QI (2003–…): Season 19, Episode 9 - 'S' Animals - full transcript

Applause and cheering

Hello and welcome to qi.

Tonight we are on safari,

scouring swamp and Savannah
alike for species starting with s.

And look what we found already!

A snake in the grass
- Josh widdicombe.

Applause

the seal of approval
- cally beaton.

Applause

the squid pro quo
- jamali maddix.

Applause



and he doesn't give a
shih tzu - Alan Davies.

Applause

let's hear their calls
of the wild. Josh goes...

Seal barks

cally goes...

Sheep bleats

jamali goes...

Seagull cries

seagull continues

wow.

Alan goes...

Crunching

oh, supposed to be a snail.

Laughter



right. What's the world's
second deadliest hunter?

Good one. Seal barks

laughing: Honestly sounds
like you've got terrible asthma,

which of course you do
have. Which I do have.

What was the question?

What is the world's
second deadliest hunter?

I can tell you what the first
is, if that's helpful to you.

Yeah, what is the first, then?

Ok, so we did it on the o series
- the highest kill rate in nature.

It has a 95% success rate.

Is it an ostrich? No. Ostrich?!

Otter. It's otter.

Notoriously dangerous,
ostriches. Is it an okapi? No.

Weirdly, it doesn't even
begin with o. Octopus.

Jamali: Hippo?
No. Is it a mosquito?

It's a dragonfly. Oh,
jeez. It's a dragonfly.

If I went through all animals...

It's good, though, to
get a list going there.

I like that. Hippo is very
dangerous. Very... yeah, yeah.

Thank you for telling me
that - like, I don't feel silly.

Yeah. No, it's a good answer
but it's not the right one.

Weird thing about hippos is
that they are tremendous killers,

but they're vegetarian.
Josh: Like me.

That is really hiding
in plain sight, isn't it?

I'm a killer. I'm a
killer. Vegetarian.

Vegetarian, did you know?

I wouldn't be surprised if
you turned into a serial killer,

darling. You look so weak
from being a vegetarian.

No, it's the asthma that's made
me weak. Oh, is that what it is?

They're going in
hard on your health.

It'll be awful, won't it, if I
don't make it to broadcast?

Yeah. Wow.

Right. Any more?
Dragonfly, that's the first one.

Hunters. Bird of prey?

It's the dwarf seahorse.

Of course, a dwarf
seahorse. I know!

Only about two inches large.

Kill 90% of the time that
they try to catch some prey.

Most fish of a similar size,

they have about a 30-40%
success rate, and there doesn't seem

to be a marine predator
with a better success rate.

They hunt something
called copepods,

so they're tiny
little crustaceans,

which are usually
excellent at escaping

because they can swim more than
500 body lengths per second, right?

That's the equivalent of me
swimming at 2,700 kilometres per hour,

as opposed to
what I actually do,

which is look like the queen
Mary coming slowly into port.

They also have some of
the fastest reactions in nature.

So dwarf seahorses, some of
the slowest swimmers in the world,

top speed about
five foot an hour.

Is that up or down? In the aquarium
they're in a tube, aren't they?

Yeah. But they can do anything
- up, down, sideways, whatever.

Can they? They're amazing.

They're just going to have
sandi doing that on a gif.

Key to their hunting success

is their sort of horsey
heads and, what it does,

it allows them to
sneak up on their prey.

So copepods know that there's
a predator because they sense

the disturbance in the water.

But the seahorse's head perfectly
is formed to create no wake

immediately above
and in front of the nose.

And they sort of sidle
up. They're like ninjas.

They sidle up to the copepod,

and it doesn't even notice, and
they can be like a millimetre away,

and then the head snaps up and
the same time they suck inwards

and they swallow the creature.

We can show you a video of this.

It looks so casual.

Just casually going along

and there's the... oh! What?

Yeah. Jamali: So you say
that little thing can't see it?

Cos I think I'd see
a seahorse coming.

He's coming up from
behind. I think you might...

Yeah, even from behind, I'd
be like, "is that a seahorse?"

Seems unfair.

Seems like someone should be
behind with some coconuts going...

He clip-clops

shut up! I'm hunting the tiny...

This bug. They have terrific
eyesight, which also helps them.

I'd like this. Their eyes
move independently.

Of each other? Of
each other. Oh! Yeah.

So one can look forwards
and one can look backwards.

That's like my
great-auntie Joan.

She was one of the great
hunters, as well, wasn't she?

The stories in our family!

An adult seahorse needs
about 30 to 50 meals a day.

Is it cos it's eating
the little things?

Yes, cos it's too small,
darling, frankly, isn't it?

Why don't they eat something bigger?
I don't know what's wrong with them.

Cos I think to be, like, the
second most deadliest thing,

it should expand a bit.

Yeah. Cos when you said the
second most deadliest thing,

I'm a little bit disappointed.

Are you? Josh: I agree.

Cos basically what they've
done is they've chosen

to keep their stats up. Yeah.

They're like a boxer that
won't fight the big boxers,

- aren't they?
- Exactly.

They are just going for
the little guy, I'm afraid.

But they are
extraordinary swimmers.

