Quantum Leap (1989–1993): Season 4, Episode 21 - Stand Up - April 30, 1959 - full transcript

As part of a Catskills comedy act trio, Sam has to convince the other two members that they are in love while saving one of them from the mob.

Theorizing that one could time travel
within his own lifetime,

Dr. Sam Beckett stepped
into the Quantum Leap accelerator...

and vanished.

He awoke to find himself
trapped in the past,

facing mirror images
that were not his own...

and driven by an unknown force
to change history for the better.

His only guide on this journey is Al,
an observer from his own time,

who appears in the form of a hologram
that only Sam can see and hear.

And so, Dr. Beckett finds himself
leaping from life to life,

striving to put right
what once went wrong...

and hoping each time
that his next leap...

will be the leap home.

So, what did the cop say?

Probably said you should
get yourself a dayjob.

Hey, buddy. What did you do?

Escape from a home for
the comedically stunted,

or just the hopelessly stupid, huh?

Stay with me, will ya, Davey?

Uh, yeah.
Well, this-this cop said that...

- Yeah, he was haulin' you in.
- He was haulin' me in,

and-and I was...

- Naked.
- Naked.

And, uh...

You were...
You were holding the sheep.

And then you said...

"Oh, boy"?

Oh, boy, oh, boy. How do you like that,
ladies and gentlemen?

Davey's got a new routine,
and he forgot to tell me about it.

Thank goodness one of you
got a new routine.

Hey, buddy, you wanna come up here
and do a show by yourself?

I bet you do a lot of
stuff by yourself, huh?

Hey, who the hell do you think you are?

So, anyway, there I was,
standin' in the bushes, naked...

- Joey, please. Sit down. Sit down.
- Holdin' a sheep.

And this cop comes up
and he says to me,

"You know, you just can't
stand around like that."

And-And I said, "No, no, no.

"It's okay because,
you see, it's sheep season."

What'd he say?

See, I said, "No, it's okay,
it's sheep season."

Have you lost your mind?

Well, I get it.

- Sheep season!
- Oh, we're dead.

No, this is worse than death.

Maybe they should just throw dirt
on us so we know we're dead.

So, have you nice folks
drunk up your minimum yet?

It'd be worth it to leave early.

I had the same problem
with the police once...

- Not tonight. We've lost 'em.
- No, really. I was harassed by the police,

and all I was doin'
was walkin' my little poodle.

Look, uh, lady, this is
a professional act, okay?

- That's a matter of opinion.
- Look, buddy,

I got enough people up here
makin' fools of themselves.

You wanna be a jerk,
you do it on your own time, all right?

Yeah, my little poodle,
her name was Tis,

and, oh, she was the cutest
little teacup you ever did see.

Well, I let her off her leash
to use the, uh...

Well, to go to the, uh...
You know.

Out of nowhere
comes this big old black cat,

and it races by, and Tis...

takes off into the bushes,
right after her.

This is a sad story.

Yeah, well, I go into the bushes
lookin' for her.

Of course, though,
I wasn't, uh, naked.

- Well, you can't have everything.
- Yeah, or else you'd be gone.

Look, I'm warnin' you, okay?

So, let me ask you
this one question, though.

Did-Did you have
a sheep with you?

What are you talking about?

N-N-No, he's right.
I didn't have a sheep.

But I was just comin' out of those bushes,
right about the corner,

and I was callin' my dog,
when all of a sudden...

this policeman comes up to me,
and he grabs me,

and he arrests me,
and he hauls me in front of the judge.

- What for?
- For steppin' on his act.

N-N-No. For solicitin'
with the purpose of prostitution.

Well, it doesn't surprise me.

Well, it surprised me!
I mean, I wasn't.

I was just standin' on the corner, callin'
my dog, sayin', "Here, Tis. Here, Tis."

Oh, keep the girl. You creeps
need somethin' funny in the act.

That's it. I'll kill him.

- We're doin' a show here, okay?
- Who the hell do you think you are?

How 'bout a little respect, okay?
Who the hell do you think you are?

Thank you and good night!

All right, let's have a round of...
a round of applause...

for the comedy stylings
of Parker and MacKay...

and our own, uh,
Frankie, uh, Washarskie!

I don't get this. Why would you
pick tonight to come on stage with us?

- We were dyin' out there.
- You don't get this?

And you... You...

Obviously you were dying,
and that is why I went up on stage.

It was not the right moment.
You have no sense of comedic timing.

What the hell happened
to you out there?

- Uh, well...
- Yeah...

What was that fight, your impression
of Joe Louis on a bad night?

- I was saving you.
- Me?

I don't think you should have
tried to hit that guy.

I wouldn't have had to if you hadn't
have put the broad in the act.


- I thought she was pretty funny actually.
- I saved your butts.

Yeah, that was 'cause Davey
lost his timing.

Oh, yeah? Well,
what was your excuse for being a "smuck"?

