU, I AM NOT INTERESTED.

MAYBE JUST FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD BE.

SHOW A CERTAIN SOMEONE

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SCORE.

'SCUSE ME.

UH, COULD YOU TELL ME, LIKE,

WHERE'S A GOOD PLACE TO GO?

DEPENDS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

YOU WANT TWINKIES, GO TO BOYTOY.

YOU WANT LEATHER, GO TO THE MEATHOOK.

IF YOU WANT SNOTTY, CONCEITED ASSHOLES

WHO THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE, TRY PISTOL.

IT'S KIND OF LATE TO BE OUT, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

ESPECIALLY ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME WITH ME, HMM?

NO THANKS. HUH!

GO ON HOME TO YOUR MOMMY.

GO ON.

THAT WAS QUICK.

WELL, WHEN YOU'VE HAD AS MUCH PRACTICE AS HE'S HAD...

I GOT BORED.

I KNOW. GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED CAN BE SO TEDIOUS.

WELL, HE LOOKED PRETTY HOT TO ME.

ANYBODY WOULD LOOK HOT TO YOU.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.

WHEN HE CAME ALONG.

HOW'S IT GOING?

HAD A BUSY NIGHT?

JUST, UH, CHECKING OUT THE BARS, YOU KNOW?

BOYTOY, MEATHOOK.

THE MEATHOOK. REALLY?

SO YOU'RE INTO LEATHER?

SURE.

WHERE YOU HEADED?

NO PLACE SPECIAL.

I CAN CHANGE THAT.

HEY!

HEY! WHAT ABOUT US?

YOU CAN RIDE WITH TED.

THANKS A LOT. ASSHOLE!

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MISS RIDING HOOD AND HER BIG BASKET.

FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO STALK, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

GO HOME.

COMING IN?

HUH? OH, YEAH.

SHUT THE DOOR.

THIS IS A... REALLY NICE PLACE.

I LIKE YOUR KITCHEN.

DO YOU LIKE SPECIAL K?

IT'S OKAY. I LIKE CHEERIOS BETTER.

I DON'T MEAN THE KIND YOU EAT WITH BANANAS.

MY DISCO-PHARMACOLOGIST COOKS THIS UP FOR ME.

I'M REALLY ALLERGIC TO A LOT OF DRUGS.

THE DOCTOR GAVE ME PENICILLIN ONCE,

NEARLY KILLED ME.

AND...

TYLENOL. TYLENOL?

NO ONE'S ALLERGIC TO TYLENOL. TYLENOL'S WHAT THEY GIVE YOU

WHEN YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING ELSE.

OH.

WELL, UH, CODEINE. CODEINE'S THE WORST.

LIKE, I GET DIARRHEA

AND START VOMITING UNCONTROLLABLY AT THE SAME TIME.

WELL, WE'LL MAKE SURE AND KEEP THAT ONE ON THE TOP SHELF.

OUT OF REACH.

SO, ARE YOU COMING OR GOING?

OR COMING AND THEN GOING?

OR COMING AND STAYING?

THANK YOU FOR THE LIFT.

SEE YA. BYE.

OH MY GOD, LOOK.

HE MUST HAVE FOLLOWED US.

CHRIST, THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED.

HONEY, IT'S WHAT WE ALL NEED.

HEY! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT LAID?

MY POINT EXACTLY.

IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER, THEN IT'S TIME.

NOW, WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?

GO, UH, GO INVITE THE GENTLEMAN IN

WHILE I MAKE SURE NONE OF MY FINE WASHABLES

ARE HANGING IN THE TUB.

DON'T COME YET.

HAH, I'LL TRY.

STOP.

SO, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?

DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

WATCH TV, PLAY TOMB RAIDER.

I MEAN IN BED.

OH.

THIS IS FINE.

ARE YOU A TOP OR A BOTTOM?

TOP... AND BOTTOM.

OH, YOU'RE VERSATILE, THEN.

AND AMBIDEXTROUS...

WHICH WAS REALLY CONFUSING AT FIRST

'CAUSE I COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT WHICH HAND TO THROW WITH.

DO YOU LIKE TO RIM?

SURE. I LOVE IT.

GREAT.

GO TO IT.

WELL?

UM, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN?

YEAH?

WHAT?

WHEN?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

NO, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT KIDDING ME. WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

WELL, OF COURSE I WAS OUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SHIT!

JESUS CHRIST! I TOLD YOU NOT TO.

I TRIED. I'M SORRY.

ALL OVER MY NEW DUVET. I TRIED.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'LL WASH OUT, WON'T IT?

I MEAN, YOU SHOULD SEE MY SHEETS AT HOME.

JUST SOME KID. WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

JUSTIN. JUSTIN.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

OOH, DON'T MIND ME.

JUST, UH, CAN'T SLEEP

WITHOUT MY MILK AND OREOS.

THAT'S MY FRIEND EMMETT. HE'S STAYING WITH ME TEMPORARILY

SINCE THE HOOKER WHO LIVED DOWN THE HALL FROM HIM

BURNED HIS APARTMENT BUILDING DOWN TWO YEARS AGO.

TWO YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO BE TEMPORARY.

AND YET IT HASN'T INTERFERED WITH MY LOVE LIFE.

WHICH, I SUPPOSE, SAYS A LOT ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE.

DO YOU MIND IF WE SKIP THE BACK STORY AND CUT TO THE CHASE?

IT'S ALMOST 2:00
IN THE MORNING.

YOU HAVE A GREAT ASS.

OH YEAH?

SO DO YOU, IT'S REALLY...

FIRM.

IT'S CALLED "THE BUTT".

I GOT IT IN A CATALOGUE.

PARTS DEPARTMENT.

MELANIE CALLED. IT'S HAPPENED.

WHAT? OH MY GOD! WHEN?

I don't know, I had my damn cell phone off.

I'M PICKING YOU UP IN TWO MINUTES.

NOW? I... KIND OF GOT MY HANDS FULL.

"THE BULGE".

YOU ORDER BOTH, YOU GET A DISCOUNT.

WHO'S THAT?

UH, NO ONE.

MIKEY, YOU'VE GOT SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU.

I can't believe it.

YOU SHOULD ONLY BE HERE.

Forget about it, don't let me bother you.

FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

NO, WAIT. PICK ME UP. I-I'M READY.

NOW.

WE GOING TO DO THIS OR NOT?

I AM REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

UM, A FRIEND OF MINE NEEDS ME.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

SHIT. AFTER ALL THAT? I KNOW.

I PROMISE WE'LL RESCHEDULE.

NO "IFS", "ANDS" OR...

WHAT'S GOING ON? EVERYTHING.

COME ON, GET UP. YOU GOTTA GO.

WHERE? HOME.

I CAN'T GO HOME NOW. MY...

MY PARENTS THINK I'M STAYING AT A FRIEND'S.

YOU LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS?

WELL, I'M STILL IN SCHOOL.

I MEAN, COLLEGE.

WHAT YEAR ARE YOU IN? JUNIOR.

SOPHOMORE. BETWEEN MY JUNIOR AND SOPHOMORE YEAR.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

21.