The trouble is that
it takes a lot of effort.

They have to beat that dorsal fin
30 to 70 times per second in order

to propel themselves along.

And if they are in a
stormy sea or whatever,

they can easily
die of exhaustion.

The males have the
babies, don't they? They do.

They're unique in that males
are the ones that give birth.

But what I like about them, cally,
they are sickeningly romantic.

Are they? Oh, once they've chosen
a mate for the breeding season,

they come together each morning

and they perform
the courtship dance,

which apparently
strengthens their bond.

And then they travel around
with their tails entwined.

Little notes of poetry?

Yes.

And then they change
colour as they go.

They can mimic their surroundings
by changing their colour,

but they also do it as
part of the courtship dance.

I think it's lovely. And then,
as you said, the male gives birth

to the young, up
to 2,000 of them,

and then the offspring...
Look at the offspring.

You'd think they'd eat
one of those in a heartbeat.

They're left to
fend for themselves.

And then within a few hours,
they're ready to mate again.

And then they don't visit?

There's no child care. Be great
if humans did that, wouldn't it?

You'd be like, "there you go..."

No home schooling
of the seahorses.

You said they're very romantic
just for the mating season, though.

Cos anyone could be romantic for
the mating season, couldn't they?

It's like when you've
got to do years of mating.

One might be gripping incredibly
hard against the other one's will.

Saying, "you're not going away."

That looks quite passive aggressive,
those two. They've had an argument.

The sea's slowest swimmer
is also its deadliest predator.

What's all legs are no trousers,
or anything else very much?

Oh. Sheep bleats

it sounds like my
daughter on Instagram.

My teenage daughter.

A lot of legs and no trousers.

They do a lot of that,
don't they? Posing. Yeah.

Jamali's nodding, like...
Yeah, no, no, I'm not...

Yeah, no, I've heard. Have you?

Not about my daughter.

I've heard that there are
women posing on Instagram.

I've never investigated.

I don't even have Instagram.
Whatever. Be quiet. No.

Sea spider. Sea
spider. Sea spider.

They are almost all leg.

Look at these. They are
sometimes known as nobodies.

I mean, they do
actually have bodies

and they have a brain
and a mouth and so on.

They suck their prey through
a proboscis, but the guts

are in the legs, the
genitals are in the legs,

they breathe through
their legs, and the males -

this is again unusual -
look after fertilised eggs

by strapping them to their legs.

There they are. Like that.

The main problem is that
they have such long legs,

and I sympathise with this.

Yeah. I do.

I've had this happen
to me at the seaside.

Sometimes barnacles and
algae attach themselves.

That slows you right down.

I've got short legs.

Yeah. I genuinely have never
as an adult had a pair of trousers

that I haven't had to take up.

Yeah, but what you can do is
cut that off and make a jacket.

Let's have a quick look
at the way they walk.

The interesting thing
is, as they're walking,

their way of breathing, they're
absorbing oxygen from sea water,

which is sucked in
through holes in the legs.

It is actually quite
inefficient, but in, for example,

high oxygen, freezing waters of
the antarctic, works well enough.

There doesn't seem to be much going
for them cos you said even their way

of getting the water
in is not very effective.

These animals you've shown
me, they're both a bit crap, innit?

You wouldn't want
to be one of those.

I wouldn't want to be them
or even look at them, really.

You know, I prefer a staff
or something. That's just...

My favourite double-s
underwater animal -

sea slugs, also
known as nudibranchs.

Is that them? Yes. I think
they're rather marvellous.

There's over 3,000 different
species and they have wonderful

names like sea clown,
shaggy mouse, the wet lemon,

the white spotted sea
goddess, the hunchback Doris.

The one on the right there
is called the blue angel,

and the next one along
is the yellow nudibranch.

Then you get
costasiella, the green one

and finally the
clown nudibranch.

I think they're rather
beautiful, don't you?

And they're the same thing?

There's over 3,000 different
species, the same type of animal.

Can they breed with each other?

Can, like, the blue angel
mess with the...? No.

You mean like taking
a cocker spaniel

and a poodle and making a dog?

Yeah. No, I don't think
that would work out at all.

What the blue angel can
do, the one on the right,

it can eat the stinging cells
from Portuguese man-of-war

and store the venom
for its own use.

And just touching one
could result in a sting from it.

That's recycling, isn't it?

Check out this next
one, the green sea slug.

It is one of the only animals to
get its food from photosynthesis,

so exactly like plants,

and it does it by consuming algae
and then stealing its chloroplasts,

that's the cell parts that are
responsible for photosynthesis,

and making them
work for it instead.

So, honestly, it can eat
simply by lying out in the sun.

Are you sure it's
not just a leaf?

If it looks like a leaf to
me and you're telling...

You're just explaining a leaf.

Josh: This is the
initiation on qi.

Things are rarely as they seem.

How big's that
then? An inch or two.

Yeah. Alan was like,
"two inches." Like, no.

Describe a new way snakes
have found to get about.

Seal barks yes, my darling?

Is it one of those
motorised scooters?

I think they... shouldn't be
allowed on the pavement,

if you ask me, sandi. Yes!
At the age I've reached,

I go, "look at that! And if
he hit me, he's not insured!"