Not even close.

Look, look. Uh, guys...

I think that you should just
keep your feathers out of Davey's nose...

and go back where
you belong... waitin' on tables.

I thought you were funny.

Oh, what difference
does that make? Mack hates me.

Well, from the looks of things,
Mack hates everybody.

I cannot go back to waiting
on tables. I just can't.

Look, I-I tell you what.

As soon as he calms down,

we'll all sit down and we'll
talk this whole thing through.

Oh, come on. You heard him.

I mean, he does not care
whether I am good or what.

I mean, all he cares about
is himself. God!

He is the most selfish,
self-centered egomaniac

I've ever had the misfortune
to meet in my life!

Now ask her what she really
thinks of the guy.

- How do you really feel about him?
- Oh, I'm crazy about him.

- I knew it.
- You're kidding.

No. I mean, you know Mack.
He can be so sweet.

When we first started going out,
he used to hold my chair...

and help me with my coat and light my
cigarette, and I don't even smoke.

And then you offered to give me a shot,
and he turns into a futz!


Look, you're
a very funny lady, Frankie,

and I don't think you should let Mack
or-or anybody else tell you different.

- You really think so?
- Yeah.

You can make me anytime...
Uh, laugh.

- Make me laugh, anytime.
- So you just dry your eyes...

and forget about waitin' on tables.

Tables? All you idiots can go
back to waiting on tables!

What kind of a stunt was
that with the customer?

No one swings on
a patron of mine!

This is Lou Collins,
the owner of the Cocono Club...

Mack was nervous about
trying me out in the act tonight.

Where you're on the payroll...

And where is that
idiot partner of yours?

- With your partner, MacKay.
- Oh, well...

- By the way, you're in the Poconos.
- You mean Mack.

What other idiot
partner have you got?

The Cocono in the Poconos.

I, uh...

And I'm not considering you,
because you deserve better.

Deserves better than what?

You don't get any better
than Parker and MacKay, buddy,

and you are damn lucky
to have us in this two-bit, rundown...

All right. Now look, Mack...

Sam, it's 1959,
and you're about to get fired.

- ...hole in the wall of a dive!
- You're fired!

- I'm fired.
- Thanks for the advance warning.

- You got all the warning you need.
- Not you...

- You can't fire me. I got a contract.
- Watch me. I'll do it again.

Wait a second.
Why don't we just talk about this, okay?

You're fired. How was that?

- Oh! Mack, no!
- Mack, no! Easy...

- Al, what am I gonna do?
- Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

'Cause in about five seconds,
Carlo DeGorio is gonna come up the stairs,

- and his guy is gonna say...
- Hey, meatheads!

Mr. DeGorio wants to talk to youse.

Mr. DeGorio, your son sang terrific
tonight. I mean, like father, like son.

How would you know?
You're back here yelling at the comics.

Sweetheart, why don't you go,
uh, powder your nose?

Ooh, I'd like to help her
powder her nose,

- and her chin, and her neck...
- Joey, please.

Mr. DeGorio says I should apologize
for funnin' with you out there.

Well, somebody ought to teach you
a little audience etiquette.

Come on, Mack.

Why don't you guys just curtail
your conversation for one moment?

The name's DeGorio,
Carlo DeGorio.

Of the Las Vegas Golden Sand.

- I'd like to make you an offer.
- Offer?

You'll like this part, Sam.

Two weeks at the
Golden Sand in Vegas.

- Oh.
- Vegas? The main showroom?

See how you do in the lounge first.

- They are not available.
- What?

- They, uh, work for me.
- You just fired us.

- Wait a second.
- I got a contract for another three weeks.

- You just fired us.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why don't you guys work out
the details between yourselves, okay?

And I'll see the three of you
in Vegas Friday.

What do you mean,
the three of us?

I mean I like the girl.
Got a problem with that?

- No problem.
- Good. I'll see you in Vegas.

And me and you,
we'll have dinner when you get there.

- Oh, I don't know.
- No problem.

Didn't think so.

No problem? No problem?
No prob... No problem?

You got a problem.
I got a contract.

You fired us!

You cannot tell that man
I'll have dinner with him.

- Who says I fired you?
- We say!

You're workin' for me,
you do whatever I say.

- Now just relax.
- It's your word against mine.

For you?
I thought we were partners.

Davey and I are partners. You?
You're a pain in the neck.

A pain in the neck?

And you're stuck here
for another three weeks.

Can it, Lou. You fired us.
We're goin' to Vegas.

The reason we're goin'
to Vegas is because of me.

I got a deal! Three weeks!

And I'll sue for breach.

Comics! I give 'em a shot
at bein' a star...

- You're on a real roller coaster here.
- What is goin' on here, Al?

Do you believe these people?
They're nuts.

And that guy DeGorio... I mean,
he's right out of some movie or somethin'.