WHAT YEAR WERE YOU BORN?

1979.

BULLSHIT. YOU HAD TO THINK BEFORE YOU ANSWERED THAT.

HOW OLD ARE YOU REALLY?

20.

19.

18.

WELL WHAT IS THIS, A MISSILE LAUNCH?

17.

WHAT IS WITH KIDS TODAY?

WE JUST WANT TO GET LAID LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH ANYONE BEFORE?

SURE.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

THIS IS SORT OF MY FIRST.

I FIGURED.

KIND OF YOUNG, AREN'T YOU?

WELL, I WAS 14 MY FIRST TIME.

THAT'S REALLY YOUNG.

WITH MY GYM TEACHER.

I BET HE WAS SOME OLD PERV.

THAT OLD PERV WAS PROBABLY THE SAME AGE THAT I AM NOW.

IT WAS AFTER SCHOOL IN THE LOCKER ROOMS.

HE WAS TAKING A SHOWER.

I WENT BACK FOR SOMETHING.

A BOOK, MY JOCKSTRAP,

I DON'T REMEMBER.

ANYWAY, THERE HE WAS ALL NAKED SOAPING HIMSELF.

HE SAW ME THERE,

A BIG BONER UNDER MY CHINOS.

SHIT. I WALKED RIGHT INTO THE SHOWERS

WITH ALL MY CLOTHES ON.

NO.

GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES

AND SUCKED HIM OFF RIGHT THERE.

HE LET YOU?

LET ME?

HE LOVED IT.

I BET YOU WERE SCARED.

WELL, I GUESS WE'RE ALL A LITTLE SCARED OUR FIRST TIME.

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ANY MORE.

YOU BROUGHT HIM?

HE'S GOT NOWHERE TO GO.

GET IN.

JEEZ!

OH, MY GOD.

SAY HELLO TO YOUR SON.

WELL, GO ON.

WHEN DID IT START?

AROUND 7:00.

SIX HOURS LATER, THERE HE WAS.

OH, I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN HERE.

HOW OFTEN DO I GET TO SEE SNATCH?

LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.

I GUESS HE MUST BE MINE THEN.

WANT TO HOLD HIM?

OKAY, CAREFUL. DON'T DROP HIM.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I WAS PLANNING ON DOING.

WE'VE BEEN THINKING OF NAMES.

MEL WANTS TO CALL HIM ABRAHAM AFTER HER GRANDFATHER,

BUT I LIKE GUS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU WOULDN'T SURVIVE A DAY AT SCHOOL BEING NAMED ABRAHAM.

BUT I GUESS GUS IS OKAY.

HAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

HIS NAME'S J...

JUSTIN.

YOU WERE ON THE PHONE WHEN HE SHOT HIS LOAD ALL OVER ME.

OH, BRIAN!

HE CAN'T HELP IT.

HE'S ONLY 17.

SO, YOU AND LINDSAY EACH HAD AN INFANT TONIGHT.

YEAH, BUT MINE DOESN'T SUCK ON MY TITS.

NOT UNLESS I WANT HIM TO.

"GUS". IT'S A GOOD BUTCH NAME.

COME ON, GUS,

GIVE YOUR DADDY A SMILE.

IT'S DISGUSTING, ALL THOSE LESBIANS

FAWNING OVER HIM AND MAKING GOO-GOO TALK.

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN DO OVER BABIES.

WHO'S TALKING ABOUT THE BABY? I MEAN JUSTIN.

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD, YOU HAVING A KID.

STILL, IT'S EXCITING, ISN'T IT?

WHAT? HAVING SOME WRINKLED LITTLE TIME-CLOCK TICKING AWAY?

REMINDING YOU THAT YOU'RE GETTING OLDER BY THE MINUTE.

BY THE SECOND?

KEEP THINKING LIKE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO END UP PREMATURELY GRE-EY.

OH, I THINK I SEE ONE.

OW!

WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TRY AND STOP ME?

HELLO? SOMEBODY DID.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN. YOU HAD TO LET LINDSAY

FILL YOUR HEAD WITH ALL HER BULLSHIT FLATTERY.

"OH, BRIAN, YOU'RE SO GOOD LOOKING.

OH, OH, BRIAN, Y-Y-YOU'RE SO SMART.

OH, OH, YOU'VE GOT SUCH GREAT GENES, BRIAN,

AND I DON'T MEAN YOUR 501s."

AND NOW YOU'RE STUCK WITH A KID.

FOR LIFE.

WELL THERE IS ALWAYS ONE SOLUTION.

I COULD END IT ALL RIGHT NOW.

OH, THAT'D BE DRAMATIC.

JUST LIKE "ER", BIRTH AND DEATH IN THE SAME EPISODE.

NOW GET DOWN!

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO COME GET ME...

I'M SERIOUS. STOP CLOWNING.

OR I'LL JUMP!

COME ON, MIKEY, LET'S FLY.

LIKE IN ALL THOSE COMIC BOOKS.

I'M SUPERMAN.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE WORLD.

WHY AM I ALWAYS LOIS LANE?

CONGRATULATIONS...

DAD.

SORRY.

HONESTLY.

FUCKED HIM.

YOU DID NOT, YOU LOOKED AT HIM.

THAT MAY APPEAR TO BE WHAT HAPPENED,

BUT WE DID IT ALL.

OH YEAH, AND HOW WAS HE?

FABULOUS.

WANT ONE? NO.

MORE FOR ME.

LISTEN, YOU'RE GOING TO GO SAY GOODNIGHT TO LINDSAY,

YOU'RE GOING TO GO HOME, GO TO BED

AND GET UP AND GO TO WORK FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS TO SUPPORT YOUR KID.

YOU SEE THIS LINE, HOW DEEP IT IS?

THAT MEANS YOU'RE VERY CREATIVE.

THAT'S TRUE. I WANT TO BE A CARTOONIST OR A COMPUTER ANIMATOR.

IT'S FAR TOO LESBIANIC OUT HERE FOR A YOUNG BOY.

OUT.

I'LL MEET YOU OUT FRONT.

I'M SORRY, SIR, YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK TOMORROW.

THE MOTHER NEEDS HER REST.

AND SO DOES THE FATHER.

IT'S OKAY, NURSE.

SWEET DREAMS, SONNY BOY.

FIRST NIGHT ON EARTH.

HON, COULD YOU GET ME SOME ICE

AND MAYBE SOMETHING FIZZY?

HOW ABOUT SOME GINGER ALE?

UH, ANYTHING FOR YOU?

UH, IF YOU SEE ANY AMYL NITRATE LAYING AROUND.

ALONE AT LAST.

CAREFUL.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

MA AND PA.

HEY.

DON'T MIND ME,

JUST FEELING A LITTLE... VULNERABLE.

I PROMISE NOT TO TELL.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

YOU AND ME.

PARENTS.

IT'S PRETTY SCARY, BOYS AND GIRLS.

THINK IT'S TOO LATE TO RETURN IT?

WE COULD TRY.

OHH.

I GUESS THIS MEANS WE'RE FINALLY GROWN-UPS.

"DON'T SAY THAT, WENDY,

WE'LL NEVER GROW UP."

DON'T BE SCARED.