Too right!

Yes. They are snakes,
the people on them.

I'll tell you that for free.

They have no lights. No
lights. No lights, no manners.

Have you ever been
on one? No, is it...?

- I would love to go on one.
- I ride them through

the shopping centre
with a gang of other kids.

Stealing fruit. We
have a great time.

I want to be friends with you.
You make me look more modern.

- Yeah.
- Wow. Cheers, mate.

They go... snakes go quickly

if you if you pee on them.

I mean... you'd have to
be confident, wouldn't you?

I'd say same with humans.

I was in yosemite and I went
quietly off the roads to do a pee,

and I went down the slope
and then I peed on a snake

and it came haring
out. Do they hare?

And then I ran up the slope and I
was naked from here to my knees

cos I haven't pulled
everything back up

and there was a coach
load of Japanese tourists.

But, yeah, it didn't
like being peed on.

It almost looked like it
went in a straight line.

You know, they normally do that.

Well, they move in
lots of different ways.

It seemed like it went
off like a rocket. It can do.

It's called rectilinear
movement.

It's been ages since I had an
erecto-linear movement in yosemite.

So there was an issue on the
island of Guam with snakes,

particularly the brown snake,

and in 2016, the conservationists
were having a look to see

how they could prevent them
getting to birds' nesting boxes.

So they placed a camera
next to a nest of mice at the top

of an eight-inch-wide metal pole

in an enclosure that
held 58 snakes. Ok?

And when they
viewed the footage...

And nobody knew
this was a possibility.

..They saw a snake wind its
tail around the pole and hold on

to the other end of
the body to form a loop

and then inch its
way up the pole.

And it is called
lasso locomotion.

Let's take a look.

I have to say there are lots
of different techniques for it.

It's like
stringfellows, isn't it?

Takes you back.

Speak for yourself, sandi!

Well, I... I needed the work.

But look at that.

You must like these. Are
these good? They're cool.

I'm just curious. Yeah.

I don't know if it's, like,
is that like a new evolution

or is that something
they've done forever

and we've just noticed now?
It's probably the fact they've

been doing it for a very long time
and we've only recently observed it.

They now think this is
the fifth way of moving.

So typically there's
the slithering,

then there's what's called side
winding, then there's concertina

and then rectilinear,
and then this one now,

the new lasso locomotion.

You get flying
snakes, don't you?

The reason I know this
is my son's a zookeeper

and I know about... I
know about animals.

I've got a bit of
news for you, cally.

Your son is taking
the piss out of you.

Look out, mum!
It's a flying snake!

Yeah, they jump and glide
through the air. Yeah. Correct.

They just fall out of trees
and call it flying. Maybe.

Is there a particular animal
that he's interested in?

He's doing research on
the slow loris. Ok. Which is?

Not quick.

I'm glad you've
been paying attention.

It's the only venomous
primate. There it is, the slow loris.

Aw... oh, it looks
so cute, doesn't it?

Sizing you up to kill you.

Just like a dwarf seahorse.

Like Josh.

It is like you without
your glasses on, isn't it?

That's so sweet. Oh!

I'd say the glasses isn't the
only difference, but, yeah.

That is cute, isn't it?

Yeah, it's all right. You're
a tough crowd for animals.

I'm joking. I love animals.
I like... yeah, I like snakes.

I remember when I grew up,
there was always a guy on the estate

who had snakes and your mum
never wanted you to hang out with him.

You sure they were snakes?
Cos he was like a weird guy.

Well, the brown tree snake
is a serious problem in Guam.

They probably arrived on cargo
or military ships during world war ii

and it has decimated
the bird population.

It's wiped out
ten native species

and that, in turn,
decimated the island's trees

because they relied on
the birds to spread the seeds

and new tree growth fell
by 90% as the birds died out.

Why don't they bring a mongoose
and let off a bunch of mongoose

to then deal with the brown snakes?
Then you'll have a mongoose problem.

Then you bring something
for the mongoose.

It's just the chain of
events that never ends.

Then you bring the seahorse in
and it takes out the mongoose.

What they do now, when they've
got a pole with a nesting box on it,

they put a cone.

They put the narrowest
point of the cone facing down.

A sign saying, "no
snakes." No snakes, yes.

But if there's a wider
part of the cone, like that,

the snake has to let go,
it makes it fall off the pole.

The good news is they're not
especially good at lasso locomotion.

It often takes them a couple
of hours to cover ten feet,

and they're a bit slow,
they slip back down again.

Idiots. Yeah.

Oh, I've got another
type of movement.

This, you're going to love.

The chihuahuan hook-nosed snake

farts defensively
when it is threatened.

It's technically called
cloacal popping, ok?

So they expel air
from their cloaca.

They have one hole for
reproduction, for digestion,

so it's all one hole at the bottom,
and it makes an audible noise,

and sometimes they do it
so aggressively, this farting,

that it lifts them into the air.

Oh, wow! I've dated
people like that.

It's awful. That's
a power, isn't it?

Isn't that a skill? To be able
to lift yourself up with your fart!

See, these are
animals I wanted to see.

