QI (2003–…): Season 19, Episode 8 - Season's Greetings - full transcript
Sandi Toksvig is joined by Alan Davies, Bonnie Langford, Joe Lycett and Sally Phillips to spread glad tidings with this year's QI Christmas special.
This programme contains
some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
*Q I*
Season 19 Episode 08
Episode Title: "Season's Greetings"
Aired on: December 20, 2021.
Merry Christmas and
welcome to QI, where we're
snowed in on a silent night
and wishing you season's greetings.
A low shepherd, Sally Phillips.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A wise woman, Bonnie Langford.
Thank you.
CHEERI NG AND APPLAUSE
An immaculate virgin, joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And in keeping with tradition,
Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's hear their adorable acting.
Joe goes...
PIANO INTERLUDE
CHILD: We must got
to Bethlehem on a donkey.
LAUGHTER
SaIgoes...
PIANO INTERLUDE
CHILD: I was just washing my socks
when an angel suddenly appeared!
Bonnie goes...
PIANO INTERLUDE
CHILD: Behold, I bring you fra...
fra... frank... frank...
frankin... cense. Frank...
Behold, I bring you gold!
Alan goes...
MANDY COHEN: Now, you listen here!
Hets not the Messiah,
hets a very naughty boy!
LAUGHTER, LIGHT APPLAUSE
All right,
based on what you are wearing,
who's probably going
to win tonight's show?
Joe. Hmm? joe? Why?
Because he's Mary
and Mary is the star of the show.
Welll actual, you have got it
right.
That is right, but why do you
think that might be?
Cos I tm so clever and gorgeous!
Welll, I present a religious show
on Sunday morning,
so I know that there was a piece
of research that tried to map
the parts that people played
in the school nativity with lifetime
success, but I can't remember
who came out best.
So, they did survey in 2O19 and
they asked 2, OOO people what parts
they had as children
and then they had a lo0k at their
lives AND see how it worked out.
Now, people who'd played oxen
ended up earning the most. No! Yes.
So, twice as much on average
as those people who played lambs
or sheep, OK? Wow.
Marys - most like
to be content with their adu life,
with josephs coming second.
Mary ao had the
most social media friends.
So, the most popular, OK?
@JoeLycett,
if you want to follow me.
The person with the fewest social
media friends, the narrator.
Way behind. Narrators are just
always annoying, aren't they? Yeah.
And narrator most like to work
in education and enjoy horse riding.
I mean, what are the chances
of these things?
The donkey - most like to work
in IT
and do gardening and enjoy puzzles.
The Angel Gabriel - most like
to work in marketing
and communications.
What were you in the nativity?
I... Well I was the star,
and when I say that,
I don't mean I had the main part.
I played the actual star.
Aww! Aww!
I just wore a twink headband and
appeared over the stable like that.
Aw, sweet!
It sounds slightly creepy. Yeah.
Rarrrgh!
I think it is a bit creepy.
Can we just admire the set,
which I think does look...
Beautiful. Itts amazing.
Beautiful. Amazing.
This might very well be illegal
in France. Why would that be?
Cos itts covered in cocaine!
Is it cos there's a fire risk
of candles near hay? No.
It's about depictions of
the nativity.
It's illegal to display them
in public places if it
demonstrates a public recognition or
preference for a specific religion.
So, the on way you can get round
the law is by proving it has
some cuura artistic
or festive significance.
It can't have religious
significance, it's not allowed.
So, some mayors have protested
about this in France.
I n january 2O21,
the mayor of Beaucaire, which is
in Provence, insisted on keeping
their nativity scene up
in the town hall Tl LL Candlemas,
which is February 2nd, and he argued
that there was a cuural history,
to have these nativity scenes.
And that is true in a way,
because they feature
these things called santons,
or little saints,
and the point is that these are
traditional Provence figures
and these have been traditional
since the French Revolution,
actual.
But, anyway, the guy in Beaucaire,
he was fined 5, OOO euros a day
for each day that the scene was up.
I know, it's a lot of money! That's
a lot of money! It's a lot of money!
Anybody remember...? We've mentioned
it before on the show.
Alan, do you remember what the
Catalan version
of nativity scenes include?
Yes.
Did you want to share
with the other children?
No, I don't... No.
A caganer. Oh, caganer, yes.
A caganer is part of the Catalan...
Is it? ..nativity, yeah.
It's a crouching...
Uh, how can I put this polite?
Defecating statue.
Oh, yes, the poo one! The po0 one!
It's in all the Catalan... Yes.
It's a squatting man. That is.
It's a traditional symbol
of fertility.
What's funny about it is,
when you go to the area,
you can buy these
little figures of...
You know, you can get
one of Donald Trump
and you can get one of David
Beckham, whoever you want to have.
I td want Timmy Mallet.
Why not?
With or without his mallet. Yeah.
Just Timmy Mallet having a shit -
thatts what I want for Christmas.
Wow. You remind me a tiny bit
of Timmy Mallet.
Stop right there.
I will walk from this show...!
But nativity scenes have had
a long history of controversy,
not just in France.
189Os, there was an English priest
who issued knuckle dusters
to his congregation
so they could repel attacks
on local nativity scenes
because people fe
so strong about it.
They were hardline Anglicans,
anti-ritualists, they were called,
and they didn't want any religious
decoration of any kind.
And in fact, one of the leaders
of the anti-ritualists movement
was Lady Wimborne.
She was Winston Churchill's aunt.
There she is. Formidable, isn't she?
Marvellous.
Cornelia. There's a whole...
Peta have got a big campaign
against using animals in nativities.
What, like, real anima, or...?
Real animals, live nativities.
There's been a real issue with
them trying to escape and also...
LAUGHTER
sheep being sexually harassed...
By who? By the Wise Men?
Who's doing this?!
There was genuinely a thing where
a guy got into the nativity scene...
"I n America". But also true...
Why did you do "I n America"?
It is a real place.
Put it down! You bad man!
Stop! Stop! Leave my sheep alone!
No, you don't, you pervert!
He was arrested for...? What sort
of a shepherd are you? Look at this!
But, yeah, no,
and he had sex with a sheep.
Oh! DU RI NG the nativity?
