Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 3 - Queer, There and Everywhere - full transcript

Ted:
BRIAN KINNEY, A FATHER?

Michael: [ On telephone ]
It's true. I was there.

I saw it happen
with my own eyes.

TALK ABOUT CONCEIVING
THE INCONCEIVABLE.

OR IS IT THE
OTHER WAY AROUND?

Michael:
Would you give
the guy a break?

Emmett: [ On telephone ]
Couldn't be any worse
than my Daddy was.

Michael:
Or mine, not that
I can remember him.

SO WHAT'S NEXT?
PTA PARENT?

LITTLE LEAGUE COACH?
SCOUTMASTER?

THEY DON'T
ALLOW QUEERS
IN THE SCOUTS.



THEY'RE AFRAID
WE'LL INDUCT
NEW RECRUITS.

I ONLY GO OUT WITH MEN
WHO'VE ALREADY ENLISTED.

SO, UH, WHO'S
HE LOOK LIKE?

WELL, HE'S GOT
BRIAN'S EYES
AND MOUTH AND...

LINDSAY'S NOSE.

WELL, IF HE'S GOT
MELANIE'S DICK,
WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

[ Chuckling ]

YOU SHOULD SEE
THE PICTURES
I TOOK.

HE'S SO
ADORABLE.

IN ONE OF THEM HE'S
ACTUALLY PLAYING
WITH HIMSELF.

WHO, BRIAN?
NO, THE BABY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE,
HE'S ONLY BEEN IN THE
WORLD ABOUT AN HOUR

AND ALREADY HE'S
PULLING HIS PUD?

EXCUSE ME.
YEAH.



CAN YOU TELL
ME WHERE MEN'S
JOCKEY SHORTS ARE?

AISLE FOUR.

THANKS.
SURE.

Ted: [ On telephone ]
Well, that proves
the theory.

WE'VE ALL GOT DICK ON THE
BRAIN FROM WOMB TO TOMB.

Emmett:
Speak for yourself.

I AM.

YEAH, GO FOR IT.

ARE YOU WATCHING THAT
FILTHY WEB SITE AGAIN?

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS GUY. HE MUST BE
AT LEAST 10 INCHES.

TED? TED.

UH, CAN I PUT
YOU ON HOLD ONE
MOMENT PLEASE?

YES,
MR. WERTSHAFTER?

HAVE YOU FINISHED
GOING OVER THE
GROPNIK RETURNS?

OH, YES, SIR.

I JUST PRINTED
THEM OUT.

THERE YOU ARE.
FEDERAL AND STATE.

THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME...

MR. WERTSHAFTER.

SORRY. THE BOSS.

SHIT! YOU
BETTER
BE CAREFUL.

OH PLEASE,
THAT GUY'S SO
BLIND, HE'S YET
TO FIGURE OUT

HIS WIFE'S BEEN
BOINKING HIS
BUSINESS PARTNER

FOR THE LAST
FIVE YEARS.

HOW HE'S GOING TO FIND
OUT ABOUT ME?

I'LL CATCH
YOU LATER.

LATER.
LATER.

Michael: [ Narrating ]
REMEMBER THAT STORY WE
ALL READ IN HIGH SCHOOL,

YOU KNOW THE ONE
ABOUT THE PRISONERS
CHAINED IN THE CAVE?

PLATO OR WHOEVER.

ALL THEY COULD SEE
WERE SHADOWS ON A WALL,

SO AFTER A WHILE,
THEY STARTED THINKING
THAT WAS REALITY.

WELL, IN A WAY,
THAT'S WHAT TED'S LIKE.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE
HE'S HAD SEX WITH SOME-
ONE HE DIDN'T DOWNLOAD,

HE'S FORGOTTEN THAT
ALL THOSE PERFECT BODIES

AND PERFECT FACES
AREN'T REAL.

THAT NO ONE'S REALLY THERE.
THAT THEY'RE ONLY...

SHADOWS.

THEN AGAIN, WHOEVER GOT
ANAL WARTS IN A CHATROOM?

Woman:
MICHAEL.

[ Mouthing silently ]

[ Chuckle ]

[ Dropping of baskets ]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
OUR BEER AND THEIR BEER

IS THAT OUR BEER
SAYS, "SEX"...

NOT CLYDESDALES.

IF YOU WANT TO BE COOL,

IF YOU WANT
TO BE POPULAR,

IF YOU WANT TO
GET... LAID...

THIS IS WHAT
YOU DRINK.

Man:
WHAT ABOUT
THE MODEL?

ARE YOU SURE
HE ISN'T TOO, UM...

GAY?

LADIES?

Woman:
I WOULDN'T CARE
IF HE WAS.

I'D GO TO BED
WITH HIM ANYWAY.

[ Giggle ]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I HADN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT IT.

[ ?????? ]

?? THAT'S RIGHT ??

[ ?????? ]

[ Grunts of game ]

Coach:
MOVE. MOVE. YOU GUYS SHOW
SOME HUSTLE OUT THERE.

LET'S GO.

Justin:
GUESS WHAT I WAS
DOING LAST NIGHT.

Girl:
SLEEPING,
SAME AS ME?

HAVING SEX,
ALL NIGHT,

WITH THAT GUY I MET,
BRIAN KINNEY.