Ok. Is it true that...

Talking of snakes' genitals.

Is it true that a male snake
has two penises, or peni?

I just thought I'd
throw that out there.

Which would you prefer -
two heads or two penises?

Two penises. Ok.

What about you, jamali?
Two penises. Two penises.

Not next to one another.

Josh: Not next to one another!

I'd have one in
the regular place

and one on one...
On my left hand.

Instead of a finger?
Instead of a finger.

I'd always wear a glove.

Why does he wear a
glove? He's got a cock hand.

I think I'd have
four other fingers,

I don't think I'd just
have the cock. No, no.

Just pull the glove off. Yeah.

You wouldn't want to
look weird, would you? No.

Would it always be like that or
would it sometimes be like that?

Sometimes be like that. Ok.

Awkward, though, wouldn't it?

When you couldn't
stop your finger.

Like an umpire.

I'm sorry I brought
it up, sandi.

Whereas a second head,
what is the point of that?

Well, you wouldn't be lonely. Oh,
you could talk amongst yourself.

Yeah. Would we have
different personalities?

Oh, imagine. One
leave, one remain.

You've an anti-vaxxer on your...

"They're trying to
trace your every move.

"It's all a hoax."

If you had two penises,
if you did... yes?

..It would be a
pair of hemipenes.

Is there anyone that
has more than two?

Phillip Schofield.

He mouths

right. Moving on!

What's the damn
problem with salmon?

Is it that ageing rockers
have... Farm them, don't they?

Like Roger daltrey and the
edge and Jethro tull does it.

Are they now salmon farmers?

Well, they've got... they're
fish farmers. Yeah. Really?

So here's the thing
about Atlantic salmon.

They swim 6,000 miles to return
to the waters where they were born

in order that they can then
spawn the next generation.

And quite often dams block the
path and they have found a solution.

It's called the salmon Cannon,

and it looks like so much fun,

you'd want to be a
salmon. Have a look at this.

But look. There they are.
Oh, that is... shooting through.

No! Isn't that fantastic?

Jamali: That is fun.

And then out - boom.

I mean... it's like when you
get the bowling ball back.

I love that. Fish-friendly
pneumatic tubes

and they use changes in air
pressure to move the fish along.

There used to be, before
they had the salmon Cannon,

there used to be fish ladders.

Anybody ever seen a fish ladder?

So the idea is that the
pools are on different levels

so that the salmon can jump
from one to another, and it's a bit

like climbing a
watery set of steps.

I mean, the effectiveness of
these ladders is questionable.

Although I have seen
the salmon jumping

and it is a marvellous thing.

But some species,
like the American shad,

only about 3% make
it actually across,

so they're not all
that successful.

Looks like it took a lot of
time to make that fish ladder,

and then it just doesn't work.

Yeah, it's a shame. A
little bit like... you know.

Yeah. But I love the idea of
it. But salmon are amazing.

They can trace their way hundreds
of miles back upriver in order

to find out where it was
that they first spawned.

Something else that travels
a long way for sex is an eel.

Does anybody know
how eels have sex?

Is it one of those things
where they do something

and then smear something on
something and then put it somewhere?

Wow.

I mean... Josh: Do you
write mills & Boon?

The answer is we have no idea.

We have absolutely no idea.

It is one of the great
mysteries. They're secretive.

They are incredibly
secretive and the mystery of it

is what happens
in the sargasso sea,

which is a body of
water in the Atlantic.

It's believed that this is where
both the European and the American

eels breed because it's
the only place you find

young larvae of both species.

But nobody has ever found an
eel egg there or any adult eels,

and no-one has ever
witnessed eel mating.

It is just a mystery, and the
other mystery is how the American

and the European larvae,
all mixed in together,

know which one
should go off to america

and which one should
go off to Europe.

We just don't know how they find
their way thousands of kilometres

back, many decades later, in
order to spawn in this one place.

Sigmund Freud was
fascinated by this.

He once dissected 400
male eels, looking for testicles.

And we now know that they only grow
gonads when they need to procreate.

So it's in the last year...
After a couple of hundred...

Sigmund, here's another
box of eels, but really...

On his deathbed in 1874, the
German biologist Max schulze

said all the important
questions have been settled

except the eel problem.

Anyway, what would you
use a thunder stone for?

You should have one beside
you. This is a thunder stone.

What do you think? It
looks a bit fossily, my one.

It is fossily. It looks
like a sourdough bread.

It does look a bit like
a sourdough bread.

That's actually how
middle class I've become.

"Looks like sourdough bread!"

What happened to me?

Did you see jamali on
qi going on about bread?!

I can never go back
to where I came from.

Even the man who keeps snakes
near you doesn't want to talk to you.

"Don't go round his house,
he's weird." That's the snake guy.

Fossilised sea urchins.

They were thought by scandinavians
to have been forged from thunder

and found when
lightning had struck

and, as people
believed that lightning

would never strike in
the same place twice,

you would keep one in your
house to protect yourself.

But it is, in fact, a
fossilised sea urchin.

Cool. And also,
because it's scandinavia,

keep the trolls away, stop
your horses getting nightmares,

look after your milk if you
put one on the shelf in the dairy

to keep the milk
fresh and so on.