HELL, IF OUR PARENTS COULD FUCK UP, SO CAN WE.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY.

ABOUT MONEY, I MEAN.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING...

NO, WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

BUT THANKS.

I WOULD'VE FUCKED YOU, YOU KNOW?

OH!

IF I WASN'T AFRAID YOUR LOVER'D BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

STOP.

I MEAN IT.

SHE COULD TAKE OUT OSCAR DE LA RENTA.

YOU MEAN LA HOYA.

WHATEVER.

WELL, YOU HAD PLENTY OF CHANCES.

AND I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF A FEW, IF I RECALL.

IT WASN'T HALF BAD.

NOW YOU TELL ME?

YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE BEEN STRAIGHT THIS WHOLE TIME?

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

WELL THEN I GUESS IT'S JUST AS WELL.

ICE?

TICK-TICK-TICK.

TICK.

TICK. TICK.

TICK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST REPEATING THE FIRST WORDS

MY SONNY BOY SAID TO ME.

IT WASN'T "DA-DA".

IT WAS TICK-TICK-TICK-TICK.

SMART LITTLE FUCKER.

HE CAN TELL TIME ALREADY.

BRIAN, WHAT DID YOU TAKE?

I'M JUST TEACHING MY KID THE ALPHABET.

I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU.

I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU ALL NIGHT.

SHIT!

SORRY, I DIDN'T WANT TO HIT THAT DOGGIE.

FUCK THE DOGGIE.

OKAY, BOY WONDER.

I'M TAKING YOU HOME. WHERE DO I TURN?

HE'S GOING WITH ME.

OH NO, HE'S NOT.

POP QUIZ. NO TALKING.

HERE'S A QUESTION. MULTIPLE CHOICE.

DO YOU WANT TO COME HOME WITH ME?

A, YES,

B, YES,

OR C, YES.

TICK, TICK, TICK. TIME'S UP. PENCILS DOWN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

NONE OF THE ABOVE.

HE'S GOING HOME.

I'M GOING WITH HIM.

GOOD BOY.

YOU GET AN "A" PLUS.

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT RIMMING IS.

HE CALLS ME, PRACTICALLY BEGS ME TO GO WITH HIM,

KNOWING FULL WELL I'M WITH SOMEONE

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG.

SEVEN MONTHS, TWO WEEKS AND THREE DAYS.

THANK YOU.

AND EVEN THOUGH THE GUY WASN'T ALL HE WAS CRACKED UP TO BE...

WE'LL LET THAT REMARK PASS.

AT LEAST HE WANTEDME.

ME.

GOD, I AM SO HORNY.

POOR BABY.

WELL I HAVE JUST THE THING.

A NEW PORN VIDEO.

IT ALL TAKES PLACE IN A PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.

"HOT, HORNY MEN STARVED FOR ACTION".

I CAN RELATE TO THAT.

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOUR PRIVATES STAND UP AND SALUTE.

"SCHINDLER'S FIST"?

AH-H-H.

HERE, I WILL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A DEEP, MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP.

GOOD NIGHT.

OKAY, PRIVATE, DROP TROU AND BEND OVER.

FOR MY PHYSICAL, SIR?

NO, TARGET PRACTICE.

YES, SIR.

589
00:31:18,703 --> 00:31:20,705
PUT YOUR LEGS UP

ON MY SHOULDERS.

THAT'S IT.

OH, WAIT.

IN SCHOOL WE HAD THIS LECTURE...

ABOUT SAFE SEX.

AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A DEMONSTRATION.

PUT IT ON ME.

GO ON.

SLIP IT ON MY DICK.

AH! IT'S COLD.

IT'LL HEAT UP.

JUST...

GO SLOW, OKAY?

AH! AH!

IT HURTS.

DOES IT ALWAYS HURT?

A LITTLE BIT.

BUT THAT'S A PART OF IT.

NOW RELAX.

I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS.

SO THAT NO MATTER WHO YOU'RE EVER WITH...

I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Y-YOU SAID I COULD STAY.

RIGHT.

YOUR PARENTS.

THEY THINK YOU'RE AT A FRIEND'S.

JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

DON'T TELL ME.

I WAS DOING HANDSTANDS.

AND JUGGLING.

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD.

SHIT.

WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

IT WAS THAT FUCKING PIG ANITA.

SHE TOLD ME THAT WAS "E". THAT WASN'T "E",

THAT WAS SOME SHIT THEY COOKED UP IN A BATHTUB IN TIJUANA.

THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE DRUGS

THAT AREN'T PRESCRIBED BY A PHYSICIAN,

OR RECOMMENDED BY A RELIABLE PHARMACIST.

WHAT ARE YOU?

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT?

GET DRESSED, I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME.

YOU CAN'T.

MICHAEL HAS THE CAR. WHY HAS HE GOT IT?

YOU WERE TOO HIGH... I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I WAS THERE.

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING...

PERFECTLY.

WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?

JUSTIN.

YEAH, RIGHT.

CAN I TAKE A SHOWER?

YEAH, BUT HURRY UP.

IT'S THROUGH THERE...

I THINK.

Where the hell are you? Your cell's turned off.

If you're there, pick up.

Brian? Listen, Lindsay's water broke.

She's having contractions. We're at the hospital.

FUCK! I HAVE A BABY.

OW! OW!

TWO BABIES.

HOLY SHIT!

YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE!

FAGGOT!

QUEER!

FAGGOT!

WHO'RE YOU CALLING A FAGGOT?

WE'VE SEEN YOU. QUEER!

MORNING.

OH, MY LORD.

MOTHERFUCKERS!

I'M CALLING THE COPS.

BRIAN IS GOING TO HAVE A FIT,

YOU KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIS JEEP.

WELL IF HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT IT

THEN HE SHOULDN'T HAVE LENT IT TO ME.

HE KNOWS WHAT A TERRIBLE NEIGHBOURHOOD THIS IS.

WELL, I, UH, I WAS GOING TO ASK FOR A LIFT TO WORK.

BUT ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK I'LL WALK.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

SHIT!

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I HAD A KID?

YOU SAID YOU REMEMBERED EVERYTHING.

IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.

WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN?

GUS.

I'M THE ONE WHO DECIDED.

DID YOU ACTUALLY FUCK HER?

WHO? LINDSAY.

YOU'RE AWFULLY RUDE.

WELL, DID YOU?

I JERKED OFF IN A CUP,

AND THEY SQUIRTED IT UP HER.

GROSS.

SHE MUST HAVE REALLY WANTED A KID.

MOST WOMEN DO.

EVEN LESBIANS?

LESBIANS ARE WOMEN...

SORT OF.

MY MOM SAYS SOMETIMES SHE WISHED SHE NEVER HAD ME.

THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE'S STUCK WITH THIS ANNOYING BRAT FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

SO, YOU GONNA RAISE HIM?

ME?

NO WAY.

THE MUNCHERS ARE.

BUT I'LL BE AROUND

TO PROVIDE THE MASCULINE INFLUENCE

SO IMPORTANT IN A YOUNG BOY'S LIFE.

I'LL BET MELANIE COULD DO IT BETTER THAN YOU.