WE DID IT
TILL 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

WELL?
AREN'T YOU SHOCKED?

NOT REALLY.

OH.

WELL, I KINDA
FIGURED THAT
YOU'RE...

YOU KNOW.

EVEN THOUGH YOU
NEVER TOLD ME.

I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

[ Deep sigh ]

WANT SOME OF
MY VEGGIE WRAP?

SO WHAT WAS
IT LIKE?

WELL, I
STARTED OUT
AS A TIGHT END,

BUT WOUND UP
A WIDE RECEIVER.
[ Giggle ]

Players:
BALL. BALL.

Coach:
COME ON,
WHERE'S YOUR ARM?

THANKS.

THANK YOU.
GOOD TO MEET YOU.

THANK YOU.
NEXT TIME.

THANKS.

UH, ?? HE'S MARRIED ??

Brian:
UH-HUH.

Woman:
WITH TWO
CHILDREN.

AH, A
FAMILY MAN.

HUH!
EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU, UH,
TELL ME WHERE THE
MEN'S ROOM IS?

YEAH, IT'S JUST
DOWN THE HALL
AND TO THE LEFT.

THANKS.

THAT'S A
LONG TRIP.
HUH!

HE MIGHT
GET LOST.

I'M SURE
YOU'LL SHOW
HIM THE WAY.

THERE I WAS
ON MY BACK.

AND THERE HE WAS
ON TOP OF ME,
SLIPPING IT IN.

THAT MUST HAVE HURT.
DIDN'T IT HURT?

YEAH, AT FIRST IT
FELT LIKE SOMEONE

WAS SHOVING A
BROOM UP THERE.

BUT, I TOLD HIM
TO GO SLOWER,
AND HE DID.

THEN I STOPPED
THINKING ABOUT
IT WHEN I LOOKED
AT HIS FACE.

HIS EYES
WERE CLOSED.

HIS MOUTH
WAS OPEN

IN A SORT
OF SMILE,

LIKE HE WAS IN
ANOTHER PLACE.

A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

THAT PLACE
WAS ME.
[ Snort ]

AND HIS BODY. GOD!

LIKE HIS BODY
WAS SO AMAZING.

I COULD SEE
EVERY MUSCLE.

HE SAID HE WANTED
TO STAY INSIDE
ME FOREVER,

AND I WANTED HIM TO.

I STILL FEEL HIM,

LIKE, HE'S STILL THERE.

CHRIST, DAPHNE,
EVERYBODY TALKS
ABOUT HAVING SEX.

BUT I REALLY DID IT.

[ Opening of zipper ]
[ Sniffle ]

I HAD TO PISS
DURING THAT
WHOLE PITCH.

DIDN'T THINK I
COULD HOLD IT.

YOUR PRESENTATION
WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

THINK SO?

YEAH, IT WAS
VERY IMPRESSIVE.

WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU LIKED IT,

BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT WE'RE
HERE FOR.

TO PLEASE
THE CLIENT.

SO, LIKE,
WHAT IS HE NOW?

YOUR BOYFRIEND?

[ Chuckle ]
WE JUST MET.

WELL... DO
YOU LOVE HIM?

I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH, I
LOVE HIM.
[ Giggle ]

DOES HE LOVE YOU?

HE SAID HE DID.
WHEN?

WELL, WHEN
HE WAS ABOUT
TO SHOOT.

HE WAS MOVING
REALLY FAST,
AND HE LET
OUT THIS GROAN

LIKE NOTHING
I'D EVER
HEARD BEFORE.

AND THAT'S WHEN
HE SAID IT,

RIGHT WHEN
HE CAME.

HE SAID,
"I LOVE YOU."

THEN HE LEANED IN
AND KISSED ME.

[ Clearing
of throat ]

WELL, I GUESS
WE BETTER BE
GETTING BACK.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

IT'S BEEN
A PLEASURE.

IT CAN BE EVEN
MORE OF ONE.

EXCUSE ME?

[ ?????? ]

YOU KNOW,
I'M NEVER WRONG.

HUH?
OH NOTHING,
BUDDY.

I-I DON'T KISS.

YEAH, RIGHT.

[ ?????? ]

MR. NOVOTNY?

MIKE.
MIKE.

I WAS WONDERING IF...

WELL, YOU KNOW
THOSE BOXES YOU
WANTED ME TO MOVE.
MM-HMM.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANT
TO SEEM LIKE I'M
SHIRKING OR ANYTHING,

BUT THEY'RE
KIND OF HEAVY.

DO YOU THINK ONE OF
THE GUYS COULD MAYBE
GIVE ME A HAND?

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
I CAN GET SOME-
BODY TO HELP YOU.

OH, THAT'D BE
GREAT. OKAY.

I'LL BE OVER ON AISLE 14.

OKAY.
OKAY.

Woman:
YES, YOUR
MAJESTY.

SOMEBODY SHOULD
TELL HER
PRINCESS DI
IS DEAD,

AND THEY'RE
NOT LOOKING FOR
A REPLACEMENT.

THE BOXES
ARE HEAVY.

AND THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH
ASKING FOR HELP.

I... I THINK
SHE'S KIND OF
SWEET ACTUALLY.

YOU THINK
SHE'S SWEET?

WELL, I DON'T
REALLY KNOW
HER, BUT, YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT CUTE?