Was the horse nightmare...
Was that a big thing?

The horse is so
important to you,

I suppose you just don't
want anything to happen to it.

Do you not think? It's a
shame that the horse can't hunt

in total silence. Like a
seahorse. Like a seahorse.

Yeah. Imagine you've got a cat.

I mean, if they ate
cats, and only cats,

and no-one could stop them.

We can all dream, Alan.

You can't hear them...

The word in Norwegian
for a sea urchin.

Alan yowls

that was a cat.
There's a horse here.

It can't be the horse.

The word for sea urchin
in Norwegian is krakeballe.

Alan snorts like a horse, burps

it literally translates
as crow's balls.

Our word comes of the fact that
urchin used to be a medieval word

for a hedgehog. That's why
we call them sea urchins.

World's longest-living
animals, as far as we know -

some of them live to be up to
200. Here's an interesting thing.

They use their spines to walk,
as well as to scare off potential

predators, and between the
spines they have stalks topped -

this is quite frightening
- with jaws that bite. Ok?

They're called pedicellariae
and they're used to be thought

as parasites cos it looks
as though they're entirely

independent of the sea urchin.

And there's one that can send
a sort of defensive cloud out

of hundreds of these, like tiny
little jaws going like this, ok?

And they have muscles and
receptors that respond to stimulus

and they continue to bite
and release venom even

when they're no longer
attached to the sea urchin's body.

Don't you think
that's terrifying?

Like an old man's dentures by the
bed. Exactly. Just coming after you.

It's like something
out of a movie, isn't it?

Being able to send jaws out.

What would you
like - second cock

or venomous fingers?

We've all heard about
being as drunk as a skunk.

But what happens when
you're as drunk as a sheep?

Once when I was out
running on a cornish clifftop,

there was a sheep and it had
capsized and it was on its back.

They can't get up.
No, they can't get up.

Did you get it up?

Just went through its pockets.

It's to do with old descriptions
of people being drunk.

So there was a satirist
called Thomas nashe and

in 1592 he published a
pamphlet called Pierce penniless

and it had eight different kinds
of drunkard. So here they are.

Sheep drunk. What do you reckon?

So sheep, they're quite kind of...
Following other people around?

A group of drunks? Quiet.

Yeah, it's incoherent.

It's when you simply can't remember
what word it is you want to use.

Yeah. Swine drunk?

That's a nasty drunk.

Yeah, you become belligerent.

Lazy, sort of heavy, lumpish.

Ape drunk?

Climbing a tree,
won't come down.

You know those people who
leap about and sing and dance.

Oh. There's always a drunk
that you can't get out the tree.

Come down! Lion drunk?

You get brave, bold.
Aggressive. Aggressive.

Josh: That's the worst, I think.

Fox drunk.

Sly. Sneaky.
Exactly right. Crafty.

Untrustworthy. Goes
and eats chickens. Yeah.

Martin drunk is somebody
who keeps on drinking.

Named after any
particular Martin?

Yeah. He came out with seven
animals and he had a mate called Martin.

Won't shut up.

Let's be honest, he didn't
care about the animal bit.

The whole thing was so
that he could do the Martin.

Yeah. I'll show you, Martin.
Won't buy a round - Martin drunk.

Yeah. In 170 years, they'll be on
TV taking the piss out of you, Martin.

What about goat
drunk? Eat anything.

Some people will eat
anything when they're drunk.

And one of those
is a goat. It's lechery.

Is it? Goats are lecherous?

Yeah, apparently so.

And what about
maudlin drunk? Maudlin.

Yes, literally just
maudlin. Yeah, absolutely.

I hit about four of those at
different stages of the evening.

I'm ape early doors, I think,

but by the end I'm maudlin.

But I'd like to be clear,
I'm never goat. Good. Ok.

The English language has at
least 3,000 words for being drunk.

They include ramsquaddled,

tight as a tick,

been too free with sir Richard.

Oh! Yeah.

We don't really
know what that is.

It might be alliterative. It might
be Richard rum, for example.

Or possibly it could be a phrase

coined by the great
Benjamin Franklin,

a tribute to the spectator
publisher sir Richard Steele,

who famously liked to drink.

Benjamin Franklin kept a
dictionary of words for drunk.

He had over 200 of them.

He published it in the
Pennsylvania gazette in 1737.

As dizzy as goose.

Drunk as a
wheelbarrow, I quite like.

Been to France.

Been at war with his brains.

Seen a flock of moons.

I like that one.

Anybody got a favourite
word for being one over the...?

One over the eight -
there's another one.

Twatted. Twatted!

Charged. Charged,
oh, that's quite sweet.

Charged. Charged.

Yeah, it's Jamaican.
Charge. Is it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'm just trying what I say.

Wankered. Squiffy.

I've got no time for squiffy.

I think that might be
a west country thing,

bit squiffy on snakebite.

Do you think we got
squiffy? Yeah, maybe.

Jamali: Snakebite,
that's a good drink.

What is that? Basically, it's

part cider, part beer
and blackcurrant juice,

but it sends you mad. Does
it? They won't sell it to you.