DON'T GET SMART, OR I'LL HAVE TO SPANK YOU.

REALLY?

YOU UP FOR ONE MORE?

BRIAN!

CHRIST. DIDN'T YOU GET ENOUGH LAST NIGHT?

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ENOUGH.

BESIDES...

I COULDN'T SEND HIM OFF WITHOUT A NOURISHING HIGH-PROTEIN BREAKFAST.

IT'S GRRR-REAT!

WILL YOU COME ON? I'M NOT GONNA BE LATE BECAUSE OF YOU.

I SAID HURRY UP!

YEAH. SHE SAID, "DON'T BE LATE."

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, MIKEY. JUST BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE TWO PSYCHOPATHS DOWN THE STREET.

WHAT, A COUPLE OF 12-YEAR-OLDS?

THEY START EARLY THESE DAYS.

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? NOTHING.

YOU.

YOU SOUND LIKE MY PARENTS FIGHTING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY. IT'S A COMPANY CAR.

WELL, COME ON. WE HAVE TO TAKE THE CHILD TO SCHOOL.

IN THIS?

YOU CARE?

FUCK NO.

HERE WE ARE, SONNY BOY.

BE SURE TO COME HOME RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.

NO LINGERING ON THE PLAYGROUND

OR IN THE LOCKER ROOM WITH THE GYM TEACHER.

OH, YOU DID NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THAT.

IT'S THE MOST FAMOUS SHOWER SCENE SINCE "PSYCHO."

HEY, JUSTIN! WANNA SUCK ME OFF?

NO, BUT I'LL KICK YOUR TIGHT LITTLE VIRGIN ASS SO HARD,

YOU WON'T SIT DOWN FOR A WEEK.

CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE?

WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?

YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN LATER-- TONIGHT.

WHO KNOWS WHERE I'LL BE LATER TONIGHT.

WE BETTER GO.

PLEASE?

I'LL SEE YOU IN YOUR DREAMS.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOUR MOM CALLED.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HER.

I SAID YOU WERE STILL ASLEEP.

I JUST SAW THE FACE OF GOD.

HUH?

HIS NAME IS BRIAN KINNEY.

THANK GOD HE'S FINALLY GONE.

HE ALMOST WORE ME OUT.

SOMEBODY WORE YOU OUT?

I SAID "ALMOST."

I'LL DROP YOU BY THE STORE.

THE HELL YOU WILL.

YOU BETTER GET THIS THING REPAINTED BEFORE YOU GO INTO THE OFFICE.

I'M NOT HAVING IT REPAINTED.

WHAT?

I LIKE IT THIS WAY. ARE YOU CRAZY?

NO. THEY ARE.

WELL, I SAY FUCK 'EM.

THEY CAN WRITE IT IN NEON ACROSS THE SKY.

FAGGOT!

BRIAN KINNEY, A FATHER?

It's true. I was there.

I saw it happen with my own eyes.

TALK ABOUT CONCEIVING THE INCONCEIVABLE.

OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

Would you give The guy a break?

Couldn't be any worse Than my Daddy was.

Or mine, not that I can remember him.

SO WHAT'S NEXT? PTA PARENT?

LITTLE LEAGUE COACH? SCOUTMASTER?

THEY DON'T ALLOW QUEERS IN THE SCOUTS.

THEY'RE AFRAID WE'LL INDUCT NEW RECRUITS.

I ONLY GO OUT WITH MEN WHO'VE ALREADY ENLISTED.

SO, UH, WHO'S HE LOOK LIKE?

WELL, HE'S GOT BRIAN'S EYES AND MOUTH AND...

LINDSAY'S NOSE.

WELL, IF HE'S GOT MELANIE'S DICK, WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE PICTURES I TOOK.

HE'S SO ADORABLE.

IN ONE OF THEM HE'S ACTUALLY PLAYING WITH HIMSELF.

WHO, BRIAN? NO, THE BABY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE, HE'S ONLY BEEN IN THE WORLD ABOUT AN HOUR

AND ALREADY HE'S PULLING HIS PUD?

EXCUSE ME. YEAH.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE MEN'S JOCKEY SHORTS ARE?

AISLE FOUR.

THANKS. SURE.

Well, that proves The theory.

WE'VE ALL GOT DICK ON THE BRAIN FROM WOMB TO TOMB.

Speak for yourself.

I AM.

YEAH, GO FOR IT.

ARE YOU WATCHING THAT FILTHY WEB SITE AGAIN?

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY. HE MUST BE AT LEAST 10 INCHES.

TED? TED.

UH, CAN I PUT YOU ON HOLD ONE MOMENT PLEASE?

YES, MR. WERTSHAFTER?

HAVE YOU FINISHED GOING OVER THE GROPNIK RETURNS?

OH, YES, SIR.

I JUST PRINTED THEM OUT.

THERE YOU ARE. FEDERAL AND STATE.

THANKS. YOU'RE WELCOME...

MR. WERTSHAFTER.

SORRY. THE BOSS.

SHIT! YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL.

OH PLEASE, THAT GUY'S SO BLIND, HE'S YET TO FIGURE OUT

HIS WIFE'S BEEN BOINKING HIS BUSINESS PARTNER

FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.

HOW HE'S GOING TO FIND OUT ABOUT ME?

I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

LATER. LATER.

REMEMBER THAT STORY WE ALL READ IN HIGH SCHOOL,

YOU KNOW THE ONE ABOUT THE PRISONERS CHAINED IN THE CAVE?

PLATO OR WHOEVER.

ALL THEY COULD SEE WERE SHADOWS ON A WALL,

SO AFTER A WHILE, THEY STARTED THINKING THAT WAS REALITY.

WELL, IN A WAY, THAT'S WHAT TED'S LIKE.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE HE'S HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE HE DIDN'T DOWNLOAD,

HE'S FORGOTTEN THAT ALL THOSE PERFECT BODIES

AND PERFECT FACES AREN'T REAL.

THAT NO ONE'S REALLY THERE. THAT THEY'RE ONLY...

SHADOWS.

THEN AGAIN, WHOEVER GOT ANAL WARTS IN A CHATROOM?

MICHAEL.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OUR BEER AND THEIR BEER

IS THAT OUR BEER SAYS, "SEX"...

NOT CLYDESDALES.

IF YOU WANT TO BE COOL,

IF YOU WANT TO BE POPULAR,

IF YOU WANT TO GET... LAID...

THIS IS WHAT YOU DRINK.

WHAT ABOUT THE MODEL?

ARE YOU SURE HE ISN'T TOO, UM...

GAY?

LADIES?

I WOULDN'T CARE IF HE WAS.

I'D GO TO BED WITH HIM ANYWAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

MOVE. MOVE. YOU GUYS SHOW SOME HUSTLE OUT THERE.

LET'S GO.

GUESS WHAT I WAS DOING LAST NIGHT.

SLEEPING, SAME AS ME?

HAVING SEX, ALL NIGHT,

WITH THAT GUY I MET, BRIAN KINNEY.

WE DID IT TILL 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

WELL? AREN'T YOU SHOCKED?

NOT REALLY.

OH.