Well, he's very well-connected
with the family,

and Ziggy says there's
a 90.5% chance...

that he's the reason that
the raging bull there disappears.

I hate it when you say "disappears."

- Well, he vanishes.
- Oh.

Uh, May 2, 1959, MacKay...
Macklyn MacKay...

vanishes right after Parker, MacKay and
Washarskie have their opening debut...

- Wait, wait.
- In the showroom in Las Vegas.

- Who's Washarskie?
- She's gotta change her name.

- What happens?
- I don't know. He was never seen again.

In Italian, we say he's probably
sleeping with the fishes.

But of course there's
no fishes in Las Vegas,

so he's probably sleepin'
with the scorpions...

or sleepin' with the centipedes
or rattlesnakes, coyotes...

Okay, I got the picture.

I can't listen to another word of this.

You have to listen to many,
many more words of this,

because we have to
work on our act.

- Act? What do you mean, act?
- Prairie dogs...

You're not part of my act.

Howdy, folks. This is Lucky Buck...

Sam, do you know
what the secret of comedy is?

- No, and I don't wanna know.
- The secret of comedy is...

- Al, I don't care.
- Timing.

How come you don't care?

- Because I'm not funny.
- You're not supposed to be funny.

- You're a scientist.
- Well, thank you for sharing that.

And if you tell me that you were a
stand-up, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... pow!

You can't pow. I'm a hologram.
And, no, I was never a stand-up.

- It's a miracle.
- Now listen.

You are the singing half
of a comedy team.

You got Davey's charts.

All you have to do is learn the
songs, and you fake the routines,

and then you save Mack
from whoever he's tickin' off,

and bingo, you leap out of it.

What else could possibly happen?

- I could not be funny.
- Well, we got Ziggy.

- Ziggy is not funny.
- I know.

But Ziggy has tapped into
the greatest comedy teams of all time.

Who's he got? "Live from Rome,
it's Nero, on the steps of the..."

No, no, no. We got Laurel and Hardy,
Abbott and Costello, Martin and Lewis,

- Burns and Allen... the best.
- Al, there are three of us, okay?

- The Three Stooges.
- That's not funny.

Besides, I don't know
Dave and Mack's routines.

That's okay.
They don't know 'em either.


According to Ziggy,
the reason they bombed...

was because Mack tried to
force Frankie into the duo

when he should have
created a trio.

Oh, I see. And someone in the
audience didn't think they were funny,

so they killed Mack.

- That makes a lot of sense.
- Ha, ha.

What makes sense?

Hey, isn't it my turn to drive yet?
I mean, what time is it?

- 0400.
- Oh, 4:00.

You've been drivin' for 10 hours?

Look, why don't we pull into,
uh, Gallup, whatever that is?

We'll have a cup of coffee.

Mack, you wanna come in
for some coffee? Mack?

Why don't we just let him sleep?

When I was waking up, I heard you say
something about Mack getting killed?

Oh, no, no, no. Mack?

No, no. I was just
saying to myself that...

that if Mack didn't help us work up
some new routines that include you,

that the audience
would kill him.

Us. Comic talk, you know.

No, Sam. The comic is
trying to kill the audience,

and if he can't do it,
he dies on stage. Get it?

You sit anywhere
your little hearts desire.

I'm gonna get you the best cup of coffee
this side of the Rio Grande.

- You know, you're right.
- About what?

Well, there's no way that I can
work into "Mr. Show Biz" or "Heroes."

Sure you can.
There are lots of women heroes.

- There's no reason why you couldn't...
- Okay, everybody. I'm here!

Let me get a shot of the room.
Hold still.

Let me get a picture of you.

Great. You just look at this in a minute,
and I bet I got you in it too.

Okay, coffee for everybody!
Put it on the big guy's check.

Oh, you know what? I have a question
for you. Is that your truck outside?

- Yeah.
- Really? The big red one,

with the beautiful lettering
that says Raymond's Refrigerating?


The one that's sitting in that
enormous puddle of milky brown stuff?

It's my ice cream!

Hold it, hold it.
I was just kiddin' with you.

That's a good way to get your heart started
in the mornin', ain't it, big guy?

You think you're funny?

She laughed.

Well, maybe it won't be so funny if you're
lookin' out of the other side of your face!

Listen, uh, you gotta excuse my brother.
He was just released from an asylum...

- The other side of my face?
- And he's not real good...


Dealin' with people right now,
but soon he'll be fine again.

You better lock him up.

I'd like to thank you
for your kind observation...

and let you know that we're doing
everything we can to restrain him.

Some people don't have
a sense of humor, you know?

You know, you might have
come up with something just now.

We could do a bit about me
escaping from an asylum.

- Why do you do that?
- Do what?

Why do you act like a geek
so Davey has to come and save you?

What am I supposed to do,
wait for you?

Oh, I suppose you think
that only men can be heroes.

Yes, I do.

You know, women are quite capable
of taking care of themselves.