Yeah, they had a stable set
with live animals
and someone broke in at night
and had sex with a sheep.
Be honest - was it Timmy Mallet?
Well that's covered nativity plays,
I think, very succinct.
Apparent future success can
be predicted by your school
nativity play, which quite frank
is VI RGI N on the ridiculous.
Aha! Boom, boom. Ratta-tata-ta!
OK, do you want to take
your beard off, darling? You can.
I'm all right if you are. Yeah.
No, what's great is
that people will go,
"Who was that person talking
about sheep sex?"
Why is there a♪ays to0 much to do
on Christmas Day?
Oh...
I think Christmas Day is
when you can relax, isn't it?
It's like the lead - up to Christmas
Day that is a bit of a night...
Welll, not quite relaxed.
Once you got to Christmas Day,
the worst bit's out of the way.
I can't take you serious.
You lo0k like you are about to
serve nachos.
I think Alan looks like
one of those guys that plays
the panpipes on...
Yes! Yes! ..the steps of the...
Selling their albums.
When you're all quite done!
The idea is that we try and cram it
all into one day, and they never
used to do that.
So, medieval and Tudor period,
for example,
Christmas lasted for a full season,
so you'd start possib 1st November
right through to 2nd February,
so All Hallows' Day, it was called,
all the way to Candlemas.
And there'd be huge
feasts on the way,
things that I think
we should bring back.
St Martin's Day - who
celebrates that? Anybody? Martin?
Martin Clunes. Martin Kemp.
November 11th, it started
a full 43 days of advent.
I like him, St Martin of Tours,
he has an eclectic list of
things he's the patron of.
Geese, horses, innkeepers
and reformed alcoholics.
They would seem to be... um, cancel
each other out.
I know, the innkeepers
and the reformed alcoholics.
But the Middle Ages,
I mean, goodness,
they were real rowdy at Christmas.
There was a
Lord of Misrule appointed a♪ays,
from among the peasants,
to lead the revelry.
So, this is not a go0d story.
I n Lincolnshire, 1637, the Lord of
Misrule was taken through
a mock ceremony in which he married
a fellow citizen
and after this sham marriage,
in the words of one Victorian
historian who documented it,
"The affair was carried to
its utmost extent
"in front of the crowds."
GASPS
How shocking! Mm!
Public consummated marriage with
somebody they didn't real know.
And there were a lot of complaints
at the time about the amount
of chambering that went on
at Christmas.
It is a very go0d old word
for "doing the deed". Chambering?
Chambering? Yes.
Yeah.
Now it's just called Married At
First Sight. Yes, absolute right.
Right, guys if you want to
take off your, I don't know,
your frocks,
if it's a bit more comfortable.
There we go.
Take that, Timmy!
I say!
Is that your own jumper?
No! I borrowed it
from Pam St Clement.
We all like our snow deep
and crisp and even,
but what is it most made of?
Woke lefties, thatts what
itts full of!
Woke lefties? Yeah! Snowflakes!
Oh... Yeah!
Mainly air, isn't it?
Yes, it is main air.
So, powdery, fresh fallen snow
is made up of tiny crysta
of frozen water and each
crystal is surrounded by air,
so it's incredib fluffy and porous
and up to 90-95ofo of
its total mass is just air.
And that's why, when snow mes,
it seems like there's so little
of it, doesn't it? Yeah.
There's a real go0d rule of thumb.
One inch of rain corresponds
with about ten inches of snow.
Really? Yeah. Wow.
What does it make, snow...?
If it's got so much air in it,
what's it going to give it
as a quality?
Oh, um, transparency.
Excellent insulator.
Oh! Cos it's full of air.
So, if you're
inside a well-bui igloo,
let's imagine it's -40 degrees
centigrade outside,
your body heat trapped inside
all of that air is enough to make
it a very nice 16 degrees inside.
I n Denmark,
because we get quite a lot of snow,
it's a♪ays recommended that you
carry a single tealight
and a box of matches,
and a single tealight lit on the
dashboard of your car will be enough
to keep your warm for the entire
night if you're stuck in snow.
Wow. Oh, that's quite a good tip.
I mean, if you get a few across
the dashboard, itts roasting. Yes!
Some marshmallows.
Ooh, get your top off!
Pouring wax on yourself.
Steaming up the windows.
"What's going on in there?!"
"We've run out of petrol!
Bugger off!"
And ice does not have the same
insulating properties as snow,
that's why they never build
igloos out of ice.
Ahough, you do get some iglo0s
where a block of ice
has been put in as a window.
A friend of mine took
his fiancee to the Ice Hotel.
Has anyone been to that?
No, I want to go!
Apparently it was horrible! Oh!
Cold?
It was a bit chil!
It was!
Hith tongue thticks to the window!
Thith hotel's shit!
How often are you licking
windows in hotels?
How else do you know they're clean,
Joe?
Snow is one of the very few things
that isn't most made of water.
What kind of parasite sticks
around at Christmas
and extracts fo0d from the host?
An actor. Yes!
Anywhere to get a free meal!
Is it that thing
that lives in the carpets?
Those are your feet, Sally,
they're your feet!
"It's those things
in the carpet again!"
Can I ask something? This headband
you're wearing,
is it decoration or is
there a serious injury...?
It's very, very tight.
I'm talking about mistletoe.
There we go.
Hey! Oh! Yes. That's a parasite?
It's a parasite, yes.
It's part of the sanda♪o0d fami,
it sinks its roots into
tree branches
and then it sucks the nutrients
and the water that it needs
out of it. Wow.
So, how are they going to make sure
that their seeds are deposited
on tree branches
rather than on the ground?
Birds. Birds, berries...
Birds, yeah.
So, the seeds have evo♪ed to be
sticky, and when the birds eat them,
the seeds stick
to their bottoms at the other end,
when it comes out the other end.
And it's actually Anglo-Saxon...
Oh... Thatts a nice...
That is a mistletoe flowerpecker.
Isn't it beautifu ♪
I think the name is from
the Anglo-Saxon, meaning bird poo.
Mistel-tan. Yeah, it's "mist"
is shit or dung. Poo.
And "tan" is twig. Poo twigs.
Po0 twigs. That's what they are.
Yeah.
Shit stick. Shit stick!