WELL, I KINDA FIGURED THAT YOU'RE...

YOU KNOW.

EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER TOLD ME.

I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

WANT SOME OF MY VEGGIE WRAP?

SO WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

WELL, I STARTED OUT AS A TIGHT END,

BUT WOUND UP A WIDE RECEIVER.
BALL. BALL.

COME ON, WHERE'S YOUR ARM?

THANKS.

THANK YOU. GOOD TO MEET YOU.

THANK YOU. NEXT TIME.

THANKS.

UH,

UH-HUH.

WITH TWO CHILDREN.

AH, A FAMILY MAN.

HUH! EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU, UH, TELL ME WHERE THE MEN'S ROOM IS?

YEAH, IT'S JUST DOWN THE HALL AND TO THE LEFT.

THANKS.

THAT'S A LONG TRIP. HUH!

HE MIGHT GET LOST.

I'M SURE YOU'LL SHOW HIM THE WAY.

THERE I WAS ON MY BACK.

AND THERE HE WAS ON TOP OF ME, SLIPPING IT IN.

THAT MUST HAVE HURT. DIDN'T IT HURT?

YEAH, AT FIRST IT FELT LIKE SOMEONE

WAS SHOVING A BROOM UP THERE.

BUT, I TOLD HIM TO GO SLOWER, AND HE DID.

THEN I STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT WHEN I LOOKED AT HIS FACE.

HIS EYES WERE CLOSED.

HIS MOUTH WAS OPEN

IN A SORT OF SMILE,

LIKE HE WAS IN ANOTHER PLACE.

A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

THAT PLACE WAS ME.

AND HIS BODY. GOD!

LIKE HIS BODY WAS SO AMAZING.

I COULD SEE EVERY MUSCLE.

HE SAID HE WANTED TO STAY INSIDE ME FOREVER,

AND I WANTED HIM TO.

I STILL FEEL HIM,

LIKE, HE'S STILL THERE.

CHRIST, DAPHNE, EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT HAVING SEX.

BUT I REALLY DID IT.

I HAD TO PISS DURING THAT WHOLE PITCH.

DIDN'T THINK I COULD HOLD IT.

YOUR PRESENTATION WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

THINK SO?

YEAH, IT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR.

TO PLEASE THE CLIENT.

SO, LIKE, WHAT IS HE NOW?

YOUR BOYFRIEND?

WE JUST MET.

WELL... DO YOU LOVE HIM?

I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH, I LOVE HIM.

DOES HE LOVE YOU?

HE SAID HE DID. WHEN?

WELL, WHEN HE WAS ABOUT TO SHOOT.

HE WAS MOVING REALLY FAST, AND HE LET OUT THIS GROAN

LIKE NOTHING I'D EVER HEARD BEFORE.

AND THAT'S WHEN HE SAID IT,

RIGHT WHEN HE CAME.

HE SAID, "I LOVE YOU."

THEN HE LEANED IN AND KISSED ME.

WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER BE GETTING BACK.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.

IT CAN BE EVEN MORE OF ONE.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU KNOW, I'M NEVER WRONG.

HUH? OH NOTHING, BUDDY.

I-I DON'T KISS.

YEAH, RIGHT.

MR. NOVOTNY?

MIKE. MIKE.

I WAS WONDERING IF...

WELL, YOU KNOW THOSE BOXES YOU WANTED ME TO MOVE. MM-HMM.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO SEEM LIKE I'M SHIRKING OR ANYTHING,

BUT THEY'RE KIND OF HEAVY.

DO YOU THINK ONE OF THE GUYS COULD MAYBE GIVE ME A HAND?

YEAH, NO PROBLEM. I CAN GET SOMEBODY TO HELP YOU.

OH, THAT'D BE GREAT. OKAY.

I'LL BE OVER ON AISLE 14.

OKAY. OKAY.

YES, YOUR MAJESTY.

SOMEBODY SHOULD TELL HER PRINCESS DI IS DEAD,

AND THEY'RE NOT LOOKING FOR A REPLACEMENT.

THE BOXES ARE HEAVY.

AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ASKING FOR HELP.

I... I THINK SHE'S KIND OF SWEET ACTUALLY.

YOU THINK SHE'S SWEET?

WELL, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HER, BUT, YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT CUTE?

YEAH, SHE'S CUTE.

WELL, SHE THINKS YOU'RE CUTE TOO.

SHE... DOES?

SHE LIKES YOU A LOT.

BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU LIKED HER,

SO I SAID I'D FIND OUT.

SO YOU DON'T REALLY THINK SHE'S STUCK-UP.

OH, SHE'S ADOLL.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER HEARD YOU SAY YOU LIKED A GIRL BEFORE.

WELL, I... IN FACT...

I'VE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT GIRLS.

YOU... LIKE GIRLS, DON'T YOU?

SURE. UH... SO? THEN YOU'LL COME WITH US

AFTER WORK TONIGHT. WE'RE TAKING HER OUT FOR A DRINK.

I DON'T THINK I CAN. I... AH!

NO EXCUSES. SHOELESS JOE'S, 7:30.

AND... DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

IT WAS A TRAP.

HEY, SEE THAT NUMBER IN THE RED SHORTS?

I COULD WORK OUT FOR 100 YEARS

AND NEVER LOOK LIKE THAT.

PRETENDING SHE DIDN'T LIKE HER,

JUST TO SEE WHAT I'D SAY.

SHAWN PETERS. I WENT HOME WITH HIM THE OTHER NIGHT, THINKING HE WAS THIS BRUTAL TOP.

AND?

AND I FELL FOR IT!

TURNS OUT HE'S A BIG NELLY BOTTOM.

I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.

AW, IT'S SO DISCOURAGING.

ARE THERE NO REAL MEN LEFT?

AND NOW THEY'RE EXPECTING ME TO MEET THEM.

IN STEROID CITY?

NO, IN THIS STRAIGHT BAR.

IS THERE ANYONE HERE LISTENING?

THERE'S THIS NEW GIRL AT WORK WHO'S INTERESTED IN YOU.

FAT MARLEY TRICKED YOU INTO MEETING HER AND SOME OF THE OTHERS

FOR A DRINK AFTER WORK, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO GO

OR THEY MIGHT SUSPECT.

CHECK OUT MR. PEC-DECK.

SO WHAT...

IF THEY DO?

THEY COULD FIRE HIM.

OR I COULD END UP AN ASSISTANT MANAGER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

AND THE SOLUTION IS TO PRETEND YOU LIKE PUSSY?

AH, LOOK, HE'S NOT LIKE YOU, OKAY?

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

MEANING HE'S NOT AN OBVIOUSLY GAY MAN.

ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF BEING OBVIOUS?

IF THE FUCK-ME PUMP FITS...

WELL, I COULD BE A... A R-REAL MAN, IF I WANTED TO.

YOU KNOW, JUST LOWER MY VOICE,

STOP... GESTURING WITH MY HANDS,

MAKE SURE MY FACE IS EXPRESSIONLESS.

NEVER, NEVER USE WORDS LIKE...

LIKE FABULOUS OR DIVINE,

TALK ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW, NAILING BITCHES AND RBIs.