But most of 'em
didn't even know that in '59.

We don't need you
to come running to our rescue.

Hey, that's very funny.

- Women can take care of themselves.
- Yeah, right.

Don't do that to me.

- Oh.
- I mean it, Mack. Stop it!

All right. All right. Now come on.

Why don't we just...

Why don't we just concentrate on what
we're gonna do on stage tomorrow night?

We are not doing
anything tomorrow night.

Parker and MacKay are
going on stage, okay?

- Uh, and Lane.
- Lane?

Well, you see, I like that
better than Washarskie.

- So do I.
- Women are not funny.

- What about Gracie Allen?
- She has George Burns.

- Elaine May.
- Mike Nichols.

- Lucille Ball.
- Desi Arnaz.

- Fanny Brice!
- Nicky Arnstein.

What? Well, I've got
Parker and MacKay.

N-O. Look. We don't need you.
We don't want you.

We don't even think we may want you.
And if we did, we wouldn't. Got it?

- No.
- Sam, you gotta make this work.

He's got only 32 hours and 23 minutes
before he makes his last performance.

Look, Mack.

DeGorio's not gonna let
us go on without her,

so we might as well
start thinkin'...

- about how to make this act a trio.
- Right!

Order up!

Okay, look. She gets five minutes
with us, but that's it.

Wait a minute. That is one bit.

I mean, I want at least three with you guys
and one by myself or I'm not gonna do it.

- You think you can blackmail me?
- Yes.

So why don't you just get down, okay?

Both of you. Now sit down and let's
start working on something, all right?

- Let's try and come up with somethin'.
- Good. Do a bit.

- Some kind of a bit, yeah.
- Uh, Steve Allen's "Man In The Street."

A bit about a man in the street.

- With Supergirl.
- Yes. With Supergirl.

You're a reporter.
You're interviewing people...

I'm a reporter,

I'm on the street and I'm interviewing
people, and today I bump into...

two super people... persons.

- This is nuts.
- You got a better idea?

- Give me a minute.
- No. Sit down.

Okay. Now listen to me.
Hi, I'm Dave Parker. Hi.

And I'm here today, your man
on the street, interviewing with...

Supergirl, yes.

- So, Supergirl, tell me...
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey. If you're gonna
do that weird crazy stuff,

you'd best give me my ketchup
and do it elsewhere.

Well, you did us a favor.
The coffee wasn't that great anyway.

Oh, yes it was.
The coffee was great.

Come on, Sam. Keep it goin'.
You gotta make this act work.

Hey, hey. This is Dave Parker here,
your man on the street,

and, uh, I'm here today,
chatting with...

- Oh. Supergirl!
- Supergirl. And?

- And I'm, uh, Superman.
- Aha!

So tell me,
you-you-you Supers, uh,

what's an average day
like for you guys?

Well, we usually like to start the day with
a big, heapin' bowl of Kryptonite cereal.


No, not Kryptonite.
That would kill 'em.

- Two points for the big fella.
- Uh, he-he's right.

- Well, not if we're super people.
- Ah, she's right.

Especially if you're super people.

Keep it goin'. Keep it goin'.
Keep it goin'.

Tell me this though.
How do super people, uh...

- Have.
- Ha-ha-have...

- Sex.
- Sex?

- Davey!
- Al!

You know, that's the way
my mind works.


You see that?
She can't handle it.

This is the real world, kid.

In the real world, grown-up people like
to hear about grown-up things like sex.

Oh, yeah? Well, if doing "smutz"
is what this act is all about,

you can just count me out.

- "Schmutz."
- I won't do it!

Yeah? Well, that's because
you can't do comedy.

If you were a real comedienne,
then anything you did would be funny.

And now I am supposed
to take a lesson...

from Mr. "I can't keep my
fist out of anybody's face

"'cause I'm so mad at the world"?

Mad at the world?

Is this because you want so
desperately to be funny, but can't?

You know what your problem is?
You hate women!

Oh, so now you're Sigmund Freud.

I'm not Sigmund Freud, but I am a comic.
Why won't you give me a shot?

Why are they doin' this, Al?

- They're in love.
- What?

Yeah, sure.
They're crazy about each other

but they haven't got a
clue how to handle it.

- No, no, no.
- Yes.

I had the same thing goin' with my sec...
second, third, fourth... my fourth wife.

Yeah. Oh, she drove me crazy.

Al, look at them.
They're gonna kill each other.

Now what am I gonna do?

Oh, I... I would take her and grab her
and kiss her real hard.

Oh, get out. I'm supposed to
get them to kiss each other?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- Get outta here. Look at them.

Let me do it!
That's what I'm saying!

I'm talking.
Would you listen to me, please?

- Kiss her real hard...
- They're never gonna kiss each other.

And then she would stop talking.

Kissing is the furthest thing
from their mind right now.

- She what? Oh. All right. All right.
- She would stare into my eyes.