YEAH, SHE'S CUTE.

WELL, SHE THINKS
YOU'RE CUTE TOO.

SHE... DOES?

SHE LIKES
YOU A LOT.

BUT SHE DIDN'T
KNOW IF YOU
LIKED HER,

SO I SAID
I'D FIND OUT.

SO YOU DON'T
REALLY THINK
SHE'S STUCK-UP.

OH, SHE'S
ADOLL.

YOU KNOW, I
NEVER HEARD YOU
SAY YOU LIKED
A GIRL BEFORE.

WELL, I...
IN FACT...

I'VE NEVER HEARD
YOU SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT GIRLS.

YOU...
LIKE GIRLS,
DON'T YOU?

SURE. UH...
SO? THEN YOU'LL
COME WITH US

AFTER WORK TONIGHT.
WE'RE TAKING HER
OUT FOR A DRINK.

I DON'T THINK
I CAN. I...
AH!

NO EXCUSES.
SHOELESS JOE'S, 7:30.

AND... DO
SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

IT WAS A TRAP.

HEY, SEE THAT
NUMBER IN THE
RED SHORTS?

Ted:
I COULD
WORK OUT FOR
100 YEARS

AND NEVER LOOK
LIKE THAT.

PRETENDING SHE
DIDN'T LIKE HER,

JUST TO SEE
WHAT I'D SAY.

SHAWN PETERS. I WENT HOME
WITH HIM THE OTHER NIGHT,
THINKING HE WAS THIS BRUTAL TOP.

AND?

AND I FELL FOR IT!

TURNS OUT HE'S A
BIG NELLY BOTTOM.

I COULD HAVE
TOLD YOU THAT.

Emmett:
AW, IT'S SO
DISCOURAGING.

ARE THERE NO
REAL MEN LEFT?

AND NOW THEY'RE EXPECTING
ME TO MEET THEM.

IN STEROID CITY?

NO, IN THIS STRAIGHT BAR.

IS THERE ANYONE
HERE LISTENING?

THERE'S THIS NEW
GIRL AT WORK WHO'S
INTERESTED IN YOU.

FAT MARLEY TRICKED
YOU INTO MEETING HER
AND SOME OF THE OTHERS

FOR A DRINK AFTER
WORK, AND NOW
YOU HAVE TO GO

OR THEY MIGHT
SUSPECT.

CHECK OUT MR. PEC-DECK.

Emmett:
SO WHAT...

IF THEY DO?

THEY COULD FIRE HIM.

OR I COULD END UP
AN ASSISTANT MANAGER
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

AND THE SOLUTION IS TO
PRETEND YOU LIKE PUSSY?

AH, LOOK,
HE'S NOT LIKE
YOU, OKAY?

WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

MEANING HE'S NOT AN
OBVIOUSLY GAY MAN.

ARE YOU ACCUSING ME
OF BEING OBVIOUS?

IF THE FUCK-ME PUMP FITS...

WELL, I COULD BE
A... A R-REAL MAN,
IF I WANTED TO.

YOU KNOW, JUST
LOWER MY VOICE,

STOP... GESTURING
WITH MY HANDS,

MAKE SURE MY FACE
IS EXPRESSIONLESS.

NEVER, NEVER USE
WORDS LIKE...

LIKE FABULOUS OR DIVINE,

TALK ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW,
NAILING BITCHES AND RBIs.

BUT I'D RATHER
MY FLAME BURN BRIGHT,

THAN BE SOME PUNY,
LITTLE PILOT LIGHT.

AND A FABULOUS
FLAME IT IS.

THANK YOU.
YEAH.

Ted:
BUT MICHAEL IS
OUT THERE IN THE
STRAIGHT WORLD.

AND BELIEVE ME,
IT ISN'T EASY.

YOU DO WHAT
YOU HAVE TO DO.

[ Panting ]

I BETTER GO CHANGE.

FOR YOUR BIG DATE?

OOH, HERE'S
A SPORTS MAG.

BETTER BONE UP.

JUST IN CASE THE
CONVERSATION VEERS
AWAY FROM LIZA'S
WEIGHT PROBLEM.

JUSTIN, DID YOU
HEAR ME? I SAID
YOU'RE NOT GOING.

[ Snort ]
I'M GOING.

YOU WERE JUST
THERE LAST NIGHT.
SO WHAT?

SO, I WAS PLANNING
TO TAKE YOU
AND YOUR SISTER

OUT FOR PIZZA.

YOU...

YOU KNOW, I
EXPECT YOU TO
CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

I DON'T
UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU HAVE
TO SPEND

ALL YOUR TIME
WITH DAPHNE.

OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL
CLOTHES YOUR FATHER
AND I BOUGHT FOR YOU,

YOU HAVE TO PICK
SOMETHING THAT
NO LONGER FITS.

THAT IS TOO TIGHT.

THAT'S WHY.

JUSTIN?

DON'T I GET A
KISS GOODBYE?

I EXPECT
YOU TO CALL.

WE NEED A
SECRET CODE WORD
LIKE "SHAZAM",

SO THAT IF I GET
IN A TIGHT SPOT,

YOU CAN COME IN
AND RESCUE ME.

A TIGHT SPOT.
HOW ABOUT
"BUTTPLUG"?

"BUTTPLUG" MIGHT
BE A LITTLE HARD
TO WORK INTO
A CONVERSATION.

BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT YOU ARE,
PRETENDING YOU'RE
ONE OF THEM.

I COULDN'T
HELP IT.

OH, YOU COULD
HAVE TOLD HER
THE TRUTH,

INSTEAD OF ACTING
LIKE A SCARED,
LITTLE FAGGOT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
JUST SAID, "I
TAKE IT UP THE
ASS, SWEETHEART.

DEAL WITH IT."
RIGHT. RIGHT.

BY THE WAY, I
NOTICED YOU GOT
THE JEEP REPAINTED.

[ Deep sigh ]

OH MY GOD, THIS
PLACE IS LIKE,
BREEDER CENTRAL.

BUTTPLUG, BUTT-
PLUG, BUTTPLUG,
BUTT...

SEE YOU, MIKEY.

[ Mixed chatter ]

Man:
I WANT TO WATCH
THE END OF THE GAME.

[ Country & Western ?????? ]
?? WON'T YOU BE TRUE? ??

?? LUZIETTE,
OH, LUZIETTE ??

?? GIRL I LOVE YOU ??

?? SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME
EVERY TIME I WATCH HER DANCE ??

?? FIDDLES PLAY AND
AS SHE MOVES... ??

Marley:
MICHAEL.
MICHAEL!

WHERE YOU BEEN?
WE THOUGHT YOU
GOT LOST.

SOME, UH, LAST-
MINUTE BUSINESS.

SLIDE IT ON IN.

HARV, MOVE
YOUR HAIRY ASS.

Man:
[ Chuckle ]

THANKS.

WHAT'LL
YOU HAVE?

UH... SAME AS
EVERYBODY ELSE.

GOOD CHOICE.

UH, BRING OVER
ANOTHER PITCHER.

Michael:
HI.

HI. GLAD YOU
COULD MAKE IT.

I TOLD YOU
HE'D BE HERE,

DIDN'T I?
NOT TO WORRY?

I WASN'T
WORRIED.

NOW JUST MAKE
SURE HE'S NOT
SEEING ANYONE,

BEFORE YOU GET
ALL LOVEY-DOVEY.
[ Giggle ]

MARLEY, WOULD
YOU SHUT UP AND
LEAVE 'EM ALONE?

WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT
SEEING ANYONE,
ARE YOU?

ME?

NO.
WELL THAT'S
GOOD.

I MEAN...
I UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T WANT
TO GET INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE

IF THEY'RE
INVOLVED ALREADY.

SO ARE YOU?
SEEING ANYONE?

NO. WE JUST
BROKE UP.
OH. SORRY.

OH, DON'T BE.
HE WAS A REAL DOOFUS.

ONLY I DIDN'T
KNOW IT AT
THE TIME.

THERE'S SO MUCH
YOU DON'T KNOW
AT THE TIME.

ISN'T THAT
THE TRUTH?

LIKE, CAN YOU
BELIEVE, HE...

HE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW HOW TO
FIX A SINK?

Others:
[ Chuckles of sympathy ]
REALLY!

Woman:
HE CALLED ME AT WORK
SAYING, "WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

I SAID,
"I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU DO.

BUY SOME CEMENT.
GET A CORK.

USED CHEWING GUM.
BUT PLUG IT UP!"

All:
[ Laughing ]

BUT PLUG IT...
[ Chuckle ]

BUTTPLUG...
[ Helpless
laughter ]

A MILLION DOLLARS?

Melanie:
THAT'S THE
GENERAL IDEA.

A MILLION
FUCKING DOLLARS?

BRIAN, PLEASE.
YOU'LL WAKE
THE BABY.

WELL, THE ANSWER'S NO.
DEFINITELY NOT.

HUH, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND
THE PROBLEM.

I MEAN, LINDSAY
TOLD ME YOU
OFFERED TO HELP
SUPPORT HIM.

IT WAS VERY
GENEROUS.

WELL THAT'S
DIFFERENT THAN A
LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.

IT'S SIMPLY IN
CASE SOMETHING
HAPPENS TO YOU.

LIKE I'M
DECAPITATED
AT A RAILROAD
CROSSING?

OR BURNED BEYOND
RECOGNITION IN
SOME GAS EXPLOSION?

YOU KNOW, I CAN
JUST IMAGINE THE
GRIZZLY DEATHS

YOU'VE CONJURED
UP FOR ME.

LIKE IN CASE
YOU GET SICK.

AH. EVEN BETTER.

CONSIDERING YOUR LIFE.

I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST
TIME YOU WERE TESTED?

SIX MONTHS AGO.
I WAS NEGATIVE.

THAT'S 26 WEEKS

AND 182 ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED PEOPLE WHO COULD
MULTIPLY IN THEIR HEADS.

AND I'M ALWAYS
CAREFUL.

LOOK, THIS ISN'T FOR US.
IT'S FOR OUR SON.

WE NEED TO MAKE
SURE HE'LL BE
PROVIDED FOR.

AND ALL I HAVE
TO DO IS DIE.

HOPEFULLY NOT
BEFORE YOU SIGN
THESE PAPERS.

All:
[ Jolly laughter ]

WE WON'T BE
LAUGHING COME
SUPERBOWL TIME,

WHEN WE'RE
UP AGAINST
THE TITANS.