BUT I'D RATHER MY FLAME BURN BRIGHT,

THAN BE SOME PUNY, LITTLE PILOT LIGHT.

AND A FABULOUS FLAME IT IS.

THANK YOU. YEAH.

BUT MICHAEL IS OUT THERE IN THE STRAIGHT WORLD.

AND BELIEVE ME, IT ISN'T EASY.

YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

I BETTER GO CHANGE.

FOR YOUR BIG DATE?

OOH, HERE'S A SPORTS MAG.

BETTER BONE UP.

JUST IN CASE THE CONVERSATION VEERS AWAY FROM LIZA'S WEIGHT PROBLEM.

JUSTIN, DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID YOU'RE NOT GOING.

I'M GOING.

YOU WERE JUST THERE LAST NIGHT. SO WHAT?

SO, I WAS PLANNING TO TAKE YOU AND YOUR SISTER

OUT FOR PIZZA.

YOU...

YOU KNOW, I EXPECT YOU TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE TO SPEND

ALL YOUR TIME WITH DAPHNE.

OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES YOUR FATHER AND I BOUGHT FOR YOU,

YOU HAVE TO PICK SOMETHING THAT NO LONGER FITS.

THAT IS TOO TIGHT.

THAT'S WHY.

JUSTIN?

DON'T I GET A KISS GOODBYE?

I EXPECT YOU TO CALL.

WE NEED A SECRET CODE WORD LIKE "SHAZAM",

SO THAT IF I GET IN A TIGHT SPOT,

YOU CAN COME IN AND RESCUE ME.

A TIGHT SPOT. HOW ABOUT "BUTTPLUG"?

"BUTTPLUG" MIGHT BE A LITTLE HARD TO WORK INTO A CONVERSATION.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, PRETENDING YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.

I COULDN'T HELP IT.

OH, YOU COULD HAVE TOLD HER THE TRUTH,

INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE A SCARED, LITTLE FAGGOT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID, "I TAKE IT UP THE ASS, SWEETHEART.

DEAL WITH IT." RIGHT. RIGHT.

BY THE WAY, I NOTICED YOU GOT THE JEEP REPAINTED.

OH MY GOD, THIS PLACE IS LIKE, BREEDER CENTRAL.

BUTTPLUG, BUTTPLUG, BUTTPLUG, BUTT...

SEE YOU, MIKEY.

I WANT TO WATCH THE END OF THE GAME.

MICHAEL. MICHAEL!

WHERE YOU BEEN? WE THOUGHT YOU GOT LOST.

SOME, UH, LASTMINUTE BUSINESS.

SLIDE IT ON IN.

HARV, MOVE YOUR HAIRY ASS.

THANKS.

WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?

UH... SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE.

GOOD CHOICE.

UH, BRING OVER ANOTHER PITCHER.

HI.

HI. GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

I TOLD YOU HE'D BE HERE,

DIDN'T I? NOT TO WORRY?

I WASN'T WORRIED.

NOW JUST MAKE SURE HE'S NOT SEEING ANYONE,

BEFORE YOU GET ALL LOVEY-DOVEY.

MARLEY, WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LEAVE 'EM ALONE?

WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT SEEING ANYONE, ARE YOU?

ME?

NO. WELL THAT'S GOOD.

I MEAN... I UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE

IF THEY'RE INVOLVED ALREADY.

SO ARE YOU? SEEING ANYONE?

NO. WE JUST BROKE UP. OH. SORRY.

OH, DON'T BE. HE WAS A REAL DOOFUS.

ONLY I DIDN'T KNOW IT AT THE TIME.

THERE'S SO MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW AT THE TIME.

ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

LIKE, CAN YOU BELIEVE, HE...

HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FIX A SINK?

REALLY!

HE CALLED ME AT WORK SAYING, "WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

I SAID, "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO.

BUY SOME CEMENT. GET A CORK.

USED CHEWING GUM. BUT PLUG IT UP!"

BUT PLUG IT...

BUTTPLUG...

A MILLION DOLLARS?

THAT'S THE GENERAL IDEA.

A MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS?

BRIAN, PLEASE. YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY.

WELL, THE ANSWER'S NO. DEFINITELY NOT.

HUH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM.

I MEAN, LINDSAY TOLD ME YOU OFFERED TO HELP SUPPORT HIM.

IT WAS VERY GENEROUS.

WELL THAT'S DIFFERENT THAN A LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.

IT'S SIMPLY IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU.

LIKE I'M DECAPITATED AT A RAILROAD CROSSING?

OR BURNED BEYOND RECOGNITION IN SOME GAS EXPLOSION?

YOU KNOW, I CAN JUST IMAGINE THE GRIZZLY DEATHS

YOU'VE CONJURED UP FOR ME.

LIKE IN CASE YOU GET SICK.

AH. EVEN BETTER.

CONSIDERING YOUR LIFE.

I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WERE TESTED?

SIX MONTHS AGO. I WAS NEGATIVE.

THAT'S 26 WEEKS

AND 182 ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED PEOPLE WHO COULD MULTIPLY IN THEIR HEADS.

AND I'M ALWAYS CAREFUL.

LOOK, THIS ISN'T FOR US. IT'S FOR OUR SON.

WE NEED TO MAKE SURE HE'LL BE PROVIDED FOR.

AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DIE.

HOPEFULLY NOT BEFORE YOU SIGN THESE PAPERS.

WE WON'T BE LAUGHING COME SUPERBOWL TIME,

WHEN WE'RE UP AGAINST THE TITANS.

WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

DON'T SAY THAT.

YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE, RIGHT, MIKE?

LIKE CHER!

YOUWATCHFOOTBALL?

CONSTANTLY.

SO, UH...

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO I THINK?

I THINK...

DUE TO FREE AGENCY, WE'VE LOST SOME OF OUR BEST PLAYERS.

STILL, OUR DEFENCE IS STRONG, BUT WE NEED A NEW SCHEME

FROM OUR DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR TO MOVE THE BALL.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I SAY.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.

HELLO, SPORTS FANS.

I'M COMING TO GET YOU.

IT'S OKAY. I'M HAVING A REALLY GOOD TIME.

SHE'S REALLY, REALLY NICE.

SHE'S REALLY NICE?

DO YOU THINK SHE AND HER FRIENDS WOULD BE REALLY NICE

IF THEY KNEW THE LITTLE CHARADE YOU WERE PLAYING?

THEY'D PROBABLY TIE YOU TO A FENCE AND BASH YOUR BRAINS IN.

THEY'RE NOT LIKE THAT.

NOT LIKE THAT, HUH?

Listen to me, Mikey.

Are you listening? YEAH, I'M LISTENING.

THERE'S ONLY TWO KINDS OF STRAIGHT PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD;

THE ONES THAT HATE YOU TO YOUR FACE,

AND THE ONES THAT HATE YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.

Now get the fuck out of there...

BECAUSE I NEED YOU.

OH YEAH!

HI.

OH SHIT, JUST WHAT I NEED.

WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

JUSTIN. HIS NAME'S JUSTIN.

IF I CAN REMEMBER IT AND I DIDN'T EVEN FUCK HIM,

WHY CAN'T YOU?