So, I wanna ask you this one question:
How do super people kiss?

- What?
- Kiss.

- Kiss?
- Yes.

I wouldn't kiss her if she was
the last woman on Earth.

- You probably don't even know how to kiss.
- Oh, yeah?

Sure, she does.

Hey, no! Hey, wait a minute.
No, no, no. Not him.

Him! No, you're not supposed to ki...
He's supposed to kiss you.


Oh, so that's what
this is all about, huh?

No, it's not.

You want a little "Wham, bam, thank
you ma'am," you do it on your own time.

You slept with him, didn't you?
Not with me, but him you sleep with!

- What?
- Do something, Sam!

- Do something?
- Do something!

I did something.
It was the wrong thing.

I know it was the... Look. Look.
This is not how it was supposed to happen.

Yeah, I'll bet. Look.

Just lose the broad or get
yourself another partner, okay?

- What are you talkin' about?
- Mack!

We can't just...

Mack. Open the...

I don't believe that
you are so immature...

Get in the car.

Oh, thank you.
What a wonderful idea.

You're welcome. Get in the car.

Oh, boy.

We're gonna do the first two shows
at 9:30 and 11:30...

with the ring curtains closed.

Then at 2:00 and 4:00,

we're gonna open 'em up to the
pits to pull the customers in.

Then, uh, at 4:00 you can get in here
and run light and music cues with Charlie.

Okay, all right. Terrific.

Charlie's our, uh, stage manager.

Anything he can't do for
you, trust me, I can.

That's fine, Mr. DeGorio.
Thanks very much.

I'll fill in Mack
on the setup, okay?

Hey, you do that. And, sweetheart,
you look like you're starvin'.

What do you say
the two of us grab a little lunch?

- Well, I...
- No, no, no. I insist.

Tell you what.
We got a bunch of new, uh,

sketches that we're
gonna break in tonight.

Isn't it gonna be, uh, tough to rehearse
without Mr. MacKay?

Him? Well, see, he...

Yeah, you know... You know,
Mack has never been to Las Vegas before.

I-I saw him earlier. He-He's checkin' out
all these one-armed burglars.

- Bandits.
- That too.

- Do you, uh, gamble much?
- No, never touch the stuff, really.

- I was talkin' to Miss Washarskie.
- I'm sorry.

It's Turner. I changed it again.
No, I really haven't done much gambling.

Actually, I never learned how.

Then we're gonna have dinner
after the first show,

and I'm gonna give you a personal lesson
in how to roll the dice.

Well, I really should...

Have dinner with me tonight.
Good, that's settled.

That's a great idea.
Thanks for askin' us.

Listen, we gotta get to work or we're
never gonna be able to pay you back...

for the money that you spent on
bringin' us out here, you know?

Trust me.
You'll be able to pay me back.

And if you don't wanna sing
out of another orifice,

I suggest you don't join the young lady
and I for, uh, dinner tonight.

Got that? Understood?

Bring an appetite.

Why do I get the feeling that she's
gonna end up being the main course?

Why do I get the feeling that I'm
gonna be the main course?

Uh, don't-don't worry about him.
I-I'll think of something.

And what about Mack? He hasn't spoken
two words to us since last night.

I mean, what are we gonna do?

- I-I don't know.
- Well, you go on in less than seven hours.

Mack still dies.
We don't know how or when,

but the why has got
somethin' to do with DeGorio.

Maybe you should talk to him.

- Well, somebody better.
- Maybe he's just right about me,

and I should just go back to
the Cocono's in the Poconos,

forget about the whole thing.

- I love that cute rhyme.
- No.

Well, I'm breaking up the act.

No, you're not.
As a matter of fact, you're...

You're making the
act much better.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are. Now listen.

There have been a
whole lot of duos,

but there's never been
a successful trio.

- I don't know...
- We could be the first.

We will be the first,

if I can just figure out how
to make Mack understand...

that the reason he can't
stand you is... because...

- He's in love with you.
- He's in love with you.

- Love?
- But with Mack,

arguing is like the adult version
of pulling pigtails.

See, a lot of guys like Mack,
they kind of like, uh...

Well, they think that loving
and fighting are kind of the same.

- Yeah? Well, it's not for me.
- Me either.

Look, you said
you were crazy about him.

You... may have to teach him
how to love.

- But he's so angry.
- Yeah, well...

After six years of therapy,
he'll be fine.

Look, you, uh,
go back to your room, okay?

Get freshened up.

I'll find Mack.
We'll have a heart-to-heart.

Just make sure you're back
here for the 4:00 rehearsal.


Oh, and Davey?
Uh, don't tell Mack that I love him.

Oh, no. I'll...
I'll let you do that.


Okay. Okay, Dr. Jung. Huh?

You tell me what's wrong with Mack
since you know so much all of a sudden.

Okay. According to Ziggy,
uh, Mack has a pattern, see?