Yeah. So what happens is, they get
these seeds stuck to their bottoms,
and then the on way
for the bird to detach them
is to find some kind of hard,
angular surface to wipe them on,
and the tree branch is often
the very best candidate.
And they're usual deposited
along with a rather handy
covering of fertilising faeces.
So, it's absolute terrific.
Sometimes they regurgitate the seeds
instead
and then they just wipe
their beak on the branch.
It's incredib clever.
The mistletoe genus is
called viscum, so...
It's Latin for mistletoe.
It's where we get viscous from.
Sticky poo. Yeah.
U - poo, if you will. It is!
Do you know how it became romantic?
Why do we kiss underneath it, then?
Yes, it is a weird thing,
isn't it? Itts a bit like...
Have a snog under the shit stick!
Itts like, honestly?
One of the main birds that does this
is the mistle thrush.
Do you know what? I was once
the voice of Canesten thrush cream.
Were you? Yes, they did a radio
commercial.
And what did you have to say?
..where I was the voice of Can...
Welll, the marketing people had
decided
that for the purposes of this
audio-only advert,
the Canesten was going to be a, um,
stand - up comedian.
"Have you got an itch?
I've got an itch."
"I went to a bar, had a little
bit of an itch." Yeah.
It was exactly that.
And I thought...
I did a slightly different voice.
"You ever suffer from embarrassing,
burning itching?"
"I don't know, do you?"
"Yes..." You know.
I thought, well, no-one will ever
know because I've done
a slightly different voice. OK.
And then I got recognised on
the tube by a blind woman!
"You're the thrush lady!"
BONNI E: "You're the thrush lady."
"I 'd recognise that voice anywhere.
You're hilarious!" Anyway...
"What are your thrush jokes?"
Why we use it for romance,
nobody real knows.
It may be associated with
fertility by the Druids.
The white berries may represent
semen, I'm afraid.
So, poo, semen and kisses.
Right. What can I tell you?
Merry Christmas!
Right, in the original pantomimes,
the lead character magical
transformed
the scene haffway through by waving
around a magic what?
Wand! SALLY: Wand.
ALARM
jOE: Oh...
Where's that, Bon?
I think that was Guildford,
the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre.
That's a good wand, actually.
It's a nice wand. ls there a trick
to doing a proper wand?
One needs to always make sure
that the top of the wand is upright.
You must never...
We've each got a wand, so you can
give us a quick lesson...
Oh! Oh, look! ..in wand holding.
Voila. Aha.
Yes, this is rather a... subtle wand.
Um, one...
Wow, diss the props!
One must hold the wand at the bottom
and then support it
a bit like a sceptre. OK.
Like this, and always make
sure that the magic is held upright
and then bestowed on the person.
Mine bends to the left.
And I don't think anybody's
surprised. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So that's it, wand work. That's it.
Anyway, the answer was not wand.
I think the answer is slapstick.
Is correct.
This is where slapstick comes from.
Yes. Is that right?,
So they were initial...
Pantomime, you're kind of lo0king
about the ear 17OOs,
and they were initial called
harlequinades
and every show would
begin as a rather serious melodrama
and then about haffway through,
a mischievous magician called
Harlequin would start bashing bits
of scenery with his magic bat
and they were hinged so they would
collapse at a particular moment,
I mean, which must have been great,
and reveal new scenery behind. And
the sound of the stick smacking was
ao the signal for the stagehands
to run on and transform the set,
and from that moment on, the whole
tone of the show changed.
It wasn't a serious
melodrama any more.
It was, wel it was out-and-out
fast with absurd chase scenes and
comic pratfal, and it turned into,
by the 18OOs... BONNl E: Oh, yes!
..a proper slapstick.
So it is two sticks
joined by a hinge.
Yeah. I'm not very go0d at it.
LAUGHTER
And that's, um, that's where we get
the word "slapstick" from.
So slapstick is often cited as one
of the earliest special effects
and there is an even earlier one,
and I love this.
It was invented by a playwright
called john Dennis.
So in 17O9, he staged his own play
called Appius And Virginia.
It doesn't sound very go0d. It was
a tragedy set in ancient Rome.
Nobody liked it. But what they
real liked
was his new thunder machine.
It was amazing.
He generated these real realistic
sound effects for stormy scenes.
Anyway, the play did not do very
well
and it closed after a few nights
and was replaced by Macbeth.
And when Dennis, the playwright,
turned up to watch
the Macbeth production,
he was outraged to hear his very
distinctive sound effect being used.
They had literal stolen his
thunder.
BONNl E: Oh! And that is where...
Is that where it came from? Is that
"steal my thunder..."? Yes.
Oh, well there you go! It's great,
isn't it?
And the thunder, was it
because they used a sheet of metal?
They used to use sheets of metal but
there was ao a thing
called a Thunder Run, which I wish
they still had.
They used to make a pipe, set
into the wall of some theatres,
so it would start very high up,
sort of in the gods
and it would wrap its way
round the building,
and you dropped a cannonball into it
and it would rumble,
so it was almost as if you could
hear the thunder going all
the way around the building. Cool.
Ooh! That is coo isn't it?
Yeah. That's clever.
It would be annoying to start it at
the wrong time, wouldntt it?
"Stop!"
Tt Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art
thou... tt Oh, dear. Oh, no.
Brusse sprouts are a Christmas
dinner staple
but is there any way to make them
bearable?
Welll, my friend's family, they play,
um,
fart tennis at Christmas.
So you eat as many sprouts as you
can, and then you have one side
of the table against the other side
of the table, scoring fart for fart.
But you don't do it with
an actual bal♪ No? It's jus♪II
No, well, you do it with a fart,
so you...
"15 love!" No, I like the idea that
the fart was so powerful
it could propel the ball across the
table. That would be good. Yeah.
Chestnuts make sprouts variable.
Well I think roasted,
they are absolute love.
I steam them a bit and then fry them
in curry powder.
Whoa!
So you have some sprouts. Do we?
Do I? Yes, you have some sprouts in
a tin.
Oh, Auntie Sandi! I know.
BONNI E: Oh, look at that!
So open up your Brusse sprouts
and then you ao have
a glass of red wine.