WE DON'T STAND
A CHANCE.

DON'T SAY THAT.

YOU'VE GOT
TO BELIEVE,
RIGHT, MIKE?

LIKE CHER!

YOUWATCHFOOTBALL?

CONSTANTLY.

[ Chuckle ]
SO, UH...

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO I THINK?

I THINK...

DUE TO FREE AGENCY,
WE'VE LOST SOME OF
OUR BEST PLAYERS.

STILL, OUR DEFENCE
IS STRONG, BUT WE
NEED A NEW SCHEME

FROM OUR DEFENSIVE
COORDINATOR TO
MOVE THE BALL.

[ Chuckle ]
THAT'S JUST
WHAT I SAY.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.

[ Ringing of cell phone ]

HELLO, SPORTS FANS.

I'M COMING TO GET YOU.

IT'S OKAY. I'M HAVING
A REALLY GOOD TIME.

SHE'S REALLY,
REALLY NICE.

SHE'S REALLY NICE?

DO YOU THINK SHE
AND HER FRIENDS
WOULD BE REALLY NICE

IF THEY KNEW THE LITTLE
CHARADE YOU WERE PLAYING?

THEY'D PROBABLY
TIE YOU TO A FENCE
AND BASH YOUR BRAINS IN.

THEY'RE NOT LIKE THAT.

NOT LIKE THAT, HUH?

Listen to me, Mikey.

Are you listening?
YEAH, I'M LISTENING.

THERE'S ONLY TWO
KINDS OF STRAIGHT
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD;

THE ONES THAT HATE
YOU TO YOUR FACE,

AND THE ONES THAT HATE
YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.

Now get the fuck
out of there...

BECAUSE I NEED YOU.

[ Beep of disconnect ]

Emmett:
?? ...HOW I WAS GONNA
CHANGE, BUT I'M NOT ??

?? IF YOU KEEP DOING
THINGS I DON'T ??

?? YOU BETTER THINK ??
Others:
?? THINK ??

?? THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO DO TO ME, YEAH ??

?? THINK ??
?? THINK ??

?? LET YOUR MIND GO,
LET YOURSELF BE FREE ??

OH YEAH!

?? YEAH-H-H... ??

HI.

OH SHIT,
JUST WHAT I NEED.

WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

JUSTIN.
HIS NAME'S JUSTIN.

IF I CAN REMEMBER
IT AND I DIDN'T
EVEN FUCK HIM,

WHY CAN'T YOU?

BECAUSE I DID.

SO, DAWSON, HOW
ARE THINGS DOWN
AT THE CREEK?

Crowd:
[ Cheering ]

Emmett:
THANK YOU,
PITTSBURGH.

I LOVE YOU.

YOU KNOW, FOR A
SKINNY WHITE BOY,

I MAKE ONE FUCKING
FABULOUS BLACK WOMAN!

[ Chuckle ]

HOW ABOUT
ANOTHER ROUND
ON ME?

I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
LET'S MOVE ON.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HERE?

I'VE HAD
EVERYONE HERE.

YEAH, MY PROBLEM
PRECISELY.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD ME.

OH YEAH?

WHAT?
Y-YOU NEVER TOLD US.

THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.

WE WERE UP IN HIS ROOM.

WE WERE 14,
15 TOPS.
[ Heavy sigh ]

WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE STUDYING,
WHATEVER,

ONLY WE'RE NOT.
WE'RE LOOKING

AT THIS TRASHY
PHOTO MAG HIS MOM
SWIPED FROM THE
BEAUTY PARLOUR.

ANYWAY...

THERE'S THIS SHOT OF
PATRICK SWAYZE FROM
"DIRTY DANCING"...

WITHOUT HIS
SHIRT ON.

AH-H-H.
AH-HA-HA!

SO I'VE GOT THIS
HARD-ON JUST FROM
LOOKING AT IT,

AND I GLANCE
OVER AT MIKEY,
AND GUESS WHAT?

HE'S GOT
ONE TOO.

OKAY, YOU
CAN STOP NOW.

TWIN STIFFIES.

I REACH OVER,

START RUBBING IT.

HE'S PRACTICALLY
SWOONING.

I POP IT OUT,
START STROKING IT,

NICE AND SLOW.

AND WE'RE BOTH
THIS CLOSE.

THEN...

HIS MOM WALKS IN
WITHOUT KNOCKING.

All:
[ Laughing ]

THEY ALWAYS DO.

DID SHE SEE YOU?

I DON'T SEE
HOW SHE COULD
HAVE MISSED IT.

ONLY WE DIDN'T COME,
SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.

OH, "DIRTY DANCING".

THAT'S A REALLY
OLD MOVIE.

WHAT?
I SAID THAT'S A
REALLY OLD MOVIE.

IT'S NOT THAT OLD.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

UH-OH.

HOW OLD DO YOU
THINK I AM?

33?

[ Snort ]
[ Chuckle ]

FUCK YOU!

HE'S 29.
AND FUCK YOU TOO.

WHAT DID YOU
TELL HIM FOR?
FAIR'S FAIR.

WE ALL KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
IN A FEW MONTHS,

YOU'LL BE 30.

MIGHT AS WELL
BE DEAD.

HMM, WELL...

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.

YOU ALREADY ARE.

OH, HO, HO, HO.