Whenever he gets close to success,
he changes the act.

Uh, it was Leonard and MacKay
in '55,

it was Bonner and MacKay in '56,
and now it's you.

- But, um...
- But, um?

The bottom line is,
Mack is afraid to get close.

- I thought you said he loved her.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. He does.

It's the Woody Allen theory.

Uh, "I don't like myself, so if you
like me, you must be a horrible person."

Or maybe that's the
Groucho Marx theory.

Am I missing something?

Uh, no. Mack is a little kid.

He needs... He wants attention,
but he can't handle being close,

so does all these crazy things
to get people to pay attention to him.

Which is why he got
into show business.


Then a woman like Frankie comes along...
He wants her. She wants him.

Right, right, right. So he...

He's afraid of her, so he starts
this huge fight to protect himself.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that keeps Frankie off
balance and keeps him in control.

Right. And out of a
relationship that could possibly

make him happy for
the rest of his life.

Mmm. Go to the head... of the class.

All right.
So I'm obviously here to make sure

that Mack and Frankie get
together, right?

Well, Ziggy says that
there's a 90% chance

that if you play Cupid
the act can be a success,

and Mack doesn't end up as plant food,
and you leap outta here.

- Okay. I'm gonna go find Mack.
- Okay.

It had been a long time since
I'd had a heart-to-heart with a friend,

especially over a woman.

The problem was, Mack wasn't a friend,

though there were moments...
brief moments... I liked him.

Frankie, on the other hand,

deserved a lot better treatment
than Mack knew how to give.

I couldn't help wondering whether
putting them together was for the best.

Got a second?

Hit me.

I would,
if I thought it'd do any good.

I got nothin' to say to you, Davey.
Hit me again.

W-W-Wait a second.
You don't want another card.

Why the hell not? Because you got 18.
He's probably got a face card.

Hit me.

- Bust.
- Don't you ever listen to anybody?

Yeah. Anybody who doesn't
stab me in the back.

Why don't you just admit it,
all right? You love her.

- Take a powder.
- You love her and you're afraid of her.

Why the hell would I
be afraid of a broad?

Because she's beautiful,
she's intelligent,

and she's not afraid
to stand up to you,

even though you act
like an ogre sometimes.

Just because she's got you
wearin' sheep for glasses

doesn't make her
tough or talented.

- Or beautiful.
- So she looks good.

Come on.
You're crazy about her, right?

You're nuts.

If I'm so crazy about her,
then how come we always fight

every time we're together
for more than five minutes?

Well, as far as I can tell,
it's because that's the only way

you know how to relate to a
woman you're attracted to.

- Yeah, well... She... You...
- Yeah?

Why the hell'd you
have to go and kiss her?

Actually, she kissed me.

Why'd she have to kiss you?

Because she was trying
to get your attention.

Oh, she got my attention.
Now everything's ruined.

Nothing is ruined.

Look, Frankie is the
kind of a person...

Mack... Look, Mack,
she knows how you feel about her.

What she doesn't get is why
you treat her like she's...

Like what?
Like I'm smart?

What happens if she finds
out I'm crazy about her, huh?

Then she-she'll go out with
me, and then...

Then we're really
gonna like each other,

and then we're gonna wanna
see each other all the time,

and then maybe we're gonna
end up gettin' married,

and having kids, and then...
And then we'll buy a house.

That's when the trouble
really starts, too,

'cause there'll be
fights over the bills,

then the anger and the hatred,
and then, bam, ends up in divorce.

The next thing you know,
we don't talk to each other ever again,

- and the kids...
- Mack,

why don't you start by
asking her out again?


Before you ruin your kids' life,
take the first step: Ask her out.

But not until we work everything
else out on the act tonight

before we go look
like nerds on stage.

Like what?

Never mind. Look, look. Let's just go
find Frankie and work on this thing.

Give ourselves a chance.
What do you say?

- Okay.
- All right. Come on. Let's go.

I, uh...
I came in here for a reason.

Hi! I'm Dave Parker,
your man on the street,

- and I'm here today with...
- Supergirl!

And I'm Superman.

So, uh, how do you
two superheroes have sex?

Um, vertically.

- Switch.
- Now walk.

- Now walk, walk, walk.
- Oh, that's good.

I like it. Yes, I like it.

- Yes.
- Ooh!

Go out. Get like somebody
in the audience. Yeah, that's it.

If Burl Ives married Milton
Berle, they'd be Burl Berle.

Why do you even bother thinking?

- Hey, it's no bother at all.
- Ha.

Why was Ben-Hur a her
if he was actually a him?

H-U-R not H-E-R.

There you go again,
moving your vowels on stage.

- I got one for you.
- Yes?

If you're still listening.

Okay. Okay, we open in 20 minutes.

- 9:30's your curtain.
- Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna take a
shower and stuff like that,

and I will see you
guys back here.