What scientists have discovered
is that Brusse sprouts taste less
bitter if you take a sip of red wine
between each mouthfu OK?
Have a sip of red wine and then...
Welll, I might do one as a tester.
OK, fine, do that.
What, to see if it tastes
disgusting,
and then it's better with
the red wine? OK.
Then... Fucking hell!
LAUGHTER
So the astringency of the red wine,
so the rough dry mouth feel
you get when you're drink it,
it's possible it stops your saliva
being able to pass the bitter taste
to your taste buds.
Or you just get pidd-pom.
Does it work with the red?
The red wine is working.
Is that working? Yes. Thatts it, it
is, yeah.
It's going to be
15 love in a minute.
SANDl LAUGHS
We will win, my friend. We will win.
We're going to murder them!
Bonnie Langford's farts can only be
heard by a dog.
BONNl E: Is there a tune?
Well it's almost time to wrap
up for the present
but not before you total turkeys
get stuffed by General Ignorance.
I tell you what,
let's make it a bit more festive.
You can light your Christmassy
candles, OK. Ooh! OK.
We've got a love candle here
How lovely.
There we go. Um...
Oh... like that.
Oh, look at that. isn't that pretty?
It is pretty. Let me light that up.
CHI ID'S VOICE: Donkey!
It won't stay on.
That was a very good doorbell.
Donkey!
LAUGHTER
Here's the thing, because of, um,
because of heah and safety...
Donkey.
LAUGHTER
Oh, God,
why did we give you the ass?
I now need you to snuff your candles
and you have what you need to
snuff them beside you.
Oh, very nice. Look at that.
OK...
ALARM
Not like that?
I didntt do it, I didntt do it!
SANDl LAUGHS
What are we supposed to do with it?
I n fact, it is an expression that is
a♪ays used wrong today.
It actual means to cause
the candle to burn brighter
and what you do is you do
it by trimming the wick,
in order to make it go brighter,
so, you cut a little bit of the wick
like that and the flame will go up.
It is actual the opposite of what
we think it is. Oh!
Can I just show you a trick?
So first of al I'm going
to light my lighter.
BONNl E GASPS
Whoa! How did that happen?
Is it because you...
Just the smoke?
The smoke is enough to draw it
back down.
Thatts so cool! Oh, that's like
a magic trick.
Have a lo0k at the video
and it makes it a little bit clearer
but it is actual as if the flame
is passing down through the smoke.
Mm. So there, it goes out.
I nto the flame, smoke...
and lo0k at it travelling.
Ah! Thatts amazing.
Bo0m. SALLY: That is... Wow. Co0
man. That is a good trick, isn't it?
That's a very good trick. BONNl E: I
like that.
Is it dangerous to do that? No,
darling, not in the slightest.
BONNl E GASPS
Go on, do it.
Oh! Agh!
I tve got hot wax on my finger.
God, it reminds me
of that car journey with Alan.
LAUGHTER
I thought you were going to say...
You weren't cold, though, were you?
LAUGHTER
Um, does anybody want to see
my candle salad? Hell, yes.
BONNl E: Oh, I say!
ALAN LAUGHS
Reminds me of that car journey with
Alan.
LAUGHTER
It's really disturbing!
It's hard to believe this was
a popular dinner party treat...
jOE LAUGHS
a popular dinner party
treat in America in the 195Os.
It was used as a way quite often
of introducing children to cooking.
It's supposed to represent
a candle, OK?
It is a banana sticking out
of pineapple rings with a cherry,
that's the flame, fixed to the top,
and the mayonnaise dribbling
down the side... Mayonnaise?!
I'm just saying,
is meant to represent candle wax.
What's wrong with these people?
And apparent, people who presented
these recipes were total
naive about what it actual...
lo0ked like.
What does it look like, Sandi?
Um...
LAUGHTER
Those things that live in the
carpet.
LAUGHTER
The candle salad was a perfect
innocent culinary treat
and I don't know why anyone would
think otherwise.
Final, what was the name of the
guy who invented this screwdriver?
Gold! Phillips!
Oh...
ALARM
No, it was actual... The man
Phillips that it's named after was
a businessman who
spotted its potential.
It was invented by an Englishman
called john Frierson in the 187Os.
It is known as having
a cruciform orifice.
That's the Holy Grail, isn't it?
I know, right? Of screwdrivers.
LAUGHTER
This businessman, Henry Phillips,
he bought the patient and he
introduced it to General Motors and
then World War I I happened and all
the military manufacturers used it.
But what ee is a screwdriver which
is more interesting at Christmas?
Angels! Ah!
Alcohol. Yes, it is a cocktail.
Everybody's got a drink.
Have a drink.
Ooh. BONNl E: Wahey! Right.
Sally, do you know what you've got?
Orange juice.
It's a Screwdriver,
apparent, a drink that arrived at
the end of World War I I
either from the Armed Forces or the
oil workers and most people say it's
because they used a screwdriver to
mix the vodka in with their orange
juice. Oh.
But I've got my favourite drink
and it is the S series, so it's
SH -ampagne.
BONNl E LAUGHS
Shh!
Cheers. Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!
So let's have a look at the scores.
Oh, the biggest loser
in our Nativity with -8,
oh, it's Bonnie. Yes.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thank you.
I n third place with -6, it's joe.
Ah, thatts nice! Yay!
APPLAUSE
I n second place with two whole
points, it's Alan. Yay!
APPLAUSE
I n first place, with 13 full
festive points, it's Sally!
CHEERl NG AND APPLAUSE
thanks, to Bonnie, joe, Sally
and Alan
and it on remains to say from all
of us here, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.
Merry Christmas. Don't drink it!
Happy Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Cheers.
Merry Christmas. I hope you are too.
Cariad's pissed. I'm so pissed!
Merry Christmas! Happy Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Happy Christmas, please.
Merry Christmas and a happy New
Year.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
HAT JINGLES
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas,
happy New Year. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Nish-mas.
Wow, it's like Jesus himseff
wishing it to you.
Merry Christmas, one and all.
And a very Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas.
Nollaig Shona daoibh go leir! Ah!
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
That's what I'm like at Christmas.
Welll, all the year round, really.
Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
I didn't sell that, did I?
Can I do mine again?
Do you know what? Happy Christmas.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Merry Christmas.