So when I go out I ask for it
and they go, "we can't mix it,"

so I ask for it separately.
Then you mix it yourself.

Yeah, but then the
person behind the bar goes,

"I know what you're
doing with that."

Which of your friends is
ordering the straight blackcurrant?

Right, moving on.

Which silent saboteur
scuppered the Spanish armada?

It's an animal beginning with s.

Sheep, sausage dogs, skunk...

A sloth. Slow loris.

Sloths, a slow loris,

snake... salamander. Snail.

Ships, something
to do with ships.

Ship ticks? Ship
ticks. Ship ticks.

Like a tick but on
a ship - ship tick.

Oh, I like that. Kind of. Yeah.

Kind of in a funny sort of way.

It's shipworm.

That's not a thing.

I'm not going to lie, I
was never going to get it.

It's woodworm of the sea.

It's a type of mollusc.

It's kind of clam. It's not
actually a worm really at all.

And it loves to eat wooden ships
and it was partly responsible for

the defeat of the
Spanish armada.

Here is a picture,
and they are amazing.

Basically, there are a pair of
very small shells at one end

with which they can
drill the passage, ok?

And also, because they open them
like this, they can stop the passage

that they're drilling
falling in on themselves.

And the reason this is really
important is that the great engineer

brunel looked at shipworms
and how they were working,

and that is how he
created the tunnelling device

with which he made the very
first tunnel under a navigable river

under the thames. And
it was the shipworms

that enabled that to happen.

Do you not think that's amazing?
They infested all four ships

on Columbus' fourth voyage,

Drake's golden hind,
cook's endeavour.

They all had holes frankly like
sponges because of the shipworms.

But they did help defeat the Spanish
armada because they weakened

the structure of the larger and
more powerful Spanish ships

and made them vulnerable to
storms and to cannonballs and so on,

and they're possibly more
responsible for the Spanish defeat

than either the weather
or indeed the English Navy.

Don't you think it's
amazing to be an engineer

and have a look at how a
creature is working and think...

Very clever chap, brunel.

I know. Not like Freud and
those eels. I know, he had no idea.

Get nowhere. No, brunel... could
not find a go-mad for love nor money.

Imagine brunel with Freud.
Brunel's like... "What are you doing?"

Brunel's like, "let
me deal with this."

"You're not thinking
this at all, are you?"

"You're learning nothing
from every dissection. Nothing.

"Stop. Walk away.
Have another idea.

"Look at another creature."

But even today, they cause an
estimated billion pounds' worth

of damage every year.

I mean, in modern terms,
they can be considered

the great recyclers of the sea
because they process a resource

that most animals
cannot eat - wood.

What do they eat if
there's no wood, though?

No, that's it. That's their
diet. That's their whole diet.

That's the whole diet. And it was a
problem for them when copper bottoms

came into shipping, when they
discovered that it was possible

to kind of copper-bottom
the whole thing.

I mean, the thing... there's
an old copper bottomed boat...

That's my username on tinder.

What, old copper
bottom? Old copper bottom.

Shipworms are also eaten by
some people in the Philippines.

It's called tamilok.

They marinate it with
vinegar or lime juice,

chopped chilli
peppers and onions.

I'll stick to that
top bit, I reckon.

Do you think? Jamali: That
green stuff? Yeah, the green...

Cos even, like, even what they
marinate it with sounds nasty.

Didn't David Attenborough say we
all should be or will be eating insects?

Oh, he says a lot of
mad shit, though, innit?

He'll say anything.

God, he's always just saying
something crazy and we've got to go,

"oh..!" no, we're not. Are you
dissing David Attenborough?

That's a bold move. Listen,
I do what I say, what I say.

If... if David Attenborough wants
some, he knows where to find me.

Jamali's trying to win his
audience back after sourdough-gate.

Yeah, I know.

David Attenborough spends
all his time at home now

caring for his snakes. Yeah.

He doesn't want to be
disturbed. No. "Leave me alone."

Now, what happens if you
feed alka-seltzer to a seagull?

Go, jamali.

Uh, they explode?

Oh, what a shame.

I was hoping that was true.

Does that mean it was right? No.

Why do you think that?

Uh, because I
heard it in a... Movie.

Yeah, ok.

It's one of the best bits of
independence day, isn't it?

Yeah, I heard it's something
to do with, like, the...

Where it fizzes and the acid
in their stomach can't take it

and it explodes. Ok, it is
not true, thankfully, I'm afraid.

The idea is that
the birds don't belch

and therefore the gas will
increase in their stomachs

until they can't take it.

But the truth is that birds
are experts at regurgitation

so they can easily remove
anything in the stomach

that is causing them discomfort.

The stereotypical seagull
is a herring gull, and they did

very interesting research
into them at exeter university.

They found they prefer to eat food
that has been handled by humans.

They've had two buckets with wrapped
flapjacks and one had been handled

for 60 seconds by a person,
and 79% of the gulls chose the one

that had been handled
by human beings.

Maybe they like it a little bit
a bit warmed up, you know.

No, I think they just
want to piss us off.

Anybody know how to
recognise a black headed gull?

Yeah. Mm-hm.