- Uh, Frankie? Um...
- Yeah?

I just wanted to tell you, I...
I thought you were...

You were really, really great
in that, uh, superhero sketch.

You did? Really?

Yeah. It just...
It needs a little...

Uh, you're gonna be...
No, you're gonna be great tonight.

Thank you, Mack.
That means a lot comin' from you.

Look, um... I, uh...
About what I said before, I just...

I wanted to tell you
that I'm-I'm sor...

Um, I'm s-s-sor...

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay.
I knew you didn't mean it.

- You did?
- Yeah, I did.

Frankie, um...

Look, I've been crazy about you ever since
the first time I saw you at Cocono's,

and-and I've been tryin' to find the words,
but every time I do, it just...

It's hard, 'cause I...
I can't. I stumble.

No, I know. Look, let's just...
start over.

Ah, I love happy endings.
Don't you?

- Let's leap outta here, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, if Macky and Frankie...

If they're all lovey-dovey and
everything's gonna be fine,

- the trio's gonna be a hit, then, uh...
- Yeah.

I should be leapin' now, right?

Yeah, I... I don't have a
good feeling about this.

Why not? What's goin' on?

- Well, I...
- What?

Kind of have the same feeling that
Pandora's mother must have had...


- When she opened the box.
- I have a little somethin' for you.

I'd like you to wear it when
I take you to dinner tonight.

And anything else you'd like
to wear under it is, of course, optional.

Well, here 'tis.
Come on, baby. Try it on.

- You son of a...
- No, Mack!

Easy, easy.
Mr. MacKay.

You just made
a very big career mistake.

You're just like every other woman
I've met in my whole life.

You're just... just a user.
Another damned user!

- Mack.
- Mack! Mack, I wasn't...

Sam, you changed history.
Now they don't go on tonight at all.

And Mack's body is found
in the desert...

in 1982.

And 1985. And 1989.

He's lizard food.

Why is this happening?

Because Mack's fuse
is shorter than his lifeline.

What am I gonna do?
Look, you gotta talk to him, okay?

You tell him you had
nothin' to do with DeGorio

and his cockamamie
dinner fantasy.

What if he doesn't listen to me?

He's in love with her.
He'll never listen.

You make him listen.
You tell him.

I'm gonna go find DeGorio and try
and straighten everything out.

But in the meantime, you make sure
that he's here for the show, okay?

Now get going. Go.
Go, go, go, go, go!

Okay. I'm gonna go back
and run some scenarios,

and maybe Ziggy
can piece together what happened.

Uh, no pun intended.

I'll see ya.

Mack! Mack! Come back.
I want to talk to you.

Just go away.

No, no, no, no, no.
Not until you listen to me.

I don't have to.
My eyes have seen the whole picture.

No. I love you, Mack.
Damn it!

I did not have any intention of going out
with DeGorio or anyone else.

I'm just not buyin' it, Frankie.

Why don't...

Why don't you and Davey just go
out there and make it work, okay?

I'm goin' on my own. I don't need him and
I definitely don't need you. All right?

Yes, you do.

I can make it on my own.

Okay. Okay, you have the talent...

and God knows you have the guts.

But... who you gonna
come home to, Mack?

I... I've... I've got... my plants.

Why are you always running away?

You think you understand me,
don't you?

You think you...

You think you know why I keep a safe
distance away from women like you.


Yeah? Well, you...
Well, you don't.

You don't understand this much
about what makes me tick.

Well, I think I understand
that when you were a little kid,

maybe those big muscle guy creeps...

used to pick on you and beat up on you
'cause you were a wimp.

And the only way that you could
protect yourself and save your butt...

was to make 'em laugh and be funny,

and God, you've been
doin' that for so long,

you couldn't stop if
you wanted to now, huh?

See? You don't know
anything about me.

Why don't you listen to her, Mack?

You don't understand, Davey.

I'll tell you what I understand...

that you're gonna throw away
your career...

and a chance at a great relationship
in one fell swoop.

And for what? For the...

For the chance to show
that everybody else is wrong?

What are you talkin' about?

It just seems to me
like you set everybody up to fail,

so that when things go wrong,
it's never your fault.

Don't destroy us
before we've had a chance.

You gotta trust somebody, Mack.
Trust me.

Okay, okay.
Enough of the mushy stuff.

Come on. We got a show to do.

- What about DeGorio?
- I'm not worried about him.

Well, you should
be worried about him,

'cause I don't know a whole lot
of dead comics with great careers goin'.

- He's not gonna kill me.
- Oh, yes, he is.

Ninety percent chance
he doesn't make it to the opening show.

- Where's your tux?
- It's in the dressing room.

But I gotta take a shower.

No, no. No showers.
We're not takin' any more chances.

Now you go get ready
and meet us backstage.

Well, I thought you were
gonna talk to DeGorio.

Well, nobody can find him.