Oi! Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
What the...?
I, I don't know...
Keep it in! Keep it in!
Happy Christmas.
APPLAUSE
some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
*Q I*
Season 19 Episode 08
Episode Title: "Season's Greetings"
Aired on: December 20, 2021.
Merry Christmas and
welcome to QI, where we're
snowed in on a silent night
and wishing you season's greetings.
A low shepherd, Sally Phillips.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A wise woman, Bonnie Langford.
Thank you.
CHEERI NG AND APPLAUSE
An immaculate virgin, joe Lycett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And in keeping with tradition,
Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's hear their adorable acting.
Joe goes...
PIANO INTERLUDE
CHILD: We must got
to Bethlehem on a donkey.
LAUGHTER
SaIgoes...
PIANO INTERLUDE
CHILD: I was just washing my socks
when an angel suddenly appeared!
Bonnie goes...
PIANO INTERLUDE
CHILD: Behold, I bring you fra...
fra... frank... frank...
frankin... cense. Frank...
Behold, I bring you gold!
Alan goes...
MANDY COHEN: Now, you listen here!
Hets not the Messiah,
hets a very naughty boy!
LAUGHTER, LIGHT APPLAUSE
All right,
based on what you are wearing,
who's probably going
to win tonight's show?
Joe. Hmm? joe? Why?
Because he's Mary
and Mary is the star of the show.
Welll actual, you have got it
right.
That is right, but why do you
think that might be?
Cos I tm so clever and gorgeous!
Welll, I present a religious show
on Sunday morning,
so I know that there was a piece
of research that tried to map
the parts that people played
in the school nativity with lifetime
success, but I can't remember
who came out best.
So, they did survey in 2O19 and
they asked 2, OOO people what parts
they had as children
and then they had a lo0k at their
lives AND see how it worked out.
Now, people who'd played oxen
ended up earning the most. No! Yes.
So, twice as much on average
as those people who played lambs
or sheep, OK? Wow.
Marys - most like
to be content with their adu life,
with josephs coming second.
Mary ao had the
most social media friends.
So, the most popular, OK?
@JoeLycett,
if you want to follow me.
The person with the fewest social
media friends, the narrator.
Way behind. Narrators are just
always annoying, aren't they? Yeah.
And narrator most like to work
in education and enjoy horse riding.
I mean, what are the chances
of these things?
The donkey - most like to work
in IT
and do gardening and enjoy puzzles.
The Angel Gabriel - most like
to work in marketing
and communications.
What were you in the nativity?
I... Well I was the star,
and when I say that,
I don't mean I had the main part.
I played the actual star.
Aww! Aww!
I just wore a twink headband and
appeared over the stable like that.
Aw, sweet!
It sounds slightly creepy. Yeah.
Rarrrgh!
I think it is a bit creepy.
Can we just admire the set,
which I think does look...
Beautiful. Itts amazing.
Beautiful. Amazing.
This might very well be illegal
in France. Why would that be?
Cos itts covered in cocaine!
Is it cos there's a fire risk
of candles near hay? No.
It's about depictions of
the nativity.
It's illegal to display them
in public places if it
demonstrates a public recognition or
preference for a specific religion.
So, the on way you can get round
the law is by proving it has
some cuura artistic
or festive significance.
It can't have religious
significance, it's not allowed.
So, some mayors have protested
about this in France.
I n january 2O21,
the mayor of Beaucaire, which is
in Provence, insisted on keeping
their nativity scene up
in the town hall Tl LL Candlemas,
which is February 2nd, and he argued
that there was a cuural history,
to have these nativity scenes.
And that is true in a way,
because they feature
these things called santons,
or little saints,
and the point is that these are
traditional Provence figures
and these have been traditional
since the French Revolution,
actual.
But, anyway, the guy in Beaucaire,
he was fined 5, OOO euros a day
for each day that the scene was up.
I know, it's a lot of money! That's
a lot of money! It's a lot of money!
Anybody remember...? We've mentioned
it before on the show.
Alan, do you remember what the
Catalan version
of nativity scenes include?
Yes.
Did you want to share
with the other children?
No, I don't... No.
A caganer. Oh, caganer, yes.
A caganer is part of the Catalan...
Is it? ..nativity, yeah.
It's a crouching...
Uh, how can I put this polite?
Defecating statue.
Oh, yes, the poo one! The po0 one!
It's in all the Catalan... Yes.
It's a squatting man. That is.
It's a traditional symbol
of fertility.
What's funny about it is,
when you go to the area,
you can buy these
little figures of...
You know, you can get
one of Donald Trump
and you can get one of David
Beckham, whoever you want to have.
I td want Timmy Mallet.
Why not?
With or without his mallet. Yeah.
Just Timmy Mallet having a shit -
thatts what I want for Christmas.
Wow. You remind me a tiny bit
of Timmy Mallet.
Stop right there.
I will walk from this show...!
But nativity scenes have had
a long history of controversy,
not just in France.
189Os, there was an English priest
who issued knuckle dusters
to his congregation
so they could repel attacks
on local nativity scenes
because people fe
so strong about it.
They were hardline Anglicans,
anti-ritualists, they were called,
and they didn't want any religious
decoration of any kind.
And in fact, one of the leaders
of the anti-ritualists movement
was Lady Wimborne.
She was Winston Churchill's aunt.
There she is. Formidable, isn't she?
Marvellous.
Cornelia. There's a whole...
Peta have got a big campaign
against using animals in nativities.
What, like, real anima, or...?
Real animals, live nativities.
There's been a real issue with
them trying to escape and also...
LAUGHTER
sheep being sexually harassed...
By who? By the Wise Men?
Who's doing this?!
There was genuinely a thing where
a guy got into the nativity scene...
"I n America". But also true...
Why did you do "I n America"?
It is a real place.
Put it down! You bad man!
Stop! Stop! Leave my sheep alone!
No, you don't, you pervert!
He was arrested for...? What sort
of a shepherd are you? Look at this!
But, yeah, no,
and he had sex with a sheep.
Oh! DU RI NG the nativity?
Yeah, they had a stable set
with live animals
and someone broke in at night
and had sex with a sheep.
Be honest - was it Timmy Mallet?
Well that's covered nativity plays,
I think, very succinct.