BECAUSE I DID.

SO, DAWSON, HOW ARE THINGS DOWN AT THE CREEK?

THANK YOU, PITTSBURGH.

I LOVE YOU.

YOU KNOW, FOR A SKINNY WHITE BOY,

I MAKE ONE FUCKING FABULOUS BLACK WOMAN!

HOW ABOUT ANOTHER ROUND ON ME?

I GOT A BETTER IDEA. LET'S MOVE ON.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HERE?

I'VE HAD EVERYONE HERE.

YEAH, MY PROBLEM PRECISELY.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD ME.

OH YEAH?

WHAT? Y-YOU NEVER TOLD US.

THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.

WE WERE UP IN HIS ROOM.

WE WERE 14, 15 TOPS.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING, WHATEVER,

ONLY WE'RE NOT. WE'RE LOOKING

AT THIS TRASHY PHOTO MAG HIS MOM SWIPED FROM THE BEAUTY PARLOUR.

ANYWAY...

THERE'S THIS SHOT OF PATRICK SWAYZE FROM "DIRTY DANCING"...

WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON.

AH-H-H. AH-HA-HA!

SO I'VE GOT THIS HARD-ON JUST FROM LOOKING AT IT,

AND I GLANCE OVER AT MIKEY, AND GUESS WHAT?

HE'S GOT ONE TOO.

OKAY, YOU CAN STOP NOW.

TWIN STIFFIES.

I REACH OVER,

START RUBBING IT.

HE'S PRACTICALLY SWOONING.

I POP IT OUT, START STROKING IT,

NICE AND SLOW.

AND WE'RE BOTH THIS CLOSE.

THEN...

HIS MOM WALKS IN WITHOUT KNOCKING.

THEY ALWAYS DO.

DID SHE SEE YOU?

I DON'T SEE HOW SHE COULD HAVE MISSED IT.

ONLY WE DIDN'T COME, SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.

OH, "DIRTY DANCING".

THAT'S A REALLY OLD MOVIE.

WHAT? I SAID THAT'S A REALLY OLD MOVIE.

IT'S NOT THAT OLD.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

UH-OH.

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

33?

FUCK YOU!

HE'S 29. AND FUCK YOU TOO.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM FOR? FAIR'S FAIR.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. IN A FEW MONTHS,

YOU'LL BE 30.

MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

HMM, WELL...

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.

YOU ALREADY ARE.

OH, HO, HO, HO.

OH NO YOU DON'T.

COME BACK HERE. YOU'RE NOT STICKING US WITH THAT KID.

HE'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. NOW GET BACK IN THERE.

YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING A LITTLE SICK

OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY.

IF LINDSAY AND MELANIE WANT TO GO OFF AND HAVE A KID,

THAT'S THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.

IF WHAT'S-HIS-NAME-JUSTIN---

WANTS TO GO OUT AND PICK UP GUYS WHILE HE'S STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL,

THAT'S HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

MY RESPONSIBILITY IS TO MYSELF.

I DON'T OWE ANYBODY A GODDAMN THING.

CALM DOWN!

I GOTTA GO.

ANYONE UP FOR BABYLON?

I WAS THINKING BOYTOY.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN SNUBBED BY A TWINKIE IN WEEKS.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

WELL, WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HIM HERE.

IT'S NOT OUR PROBLEM.

HE'S MINE?

NO, BRIAN'S YOUR PROBLEM.

LET HIM CLEAN UP HIS OWN MESS FOR A CHANGE.

DON'T WASTE YOUR FRIDAY NIGHT BABYSITTING.

I COME ALL THE WAY HERE JUST TO SEE HIM.

HE DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

YEAH WELL, THE THING YOU GOT TO KNOW ABOUT BRIAN IS...

HE'S NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

BRIAN DOESN'T DO BOYFRIENDS.

YEAH WELL, YOU WEREN'T THERE WHEN WE WERE DOING IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE THINGS WE DID...

HOW HE KISSED ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I KNOW THIS.

BRIAN IS A SELFISH PRICK

WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT HIMSELF.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM.

HI'YA, BOYS. GETTIN' ANY TONIGHT?

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND HERE BEFORE.

HE'S NEW. AND CUTE.

EVERY GUY IN THE PLACE HAS HIS EYE ON YOU TONIGHT, SWEETHEART.

CAN WE ORDER?

SHOOT. BET IT'LL BE THE FIRST TIME TONIGHT, AM I RIGHT?

1332
01:09:18,886 --> 01:09:21,388
HA-HA. I'LL HAVE THE CHICKENFRIED STEAK. NO REMARKS.

AND, UH,

HE'LL HAVE A BACON CHEESEBURGER.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR STRENGTH UP, SUNSHINE.

YOU CAN'T CRUISE ALL NIGHT ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

WHAT A FREAK!

YEAH, SHE TAKES SOME GETTING USED TO,

BUT ONCE YOU DO, CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE HER.

ONE CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK WITH NO REMARKS,

COMING UP IN A FLASH.

THANKS, MOM.

YOU'RE WELCOME, BABY.

YOU'RE, LIKE, SO LUCKY.

I AM? YOUR MOM'S COOL ABOUT YOU BEING GAY.

IF MINE FOUND OUT, SHE'D KILL ME.

AT LEAST IT GIVES HER A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

I MEAN, WITHOUT ME SHE'D BE PLAYING BINGO

INSTEAD OF ORGANIZING PRIDE MARCHES AND...

HANDING OUT CONDOMS.

DO YOU NEED A RIDE?

UH, I BORROWED A FRIEND'S CAR.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE A LITTLE BEEMER OF YOUR OWN?

I'M WORKING ON IT.

JUST REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT BRIAN.

IF HE'S SUCH A SELFISH PRICK,

HOW COME YOU'RE ALWAYS FOLLOWING HIM AROUND?

I'M NOT ALWAYS FOLLOWING HIM AROUND.

WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.

WE ACCEPT EACH OTHER FOR WHO WE ARE,

NO JUDGEMENTS, NO OBLIGATIONS,

NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

YOU'RE JUST WAITING FOR HIM TO FINISH JERKING YOU OFF.

WHAT? YOU NEVER GOT OFF.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE STILL HANGING AROUND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

GO ON, CHICKEN. BACK TO YOUR COOP.

AND DON'T GO LOOKING FOR HIM. IT'LL JUST MAKE THINGS WORSE.

READY, SWEETIE?

DID HE TAKE OFF?

JUST AS WELL.

HE WAS A LITTLE TOO YOUNG FOR YOU.

HMM.

SHOULD I INVITE MY COUSIN RITA?

WHICH ONE'S SHE? YOU KNOW.

THE ONE WITH THE, UH, OVERBITE

WHO NEVER APPROVED OF US?

OH, HER. MIGHT AS WELL.

SHE PROBABLY WON'T COME ANYWAY.

OH... THAT'S MY GOOD BOY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

I USED TO SEE THESE WOMEN FEEDING THEIR KIDS, AND I'D THINK,

"UGH, WHAT A TURN-OFF."

BUT WATCHING YOU...

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW CONNECTED YOU FEEL.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE.