Michael:
OH NO YOU DON'T.

COME BACK HERE.
YOU'RE NOT STICKING
US WITH THAT KID.

HE'S YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY.
NOW GET BACK
IN THERE.

YOU KNOW,
I'M GETTING
A LITTLE SICK

OF PEOPLE TELLING
ME WHAT'S MY
RESPONSIBILITY.

IF LINDSAY AND
MELANIE WANT
TO GO OFF AND
HAVE A KID,

THAT'S THEIR
RESPONSIBILITY.

IF WHAT'S-HIS-NAME--
JUSTIN--

WANTS TO GO OUT
AND PICK UP GUYS
WHILE HE'S STILL
IN HIGH SCHOOL,

THAT'S HIS
RESPONSIBILITY.

MY RESPONSIBILITY
IS TO MYSELF.

I DON'T OWE ANYBODY
A GODDAMN THING.

CALM DOWN!

I GOTTA GO.

Emmett:
ANYONE UP FOR BABYLON?

Ted:
I WAS THINKING
BOYTOY.

YOU KNOW, I
HAVEN'T BEEN
SNUBBED BY A
TWINKIE IN WEEKS.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

Ted:
WHAT
ABOUT HIM?

WELL, WE CAN'T JUST
LEAVE HIM HERE.

IT'S NOT
OUR PROBLEM.

HE'S MINE?

NO, BRIAN'S
YOUR PROBLEM.

LET HIM CLEAN
UP HIS OWN MESS
FOR A CHANGE.

DON'T WASTE YOUR
FRIDAY NIGHT BABYSITTING.

[ ?????? ]

I COME ALL THE
WAY HERE JUST
TO SEE HIM.

HE DOESN'T
WANT ANYTHING
TO DO WITH ME.

YEAH WELL, THE
THING YOU GOT
TO KNOW ABOUT
BRIAN IS...

HE'S NOT YOUR
BOYFRIEND.

BRIAN DOESN'T
DO BOYFRIENDS.

YEAH WELL,
YOU WEREN'T
THERE WHEN WE
WERE DOING IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE
THINGS WE DID...

HOW HE KISSED ME.

YOU DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING.

I KNOW THIS.

BRIAN IS A
SELFISH PRICK

WHO DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT ANYONE
BUT HIMSELF.

IF I WERE YOU,
I'D JUST FORGET
ABOUT HIM.

HI'YA, BOYS.
GETTIN' ANY TONIGHT?

[ Chuckle ]

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
AROUND HERE BEFORE.

HE'S NEW.
Woman:
AND CUTE.

EVERY GUY IN THE
PLACE HAS HIS EYE
ON YOU TONIGHT,
SWEETHEART.

Michael:
CAN WE ORDER?

SHOOT. BET IT'LL BE
THE FIRST TIME TONIGHT,
AM I RIGHT?

Woman:
[ Chortling ]

HA-HA. I'LL
HAVE THE CHICKEN-
FRIED STEAK.
NO REMARKS.

AND, UH,

HE'LL HAVE A
BACON CHEESEBURGER.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR
STRENGTH UP, SUNSHINE.

YOU CAN'T CRUISE
ALL NIGHT ON AN
EMPTY STOMACH.

[ Chuckling ]

WHAT A FREAK!

YEAH, SHE TAKES
SOME GETTING
USED TO,

BUT ONCE YOU
DO, CAN'T HELP
BUT LOVE HER.

ONE CHICKEN-FRIED
STEAK WITH NO REMARKS,

COMING UP IN A FLASH.

THANKS, MOM.

YOU'RE WELCOME,
BABY.

[ Embarrassed chuckle ]

YOU'RE, LIKE,
SO LUCKY.

I AM?
YOUR MOM'S COOL
ABOUT YOU BEING GAY.

IF MINE FOUND
OUT, SHE'D
KILL ME.

AT LEAST IT GIVES HER
A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

I MEAN, WITHOUT
ME SHE'D BE
PLAYING BINGO

INSTEAD OF
ORGANIZING PRIDE
MARCHES AND...

HANDING
OUT CONDOMS.

DO YOU NEED
A RIDE?

UH, I BORROWED
A FRIEND'S CAR.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
A LITTLE BEEMER
OF YOUR OWN?

I'M WORKING ON IT.

JUST REMEMBER
WHAT I TOLD YOU
ABOUT BRIAN.

IF HE'S SUCH
A SELFISH PRICK,

HOW COME YOU'RE
ALWAYS FOLLOWING
HIM AROUND?

I'M NOT ALWAYS
FOLLOWING HIM
AROUND.

WE'RE BEST
FRIENDS.

WE ACCEPT
EACH OTHER FOR
WHO WE ARE,

NO JUDGEMENTS,
NO OBLIGATIONS,

NO QUESTIONS
ASKED.

YOU'RE JUST
WAITING FOR
HIM TO FINISH
JERKING YOU OFF.

WHAT?
YOU NEVER
GOT OFF.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
STILL HANGING
AROUND AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS.

GO ON, CHICKEN.
BACK TO YOUR COOP.

AND DON'T GO
LOOKING FOR HIM.
IT'LL JUST MAKE
THINGS WORSE.

READY, SWEETIE?

DID HE TAKE OFF?

JUST AS WELL.