Apparent future success can
be predicted by your school
nativity play, which quite frank
is VI RGI N on the ridiculous.
Aha! Boom, boom. Ratta-tata-ta!
OK, do you want to take
your beard off, darling? You can.
I'm all right if you are. Yeah.
No, what's great is
that people will go,
"Who was that person talking
about sheep sex?"
Why is there a♪ays to0 much to do
on Christmas Day?
Oh...
I think Christmas Day is
when you can relax, isn't it?
It's like the lead - up to Christmas
Day that is a bit of a night...
Welll, not quite relaxed.
Once you got to Christmas Day,
the worst bit's out of the way.
I can't take you serious.
You lo0k like you are about to
serve nachos.
I think Alan looks like
one of those guys that plays
the panpipes on...
Yes! Yes! ..the steps of the...
Selling their albums.
When you're all quite done!
The idea is that we try and cram it
all into one day, and they never
used to do that.
So, medieval and Tudor period,
for example,
Christmas lasted for a full season,
so you'd start possib 1st November
right through to 2nd February,
so All Hallows' Day, it was called,
all the way to Candlemas.
And there'd be huge
feasts on the way,
things that I think
we should bring back.
St Martin's Day - who
celebrates that? Anybody? Martin?
Martin Clunes. Martin Kemp.
November 11th, it started
a full 43 days of advent.
I like him, St Martin of Tours,
he has an eclectic list of
things he's the patron of.
Geese, horses, innkeepers
and reformed alcoholics.
They would seem to be... um, cancel
each other out.
I know, the innkeepers
and the reformed alcoholics.
But the Middle Ages,
I mean, goodness,
they were real rowdy at Christmas.
There was a
Lord of Misrule appointed a♪ays,
from among the peasants,
to lead the revelry.
So, this is not a go0d story.
I n Lincolnshire, 1637, the Lord of
Misrule was taken through
a mock ceremony in which he married
a fellow citizen
and after this sham marriage,
in the words of one Victorian
historian who documented it,
"The affair was carried to
its utmost extent
"in front of the crowds."
GASPS
How shocking! Mm!
Public consummated marriage with
somebody they didn't real know.
And there were a lot of complaints
at the time about the amount
of chambering that went on
at Christmas.
It is a very go0d old word
for "doing the deed". Chambering?
Chambering? Yes.
Yeah.
Now it's just called Married At
First Sight. Yes, absolute right.
Right, guys if you want to
take off your, I don't know,
your frocks,
if it's a bit more comfortable.
There we go.
Take that, Timmy!
I say!
Is that your own jumper?
No! I borrowed it
from Pam St Clement.
We all like our snow deep
and crisp and even,
but what is it most made of?
Woke lefties, thatts what
itts full of!
Woke lefties? Yeah! Snowflakes!
Oh... Yeah!
Mainly air, isn't it?
Yes, it is main air.
So, powdery, fresh fallen snow
is made up of tiny crysta
of frozen water and each
crystal is surrounded by air,
so it's incredib fluffy and porous
and up to 90-95ofo of
its total mass is just air.
And that's why, when snow mes,
it seems like there's so little
of it, doesn't it? Yeah.
There's a real go0d rule of thumb.
One inch of rain corresponds
with about ten inches of snow.
Really? Yeah. Wow.
What does it make, snow...?
If it's got so much air in it,
what's it going to give it
as a quality?
Oh, um, transparency.
Excellent insulator.
Oh! Cos it's full of air.
So, if you're
inside a well-bui igloo,
let's imagine it's -40 degrees
centigrade outside,
your body heat trapped inside
all of that air is enough to make
it a very nice 16 degrees inside.
I n Denmark,
because we get quite a lot of snow,
it's a♪ays recommended that you
carry a single tealight
and a box of matches,
and a single tealight lit on the
dashboard of your car will be enough
to keep your warm for the entire
night if you're stuck in snow.
Wow. Oh, that's quite a good tip.
I mean, if you get a few across
the dashboard, itts roasting. Yes!
Some marshmallows.
Ooh, get your top off!
Pouring wax on yourself.
Steaming up the windows.
"What's going on in there?!"
"We've run out of petrol!
Bugger off!"
And ice does not have the same
insulating properties as snow,
that's why they never build
igloos out of ice.
Ahough, you do get some iglo0s
where a block of ice
has been put in as a window.
A friend of mine took
his fiancee to the Ice Hotel.
Has anyone been to that?
No, I want to go!
Apparently it was horrible! Oh!
Cold?
It was a bit chil!
It was!
Hith tongue thticks to the window!
Thith hotel's shit!
How often are you licking
windows in hotels?
How else do you know they're clean,
Joe?
Snow is one of the very few things
that isn't most made of water.
What kind of parasite sticks
around at Christmas
and extracts fo0d from the host?
An actor. Yes!
Anywhere to get a free meal!
Is it that thing
that lives in the carpets?
Those are your feet, Sally,
they're your feet!
"It's those things
in the carpet again!"
Can I ask something? This headband
you're wearing,
is it decoration or is
there a serious injury...?
It's very, very tight.
I'm talking about mistletoe.
There we go.
Hey! Oh! Yes. That's a parasite?
It's a parasite, yes.
It's part of the sanda♪o0d fami,
it sinks its roots into
tree branches
and then it sucks the nutrients
and the water that it needs
out of it. Wow.
So, how are they going to make sure
that their seeds are deposited
on tree branches
rather than on the ground?
Birds. Birds, berries...
Birds, yeah.
So, the seeds have evo♪ed to be
sticky, and when the birds eat them,
the seeds stick
to their bottoms at the other end,
when it comes out the other end.
And it's actually Anglo-Saxon...
Oh... Thatts a nice...
That is a mistletoe flowerpecker.
Isn't it beautifu ♪
I think the name is from
the Anglo-Saxon, meaning bird poo.
Mistel-tan. Yeah, it's "mist"
is shit or dung. Poo.
And "tan" is twig. Poo twigs.
Po0 twigs. That's what they are.
Yeah.
Shit stick. Shit stick!
Yeah. So what happens is, they get
these seeds stuck to their bottoms,
and then the on way
for the bird to detach them
is to find some kind of hard,
angular surface to wipe them on,
and the tree branch is often
the very best candidate.