They haven't got a black head.

Is correct. You
get an extra point.

I... that's never
happened before!

In the summer, they
have a dark brown head

and the rest of
the year, it's white.

They don't have a
black headed gull at all.

But you can tell by the colour
of the head what season it is.

I mean, you can tell as
well by the weather, frankly.

The ironic thing is the one on
the right looks like a seagull's

crapped on its head.

It does look like...

What shape do bees
make honeycombs into?

Hexagon.

It was previously thought that
bees built their honeycombs

out of hexagons, and
a lot of people thought,

"how have they done that? Have
they made a perfect hexagon?"

Well, when you say
previously thought,

I mean, what you can
do is actually look at it.

There it is. So, what
they've actually...

What they've actually done...
The famous honeycomb shape.

..They create circular shaped cells
using their own bodies as a mould.

Yes. And then those form a hexagonal
shape by themselves, the same way

that bubbles sit together
in a bubble bath. Oh.

What kind of bees make milk?

That's the important question.
Yeah. The point is, we thought that...

Boo-bees.

Have you been home educating
your kids? How is that going?

This is the tone of voice...
They're not going to get...

..Of home schooling in
the Davies household.

Yeah. "Just do... just do
it and then bring it to me...

"Try to do it!"

Just... "You
haven't tried to do it!

"I can't read that."

So... well, the point is, Alan,
that we thought that bees knew

how to... never mind, "the point is,
Alan," you know they're hexagons

and you've shown
some weird bee...

..Not actually in a honeycomb.

"Well, this is a good
picture, but it's not a hexagon.

"Find a proper one."

"It's your own time
you're wasting."

Bees are one of the few
insects that can survive a winter.

How do they do that?

Stay indoors.

Uh, central
heating. Kind of. Oh!

They make their own
central heating in a way.

Jamali: Bundle together?
Yes, exactly right, my darling.

Yeah? Yes, you
get an extra point.

They stay warm by
forming a ball of bees.

Oh, my word! It's about the size
of a basketball and it's around the

queen in order... it's
important to keep her warm,

and it's got two layers. They
come in? So the bees on the outside

are packed tightly together
and facing inwards, yeah,

and it's like a kind
of quilt, so the ones

on the inside can
move around freely.

Penguins do that too, right?
Yeah. Where they all come together,

and then one goes on the
outside, and... that's exactly it.

Alternate. Yeah, it's
the same sort of thing.

Now, how can you tell if
your dog's happy to see you?

Oh, they're not.

They wag their tail, sandi!

Oh, dear!

And again...

..The evidence is widespread.

The tail wagging does not
necessarily indicate happiness.

It's a kind of communication.

They are trying to
signal submissiveness.

For example, inferior
wolves would wag their tails

when approaching superior ones.

But if it was happiness, when the
dog was alone, it would wag its tail

if suddenly it saw some food or
something and they don't do that.

It is a way of trying to
communicate either with another dog

or with the person.
It's a bit like fidgeting.

It can be excitement
or it can be nerves.

How do we know? How
do we know it doesn't...

Wag its tail? ..Wag its tail.

I mean, if a dog wags its tail
and no-one's there to see it...

Yeah... Can we really
say it hasn't wagged its tail?

There's this new
thing called cameras.

How can you make
your cat smile at you?

Oh, cats! Don't start with cats.

I used to have two, and one
would go to the top of the curtains

and the other one would rip
the curtains down, trying to get it.

That sums them up.

Sums them up!

Jamali, have you
got cats or dogs?

I had a dog... well, actually, I
only had a dog for like a week once,

because, er... it wasn't
your dog? Yeah, kind of.

So I had this bike and
then a guy said to me,

"I want to buy the bike."
He goes, "I'll trade you."

And I go, "what you got?"

And he goes, "I've got nunchuks,"
so I've got the nunchuks.

And I said, "you've got
to Chuck in 20 quid."

He went, "all right, cool."

So I went home and mum
was like, "where's your bike?"

I was like, "I've only got
nunchuks and 20 quid."

And she's like, "well, no,
go back and get your bike."

And I went back and I was like, "I
need my bike back," and he goes,

"all right, but I'll give
you this dog instead."

And I went, "all right."

So I took the dog back and then
someone's knocked at my house

because that guy
had stole the dog.

Josh: Oh, my word. So I
had to then give the dog back.

But I got to keep the
nunchuks, so it's a happy ending.

Sandi, do you know
what a nunchuk is?

What I do know is that jamali
and I have very different lives.

That's the dog I had once.

Wow, ok.

How can you make
your cat smile at you?

Can they smile?
Can they smile, Josh?

Well, I've got two cats.
They have never smiled.

Ok? They haven't got
animated mouths, have they?

It's something that cally
said early on about snakes.

You rub both their
penises and their ears.

You urinate on it.

Jamali: Huh? Yes.
And that cheers it up?

You know what, I'm
not going to check that.

When I get home and I say to
my wife, "here's a trick for you."

Yeah. "Go and
get the cat." Yeah.

I thought you was going to
say, "go and get the camera."

They make an expression that
looks like a smile, but it's actually

something called a flehmen response.
It means to bare the upper teeth.