HE WAS A LITTLE
TOO YOUNG FOR YOU.

HMM.

Melanie:
SHOULD I INVITE
MY COUSIN RITA?

WHICH ONE'S SHE?
YOU KNOW.

THE ONE WITH
THE, UH, OVERBITE

WHO NEVER APPROVED OF US?

OH, HER. MIGHT AS WELL.

SHE PROBABLY
WON'T COME ANYWAY.

OH...
THAT'S MY
GOOD BOY.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S FUNNY.

I USED TO SEE THESE
WOMEN FEEDING THEIR
KIDS, AND I'D THINK,

"UGH, WHAT
A TURN-OFF."

BUT WATCHING YOU...

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW
CONNECTED YOU FEEL.

GOOD NIGHT,
SWEETIE.

NEXT TIME,
WE'LL FEED
HIM TOGETHER.

YOU CAN GIVE
HIM MY BREAST.

IT'S SO FULL.

[ Sighs of pleasure ]

I GUESS THAT'S
ALL WE CAN DO
FOR NOW.

OH, 34 GUESTS.
THAT'S A LOT.

NOT EVERYONE
WILL SHOW.

WELL, LET'S HOPE ONE
IN PARTICULAR DOESN'T.

Lindsay:
I HOPE WE WEREN'T
TOO HARD ON HIM.

WHO? BRIAN?

ALL THAT TALK
ABOUT THE INSURANCE.

IT ALMOST SOUNDED
LIKE WE WERE HOPING
SOMETHING MIGHT
HAPPEN TO HIM.

WE'RE JUST
BEING PRACTICAL.

I MEAN, HE'S
THE FATHER,
ISN'T HE?

IT ONLY MAKES
SENSE THAT HIS
SON SHOULD BE
HIS BENEFICIARY.

[ Clatter of typing ]

Lindsay:
I'M JUST SAYING MAYBE
WE SHOULD HAVE WAITED

UNTIL HE WAS OVER
THE INITIAL SHOCK.

HUH!

WHAT SHOCK?
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO GAVE BIRTH.

ALL HE DID WAS
SHOW UP WITH HIS
LATEST TRICK.

AT LEAST HE
SHOWED UP.
[ Scoffing ]

CHRIST, IT
NEVER CEASES
TO AMAZE ME.

WHAT?
THE WAY YOU PUT
UP WITH HIS SHIT.

[ Fussing of baby ]
SHHH.

I DON'T PUT
UP WITH IT.
LIKE HELL.

I UNDERSTAND IT...
HIM.

WHAT? THAT HE'S
A BIGGER INFANT
THAN HIS SON?

THAT HE DOES
EXACTLY WHAT
HE WANTS.

NO EXCUSES,
NO APOLOGIES.

I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED HIM
FOR THAT.

WELL, THEN
YOU CAN PUT
UP WITH IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO.

COME ON,
LET'S GO BACK
TO SLEEP...

FOR AN HOUR.

YES.

SO, YOU GOING
OUT CRUISING

AFTER YOU
DROP ME OFF?

NO. I'VE BEEN
INVITED TO AN
ALL-NIGHT ORGY.

WHOO! SOUNDS HOT.
HMM.

IF YOU MUST KNOW,
I AM GOING BACK TO
MY GAY APARTMENT,

TAKING OFF
MY GAY CLOTHES,

AND GETTING INTO
MY GAY BED.

YOU'RE IN A MOOD.

IT'S GODDAMN
BRIAN.

WHAT DID
HE DO THIS TIME?

NEVER MIND.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T
LET HIM GET TO YOU.

BUT HE ALWAYS DOES.

THAT'S WHY I KEEP HOPING
THAT YOU'LL MEET SOMEBODY.

WHY ARE ALL
THE LIGHTS ON?

SOMETHING MUST BE
WRONG WITH VIC.

VIC!

BABY?

IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?

JUST COULDN'T
SLEEP.

HEY, MIKEY.
UNCLE VIC.

ARE YOU IN PAIN?

YEAH.
WHERE? TELL ME.

MY WALLET.

HOLY SHIT!

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S THE MASTERCARD
BILL FROM OUR...

OUR TRIP TO ITALY.

FIRST-CLASS
AIRLINE TICKETS,

THE EXCELSIOR
IN ROME,

THE DIAMOND
AND CORAL EARRINGS
I BOUGHT YOU IN CAPRI.

THEY'RE ALL HERE.

THE PROBLEM IS,
SO AM I.

DON'T SAY THAT.

IT'S A MIRACLE
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

IT'S A MIRACLE
HOW I'M GONNA PAY
FOR ALL OF THIS.

HUSTLE?

Both:
[ Chuckling ]

Both:
[ Chuckling ]

[ ?????? ]

?? IT'S YOU,
YOU, YOU AGAIN ??

?? DREAMY CRUSH
WITH THE SUN COMING UP ??

?? GLANCE, LOOK, STARE, ??

?? STAKE IN MY HEART,
OH-HO-HO ??

?? IT BEATS SO FAST,
SO FAST IT STOPS ??

??
?? I THINK WE JAM LIKE JELL

?? JELLY BABY ??

?? COME ON,
MAKE IT HAPPEN ??

?? PEACH MALIBU ??

[ ?????? ]

Teenaged Brian's voice:
PATRICK SWAYZE
IS SO HOT!