And they're usual deposited
along with a rather handy
covering of fertilising faeces.
So, it's absolute terrific.
Sometimes they regurgitate the seeds
instead
and then they just wipe
their beak on the branch.
It's incredib clever.
The mistletoe genus is
called viscum, so...
It's Latin for mistletoe.
It's where we get viscous from.
Sticky poo. Yeah.
U - poo, if you will. It is!
Do you know how it became romantic?
Why do we kiss underneath it, then?
Yes, it is a weird thing,
isn't it? Itts a bit like...
Have a snog under the shit stick!
Itts like, honestly?
One of the main birds that does this
is the mistle thrush.
Do you know what? I was once
the voice of Canesten thrush cream.
Were you? Yes, they did a radio
commercial.
And what did you have to say?
..where I was the voice of Can...
Welll, the marketing people had
decided
that for the purposes of this
audio-only advert,
the Canesten was going to be a, um,
stand - up comedian.
"Have you got an itch?
I've got an itch."
"I went to a bar, had a little
bit of an itch." Yeah.
It was exactly that.
And I thought...
I did a slightly different voice.
"You ever suffer from embarrassing,
burning itching?"
"I don't know, do you?"
"Yes..." You know.
I thought, well, no-one will ever
know because I've done
a slightly different voice. OK.
And then I got recognised on
the tube by a blind woman!
"You're the thrush lady!"
BONNI E: "You're the thrush lady."
"I 'd recognise that voice anywhere.
You're hilarious!" Anyway...
"What are your thrush jokes?"
Why we use it for romance,
nobody real knows.
It may be associated with
fertility by the Druids.
The white berries may represent
semen, I'm afraid.
So, poo, semen and kisses.
Right. What can I tell you?
Merry Christmas!
Right, in the original pantomimes,
the lead character magical
transformed
the scene haffway through by waving
around a magic what?
Wand! SALLY: Wand.
ALARM
jOE: Oh...
Where's that, Bon?
I think that was Guildford,
the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre.
That's a good wand, actually.
It's a nice wand. ls there a trick
to doing a proper wand?
One needs to always make sure
that the top of the wand is upright.
You must never...
We've each got a wand, so you can
give us a quick lesson...
Oh! Oh, look! ..in wand holding.
Voila. Aha.
Yes, this is rather a... subtle wand.
Um, one...
Wow, diss the props!
One must hold the wand at the bottom
and then support it
a bit like a sceptre. OK.
Like this, and always make
sure that the magic is held upright
and then bestowed on the person.
Mine bends to the left.
And I don't think anybody's
surprised. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So that's it, wand work. That's it.
Anyway, the answer was not wand.
I think the answer is slapstick.
Is correct.
This is where slapstick comes from.
Yes. Is that right?,
So they were initial...
Pantomime, you're kind of lo0king
about the ear 17OOs,
and they were initial called
harlequinades
and every show would
begin as a rather serious melodrama
and then about haffway through,
a mischievous magician called
Harlequin would start bashing bits
of scenery with his magic bat
and they were hinged so they would
collapse at a particular moment,
I mean, which must have been great,
and reveal new scenery behind. And
the sound of the stick smacking was
ao the signal for the stagehands
to run on and transform the set,
and from that moment on, the whole
tone of the show changed.
It wasn't a serious
melodrama any more.
It was, wel it was out-and-out
fast with absurd chase scenes and
comic pratfal, and it turned into,
by the 18OOs... BONNl E: Oh, yes!
..a proper slapstick.
So it is two sticks
joined by a hinge.
Yeah. I'm not very go0d at it.
LAUGHTER
And that's, um, that's where we get
the word "slapstick" from.
So slapstick is often cited as one
of the earliest special effects
and there is an even earlier one,
and I love this.
It was invented by a playwright
called john Dennis.
So in 17O9, he staged his own play
called Appius And Virginia.
It doesn't sound very go0d. It was
a tragedy set in ancient Rome.
Nobody liked it. But what they
real liked
was his new thunder machine.
It was amazing.
He generated these real realistic
sound effects for stormy scenes.
Anyway, the play did not do very
well
and it closed after a few nights
and was replaced by Macbeth.
And when Dennis, the playwright,
turned up to watch
the Macbeth production,
he was outraged to hear his very
distinctive sound effect being used.
They had literal stolen his
thunder.
BONNl E: Oh! And that is where...
Is that where it came from? Is that
"steal my thunder..."? Yes.
Oh, well there you go! It's great,
isn't it?
And the thunder, was it
because they used a sheet of metal?
They used to use sheets of metal but
there was ao a thing
called a Thunder Run, which I wish
they still had.
They used to make a pipe, set
into the wall of some theatres,
so it would start very high up,
sort of in the gods
and it would wrap its way
round the building,
and you dropped a cannonball into it
and it would rumble,
so it was almost as if you could
hear the thunder going all
the way around the building. Cool.
Ooh! That is coo isn't it?
Yeah. That's clever.
It would be annoying to start it at
the wrong time, wouldntt it?
"Stop!"
Tt Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art
thou... tt Oh, dear. Oh, no.
Brusse sprouts are a Christmas
dinner staple
but is there any way to make them
bearable?
Welll, my friend's family, they play,
um,
fart tennis at Christmas.
So you eat as many sprouts as you
can, and then you have one side
of the table against the other side
of the table, scoring fart for fart.
But you don't do it with
an actual bal♪ No? It's jus♪II
No, well, you do it with a fart,
so you...
"15 love!" No, I like the idea that
the fart was so powerful
it could propel the ball across the
table. That would be good. Yeah.
Chestnuts make sprouts variable.
Well I think roasted,
they are absolute love.
I steam them a bit and then fry them
in curry powder.
Whoa!
So you have some sprouts. Do we?
Do I? Yes, you have some sprouts in
a tin.
Oh, Auntie Sandi! I know.
BONNI E: Oh, look at that!
So open up your Brusse sprouts
and then you ao have
a glass of red wine.
What scientists have discovered
is that Brusse sprouts taste less
bitter if you take a sip of red wine
between each mouthfu OK?
Have a sip of red wine and then...
Welll, I might do one as a tester.