And it means that they're analysing
a smell, so a smell like urine,

and drawing the scent particles
into the roof of the mouth.

If you weed on a cat, it
would look like it was smiling.

In fact, the best way to make
your cat happy is to slowly

blink at it, so... really?
While peeing or just...?

No, don't think you need to pee.

They're more likely to approach
if you have an outstretched hand,

indicating trust. But if
you've been slow blinking at it,

then they think that must be ok.
But everyone else in the in your

house is like, "we're
going to call a doctor!"

Yeah. "Mum's slow blinking
and pissing on the cat."

You could learn many things
from your puppy dogs' tails.

Speaking of which, what
are little boys made of?

They were sugar
and spice... smells?

Girls... girls were...
..Sugar and spice

and all things nice. And boys?

Jamali: Bad shit.
Bad shit! That's it.

Cigarette smoke and
petrol. I don't know.

Josh: Cigarette
smoke and petrol!

Yeah. Slugs and snails
and puppy dogs' tails.

Oh! Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

But there've been lots
of versions of the rhyme.

So from the 1820s, it
had snips and snails,

snigs and snails

or snakes and snails.

A snake is a young eel and a
snip is a sort of morsel of something.

And then longer versions
with old men made of slippers

that flop and a bald-headed top.

Women are reels and jeels
and old spinning wheels.

The truth is little boys and
little girls are actually made

mostly of water, like
almost all other living things.

I want you to put these pictures
in order of which contains

the most water.

Cucumber.

Cucumber at number one, are we
agreed on that. Yes. Number one.

What about slug? Slug. We're
going to go for slug, number two?

Yeah. I'd say a...

..Baby. For number three?

Yeah. Ok, then? I've always thought
women are more watery than men.

I've said it for years.

You can't say those
things any more.

Ok, I can't say that any
more? Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Am I going to be
cancelled for that, am I?

Is that not a compliment, then?

No! No? No.

D'you know, cally, you're
looking particularly watery today.

Number four? I'm going
to say banana. Banana, ok.

Number five, woman. Woman.

Number six, the
man. Dry old man.

Let's have a look and
see if you got it right.

Oh! Oh, no!

Yeah, so... Cally:
You were reversed.

So a woman is made of 55% water

and an adult male is 60% water.

Oh! Yeah!

Losers! Losers!

Urgh, you're so dehydrated!

Would you like a drink?

We've got water to spare! Yeah!

I like that a baby falls
between a slug and a banana.

And can I just show you my favourite
slug? The slender banana slug.

It's a hermaphrodite, and that means
that it can exchange sperm both ways

during mating. After sex,

one slug will sometimes
chew its partner's penis off.

Oh! Mm. But then they'll still
live? Yes, because the idea is...

It'll just be a female...
That the slug will not be able

to mate as a male in the
future and therefore will allocate

its resources to
becoming a mother.

Cally: That's not a
bad idea. I never...

Two kids in, and I
didn't think of that.

Go on, then! I enjoyed
that. Chew it off.

Yeah, let's go out on a high!

Would anybody... if you find a
snail in your garden, would you throw

it into the neighbour's garden?
Yeah, we had just snail...

So many snails last summer.
The gardener turned up, and it's...

Cally: The gardener? That...

It's a middle-class story.

Yeah. No, no, what... a
gardener! In an unrelated...

"All day - spent all day
chatting to the cook!

"Doing no work!"

He said he's never
seen snails like it.

Anyway, I wish I
hadn't brought him up.

He's not even a
part of the story.

He is now. Anyway...

I got this organic thing
because I felt bad, but it said...

I put it down and it
said the snail would...

Don't worry, it's totally fine.

Snails eat it, and then they just
burrow underground. Right, and die.

Well, they didn't mention that,
but I presume that's what happened.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like a vegetarian's
way of getting rid of animals.

Yeah. Why didn't you just put,
like, I was going to say soap,

but himalayan pink sea salt?

Yeah, that's... yeah.

That's more what you would... I
was going to say normal table salt.

But I know you've got that...

..That grinder.

"Josh, don't waste the
salt!" "I have to, darling!"

He'd have got
the cook to do that.

That's right. Cally:
Rather than do it himself.

They did a study of throwing
snails, 416 snails, they threw them

over a wall, and then they were
marked and then thrown again

if they returned, and one
snail came back 17 times.

And that brings our
safari to a slimy close.

Let's take a swift
look at the scores.

In last place, moving at a
snail's pace, with minus 19,

it's Alan.

Applause

third, with minus 17, jamali.

Happy with that.
I'm happy with that.

Applause I should say
at this point... yeah?

..I've never won.

Me, neither. Ah.

Ok. In second...

Just to note, my gardener
is a huge fan of the show.

This has never happened
before, this sort of tension.

In second place
with minus six...

..It's cally. Josh
and Alan shout

applause

in the lead with the lion's
share and three whole

points, it's Josh widdicombe.

Applause

thanks to cally,
jamali, Josh and Alan.

I leave you with this from
American columnist Doug Larson.

"Never doubt the
courage of the French.

"They were the ones who
discovered that snails are edible."

Goodnight.

Applause