??
?? EMPTY YOUR VESSEL FOR ME

?? 'CAUSE WE TRAVEL
TOGETHER ON BUS 43 ??

I GUESS WE'LL HAVE
TO TAKE CARE OF THAT.

?? EMPTY YOUR
VESSEL FOR ME ??

?? 'CAUSE WE TRAVEL... ??

PATRICK SWAYZE
IS SO HOT.

I'VE SEEN
"DIRTY DANCING",
LIKE, FIVE TIMES.

WHAT I WOULDN'T
GIVE TO FUCK HIM.

DON'T SAY
THAT, BRIAN.

YOU'RE
SO PATHETIC.

FIRST I'D
UNZIP HIS FLY.

THEN I'D PULL
OUT HIS KING-
SIZED BONER.

PLAY WITH IT,
REAL SLOW.

OH, YEAH?

HEY, MIKEY...

YOU HAVE
A WOODIE.

I DO NOT.

YOU DO TOO.

WE'LL HAVE TO
DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.

[ ?????? ]

?? GLANCE, LOOK, STARE ??

?? STAKE IN MY HEART,
OH-HO-HO ??

?? IT BEATS SO FAST,
SO FAST IT STOPS ??

HI, BABE.

MA! CAN'T YOU KNOCK?

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
WE'RE HAVING A YARD SALE,

SO IF YOU
WANT TO THROW
ANYTHING OUT...

OH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU STILL HAVE A
CRUSH ONHIM.

I'D FUCK YOU.

[ Buzzing of doorbell ]

TOP FLOOR. COME ON UP.

CHRIST!
I'M SORRY.

I-I DON'T
WANT TO...
YOU CAN'T JUST
DROP BY UNANNOUNCED.

I JUST WANT
TO TALK.

THERE'S NOTHING
TO TALK ABOUT.

PLEASE? I WON'T
STAY LONG. I...

I'LL JUST...
CAN I?
NO.

OH, SHIT.

THE DOOR WAS
ABOUT TO SHUT
SO I...

SLIPPED IN.

PENTHOUSE.
NOT BAD.

WHO'S THIS?
NO ONE.

I HAVE TO SEE YOU.

I'M BUSY.

I DON'T MIND
A THREESOME,

ALTHOUGH HE'S
KIND OF YOUNG.

HE'S ALSO KIND
OF LEAVING.

WHO'S HE?
FORGIVE ME FOR
NOT INTRODUCING YOU.

JUSTIN, THIS
IS MR. GOODFUK.

MR. GOODFUK,
MAY I PRESENT
JUSTIN.

NAME IS GEORGE.

SORRY.
GEORGE GOODFUK.

YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW HIM.

WELL, I WAS HOPING
TO GET TO.

NOW WHY DON'T
YOU JUST
SCAMPER ON HOME?

HE'S MY STALKER.

THAT WASN'T VERY KIND,

SENDING HIM OFF,
A KID THAT AGE,

BY HIMSELF
AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.

WHO ARE YOU?
FATHER GOODFUK?

OH, ALL RIGHT.

MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE.

AND DON'T...
STEAL ANYTHING.

HEY. HEY!

I JUST LEFT
A COMPLETE STRANGER
ALONE IN MY APARTMENT

TO COME AND
TALK TO YOU,

SO DON'T RUN
AWAY FROM ME.

WE NEED TO
GET SOMETHING
STRAIGHT.

YOU DON'T DO
BOYFRIENDS.

OH. MIKEY'S BEEN
TALKING TO YOU.

YOU'LL FUCK ANYONE.

HE'S UGLY.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

AND I...
I REALLY THOUG...
JUSTIN.

I'VE HAD YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED
LAST NIGHT...

IT WAS FOR FUN.

YOU WANTED ME
AND I WANTED YOU.

THAT'S ALL IT WAS.

A FUCK?

WELL WHAT DID
YOU THINK IT WAS?

LOOK, I DON'T
BELIEVE IN LOVE.

I BELIEVE
IN FUCKING.

IT'S HONEST.
IT'S EFFICIENT.

YOU GET IN AND
OUT WITH A MAXIMUM
OF PLEASURE

AND A MINIMUM
OF BULLSHIT.

LOVE IS SOME-
THING THAT
STRAIGHT PEOPLE

TELL THEMSELVES
THEY'RE IN SO
THEY CAN GET LAID,

AND THEN THEY
END UP HURTING
EACH OTHER,

BECAUSE IT WAS
ALL BASED ON LIES
TO BEGIN WITH.

[ Sniffling ]

IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT,

THEN GO AND FIND
YOURSELF A PRETTY,
LITTLE GIRL...

AND GET MARRIED.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.

I WANT YOU.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ME.
I'M TOO O...

YOU'RE TOO
YOUNG FOR ME.

YOU'RE 17.
I'M 28.

29.

ALL RIGHT. 29.

ALL THE MORE REASON.

NOW GO DO
YOUR HOMEWORK.

?? WELL I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

?? BUT IT'S OF HURT
I DREAM ??

[ Ignition of engine ]

?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

?? I COULD FORGET
THE LAUGHTER THERE ??

[ ?????? ]

?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

[ ?????? ]

?? COME ON ??

?? I WANNA HEAR IT ??

?? LET'S GET SOAKIN' WET ??