OK, fine, do that.
What, to see if it tastes
disgusting,
and then it's better with
the red wine? OK.
Then... Fucking hell!
LAUGHTER
So the astringency of the red wine,
so the rough dry mouth feel
you get when you're drink it,
it's possible it stops your saliva
being able to pass the bitter taste
to your taste buds.
Or you just get pidd-pom.
Does it work with the red?
The red wine is working.
Is that working? Yes. Thatts it, it
is, yeah.
It's going to be
15 love in a minute.
SANDl LAUGHS
We will win, my friend. We will win.
We're going to murder them!
Bonnie Langford's farts can only be
heard by a dog.
BONNl E: Is there a tune?
Well it's almost time to wrap
up for the present
but not before you total turkeys
get stuffed by General Ignorance.
I tell you what,
let's make it a bit more festive.
You can light your Christmassy
candles, OK. Ooh! OK.
We've got a love candle here
How lovely.
There we go. Um...
Oh... like that.
Oh, look at that. isn't that pretty?
It is pretty. Let me light that up.
CHI ID'S VOICE: Donkey!
It won't stay on.
That was a very good doorbell.
Donkey!
LAUGHTER
Here's the thing, because of, um,
because of heah and safety...
Donkey.
LAUGHTER
Oh, God,
why did we give you the ass?
I now need you to snuff your candles
and you have what you need to
snuff them beside you.
Oh, very nice. Look at that.
OK...
ALARM
Not like that?
I didntt do it, I didntt do it!
SANDl LAUGHS
What are we supposed to do with it?
I n fact, it is an expression that is
a♪ays used wrong today.
It actual means to cause
the candle to burn brighter
and what you do is you do
it by trimming the wick,
in order to make it go brighter,
so, you cut a little bit of the wick
like that and the flame will go up.
It is actual the opposite of what
we think it is. Oh!
Can I just show you a trick?
So first of al I'm going
to light my lighter.
BONNl E GASPS
Whoa! How did that happen?
Is it because you...
Just the smoke?
The smoke is enough to draw it
back down.
Thatts so cool! Oh, that's like
a magic trick.
Have a lo0k at the video
and it makes it a little bit clearer
but it is actual as if the flame
is passing down through the smoke.
Mm. So there, it goes out.
I nto the flame, smoke...
and lo0k at it travelling.
Ah! Thatts amazing.
Bo0m. SALLY: That is... Wow. Co0
man. That is a good trick, isn't it?
That's a very good trick. BONNl E: I
like that.
Is it dangerous to do that? No,
darling, not in the slightest.
BONNl E GASPS
Go on, do it.
Oh! Agh!
I tve got hot wax on my finger.
God, it reminds me
of that car journey with Alan.
LAUGHTER
I thought you were going to say...
You weren't cold, though, were you?
LAUGHTER
Um, does anybody want to see
my candle salad? Hell, yes.
BONNl E: Oh, I say!
ALAN LAUGHS
Reminds me of that car journey with
Alan.
LAUGHTER
It's really disturbing!
It's hard to believe this was
a popular dinner party treat...
jOE LAUGHS
a popular dinner party
treat in America in the 195Os.
It was used as a way quite often
of introducing children to cooking.
It's supposed to represent
a candle, OK?
It is a banana sticking out
of pineapple rings with a cherry,
that's the flame, fixed to the top,
and the mayonnaise dribbling
down the side... Mayonnaise?!
I'm just saying,
is meant to represent candle wax.
What's wrong with these people?
And apparent, people who presented
these recipes were total
naive about what it actual...
lo0ked like.
What does it look like, Sandi?
Um...
LAUGHTER
Those things that live in the
carpet.
LAUGHTER
The candle salad was a perfect
innocent culinary treat
and I don't know why anyone would
think otherwise.
Final, what was the name of the
guy who invented this screwdriver?
Gold! Phillips!
Oh...
ALARM
No, it was actual... The man
Phillips that it's named after was
a businessman who
spotted its potential.
It was invented by an Englishman
called john Frierson in the 187Os.
It is known as having
a cruciform orifice.
That's the Holy Grail, isn't it?
I know, right? Of screwdrivers.
LAUGHTER
This businessman, Henry Phillips,
he bought the patient and he
introduced it to General Motors and
then World War I I happened and all
the military manufacturers used it.
But what ee is a screwdriver which
is more interesting at Christmas?
Angels! Ah!
Alcohol. Yes, it is a cocktail.
Everybody's got a drink.
Have a drink.
Ooh. BONNl E: Wahey! Right.
Sally, do you know what you've got?
Orange juice.
It's a Screwdriver,
apparent, a drink that arrived at
the end of World War I I
either from the Armed Forces or the
oil workers and most people say it's
because they used a screwdriver to
mix the vodka in with their orange
juice. Oh.
But I've got my favourite drink
and it is the S series, so it's
SH -ampagne.
BONNl E LAUGHS
Shh!
Cheers. Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!
So let's have a look at the scores.
Oh, the biggest loser
in our Nativity with -8,
oh, it's Bonnie. Yes.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thank you.
I n third place with -6, it's joe.
Ah, thatts nice! Yay!
APPLAUSE
I n second place with two whole
points, it's Alan. Yay!
APPLAUSE
I n first place, with 13 full
festive points, it's Sally!
CHEERl NG AND APPLAUSE
thanks, to Bonnie, joe, Sally
and Alan
and it on remains to say from all
of us here, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.
Merry Christmas. Don't drink it!
Happy Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Cheers.
Merry Christmas. I hope you are too.
Cariad's pissed. I'm so pissed!
Merry Christmas! Happy Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Happy Christmas, please.
Merry Christmas and a happy New
Year.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
HAT JINGLES
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas,
happy New Year. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Nish-mas.
Wow, it's like Jesus himseff
wishing it to you.
Merry Christmas, one and all.
And a very Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas.
Nollaig Shona daoibh go leir! Ah!
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
That's what I'm like at Christmas.
Welll, all the year round, really.
Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
I didn't sell that, did I?
Can I do mine again?
Do you know what? Happy Christmas.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Merry Christmas.
Oi! Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
What the...?
I, I don't know...
Keep it in! Keep it in!
Happy Christmas.
APPLAUSE