His odds are going up, Sam. He still gets
killed, but the time frame is shifting.

Listen to me. I told his henchman
to meet us backstage between shows,

okay, and we'll talk peace.

Now just go get dressed,
all right? Hurry up.

Oh, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
So how do I look? And be honest.

Be totally honest,
'cause I think the beads are too much.

Will you just relax?
You look gorgeous.

- Sam, you gotta get outta here.
- We gotta do the show.

Okay, as soon as the
opening act is done.

DeGorio's gonna grab Mack.

Look, maybe we shouldn't go on.

I don't know who's more nervous,
Frankie or you.

Oh, no. Wait now. Now Ziggy...

Now Ziggy's sayin' that you
do have to go out and perform,

- because Darryl F. Zanuck...
- Huh?

Is in the audience,
and he's gonna sign you to a contract,

and then that's how
you meet your wife,

and you have three kids,
two girls and... Oh, boy.

- Darryl Zanuck?
- What?

Uh... Uh... Nothin;

Ladies and gentlemen,
a nice hand for Maria Rose!

Yes! Nice job, honey.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the luxurious lounge
here at the all new,

fabulous Las Vegas
Golden Sand Hotel...

is proud to present the comedy
of Parker, MacKay and Fields!

- Lets give 'em a warm welcome.
- Fields?

Oh. Well, I liked Fields the best.

Thank you. You're very, very
kind, and you're well-dressed.


Now how about takin' all that off?

I oughta belt you.

Well, you don't have to.
I got a cummerbund.

That's a nice look too. Did they
give you a set of bagpipes with that?

Yes, they're in my pants.

My brother was just released from
an asylum today, and before we...

Before I marry you,
I only thought it fair to...

show you our horrible family... tree.

Oh, Leonard, you poor man.

Uh... Uh, what a painful secret.

But you know,
your secret is safe with me.

It will never leave my lips.

Is something wrong, my dear?

Oh, no. It's just that those were,
uh, plastic grapes.

I love plastic grapes.

It's okay, you see,
because Arnold loves plastic.

I love anything plastic.

He... He loves anything plastic.

He really does. And I think...

that he really likes you too,
my dear.

I really like you.
I really, really like you.

We've been Parker...

And Fields!

Thank you.

The fabulous comedy stylings
of Parker, MacKay and Fields.

Let's bring 'em
out one more time,

with a big round of applause for
Parker, MacKay and Fields.

Ho! Yeah!

You can't do this.
I'm in the middle of a show.

Sam, they're snatchin' Mack!

Two big ugly guys with noses for faces!
Hurry up!

They're takin' him down the stairs!

All right.
Everybody hold it right there.

Now look, this ain't got nothin'
to do with you two.

This is between Mr. MacKay
and Mr. DeGorio.

So if you two would just get lost
and forget about this,

I'd be more than happy
to let you keep breathin'.

you're all gonna end up dead

unless you do something about
this right here and right now.

You know, killin' us
isn't gonna solve anything.

Who said anything
about killin' anybody?

Oh, so you brought the terminator
and his evil twin as an escort service?

Look, if we could just have a
conversation with Mr. DeGorio,

I'm sure we could
work all this out.

And, uh, what makes you
so sure of that?

Joey, it's not too bright
to shoot off a gun in the club.

Mr. DeGorio, if you kill Mack tonight,

sooner or later someone
is gonna report him missing,

and then everybody's
gonna know it was you.

Missing and dead are very different
things, Mr. Parker. And no body...

means no charges.

He's right, Sam.
Hassles, but no charges.

Yeah, but don't you see that...

none of this would've
happened at all if-if...

if you... if you...

- Me?
- Yeah.

Be careful.
This is a life and death situation.

Yeah, if you had-hadn't
come on to...

Mack's fiancée.

Whoa. What was that?

Um... That's right, Mr. DeGorio.

See, that's why I didn't wanna
go out with you, because...

because Mack and I are...


Yeah, we're very, very engaged.

Well, why didn't anybody tell me
these two were engaged?

Frankie, sweetheart,

I wish you the best.

MacKay... Don't ever hit me again.
Now come here.

We're gonna have the
wedding at this club, on me.

I'm gonna take you
down the aisle.

We're gonna have a band, a party...
Joey, I love weddings!

Well, you did it, Sam, and, uh...
You got somethin' on your face.


Frankie and Mack go on
as MacKay and MacKay

and they have a successful
nightclub career.

They even have a couple of
Broadway hits that they write.

Then they... They move to Connecticut,
and, uh, they're still married today.

What-What are... What are...
What are you gonna do with that pie?

Sam? Sam?

What are you thinkin' of do-do-doin'
with that pie, Sam? Now, come on.

Sam, what are you...
What are you...

What are you gonna do with that pie, Sam?
You wouldn't...


Say good night, Gracie.

Hey, sailor.

The ocean makes me feel so sexy.

Oh, boy.