NEXT TIME, WE'LL FEED HIM TOGETHER.

YOU CAN GIVE HIM MY BREAST.

IT'S SO FULL.

I GUESS THAT'S ALL WE CAN DO FOR NOW.

OH, 34 GUESTS. THAT'S A LOT.

NOT EVERYONE WILL SHOW.

WELL, LET'S HOPE ONE IN PARTICULAR DOESN'T.

I HOPE WE WEREN'T TOO HARD ON HIM.

WHO? BRIAN?

ALL THAT TALK ABOUT THE INSURANCE.

IT ALMOST SOUNDED LIKE WE WERE HOPING SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN TO HIM.

WE'RE JUST BEING PRACTICAL.

I MEAN, HE'S THE FATHER, ISN'T HE?

IT ONLY MAKES SENSE THAT HIS SON SHOULD BE HIS BENEFICIARY.

I'M JUST SAYING MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE WAITED

UNTIL HE WAS OVER THE INITIAL SHOCK.

HUH!

WHAT SHOCK? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE BIRTH.

ALL HE DID WAS SHOW UP WITH HIS LATEST TRICK.

AT LEAST HE SHOWED UP.

CHRIST, IT NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME.

WHAT? THE WAY YOU PUT UP WITH HIS SHIT.

SHHH.

I DON'T PUT UP WITH IT. LIKE HELL.

I UNDERSTAND IT... HIM.

WHAT? THAT HE'S A BIGGER INFANT THAN HIS SON?

THAT HE DOES EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS.

NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES.

I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED HIM FOR THAT.

WELL, THEN YOU CAN PUT UP WITH IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO.

COME ON, LET'S GO BACK TO SLEEP...

FOR AN HOUR.

YES.

SO, YOU GOING OUT CRUISING

AFTER YOU DROP ME OFF?

NO. I'VE BEEN INVITED TO AN ALL-NIGHT ORGY.

WHOO! SOUNDS HOT. HMM.

IF YOU MUST KNOW, I AM GOING BACK TO MY GAY APARTMENT,

TAKING OFF MY GAY CLOTHES,

AND GETTING INTO MY GAY BED.

YOU'RE IN A MOOD.

IT'S GODDAMN BRIAN.

WHAT DID HE DO THIS TIME?

NEVER MIND.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T LET HIM GET TO YOU.

BUT HE ALWAYS DOES.

THAT'S WHY I KEEP HOPING THAT YOU'LL MEET SOMEBODY.

WHY ARE ALL THE LIGHTS ON?

SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH VIC.

VIC!

BABY?

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.

HEY, MIKEY. UNCLE VIC.

ARE YOU IN PAIN?

YEAH. WHERE? TELL ME.

MY WALLET.

HOLY SHIT!

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S THE MASTERCARD BILL FROM OUR...

OUR TRIP TO ITALY.

FIRST-CLASS AIRLINE TICKETS,

THE EXCELSIOR IN ROME,

THE DIAMOND AND CORAL EARRINGS I BOUGHT YOU IN CAPRI.

THEY'RE ALL HERE.

THE PROBLEM IS, SO AM I.

DON'T SAY THAT.

IT'S A MIRACLE YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

IT'S A MIRACLE HOW I'M GONNA PAY FOR ALL OF THIS.

HUSTLE?

I THINK WE JAM LIKE JELL

PATRICK SWAYZE IS SO HOT!

I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THAT.

PATRICK SWAYZE IS SO HOT.

I'VE SEEN "DIRTY DANCING", LIKE, FIVE TIMES.

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO FUCK HIM.

DON'T SAY THAT, BRIAN.

YOU'RE SO PATHETIC.

FIRST I'D UNZIP HIS FLY.

THEN I'D PULL OUT HIS KINGSIZED BONER.

PLAY WITH IT, REAL SLOW.

OH, YEAH?

HEY, MIKEY...

YOU HAVE A WOODIE.

I DO NOT.

YOU DO TOO.

WE'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

HI, BABE.

MA! CAN'T YOU KNOCK?

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU WE'RE HAVING A YARD SALE,

SO IF YOU WANT TO THROW ANYTHING OUT...

OH, DON'T TELL ME YOU STILL HAVE A CRUSH ONHIM.

I'D FUCK YOU.

TOP FLOOR. COME ON UP.

CHRIST! I'M SORRY.

I-I DON'T WANT TO... YOU CAN'T JUST DROP BY UNANNOUNCED.

I JUST WANT TO TALK.

THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

PLEASE? I WON'T STAY LONG. I...

I'LL JUST... CAN I? NO.

OH, SHIT.

THE DOOR WAS ABOUT TO SHUT SO I...

SLIPPED IN.

PENTHOUSE. NOT BAD.

WHO'S THIS? NO ONE.

I HAVE TO SEE YOU.

I'M BUSY.

I DON'T MIND A THREESOME,

ALTHOUGH HE'S KIND OF YOUNG.

HE'S ALSO KIND OF LEAVING.

WHO'S HE? FORGIVE ME FOR NOT INTRODUCING YOU.

JUSTIN, THIS IS MR. GOODFUK.

MR. GOODFUK, MAY I PRESENT JUSTIN.

NAME IS GEORGE.

SORRY. GEORGE GOODFUK.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

WELL, I WAS HOPING TO GET TO.

NOW WHY DON'T YOU JUST SCAMPER ON HOME?

HE'S MY STALKER.

THAT WASN'T VERY KIND,

SENDING HIM OFF, A KID THAT AGE,

BY HIMSELF AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.

WHO ARE YOU? FATHER GOODFUK?

OH, ALL RIGHT.

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

AND DON'T... STEAL ANYTHING.

HEY. HEY!

I JUST LEFT A COMPLETE STRANGER ALONE IN MY APARTMENT

TO COME AND TALK TO YOU,

SO DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME.

WE NEED TO GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.

YOU DON'T DO BOYFRIENDS.

OH. MIKEY'S BEEN TALKING TO YOU.

YOU'LL FUCK ANYONE.

HE'S UGLY. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

AND I... I REALLY THOUG... JUSTIN.

I'VE HAD YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT...

IT WAS FOR FUN.

YOU WANTED ME AND I WANTED YOU.

THAT'S ALL IT WAS.

A FUCK?

WELL WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS?

LOOK, I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE.

I BELIEVE IN FUCKING.

IT'S HONEST. IT'S EFFICIENT.

YOU GET IN AND OUT WITH A MAXIMUM OF PLEASURE

AND A MINIMUM OF BULLSHIT.

LOVE IS SOME- THING THAT STRAIGHT PEOPLE

TELL THEMSELVES THEY'RE IN SO THEY CAN GET LAID,

AND THEN THEY END UP HURTING EACH OTHER,

BECAUSE IT WAS ALL BASED ON LIES TO BEGIN WITH.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT,

THEN GO AND FIND YOURSELF A PRETTY, LITTLE GIRL...

AND GET MARRIED.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.

I WANT YOU.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ME. I'M TOO O...

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR ME.

YOU'RE 17. I'M 28.

29.

ALL RIGHT. 29.

ALL THE MORE REASON.

NOW GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.